Etiquette and Good Conversation

The second bit of common sense is to learn when to keep quiet, Brugere said: "It is a sad thing when men have neither the wit to speak well, nor judgment to hold their tongues." There needs to be both give and take in good conversation. Carlyle said it this way: "Speech is great, but silence is greater." Learn to both speak and listen well...

Let's Talk — Rediscover art of good conversation

“Don't be a conversation dropout” is almost a byword. We are encouraged in many ways to rediscover what has almost become a lost art, the rich enjoyment of good. conversation. 

The principle behind good conversation is simple. It is just good manners, or common sense in the consideration of others in the exchange of ideas.

I offer you the following tried and proven ways of enjoying conversation with your fellow mortals:

• First rule is absolute. Do not center your contribution on yourself, your spouse, home or your health. The easiest rock to hit in the stream of good conversation is your own ego. When you are hung up at this level of contribution, the listener is soon bored, and the items of common concerns of objective interest are lost. Items which are objective, such as advances in science, art, vital world events or sports allow rewarding conversation to take place.
• The second bit of common sense is to learn when to keep quiet, Brugere said: "It is a sad thing when men have neither the wit to speak well, nor judgment to hold their tongues." There needs to be both give and take in good conversation. Carlyle said it this way: "Speech is great, but silence is greater." Learn to both speak and listen well... 
• Another undiscovered error that many commit is the conversation stopper "You are wrong!" The results will either be silence, change of subject, or the degeneration into emotion or argument. Certainly there is no exchanging of ideas, much less the fun of minds meeting and exchanging ideas.

The use of phrases such as "I do not agree," or "Let me share how I feel about that," leaves the door open. Giving the other person the respect that there is merit to what he is saying leaves room for both parties to profit. Leave out of your vocabulary door-slamming phrases if you wish to be a conversationalist.

The childish sin of immature conversationalists is that of interrupting. I am sorry that we often see this in its worst form on TV by celebrity panelists who carry the title of expert in their fields. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I can only believe that their idea is so powerful it impels them to share it that instant, and step on someone else's idea, and they cannot help themselves.

But for ordinary mortals, such behavior is a mark of an undisciplined mind and has no business in a mature conversation. It is rude, poor manners and lacks the basic consideration and respect on which intelligent sharing of ideas is based.

While you're listening, learn how to hear the speaker. It will keep you from sitting there glassy-eyed while forming your opening wedge into his stream of thought. When this is the case, you are hearing what he is saying. The reward for listening well may be more than what you may be ready for. People often return the compliment and will listen to you. There is the possibility of a good conversation in the works when this happens.

Listening has another fringe benefit. I listened to a man about his technical subject for an hour, with my posture, hands, eyes as well as my ears. I didn't say more than 10 words. The man later described me to the host as the most interesting conversationalist he had ever met. The next time we met, he asked me about my concerns, and we have had excellent conversations and a good friendship since. Listening is as important as speaking in a conversation.

If you talk well, you have learned how to think well. If you find it hard to contribute to a mature conversation, practice talking to yourself out loud about what you have experienced, felt, read or saw each day. It makes you perceptive, objective and articulate.

Avoid shop talk, to the unfamiliar, and follow your honest curiosity by tossing a bouquet of all bouquets to a speaker, by inquiring further about what he or she is saying. Read outside your field ponder what it means in our fast-moving culture, and you will not be a conversation dropout. I guarantee it. — By Rev. W. Lee Truman, Copley News Service, 1981

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Influential Conversation

When a hostess has paired her guests before a dinner and each man seeks the woman assigned to him he usually says: “I believe that I am to have the pleasure of taking you in to dinner” and she has but to bow and smile while accepting his arm, and may say in a voice of perfunctory politeness: “I am very glad,” or if she wish to be very complimentary may venture “I am fortunate,”

Talk That Influences

It is a form of influence to pass on in conversation whatever one has read or heard that may be helpful and inspiring to others. Many an important resolve taken in the course of one's life has been greatly influenced by what one has heard in a chance conversation.

We may do much in the cause of truth and kindliness without advertising our motive or sounding a trumpet before us. With an art that conceals art we may lead the conversation away from scandal and innuendo into channels pure and peaceable. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh"-therefore the source must be right. Fearlessly but never aggressively should we defend our convictions and "show our colors." Preaching is out of place. Society is not a school, but a playground where people meet to exchange ideas and forget their work and their worries. Most of them have to work hard in some way or other and need relaxation.

The Early Stages of Conversation

The preliminary stages of conversation offer the principal difficulty- “the dread of silence makes us mute.” The weather seems to have perennial interest. Why may not one treasure a few bits of stories apropos of that much-worn topic, to be brought out upon occasion? For instance, someone speaks of the variability of the weather, whereupon one right tell of the lady whose physician advised for her change of climate. “Why, doctor, you forget that I am a New York woman; I never have anything but changes!” was her rejoinder. At least it is better than mere acquiescence, and when people have laughed together the ice is broken. It is possible to have at one's tongue's end some trifling things of interest on various subjects, but the supply needs frequent renewal.

Conversation at Dinners

There are moments when the embarrassment of silence is relieved by the knowledge that nothing but the veriest commonplaces are expected. When a hostess has paired her guests before a dinner and each man seeks the woman assigned to him he usually says: “I believe that I am to have the pleasure of taking you in to dinner” and she has but to bow and smile while accepting his arm, and may say in a voice of perfunctory politeness: “I am very glad,” or if she wish to be very complimentary may venture “I am fortunate,”

It is usually the man who takes the initiative and the woman who bears the burden of the conversation. On the way to the dining room they may improve the occasion or not, as they please. There is sometimes an awkward pause at the beginning of the meal before the company seem to have adapted themselves to their surroundings and to each other. A hostess blessed with tact will know how to set the ball rolling, perhaps with something of interest treasured for the occasion.

Each person at table should endeavor to make himself or herself agreeable to both neighbors, as opportunity serves. General conversation is only who have the reputation of being talkers must be careful not to overshadow others, if they would give pleasure. A fluent talker is apt to be over-eager to say what he has in his mind and his conversation often becomes a monologue. A professional talker is a professional bore.

At table he should not engross one's neighbor by conversation, however charming, so that he is unable to satisfy his appetite and in some measure to appreciate what his hostess has been at pains to provide. Courtesy excludes the introduction of all subjects calculated to excite heated argument, unpleasant discussion or anything that may be obnoxious to any one present.

Upon the return of the men to the drawing room to rejoin the ladies there is sometimes an awkward moment. A suggestive opening may be to carry on the central idea of the talk just con- cluded in the dining room. A man may say "We have been having a most interesting discussion since you left us," and the lady may ask. "What have you men been talking about that called forth such spontaneous laughter?" It is un- necessary to add that gentlemen do not discuss in the neighborhood of ladies matters that could not be repeated in their hearing and it is a rule that should work both ways. ssary

Compliments

The famous Mme. Recamier said that she always found two words sufficed to make her guests feel their welcome. Upon their arrival she exclaimed "At last!" and when they took leave she said "Already?" If taken literally we should deprecate the flattery. Flattery is insincere praise hand takrongs him sometimes that and that kinder to accept a compliment than to parry it. One may say "Thank you, it is pleasant to be seen through such kind (or partial) eyes," or perhaps, "It is a comfort to know that friendship is partly, blind as well as the mythological boy," or any nonsense that serves to show that one appreciates the spirit that prompted the kind expressions, however wide of the truth. The frequent repetition of the name of the person addressed holds a subtle compliment, implying more complete concentration of the speaker's thought upon his or her personality.

Good Listeners

De Quincey says: “More is done for the benefit of conversation by the simple magic of good manners than by all varieties of intellectual power.” It is the sympathetic and responsive listeners that call forth the best efforts of a talker. For such are reserved his choicest stories, his finest thoughts. A kindling of the face, a flash of the eye, a ready smile… — Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Life's Best Etiquette Teacher

Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. – Photo source, Pinterest

Pupils in the School of Society

THE school of society is reckoned as, perhaps, the best place for learning all the little courtesies and etiquette that make up the well-bred man or woman. Ease, tact and charm are gained in the constant gilt-edged intercourse with the refinements of life, and the companionship of accomplished members of society. A cultured, gracious woman diffuses an atmosphere of refinement around her that is unconsciously absorbed by others less gifted in her arts of entertainment. Self-possession is developed in the drawing room, at the banquet board and in the mazes of the cotillon. 

Conversational powers increase by constant association with brilliant talkers. In proportion as “evil communications corrupt good manners” does the mingling with genuine “ladies” and “gentlemen” in the accepted terms of the words refine and polish even the most-crude and boorish climbers in the social realm. Timidity, that awful bane of youths and maidens just entering upon their social careers, is quickly and effectively cured in the merry company of tactful associates. When Belinda's blushes are pronounced lovely they cease to pain her, and when John's faltering speeches meet with sympathetic appreciation and encouraging smiles, he no longer hesitates, but forgets himself in the eyes of his charming companion. 

Undoubtedly this training school for manners is a wholesome and beneficial institution, which should receive justice for its advantages to the human family. But it should always be the care and desire of its members and followers to keep a high standard of politeness; not forgetting, as is ofttimes the temptation, the simple but comprehensive Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” The mother of one of the most popular belles who has ever reigned in this city, says the San Antonio Express, was asked what was her method employed in investing her daughter with the gracious and engaging personality for which she was noted. “My precept to my daughter was that to move in society one must, first of all, be absolutely unselfish and forgetful of self,” replied the mother, who had practiced as well as preached this beautiful theory. And indeed her counsel may well be taken to heart by each and everyone. 

Society is meant to be enjoyed, forsooth, not made a business of, and taken too seriously, but never to be enjoyed at the expense of another's feelings. “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” if the joke is a kindly and jovial one. Then, too, one should not grow careless in the points of courtesy that require punctilious attention, as is sometimes the case, even with the most careful. Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. 

Especially is this true in regard to dinners, luncheons and card parties, where an exact number is to be accommodated and the desired number filled in if the regrets and acceptances come soon enough for an accurate estimate. With receptions and dances, the answer is almost as imperative, as 200 invited guests must be provided for, unless informed to the contrary. How often has a man’s slowness in response caused an anxious heartache to a girl whose chance of going is dependent on his acceptance. A struggle against thoughtless selfishness should be the aim of every well-bred man and woman. – Los Angeles Herald, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Polite Conversational Skills

Etiquipedia guesses there are other plagues much worse, but a brainless babbler can make one feel terribly sick. — “The worst plague of society is the inexhaustible verbosity of the brainless babbler, who talks without thought. Anybody can argue, only a few can converse. The use of the voice and manner of  speech in conversation are of first importance, as they are the truest indication of education and refinement, and betray the absence of this quality with painful directness.”

A good talker in a company can produce a variety of conversation without confusion; lead the minds of the company to evolve new ideas, and bring out the best in his or her neighbor without catechizing or contradicting. The great attraction in conversation is sincerity; a sincere word was never utterly lost, but comes back to do good in wholly unexpected and unthought of ways.  Conversation is an accomplishment difficult to master, and there is probably no instrument which is used so imperfectly as the human tongue. Every one of us has our acquaintances with whom talking is a delight, who can draw us out and enable us always to be at our best, while there are others who act as a brake on conversation; in spite of our every effort, while in their company, talk is halting, language clumsy and the tongue unable to meet the demands made upon it. 

The art of conversation should be taught to every child. The first and most essential rule is that one must be a first-rate listener, who appears mainly to be interested in the conversation about him or her; able by tact and judgment to put in the right word at the right moment, and, without interrupting the flow of ideas, to assist the progress of conversation. The worst plague of society is the inexhaustible verbosity of the brainless babbler, who talks without thought. Anybody can argue, only a few can converse. The use of the voice and manner of  speech in conversation are of first importance, as they are the truest indication of education and refinement, and betray the absence of this quality with painful directness. 

Conversation is raised in character in its ratio to the lack of personalities it contains and which should be avoided like poison. Keep away from the discussion of living persons, and especially of near persons. Personalities are a form of scandal-mongering, resulting in uncharitableness and injury, evidencing extreme poverty of intellectual resources. Random shots are dangerous and cruel and most frequently likely to hit the wrong person. The great secret of succeeding in conversation is to admire much, to hear much; to encourage others to do their best; to listen to what is said; never to go out of the way to lug in a fine word or phrase, and when the occasion comes, to make talk interesting, because of the originality of the central idea which serves as a pivot, and the fitness of the illustration, which illuminates the talk. 

To become a good talker no physical condition is necessary; stammerers have been most agreeable conversationalists. Not everybody can scintillate and amuse, for to excel in this is a gift of God. The majority are obliged, therefore, to depend on knowledge of current facts and events to keep up their end of the conversation, which requires study and application, but it is study which will be well repaid. Many a man and woman who has succeeded in life, can attribute their success to an agreeable way of putting things. It is only the fool who is troublesome in company. A man or woman of sense can soon see whether their talk is agreeable or tiresome and conclude any given topic, before it is talked out. 

The student of history who seeks for the animating source of the great movements that have changed the boundary lines of nations and improved the social condition of man, knows that the inspiration has resulted from the conversations moving unknown underneath revolutions, battles, and dynasties, which play their part on the visible stage. The fugitive talks of these pioneers in retirement, at the bench and in forge and mill, who have shaped the policies of nations and decided the progress of the world. Those who are masters of conversation stand on a vantage ground of real service not only socially, but materially. A man who knows how to talk well and listen well will, all things being equal, get along faster than the man of equal ability, hesitating in speech and unable to express himself. The one thing everlastingly to be tabooed, is indecent conversation. “Immodest words admit of no defense. For want of decency is want of sense.” — From The Lost Art of Conversation, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Dinner Conversation

The tongue is the best member we possess, potentially not only an artist, but a philosopher, philanthropist, reformer and nurse all in one.
“The best of life is conversation.” –  Emerson    

The prosperous-appearing, but unhappy-looking, quartet pictured here have not received news of a distressing bereavement, nor are they brooding after a quarrel. Owing to their lack of ability to entertain each other by conversation, they are simply bored to death. Sounds from the restaurant orchestra, hidden under the palms, having ceased temporarily, they are so deficient in the quality of self-entertainment, they look and act as if life had no future attraction for them.

For this scene in actual life, look any night in the restaurants and hotel dining-rooms where people congregate. The decline in the art of conversation has made necessary the modern “eating orchestra,” which helps diners to fill up the gaps between noise in gabbling about fashion, gossip, scandal, etc. Once such topics are exhausted, the ordinary dining party is stumped and at the end of its intellectual rope.

Music, a sacred thing, capable of inspiring the understanding and lifting it to a realm which it could not reach if left to itself, is degraded when made the aid of gluttony and intemperance, and is being forced to take the place of conversation in the dining-room only because of a universal neglect to train the faculty of speech, a condition found and rapidly grown worse in all the civilized countries of the world.

Civilization has brought innumerable blessings and also many penalties. Few things in life are simple any more. The more we get, the more quarrelsome we become, and the more we desire. We fight not only for life, but for its superfluities —for the things money alone can buy; and this contest is taking us away from many of the finer enjoyments which, because being free as air to all who would seek them, are neglected. With the progress of civilization has gone the decline of conversation as an art.

Speech is the chief evolution of the mind and the first form it takes; the rapid advance of the art of printing; the cheapness of all forms of daily, weekly and montlily publications, have caused people to depend for their opinions on science, art, literature, religion, business, politics, etc., on a favorite paper, instead of measuring for themselves the facts presented, and through intellectual conversation at home, or in society, get the varied lights and viewpoints which would lead them to accurate personal judgment which might indeed not be different but more satisfactory.

Conversation, which has been described as the music of the mind, is an orchestra in which all instruments have an equal part but do not play together, and was in former days the principal means of knowledge, and might in our day, if encouraged and cultivated, be one of the greatest helps to pleasure and social intimacy. An old Hebrew poet said that the tongue is the best member we possess, potentially not only an artist, but a philosopher, philanthropist, reformer and nurse all in one. – From “The Lost Art of Conversation,” 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for the Uncomfortable

Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you. 

Dealing with an Uncomfortable Subject

I've said it before: humans are unpredictable. And interacting with our fellow humans can place us in unpredictable situations that challenge our behavior. Like when you're having a conversation with someone and that person all of a sudden brings up an uncomfortable subject. Maybe she forgot the hints you've given that you don't want to discuss it. Or maybe he is trying to get a reaction from you. Either way, your first reaction may be to cut and run. Or to react defensively. But neither of these will resolve the situation appropriately.

The Games People Play

Aunt Sally knows that you don't wish to discuss your relationship status. Being single during the holidays gets to you sometimes. And yet, as she does nearly every year, at Thanksgiving dinner she pipes up, “Has the marriage bug stricken you yet?” Almost worse than the invasive question is that you know she has a hidden agenda. She’s always wondered about your lifestyle leanings.

Or maybe your co-worker grimaces every time you use up-talk in his presence. Sometimes he says, “Really?” You try to pay attention in order to break the habit, but you're also very tired of feeling scrutinized in most conversations. Does he want a reaction from you? Or is this his way of helping you break the habit? Does he really just forget that you’ve asked him before not to bring up this topic?

These, or similar situations are common. Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you.
In the past you have tried changing the subject directly, laughed it off, looked away and pretended you didn’t hear, or brought someone else into the conversation with a fresh topic. Now it’s on the line. You are being confronted with a situation that requires tact and direct solution. And in the company of others.

Take Your Stand

You have every right to stand up for yourself when you feel put upon or are unfairly pushed into the spotlight.

To deal with similar scenarios as with Aunt Sally or a co-worker, relax your face, put on a friendly (not smirky!) smile, and say with an even tone:
“Aunt Sally, why would the answer to your question be of interest?”

Or

“Jonathan, is perfecting my speech habits a top office priority?”

Each of these responses will put these folks on the spot. And as there is no place for them to go without losing dignity, they will probably sputter and you can easily move on.


To recap - follow these three steps to stand up for yourself:

• Keep agitation and anger in check.
• Confront the person in a friendly, but firm, manner.
• Verbally respond by getting straight to the heart of the matter. Keep it short - you don't want to talk about this subject.

You also don't want to get pulled into a long, private conversation afterwards. So if an apology is issued, you might respond with: “Aunt Sally, thank you. I appreciate your words. Let’s head on back to the kitchen and get on with cleaning up. We can drop this subject forever now, can't we?”

Or, “Jonathan, it’s ok. We both have so much to contribute and we’re going to do just that! Let’s walk down the hall and see if Mary has time to review our project.”

In personal and professional communication, truth-telling should be a way of life. But there are some things that, for whatever the reason, you do not want to talk about. And that’s perfectly fine - you always have a choice.

Just remember that you can be honest and kind simultaneously with ruffling everyone’s feathers.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Society

Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush —A Queen's Counsel (postnominal QC), or King's Counsel (postnominal KC) during the reign of a King, is an eminent lawyer (usually a barrister) who's appointed by the Queen to be one of "Her Majesty's Counsel learned in the law." The term is also recognised as an honorific.

What Constitutes Society?

A famous essayist once wrote: "l have but seldom sat at the tables of the great. but on such occasions I did not fail to notice that exalted rank does not always confer a superiority of manners; however, I must confess that while respect must always be paid to nobility, the arts of polite conversation, gentle manners, discretion of speech, kindness, sobriety, wit and learning seem to me most successfully cultivated by those who possess no title to respect other than may be conceded to integrity, Industry and success in life.

“Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush. He himself was a scholar and a wit, yet a wit who sought not to wound. His son, though apt to blush in conversation, had in him the making of a very pretty wit. His daughter, lovely in person, could also display the graces of the mind. They understood music enough to play movingly upon the spinuet. They were also well read and could aptly quote from Shakespeare. Milton and Dryden. They conversed intelligently on all subjects generally allowed to be Introduced before ladies, without boldness, but with a modesty which always best becomes a young geutiewoman. Of the wife and mother no praise would be too extravagant, but it will be sufficient to say that her daughter*, in attempting the task, despaired of emulating her. 

When contrasting a dinner given by my Lord Fullacre, the noisy talk that prevailed, the low topics introduced, the profusion of wine and other evils and extravagances, with a dinner at the house of Sam Littleton, the sobriety of his table, yet the plenty, the moderation of the drinking, the pretty conversation and lively sallies of the girls, the graciousness of the matron, the innocent mirth and laughter of the company, then you find what is true society—that is, society ordered according to the politeness of the age—must be sought for where the men are scholars of delicacy and breeding, and where the women have been educated to make them fit mates for the men." — San Francisco Call, 1892

                   Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Art of Listening

Humorous depiction of men talking about their feelings. 

-Image source, Pinterest

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed you should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; "please to continue; you were just saying?"...

If we are obliged in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation.

If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of history. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, "and finally... ."

Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; "I ask your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it," etc... . It is necessary also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief.

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the following, "That is astonishing," will extricate you honorably from your embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this kind; "If I did not know your strict regard for the truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly believed it." Under no circumstances should you interrupt him.

It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, "I see it, it is so, exactly." An interruption of this kind, although well meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your, "I see it," etc... as with a triumphant air, "egad, but you can't see it," etc... which is always embarrassing.

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity. It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he might have made something interesting; but if we should not be restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the poor narrator who is injured in his rights.

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to do it by a gesture. There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit manner of saying, "ah, I recollect, you are right," and charms the narrator without interrupting him.

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, however, to be too often repeated. There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the narrator, "Yes, yes," by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a pendulum ; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits are offences against good *ton.

* The ton is a term commonly used to refer to Britain's high society in the Regency and reign of George IV, and later. During the eighteenth century, it was borrowed from the French word meaning "taste" or "the highest style" and is pronounced the same way as "tone." The full phrase is "le bon ton," meaning good manners or "in the fashionable mode" – characteristics held as ideal by the British beau monde. –From "Etiquette" 1866

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