Avoid Calls at Unseemly Hours

It is perfectly correct to offer a call or a cup of afternoon tea… That is if they arrive in the afternoon! — Never call at an hour when you will run the risk of embarrassing your hostess by so doing. Some women who have plenty of servants are especially inconsiderate about this when it comes to calling on women who have few or no servants.

Very narrow minded indeed is the man or woman who looks upon any rules of etiquette as arbitrary, to the extent that they are inlexible rulings that should apply to all alike To say that there are any definite hours when it is good form to call and hours when it is not good form to call is ridiculous. To the city woman, 4 o’clock is the time when she makes her first afternoon call. The woman in a smaller community calls as early as 3— perhaps earlier. That is because in cities people have later luncheon and later dinner and the later calling hour is therefore more convenient. In the country it would be in as bad form to call after 5:30 or 5:45 as it would be to call at 3 or 3:30 in the city where late dinner is the rule.

One thing remember, however, in paying calls. Never call at an hour when you will run the risk of embarrassing your hostess by so doing. Some women who have plenty of servants are especially inconsiderate about this when it comes to calling on women who have few or no servants. The woman who never has housework to do, does not realize just how difficult it is for her less opulent sister to be ready to receive callers in the morning or at an early afternoon hour. Therefore if she happens to be passing the home of her less well-to-do friend at 10 in the morning she drops in. It saves her the trouble of coming back in the afternoon. The hostess is clad in a pink gingham morning frock and her hair is tied about in a white duster. Her fingers dust stained are and a batch of war bread is in the oven. Perhaps the youngest member of the family has just been lifted from his morning bath and has to be left sprawling on a bath mat while mother answers the door. The hostess apologizes for her appearance and the caller assures her that it doesn’t make the least bit of difference. She even inti- rates that she enjoys breaking in on such a pretty domestic scene. But it does make a difference. The housewife has her own ideas of how callers should be received.

If you came about 3:30 in the afternoon would find her housework all done, she would be sitting neatly manicured, in knitting or a fresh lawn frock possibly mending, on her shady screened porch with the baby napping safely upstairs. In her icebox there would be a dish of iced fruit drink or possible the tea tray would be set ready for your possible call. “But I don't want the good woman to go to any pains for me.” the thoughtless caller might remark; “that is why I call in the morning.” As a matter of fact it is only fair to anyone to call when you think your call is going to give them most pleasure. In reality it is just as much a breach of etiquette to call on your humblest friend at a time when that call may prove embarrassing as it would be for a cabinet member's wife to call at the White House to see the President's wife at a time when that lady was not receiving.— By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Making a Complaint

How to Make a Complaint

When making a complaint in a straightforward manner and within a kind tone, it’s easier for all parties involved to learn something could be better or needs to be corrected. Expressing ourselves etiquette-fully when we need to make a complaint is vital. 

Legitimate Complaint or Chronic Complainer?

No one likes a complainer.  When you lodge a complaint, you put yourself on the line to be judged by anyone within hearing distance.  Immediate consideration will be given to the legitimacy of your complaint, the manner in which it is delivered, and your reaction to any response you receive.

Any of these scenarios could constitute a legitimate complaint. 

• We feel that we’ve been wronged by persons or groups.
• Someone says something that we didn’t like.
• A promise was broken.
• We want action on a purchase that did not arrive or perform as expected.
• We feel we haven’t been listened to.
• Necessary facts have been ignored.
• Quality of a purchase or service is poor.

However there are those who either won't let things go or seem to enjoy creating drama. These are the chronic complainers; folks who seem to drain every ounce of positivity from even the most joyous occasions.

People who are judged to be a habitual complainer have few listeners and will find that they typically don’t get the service they do deserve.  These are the folks few people enjoy spending time with because they never know if they might do or say something that will be an annoyance. Chronic complainers create chronic stress.

Making a Complaint

Because we humans are perfectly imperfect, we will create situations that others will complain about. Whether it’s having a dog that barks incessantly and disturbs our neighbors, or repeatedly borrowing our coworker’s stapler and forgetting to return it, we will eventually do or say something that gives other people something to grumble about.

The trick is not only know when, but how to make a complaint.  The proper way is to:

• Go to the right person or place to address the complaint.
• Put it in writing when the complaint extends further than the immediate situation or time frame.
• Be fair and sensible.
• Know the rules. 
• Say what you want to happen.
• Give a deadline.
• Avoid emotion and blaming intentions.

When you give thought to the reason you intend to complain and what you expect the result of your action to be, you will be in a better frame of mind to remain civil while standing up for yourself.

But if you notice your complaint being brushed off, the person you are speaking with becomes very defensive, or the grievance is redirected back to you, it may be best to step away and re-examine your approach – and maybe your reason for complaining.

If you decide you are on the right side of the situation, you might consider explaining your dissatisfaction to a manager or owner if you are dealing with a business. If your objection is with an individual or a friend, you can try a different approach to see if you can rectify the situation. 

Are You Complaining Too Often?

“What’s the use of complaining about something you have no intention of changing?”
~ Mario L. Castellanos

Have you caught yourself complaining in these situations?

• You are in a bad mood.
• You feel as if you’re losing control and are emotional.
• Negativity dominates your mind.
• You are repeating old issues or coming out of regret when nothing can be done. 
• You have no practical idea of solution.
• When you’re feeling hopeless.

It might be time to assess other reasons for your negativity and to make changes in your relationships or habits.

When you find yourself about to complain either silently or aloud whether it’s the weather or surroundings, ask yourself, “Am I a victim here?” “Is there something I can do to positively change this?” If not, leave the situation gracefully.

You might also try flipping the switch in your mind and think of something positive to say. Look for something to be grateful for. An attitude of gratitude is always positive. Wear a smile. No, not a smirk, a true smile. The kind that lights up your eyes. It’s very difficult to say negative words when your smiling!

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Telegram Etiquette

The telegram is regarded as a perfectly proper means of conveying condolence following the death in the family of a friend or acquaintance. And, of course, such a message of sympathy should never be conveyed by telephone message. When sending such, telegrams it is best to indicate that you wish to have them delivered by messenger rather than by telephone.

“Let no act be done at haphazard.” —Marcus Aurelius

A telegraphed message is always more formal and more courteous than a telephoned one. For instance, on the occasion of any joyous occasion– a birth in a friend’s family, the announcement of an engagement, a wedding, or a birthday anniversary— it is always courteous to telegraph your congratulations, whereas you would telephone your message only where you were extremely well acquainted. 

The telegram is regarded as a perfectly proper means of conveying condolence following the death in the family of a friend or acquaintance. And, of course, such a message of sympathy should never be conveyed by telephone message. When sending such, telegrams it is best to indicate that you wish to have them delivered by messenger rather than by telephone.

So usual is it for us in sending business telegrams to bear we have a ten-word limit for the minimum fee that we are prone to attempt to force social telegrams into this ten word limit, or else we pad them out so that we will make use of all the words to which we are entitled. Often your message is best expressed in only two or three words. Sometimes the single word, “Congratulations” is all that is required. Then it would be decidedly in bad judgment to use more

Needless to say, we dispense with formal introductions and conclusions even in the social telegram. This we do not begin with “My dear.” or “Dear.” nor do we use such expressions as “sincerely” or “truly yours.” even when sending a formal message. 

Always remember that there is nothing private about a telegram and that no message should be sent over the wire are not that you are not willing to have received by others than the one for whom it is intended. Usually a telegram is urgent in its nature and members of a family would open one when addressed to an absent member. Similarly a telegram sent to a person’s business address and received during his absence would be opened by the one who received it. — Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

PDA Against All Etiquette

A quaint old book on etiquette written some fifty years ago, admonished the young women not to kiss another woman in a gentleman's presence for fear he might wish himself as highly favored. We are not quite so prudish as that nowadays, but we do look upon it as out of place to kiss our friends and members of our family much before mere acquaintances. Thus, if you chance to meet a well loved friend at a friend's reception or tea or at a dance, even though you have not seen her for some time, it is better not to exchange kisses. To kiss a friend at a reception is, in formal city society, regarded as decidedly rustic.—Agony Aunt, Mary Marshall Duffee

Public Displays of Affection Out of Place 

“Lord, I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing?”– Swift

It is surprising how many of our present-day manners have been af- fected by the germ theory. The fact that kissing is much less general as a form of salutation now than it was a generation or so ago is due, I suppose, to the fact that we now regard kissing as contrary to our notions of hygiene. Even the expediency of kissing the hand as our ancestors used to and as many Europeans still do, seems of doubtful wisdom when we consider that in certain diseases contagion is carried in the hands after apparently full recovery has been effected.

Most women who think at all about the proprieties, keep to the rule that it is not considered in good form to kiss anyone in a public place. Thus when they meet a friend, or even close relation, a whom they have not seen for some time, in a museum or a department store, they do not kiss. Many women extend this rule to railroad stations, preferring to reserve this part of the greeting for the privacy of their homes. Of course, among many continental European— notably the French, Italian and Spanish, and Germans, too, for that matter— such procedure would seem like coldness and indifference. On the continent, brothers of middle age exchange kisses of greeting with as much fervor as 15-year-old girls. 

A quaint old book on etiquette written some fifty years ago, admonished the young women not to kiss another woman in a gentleman's presence for fear he might wish himself as highly favored. We are not quite so prudish as that nowadays, but we do look upon it as out of place to kiss our friends and members of our family much before mere acquaintances. Thus, if you chance to meet a well loved friend at a friend's reception or tea or at a dance, even though you have not seen her for some time, it is better not to exchange kisses. To kiss a friend at a reception is, in formal city society, regarded as decidedly rustic.— By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Interview with Victoria B. Edwards

Victoria B. Edwards’ delightful and colorful tablescapes and place settings are popular images on her Instagram feed. She was one of our “Blue Ribbon” award winners from the Etiquette Community for both our 1st and our 2nd Annual Etiquipedia Place Setting Competitions. This is Victoria at her lovely, American Gilded Age place setting. 

🍽 🍽 🍽 🍽 

Ms. Edwards is a graduate of Marygrove College and the Emily Post Institute. Her firm has provided customized training seminars on anti-bullying, civility, etiquette, and dining protocol to after-school and summer programs throughout the Metropolitan Detroit area for over 20 years.

As a Girl Scouts of Southeastern Michigan community partner, Ms. Edwards’ firm has delivered badge and petal earning workshops that have provided over 500 Daisies, Brownies, and Juniors with the skills they need to feel self-assured and confident in any situation.

Each the summer, the “Aces, Birdies and Clubs” program authored by Ms. Edwards, introduces children to the fundamentals of golf in a fun and positive environment as part of the week-long Summer Etiquette and Golf Camp, sponsored by Edwards Etiquette. Golf is highlighted as a tool to help children expand and comprehend how courtesy and kindness can be put into use at home, school and everyday life.

Ms. Edwards volunteers her time and resources to children’s causes in and around Detroit through her service in various organizations. These would include the North End Youth Improvement Council, Junior League of Detroit, Detroit Association of Women’s Clubs, and Gamma Phi Delta, Sorority, Incorporated.  Congratulations, Victoria!

I loved the calm and tranquil look of this setting, even down to the lotus-shaped bowl. Victoria’s choice of colors for her American Gilded Age place setting was lovely and it gave the alfresco dining spot a “cool” feel, which was not only inviting, but important during the season with the hottest temperatures of the year. This was the prime peach picking season — from July to September — in which she set her table in. Adding to the cooling feel and look of the setting, was a novel and sweet way of helping one’s guests stay comfortable, prior to air conditioning. Victoria’s menu boasts four different sorbets, served in small amounts, as palate cleansers throughout the meal. Though this is not a traditional Gilded Age menu, the inclusion of the four palate cleansers was ingenious and represents well an era known for its excess. Very impressive! 

The Menu

Appetizer

Spicy Peach Gazpacho (chilled soup) 

Notes: Served in the floral white bowl, utilizing the first spoon to the right 

Palate Refresher

*Cucumber Sorbet 

- usually a bite sized serving (about the size of a grape) just enough to cleanse the palate and make ready for the next course

Salad Course

Michigan Cherry Salad 

Notes: A popular green salad in the Detroit area and other parts of Michigan typically topped with dried cherries, apples, blue cheese {I use Feta cheese crumbles as a substitute for the bleu cheese}, and a vinaigrette dressing) served on the gray plate utilizing the first fork on the left and the first knife to the right

Palate Refresher

*Apple Sorbet

 - another bite sized serving (about the size of a grape) to cleanse the palate for the next course

Fish/Seafood Course

Seared Lemon Butter Scallops Fresh from North Carolina 

Notes: Served on a cream "Scalloped" plate utilizing the fork on the left and the middle knife 

Palate Refresher

*Carrot Sorbet 

- yet another bite sized serving to prepare the palate for the next course

Entrée/Main Course

Cornish Hen w/Kentucky Wonder Green Beans

Notes: Chicken for one and green beans. Who doesn’t love an entire chicken? Cornish are easily baked of grilled and served with vegetable. This course is served on the pink plate and utilizes the remaining knife and fork both of which are closest to the plate.

Palate Refresher

*Lime Sorbet

- the last preparation of the palate for the last course

Dessert

Peach Pie a la Mode

Butter Croissant

Cucumber Lemonade

California Sauvignon

Prosecco

Notes: While Michigan’s cold climate makes our Peach season shorter than most other states, the moderating effect of Lake Michigan, allows peaches (Red Haven, Flaming Fury and Stellar varieties mainly) to thrive along the western shore of the state produces and enjoys a significant amount of peaches during the season. At the time of competition entry, Michigan’s peach season was coming to a close, thus the Peach Gazpacho and Peach dessert.

Both the spoon and fork above the plate are used in the conclusion of the meal, one is used to assist with the other as the pie it typically warmer and ice cream has already begun to melt. While quite delectable, this dessert is rather messy and requires the assistance of both the fork and spoon.

Six Questions for Victoria:

1. How did you choose the menu and various elements you used in your setting and why? Please explain each of the utensils at your setting… For which of the foods on your menu (or course) was each different item intended?
I wanted my entry to reflect what a first time visitor would enjoy and be inclined to rave about it and attempt to recreate once they returned home. At the time of entry, it was still Summer here in Michigan and dining 'Alfresco' which means enjoying a meal outside is what Summer is all about here.

2. Why did you choose this particular period in time to set your table? Please go into as much detail as you can.
I chose the American Gilded Age for this year’s competition as my hometown during the Gilded Age, was the “Stove Capital of the World” and stoves are an integral part of any worthwhile meal. During the 19th century and by 1890, cast iron stove manufacturing was Detroit’s top industry.

FYI: The World's Largest Stove was an oversized reproduction of Michigan Stove Company's popular kitchen cooking stove. The company, founded by Jeremiah Dwyer in 1872, wanted to grab the attention of visitors attending the 1893 Chicago World's Fair so had the replica built to represent what the company manufactured at the Detroit factory.

3. How, if at all, did Covid-related social restrictions affect your choice of setting? Were you ready to celebrate? Feeling in the mood to do something different?  
COVID-19 is STILL raging here in Michigan, so safety is a priority. Besides the aesthetics and benefits (enjoying fresh air, eating in a more relaxed setting and less stressed which aids in digestion and being outdoors helps you sleep better) of dining outdoors, outdoor settings allow for social distancing, yet remaining social. I am always ready to celebrate once the taste of mouthwash subsides from the morning routine. Since COVID-19, everything is different so I guess that make me “always in the mood to something different”

4. Have you always enjoyed a properly set table? Or, if not, was the table setting something you learned to enjoy through your social life and/or business later on in life?
I have always enjoyed a properly set table from as far back as I can recall a setting a table “properly”. My etiquette business and “pivot” enterprise during COVID table scaping company certainly added to the enjoyment of setting a socially distanced weekly table.

5. Did you do any research on table setting etiquette before setting your elements at the table?
The research I did was mainly on what was going on in Detroit during each of the proposed themes for this year’s competition and what would a competitive dinner have looked liked; which what brought me to Peaches, Stoves and Michigan. I never thought Michigan and Peaches had much of a relationship besides pie and cobbler competitions prior to the 2nd Annual International Table Setting Competition – now I know why THAT even is still a thing.

6. Do you plan on entering again next year?
I do plan to enter again next year.

Elizabeth Soos and I would both like to congratulate Victoria on her award winning setting. We are honored that she entered our contest and love meeting others who are so willing to share their talents, enthusiasm for etiquette, and their wealth of knowledge. Congratulations!

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette When a Young Man Calls

“When a gentleman acquaintance calls on a lady for the first time, presenting her with a box of candy and the parents are present at the time in the parlor, is it necessary to open the box and treat always?”

What Readers Ask: “When a gentleman acquaintance calls on a lady for the first time, presenting her with a box of candy and the parents are present at the time in the parlor, is it necessary to open the box and treat always? Is it necessary for the parents to meet the young man at his first calling? What would be most proper to say on the parents’ leaving?”

It is not positively necessary to open the box of candy and treat, but it is a courteous thing to do. The person who brings you the candy usually likes to see you enjoy it. To the second question, emphatically yes. The parents need not remain in the parlor or reception room throughout the call.

If they know the young man caller to be a suitable acquaintance for their daughter, they may leave, pleading the excuse of wishing to read, write a letter or something of that sort. If they do n not intend to return to the room again, the father or mother should express pleasure at having met the young man and the hope that they might meet again. If they simply adjourn to an adjoining room they need make no excuse, but when the young man leaves they should return to bid him goodnight.

A young man's first call should always be short, never exceeding three quarters of an hour. Remember that theoretically the parents of the young girl are the hosts when a young man calls, and not the young girl he calls upon. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Civil Conversation

          How to Maintain a Civil Conversation

“What did I do wrong?” wrote a former student who’d had an unfortunate encounter.  In the parking lot of a local bar, he noticed a young woman getting out of her car and made eye contact.  They were both heading inside the establishment and began to chat.

Once inside, he met up with a guy friend and they asked the woman to sit with them.  They all chatted comfortably on many subjects.  After quite a while, the woman mentioned a political candidate and one of the men said he actually liked him.  The woman suddenly became irate and “blew up” at both young men.  She then jumped topics immediately and accused them of being racist.  

My friend reported that nothing at all in the previous conversation would have led either of the men to believe this event could have even happened.  He asked how he might avoid finding himself in polarized conversations in the future.

Fortunately, there are etiquette rules of engagement that can help keep a civil conversation from going awry.

Aiming for Peaceful Interactions

Finding yourself in the company of someone who can't simply disagree and let go creates an uncomfortable situation.  Unfortunately, there are people who believe that others who don’t hold their particular political or religious/irreligious beliefs are not just misguided, but that they are also bad people.  (This is probably what happened in the bar conversation above.)  

Fearing these type situations creates a sense of dread when it comes to having conversations with friends, family members, or even strangers.  It's a proverbial roll of the dice whether someone will share your viewpoint, or how they might react upon discovering they do not share your viewpoint.

Being etiquette-ful implies that you are willing to soften the rough edges of conversation by "not going there with strong feelings."  Etiquette is aimed at peaceable interactions, even when there may be an underlying disagreement.

However, etiquette rules are engaged in the moment, at the margin, and only by individuals.  You have no control over what someone's opinion or reaction will be, but you do have control over your own words and reactions.  

An Open Mind Leads to Civil Conversation

Once a conversational explosion happens, it’s too late to do anything about it.  Practicing these five skills of civil conversation can help you be ready for, or help diffuse, a potential explosive situation.   

1. Listen to understand.  Be able to summarize it back.  “So, help me clarify, are you saying…”  You are clarifying for yourself.  This differs from listening and summarizing to formulate a response or rebuttal.  
2. Encourage yourself to be curious about what the other person is saying.  Curiosity carries no judgement and encourages an open mind.
   
3. Use “I” statements when talking about your view on a particular subject.  Using “you” statements can come across as blaming.  "But you just said . . ." or "You seriously believe that . . ."
   
4. Look for common ground in any conversation.  Seek it out.  Having conversation starters in mind before you engage prevents bringing up topics that might trigger negativity.  “John, I hear that you really love this country.  I’m like you.  I appreciate living here so much.”
5. Back off when needed.  Etiquette asks that we employ pause -- short or otherwise.  It may be that you find yourself trapped with nowhere to go on a subject the other person is reactive about. “Cory, I see your point and feel your concern.  I also know we differ a lot on this subject.  Should we stop our conversation about it and move on to another topic?”
   

The ultimate goal of employing these rules of engagement is to maintain a civil conversation.  Aiming for civility in your life is an excellent reason to approach interactions with others in a respectful and courteous manner.  

This does not imply that you must always agree with the people you interact with.  But it does mean that you can agree to disagree and still like and respect another person.

It also means that you can encourage civility by being a living example of it.  When you can find common ground, show understanding, and be authentic enough to stand your ground as you change the subject, you will automatically earn the respect of others who wish to follow your example.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Etiquette “Social Security Checklist”

For building social self-confidence and winning over others, always put a natural smile on your face and check yourself in the mirror before you put yourself in unfamiliar social or business situations. Look with a critical eye. Is there anything that stands out to you as possibly questionable?

Non-Verbal Skills and Body Language: 

• Is your posture non-threatening and open? Or are your arms crossed over your chest in a manner that may suggest you are bored? Or aloof? Disinterested? Angry? Or are your arms relaxed and casually at your sides?
• Is your smile natural? Does your smile look genuine? Or does your smile look forced? Does your smile look fake?

Verbal Skills: 

• Is your conversation light and friendly? Is it assured? Is it professional and business-like?
• Do you avoid confrontational statements or judgmental conversation? Do you avoid statements that begin with, “You should...”,  “You shouldn't...”, or “If I were you I would...” when your opinion hasn't been solicited or requested? These sentence openers can be misconstrued and give the impression that you know what is best for the other person/s involved. 
• Do you avoid racial slurs? Stereotypical statements about cultural or religious groups? Conversations including such content are off-limits in social and professional settings. 
• Also off-limits are foul language, off-color jokes, jokes of a sexual nature, personal finances, political opinions and any other matters of a “personal” nature.

Appropriate Attire: 

• Will you blend in with everyone else? Or do your clothes scream out, “Look at me!” Professional attire works the best when it invites compliments on your good taste, not gossip or questions about your common sense or mental state. 
• Do you ask for scrutiny or questions by wearing fraternal pins, insignias, religious medals, political buttons, tattoos, body-piercings in non-cultural or socially accepted bodily areas that are displayed for others? These things are best left at home or concealed under your garments when dealing in a professional (and many social) situations unless you are in a profession relating to such matters and no one would question, or find surprising, your choice in wearing or displaying them. — By Maura J. Graber, 1994

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the “Stand-Upper”

At the very last I bring forth my little surprise treat— jam tarts, whipped cream cakes, mince or apple turnovers, or one of grandma's chocolate layer cakes.

I always try to provide some little delicacy for our Sunday evening “STAND-UPPER.” The man of the house seems to enjoy that meal more than any other, for he then does some of the cooking himself. He often cooks oysters, shrimps, or even smothered potatoes in the chafing-dish, while one of the big boys makes toast. Grandmother hurries to make some sandwiches. I make some cocoa or chocolate, and the other boys bring out the necessary plates and silver—none too much either, since it is their duty to “clean up.”

We always eat this meal in our tidy little kitchen. Just before we begin, our “men folks” take a last lingering survey of the pantry, for each one is free to cater to his own fancy at this meal, and after a bit they produce their spoils. At the very last I bring forth my little surprise treat-jam tarts, whipped cream cakes, mince or apple turnovers, or one of grandma's chocolate layer cakes. I think my boys will always remember these “stand-uppers” and perhaps they will continue them in their own homes long after “Mother” has become but a memory. Who knows! —Frances Barnard, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Business Girl

The business girl has every right to expect her boss to treat her politely!

EACH year sees more girls go into the business world, and etiquette therein is entirely different from that of the social world, though there is not, and never will be, any good reason why a woman should not always be treated as a lady wherever she happens to be. But there are certain small courtesies practiced in society that would be out of place in the business office.

The woman employee, the stenographer, the private secretary, the book-keeper, or whatever her position, has a perfect right to expect her employer to treat her politely, and if he is a gentleman he will certainly do so. But she has no right to expect from him the small attentions it would be his duty and pleasure to offer were she acquainted with him socially. The best bred girls, as well as those most successful in business, never try to make the two absolutely dissimilar worlds mingle, but keep their social life entirely for home.

It sometimes happens that a girl makes life-long friends among her business associates, but it is always best to err on the side of caution. Make many acquaintances, but few friends, and let the latter be tried and true. Be pleasant to everyone, but be in no hurry to form intimate friendships; if you do this you may be spared many painful mistakes and many regrets.

If a girl is pretty and attractive, she is sometimes offered attentions by the men in the office. No well-brought-up girl would think for a moment of accepting an invitation to lunch with any man who has always been a stranger to her; she would resent such an invitation as an insult and treat the stranger accordingly. Yet the working girl, if she values her position, cannot resent such attentions very strongly. but she can positively and firmly refuse them.

The girl who enters an office must not expect excuses to be made for her on the ground of her sex. It might al- most be said that she stands on an equal footing with man in the business world, but this is not the truth as yet, though it may be in the future.

Woman is discriminated against all through the industrial world just because she is a woman. She may do as good or better work than a man in the same position, but she cannot yet command the salary he can. But if she keeps on doing her very best and is prompt and energetic and neat in appearance, with a pleasant word and a cheery smile for all comers, she may indeed go a long way.

The Government service in Washington shows just what a woman can do when she is given the opportunity. Some of the highest paid employees of Uncle Sam in the departments there are women. Many of them have held their positions for years, going higher up the ladder year, by year.

And each year the Government is taking more women into its service. They are passing the civil service ex- aminations in all parts of the country, and most always they are women who have had some sort of business training taking the examinations. And in each successful case they have studied the etiquette of business, and they have found it too great a matter to pass by with but a sight acquaintance.– Chico Record, 1913

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Etiquette for Steam Ship Passengers

‘Do you remember my cousin who crossed with you in the spring of ‘95?’

 

WHAT NOT TO ASK THE CAPTAIN

“The annual rush of tourists back and forth over the Atlantic has begun,” said a liner’s captain, “and I am hardening myself to stand the usual ten tourist questions.

“There are ten questions that every tourist who can get near enough puts to me. You'll put them to me if you ever cross on my ship. I have been asked these ten questions 3,764,952 times. They are:

1. ‘Were you ever shipwrecked?’
2. ‘Any whales in this latitude?’
3. ‘How deep is the water here?’
4. ‘What tips are usually given, and to whom?’
5. ‘How many times have you crossed the Atlantic?’
6. ‘What is the best remedy for seasickness?’
7. ‘Why are you always painting this ship?’
8. ‘Will you let me come up on the bridge some time?’
9. ‘Do you remember my cousin who crossed with you in the spring of ‘95?’
10. ‘I suppose the passengers ask you a great many stupid questions, don't they?’”—Philadelphia Bulletin, 1910

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Etiquette and Dignified Behavior

Again, Mrs. Chester Adams requests her friends to bring to her their Social Problems and Perplexities by letter at any time.

BE DIGNIFIED

WE HAVE heard of the sweet dignity of women, and if we are mortal we have been charmed by that element in a person's deportment; we also must be aware of the fact that dignity in women is on the wane. It is to be deplored that it has gone far below par in the estimation of many, though its value is still to be appreciated by an elect few.

Now I am not preaching against a charming natural spontaneity, and no one appreciates the joy of fresh and hearty living more than I do. But I like women too much to see them lowering the standards of behavior, there-by affecting the status of our sex. And nothing is quite so effective in the destructive work as a lack of dignity.

Some one has said that dignity rarely goes hand-in-hand with haste. As soon as your actions are unduly quickened, there is a lack of judgement and equipoise which are associated with dignity, Cultivate a habit of allowing plenty of time to say and do things. In your conversation, acquire a natural dignity of intona- tion and choice of words. This does not mean to be a pedant and to flaunt long, involved sentences at a tired listener. It does mean that a statement can be made in well-chosen, pure English. As soon as slang or dioms are allowed, there is a loss of dignity.

Your correspondence, too, should receive careful consideration. Never allow one word to flow from your pen that might rebound to your discredit. The written word often stands out as a witness against the writer's good breeding.

Perhaps in your actions there is greater opportunity to throw dignity to the winds than in your words. 1 have seen women hurling wrath, in the shape of undignified words, at conductors, newsboys, children and grown people, and there has generally been nothing gained except the laugh and disrespect of the onlookers. A lack of dignity may be funny at times, but it never gains a sincere admiration or respect.

In the general attitude toward men, I must exhort women, young and otherwise, to be extremely careful. I would far rather be marked as “too dignified” than to err on the other side. I much prefer my self-respect to a familiarity which breeds contempt. It is better to possess dignity than a popularity gained at a disregard for this quality.

I do not wish to sermonize, my dear friends. I merely wish to bring to the minds of my readers the fact that in an unexplained manner we are seeing less of a serious dignity in women than in former days. We are losing one of the traits that, “in spite of the popularity of the jolly good fellow” will ever be worthy of sincere satisfaction. Are you forgetting it? Or do you stand with those who insist upon upholding the high ideals of behavior? — Dear Mrs. Adams, San Francisco Call, 1910

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More Solutions to Social Problems, 1910

A young man, aged 21, who is attending college, sends a girl a letter, asking her to reply, and the girl's father doesn't want her to correspond with the young man while he is at college. Should the father or the girl answer his letter? 

Rude Behavior

Dear Mrs. Adams: Is a man who persists in hugging and kissing a young lady already engaged to be married, when calling on her sister, a gentleman? Would you deem him a man worthy of the companionship of respectable people!?– T. B. W.

No; he cannot be called a gentleman, because he has not conducted himself in a respectable and well-behaved manner, and is not worthy of the society of well-bred persons.

Not Out of Place

Dear Mrs. Adams: 1. Please inform me if it is out place for a girl of 17 years to go with boy of the same age? 

2. A young man, aged 21, who is attending college, sends a girl a letter, asking her to reply, and the girl's father doesn't want her to correspond with the young man while he is at college. Should the father or the girl answer his letter? 

3. If a girl of 18 has a liking for a young man of 24, who has called on her but once, and is now going to a small town, would it be improper for her to telephone him and congratulate him on his new position? 

4. When writing to a friend, how should a girl begin her letters, Dear Friend, or Dearest Friend, and how should she sign her name? –Unsigned

1. While a boy and girl of such an age should not monopolize each other's time, it would not be out of place for them to be good friends and occasionally go out together. 

2. The girl may write the young man a letter telling him what her father wishes her to do.
3. It would hardly be becoming for the girl to take such a personal interest in a man with whom she is not very well acquainted.
4. The form of salutation used in a letter depends upon the relation between the writer and the recipient. Both of the forms you mention are quite informal. The same rule holds good in the closing of the letter as in the opening. The forms with "sincerely" are always good.— San Francisco Call, 1910

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Social Graces from Mrs. Adams

When making introductions one should remember that a man is always presented to a woman, a younger person to an older one and an unmarried woman to a matron. When introducing friends a good form to use is. “Miss Brown, let me present Mr. Jones.” If introducing a relative one should say, “Miss Black, may I present my cousin. Mr. White?”

Introducing Friend or Relative

Dear Mrs. Adams: 1. What is the proper way to introduce a friend or relative? 

2. In congratulating a bride or bride- groom-to-be, what must one say? 

3. What is an appropriate gift for a groom to present to his bride-to-be? 

4. On being invited to dine, how long before dinner should one arrange to arrive? When leaving, must one bid only the hostess or all the guests good-bye? –A Green One

1. When making introductions one should remember that a man is always presented to a woman, a younger person to an older one and an unmarried woman to a matron. When introducing friends a good form to use is. “Miss Brown, let me present Mr. Jones.” If introducing a relative one should say, “Miss Black, may I present my cousin. Mr. White?”

2. To the bride-to-be, one may say, “Let me offer hearty good wishes for your future happiness.” To the groom-to-be, one may say, “Accept my sincerest congratulations.” 

3. A piece of jewelry is the most appropriate gift. 

4. A dinner guest is to arrive at the hostess' home at the hour named in her invitation. When leaving, the guest politely thanks the hostess for the hospitality enjoyed. If there are few friends at the dinner, the person leaving may bid them all good evening; but if there are many guests present, she should bid a formal farewell to those friends nearest her.

Mother Insists

Dear Mrs. Adams: I am a girl of 15, and my mother insists that I shall go with a man of 26. I do not care for him. She compelled me to accept a gold watch from him as a Christmas present. What would you advise me to do in such a case? –Anxious 

While your mother may prove to be your best friend, I cannot help suggesting, in this case that you accept the young man's attentions, but treat him with indifference. He will soon understand that his company is not desired, and will not force his attentions on you. — San Francisco Call, 1910

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Solutions to Social Problems, 1910

Love knows no age, the saying goes, and I have known happy marriages when there has been a difference in ages. 

Not Able to Decide

Dear Mrs. Adams: I seek your advice in regard to an affair that has been running along or nearly two years. I am 24 and in love with a woman six years my senior. She cares for me, but insists that she does not want to spoll my life by consenting to marriage. I am equally positive that we would be perfectly happy together, despite the difference in our ages. After much warm discussion, I agreed to let you decide the matter. Will you please weigh it carefully, as your decision will be final? – Anxious

How can you expect a person who knows nothing about your lives to decide this all-important question? You have given me but one reason why there should be any objection to the marriage, whereas there may be a hundred reasons upon which to base your decision. After more serious thought you will be sure to take the right step. Love knows no age, the saying goes, and I have known happy marriages when there has been a difference in ages. But, again, there may be a great change in your ideals as you grow older, and unhappiness might result. I cannot decide for you.

Not Sisters-in-Law

Dear Mrs. Adams: “A” says my brother’s wife’s sisters are our sisters-in-law.  “B” says they are not. Which is right? – Cantalope

B is correct.

Never Offers to Carry Parcels

Dear Mrs. Adams: Should a young man carry a woman's parcels when he is taking her home? I have been going with a young man for a year, and always meet him Saturday evening when I have finished shopping, but he has never asked to carry my parcels.– Inquirer

A young man should offer to carry a woman's parcels when he is escorting her home. It would not be fair, however, to make a habit of burdening him with packages every time he is with you.

After a Reception

Dear Mrs. Adams: I was invited to a reception some time ago; kindly tell me whose place it is to pay the party call, and how soon it must be paid?– Brown Eyes

If the reception was a small and informal one no “party call” is necessary. After a large reception one may call within two or three weeks after the entertainment. — San Francisco Call, 1910

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Airship Etiquette

Never fall through a roof. People's chambers are seldom fit to receive company without advance notice of their coming… – Dining salon aboard a Graf Zeppelin LZ127
— Photo source, Pinterest

With the advent of flying machines we note that several of our dearest friends are much disturbed by a lack of knowledge of the little proprieties that govern that fine sport. For those persons we offer the following few suggestions which will be added to as the code is completed:

I-If you drop your lady be sure of your bearings. No gentleman will drop a lady into Pittsburg.

II-Remember that the motto of the Epworth League is “Look up” and DON'T SPIT. Epworth Leaguers are, as a rule, very finicky people.

III-In falling, if you should pass an acquaintance aeroplaning with a strange lady it is good form to raise your hat.

IV-Never fall through a roof. People's chambers are seldom fit to receive company without advance notice of their coming.

V-Keep to the right. — Sausalito News, 1910

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Early 20th C. Children’s Party Etiquette

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. 

HERE is a code of manners which every American child should learn. The accent is on the “American,” because on the Continent children are rarely seen until they have a certain poise, and know how to conduct themselves in due and proper manner. They are not at the table until six or eight years of age, if there are guests present, and then usually for dessert only.

In this country, when they are scarcely able to walk, children begin their social career by having parties and all sorts of festivities.

American children have rather an unsavory reputation in Europe, for which they are not to blame; it is the place of the parents to see that a child knows how to acknowledge an introduction by saying, “How do you do, Mrs. French,” or to reply, “Very well, thank you.” A child should not interrupt when older people are engaged in conversation; and when spoken to should say, “Yes, mother,” or, “No, Mrs. Gray.”

Having learned these first steps in the nursery, a child will be fitted to mingle with children and be a polite little host or hostess. Children have the same responsibility as their elders when it comes to entertaining. They must see that their guests play the games they like best, and they must give up treasured belongings for the amusement of others. Realizing that the choice of everything belongs to the visitor is a lesson hard to be learned by many petted “only children.”

To give parties often is indeed a splendid method of teaching self-control. Not elaborate evening functions, but afternoon parties with simple refreshments, where the young host or hostess works out his or her own problems, with a guiding hand to aid when necessary. It is a lesson, in more ways than one, to permit the young aspirant for social honors to plan the affair with all the individuality at command. Of course this is by far the hardest way for mothers; it is much easier to say, “Now, don't bother, mother will attend to everything”; but, what responsibility it gives a child to write the note of invitation, and plan the refreshments and favors!

This is of course for the little neighborhood affairs which should be a part of every child's life. For the elaborate birth-day party, or dance, the following models may be of service:

Miss Mary and Master Robert Kellar will be happy to see Miss Gretchen Murdoe on Tuesday evening from seven to nine at Flossmore, Park Hill Terrace

Dancing

Miss Josephine Greene requests the pleasure of Master Harold Lock's company at her birthday party on the afternoon of June the tenth, from three to six o'clock

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. — Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1909

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