Etiquette and "Thinking French"

Manners are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he is advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent.

“Another treatise on savoir-faire defines manners prettily as the 'fusion of the movements of the mind and the heart.' Manners, it goes on, are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he has advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent. There have, of course, been regressions, as when Edward VII made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“But politeness is not restricted to table manners. There is, for instance, the politeness of the bed. On his wedding night, the husband should, like *Renan, 'masturbate in the bathroom so as not to pester his bride.' This mixture of the practical and romantic is the mark of a people who have managed to combine the  unashamed celebration of instinct with a multitude of small, complicated observances.”

Victorian asparagus server ~ It was Edward VII who made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“More than the mechanical practice of etiquette, politeness in its highest form is a state of mind, a path to virtue, a philosophical system which teaches how to cushion the rude shocks of life. It permits, in French society, what Henry James calls 'the inarticulate murmur of urbanity.' At its most refined, it is a cross between Confucian politeness based on mastery over oneself and the maieutic system of Plato, in which ideas are brought out through questioning.  It postulates that the oblique is better than the direct. If someone tells you what you already know, appear grateful. Never say 'you misunderstood me,' but 'I explained myself badly.' 

“When someone asks about your health, it is to be told 'I am well, thank you,' and not to be given a medical bulletin. This was Swann's great mistake. Never praise too highly and never condemn outright. Do not say 'de Gaulle's speech was terrible,' but 'too much had been expected of the speech for it to be anything but disappointing.' The goal of conversation is to sustain a high level of urbanity. It is less important to be good or moral or honest than to be well brought up. This is an attempt to salvage order and cohesion in social relations, and it is also protection against intimacy, for it encourages and maintains a minimal distance even between close friends.”

Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

“The observance of the proprieties forbids the investigation of motives. As Chamfort said: 'I have renounced the friendship of two men; the first because he never spoke to me of himself and the second because he never spoke to me of myself.' This form of courtesy becomes second nature, remembered in the most extreme moments. The Marquis de Montaignac, competing in the first French automobile race, doffed his hat while passing another car near Perigueux, sideswiped it, and landed in a ditch. His dying words: 'I excuse you entirely, you are not to blame, it was I who struck you, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.'

“Modern life seems less and less suited to such exacting standards, and in recent years, France has singled itself out as the country where motorists are most violent to one another. The reverse of politesse is a rudeness that quickly escalates to violence and homicide. The same people who once considered it essential to wear hats so they could doff them, now kill one another over parking space.” — From Sanche de Gramont's, 1969 “The French - Portrait of a People”

*Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Chinese Etiquette and Confucius

“Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.” Confucius 

Confucius has always been, and remains today, China's most famous philosopher. Born June 19th, 551 B.C. at Shang-ping, in the country of Lu. His name was Kong, but his disciples called him Kong-fu-tse, (i.e. Kong the Teacher, or Master). Jesuit missionaries Latinized that into Confucius. His father died when he was only three, so he was very carefully brought up by his mother, Yan-she. He displayed an extraordinary love of learning, and a veneration for the ancient laws of his country, even from an early age. Later, as a government official and through his travels, Confucius witnessed a growing disorder and chaos in the Ancient Chinese system. This was during the Zhou Dynasty. 

Perhaps due to injustices and all of the turmoil, Confucius he set it upon himself to develop a new "moral code" for mankind. This code was based on education, respect, kindness, honesty and strong family bonds. The teachings of Confucius would later became the basis for religious and moral life throughout the whole of China.

The Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial is a Chinese classic text about Zhou Dynasty social behavior and ceremonial ritual as it was practiced and understood during the Spring and Autumn Period. The Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial, along with the Rites of Zhou and the Book of Rites, formed the "Three Rites" which guided traditional Confucian understandings of propriety and behavior.

How important is li (propriety; rites; manner) in Chinese societies/culture?
"Confucius can truly be said to have molded Chinese civilization in general" (Wing-Tsit Chan, 1963:14). (The following translation is from Chan, 1963.)

Analects (Lun Yu) is practically accepted by all scholars are the most reliable source of Confucius' doctrines. The following translation is from D.C. Lau (1979).

On filial piety from Analects: 1:2 Yu Tzu said, "Few of those who are filial sons and respectful brothers will show disrespect to superiors, and there has never been a man who is not disrespectful to superiors and yet creates disorder. A superior man is devoted to the fundamentals (the root). When the root is firmly established, the moral law (Tao) will grow. Filial piety and brotherly respect are the root of humanity (jen)."

1:6 Young men should be filial when at home and respectful to their elders when away from home. They should be earnest and faithful. They should love all extensively and be intimate with men of humanity. When they have any energy to spare after the performance of moral duties, they should use it to study literature and the arts (wen).

1:11 Confucius said, "When a man's father is alive, look at the bent of his will. When his father is dead, look at his conduct. If for the three years [of mourning] he does not change from the way of his father, he may be called filial."

2:5 Meng I Tzu asked about filial piety. Confucius said: "Never disobey." [Later,] when Fan Ch'ih was driving him, Confucius told him, "Meng-sun asked me about filial piety, and I answered him, 'Never disobey.'" Fan Ch'ih said, "What does that mean?" Confucius said, "When parents are alive, serve them according to the rules of propriety. When they die, bury them according to the rules of propriety and sacrifice to them according to the rules of propriety."

2:7 Tzu-yu asked about filial piety. Confucius said, "Filial piety nowadays means to be able to support one's parents. But we support even dogs and horses. If there is no feeling of reverence, wherein lies the difference?"

4:18 Confucius said, "In serving his parents, a son may gently remonstrate with them. When he sees that they are not inclined to listen to him, he should resume an attitude of reverence and not abandon his effort to serve them. He may feel worried, but does not complain."

4:19 Confucius said, "When his parents are alive, a son should not go far abroad; or if he does, he should let them know where he goes."

4:21 Confucius said, "A son should always keep in mind the age of his parents. It is an occasion for joy [that they are enjoying long life] and also an occasion for anxiety [that another year is gone]."


On Ceremonies and Music:

1: Yu Tzu said, "Among the functions of propriety (li) the most valuable is that it establishes harmony. The excellence of the ways of ancient kings consists of this. It is the guiding principle of all things great and small. If things go amiss, and you, understanding harmony, try to achieve it without regulating it by the rules of propriety, they will still go amiss."
2:5 Meng I Tzu asked about filial piety. Confucius said: "Never disobey." [Later,] when Fan Ch'ih was driving him, Confucius told him, "Meng-sun asked me about filial piety, and I answered him, 'Never disobey.'" Fan Ch'ih said, "What does that mean?" Confucius said, "When parents are alive, serve them according to the rules of propriety. When they die, bury them according to the rules of propriety and sacrifice to them according to the rules of propriety."

3:3 Confucius said, "If a man is not humane (jen), what has he to do with ceremonies (li)? If he is not humane, what has he to do with music?"

3:4 Lin Fang asked about the foundation of ceremonies. Confucius said, "An important question indeed! In rituals or ceremonies, be thrifty rather than extravagant, and in funerals, be deeply sorrowful rather than shallow in sentiment."

3:17 Tzu-kung wanted to do away with the sacrificing of a lamb at the ceremony in which the beginning of each month is reported to ancestors. Confucius said, "Tz'u! You love the lamb but I love the ceremony."

3:19 Duke Ting asked how the ruler should employ his ministers and how the ministers should serve their ruler. Confucius said, "A ruler should employ his ministers according to the principle of propriety, and ministers should serve their ruler with loyalty."

6:25 Confucius said, "The superior man extensively studies literature (wen) and restrains himself with the rules of propriety. Thus he will not violate the Way.

8:8 Confucius said, "Let a man be stimulated by poetry, established by the rules of propriety, and perfected by music."

8:9 Confucius said, "The common people may be made to follow it (the Way) but may not be made to understand it."
[Cheng Hsuan said "the common people" refers to ignorant people and Chu Hsi said that ordinary people do things without understanding why.]

From "Rites of Passage in Chinese Society"

Confucius was said to have exceptionally good manners even as a child, and to have been very interested in rules of etiquette throughout his life.

Li is the “appropriate manner of overt behavior needed to express one's inner thoughts or intentions.” Archie J. Bahm on
Confucius and "Li"~

Li is better referred to as politeness and social etiquette rather than religious ritual. Confucius tried to revive past etiquette. People must therefore act consistent, being polite at all times with no deviation or lowering of standards for the sake of fitting in or out of laxity. Confucianism does have some rituals, though people can be both Confucian and of another religion like Buddhism or Taoism, they usually follow the other religion's rituals.

It includes socially proper ways of acting, and also acting toward others in ways such that they will not mistake your intentions. One's outer expression should reflect one's inner nature, or at least one's intention in this situation. This involves a measure of chung, described below. There is considerable subjectivity involved in determining li, but yi, jen, and hsin all require li.

For Confucius, li included proper etiquette or good manners, as agreed on by thee family and community. One who fails to make use of them is more likely to be misunderstood. However, deceivers can also make use of such rules of etiquette, and someone who is taken in by a false use of good etiquette is likely to become mistrustful.

Learning the customary forms of external behavior should not be done blindly, but with an explanation and understanding of their inner significance--why they are important. Formalism occurs when one's external forms do not correctly reveal one's internal attitudes, and this shoud be avoided. But the ideals and principles suggested by Confucius ultimately gave rise to much that is formalistic, and as a result many have forgotten that antiformalism was an important principle in his teachings.

(We may note that Confucius was said to have exceptionally good manners even as a child, and to have been very interested in rules of etiquette throughout his life.)

From Sonoma State University

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J.Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’ and Manners’ —Word Usages and Origins

  “The ancient kings were watchful in regard to the things by which the mind was affected. And so they instituted ceremonies to direct men's aims aright; music to give harmony to their voice; laws to unify their conduct...” Confucius,  on clarifying manners and civility 

Confucius (551/552-479 BC) was a Chinese teacher, philosopher and politician during the so-called Hundred Schools of Thought era.

Manners

The Root of "Manners" is "Hand" — Middle English manere, from Old French maniere, from feminine of manier, handmade, skillful, from Vulgar Latin *manuārius, convenient, handy, from Latin, of the hand, from manus, hand; see man-2 in Indo-European roots. 

That speaks volumes about manners to HAND-le with skill.

From freedictionary.com

Manners

The manner of doing something is via ...

Fr. maniire, from LL. manuarius, be- 
longing to the hand. Manual, both as 
a handbook, and in manual labor, is 
from the same source. Emancipate is a 
bit more roimdabout, dating from the 
days when the parent had power over 
the son: only the head of the family 
could acquire property: L. manceps, 
mancip — , one that acquires property, 
from manu-]rcapere, capt—, to tala by 
hand (whence also capture, captivate, 
etc Captive and caitiff are doublets, 
from L. captivus, from capt — . Captain is 
from quite other source ; see achieve.) : 
ex, out, whence emancipare, emancipat — , 
to take from the property holder. 

From the Dictionary of Word Origins Joseph T. Shipley 1937

et•i•quette (ˈɛt ɪ kɪt, -ˌkɛt) 

noun.

1. conventional requirements as to proper social behavior.

2. a prescribed code of usage in matters of ceremony: court etiquette.

3. the code of ethical behavior among the members of a profession: medical etiquette.

[1740–50; < French étiquette, Middle French estiquette ticket, memorandum, derivative of estiqu(i)er to attach < Germanic]

Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010

 Etiquette- 

 This may have come natural to the ancients, for it is of Teut. origin. (Remember the story of the old man who walked through the crowded Athenian bleachers at a stadium ; when he came to the Spartan section, the men rose as one, to offer him a seat — whereupon the Athenians applauded. When they were still again, a man from Thessaly observed : "The Athenians recognize virtue; the Spartans practice it.") 

From the Dictionary of Word Origins Joseph T. Shipley 1937

Submitted by Demita Usher of Social Graces and Savoir Faire

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia