Etiquette, Diplomacy and Cads

The dapper, Spencer Eddy, spent 15 years working his way up in the U.S. diplomatic service and was briefly the Minister to Argentina (1908-1909), followed by Romania (1909), when he resigned due to his wife’s poor health. What a pity that in his many lofty positions, he never learned that publicly spreading gossip about others was considered poor manners.
—Public domain photo 

Who is the Real Cad?

That brilliant light of diplomacy, Spencer Eddy, who married a granddaughter of the late Claus Spreckels of San Francisco, is said by the New York Globe to be telling a story of the horrible experience he went through when a San Francisco friend ate peas with his knife at a London dinner. Eddy is a Chicagoan, and his story is amusing to Californians, for when Chicago’s millionaires were still serving head cheese for dessert and pigs-feet for breakfast, Californians were returning from European tours where they were indistinguishable from other civilized beings by their table manners, except that Californians conducted themselves at the table better than the average Europeans. 

No Californian abroad has ever behaved in the way British cads have in this country, and several of the cads had titles, too. Nor does it become a New York paper to discuss crudity of table manners, for the public restaurants there give an opportunity for comparison that puts the average Gothamite in the ultra ill-bred class. Here is another point of view. 

Even if Eddy's San Francisco friend did commit the horrible faux pas of eating peas with his knife, he must have been a decent fellow—too decent to have told tales about Eddy, had Eddy, for example, come to California and made a fool of himself, as many such persons do, in discussing local affairs and history. If Eddy told the story credited to him by the New York Globe, it is Eddy who is the boor and the cad for decrying his guest, and not the mythical San Franciscan. — San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Affectation vs Tact and True Politeness

“It’s not the correct fork which exhibits good manners, but the person eating from the fork.”  

– Maura J. Graber

“Consideration of others is the foundation of all good manners, and the man or woman who lacks that, has mere affectation in the place of tact and true politeness.” –Above- A gilded age, ice cream fork.

The Occult Law of Trifles in Etiquette

One of the want breaches of etiquette of which you may be guilty is to attempt to teach your acquaintances etiquette. If you invite a friend to luncheon at a restaurant for instance, or accept her invitation, you thereby confess that a degree of social equality exists between you and her. And if she eats her oysters with an ordinary fork instead of with the trident that has been specially provided for that purpose it is not within your province to correct her; unless she has previously recognized you as the guardian of her manners. 

If she chooses to convey ice cream to her mouth by means of a spoon instead of a fork, let her do it unmolested. The matter is not of the slightest consequence, and to be in constant fear of transgressing some occult law of etiquette one’s self, or of associating with persons who do so, is to prove one's self not to the manner born and by nature a snob. Even if your country guest eats with her knife in public, you will prove yourself a provincial by paying any attention to it. If it happens to be her custom, to which she has been reared, and if you have a cosmopolitan mind, it will be too insignificant a thing to worry you. However technically perfect your own manners may be, they will exhibit a glaring deficiency if you correct those of other grown persons. 

Besides you are not sure of infallibility, and it is not impossible that you may occasionally rebuke a person who knows even more on the subject than you do and is behaving quite properly in the eyes of the cultivated world. When she eats her cheese with her knife, she is merely following the English habit, and it is quite permissible to take olives, corn, undressed lettuce and lump sugar in the fingers. Again, many of the actions that you consider faulty may be due to the absence of mind engendered by lively conversation, white others are accidents to which anybody is liable. 

Most persons whom one meets socially, have a sufficient knowledge of etiquette to be at home among the people with whom they associate, and that is all that is necessary. A really well bred person never rests her faith on such minute trifles as the angle at which the knife is left or the number of crumbs to be permitted to fall from the piece of bread. Consideration of others is the foundation of all good manners, and the man or woman who lacks that, has mere affectation in the place of tact and true politeness. – Judie Chollet, Wilmington Morning Star, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Regrets and Rudeness

“You can only imagine what a shock and damper hilarity would receive at a dinner table arranged for 30 or more, with only four or five present.” 

Dinners and Dinner Etiquette

A certain keen observer of social fads and whims has been lamenting the winter fashion of not sending regrets to an invitation, until the day of the event or the day before. She relates an actual incident which occurred not long ago, when a hostess sent out 25 dinner invitations, and receiving no replies, ordered plates to be served for that number with the necessary preparations. Not until that very day did she receive replies, and, as our critic observed, “You can only imagine what a shock and damper hilarity would receive at a dinner table arranged for 30 or more, with only four or five present.” 

Another common breach of etiquette which one entertaining much deplores is the easy familiarity with which many try to squeeze in a friend or relative. It is an actual fact that one who had set the utmost limit to the number she could accommodate at an afternoon affair was completely nonplused to find that many of the replies proposed bringing a friend, with the apology, “I know you won't mind.” This would not matter at a large reception, but at many other social affairs, even one extra is a serious disadvantage.—London Standard, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Chivalry Breached

It’s such a shame that cads often arrive in nice packaging. – 

“Is their chivalry toward woman a loose garment for occasional wear?”

Masculine "Chivalry?" Hardly!

Three cases of social decorum have recently been recorded in the news columns, which, because of their similar nature and their similarity in offensiveness, merit attention together: 

• At Bayside, a clubman passing the night at a friend's house sought to enter the room of a young girl. The household was awakened by the girl's cries and the intruder expelled from the premises and disgraced so far as the publicity of his expulsion can disgrace him. 
• At Cape May a number of young men, "at least one of them belonging to a prominent Philadelphia family," invaded the home of George G. Browning in his absence, and insulted his wife and daughters. 
• At Bar Harbor a lieutenant in the United States Navy, making a call on a young widow, conducted himself in such a manner that his behavior is now the subject of a Court of Inquiry. 

In each of these breaches of decorum the offender, it will be observed, was a man of social standing. What is the explanation of the laxity of morals shown? Is the summer time at the seashore a period of license, or does it happen that some of our "gentlemen" are so only in the outward veneer of good manners? Is their chivalry toward woman a loose garment for occasional wear? These three offenses of almost simultaneous occurrence are very painful to record.—New York Evening World, 1903

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Presidential Etiquette and Politics

Some men do not seem to consider that the President's Cabinet is his family, just as a general officer's staff is his military family – Oregon’s Cape Kiwanda... A gorgeously stunning beach, where “Pacific Slopers” can contemplate Washington D.C.’s Presidential etiquette. Or not.

Senator Williams, of Oregon, may well exclaim " Save me from my friends!" Well meaning friends they were, to be sure; but when they went in procession and asked President Grant to put the Senator into his Cabinet, they unintentionally committed a breach of etiquette, incurred the Preidential displeasure and thereby jeoparded whatever chances the distinguished Oregonian had for a seat in the Executive councils. 

Some men do not seem to consider that the President's Cabinet is his family, just as a general officer's staff is his military family; so, when the luckless Pacific-Slopers bolted into the private family sitting-room (so to speak), of the President, and asked that their friend be adopted into the domesticity thereof, they were guilty of an enormous breach of decorum, and unwittingly invited the severe snubbing they received. The President ought, however, to consider that the breezy manners of "the Pacific Slope" are not specially refining, and that the backwoods and the sage-brush may turn out very skillful politicians, but not men who are au fait in all the "social amenities." – Daily Alta, 1871

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Austrian Kitchen Etiquette

One of the most famous Viennese culinary specialties, Sachertorte is a specific type of chocolate cake, or torte, invented by Austrian Franz Sacher in 1832 for Prince Wenzel von Metternich in Vienna, Austria.

According to the Motel Mail, every Lady of station in Austria knows how to cook. They do not learn the art at regular cooking clubs or at home, but they go to the house of a Prince, or a rich banker, where there is a famous Chef, and learn from him.

When a Chef engages to cook for any one he reserves the right to receive and instruct as many young ladies as be pleases​. When a banquet is to be given he notifies his pupils, and they come to watch the process, without necessarily knowing the Mistress of the house. At this time it would be a great breach of etiquette for any member of the family to trespass upon the Cook and his department. — Los Angeles Herald, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Millionaire's Etiquette Breach

After his breach of court etiquette, Vanderbilt went on to fight in WWI and was highly decorated for his efforts. After the war, he and his wife frequently returned to Europe, becoming friends and guests of numerous members of European royalty including former Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, and his brother, Prince Henry of Prussia, King Albert I of Belgium, Crown Prince Olav of Norway, Queen Marie of Romania, Reza Pahlavi of Iran, and the British monarchy.

Vanderbilt in Court —Had to Uncross His Legs
******************

Millionaire Reprimanded for Etiquette Breach 

New York, April 1 —Cornelius Vanderbilt was in Justice Goff's court yesterday, waiting to be called as a witness in the case of his banker friend, James F.D. Lanier who was, sued for running down a girl while in his auto with Vanderbilt. 

The latter, unmindful of William M. Brady's recent experience, crossed his legs. Justice Goff, who is a stickler for court etiquette, promptly ordered him to uncross them. Vanderbilt complied as gracefully as possible. — San Francisco Call, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Gentleman's Etiquette Views

Frederick Townsend Martin was a New York City writer and advocate for the poor, circa 1900

Frederick Townsend Martin on Etiquette

TALKING —  “Thoughtlessness makes the boy forget the cigarette between his lips when speaking to a woman.” “The laxity of manners displayed when greeting acquaintances is greatly to be deplored.” “Good manners take time, and many people feel that they haven't the time to spare.” “There is a sort of epidemic of bad manners among the same class all over the world.” 

MEETING —  "Perhaps it is the prevailing hurry in which we all live that makes men tip their hats instead of lifting them.” “Hurry and thoughtlessness are the cause of most breaches of etiquette which make up the sum of our bad manners.” “Men no longer salute women except in a casual sort of way, as if it were too much of an effort.” “Few women know how to bow gracefully, yet formally. They give a curt little nod.”

WALKING —  “It is seldom nowadays that you see a couple walking together correctly.” “Generally the young man is holding on to one of his companion’s elbows, or one is striding ahead of the other,” “There are, however, always a few who belong to the ‘old school’ no matter what the fashion is.”

ALIGHTING —  “In a desire to hasten her steps the escort yanks his companion off the car, greatly to her discomfort.” “At the club I frequently hear the older men complaining of the lack of manners of the younger generation.” "It seems to be the fashion to have bad manners just now, just as at other periods it was the thing to have the most perfect and exquisite manners possible.” — Los Angeles Herald, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Veep Breached Canadian Etiquette

Vice President to Theodore Roosevelt, Charles W. Fairbanks “Failed to Observe the Proprieties” while on official visit to Canada, upon the Quebec “ter-centennial” or “tricentennial.”

English Woman Says Vice President Fairbanks Did Not Conform to Etiquette

Vice President Fairbanks, according to a prominent English woman who has written to a friend in St. Louis, made the French and English Canadians furious by his failure to observe the "proprieties" at the ter-centennial festivities at Quebec.


The Vice President is accused of standing up, in his carriage and making speeches "to the crowd" as he drove along the street, of standing ahead of the host in the "receiving line" at the garden-party and with quarreling with the mayor of the city, all of which. according; to reports have not "tended to increase the friendly relations between Canada and the United States."


The writer of the letter went from England to Quebec to attend the ceremonies. On account of her prominence, she was in a position to observe the Vice President's movements and therefore the effect they had on the English and French Canadians.


It is said that Canadian officials managed, to keep Vice President Fairbanks' breaches of official etiquette out of the Canadian. newspapers. The French and English Canadians, as a rule, are at "daggers'-polnts" on most questions, but they seem to be agreed that the Vice President assumed a position far beyond his official importance at the festivities. As Fairbanks was generally regarded as the official representative of the United States, the offense is considered all the more serious. —St. Louis, Missouri, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

8 Etiquette Breaches Around the World

1. Ben Affleck in a Breach of Yemeni Etiquette 

The sole cause of Ben Affleck's breach of etiquette? His soles.

Ben Affleck was in hot water during his visit to the Persian Gulf in 2004, after shocking a Yemeni prince. The actor had been briefed about local customs but in a moment of tiredness he forgot about etiquette and showed the soles of his shoes. The infringement of Middle Eastern manners earned him an angry ticking off from a bodyguard. 

Affleck said: “They told me, ‘Don't show the soles of your feet.’ I forgot about that. At one point, I was in one of the Middle Eastern airports, going from one place to another, and I was tired,” he explained. “So I was sitting there, kicking back, and apparently there was some Yemeni prince that came through and this guard literally looks over at me and comes charging over. “I thought I was being terrorized on the spot.” He yelled, ‘What are you doing? Your feet!,’ and then he slaps my feet puts them on the ground.”

2. Nobel Etiquette Breached for Monolingual Mo Yan in 2012

The 57-year-old Mo Yan, was the first Chinese resident to win the prize. Chinese-born Gao Xingjian was honoured in 2000, was not a Chinese citizen.

Nobel organizers made a special exception to stringent seating rules for 2012's gala banquet in Stockholm, allowing literature laureate Mo Yan and his wife sit together because they both only speak Chinese.

Who gets to sit next to one of the princesses usually peaks Swedes' interest. That year, chemistry laureate Brian Kobilka was seated next to Crown Princess Victoria's right, as Mrs Kobilka sat directly opposite the heir to the throne. The Swedish speaker of parliament, Per Westerberg, flanked the crown princess on the left, which he usually does.

Princess Madeleine, was to be responsible for entertaining physiology laureate Shinya Yamanaka and Swedish Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt. The laureate's wife Dr. Yamanaka faced the younger princess.

Princess Madeleine had her brother Prince Carl Philip diagonally across from her. He entertained Dr. Yamanaka and Mrs. Westerberg, a psychiatrist, with Professor Yamanaka facing him.

Seating at the top table strictly follows what is commonly known as the ‘Nobel Order’, which takes into consideration the rank of the members of the royal court and then matches them with the laureates in the order set out in Alfred Nobel's last will and testament.

Nobel mentioned physics first, meaning that the laureates, that year Serge Haroche and David Wineland, and their spouses were clustered around King Carl XVI Gustav and Queen Silvia. The regent is also always seated near the president of the Nobel Foundation and the president's spouse, presently Mr. and Mrs. Storch.

“There is a protocol for the seating, but we can make modifications based on for example language abilities,” Nobel Foundation spokesperson Annika Pontikis told the TT news agency. Literature laureate Mo Yan was thus seated next to his wife Quinlan Du. Married couples are usually never seated next to each other but the Foundation found it apt to make an exception.

“Neither of them speaks anything but Chinese,” said Annika Pontikis. Seemingly to ensure the couple was not linguistically cut off from conversation, the wife of the Chinese Ambassador to Sweden was seated next to Mo Yan. Her husband was, in turn, seated next to her.

The top table takes centre stage in the main hall of Stockholm's 1920's City Hall, considered by many an important example of the National Romantic architecture style.

The Blue Hall, which is not actually blue but has walls of exposed brick soaring more than 20 metres up to the ceiling, is most famous internationally for hosting the Nobel banquet, but hosts many other events including ceremonies for immigrants when they become Swedish citizens.

3. The Emperor's Code: Breach Of Protocol Spurs Debate In Japan

Actor turned lawmaker, Taro Yamamoto, handing a letter to Japan's aging and frail monarch, Emperor Akihito, as Empress Michiko looks on, during the autumn garden party at the Imperial Palace in Tokyo on Oct. 31, 2013

 A staid and unremarkable royal garden party suddenly became the stuff of front-page scandal, when rookie lawmaker and passionate anti-nuclear activist Taro Yamamoto slipped a handwritten letter to Emperor Akihito. The mystified monarch hurriedly passed the epistle to an aide, unread — but the damage was done.

There is no audible reaction on video of the Oct. 31 incident, but the collective public gasp over an unusual breach of conduct was heard nationwide in Japan. The lawmaker's sin, officially, was violating Japan's ban on using the emperor for political gain. But the incident showed lingering sensitivity over the emperor nearly 70 years after the end of World War II. That's when Emperor Akihito's father, Hirohito, renounced his divine status.

Japan's emperor has been a titular head since then, as the U.S. imposed a constitution that proscribed royal participation in the business of ruling. His life is confined to a whirlwind of goodwill trips, photo ops with foreign dignitaries, and attendance at arts events.

Since the aging and frail monarch is constitutionally powerless, the letter incident was widely seen as a pointless and shameless spotlight grab. Yamamoto argued he was only trying to draw imperial attention to the plight of Fukushima, particularly children's exposure to radiation, and workers involved in cleaning up the aftermath of the March 2011 nuclear plant accident.

4. The Ultimate Sucker Punch: A Breach of Boxing Protocol in 1991, Cost “Macho Camacho” a Title

The late-boxer, “Macho Camacho” – The crucial moment in the late-Hector Camacho’s loss of his World Boxing Organization junior-welterweight title against Greg Haugen in 1991, came down to an impromptu decision by the bout’s referee, Carlos Padilla.

 At the start of the 12th and final round, Padilla, a 57-year-old Las Vegas resident, watched and waited for the fighters to touch gloves, as boxing protocol dictates. Camacho extended his gloves but Haugen was disinclined to reciprocate, even when Padilla urged him to. That led Camacho, always an impulsive sort, to throw a punch at Haugen, and Padilla to decide this was a breach of conduct. He instructed the three judges to penalize Camacho a point. 

Delighted, Haugen leaped into the air with a big smile on his face for having suckered Camacho into that gaffe. Had he known just what effect Padilla's decision would have on the outcome, Haugen might have gone into orbit. The 1-point deduction turned out to be pivotal in the final result. 

Two judges, Dalby Shirley and Bill McConkey, scored the bout, 114-112, Shirley for Camacho and McConkey for Haugen. The other judge, Art Lurie, had it 114-113 in Haugen's favor. 

Had Camacho not been penalized the point, Lurie's scorecard would have read, 114-114, and the bout would have been declared a draw, with Camacho retaining his title. But that was not the case, and because of that Camacho lost for the first time in a professional career spanning 40 bouts. 

For the time being at least he also lost a chance for a big-money match with Julio Cesar Chavez, the World Boxing Council-International Boxing Federation junior-welterweight champion.

5. The Breach of Etiquette and Cringeworthy "Selfie," Witnessed by the World, at Nelson Mandela's Memorial Service

Etiquipedia cannot think of a better caption than the one penned by Seema Goswami

People around the globe gasped collectively at the sight of  Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt, US President Barack Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron clicking a "selfie," not at Disneyland, but at the memorial of the late, great South African leader, Nelson Mandela. "The three world leaders, grinning cheesily into the camera, craned their necks together to get into the frame, oblivious to the thunder-faced Michelle Obama who looked pointedly away." wrote one Hindustand Times columnist, Seema Goswami.

Memorial services and funerals are to remember and honor a life lived. They are definitely not the proper forum for taking "selfies," especially on the world stage.  This almost makes one forget this same U.S. President's breach of etiquette in skipping the funeral of Polish President Lech Kaczynski to go golfing. Almost.

6. Route 40 in the State of Maryland: Breaches of Diplomatic Etiquette and Protocol Cause of International Crises 

Route 40 played a role in the passage of the Civil Rights Act

Diplomats from newly independent African nations suffered a series of indignities during the 1950s and early 1960s, traveling through a segregated State of Maryland, on their way from the United Nations to the White House. Newspapers in their respective home countries, railed against American racism whenever a diplomat was ejected from a “whites only” establishment. 

The State Department eventually was forced to establish an agency just to deal with the discrimination against black diplomats, things had gotten so out of hand. The Kennedy administration officials argued that ending segregation was vital to winning the Cold War. Many believe this ultimately helped pass the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

7. The Man Dubbed “The Lizard of Oz” After a Breach of Royal Etiquette, and Those Who Have Followed in His Footsteps

Well at least he didn't hug her.

In 1992 Paul Keating was given the nickname of 'Lizard of Oz' after he touched the Queen's lower back with his arm as he guided her through a crowd of people.  In 2000 another Australian premier, John Howard, denied touching the monarch as he introduced her to MPs at a VIP reception. 

In 2010, the Queen visited Canada. A racehorse owner, Don Romero, put his hand on her back as she presented a trophy to the owner of the winning horse at the Queen's Plate Stakes in Toronto. This breach of royal etiquette was swiftly corrected, however, by his jockey, of all people. Jockey Eurico Da Silva, showed some real panache and executed two bows so low that his head was level with the Queen's waist.

8. Republic of China's Vice President Wu, Breaches Religious Protocol at the Vatican

Vice President Wu Den-yih, 5th right, is pictured with a group of guests that Wu invited for lunch during his visit to the Vatican City, in May of 2014.

According to the Taipei Times, Vice President Wu Den-yih (吳敦義) was seen partaking in the Sacrament of the Eucharist, which should only be done by baptized Catholics. 

In a letter to the Liberty Times (a sister newspaper of the Taipei Times), a reader surnamed Tung (董) criticized the vice president over what he said was ignorant and imprudent conduct by partaking in the Eucharist. 

“Wu is not a Catholic, but during the ritual he ingested the Eucharist offering of bread and wine. This is very improper conduct. His behavior was disrespectful to the diplomatic relationship between Taiwan and the Vatican,” Tung wrote. “In the future, when the president or the vice president attend an important international event, they should put more effort into learning proper protocol and etiquette. This can prevent them from becoming a laughingstock in the international community,” Tung said. 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia