Guest of Honor Etiquette

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

Etiquette: Guest of Honor Faces Special Social Rules

It is pleasant, of course, to be designated a guest of honor, but the honor should never come as a complete surprise.

A person who has been asked to be a feature speaker at a college, a school or a church knows that he or she will certainly be a guest of honor and is prepared for a certain degree of formality as a result, However, a celebrity who is asked to what he thinks is a simple lunch with friend and finds that without warning she is expected to glow as the guest of honor, may be somewhat put out by the compliment.

At club functions, at private homes, at university teas, there is often no formal receiving line. The guest of honor stands with the hostess while guests are introduced. If all the guests come more or less at the same time, this is a relatively simple procedure. If they filter in, however, and hostess and guests are seated and having tea, what happens as individual guests arrive to be greeted by the hostess?

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

It can readily be seen that it is much more convenient for hostess and guest of honor to stand and drink their tea, so as to avoid considerable rising and sitting.

Properly, one does not leave reception of any kind without bidding farewell to host and hostess and guest of honor – unless one must leave before the receiving line, if any, breaks up. In this latter case just the greeting is sufficient and the guest takes leave of the group with which he finds himself only. Women, by the way, as I have said before, keep their gloves on as they are going down the receiving line. They remove them when partaking of retreshments or smoking.

The guest of honor usually wears a hat at a daytime reception of any kind, but since this costume varies in different communities it is wise for her to ask the hostess what is expected. Amazingly, big cities are much less formal in this respect than some small towns. But even where hats are not worn, gloves are.

The hostess no longer under these circumstances wears a hat in her own home unless, for example, the reception is a wedding reception following a religious ceremony at home. In this case the mother of the bride would wear a hat as part of her costume - at least for a Protestant Episcopal ceremony - just as she would for a home christening or a funeral. — By Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1951’s “New” Entertaining Manners

Do you end up, after the company is gone, leaning on the kitchen sink and shuddering at the thought of guests? Well, there's a new and smart way out. It's called the New Etiquette. Based sensibly on the fact that few 1951 homes have maids, it sees to it that the hostess enjoys her own parties. The main requirements are the New Style Hostess (or Host) and the New Style Guest. Both should cut down work.

Spare Your Hostess!

..that will make it fun for everyone 

DO YOU TRY to live in 1951 and keep up 1891 table etiquette?

Are you still trying to entertain the way Grandma did? Still trotting out all the family silver and china, the fussy meals and the millionaire manners?

But suppose you don't have Grandma's leisure or “a girl to come in and help.” Do you end up, after the company is gone, leaning on the kitchen sink and shuddering at the thought of guests?

Well, there's a new and smart way out. It's called the New Etiquette. Based sensibly on the fact that few 1951 homes have maids, it sees to it that the hostess enjoys her own parties.

The main requirements are the New Style Hostess (or Host) and the New Style Guest. Both should cut down work.

The keynotes are (1) dishes that can be thrown away, in- stead of cleaned, (2) food that needs less silverware, (3) table arrangements that let guests share with the serving, and (4) clean-up co-operation that lets all join in and have fun.

The New Etiquette is shown at work in the breakfast setting above. Please note that (1) Except for the coffee cups (without saucers), it uses new, non-tasting, plastie-lined paper plates and cups. (2) All food is presented in original containers, or in the cooking utensils. (3) All foods are grouped conveniently. (4) The paper napkins and easily sponged plastic cloth need not be laundered. Hosts and guests are on their own. Wash-up time will be a matter of seconds, not minutes.

Once you get the idea, the New Etiquette is simplicity itself. Here are some 'important pointers:

LUNCH, DINNER: Think of your menu in terms of the easiest service, with the main course served in one unit. Stews or cas- seroles are ideal. Roasts, steaks, and chops can be served on the same platter as the vegetables. Avoid putting silver-ware where it is not needed. With a little planning, the 82 pieces of silver and china often used to serve four people can be cut to 35. If you have one, carry everything in on a tea-wagon.

COCKTAIL PARTIES: Don't make the canapés, or beyond the first round, mix the drinks yourself. Arrange the makings for canapés and let guests help themselves. Bring liquor, ice, mixes, bar tools into the living room.

PICNICS: Let the guests dream up, and make, their own sandwiches. Take bread, butter, meats, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and lettuce.

MANNERS FOR GUESTS: Especially on week-ends, remember that your hosts are not your servants. Make your own bed, Pitch in and help with the rest of the work. They'll be glad to have you back!

MANNERS FOR HOSTS: If you expect guests to help with the work, keep it to a minimum and make it easy. For clean-up after meals, label your kitchen shelves so that they'll know where things belong. - By Russell Wright, Co-author with Mary Wright of "Easier Living" Simon & Schuster

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Polite Thanksgiving Guest - 12 Tips

Your cellphone should be set aside for face to face communication with others and taking occasional photos. Keep your phone out of sight unless it’s needed. If you get a personal call, step into another room or go outside to take the call.

Twelve Tips for Being a Welcome Thanksgiving Guest

1. Don’t enter a home asking for the television remote, video controller or the wifi password. You’re there to visit and socialize. Instead, greet your host &/or hostess and thank them for having you. 
2. Holidays already bring unexpected surprises. Never show up with an “extra” guest or friend in tow unless you’ve politely discussed the matter with your host/s.
3. If you are “bringing a dish,” and you know the host’s or hostess’s taste in tableware, bringing an actual dish with your food as a hostess gift is a thoughtful touch. Ex: Your sister collects old, blue and white transferware. You spot unique bowls she’d love online and on sale. Pick a pretty style for her to keep and bring your famous cranberry sauce in it, ready to serve. 
4. If you aren’t already helping out in the kitchen, ask what you can do to assist. Many hosts & hostesses don’t want help in the kitchen, but may need help in making sure guests’ glasses are on coasters, guests’ coats are hung up or that children aren’t underfoot. Some hosts and hostesses need help with setting the table. Offer to make yourself useful.
5. If your hosts have the big game on, parade or holiday marathon, go ahead and watch. Just don’t ignore others or let it monopolize your attention.
6. Your cellphone should be set aside for face to face communication with others and taking occasional photos. Keep your phone out of sight unless it’s needed. If you get a personal call, step into another room or go outside to take the call.
7. Ask where you should sit at the table, unless your host instructs you to, “sit anywhere.” If there are place cards, sit where the host/s have placed you. It is the rudest of gusts who will rearrange place cards at someone else’s table.
8. Never criticize the food or how it’s prepared. If you don’t care for something, simply pass on the dish, or pass it on to the next guest without comment.
9. Keep political opinions and other hot topics out of your conversation. Regardless of your passions or opinions, seasonal get-togethers are not the time for division, especially in someone else’s home.
10. Don’t expect to take home leftovers, even if it’s the norm in your family or circle. Food prices have skyrocketed the past few years and some families have started asking guests to chip in on the cost of the meal. Leftovers may only be up for grabs if you’ve contributed monetarily to the meal. 
11. Holidays can be a lonely time for people, even those attending large gatherings. Be polite and try to chat with anyone who looks like they need some kindness sent their way.
12. Don’t overstay your welcome and always thank your hosts when you leave.

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Along with teaching and giving talks on old flatware, she is an etiquette consultant for the HBO – Julian Fellowes’ series, “The Gilded Age”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners and Mid- 20th C. Parties

The hostess also gets to decide how her table looks. The hostess of 1956 was encouraged to get the place settings she wanted by making these place mats herself! — Image from “Needlework and Crafts Magazine,” 1956

Filed Under “Manners Can Make Friends”

If a hostess is giving a large party, inviting guests in two or three shifts, go during the time mentioned on your invitation. It isn't good manners to decide it would be more fun to go with friends invited for a different hour. The hostess, not the guest, is supposed to set the time.— The Napa Valley Register, 1956

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

She Wouldn’t Tolerate Etiquette Breach

Georgiana, the most famous Duchess of Devonshire, as portrayed by Kiera Knightly in the period drama, “The Duchess.” – Georgiana was known as “The Electioneering Duchess” due to her insistance on being publicly vocal about her political beliefs. A little more than a hundred years after Georgiana’s death in 1806, the early 20th century Duchess of Devonshire may have been in support of women’s votes, but was clearly in support of good manners in her home.

Women Guests Cry, “Votes!” 

and are Banished 

Duchess of Devonshire Won’t Tolerate Breach of Etiquette

LONDON, June 17.– There was a meeting at Devonshire House today of the Colonial Nursing Association. Princess Henry of Battenberg was present. While Lewis Harcourt, a member of the Cabinet, was speaking, two suffragettes interrupted him with their cry of, “Votes for Women.”

The Duchess of Devonshire reminded the women they were guests in the house and in the circumstance she had no alternative but to request that they withdraw. The women were led from the room.– Chico Record, 1912

🗳Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wine Etiquette for the Well-Bred

We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy…

No gentleman will ever criticize a wine offered to him, no matter how poor it may be. We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy: 

“In England during the French Revolution, the Duke of Bedford invited the emigrant Duc de Grammont to a splendid dinner, one of those magnificent entertainments which Englishmen pride themselves on giving to crowned heads, and their good feeling prompts them to offer to exiles. During dessert, a bottle of Constantia was produced, which for age and flavor was supposed to be matchless. It was liquid gold in a crystal flagon– a ray of the sun descending into a goblet; it was nectar which was worthy of Jove, and in which Bacchus would have revelled. 

The noble head of the house of Russell himself helped his guest to a glass of this choice wine, and de Grammont, on tasting it, declared it to be excellent. The Duke of Bedford, anxious to judge of its quality, poured out a glass, which no sooner approached his lips than, with a horrible contortion, he exclaimed: ‘Why, what on earth is this?’ The butler approached, took the bottle and applied it to his nostrils, and, to the dismay of his master, pronounced it to be castor-oil. The Duc de Grammont had swallowed this horrid draught without wincing.” – From “Frost’s Laws and By-Laws of American Society,” by S. Annie Frost, 1869

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Petra Carsetti’s 10 Commandments of Italian Dinner Party Etiquette

Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 

1. Be a good host or hostess: The most important rule is to be welcoming and empathetic. People will remember much more feeling of a beautiful evening spent, than the correct position of the cutlery. 
2. Listen to your table guests: As a good host or hostess, try to steer the conversation so that everyone feels like part of the discussion. Banned topics at the table are health, disease, politics, sports, death. Better to talk about topics that unite and do not divide like time, a journey, a good book, a film, an exhibition ... 
3. Pass to the right: Be ready to pour water and wine, or to pass  dishes to those who sit next to us. Usually it should be the man who does this first, with the woman sitting on his right. 
4. Keep the table clutter free: Mobile phones should not be placed upon, or at the table. (This currently applies to covid masks as well) Mobile phones should be silenced and placed in pockets or handbags. If you receive a call (on silent ringtone) try to answer only for emergencies and do so quietly with minimal disruption at the table. The other guests do not need to hear the whole conversation. 
5. Use good manners: Eat without calling attention to yourself. One should develop good habits like chewing with the mouth closed and not “talking to the bite,” (speaking all the way until another bite of food goes into your mouth,) or playing/gesticulating with the cutlery. 
6. Dine without fuss: Do not blow on hot dishes, but wait a few seconds for them to cool. 
7. Practice good posture: To eat, do not bring your head and mouth toward the plate but bring your food to your mouth, while keeping your posture erect.
8. Don’t rock out: Do not rock back and forth in the chair, but sit composed. Your wrists and hands should be visible on the table, but never your elbows.
9. Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 
10. Toast elegantly: Keep your glass rim clean if you are going to make a toast. Use your napkin to dab your mouth, before and after drinking if necessary. Do not clink glasses and please do not say “cin cin.” You can make a more thoughtful toast with your own words and looking in the eyes of the people with whom you are toasting.

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, and in September she will come out with her new book, “GalaTime: it is always time for good manners”!

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Solver of Sticky Social Dilemmas

Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest, Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. – From “Emily Post On Etiquette” 

Image from the Etiquipedia© personal library

Etiquette was invented to solve those sticky social dilemmas… 

Life is full of sticky social situations but there's no need to become unglued, because etiquette was invented to solve these problems. The traditional way to solve social dilemmas has been to ask Emily Post, who first published her book “Etiquette” in 1922. In the current issue of Redbook, Elizabeth Post, a granddaughter of the original Emily, answers some of today’s etiquette quandaries in an excerpt from her book, “Emily Post On Etiquette.” 

• Proper party manners often pose problems. What happens, for instance, if you are invited to a cocktail party the same weekend a cousin is visiting. Can you ask your hostess if your cousin may attend? “No. Decline the invitation and explain your reason to the hostess,” Post advised. “She then has the option to say, ‘I'm sorry you can’t come, we’ll miss you,’ or, if she feels your cousin’s presence won’t make a difference in her planning, she may say, ‘Do bring him. I’d love to meet your cousin.”’

• Hostesses may have a problem dealing with the guest whose babysitter has defected and asks to bring her baby to an adults-only cocktail party. “An adults-only party is just that, and you need not feel you are being rude by telling your guest you would love for her to come, but the party is for adults and you do not have accommodations for an infant,” Post wrote. 

• Then there’s the dinner at which you are offered a dish you don’t like. Among friends. Post said, you can just say, “No, thank you.” Otherwise it is good manners to take and eat at least a little of every dish offered, except in cases of allergy or special diet. 

• Smokers sometimes are uncertain about when and where they can light up. “If a smoker is visiting a house for the first time, or is with people he or she doesn’t know well, or is in close quarters with friends, the smoker should always ask, ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ If someone does mind, don’t smoke,” Post said. 

• Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest. Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. 

• If you are the one who drinks too much at a party and are insulting, rude or disruptive, you must call and apologize. If you simply left the party early, without embarrassing yourself or anyone else, you need apologize only for early departure. 

• It’s a wise guest who knows when to call it a night “Try to be sensitive to, and aware of, the people around you,” Post wrote “Most hostesses are reluctant to speed the departure of guests, even when they are ready to end a party.” Look for signs of tiredness, then make your move to break up the party. But remember, etiquette dictates you not eat and run. You should remain at least one hour after dinner. 

• For the hostess who wants to let the guests know it’s time to go home, Post advises closing the bar, offering a last nightcap and making a show of putting the liquor away. A hostess may also yawn and look at her watch. – AP Features, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Two Wrongs and What’s Right

Gifts are always fun to receive, but one should never expect them. – “Etiquette” is a matter of common sense. When friends call on a couple in their new home for the first time, it’s customary to bring a gift. However, if you gave the party only to harvest the gifts, the crop failure was just.

Hostess’s Misguided Ignorance 

vs 

Rude, Know-it-All’s Meddling 

DEAR ABBY: Last week my husband and I gave a house-warming party in our first new home. We sent out invitations to 16 couples saying it was a housewarming. Everyone came, but only one couple brought a gift. I was so hurt and embarrassed I didn't know what to think. Yesterday one of my friends told me she would have brought a gift, but one of the other invited guests took it upon herself to call up everybody and spread the word that it’s not etiquette for people to give a housewarming party for themselves, and therefore it wasn’t proper to bring a gift. She said a “real” house-warming party, where a gift is in order, is one that is given by friends for the new home owners. Abby, if we had known this we never would have given that party. We went to a lot of expense entertaining those people with drinks and food. That girl sure had her nerve, but was she right? - NOT UP ON ETIQUETTE

DEAR NOT UP: “Etiquette” is a matter of common sense. When friends call on a couple in their new home for the first time, it’s customary to bring a gift. Your friend, the self-appointed authority on etiquette, could use some pointers on what’s proper. However, if you gave the party only to harvest the gifts, the crop failure was just. –Abigail Van Buren, 1965

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Guests Regarding Diet

There are allowances for some not eating what is being served. There are some people who really can not eat certain foods—they break out in spots or start sneezing or something. If they are served their own private poison, of course, it would be ridiculous for them to chance physical discomfort.

Don’t Hurt Your Hostess

By Deborah Ames

In these days of diet fads and foibles, more and more people, women particularly, are going on diets which prohibit their eating certain foods. Sometimes these diets are really necessary—often they are undertaken through boredom or a desire to become as slim as a favorite movie actress. Whatever the reason, they are producing a new problem in mealtime etiquette — the question of whether to eat or refuse. I have seen several answers to this question, but in my own opinion, there is only one. 

I think it is a little short of an insult to refuse a course at a dinner or luncheon. It doesn’t matter if the food is poison to you, your hostess is bound to notice and be hurt if you refuse to be served. Now, you don’t have to eat it, just because you have taken it—you can nibble at it, or even play with it if you really can not eat it. There are some people who really can not eat certain foods—they break out in spots or start sneezing or something. If they are served their own private poison, of course, it would be ridiculous for them to chance physical discomfort. — Albuquerque Journal, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on Candles and Smokers

One of the better known writers on manners, with her first book of etiquette published in 1922, is Emily Post. Though she died in 1960, her extended family (most notably her late-granddaughter in-law, Elizabeth Post) has successfully continued on with her legacy of  nearly a century of etiquette books, news columns and social media contributions. – Above, “Emily Post” by Miguel Covarrubias for Vanity Fair, December 1933 
– Image source, Pinterest 

From “Good Taste Today” 

Dear Mrs. Post: Will you please tell me, first if it is proper to use unlighted candles (in candelabra) on the buffet merely as decoration? Second, if it is proper to use them then, should the candles be new or should they be lighted and snuffed out, leaving chaired ends?  

Answer: If by a buffet you mean a sideboard, candelabra are suitable decoration. There is no rule about burning off the candles, but if you did this the candelabra would at least look as though they were sometimes used on the dining table and merely stood on the sideboard between while. Candles are, of course, always put on an evening buffet table and lighted beforehand unless in summer when the evening meal begins in daylight.  

Dear Mrs. Post: How can I be courteous about letting visitors in my house know that I do not like cigaret smoke? Any one using strong perfume is supposed to be showing very bad taste, and yet cigaret smoke smells equally strong, to say nothing of smoke-drenched clothes worn by the inveterate smokers. When I have to spend a day or evening with smokers, I am completely seasick. 

Answer: If people you care very little about are the smokers, the solution is simple enough since you need not continue inviting them to your house. If, however, all the people you like best smoke, you will, I am afraid, have to accustom yourself to smoke or resign yourself to loneliness. On the other hand, I think it only fair to mention that your friends should in their turn show reasonable consideration for you. 

Every smoker should realize that smoking at a dining table, which has not been furnished with ash trays and cigarets, is a breach of etiquette. After the meal, of course, the question of courtesy goes into reverse and those who dislike smoke are unhappily for themselves expected to tolerate it. One thing that might help you, if you have not already discovered it, is to remove the dead ends constantly from the ash trays or better still, get especial ash receivers with water compartments beneath trap tops which prevent that stale smell, which is more than likely the cause of your feeling of seasickness. —Emily Post, 1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Basic Holiday Party Manners

Always try to be a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!) - Photo source, Pinterest

Q. This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit some social error and not even know it. Are there any definite party going rules one could learn for insurance ?  

A. There probably are as many rules as there are parties, but here are three tips which provide a general rule of thumb: 

• Always try to be helpful, cooperative about any special party plans, and a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!)  
• Be as thoughtful about the family and their home as you would want people to be about your own. 
• Express your thanks for a good time and leave promptly when the party is over. These guideposts should make you the most popular guest of the season. – Junior Miss Etiquette Advice by Miss Deb, November 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920s Dinner Party Manners

At dinner, host or guest, one can surely practice the little graces that represent good breeding. In offering the following suggestions, most of them will probably meet with inward exclamations of aggrieved protest from the readers, but yet they are the commonest errors and simplest corrections.
Photo source, Pinterest 

This is a busy world—too busy for the common courtesies at times. How often do we catch ourselves, after a real or fancied “break” in etiquette, hanging the full blame on the excuse of absent-mindedness. However, at dinner, host or guest, one can surely practice the little graces that represent good breeding. In offering the following suggestions, most of them will probably meet with inward exclamations of aggrieved protest from the readers, but yet they are the commonest errors and simplest corrections. Here are a few “don’ts”. 

• Do not sit with elbow on the table. 
• Do not toy with food or tuck the napkin under the chin or fold it when finishing eating in a public eating house. 
• Do not mash food with a fork or comment on food at a dinner party. 
• Do not stir liquids more than a second or two, and after using any of the silver for your food, knife or spoon, do not retain it in your hand, but lay it on the table. 
• Do not throw out elbows while eating and do not lounge slouchily in your chair. 
• Of course, following the party it is courteous to thank the hostess for her hospitality, but it is both awkward and unnecessary to repeat such to the host. 

It is one of the prettiest and most thoughtful of graces to rise when someone is taking leave of you, and in doing so lay the napkin on the table. As to the napkin itself, unfold just once when you take your place at table, and lay it lengthwise across your lap. If you expect to use it again, fold it when rising from your place after the meal. Sit erect at the table, keep your hands in your lap between courses and sit quietly. When eating use the fork with the right hand, and you may, without being accused of gluttony, partake of each course. Eat crackers broken in small bits, the same as bread, and the best table etiquette decries the habit of breaking crackers into the bowl when taking soup. 

When leaving the house after the party, it is correct to take leave of both host and hostess. Careful hostesses arrange chairs a slight distance from the table. It is more graceful and makes the matter of seating guests an easier affair. It is allowable to place the bread and butter on the plates except at dinners, when it should be passed as needed. Or a crisp dinner roll may be folded in the dinner napkin. The host should allow all guests to precede him from the dining room. The careful and thoughtful hostess will inform her guests, in an unobtrusive manner, whether or not the dinner is to be formal or the reverse. 

Since a dinner invitation is the highest compliment that can be paid a guest, it is the guest’s duty to repay the hostess by proper dressing for the occasion and assist in making things go smoothly. Whenever there is any doubt as to the best way to do a thing, it is wise to follow that which is the most natural, and that will almost invariably be proper etiquette. To be at ease is a great big step toward enjoying your own dinner, and making yourself agreeable to the company. Finally, when rising from your chair at table, leave it where it stands. This trifling data sounds absurdly simple, doesn’t it? Yet a review is bound to suggest some point or another that you may have forgotten.– Florence Austin Chase, 1928

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Failing Graden Party Etiquette

Some of the guests at the tea remembered the duty they owed their hostesses. They knew enough to step up at the end of the party and express their appreciation of the afternoon. Some guests were so rude that they just walked away with never a “thank you” nor “good-bye.” 

The trustees and the school board were giving a garden party for the graduating class. On the lawn in the school yard a large umbrella had been erected and under it was placed the tea table. It held the punch bowl and the urn with the hot tea. Most of the faculty wives took tea, but the graduating class all gravitated to the punch bowl. 

On another table were plates of sandwiches. Little pennants, painted in the class colors, were put on skewers and inserted in a pile of sandwiches and bore the name of the sandwich on the plate. It was easy to choose the minced ham or the cool green cucumber or the orange marmalade, because the name was right there. In addition there were salted nuts and small hard candies, no bonbons and no cakes.

Some of the guests at the tea remembered the duty they owed their hostesses. They knew enough to step up at the end of the party and express their appreciation of the afternoon. Some guests were so rude that they just walked away with never a “thank you” nor “good-bye.” The faculty decided that a course in etiquette would be a most desirable one to have in the curriculum next year. 

There was no entertainment planned for this garden party. The guests strolled here and there saying those usual nothings which parting classmates find to say one to another. Had it rained the faculty were prepared to set up the tea tables in the gymnasium. If that were necessary they planned to have the orchestra play for dancing. But the weather was with them and the party was a great success. – “Nancy Page” for San Pedro Pilot, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Holiday Etiquette and Privacy

When visiting this holiday season, remember some basic rules of etiquette. Respect closed doors, and don’t eavesdrop or pry into the personal belongings of others.

Privacy Vital To Everyone

“The world is too much with us,” grumbled Wordsworth 150 years ago. You can imagine how the poet would feel today, with Science bringing outer space into our very living rooms. Today's world, in fact, is more ‘with us’ in every respect. People are more with us. They have more ways to be with us. They can “drop in” by land sea or air – and pay later. They have more time to drop in – the 40-hour week provides loads of it. They have more incentive to drop in – “Togetherness” is extolled from every quarter. The result is an invasion of privacy on a monumental scale. 

While many people invite and enjoy the invasion, respect for privacy is still a cornerstone of etiquette. So don't just walk into a person's house. Knock. Better still, call first. This permits your victims to vamoose gracefully or at least tidy up the place before you arrive. If you walk into a family squabble or find they have guests already, explain you “can't stay but a second” and avoid being a nosy guest. Keep your paws out of desk drawers, medicine cabinets, record collections. Avoid asking the cost of anything. The man with the diamond stickpin may have $30 in the bank, so don't pry into finances. Beware of stirring up conversations with strangers on train, plane or bus. Some people read while traveling, others think long thoughts; neither relishes intrusions. 

Privacy is like love and freedom – it’s unimportant only when you have it. Any man who has lived in an army barracks can vouch for this fact. So will members of large families. As houses become smaller and families bigger (both are present trends), a respect for privacy becomes increasingly important. So don’t read Sister’s love letters. Don’t snoop in Dad’s den. Let Junior retire to his cubicle and mope in peace. Respect closed doors. Don’t eavesdrop or pry in personal belongings. It takes a heap of manners to make a house a home.  –Don Goodwin’s Male Polish, December, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and “Society’s Exquisites”

Going to parties hours after the time named— is only indulged in by those who disregard all considerations  except mistaken ideas of what constitutes “fashion;” but this notion is held by so many, that it has become, as the correspondent says, “an evil almost intolerable by those that give parties.” 

Of Interest to Polite Society

A correspondent of the Buffalo Commercial Advertiser calls that paper’s attention to etiquette at parties

He thinks that something ought to be said to correct the false notion that it is polite to go to a party after 10 o’clock, even when invited for 7 o’clock. He mentions an instance of the inconveniences that arise from which occurred at an elegant party given by a prominent Buffalo citizen the other evening. Specified in the cards of invitation for the party to assemble, was 7 o’clock. The more substantial and considerate portion of the guests paid some attention to the time fixed, and arrive there shortly after the hour designated. Others came two hours after, and some of the “extra exquisite” ones did not arrive until than three hours after they were to be present. 

Our correspondent gives the names of some of our most prominent citizens, who in the spirit of true politeness, arrived a very short time after the hour named by their hosts. He truly asks that when the hour is fixed in the invitation, it is to be presumed that it expresses the wish of the giver of the party, und it is etiquette, therefore, for the invited party to pay some attention to that wish, they propone to avail themselves of the hospitality. The contrary practice— that of going to parties hours after the time named— is only indulged in by those who disregard all considerations  except mistaken ideas of what constitutes “fashion;” but this notion is held by so many, that it has become, as the correspondent says, “an evil almost intolerable by those that give parties.” – “Ladies’ Gossip” in the Daly Alta, 1867

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pushy Tourists

Seriously?!? – Among the many applicants for admission to Marlborough House, none showed greater disappointment than 3 women from Washington. They had a fully authenticated permit, but they arrived at 8:30 in the morning. Their pass distinctly stated that the Palace was open to visitors only between 3 and 6 in the afternoon, but they implored the official in charge to let them see the children of the Prince and Princess, declaring they had come all the way from the United States with that special object. They were told it was “contrary to etiquette to allow strangers to see the children in the absence of the Prince and Princess, or without their authority.”

Poorly Mannered, but Well-Moneyed Americans, are Interested in Palaces – American Visitors Have New Fad – “Yankee” Tourists Invade Royal Residences in Droves – Admitted Freely by King's Sanction, but Detectives Watch Them

Special Cable to The Call

LONDON. Sept 2.— Never within the memory of some of the royal servants have Americans shown such an interest in the Royal Palaces of England as they have this summer. The average of nine to ten parties which used to go through Buckingham Palace and Marlborough House a few seasons ago, has increased this year to forty or thereabouts, with the result that an extra staff of attendants and guides had to be employed. Marlborough House appears to have had greater attraction for visitors than even Buckingham Palace, especially with women, who all want to see the children of the Prince and Princess of Wales. What surprised the household servants most, was that nearly every party came around with an official document authorizing admission. In every instance these were signed by the Lord Chamberlain or by Sir Dighton Probyn; the keeper of the Prince of Wales’ privy purse. 

There were so many Americans, disappointed last year, that at the beginning of the present season both the King and the Prince of Wales gave instructions that no unnecessary obstacles should be placed in the way of Americans desiring to see the Palaces, but it may be of interest to those who succeeded in obtaining ready permission to know that an extra staff of special detectives kept them under observation the whole of the time. This precaution was taken in consequence of the presence of three or four men from Chicago, who were doing London, and who were suspected of revolutionary leanings. These men could not be allowed inside the gates of the Palaces under any circumstances, even if they had succeeded in obtaining permits signed by King Edward himself. 

Among the many applicants for admission to Marlborough House, none showed greater disappointment than the three women from Washington who gave their names as Miss Ida Ingersoll, Mrs. Dereham Holtsinger and Mrs. Madeline Kurtz. They were provided with a fully authenticated permit, but they reached Marlborough House at 8:30 in the morning. On being told that their pass distinctly stated that the Palace was open to visitors only between 3 and 6 in the afternoon, they implored the official in charge to let them see the children of the Prince and Princess, declaring they had come all the way from the United States with that special object. They were told it was contrary to etiquette to allow strangers to see the children in the absence of the Prince and Princess, or without their authority. They could not wait for that as they had to leave for Southampton to catch their steamer in a few hours. – San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mega-Yacht Etiquette

From a guest column by Irena Medavoy for The Hollywood Reporter - Irena Medavoy, a Cannes fest regular with producer husband Mike, shares the secret of life aboard the world's most lux (and largest - but really, size doesn't matter) boats.

1. Never Invite Yourself - or Anyone Else 

Boat people are casting a movie — they know who they want on board. After all, cruising waters 24 hours a day, you'd better enjoy the people. Tight quarters make for tighter relationships. And if it doesn't work, you won't be back. On my very first boat trip, there was an Oscar-winning actor who brought his friends - Mike and I went to the side and said to each other, "Oh my God, how could you?" Luckily there was an extra cabin. There are no rules for A-list stars. What's amazing is they turn out to be the most gracious, kind and generous — and grateful.


2. Go with the Flow

Your hosts are the captains of your stay — where you go, what you eat and what you do — so you need to follow the program. Some want to go to Capri and disco and eat at the best restaurants, like Fontanel, which you can only get to by boat. Others want to see nature —places like the Porquerolles in France, where you can swim on deserted beaches and eat lunch served by a crew more beautiful than anyone in Sports Illustrated.


3. Bring Something to the Party — and oh,    Behave! 

Tell stories, be present and suggest interesting people they might like to meet on land. Jet ski, swim, explore, snooze, dance. Be yourself... Just a better-mannered self. I once saw a major singer get his laptop ruined by a drunk club-goer coming to visit the boat and hitting on him. You do not want to walk the plank and be escorted off by security in your black-tie dress and heels.


4. Tip the Crew 

The right amount for you and your family is about $10,000 for a week. You take care of everybody who took care of you. (And by the way, don't take the masseuse or the manicurist away from the owner's time.)


5. Know the Social Media Policy 

The most beautiful boats I have been on, I'll never talk about - the owners are that private. So you don't post it. You don't write about it. And you never say the name of the yacht or your hosts. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site

Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia