Gilded Age Dining Requisites Revealed

What Have We Here? — I’m routinely sent photos of utensils via DM on Instagram, asking for their intended purpose. I’m happy to share the information. Here is a small selection from my personal collection appearing on the back of my latest book— A gilded age, souvenir spoon from Baltimore, featuring a turtle, or terrapin design, is on the far left of this assortment. Next, from left to right, are a gilded orange spoon; a multi-tined, gilded sardine fork; a gilded and pierced, nut scoop or bon bon scoop; a gilded, heart-shaped bon bon server; a gilded sugar sifter or confectioner spoon; a gilded, spiderweb design, lettuce serving fork; a gilded jelly (aspic) server or jelly roll cake server; and a gilded and pierced bon bon server. The gilding was applied to protect the silver from tarnishing due to salt, citric acid, and other harmful ingredients commonly found in foods.

The Gilded Age table often required numerous utensils for dining and serving. A souvenir spoon from Baltimore, featuring a turtle, or terrapin, is on the far left of this assortment. Each utensil was designed with at least one food —or purpose— in mind, yet many suited several foods, or even evolved to suit new foods which were considered delicacies, when the foods they were originally designed for, became less important when entertaining.  - The fancy for collecting “souvenir” spoons, one at a time, suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons with out feeling the burden of the expense. Yet, on the other hand, these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price being paid other hand, these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price being paid for the “idea;” but the expenditure is worth while to those who value historical associations.— Agnes H. Morton. 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Fad in Dinner Parties

First you decide how many courses will be desirable—eight, for instance—and then get eight women living as nearby as possible in the same neighborhood, to agree each to serve a course at her own house. After that, all is plain sailing unless it rains. The itinerary is arranged, a schedule worked out and the guests— 10 is a good number—invited to meet at a certain house at 7 o’clock for clams and soup. 

Over in Elizabeth, the society people have discovered a new form of entertainment. It is a progressive dinner—not of the ordinary, everyday sort, where the men move, up two seats with each course, so as to be able to get off the same jokes several times during the evening, but something much more novel and elaborate. It is done this way: 

First you decide how many courses will be desirable—eight, for instance—and then get eight women living as nearby as possible in the same neighborhood, to agree each to serve a course at her own house. After that, all is plain sailing unless it rains. The itinerary is arranged, a schedule worked out and the guests— ten is a good number—invited to meet at a certain house at 7 o’clock for clams and soup. 

One of the men takes charge of the progressive part, and announces that it is time to progress. The table is left instantly, for it would never do to be late at the next house, as the penalty would be cold fish. The same plan is carried through the evening, and in turn the entree. Roman Punch, roast, salad, dessert and coffee are enjoyed at different houses. Partners are changed at each house, and if the guests are well chosen a very jolly evening results.

This new method of dining certainly has some merits. It gives, for instance, each hostess a chance to show great ingenuity in the decorations of her table. At an Elizabeth dinner for the fish course, the table was covered with a fish net, the place cards were small clam shells and among the decorations were several ponds containing fish, which appropriateness would have been out of the question with other courses preceding and to follow it. 

Then it famishes the guests with a large collection of favors, while at the same time giving great occasion for individuality and rivalry, among the hostesses in their selection. And, above all it furnishes exercise between each course and chances for innocent flirtatious under the silver moon while going on to the next house. But only think what fun it would all be in a heavy rain!—Newark (N. J.) Call, 1900

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for British Weddings

It is considered good taste nowadays to have brown or bay horses for the bride’s carriage, instead of gray ones. The custom of having groomsmen in equal number with the bridesmaids has been revived of late. —A picture of the June bride of 1903 in the color white, which was made de rigueur by Queen Victoria.

Rules of Etiquette to Be Followed as Prescribed in England

A bride should either thank personally or write notes to all people who send wedding presents. 

It is considered good taste nowadays to have brown or bay horses for the bride’s carriage, instead of gray ones. The custom of having groomsmen in equal number with the bridesmaids has been revived of late.

If there are any pages, the bride usually gives them presents, while the bridegroom presents each bridesmaid with a present and bouquet, and also gives a bouquet to the bride’s mother.

Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses unless the bride’s mother offers to do so. This is not usual, however, and there is not the least necessity for her to do so.

The bridegroom’s mother is led down the church after the ceremony by the bride’s father or whoever gave her away. The bride’s mother and the bridegroom’s father follow.

The bridegroom provides house and table linen, as well as furniture. Years ago the linen was the bride’s care, but all this is changed.

A bridegroom usually wears a very dark blue or black frock coat, light trousers, generally gray, a light or white tie, patent leather boots or shoes and a high hat. — Chicago Chronicle, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Parisian Wedding Etiquette

Before uttering the “oui” which takes the place of “I will,” both bridegroom and the bride turn toward their relatives as if to ask their consent.

Parisian etiquette makes the marriage ceremonial differ in many details from that practiced in America. There, the bridegroom calls for the bride and her friends, and takes them to church, just as he does on the occasion if the civil ceremony at the Maire. The bride takes the place of honor in the first carriage, her mother on the left. Her father and chief witness sits opposite them. The bridegroom's mother takes the right hand place in the second carriage, the bridegroom sitting on her left. His father and the chief witness for his side of the contract sit opposite. 

The bride’s father leads her to the altar, the bridegroom following with his mother on his arm. Then comes the bride's mother leaning on the arm of the bridegroom’s father, followed by four couples, consisting of the bridegroom’s two witnesses, each with a lady of the bride’s family, and the bride’s two witnesses, with two ladies of the bridegroom’s family. When they arrive at the altar, a fresh grouping takes place, the bride’s family and witnesses seating themselves on her left and those of the bridegroom on her right. Before uttering the “oui” which takes the place of “I will,” both bridegroom and the bride turn toward their relatives as if to ask their consent. — Daily Morning Times, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Grief of Others

 

Guidelines for Offering Condolences

Offering condolences can be challenging when you struggle to say just the right thing.  

Unfortunately, times of challenge and loss are a part of our lives.  What matters most is that you show compassion when others experience difficult life events.

In the case of death, when consolation is not possible, just to let the bereaved know that you care is doing your best.  Offer your own words in the most considerate, genuine, kind, and courteous manner.

Reach Out to Comfort

As soon as you have the news from a legitimate source, it is appropriate to reach out directly to the person or people affected.  

Compassion, courtesy, and common sense should serve as your guides to communication.  A phone call is thoughtful, but be understanding if your call goes unanswered or is sent to voice mail.  Your friend may be overwhelmed with phone calls at the time, and simply unable to handle them all.

Pay a visit to the bereaved only if you know this will be appreciated.  Some people prefer to handle grief or challenges in private.

In the case of a funeral or wake, briefly visit with the family who lost their loved one, with respect to the number of other people who also wish to speak to them.  

The etiquette of offering condolences requires that we do what we can to comfort and offer assistance.  And giving the person or people affected plenty of space to be alone and include others as they wish.

Offering Condolences in Writing

If you are better at writing your words of comfort than speaking them, you could consider doing so via email or text.  

However, use these methods only if you know the bereaved very well and know she is comfortable receiving condolence messages this way.

In today’s age of instant technology, it may be that the person most affected has announced the situation on social media, indicating his comfort in that medium.  Social media has given many the sense of immediate community and find it helpful and comforting to communicate online.

Should you choose to communicate via email, text, or social media, please follow up with a handwritten card or letter.  Receiving a card or letter that you took the time to write and send will mean a great deal during times of struggle and grief.

What to Write

Keep It Sensitive and Simple!

What you write will vary according to the relationship you have with the recipient - family, friend, co-worker, or close acquaintance.

Here are some basic guidelines to keep in mind.

What to Say:

• An expression of sorrow.  "Sorry" is most often used.  "I'm sorry to hear about your father."
• Relating a genuine, personal memory of affection for the deceased is kind.
• Offering practical assistance when possible is considerate.
  

What to Avoid Saying:

• Unsolicited advice.
• Words meant to “cheer up” or encourage.
• Words of clichéd wisdom or of your own experience.
  

Some things are just better left unsaid, but your most personal and authentic means of offering condolences is the rule.

Remember to stick to the basics of "less is more" as a good rule of thumb, especially if you default to “chatty.”

How to Write It

Remembering that condolence notes and letters are too personal to follow one template, here is just a sample of what to include in a note or letter of sympathy:

1. Salutation:  Dear ________
2. Expression of sorrow
3. Something heartfelt about the person who died
4. Your offer to help
5. Wishes for the best
6. Closing
   

Dear Sam,

I am so sorry to learn about your Dad.

He always greeted me with kind words and was so good at making others feel welcome in your home.

If there is anything I can do for you during this difficult time, please do not hesitate to let me know. 

You are close in thought and mind.

Respectfully and with love,
Mary 

Whom to address:
If you knew the deceased well, but not the family, address the note to the closest relative.  You can also add “and Family” if you wish.

Write to the person you know the best to express your condolence.  If it’s a friend whose parent has died, write to the friend.

Send your card or letter within a week of learning of the death.  Otherwise, don’t let the time frame prohibit you from reaching out!  

During times of deep, personal loss, it can be difficult to know what to say when offering condolences.  Also when expressing comfort for the loss of a job or relationship, or other challenging events.  But the most important thing to do is reach out.

Letting people know they are supported and cared for can help make tough times more bearable.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of “La Danza Mexicana”

“… In the best society of the Mexican capital, girls are not permitted to engage in the dance except with their brothers or nearest of kin, not even with the lovers to whom they are betrothed, and married ladies only with their husbands— very sensible etiquette, by the way, but would be bettered if unmarried folk were prohibited from dancing it at all.”

One Experience Sufficient for a Life-Time

How the Mexican Dance Affected a Dignified New Yorker 

💃🏻🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏻💃🏻🕺🏽💃🏻🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏻💃🏻🕺🏽 

Bailes de Compadres

Congratulate me— for in the words of the immortal Webster, “I still live,” even after having participated in a Mexican dance! For an unmarried lady of social standing to attend a public ball of this description, though escorted by her father or brothers, is considered rather a daring thing to do yet last night's crowd attested that many do attend them. In the innocence of my heart, actuated by pure journalistic fervor in pursuit of information, I accepted the invitation— and now quite agree with that American who remarked, “A man may danza in the innocence of his heart just once.”

You ask, “What is la danza?” It is some thing impossible to define in cold black and white, to be read at long range amid prosaic surroundings; it could not occur any where but among these poetical passionate races of the tropics, and cannot even be understood by one of northern birth, unless he has lived here long enough to get something of the climate into his blood.

It is the most innocent looking dance in the world— no more harm in it, to merely look at, than in a champagne glass, or in the “unloaded pistol” which goes off at some unwary moment. And maybe murders your grandmother! The music is slow— so very slow that a Northern belle would re-belle at once; the quiet step is simply the balance of the dancing-master's quadrille, with the important addition that this is a “round dance.”

With this lazy step you move backward and forward, or gently turn around when ever the crowd gives you room, until you come face to face with another couple as sleepy as yourselves, with whom you execute that stupid “right hand across to cross over and back”— exactly as in our pinafore-and-pantalette days. Then the gentleman's arm encircles his partner's waist, she leans on his shoulder and gives her right hand to his left and in this little quadrille they balances until it is time to resume the tete-a-tete. This is all there is of it— and what could possibly appear more innocent?

But appearances are sometimes deceitful, and the dance depends altogether upon who dances it. Certainly, “the racquet” in a Northern ballroom (it wouldn't be possible here) looks fully as demoralizing but probably the vast difference lies in the fact that the participants in the dance are as unlike the dudes and debutantes of other climes as the lotus-flower differs from the hollyhock or the warmth of the tropic sun from the half glimmer of an aurora borealis. 

These creatures of impulse are no more to be judged by the same rules which apply to phlegmatic Anglo-Saxons than John Smith or Sarah Jones would enlist our sympathies if they behaved exactly as Romeo or Juliet. Therefore, it is that in the best society of the Mexican capital, girls are not permitted to engage in the dance except with their brothers or nearest of kin, not even with the lovers to whom they are betrothed, and married ladies only with their husbands— very sensible etiquette, by the way, but would be bettered if unmarried folk were prohibited from dancing it at all.—Special Record Union Correspondent, City of Mexico, June 29, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Polite Personal Branding Tips

Creating an Etiquette-ful 
Personal Brand

A reader posed a compelling question recently: “How do you want others to perceive you?  What is the image you want to be known for?”  Or, to borrow from a marketing term, what is your personal brand?

Typically, your personal brand is your public persona used to influence your status in society, to market your expertise in a particular industry, or to elevate credibility as a public figure.  

But what about your personal etiquette brand?  Would you be known as someone who promotes excellence?  A person who wants to be helpful and kind?  Generous and considerate?  If you chose a personal brand with which to present yourself to other people and society in general, what would that be?

Seeing Yourself

Any etiquette-ful action involves considering "what it’s like to be on the other side of me."  Something I’m working on is self-awareness, as I believe that’s part of what the famous poet Robert Burns meant when he wrote, “Oh would the gods the gift they give us, to see ourselves as others see us.”  

Self-awareness means being willing to take personal assessment on how clearly we see what others see in us.  It also means that we become committed to being honest with ourselves, aware of our gifts and our flaws.

Seeking the truth about how others see us in everyday existence requires an open mind and open heart.  You can’t see the truth if you aren’t willing to accept it.  However, we are all human and we all have the capacity to come up short in consistent etiquette-fulness because we must interact with other humans.  It’s important to remember that other people are mirrors who reflect what we present.  

To consider your etiquette-ful personal brand, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do your actions show others that you are sincere?
• Are you listening to people in conversation and comprehending their messages, or are you listening to respond?
• Are your interactions with others pleasant?  How can you make everyday interactions meaningful and enjoyable?
• If you were someone else interacting with you, what impression would you have?
  

Presenting Your Personal Brand

The adage “Actions speak louder than words,” is telling.  What actions would set the example of living your personal brand?
 
My guess is that the following actions would be most prominent when interacting with people:

• Listening more than speaking.  
• Asking others what they think and feel about a subject or situation.  
• Asking for input.  
• Showing more than telling.  
• Suggesting that someone else to go first. 
• Inquiring about someone’s well-being or health. 
• Inviting others to meet on a call, suggesting a virtual teleconference meeting.
• Giving credit for good work.

When interactions become tense, or disagreement arises, you can implement “the pause.”  This is several seconds of silence that allows you to tap into awareness of your words and actions so you can respond rather than react.  The pause is essential to finding what is most respectful and courteous in an immediate situation. 

The benefits of using the pause are:

• It gives you time to let emotions stay put.  
• Its canopy offers a sense of personal control. 
• It is a part of gaining inner calm that can inspire you. 
• It reminds you that no one is perfect and that others deserve the benefit of a doubt. 
• It provides the opportunity to be remembered for thoughtful, fair responses.   

Choosing how we want to be perceived is an act of positivity.  Creating a personal brand around that desired perception cements your commitment to being that person.  It is a courageous act, as you will discover many things you may want to change, and your path forward might take you to new levels of being in the world.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of a Queen’s Personal Servant

A bodyguard was just what Queen Victoria was in need of, when she decided to eschew the constraints of etiquette, especially in the Scottish Highlands. John Brown fit the bill, but Victoria's children and ministers resented the high regard she had for Brown, after the loss of her husband, Prince Albert. Predictably, rumors that there was something improper in Victoria’s relationship with John Brown, circulated throughout Royal circles . The 15th Earl of Derby, Edward Stanley, noted in his diary, that Brown and Victoria slept in adjoining rooms, “contrary to etiquette and even decency,” while the Queen's own daughters joked that the burly Scotchman was their, “mama's lover.” The Queen dismissed all this chatter as “ill-natured gossip in the higher classes.” — Image above from the 1997 film “Mrs Brown,” a fictionalised story of their friendship. Sir Billy Connolly portrays Brown and Dame Judi Dench portrays Queen Victoria.

“I have often seen Mr. Brown. When from time to time officers of the late-campaign have been decorated at Windsor, only journalists who have served as war correspondents have been admitted to the ceremony. I have, therefore, had several opportunities to witness the investure of most unheroic soldiers with unwon honors at the hands of their Sovereign. John Brown always accompanies her, standing a little behind and to her left. 

Tall, spare, sharp-featured, with fine blue eyes, and a really good head, with a pleasant demeanor, and very thin legs, he stands serious and attentive behind the chair which he has watched and guarded over for nearly forty five years. Mr. Brown is credited with great personal bravery. On three occasions when Her Majesty’s life has been attempted, he has distinguished himself by his well-directed efforts to protect the Queen, and on one occasion, a successful endeavor to hold the would-be assassin. With the household servants Brown is, naturally enough, unpopular. He enjoys the confidence of the Queen, and rules the household with a rod of iron, so far as he may. He is an authority on Court etiquette, a linguist, speaking half a dozen languages fluently, a classical scholar as well, and student of politics. 

I have never heard what his origin was beyond the fact that he is Scotch beyond a doubt, and has been in, the service of the Royal family since boyhood. Rumor gives it that the Prince of Wales hates him like poison and declines to meet him except when forced to do so by Royal command. The Queen has always sought to put him forward, but without success, exactly, and there are stories afloat which I advise you not to believe.”— London Correspondent of the Chicago Daily News, April, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Cocktail Parties

 Be the Best Cocktail Party Guest

A cocktail party is the classic social gathering.  At what other time, in a single location, is it plausible to find a sparkle of romance, business deals made, and social standing elevated - or plummeted?

But no matter the goings on, there is always one constant:  the level of decorum expected from each guest.

It begins with your arrival.  Since cocktail hour isn't a sit-down affair, it is fine to arrive after it begins, but never early.  A host is usually fine-tuning food, drinks, and set-up well into the last minute.  Your early arrival will only escalate the frenzy.

Remember Your Limit

Just because it's a party doesn't mean you can totally cut loose.  Know your drink limit before you arrive.  If you're attending primarily for networking purposes, one or two drinks is an appropriate maximum.  

Over-indulging is a good way to invite trouble to any gathering.  A host's nightmare!
No one wants a drunk guest falling down a staircase, hitting on a VIP - or any guest for that matter, or falling asleep in the onion dip.

If you find yourself sipping a little too hurriedly, switch to water or soda.  

And if you don't drink, having water or a non-alcoholic beverage in your glass works perfectly well as you go about the party mingling and meeting new people.  After all, isn't that why you came? 

Cocktail Party Boundaries

For some people, cocktails are like truth serum with a permission slip to talk to anyone who will listen.  

Be very careful here!  People remember more than you may think, and you never know which sober guest may overhear you and spread the word.  

Keep all cocktail party conversations civil and never divulge anything you wouldn't be willing to place on a billboard.

Also, keep courtesy intact when mingling with V.I.P.'s:

• Avoid monopolizing a VIP's time.  If you engage in one-on-one conversation, invite others to join in after a few minutes.
• Address with respect at all times.  If you call him Mr. Mayor at Chamber of Commerce meetings, don't call him Bill at your neighbor's party.
  
• You're treating everyone as a VIP if you respect their time!
  

Time to Leave

If you arrived a bit late to the party, don't assume it's okay to stay late as well.  
When guests begin to filter out, it's probably time for you to go, too.  

But no matter what time you leave, thank your host and follow up with a thank you note, or an email if that feels appropriate. 

The Best Guest

The best guest on any occasion is mindful, helpful, and cheerful.  The "etiquette-ful" guest practices the art of putting others first while being true to personal values. 

She notices when a newcomer needs to be introduced around and is happy to meet the challenge.  

If ice is running low, or the hors d'oeuvre tray needs refilling, he takes care of it - or offers to.

There is never a lack of good cheer when an ideal guest is in attendance.  Conversation is always positive and smiles abound.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

19th C. Changes to Dining Forks

The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

Until 1922, proper etiquette demanded that specialized forks be used for eating ice cream. Not everyone was happy with this fad. As Florence Howe Hall, the the granddaughter of Julia Ward Howe, complained in 1887:

The fork has now become the favorite and fashionable utensil for conveying food to the mouth. First it crowded out the knife, and now in its pride it has invaded the domain of the once powerful spoon. The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

The more diners resorted to the fork, the more they noticed its limitations. A two-tined fork may be useful for spearing, but it is not a good tool for eating delicate foods like flaky fish or pastry. To meet this need and other presumed ones, flatware manufacturers stepped into the breach, paying greater attention to the shape of the utensils as they related to food. Although multi-tined forks had periodically been manufactured for centuries, dinner forks were now regularly made with several tines (usually three or four, but on occasion up to five or six) rather than with two long, widely spaced straight ones. 

In this way, the diner could spear food without having to twist the fork and risk damaging a delicate morsel or, worse yet, having the food fall off the tines or slip through the space between them. The additional tines, now molded in a slightly curved fashion, helped to scoop up food like a spoon, and the curve allowed for a clearer view of the food being cut. Fish forks were designed with four tines, of which the outer two curved slightly for ease in picking up flaked pieces of fish. A special pastry fork, or “cutting fork,” was patented in 1869 by Reed & Barton, with one thick outer tine sharp enough to cut the pastry. Its remaining tines functioned like those on a regular fork to bring the food to the mouth. — From “Feeding Desire,” 2006

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Manners Q. & A. on “Thank You”

There are those that we need to thank in business. Those people we are obligated to thank, if we want to start or continue a good business relationship. 

A Reader’s Query on the Importance of “Thanks” 

Question from Anonymous: My wife is angry with me because I asked complete strangers to contact with me any helpful information they could give me, in an unnamed situation that happened in the past. This was over social media. Several people responded. It’s been 3 weeks, and I appreciate it all the information that was sent to me, but my wife is angry with me because I never responded with a thank you to these people who sent information. But I have been busy with other things. Am I in the wrong or she is wrong? I’m planning on thanking these people soon. She knows I’m always prompt in thanking people in business situations.

Answer: There are those that we need to thank in business. Those people we are obligated to thank, if we want to start or continue a good business relationship.

Then there are personal notes of thanks that are needed for complete strangers who have gone out of their way to help you. There is nothing in their job description that requires them to help you. Because you are a complete stranger, they are helping you out of the kindness of their hearts.

A note of thanks is needed in both cases. In both cases it is good manners to say, "thank you." But for the people who have gone out of their way, out of the goodness of their hearts, deserve extra prompt notes of thanks from you. They were under no obligation to be kind to you. — Site Editor Maura J. Graber

 
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Laying Etiquette of 1908

Marion Harland wrote “The Housekeeper’s Week,” along with the books “Complete Cook Book” and “Everyday Etiquette”

Laying the Table

One of the tasks which practice should make perfect, but often does not, is laying the table. A thing that is done three times a day, three hundred and sixty-five times in the year should be done skilfully, and yet the awkwardly arranged table is not an infrequent occurrence. The following are the conventionally accepted rules and arrangements.

A canton flannel or asbestos cover should be provided to lay under the table-cloth as a protection to the table when a table-cloth is used. It may be said that the asbestos covers, now much in vogue, are valuable additions to the housekeeper's store, as they absolutely protect the table from burns and can, the best of them, be rolled up like a flannel cloth. They are not, however, to be obtained at every department store but are the property of special dealers.

For breakfast and luncheon the use of table mats of various sizes is, at the present time, more general than the use of a table-cloth. When the cloth is used, as at dinner, it should be laid so that the central crease strikes the exact center of the table. Place knives and spoons at the right of the plate, having the ends of the handles near the edge of the table. The sharp edge of the knives should be turned toward the plate, and the inside of the bowls of the spoons turned up. The forks should be to the left, and in side up. The napkins should be on the plate or at the left hand side with the water glasses a little to the right and top edge of the plate. At the top of the plate in the middle the individual salt-cellar should be placed. If the meal in the case is breakfast, small butter plates and butter knives may be added to the furnishings of the table; and the service for coffee or chocolate or both should be placed before the mistress of the house.

If the meal in question is dinner, the carving-set and knife and fork should be placed before the carver. The amount of silver on the table will depend upon the number of courses served.

In case the duties of the house are performed by one maid, it is well to dispense at breakfast and luncheon with service beyond the proper disposition of dishes on the table. This is indeed the English fashion and gives a pleasant informality to those meals. But service there should be, and of the right kind at dinner.

Serving the dinner: The maid should stand quietly behind the carver while the meat is being carved. She should take each plate from him and set it before the person for whom it is intended. She should then pass the vegetables and condiments if any. The plates should be removed after each course, and before the dessert is brought on, everything except the glasses and the flowers should be removed and the cloth should be cleared of crumbs by the use of a crumb knife and tray or by the use of a fresh napkin.

Though there are some differences of opinion on this point, the generally accepted rule is that the maid must go to the left side of the person served when the dish is one from which he helps himself, thus giving him the free use of his right hand, — to the right when it is something that she places on the table. For instance she must go to the right with the plate served by the carver, to the left with the vegetable dish from which the diner helps himself. Some authorities, however, insist that everything shall be served from the left except water and other liquids that can be poured into a glass.

In removing dishes the waitress should never pile one upon another and should not attempt to take more than two plates at a time. Perhaps it is unnecessary in this day and age to say that the silver should be placed in the center of the plate, the knife, fork and spoon side by side and not at varying and dangerous angles.

The rules given are the elementary ones merely of table serving. It takes but a short time for a maid to make a conquest of them and rigid adherence to them should be insisted upon. There is no one of the daily round of tasks that contributes more perhaps to the esthetic happiness of the family than that of quiet and efficient service at the dinner table. — Marion Harland in The Housekeeper’s Week, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Look at 19th C. Snobbery

Snobbery flourishes in fluid societies where a prosperous and rising middle-class presses on the heels of an established aristocracy. It is a defense-mechanism and, as such, may perhaps be excused. But the Victorians certainly pushed it to extreme lengths. Although they lived in the great era of commercial expansion, everybody “who was anybody” had to pretend that he had nothing to do with Trade.

THE Victorians were snobs: In fact, they invented the term. It was Thackeray who gave it its present significance. Snobbery does not flourish in rigid societies, like that of the eighteenth century when every one knew a lord by the star of some order on his coat. Snobbery flourishes in fluid societies where a prosperous and rising middle-class presses on the heels of an established aristocracy.

It is a defense-mechanism and, as such, may perhaps be excused. But the Victorians certainly pushed it to extreme lengths. Although they lived in the great era of commercial expansion, everybody “who was anybody” had to pretend that he had nothing to do with Trade.

THERE were two curious exceptions to this rule: it was always permissible for a gentleman to be a wine merchant, and toward the end of the Victorian period it began to be possible to be a stockbroker without losing caste. Barristers were accepted members of gentility's ranks, but solicitors were not; nor doctors. Even as late as the Eighteen Eighties it is surprising (and rather distressing) to find, in, for example, George du Maurier's cartoons in Punch, how much time and thought the Victorians gave to such questions.

It was all very difficult for those who were on the borderline and, to help them, etiquette books began to be published in large numbers. When even these did not supply the right answers there were the correspondence columns of magazines like The Queen.

Many of the inquiries were concerned with the complicated ritual of “leaving cards.” “If the lady is at home, give your name to the servant, who will announce you; and, as you go out, leave two of your husband's cards in the hall, one for the host and one for the hostess. As you have seen her, you naturally would not leave your own card.”

“Going in to dinner” was a process even more formal. “The host communicates to each gentleman the name of the lady he is to take in to dinner the butler announces the latter to his master, who then offers his arm to the lady appointed to be escorted by him. This should be either the oldest lady, the lady of the highest rank, or the greatest stranger. The other guests follow arm-in arm, and the hostess closes the procession, escorted by the gentleman who has been appointed to the honorable post for one of the three reasons above-mentioned, as being the oldest or of highest rank, etc.” Plenty of pitfalls here for the aspiring hostess not quite sure of her position!– The New York Times, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the 1908 Bridge Table

No one should venture to entertain at bridge, nor accept a bridge invitation, who cannot play the game more than passably well. Don’t go out into public until you can do more than “play at the game”! It is not enough that the hostess provide only four well-matched players, cards and a score pad and pencil. 

Before the evening or afternoon game starts, there are several things that the thoughtful hostess must attend to before she can be assured of a perfect party. 

❤️♣️♦️♠️♥️♣️♦️♠️♥️♣️♦️♠️

Above– A bridge table luncheon place setting for 1955, complete with ash tray, matches and cigarettes. Cigarettes, ash trays and a lighter or matches, were proper at place settings from the 1940’s and 1950’s, They were likely found at most all card tables in 1908, though the proper place setting manuals and etiquette books did not mention them as “requisites” until the 1940’s. 

How to Cover a Bridge Table

It is said that the etiquette of bridge must be as strictly adhered to as must the very rules themselves, and one of the most important etiquette laws is that the table at which the game is played shall be of correct height and size and in perfect keeping with the furnishings of the room. No longer is the cheap wooden table with its dull felt cover permissible, but, fortunately, an attractive bridge table is an easy matter to make at home, and to have the card table in keeping with the style of room there need be no added expense to be considered.

The newest bridge tables are less than a yard square and made of the lightest pine wood so as to be easily portable. A square yard of material will therefore cover the table completely, and this cover may be either brocade, heavy corded silk, panne velvet, tapestry, chints, or felt of a shade corresponding to the color scheme of the room. For a country house a bright French chintz is attractive, while a good piece of tapestry is smart for a library or den. Brocade for a handsome French period room is most frequently made use of, while panne velvet in soft shades of green, pink, and blue is often used and makes a delightfully soft cover and one that is excellent to play on. The felt is still preferred by numbers of card enthusiasts, but the light colors are now generally preferred, although with a dark background it is unquestionably easier to distinguish the cards one from an other.

To put on the cover is an easy matter. The material is first stretched tightly over the table and then cut so as to leave about an inch beyond what is necessary to turn in to prevent fraying. The brocade, felt, or whatever the material chances to be, is then nailed to the wooden rim with large thumb tacks or brass-headed nails, or, if desired, the material may be drawn down underneath the edge of the table and fastened there with small tacks.

Gilt tables are extremely pretty, and on any white wood the gilt can easily ba painted. Silver is also sometimes used, but unless peculiarly in keeping with the furnishings of the room is not so effective as the gold finish. White enamel paint is most attractive for a morning room, while mahogany varnish is easily applied, if that will look best in the room, Mahogany and marquetry tables can be made up to order, but must not be ex pected to masquerade as antiques, for the modern bridge is quite unlike the card table used when whist flourished in the days of Thackeray and Dickens. Perhaps the most fashionable furniture of the moment is the golden-brown English walnut, and there are bridge tables to be had in this wood just as the design of the Louis XIV., XV., XVI. and the Empire can be copied in the legs of the bridge table if so desired for a room as an example of that special period.– The New York Times, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Table Etiquette “Don’ts”

Don't bite your bread: break it of with your hand. Don't trowel butter across an unbroken slice of bread. – Queen Victoria popularized placing a loaf of bread from which to cut slices from on the dining table, but dinner rolls were always found to be more popular on fashionable American tables of the era.– 
For laying the proper Gilded Age Table: “The damask cloth, which is always in the best taste for dinner, should have been ironed with a distinct crease down the middle, as a guide in the mathematical arrangement of the places. Next are laid plates large enough to hold the oyster or soup plate which is to contain the first course, and on it, or sometimes beside it, is arranged the napkin. This should have been ironed so as to fold over in three rather than four thicknesses, and it should be folded first so that the upper edge is broken at the midline and brought down the crease on either side of the mid-crease. The two protruding ends of the linen are now folded back on themselves so as to leave nearly a right-angled triangle of the napkin. This arrangement is finally turned over so that the foiled ends are underneath, and the dinner roll inserted.”

DON'T

• Don't leave your knife and fork your plate when you send it for a second supply. This rule is disputed by the English. The logic of the question, however, proves the correctness of this, for it is not easy to place food on a plate already occupied by a knife and fork It is always a law of politeness to incommode one's self rather than incommode others, so the problem of what to do with your dinner tools should be your problem rather than that of the host’s. The handles of knives and forks are now loaded so that the blades or tines will soil the cloth when rested upon the table. Or one may with a little skill hold knife and fork without awkwardness)
• Don't reject bits of bone or other substances by spitting them back into the plate. Quietly eject them upon your fork holding it to your lips and then place them upon the plate. Fruit stones may be removed with the fingers.
• Don't bite your bread: break it of with your hand. Don't trowel butter across an unbroken slice of bread.
• Don't stretch across another's plate to reach anything.
• Don't apply to your neighbor to pass articles when the servant is at hand.
• Don't finger articles: don't play with your napkin or your goblet or your fork or with anything.
• Don't mop your face or beard with a napkin. Draw it across your lips neatly.
• Don't turn your back to one person for the purpose of talking with another, don't talk across the one seated next to you.
• Don't forget that the lady sitting at your side has the first claim upon your attention. A lady at your side must not be neglected whether you have been introduced to her or not.
• Don't talk when your mouth is full. – From “Don’t” by Censor (Oliver Bell Bunce) 1887 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japaneses Dinner Etiquette of 1970

“JAPANESE PLAN-It is etiquette to eat as quickly as possible, but no one starts until the host gives the word. You talk before and after the meal.”

A Japanese meal is a feast for the eyes and has often been called a spectator sport. Variety is the spice of the cuisine: tiny dishes of assorted shapes and sizes and vegetables cut in shapes of maple leaves or flowers and floating in clear soup. Chopsticks rest on a tiny porcelain fan, challenging the visitor to prove himself a social flop.

You'll most likely have sukiyaki, the safe meal to serve foreigners, whom Japanese consider unenthusiastic about raw fish, paste of sea-urchin eggs or broiled eel. Sukiyaki consists of paper-thin beef slices, leeks, yam noodles, Chinese mushrooms, bean curd, spinach and other vegetables, all simmered on the table in a sugar-soy sauce. The food gets better as the juices mix, and it is the perfect party meal, since each person adds and subtracts meat and vegetables to please his personal palate. Japanese dip sukiyaki in beaten raw egg, which cools and coats it deliciously. You don't eat until your host gives the word, and you talk before and after the meal.

Finally, your host takes up his chopsticks and poises them for attack. Itadakimasu (let us begin) is the signal. It is etiquette to eat as quickly as possible, but this is easier said than done if you are inexperienced with chopsticks. Your host will proudly teach you the knack, and most food is bite-size for easier capture. On the other hand, Japanese do own knives and forks nowadays.

Scented Washcloths 

The closest thing to napkins is o-shibori, or scented washcloths, which are iced in summer and steaming in winter. They are served in bamboo baskets before the meal. One is expected to eat noisily. Noodles should be sucked and slurped, and soup bowls raised to your mouth to scoop in vegetables with chopsticks and to drink. Fresh fruits, usually served for dessert, are eaten with miniature knives and forks. The sweet dessert comes before dinner, with the green tea in the western room.

You will have to fight off your hosts when you're full. Negative answers are considered rude in Japan, so instead of “no, thank you,” say, “It's splendid, but” (kekko' des), and you will have to refuse three times. Polite Japanese turn something down twice before accepting.

Don't get up and start clearing the table, for helping is not your role. Praising your hostess's meal will reduce her to embarrassed giggles behind cupped hands, and her husband will deny vehemently that she is a good cook, since it is ill-mannered to praise your family in front of others. She probably won't eat at the table with you; her place is waiting on guests. 

Flavored Toothpicks

At the end of the meal, flavored toothpicks are passed in a tiny lacquer box and operated behind hands held like fans in front of the mouth. By this time, your legs will be paralyzed; but your host will be most understanding, for he will encourage you to stand up and unwind.

Then cigarettes are passed-one brand is called Hope and another, Peace along with ashtrays resembling miniature spittoons and containing water. This is sensible in a land of dust and wind and where wooden houses are floored with tatami.

Conversation will depend on the English ability of your host family. Your greeting of “How are you?” may provoke a blank expression. Most Japanese start studying English at age 13, but they learn it as a dead language, as we approach Latin.

They memorize obscure rules of grammar, but cannot cope with American idioms. Many of their teachers have never visited an English-speaking country or even spoken with a foreigner. – The New York Times, 197

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor to the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia