Gilded Age Romance Advice

“A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox 
– Public domain image of Agony Aunt, Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

American Men Good Enough for Her

I have never seen a foreign man who, in my most romantic or susceptible days, could have done more than amuse me. I cannot imagine loving any man but an American. A foreigner does very well to pick up a lady’s fan or kill time for her, like a pet parrot, by repeating his little stereotyped compliments, but the thorough, true, sensible American girl gives her heart to an American lover. Those who give them to foreigners usually live to regret it. A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.—Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1892

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Leap Year Husband Hunting

The “Leap Year Etiquette” post card line was witty, humorous and popular with young men and women alike.. The early part of the 1900’s was a turning point for many young women, as they had fewer restrictions than in the late 1800’s. The growing use of the bicycle and automobile, better pay, better working conditions and less restrictive fashions for women, pushed them to want even more. Within just a dozen years, women got the vote and “the flapper” style was all the rage. Numerous original examples of this early 20th c. funny ephemera are available for sale online.

Flossy Mush Discusses Leap Year

Oh, girls! This year is Leap Year. Ladies' Choice-just think of it! If "he" has been too shy to propound the all-important interrogative, the time is near at hand when you can force him into corner and bring him out of his trance.

Flossie Mush, who holds the degree of Bachelor Maid of Spoon-osophy and who, maybe, is the head of the Department of Goo-ology at the George Washington University, in her new book, "The Big Trick, and How to Take It," which has just come hot from the griddle, sagely says: "Take it easy."

You shouldn't be in a rush, observes this wise student, "especially a college rush or a free lunch or bargain counter rush; for there's still plenty of poultry in cold storage, despite the holiday trading, and you shouldn't make hasty selections. You might get a tainted bird.

"I believe in drawing the matrimonial fowl," Miss Mush goes on, "because a man in the hand is worth two in the Maybe-So, and it is well to hold a hand you can draw to." The erudite philosopher, as the result of her investigations as to 1908 affairs, bluntly gives some sharp points concerning ‘what to expect.’

"We shall find professional women forsaking the professions for the science of husbandry," she says, "thereby providing many ‘crying necessities.’

"Many of the more hardened bachelor maids, craving excitement, intend to revive the gentle craft of highwaymanry. By cutting across lots they will take their unsuspecting victims on the bias, but it is presumed that they will treat them on the square. They propose a campaign of hands up and show down. In other words, they will Robin Hood-wink the men. 

"As it has been eight long years since the maidens have had an in- ning of their own at Cupid's shop, it is presumed that they will find the remnant counters piled high. Remnant offerings are never to be taken save after careful inspection for soils and flaws. Nevertheless, one often finds a very satisfactory bargain here, if one does not object to a little shop-and-shelf-wear.

"Goods taken from original pieces should be watched carefully, in order to prevent them from bolting. "It is to be expected, as usual, that we will find some of the older maids cottoning to calico kids. "As for spring styles in marriageable men, they will be cut high on speed and low on finances. "The 'blues' are predominating in colors just as present; but gayer colors doubtless will be seen as the season wears on.

"All matrimonial goods faced with the Cuddlin’ ‘fringes’ should be eschewed, as they are apt to be the hiding place of the kissing bug or moth.” ‘fringes’should be eschewed, as they are apt to be the hiding place of the kissing bug or moth."

We have no doubt that Flossie Mush's suggestions will prove valuable to many maidens in Oskaloosa, Oklahoma and Colorado Springs; but it is our impression that Humboldt maids, characteristically original and independent, will make their selections in such charming, naive and unconventional manners as may appeal to them.

However, should any further information be desired under this head, we would refer the inquisitively inclined directly to Miss Mush, care of Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Hoboken. – February 1908

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ill-Bred American Children of 1914

Ella Wheeler Wilcox was an American poet and journalist. Several of her articles on parenting and home life are featured on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Children's Behavior

There Is a Vast Difference Between Liberty and License

American Youth Are Most Lawless and Ill-bred of Any on Earth, a Fact for Which Parents, Mothers Especially, Are Responsible

AMERICA is old enough now to know that the word liberty does not mean license; that freedom does not mean lawlessness. American mothers have a large duty confronting them; the duty of teaching their children the fine distinctions which lie between these words.

Ask any man or woman who has seen many lands and many people, and you will be told that American children are the most lawless and ill-bred of all the children on earth. On any ship or in any hotel the children who make themselves obnoxious by their loud voices, their impertinent manners and their failure to show courtesy to their elders are invariably American children.

It is not an unusual sight to see American children walk or stand before strangers, staring at them rudely and whispering or tittering as they move away. Two young girls made themselves so obnoxious on one of the large ocean liners by their impertinent manners to passengers in the dining saloon that it became necessary to ask the chief steward to reprove them.

These children were daughters of a New York banker. Their mother was on board with a retinue of attendants, but she had never taken time to teach her children refinement or even common decency of deportment.

When Rich Are Ill-Bred No Wonder the Poor Are

When such examples of ill- breeding can be found among the rich, one cannot wonder that the poorer classes have not reached a standard where they understand the importance of including good. manners in the curriculum, of education.

A lady who employs boys of all work at her country home was surprised to discover that children of Americans who came to her for work were nearly always lacking in the little polite habits which it would seem every mother would teach her boys and girls as soon as they were able to talk.

For instance, boys of sixteen came into her presence without removing their caps, and often when reporting to her for directions they bolted into her private apartments without knocking or in any way making their presence known. It became necessary for her to teach her employees good manners before she taught them their other duties.

Every mother should train her children to show good taste and delicacy in their treatment of herself. Then it would follow, as a matter of course, that they would treat others with courtesy. From the time a boy is able to walk he should be taught to rap before entering a room and girls should be taught the same act of courtesy.

There is too much freedom in most American homes. It does not indicate affection, or mutual understanding, or good comradeship when people bolt into the presence of another member of the family with no word or sound to prepare the way.

It merely indicates lack of thoughtful consideration. The refinements of life do much to keep the affections alive. A delicate code of manners observed between husband and wife helps to keep them out of the divorce court.

A gentle tap on a door, even if the door is open, and a word indicating who is coming, makes the advent of a loved one no less welcome.

Neglectful Mother Is Serving Ends of Discourtesy 

The mother who does not train her son to show to her the little courtesies like this is sowing seeds of annoyance for others who will be irritated by this lack of thoughtfulness.

No matter what position a man occupies in the world, whether he employs or is employed, whether he is waited upon, or waits upon others, good manners and courtesy and politeness will be of incalculable value to him.

A lady had occasion to call at the office of a prominent lawyer in a city of colleges. The lawyer was absent, but his secretary was present, a well educated young man, of good American family.

The lady who called was one for whom he unquestionably felt respect, yet he permitted her to stand for five minutes in his presence while she told her errand; and he lounged comfortably in his chair, with a cap on his head which he never thought to remove.

He seemed most anxious to be of service and in every way tried to help her; no doubt he would be greatly astonished and deeply pained if he knew she thought him discourteous. Such conduct is not at all uncommon in America;, it is to be met with every day; and it is always the fault of the mother.

Father Not Blameless but Chief Duty Is With Mother

The father, too, comes in for his share of blame; but it is the mother who has the child near her hour in and hour out, during these early years when habits are formed; and it is to the mother a child should look for right training in deportment.

Little girls, as well as boys need careful coaching. They should never be allowed to enter rooms without previous announcement; they should not be permitted to break into conversation without apology; and they should not lounge or sit while their elders stand.

Teach your children these little refinements, good mothers. It is better than leaving them a legacy of hard-earned money. – By Ella Wheeler Wilcox, July 1914

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners Spring from the Heart

Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important.

Good Manners Leave Impression Upon Observers 

Learning Courtesy and Avoiding Rudeness in Manners is Quite Essential

A well-modulated voice in men or women and a clear-cut, distinct enunciation in speech are important facts in an agreeable personality. These can be acquired by a little practice. Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important. In conversation with our fellow beings there are two well-known quotations which may be serviceable. One is: “Three things observe with care: Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, And how and when and where.” 

The other is—before repeating any unpleasant news or disagreeable gossip about any one, to ask one’s self, “Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” Sometimes an important statement may be true, but it is neither kind nor necessary to repeat. Sometimes it is true and not kind, and yet necessary to repeat. It is necessary to tell a woman with a baby in her arms if she is about to call at a house where there is an infectious disease, that such a condition exists within. But it is only where there is necessity to warn or where there is a possibility of helping and changing the existing conditions, that one is really justified in repeating and commenting upon the disagreeable and painful things of life. 

People who possess the refinement of good manners always leave a pleasant and stimulating impression upon those with whom they converse. Even in a brief interview in which only the ordinary events or happenings of health and weather are touched upon, the really good mannered individual whose manners spring from a good heart will find an opportunity to leave an agreeable and brightening effect. Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brains, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life, and you will need no book of etiquette to direct you, although it may not harm you to read one. – Los Angeles Herald, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Debt and Borrowers

“Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Borrowers Should Form a Union and Establish Rules and Regulations 

Too Many Receive Favors Only to Forget the Lender...

Failing to Recompense and Never Thinking to Express Gratitude, Thus Hurting Hearts That Were Friendly

It’s a world malady which few of its denizens are able to escape. Sooner or later, the burden of debt is incurred for a longer or shorter period of time. It is a misfortune but not a crime to incur debt. The man who owes somebody, has a much larger company with whom he associates than the man who lends. So old and so almost universal is the position of the debtor that a “Debtors’ Union” ought to be formed. 

Every union, every organization of any kind, has its certain laws, formalities and obligations, both written and unwritten, which make what might he called the etiquette of the order. The borrowers of the world need such a union, and are sadly in need of an understanding of its laws of etiquette. Here are a few outlines of those laws: 

You who have asked and received money, or influence, from anyone in the world to enable you to further your own interests, will understand that these laws are outlined for your special benefit. And if you will, be glad to know in your heart, that the reproof they convey to the delinquent, the thoughtless or the indifferent does not apply to you. The reproof is intended for the thoughtless, the delinquent and the indifferent. 

After Receiving the Favor, Too Many Lapse Into Silence 

A struggling youth, intelligent, moral, industrious, found herself in temporary embarrassment, and wrote to a friend asking for a loan. The loan was granted promptly, and with words implying the pleasure it was to be aide to bestow this favor. A grateful acknowledgement of the accompanying check was received in reply. Then an utter silence ensued. Months became a year and no word was heard from the young woman who had been benefited, save an occasional item of information through casual mutual acquaintances. 

The etiquette of the Debtors’ Union should demand that at least twice a year a courteous and friendly note should be written from the debtor to the lender, telling of his doings, his interests, his efforts toward success and his belief in final attainment of the goal he was seeking. No continual reference need be made to the debt, but the individual who is sufficiently interested in another to lend him aid of any kind is sufficiently interested to feel the wound of silence and neglect. 

Another young lad had passed through great sorrows and unusual tragedies, which resulted in the breaking up of his home and in his becoming adrift in the world without kith or kin. He wrote to a lady who had known him from childhood, asking for a small loan, with which he could provide himself decent raiment to wear in the fulfillment of duties he had recently secured. He assured the lady he would repay her one dollar a week until the debt was liquidated. The check was sent gladly, and in the accompanying letter, the lady said she accepted his terms of payment, as she felt it would enable him to feel more manly and to form business-like methods. Her bank returned the voucher of her check, which had been cashed, but in that way only was she even aware that it was ever received. No acknowledgment was sent to her, and even a letter of inquiry, after more than six months, brought no reply. 

These are but two illustrations of what seems to be an almost universal habit of the borrowers of the world. To lend money to one's friend seems almost invariably to cause a deterioration of character and a loss of high ideals and nobility of thought in the borrower. It may be urged by the borrowers that they feel sensitive in regard to their debt and do not like to write until they are able to liquidate it. But if they are not too sensitive to ask such favors they should not be too sensitive to refer to them after they have been granted. 

There are shining exceptions, of course, to these dark examples. A woman struggling in direct poverty with a sick husband and a large family of small children (a woman of refinement and education) borrowed $100.00 in an hour of great despair. That was ten years ago. Two or three times a year the benefactor receives a few words, at least, and often a long letter from the one benefited, and even small sums have been insistently enforced upon the lender to lessen the debt in order that the borrower might retain her self-respect. In that way, half the sum has been paid, but better than that, admiration and affection for the borrower have been strong factors in enriching the life of the lender. Here was one who understood, without being taught, the etiquette of debt. But they are few. – Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 20th C. Mom Shaming

“Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912 

You may be happy in the thought that you are progressive. You are interested in everything which can help the world along. You study political economy; you believe in equal rights: you are a good economical housekeeper; you are a cultured woman; and you take an active part in all movements which tend toward social betterment. But what part are you taking in the bringing up of your children? American children have the reputation abroad of appalling ill manners. It is almost universally merited. 

On board a large ocean liner (the passenger list composed of many nationalities) four children at a table in the dining room were noticeable for their bad breeding. They were handsome children, well dressed and carefully groomed. But they laughed loudly, stared at neighboring tables, made audible comments upon people, whispered and pointed and giggled, until some of the other passengers called the attention of the head steward to their annoying peculiarities, and they were requested to behave themselves in a seemly manner. 

Governesses and Tutors for Them, but Mother’s Training Was Lacking 

These children were from America, and the most offensive of the four was the twelve-year-old daughter of an American banker. They had been given governesses, tutors, schooling and travel benefits, but they had never received the refined training of a wise mother. Otherwise, they could not have shown such vulgar and offensive traits. Children are born mere hungry little animals. They have no way of knowing what is good taste, and what is kind, and what is graceful and agreeable, unless they are taught by their elders. 

All refined manners are things of growth, from the animal state to the higher human state. It has been a thing of slow evolution. Our remote ancestors all ate ravenously and used their hands to tear food into morsels. They smacked their lips, and made loud sounds and drank noisily. They flung their limbs about ungracefully and picked their teeth with thorns and slivers, and they did not hesitate to slap and bite and kick one another when angry, as animals do. 

Gradually an idea dawned upon these more highly developed creatures that there was such a thing as behavior, and that it was something for which to strive—something better than mere impulse. So through eons of time, good manners developed, and the more delicate and gracious the manners, the farther away the man is from the purely animal state. Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates. 

Children should be taught these things from the time they are able to sit upon a mother’s knee. They should be taught that their hands are not to pull and tear the mother’s hair or gown or slap her face or otherwise be offensive. A little dog can be taught that he must not jump on people and put his paws on their laps; it requires a very short time to train the average puppy in this manner. So a small child can he taught to be gentle if the mother cares to give the time and effort. And as the child soon understands language it can be trained by tender, sweet counsels to show courtesy in all the little daily matters of life. It is the habit of most American children to dispute with their elders and flatly to contradict in argument. In European countries such a thing is almost unknown. 

It’s the Duty of Parents to Correct Faults in Contrary Children 

American children COMMAND their parents to fetch and carry objects for pleasure and rarely say thank you unless reminded. It is an easy matter to teach a small child to say “Pardon me, but I think you have made a mistake,” where the child is confident, to an elder or a companion who has made a mistake in relating some incident. Every child has a right to express its opinion.  That is the way childish minds expand. But when they say, “That’s no such thing.” “No, you didn’t, either,” and the parent allows the flat contradiction to pass as a proof of the child’s smartness, then a great American evil is being countenanced and abetted. 

American children are rarely taught to listen respectfully to their elders. They whistle, sing and interrupt, and walk away in the midst of conversation without making apology. Boys sit in the presence of older people who stand; they rush into and out of a room where there is conversation or music, with no apology, and usually unrebuked. Proper attitudes of body, proper position of growing young limbs, proper handling of table utensils, the retirement to the private room for use of toothpick or attention to the person in any way—these are a few of the many things which it is the mother’s duty to teach her children early and continually. 

Mother Can Easily Teach the Great Value of Good Manners 

Any woman, however poor and humble, can instruct her children to be gentle mannered, courteous, and refined in voice and deportment if she realizes the value of good manners in the world. Good manners, without education, will pass many a man and woman through the world and into good society; but education without good manners will only enlarge a human being’s opportunity to he offensive to his fellow men.– Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette and Public Schools

Men who tuck their napkins under their chin, who partake of their soup audibly, and who flourish toothpicks at the table, in the corridors and on the verandas... are to be met with everywhere in this land.

Long on Money, Short on Manners 

At any one of our seashore resorts in the summer, or our winter resort hotels, one may encounter men and women by the score who have been successful in the battle for worldly wealth, but whose early education lacked training in this special direction of refined manners. 

Men who tuck their napkins under their chin, men and women who partake of their soup audibly, and who flourish toothpicks at the table, in the corridors and on the verandas, and even men and women who convey food to the mouth by means of the knife, forgetting that the knife is only appropriate for cutting and not for carrying food, are to be met with everywhere in this land. 

Many of our early Puritan fathers were very indifferent to these matters as they were opposed to all things ornamental and beautiful in life. They taught only the stern virtues, and principles, and an austere religion. The ornamental, the gracious, the courteous sides of life they considered of no value. The New England world has changed many of its ideas in modern times, but it needs to change still more, and to carry its modern ideas still farther, by introducing instruction in good manners into our school systems. 

It is only the exceptionally well bred little boy who does not rush ahead of older people, thrust women and children aside and force himself into public conveyances in a hurry to obtain a seat. Not one small boy in one thousand ever rises and offers an older person a seat. Not more than one in one thousand has been taught to rise when a lady enters a room. 

These small courtesies mark the well bred man when he is grown and their absence marks the boor. The world would be a more agreeable place, and man and women more agreeable companions were our public schools to introduce a department for teaching good manners. —Ella Wheeler - Wilcox 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Etiquipedia

Etiquette Essential to Schools

It would be of great importance to the world at large were the public schools of America to institute a "good manners department” in the kindergarten, the primary and intermediate departments of all schools. — Ella Wheeler–Wilcox

Teaching in School —

Need of Instruction to Make Children More Courteous and Refined 

Training in Good Manners Is Essential to a Country Which Is a Smelting Pot of Offspring from Every Nationality on Earth

OUR school system needs revolutionizing. The community is taxed heavily to support school institutions. The introduction of the drawing master, the music master, the district nurse, the visiting dentist and doctor, all means increased taxes for the people. Most of these innovations on the old school system (which consisted of teaching the "Three R’s  — reading, writing and 'rithmetic" ) are of value to the children —the coming generation of men and women. 

It is, however, the opinion of many thinking people that the time and money expended on the teaching of art in our public schools, might well be reduced to a minimum. Not one child in one hundred possesses sufficient talent in this line to make it worth while to continue the study after school years. The child who does possess such talent would be discovered, were not a whole community taxed and the time of an entire school taken a portion of each day, which might well be devoted to something of more universal value. 

One of the most important things in the education of any man or woman is good manners. Manners which do not offend in dally deportment. A man may know nothing of art and nothing of music and yet not offend his neighbors, though he live to be a hundred years old. But the man who knows nothing of the niceties of good manners at the table, or deportment in public vehicles, or places of entertainment, is a continual annoyance and irritation, to his fellow beings. To eat noisily, to display a toothpick in public, to use the knife where the fork is intended, to crowd in front of women and children, to talk loud in public—all these habits interfere with the general well being. 

It is in the early childhood life that right habits should be taught. It would be of great importance to the world at large were the public schools of America to institute a "good manners department” in the kindergarten, the primary and intermediate departments of all schools. Ten minutes each day given to instruction by short talks and demonstrations on these subjects would accomplish miracles of good. 

Listen to the "gum-chewers," the right way of manipulation of the knife and fork at the table, the right attitudes, the proper use of the napkin... are all matters of much greater importance in the education of the average child than instruction in drawing or in dissection of dead animals. Our country is a smelting pot of every nationality on earth. Our schools are composed of children from all classes and all climes.

Many people come to us whose lives in the old countries have been passed in remote places, far from centers of civilization, where no knowledge is obtainable of the niceties of life. The children are reared by these parents in the same habits which characterized their early environments. A large majority of these children will grow up to be intellectually brilliant men and women, and many of them will occupy prominent places, industrially and politically. It is important that they should be trained in good manners in the small things of life as well as in intelectual development. If young children are made to realize that good manners are regarded as a part of education, they will use their influence upon their parents. —Ella Wheeler - Wilcox, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Male Gossips

They were aware of what his peers were saying about them — Never will a true gentleman allude to any conquests which he may have made with ladies, nor will he indulge in other gossip.

Men Gossips Quite as Numerous as Women and Even More Slanderous!

It Is a Mistaken Belief of Women That Men Are Their Best and Most Liberal Minded Friends, Until They Discover the Truth!

Woman has been accused of gossiping, because she lacked occupation. Man, with his manifold duties, is supposed to be too busy for gossip. But men gossips are quite us numerous as those of the fairer sex. In men’s clubs many a scandal is set rolling which gains momentum as it proceeds upon its way and wrecks names and homes before it finishes its course. Foolish women risk their reputations by allowing men to compromise them, and believe implicitly that their admirers will protect their names against the whole world. 

Men Tell Stories of Scandalous Import 

Yet over a “Stag Dinner’’ or over the Club Table, the story ot these indiscretions are freely told. The names are possibly, or probably, withheld; but it is a simple matter for the listeners to locate the character in the story of the play as related by the proud Lothario. Under the influence of wine and "Good Fellowship,” men who have been trusted and believed in by weak women have more than once shown letters and boasted of their conquests. 

Woman has been accused of being jealous in their treatment of their own sex. The arrival of a new woman in her circle is supposed to awaken her to a sense of rivalry, which leads her to do petty acts. But it was a young man who carried off the palm for petty actions at one of the summer resorts. Because an attractive young woman came to the place without bringing a detailed account of her past life, the young man set himself the noble task of studying the directory of the town from which she came, and investigating the history ot all families bearing her name. 

Each day he made a new report upon the possible identity of the young woman. His listeners were amused, but no one was frank enough to tell him how despicable he seemed in all eyes. Meantime the very worthy and tired young woman, who had left an excellent position among the world’s educators, and who came away for rest and recreation, and chose to avoid any thought of her duties while resting, was all unconscious of this espionage. Liked and respected by her own sex, she was not prepared to find a would-be spy and gossip among men. 

Women Growing More Liberal-Minded

It is a mistaken belief of most women that men are their best and most liberal-minded friends. Men demand more of women in the way of conventional behavior than other women demand. Men are much more critical than women. A man will not hesitate to be seen in public with a woman whose name rests under a shadow; but he will be very firm in forbidding his wife or sister or mother to be seen with her. That is not friendship nor defense. A woman has been known to declare her belief In the innocence of one who was the subject of gossip and at the same time to announce her Intention to stand by her. And she has been prevented by the men of her family. Yet these same men were regarded by the victim of gossip as loyal to her because they spoke to her in public places, while women held aloof. 

Men believe themselves to be more liberal and just in their estimate of women than our sex, but they are not. They deceive themselves. Women are growing more liberal minded, more just and more sympathetic with each decade. They are growing less prone to gossip. But men are keeping up the average. When next you hear a bit of gossip, look up its source. Ten to one, you will find it started with a man. —Ella Wheeler Cox, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Learning Etiquette of Esteemed Gents

“Listen here... It serves a good purpose to keep a little mental notebook of the things which annoy us in others.”

Learning Courtesy and Avoiding Rudeness in Manners is Quite as Essential in One Who Desires to Be Esteemed a Gentleman

A High School boy has made a request for a series of articles on good manners. The boy may acquire good manners if he will indulge every day in a little self-analysis until he finds that the fundamental principle of good manners is kindness of heart.

Next comes consideration of others. Never to indulge in any habit of conduct or speech which can annoy, wound or displease without good cause those with whom we associate—that is the platform on which we can easily build a structure of good manners. 

While it is an excellent rule to pass lightly over the faults ot others and to dwell upon their worthy qualities and virtues, it serves a good purpose to keep a little mental notebook of the things which annoy us in others, but to keep these notes only as reminders of the things we do not wish ourselves to do or say. 

A man who was eager for an education and who had acquired the principles of correct grammatical expression was thrown much with illiterate people in his dally association. After some years he became notable for his elegance of language, and his fine powers of conversation. He was asked how he managed to avoid acquiring the slip-shod expressions and grammatical mistakes of his companions.

The man answered, "Whenever one of my comrades or acquaintances uses an expression which I know to be incorrect I mentally say the phrase as it should be said. "For instance, when I hear a man say, ‘I done it,’ or ‘I seen a feller do that,’ ‘I hadn’t got it,’ or similar phrases, I repeat mentally, 'I did it,’ 'I saw a man do that,' ‘I haven't it,’ etc... I never permit one of those expressions to pass by without my mental correction. “In that way my mental notebook is filled with the right expressions, and the wrong ones do not come to me when I wish to speak.” This is an excellent rule for the acquiring of good language. The same rule can be applied to manners.

Whoever wounds us by rudeness, vulgarity, loud talking in public places, or other disagreeable habits, should be observed and remembered only as a guard to better manners for ourselves in these matters. Any bright, intelligent youth, ambitious to acquire a pleasing deportment, needs only to watch and listen to the well-bred people of his acquaintance to obtain a foundation for good manners, and a knowledge of the right things to do. Then by reading out of his mental notebook the things which he has found displeasing to himself in others, he can soon acquire a long list of the things not to do. —Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice for Young Men

Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brain, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life

Good Manners Leave Impression Upon Observers

People who possess the refinement of good manners always leave a pleasant and stimulating impression upon those with whom they converse. Even in a brief interview in which only the ordinary events or happenings of health and weather are touched upon, the really good mannered individual whose manners spring from a good heart will find an opportunity to leave an agreeable and brightening effect.

Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brain, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life, and you will need no book of etiquette to direct you, although it may not harm you to read one. — Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia