More Faux Dining Signals

Playing with one’s utensils? That was never allowed and one presumably doing so at the Victorian or Gilded Age table would be reprimanded or shown their way to the door. Doing so now? Please don’t! —I’ve read and seen videos online with people whimsically suggesting it would be fun to bring back some of the 18th or 19th century “secret signals” used by people in love. Those signals for someone one fancied are sadly all fake, however. — “The fan language — and other, similar codes like the language of the handkerchief and the language of the parasol— were largely the result of advertising campaigns meant to popularize and sell accessories. There is little evidence that the fan language was ever in widespread use, though the concept was satirized by several writers in the 18th and 19th centuries. Besides being rather impractical, fan codes were a bit dangerous; an unconscious fidget or desire to actually fan herself could embroil a lady in a totally unintentional feud— or marriage. Not to mention the consequences if the matron acting as chaperone to a courting couple had, a few years earlier, employed the fan language to win her own husband!” -Esti Brennan, Clements Library Chronicles

Supposed Victorian Dining Table Signaling

Below: Each faux signal and what it supposedly meant.

• Drawing a napkin or handkerchief through the hand — I desire to converse by signal with you. 

• Holding napkin by the corners — Is it agreeable to you? 

• Playing with fork — I have something to tell you. 

• Holding up the knife and fork in each hand — When can I see you? 

• Laying both together left of the plate — After the meal. 

• Clenching right hand on table — To-night. 

• Napkin held with three fingers — Yes. 

• Napkin held with two fingers — No. 

• Holding napkin to chin with forefinger to mouth — Cease signaling. 

• Standing knife and fork thus leaning them in an inverted V  — Can I meet you?  

• Balancing fork on edge of cup — Are you engaged to-night?  

• Striking fork with knife — I shall go out. 

• Balancing fork on knife — Meet me. 

• Placing knife over the glass — Will you be alone? 

• Stirring spoon in cup slowly — Will you be late? 

• Slapping the ear, as if brushing away a fly — I don't understand.

More recent faux table signals above. — Only the “paused” and “finished” positions are proper signals, however they are for the wait staff, not someone you fancy. Those crossed out are not only made up, they are against good manners and should never be used. They make it difficult to remove the plate and utensils efficiently and without a lot of noise. Even the “excellent” signal shouldn’t be used, because one should personally give that message to the chef or cook and not supposedly leave it on a plate which will shortly be cleaned off in the kitchen. — By Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Picks at Toothpick Use

A Pick at Toothpicks and a few General Remarks on Picking Teeth 

“Some to conceit alone their taste confine,” and some— too many, by far— confine their conceit in taste to chewing toothpicks —a very bad habit, execrable, indeed, and inexcusable. 

A good daily newspaper authority tells us that three billions of wood toothpicks are made in this country, but there is no known authority for enumerating the number of people who turn their mouths into pulp mills by reducing wooden toothpicks into fibrous splinters, damaging to the gums and throat, to say nothing of the disgusting offensiveness, when mixed with saliva, in the process of expectoration.

The writer hereof is cognizant of a case of serious damage to teeth arising from a confirmed habit of chewing toothpicks. The teeth of the victim had become so seriously affected as to call for the services of a dentist frequently, but without avail. No permanent remedy could for a long time be found. 

At last a Hartford, Ct., dentist, who made a specialty of a peculiar branch of the dental profession, was enabled to give relief and remedy. His methods, however, were harsh and prostrated temporarily the nervous system of nearly all his patients who passed through the fiery ordeal. 

The gums were loosened and the roots of the teeth laid bare. By the aid of an exceedingly delicate instrument the teeth were scraped and cleaned of an accumulated bone fungus, after which the gums were again drawn back to their accustomed place. The disease for which this treatment was had was pronounced to have been caused by chewing toothpicks made from wood highly charged with a solution of an acidulated nature. 

Toothpicks are at once a convenience, a comfort, a necessity— so convenient, indeed, that the repulsive habit of chewing them, not only at meal time, but “between meals,” not only in private, but “before folks” as well, has grown upon us unawares. 

Toothpicks, as toothpicks, are all right, but the general habit of chewing them is all wrong. They should never be used or held in the mouth at table, or while conversing with any one, either at or away from the table. 

A forcible writer in the Boston Daily Advertiser says: “Every civilized man, woman and child has the right to use a toothpick, but they have no right to use toothpicks to the discomfort of others.” And to fine organizations the visible use of a toothpick is a source of disgust. A man who uses a toothpick in public shows either that he is not aware of the annoyance he gives to others, or he defies good manners, and prefers to be set down as indelicate and gross.” 

And again: “The truth is the associations of a toothpick are necessarily indelicate, for the toothpick reminds one of bad teeth or food particles held in the wrong place.” The toothpick is, therefore, a toilet article, and ranks with the tooth brush, the nail-cleaner and the ear-spoon. 

These articles have to be used, but not in public. Every hand is marred by unclean finger nails, but the nails ought not to be cleaned in public; nor should the teeth be brushed in public. In hotel lobbies there are always men —not really gentlemen— and, alas! occasionally women, with a toothpick in their mouth. Quite likely these same people eat with their knives and cut their finger nails at the dinner table.”

Toothpicks should never be kept upon a table where meals are served. There should be a convenient place near at hand where one can be conveniently taken in passing out of the room after meals. They should then be used as quietly and privately as possible, and when used, religiously thrown away. 

Good shaping of the “human face divine,” good manners, good taste and good health forbid the touching, tasting or handling of toothpicks as an article of diet, or as a sweet morsel of wood pulp to roll over or under the tongue. Tobacco chewing is vile, unanimously so pronounced, and toothpick chewing is villainous, whether the verdict against it be unanimous or not. “Chaw-ing gum” is decidedly neater and preferable.

Wood toothpicks “chewed,” or carelessly or unduly used, are unquestionably a source of damage to the teeth, the throat and the stomach, and a squeaking quill toothpick so held in the mouth that the squeak may be heard, or the “mouthings” seen by others, is too sickening a subject to pursue in detail with any degree of complacency. If the present growing custom must be continued, let us, by all means, have treatises on “How to Chew Toothpicks,” and teachers of the art, so that we may chew them gracefully at least. Chewing toothpicks! Picking the teeth publicly! Faugh! —Mary Methodical, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the “Indelicate”

If we go farther back toward the dining table, we shall find that the disgusting habit grows even more pronounced, and that the table itself is often a witness of the indelicate proceeding. — A trio of antique toothpicks from the 18th and 19th centuries, from the book, “What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

The Fall of the Toothpick

If there is one thing more than another which needs correction, in the ranks of what pass for cultivated people, it is the prominence of the toothpick. No sight is more common, about the dinner hour, than to see knots of men gathered in front of hotels and boarding houses, standing on street corners, riding in public conveyances or else where, with a toothpick ostentatiously protruding from the mouth, or with the said wooden splinter in diligent use as an excavator. If we go farther back toward the dining table, we shall find that the disgusting habit grows even more pronounced, and that the table itself is often a witness of the indelicate proceeding.

It is a matter of congratulation, therefore, that a better habit is asserting itself, in witness of which the following extract from a hotel journal may be quoted: “The practice of serving toothpicks, as a course, is no longer observed in polite society. Neither are they used as a sideboard decoration and a centerpiece for the table. Neither are they served along with after-dinner coffee, and it is not polite to pick the teeth at table; it is rather the act of a scavenger, even if the face and mouth are covered by a napkin, as some people. seem to think is correct. Really refined people suffer pain rather than to pick their teeth at the table. A person might as well brush the teeth at a meal, and it would be quite as agreeable a diversion. 

“The toothpick is properly an article of toilet and for the bathroom and the dressing room, and not for the dining-room. People do not clean their nails at the table, which would be far more preferable than the opening of cavernous, mouths. The time has really come when something should be said about this disgusting toothpick fad. Better go to the dentist and have the holes plugged up with gold and cement, instead of prying meat out with a toothpick. The whole thing is pandering to a low taste instead of a high one, and it is high time that it ceased to be a custom, or to be tolerated as such.”— Original in Good Housekeeping, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Travel and a Toothpick Faux Pas

A trio of antique toothpicks– “Three 18th to 19th century toothpicks, including a late-Georgian or early Regency era toothpick, that retracts back into itself― A toothpick is something that should NEVER be seen at a beautifully set table, yet worldwide, toothpicks are more commonplace on dining tables than one might believe. Culturally, they are accepted in some areas as long as one covers his or her mouth while picking the teeth. But this only leads someone to imagine what’s going on behind that hand. We’re all for good dental hygiene, but please... not at the dining table.” And may we add, not in the jewelry shop?!? – Image and text from the book, What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond... 
by Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

A Visit to London and a Little Lesson In Etiquette

“I ran over for a short visit to London,” said a globe trotter. “On the boat was a pretty widow from Altona who disgusted and amused all hands one day by saying: ‘I am surprised that a fast and expensive boat like this should fail to supply us with toothpicks.’ “She thought toothpicks indispensable, like napkins or forks. For thinking so we set her down as a hecker. But wait…

“I dined during my visit in London at Prince’s, in Piccadilly, and at the Savoy, in the room that overlooks the embankment and the river, and at the Carlton, where I paid a dollar for a plate of soup, and at all these restaurants, which are admittedly the finest and the smartest and the most fashionable in the world. At all of them there were toothpicks on the table, each toothpick done up in a sterilized envelope.

“This taught me a lesson. It taught me that it is narrow and provincial to despise people for their disregard of certain small rules of etiquette. The things we despise them for, which may be glaring errors in Seattle or New York, may be again, as like as not, the correct thing in Paris and London.” –New York Press, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia