Etiquette and “A Rule of 3”

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“A Rule of Three” goes hand-in-hand with building a stronger sense of purpose, fostering a healthy self-esteem and creating a wonderful role model for others. All of which also help one in the refinement of social graces and the skills to interact comfortably in all situations.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Refined Men

The Knights of the Urn

Called “fops” or “metrosexuals” by many in other eras, and counterparts to the masculine, female “mashers,” the accomplished, “sissy” men are geniuses at entertaining, with doylies, china and velvet rugs. Is it any surprise that these geniuses exist? Not to Etiquipedia... Throughout time, the most coveted valets and butlers, famous chefs, fashion icons, noted artists and designers have been men!

“As a contrast to the masculine girl and her swagger, it might be pertinent to present the ‘sissy man’ and his affectations. You see this rare exotic in full bloom at those essentially feminine ceremonies known as five-o’clock teas, where nothing sweetened and tied up with a bow furnishes the repast, where soft light filters through rose-hued shades over fair faces and aestheticism revels in daintiness galore. The ‘sissy man’ has his prototype in Paris and in London, and one of his chief characteristics is his devotion to the married women, particularly if she has a monster of a husband that can’t understand Browning and had rather shovel coal than read Rossetti. The ‘sissy’ makes it a point to calmly ignore the husband, who would kick him out for his impertinence only that he knows what a harmless little lamb he is and thinks it would be needlessly cruel. 

He knows, according to the New York Sun, more about the code of candy giving and the etiquette of flowers than he does about the constitution of the United States. He has his sweet apartments, where the foot sinks noiselessly into velvet rugs and the walls are draped with sigh-away tints and hung with Pre-Raphaelite etchings. He gives his dear little teas, where the china is exquisite, the appointments elaborate and beautiful. He is up on doylies, and knows all about linen and silver. He persuades his married divinity to preside at the urn and gives himself up to the perfect ecstasy of adoring and serving her. 

We dare say, Carson the Butler would approve! Above- Chocolate spoons in ramekins awaiting pots de crème or chocolate soufflés. Indeed, due to their size and shape, chocolate spoons would just not do for teacups and saucers! – A nice old lady who was invited to one of these teas, went early because she thought the poor fellow wouldn’t have enough spoons and napkins, but looked on in amazement while the host made delicious cream things in a silver chafing dish and apologized for the stupidity of his servant, who gave someone a chocolate spoon with a teacup!

A nice old lady who was invited to one of these teas, and went early because she thought the poor fellow wouldn’t have enough spoons and napkins, or think to dust the glassware, and would be terribly upset and frustrated, looked on in amazement while the host made delicious cream things in a silver chafing dish and apologized for the stupidity of his servant, who gave someone a chocolate spoon with a teacup. And when he began telling how he had a dinner served for four every night, whether he invited any guests or not, and that there was the same order of service and quite as elaborate a menu when he dined quite alone, as when his most honored guests were at the feast, because that was the proper way to train servants and manage a household. ” – Daly Alta, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Refinement

Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget.

Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with like courtesy.

Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in stereotyped and hollow phrases.

The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not, however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly relative.

Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.

The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a matter of no particular concern as to deportment. Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you, without slamming.

Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return. Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may trouble others in passing by.

When several people enter a room in a private house where you are sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he is seated.

The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where others are assembled gives the salutation first. "Good morning" is the appropriate greeting 'til noon. "Good afternoon" and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day. "Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of farewell. – Edith Ordway

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia