Etiquette and Equality

New Zealand Suffragette Political Cartoon from late 1800s 

EQUALITY 

In the qualified sense which no doubt Mr. Jefferson affixed to the term in his own mind, “all men are created free and equal.” The “noble Oracle” himself had long before as explicitly asserted the natural equality of man. In 1739, thirty-seven years before the Declaration of Independence was penned, Lord Chesterfield wrote: “We are of the same species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which arises from fortune. For example, your footman and Lizette would be your equals were they as rich as you. Being poor, they are obliged to serve you. Therefore you must not add to their misfortune by insulting or ill- treating them. A good heart never reminds people of their misfortune, but endeavors to alleviate, or, if possible, to make them forget it.”

The writer in Life Illustrated, quoted in a previous chapter, states the case very clearly as follows: “It is in the sacredness of their rights that men are equal. The smallest injustice done to the smallest man on earth is an offense against all men; an offense which all men have a personal and equal interest in avenging. If John Smith picks my pocket, the cause in court is correctly entitled, ‘The PEOPLE versus John Smith.’ The whole State of New York has taken up my quarrel with John, and arrays itself against John in awful majesty; because the pockets, the interests, the rights of a man are infinitely, and therefore equally, sacred. 

“The conviction of this truth is the beginning and basis of the science of republican etiquette, which acknowledges no artificial distinctions. Its leading principle is, that courtesy is due to all men from all men; from the servant to the served; from the served to the servant; and from both for precisely the same reason, namely, because both are human beings and fellow-citizens!”

From the book by Samuel R. Wells, “How to Behave, A Pocket Guide to Republican Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits,” 1856

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Tyranny of Etiquette

She was known for her tyrannical views of etiquette…  

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Anne d’Arpajon, the Comtesse de Noailles (Anne Claude Louise d'Arpajon), was a French noblewoman and Versailles court official. She served as the Dame d’Honneur for two French Queens, the young, Marie Antoinette and her predecessor, Marie Leszczyńska. Dubbed “Madame Etiquette” due to her insistence that not even the smallest minutia of Versailles court etiquette ever be ignored nor altered, she was a continual irritant to Marie Antoinette.— Public domain image of “The Lady with the Mask” aka “Madame Etiquette,” by Louis Surugue, 1746

It is impossible to read even the least dogmatic books on etiquette without being oppressed with the conviction that a heavy and binding addition has been made to the code of morals in the by-laws which have to do with visiting cards, invitations, conventional phrases and other minor but vigorous formulas. It has been reiterated by writers on these subjects that not a single rule of etiquette is arbitrary, but that all prove their reason in the very nature of things, and that those who disregard them simply show their own lack of insight and incapacity to appreciate genuine refinement.

While this is all very well for society people pure and simple or those who have other definite and absorbing work in life compliance with all the thousand and one trifling points of etiquette is an utter impossibility. The question then becomes, “Shall such persons be excluded from society or be allowed to enter it on their own terms?” Society might be so conducted as to make of it a charming and delightful recreation instead of a tyrannical business, and those who see this clearly can do much toward making it so.– Philadelphia Press, 1854

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Dinner Etiquette, Pt. 1

Don’t make these mistakes as illustrated above! — And…
“Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.”

Be punctual when there is eating to be done. The dinner must not be served until every guest has arrived. Who would dare to face a dozen hungry men and women, and be responsible for a spoiled dinner? At a party, ball, concert, etc..., punctuality is of less consequence. Arrive at least fifteen minutes before the time; half an hour is better if you have come a distance, and need ablutions or other preparations, for which there should always be provided the necessary facilities.

When the servant announces that dinner is served, the master of the house presents his arm to the lady who, from age or position, is entitled to precedence. As ladies are not always explicit about their ages, and as our aristocratic distinctions are not very well defined, we may have some difficulty in this respect. As the “master of the feast” leads off the “first lady,” he will do well to invite some gentleman to follow him, who will offer his arm to the lady hostess. Each gentleman then attends some lady, and all assemble around the table. If the dining room is on the same floor, give the left arm; if you are to go down stairs, give the lady the wall.

In some cases, the place of each guest is designated by a card, with his or her name written upon it, beside the plate. There is much skill to be displayed in this arrangement. The lady to be particularly honored sits at the right-hand of the host, the gentleman at the left of the hostess. Then ladies and gentlemen are arranged so as to separate married couples as far as possible, of which the extreme example is the host and hostess, who are opposite each other, and so as to place each man between and vis a vis agreeable women.

You are expected to be very attentive to the lady at your right; to pass anything needful to the lady at your left, and to be very amiable to the lady opposite. But as fashionable tables are well provided with servants, a butler to carve, and a waiter behind nearly every chair, there is little labor, and should be no officiousness.

Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any gaucherie whatever. If a grace is to be asked, give it suitable reverence. Quakers, before eating, make a silent pause, for each person to ask his own blessing. When a clergyman is present, it is a kind of professional insult not to invite him to say grace. With many persons, habitually irreligious, some form of this kind is adhered to. It is good manners to pay a certain respect to all customs.

After grace, or when ready for eating, take your napkin from its ring, or your plate, or the goblet, in which it is folded, unfold and lay it in your lap. The waiter will bring a plate of soup first, of course. You will not refuse it. At a table d'hote, you can, of course, decline it, but at a private dinner party you must at least seem to honor it. If you eat it, do so delicately, with the spoon in your right hand, and a piece of bread in your left. Eat it as it is made, without any addition of condiments. A cook once committed suicide from mortification, because his master put some salt in his soup. He could not survive the mortification of such a professional indignity. Of course, he was a Frenchman.

Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.

Next comes fish. This you may dress with the proper condiments. There are catsups and sauces especially adapted to it. But don't presume to use your knife, nor to eat any vegetables with it. Take your fork in your right hand, and your bread in your left. Fish does not require cutting. Where fish is served at a small and informal dinner, or on Friday, as a principal dish, it is another affair. You may eat it with vegetables and use a knife; but when it only forms one of several courses, take a little, as of soup, and but once.

When you lay down your fork on the plate, the waiter removes it, and supplies you with a clean plate.

Unless you are with temperance people, or are yourself pledged to total abstinence, you will probably take wine. At the side of your plate you will find five glasses— a small one for madeira, sherry, etc..., a larger goblet for claret, a green glass for hock or sauterne, a deeper goblet for champagne, and another for water; or, the waiter who asks you what wine you will take, will give you a suitable glass. At first take claret; with the third course you may venture on sauterne or hock; with the game comes sherry, port, etc...; and champagne with the desert. A fashionable lady at Montreal condensed her opinion of the breeding of a fast American she met into a single sentence: “He is the sort of man, to take champagne wine with his soup.”

If you are conscious of being “green,” wait and ripen in the light of good examples around you. At the first part of a dinner there is much eating and little talking. When the appetite is satisfied this is changed. — From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners and Human Rights, Pt. 2

We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

Good Manners Founded on Human Rights and Conformity of Manners

Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality-as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own-perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected— ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality— as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own— perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected-ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in the privacy of her own apartment, is just as much a lady, as sweet, and delicate, and refined, and every way beautiful, as in the parlor where I met her for a morning chat, or in the drawing-room where she is the cynosure of the evening party. Because everywhere the free being acts out his true nature. His life is instinctive and genuine; and his training has perfected his capabilities, so that habit is a second nature, which he does not violate. The true lady or gentleman is so under all circumstances; others act a part, but they must do this, and if from attraction, the true is developed in them, and they become what they wish to be thought, and then aspire to be.

A man wishes to suit his action to the company he is in, or to get out of it as soon as possible. If with noisy people, he too must make a noise, or suffer, or leave. He must be gay with those who laugh; sad with those who weep. A certain conformity of manners and life is necessary to politeness. One does not carry the style and dress of the Fifth avenue into a rustic country house. It would be very snobbish to do so. The dress and manner of a wedding are not suited to a funeral. When the king turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his own custom and all etiquette, because two country ladies did so, whose hospitality he was enjoying, he was more than a king— he was a true gentleman.

This conformity depends upon the law of harmony. Music is the key of social science. If I sing with other persons, I must sing the same tune, in the same pitch, or I am a nuisance. My tune may be better than theirs; I may pitch it to a better key; but if I have come to them, I must con form to their expression until I can bring them to mine, or I must leave them.

It is, in this way that refinement may become a miserable affectation; and a well bred man, in some social spheres, a nuisance in others. We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

The true harmony is that of a man’s own nature. When all his own faculties are in accord, like the strings of a well-tuned harp, he is ready for everything that can contribute to his enjoyment. Such a man, true, self-loyal, tuned up to the concert pitch of his best life, is in harmony with universal nature, fitted to enjoy all melodies in every scale, and unmoved by the vulgar discords around him.

There is thus a higher standard of morals and manners than an observance of the tastes and wishes of those around us. There are rights relative; but there is also a right absolute, or an equilibrium and harmony of rights, which is the true point of dignity and manliness. In the person it is symmetry— in the carriage, ease— in relations, harmony — in results, happiness.— From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners and Human Rights, Pt. 1

Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

Good Manners Founded on Human Rights 

IT is becoming every day more evident, that all real things on this planet are based on certain principles of right or justice, which are adapted to the true nature and proper condition of all men and women. Arbitrary regulations, whether of manners or morals, are of little value, if they are not in accordance with these universal laws. For every possible requirement there must be some good reason. A law that is not founded in the natural principles of justice, is void from the beginning; or becomes of no effect, or obsolete, as soon as the emergency has passed for which it was ordained.

“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,” Mr. Jefferson, are very comprehensive terms; but each includes the others; and each includes all rights. The right to live includes the right to all the conditions necessary to the most perfect development of the being and capabilities. Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

Every faculty and every organ has its own special rights. The right not to be offended— the right to gratification and pleasure. Take the senses, for example. Taste has the right not to be compelled to eat unsavory food; and the right to seek for gustatory enjoyments. The parent who compels a child to eat a piece of fat pork, or any other viand loathsome to its unperverted taste, violates the rights of this sense. It is violated wherever men are deprived of healthy food, and fruits of delightful flavors. The host who provides good food, and the cook who prepares it, exercise the politeness of taste, and satisfy the rights of appetite.

The smell has its rights, but they are everywhere violated. Whoever fills the air I must breathe with unpleasant odors, is guilty of a wrong. If the smell is merely unpleasant, it is an impoliteness; if unwholesome, it is a crime; and, as a general law, unpleasant odors are also unwholesome. Poor nose! Its rights are little recognized. Our streets are filled with nauseous odors; and the personal uncleanliness of many persons is an outrage to this sense. But of this hereafter.

Sight has a right to beauty, symmetry, and elegance of form; harmony of colors; grace of movement, and every pleasing quality. It has a right to fine scenery, noble architecture, elegant furniture and decorations, to exquisite works of art, and to all possible beauty of person, costume, and adornment. Its rights are denied by deprivation of these enjoyments, and it is outraged by every obtrusion of ugliness.

Hearing has the right to sweet and melodious sounds, and the grand harmonies of musical art: it is offended by noise, confusion, and all harsh, dissonant, and repulsive sounds.

If we suffer, it is probably for our own offences; with what justice, then, can we inflict our evils upon others? If you have a heartache, and any one has contracted to give you sympathy, it is your right, perhaps. You need not trouble the whole world. So if you have a toothache, let it be a private matter between yourself and your doctor or dentist. — From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Respect for Religion and Old Age

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Some young people seem to imagine that they are living in the age of Voltaire, and make a merit of skeptical and even atheistical opinions. They laugh at the sacred character of the ministry, and deride what is venerable and sacred. This class is as deserving of contempt, as it is avoided in truly good society. Impiety is no longer fashionable as it was in the days when an atheistical philosopher thought to make laws for the world, and construe liberty into license to outrage every pious instinct.

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Another sin is its want of respect for women and for persons of advanced years. A man of religious feeling holds himself bound to those duties, in respect to old age, that were observed in ancient times. But the young men of whom we have been speaking make a parade of rudeness in the presence of an old man; they pay him no more respect than if he were an unfledged youth of eighteen like themselves; they smoke cigars under his nose; scarcely deign to acknowledge him in the street; and never are willing to remember that their father is or was an old man, and that they will themselves grow old. Such respect neither their parents nor themselves. Diogenes declared himself to be a dog that he might have a right to indulge his cynical disposition. So are these flippant theologians who have sunk to the same level.

One word as to the influence of religion upon the character of the young girl. A religious course of training can alone impart to the feminine character that spirit of yielding gentleness which, in domestic, as in public life, is the basis of politeness. Deprived of these qualities, a woman would be unamiable in the family circle, as well as in the world, where, in spite of her efforts to appear pleasing, her bad education would inevitably display itself. Young ladies of this class, if they do not go the length of impertinence, have a dissatisfied air, and indulge in the habit of criticising every thing with severity. 

If married, they quickly banish peace from the conjugal roof, by their exactions and ill-humor. They are not willing to make a single sacrifice for their husband's happiness; quarrels and oppositions please them, and the gentlest yoke becomes a heavy chain. The husband thus situated may consider himself happy, if his wife will condescend to occupy herself at all with domestic affairs, and things so common as the concerns of the family. 

An irreligious woman is as much to be abhorred as a drunken woman: she is no longer fit to lead in society and to give tone to its morals; she is not fit to be a mother; for her children will surely be reckless and godless; she is not a grace, but a blot on her sex, disliked even by men who profess to no religious conviction.—  From Beadle’s “Dime Book of Practical Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen,” 1859

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Etiquette and Invitations to Entertain

Do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment; there is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes.
– Image from Czerny’s Letters to Young Ladies on Playing the Pianoforte

The Lady at the Piano Forte 

Invitations to sing or play–

Never exhibit any anxiety to sing or to play. You may have a fine voice, have a brilliant instrumental execution, but your friends may by possibility neither admire nor appreciate either.


If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede. If you are a good singer, your prompt compliance will add to the pleasure of your friends, and to their regard; if you are not, the desire to amuse will have been evinced, and will be appreciated.


Kind of songs and style of singing –

Do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment; there is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes.

If you are singing second, do not drag on, nor, as it were, tread upon the heels of your prima; if you do not regard your friend's feelings, have mercy on your own reputation, for nine or ten in every party will think you in the wrong, and those who know you are singing in correct time will believe you ill-natured, or not sufficiently mistress of the song to wait upon your friend.

If playing an accompaniment to a singer, do not forget that your instrument is intended to aid, not to interrupt; that is, to be subordinate to the song.

If nature has not given you a voice, do not attempt to sing, unless you have sufficient taste, knowledge, and judgment, to cover its defects by an accompaniment.

When at concerts, or private parties where music is being performed, never converse, no matter how anxious you may be to do so, or how many persons you may see doing so; and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. – The Lady's Guide to Perfect Gentility, 1856

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Etiquette from 1856

Raising one’s dress… “When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a moment, when the mud is very deep.”

The Lady Abroad

If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet friends or acquaintances whom you do not intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow, or to nod to them every round would be tiresome, and, therefore, improper; do not think they will consider you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any sense at all, they will appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to say to them, join them at once.


Raising the Dress –

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a moment, when the mud is very deep.

Taking Leave –

When walking together, it is proper that the more elderly or more important of the two, should take leave first. A gentleman should never leave a lady till she first takes leave of him. If a gentleman offers to escort you home, you should first say that you wish not to have him go to any trouble, but finish, however, by accepting. 

On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you; you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which is some times indulged in, especially in small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts.

Attentions to Others –

When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop, in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you.

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the gutters, which have become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.

Gait and Carriage –

A lady ought to adopt a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side and on the other, especially in large towns or cities, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. A lady should not present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless she goes there to study, or work as an artist.

Gentlemen’s Attendance –

After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with anyone, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her. But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an obligation, a married lady, well educated, will disregard it if circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a conductor. – The Lady's Guide to Perfect Gentility, 1856

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Etiquette and Holiday Entertainments

"If a lady has set apart a special day for receiving calls, she should have a silk dress for the occasion. The quality may depend on her position. Laces and jewelry may be worn with this dress. A lady who attends to her morning domestic affairs, may receive calls in her morning dress, which must be neat, with white collar and cuffs. Upon receiving New Year’s calls, a lady should be dressed as elegantly as she can afford. If she darkens her parlors and lights the gas, she should be dressed in full evening dress." –Antebellum Styles and Advice on the Etiquette of Dress

“In New York City, where it is the custom for ladies to remain at home to receive the calls of their gentlemen friends, there is not time nor occasion for dinner; should it be desirable, it would be similar to that for Christmas, or instead – a cold roasted turkey (bone it if you can), cold boiled ham or tongue, a large glass salad-bowl of pickled oysters, or an oyster pie with dressed celery or a chicken salad, with jelly puffs and tarts and small mince pies, blanc mange, de russe and jellies and ice cream and fancy cakes, with syrup water and orgeat or lemonade for temperance, or wines and punch. The manner of celebrating New Year’s day by calls, is a peculiarity of our own, and having so few which are 'native here,' many of our wisest and best, have wished that this might in no wise be slighted. Many a feud-divided family have been united, and misunderstanding friends have been brought together, under the all-pervading hospitality and genial influence which distinguishes the day.” –From American System of Cookery, Mrs. T.J. Crowen, 1847

                                                                    

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Evolution of American Etiquette

The early struggle for existence was a great leveler of castes and classes, and everyone worked together for the general good.

During the early colonization (in America) etiquette was negligible, of course. The early struggle for existence was a great leveler of castes and classes, and everyone worked together for the general good. There was a wholesome simplicity, an inspiring generosity, a kindliness and thoughtfulness toward one another.

Before the colonies declared their independence there was an influx of French and other foreign ideas. From France, Italy, Holland, England emanated much that we ourselves are. After the Revolution, peculiarly enough, the social ideas and ideals of the United States were distinctly English. The Colonial style was the English style; the young nation could break away from the power of the older nation, but not from the influence of its manners and customs.

Washington set the pace for diplomatic simplicity in the United States, although there was a certain courtliness. A contemporary of France, visiting the young nation, reports of Washington: "He was as gracious as a king."

During the first hundred years of its existence, United States was the forcing house for the customs, whims, fantasies, fashions of all the world. We imported are customs with her clothes and food-stuffs, although we pride ourselves upon being absolutely free from the Old-World influence.

The Southern colonies, before the Civil War, however, had a certain style and chivalry all their own. There was a careful regard for dress and for table service. The simplest dinner was served faultlessly. Gallants were ready to draw their swords at a moment's notice to protect (or amuse) the ladies of their fancy. All of this chivalry and extreme etiquette appears to have gone out when slavery went out.

The Northern colonists, the New Englanders, were of sterner stuff – truer English than their Southern cousins. Braving the rigors of the northern climate, the Puritans determined to live up to their ideals of independence, simplicity, and freedom. – From Lillian Eichler's, “The Customs of Mankind”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia