How to Handle a Date with a Lush

When your date overdoes it on his alcohol consumption, to the point that you are steaming and seething at the table, you still have an obligation to be polite and mind your table manners while in public. (Take those elbows off the table) You are not required, however, to be a doormat or put your life in peril by accepting a ride home with him driving!

An Etiquipedia Q & A

As the Etiquipedia Site Editor I get many questions from readers. Here is a recent question from one disappointed young woman:

Q. I hope you have etiquette advice that can help me. I’m a fairly successful young woman. I pride myself on my figure and have worked hard to be a nicely dressed and pleasant date. I have had a few long term relationships, but have not found anyone yet I would like to really form a stronger and longer bond with until recently. A guy I know from my job (not a co-worker) asked me out to a very nice restaurant that I have long wanted to eat at. The date was really great until he started drinking before our dinner arrived. He must’ve had 3 or 4 drinks while I was still sipping my one glass of wine. I was trying to be a pleasant date despite his boozing throughout the meal, but I became embarrassed by his behavior and without him realizing it, called for an Uber to take me home. Did I handle this properly? My friends all tell me I over reacted and was rude. Was I? What should I do if this happens again?

A. Sadly, I understand and can empathize with your predicament, as I found myself on a few similar dates many years ago when I was single. Did you overreact? No. Especially if your date was very noticeably drunk. He was out on a date with his drink of choice, not with you. If he offers an apology, it’s your obligation to accept the apology politely, but think twice before accepting a second date. 

Now, regarding your Cinderella vanishing act… Were you rude? Yes. You get points for trying to make the most of a crummy situation, but to not in some way let your date know that you were seeking alternate transportation home was a faux pas. Whether or not he would have remembered you told him is immaterial. But, it was a social obligation on your part only to notify him. It was not, however, an obligation to ride home in a car being driven by someone drunk. 

If there is ever a next time, perhaps you can tip a restaurant employee on your way out, and ask him or her to inform your date of your sudden exit. It is the polite thing to do and your behavior cannot then be called into question.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: “How To” in China

The Japanese, conscientious to the extreme about courtesy and etiquette, recently published a book of instructions of how to behave in China. 

Some tips:

• (1) Moderate your drinking habits. Please try not to be a nuisance to other people, the book urges. In the past there has been trouble because of sake (rice wine) drinking. In Japan, the excuse “under the influence of sake” is acceptable, but this is not so in China.
• (2) Treat Chinese women as equals, the book warns Japanese men - So do not hurt women's feelings by teasing them or making improper jokes. Avoid undue familiarity and do not touch their persons with your hands, which is a most impolite thing to do.
• (3) Do not talk to Chinese people with a cigarette in your mouth.
• (4) Do not walk around your hotel wearing only underwear or pajamas and slippers, the book advises. Treat hotel employees not as servants but in a friendly manner, as equals.
• (5) When you take a photograph, always ask permission of bystanders. When photographing public monuments, be careful to frame the entire subject. The Chinese will inspect your film before leaving the country, and do not look kindly on headless or legless photos of their leaders.
• (6) Never speak of “Red China” or “Communist China.” The proper appellation is “The People's Republic of China.”– San Bernardino Sun, 1972

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Cocktail Parties

 Be the Best Cocktail Party Guest

A cocktail party is the classic social gathering.  At what other time, in a single location, is it plausible to find a sparkle of romance, business deals made, and social standing elevated - or plummeted?

But no matter the goings on, there is always one constant:  the level of decorum expected from each guest.

It begins with your arrival.  Since cocktail hour isn't a sit-down affair, it is fine to arrive after it begins, but never early.  A host is usually fine-tuning food, drinks, and set-up well into the last minute.  Your early arrival will only escalate the frenzy.

Remember Your Limit

Just because it's a party doesn't mean you can totally cut loose.  Know your drink limit before you arrive.  If you're attending primarily for networking purposes, one or two drinks is an appropriate maximum.  

Over-indulging is a good way to invite trouble to any gathering.  A host's nightmare!
No one wants a drunk guest falling down a staircase, hitting on a VIP - or any guest for that matter, or falling asleep in the onion dip.

If you find yourself sipping a little too hurriedly, switch to water or soda.  

And if you don't drink, having water or a non-alcoholic beverage in your glass works perfectly well as you go about the party mingling and meeting new people.  After all, isn't that why you came? 

Cocktail Party Boundaries

For some people, cocktails are like truth serum with a permission slip to talk to anyone who will listen.  

Be very careful here!  People remember more than you may think, and you never know which sober guest may overhear you and spread the word.  

Keep all cocktail party conversations civil and never divulge anything you wouldn't be willing to place on a billboard.

Also, keep courtesy intact when mingling with V.I.P.'s:

• Avoid monopolizing a VIP's time.  If you engage in one-on-one conversation, invite others to join in after a few minutes.
• Address with respect at all times.  If you call him Mr. Mayor at Chamber of Commerce meetings, don't call him Bill at your neighbor's party.
  
• You're treating everyone as a VIP if you respect their time!
  

Time to Leave

If you arrived a bit late to the party, don't assume it's okay to stay late as well.  
When guests begin to filter out, it's probably time for you to go, too.  

But no matter what time you leave, thank your host and follow up with a thank you note, or an email if that feels appropriate. 

The Best Guest

The best guest on any occasion is mindful, helpful, and cheerful.  The "etiquette-ful" guest practices the art of putting others first while being true to personal values. 

She notices when a newcomer needs to be introduced around and is happy to meet the challenge.  

If ice is running low, or the hors d'oeuvre tray needs refilling, he takes care of it - or offers to.

There is never a lack of good cheer when an ideal guest is in attendance.  Conversation is always positive and smiles abound.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of a Popular Gilded Age Cordial

Though it was served in a wine glass full of finely shaved ice in the gilded age, as opposed to a “rocks” glass, this still looks refreshing! – The agreeable manner in which this cordial now grown so popular, is taken, makes it particularly seductive, especially to women afflicted with disordered nerves and general lack of tone and vigor. To such, the temporary effect of the alcohol is naturally agreeable, and some may even delude themselves into the belief that the drink which they find so pleasant possesses medicinal and curative properties derived from the peppermint contained in it. As in the case of many of the decoctions advertised under the name of “bitters,” it is easy to form and to accept such an agreeable inference.
– Photo source, Pinterest

Crême de menthe, which has become a favorite after-dinner cordial with men, is lately very fashionable and popular at ladies’ dinners. Composed of nothing but a cordial sweetened and strongly flavored with peppermint, there is a grateful smoothness to it, when skillfully manufactured, as well as a penetrating warmth, at once soothing and stimulating to the stomach, which renders it attractive to many whom harsher alcoholic drinks would nauseate and disgust. 

This agreeable effect is heightened by the manner in which the cordial is taken, a liqueur glassful being poured over a wine glass full of finely-broken ice. Thoroughly cooled and also diluted in this way, the alcoholic body of the spirits is hardly perceptible to the taste or throat, while nevertheless diffusing its potency through the system. Some people doubtless find a pleasure even in the bright green color of the cordial, with the broken ice glistening through it– aesthetic individuals with an eye to the artistic, whose sensitive temperaments are open to the slightest effects.

But the agreeable manner in which this cordial now grown so popular, is taken, makes it particularly seductive, especially to women afflicted with disordered nerves and general lack of tone and vigor. To such, the temporary effect of the alcohol is naturally agreeable, and some may even delude themselves into the belief that the drink which they find so pleasant possesses medicinal and curative properties derived from the peppermint contained in it. As in the case of many of the decoctions advertised under the name of “bitters,” it is easy to form and to accept such an agreeable inference.

For some temporary disorders of the stomach or digestive apparatus a little peppermint at the right time is undoubtedly a good thing; but it can derange as well as cure, and in any event the alcohol is certain to do injury if taken frequently. Manufactured liquors of this kind are more injurious than the plain alcoholic sort, which, as all physicians are agreed, do no good to any person if persistently and regularly taken, and woman’s sensitive organization experiences such ill effects more readily than that of man. – The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Solver of Sticky Social Dilemmas

Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest, Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. – From “Emily Post On Etiquette” 

Image from the Etiquipedia© personal library

Etiquette was invented to solve those sticky social dilemmas… 

Life is full of sticky social situations but there's no need to become unglued, because etiquette was invented to solve these problems. The traditional way to solve social dilemmas has been to ask Emily Post, who first published her book “Etiquette” in 1922. In the current issue of Redbook, Elizabeth Post, a granddaughter of the original Emily, answers some of today’s etiquette quandaries in an excerpt from her book, “Emily Post On Etiquette.” 

• Proper party manners often pose problems. What happens, for instance, if you are invited to a cocktail party the same weekend a cousin is visiting. Can you ask your hostess if your cousin may attend? “No. Decline the invitation and explain your reason to the hostess,” Post advised. “She then has the option to say, ‘I'm sorry you can’t come, we’ll miss you,’ or, if she feels your cousin’s presence won’t make a difference in her planning, she may say, ‘Do bring him. I’d love to meet your cousin.”’

• Hostesses may have a problem dealing with the guest whose babysitter has defected and asks to bring her baby to an adults-only cocktail party. “An adults-only party is just that, and you need not feel you are being rude by telling your guest you would love for her to come, but the party is for adults and you do not have accommodations for an infant,” Post wrote. 

• Then there’s the dinner at which you are offered a dish you don’t like. Among friends. Post said, you can just say, “No, thank you.” Otherwise it is good manners to take and eat at least a little of every dish offered, except in cases of allergy or special diet. 

• Smokers sometimes are uncertain about when and where they can light up. “If a smoker is visiting a house for the first time, or is with people he or she doesn’t know well, or is in close quarters with friends, the smoker should always ask, ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ If someone does mind, don’t smoke,” Post said. 

• Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest. Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. 

• If you are the one who drinks too much at a party and are insulting, rude or disruptive, you must call and apologize. If you simply left the party early, without embarrassing yourself or anyone else, you need apologize only for early departure. 

• It’s a wise guest who knows when to call it a night “Try to be sensitive to, and aware of, the people around you,” Post wrote “Most hostesses are reluctant to speed the departure of guests, even when they are ready to end a party.” Look for signs of tiredness, then make your move to break up the party. But remember, etiquette dictates you not eat and run. You should remain at least one hour after dinner. 

• For the hostess who wants to let the guests know it’s time to go home, Post advises closing the bar, offering a last nightcap and making a show of putting the liquor away. A hostess may also yawn and look at her watch. – AP Features, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Champagne Stemware

Know your champagne and sparkling wine glasses. 

– Photo source Pinterest, from Wine Folly

Properly Holding Stemware with Champagne and Other Cold or Chilled Beverages 

Champagne and other chilled beverages are more easily kept cold when served in stemware. Held properly, by the glass’s stem as shown below, the beverage doesn't need to be diluted with melting ice, as the body's heat won't transfer to the drink through the stem. The beverage appears more elegant, as does the person drinking the beverage out of the stemware, as opposed to drinking from a glass tumbler. 

At informal parties when cold beverages or chilled champagne are served in trendy, stemless glasses, guests should be able to keep their hands dry, especially as their drinks are slowly warming. The host or hostess should provide plenty of cocktail napkins for condensation that accumulates on the outside of the glass.

No napkin is required (though it is always best to offer one to each guest, especially for catching drips, etc...) when glasses with stems are being used, unless one is eating, as well.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Turkish Etiquette and “Iced Punch”

Although alcohol is considered haram (prohibited or sinful) by the majority of Muslims, a significant minority drinks, and those who do often outdrink their Western counterparts. Among drinkers, Chad and a number of other Muslim-majority countries top the global ranking for alcohol consumption.– Washington Post, 2018 

“Max Müller, was a German-born philologist and ‘Orientalist,’ who lived and studied in Britain for most of his life. He was one of the founders of the western academic field of Indian studies and the discipline of study of religions.”– Source and photo Wikipedia 

“In Max Müller’s honor, the Sultan gave a dinner. Of course, Mrs. Max Müller was not invited, but the lady, in her ‘‘Letters from Constantinople,” describes it, and the little incident, and how the Sultan drew the line between wine and punch is amusing: ‘Nobody spoke except the Sultan, whose conversation with the Embassador was most animated, though carried on entirely by an interpreter. My husband, not knowing the Turkish etiquette, began to talk French to his neighbor, but received such very short answers that he, too, relapsed into silence. The Sultan, who had evidently seen this, beckoned to Munir Pasha, who whispered something to the Ministers of War and Marine and began to talk very pleasantly, encouraged by a look from the Sultan not to mind such a breach of etiquette. 

Neither the Sultan, nor any of the officials present, had a drop of wine. None was on the table, nor was any handed round, except to unbelievers. The claret, however, was so good that my husband could not resist asking the Grand Master of Ceremonies. ‘Who tasted and chose the wine for the Imperial table?’ He shrugged his shoulders, as though he would say, ‘You can guess.’ One of the  items of the menu was punch. It was iced punch, smelling so strongly that everyone could perceive the alcohol in it, but neither the Sultan nor any of his guests were afraid of it. It was called punch, and punch is not forbidden in the Koran.” – San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 1897

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Scandinavian Skoaling Etiquette

The custom in Scandinavia is believed to have had its origins in the Stonge Age, and certainly can be traced back to the Vikings, say various historical sources. It is just as correct to skoal with water or with soft drink, as it is with still wine, champagne, the liqueurs, or the Scandinavian national beverages of beer and aquavit.

When “Skoaling” in Scandinavia,You’re Supposed to Use Your Eyes, Too

Copenhagen, Denmark (UPI) 
Lifting a glass to toast the health of dining companions is a custom prescribed in many countries of the world. In the United States, on informal occasions, the message to go with the toast usually is the simple “cheers.” Maybe the glasses are touched. This is the British toast too. In Germany, the toastmaster says “prosit.” In Italian, it’s “la sua salute.” In Spanish, “salud,” in French “a votre sante” and in Japanese, “kampaii.” 

In Scandinavia, the fine art of drinking to the health of friends has been polished and aged so well through the centuries, that to think of these Nordic peoples is to think almost automatically, of their “skaal,” or “skoal,” as it has been Anglicized. Fifteen women reporters from North and South America, Western Europe and Japan on a two weeks tour of Denmark, Norway and Sweden have been “skoaled” so , frequently that when we hear the salute to our good health we automatically lift a glass, look at our host and sip even if we’ve switched to mineral water. Matter of fact, it is just as correct to skoal with water or with soft drink, as it is with still wine, champagne, the liqueurs, or the Scandinavian national beverages of beer and aquavit.

The custom in Scandinavia is believed to have had its origins in the Stonge Age, and certainly can be traced back to the Vikings, say various historical sources. “Skaal” in Danish literally means bowl, and is a word earned over from ancient days when a guest or guests would be welcomed into a home by the host’s presentation of a bowl of grain or other food. Presenting the food was a symbol of friendship. The tradition held, but as time passed, beverages were substituted for the grain.

The proper way to “skoal,” the Danish Information Office says, is for the host first to raise a glass— no one sips before the host has offered the toast— and look around at the guests at the table, then directly into the eyes of one particular guest, say “skoal,” drink, then look into the same pair of eyes again. A guest may offer a skoal to his host, but never to the hostess. But the hostess may offer a “skoal” to the guests.

At a large dinner party, with say 25 or 30 persons present, this “skoaling” for each individual gets so long drawn out that usually the host offers that eye-to-eye “skoal” to one or two guests, then gives everyone a chance to sip without all the formalities, by offering what is known as the “round skoal.” This one is a toast offered to all at the table, and after that first sip and glance at the host or the person across the table from you guests may lift glasses without the repetition of “skoal” each time.

In Norway, one way to get the evening’s protocol out of the way rapidly, was to offer an all-embracing “skoal around the coast.’’ I asked one Danish gentleman if there was etiquette for “skoal” when a boy dates a girl. “The same rule applies,” he said, “The boy looks into her eyes, says 'skoal,' sips, and looks into her eyes again.” “Wonderful,” he said, “for abetting romance.” — The Desert Sun, 1963

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Agony Aunt's Etiquette

In the spring of 1898, Marie Manning was sitting in the "hen coop" (slang for 'women's department') of the New York Evening Journal when her editor walked in with three letters from readers seeking personal advice. Would Ms. Manning have any use for such letters on the women's page? Ms. Manning would, and she started an advice column, under the nom de plume, " Miss Fairfax." 

The Girl Who Drinks And Smokes? "This Question Is Not One of Propriety," Says Miss Fairfax, but "One of Common Sense"

LIZETTE writes me: "Do you think it is proper or if it displays courtesy and kindness on the part of a young lady to light a gentleman's cigarette and pour out beer from a bottle into his glass at a public place?" 

It is not a matter of propriety, my dear Lizette. Like many young girls, you do not observe the different shade in the meaning of a word. If this is a question of propriety, then suicide becomes solely a matter of etiquette, and a query if it is "good form" for a girl to pour kerosene over her clothes and set them on fire is not a misuse of the English language. 

Neither will you find in any authority on the origin, derivation and meaning of words sanction for the words "courtesy" and "kindness" as you use them. They are gentle, well bred words and to apply them to such acts as lighting a man's cigarette and pouring out his beer in public places is like planting a violet in a bed of poison ivy. Neither would a "lady" show such attention to a "gentleman" in any place, public or private. But these words have been so universally abused that they have sunk to a low rank, and your use of them is not a misuse. 

Let me write your question as it should be written: "Do you think it is vulgar or if it displays recklessness and a spirit of indecency on the part of a woman to light a man's cigarette and pour out beer from a bottle Into his glass when at a public place?" I certainly do! I think she lights more than a cigarette and she pours out more than beer. She applies a match to her good name. She is starting a fire that will consume her future, leave little of the past which should have spoken well for her and that will die with nothing to show for her life but the cold ashes of shame and regret. She is pouring out humiliation, despair, sin, poverty, loneliness, grief, isolation from all that respectability holds dear, and a bitterness that will eat out her heart and soul. She is committing moral suicide, a crime too serious to be guised as "courtesy" and "kindness." 

My dear Lizette, any young woman who drinks intoxicating liquors with a man at public places demeans herself, and this is just as true if the drink is taken in a public place reeking with wealth or a cheap corner saloon reeking with the ill odors of tobacco and filth. The costly champagne glass has no higher moral tone than the poorest beer glass. 

There is no aristocracy of place that will sanction such an act. No man with brains in his head smokes cigarettes, for if he has the brains and smokes cigarettes, he will not have the brains long. No man with respect for a young woman will drink beer and smoke cigarettes at a public table in her presence. It may be the custom in some countries, but it will never be a custom here with those who reverence the decencies.

A woman who will do that which you ask, is "proper" encourages a man to be disrespectful of all women, a disrespect that will grow in a very short time into contempt for the woman who inspired it. She sanctions his ill breeding, and slips down into something worse In doing it. 

Such a situation as you picture will never be the experience of the girl who respects herself. For never, under any circumstances, would she sit at a table in a public place with a man who drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, and consequently she never would meet the problem in "etiquette" that you submit for solution. – San Francisco Call, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Alcohol, Etiquette and the Kaiser

According to strict etiquette, alcoholic drinks would be banished from all dinners at which his Majesty was present in the ordinary way.

Contrary to popular belief, the amount of beer drunk per head of population in Germany every year is considerably less than the amount drunk in England. Very little alcohol is drunk by the German Royal family though the Kaiser is the only absolute teetotaler. 

When he is invited to dinner, he drinks a special temperance drink that is supplied to his host in advance, and is served to the Emperor in champagne bottles. The reason for this is that according to strict etiquette, alcoholic drinks would be banished from all dinners at which his Majesty was present in the ordinary way. But the Kaiser waives etiquette and drinks mock champagne while the guests are drinking real variety. - Healdsburg Enterprise, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia