Ward McAllister’s Society Patriarchs

“We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect.”

There is one rule in life I invariably carry out never to rely wholly on my own judgment, but to get the advice of others, weigh it well and satisfy myself of its correctness, and then act on it. I went in this city to those who could make the best analysis of men; who knew their past as well as their present, and could foresee their future. In this way, I made up an Executive Committee of three gentlemen, who daily met at my house, and we went to work in earnest to make a list of those we should ask to join in the undertaking. 

One of this Committee, a very bright, hit upon the name of Patriarchs for the Association, which was at once adopted, and then, after some discussion, we limited the number of Patriarchs to twenty-five, and that each Patriarch, for his subscription, should have the right of inviting to each ball four ladies and five gentlemen, including himself and family; that all distinguished strangers, up to fifty, should be asked; and then established the rules governing the giving of these balls all of which, with some slight modifications, have been carried out to the letter to this day. The following gentlemen were then asked to become “Patriarchs,” and at once joined the little band:

Ward McAllister’s List of  “Patriarchs” from his book, “Society as I Have Found It”

The object we had in view was to make these balls thoroughly representative; to embrace the old Colonial New Yorkers, our adopted citizens, and men whose ability and integrity had won the esteem of the community, and who formed an important element in society. We wanted the money power, but not in any way to be controlled by it. Patriarchs were chosen solely for their fitness; on each of them promising to invite to each ball only such people as would do credit to the ball. 

We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect. He then stood before the community as a sponsor of his guest, and all society, knowing the offense he had clever man.– Ward McAllister in, “Society as I Have Found It”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gent’s Bathroom and Toilet Etiquette

Though not mentioned in Peter Post’s book, there has been great discussion over the years on social media, and in news, on the correct way to hang roll of toilet paper... Whether the paper should hang down in front or hang in back of the roll. When toilet paper rolls were first patented in 1891, the drawing accompanying the patent shows how to place the toilet paper properly for the greatest ease in using the paper. It’s over the front of the role and hanging down in front. It does not hang in back or underneath.

The Toilet Seat

We now come to the all-important issue of the toilet seat. Here's the scenario: it's three in the morning, and your dream's been pretty good. But now you're awake, and you realize that you really need to go to the bathroom.

You carefully slip out of bed-woe to you if you wake her-and head into the bathroom with one thought: to get your business done and get back to bed. The problem is that now, at the ungodly hour of three A.M., you are facing a crucial etiquette challenge: remembering to put the toilet seat down.

Here are the two transgressions you can make in this befuddled state, in order of their seriousness:

TRANSGRESSION 1- You lift the toilet seat, do your business, and then pad back to bed without putting the seat back down. Maybe you just forgot. Or maybe you were feeling a little lazy. "It's only fair," you think to yourself. "I raised the seat— she can lower it." Wrong. This issue has nothing to do with division of labor. When nature calls at an ungodly hour, and a woman settles sleepily into a sitting position, she expects that seat to be down. Anything other than that is a very rude surprise. Think about it: Would you like to sit on the rim?

TRANSGRESSION 2- You forget to put the seat up before relieving yourself. Remember, it's dark, you're sleepy, and even at high noon your aim isn't always perfectly true. That seat isn't dry and clean as a whistle and your wife rises and heads to the same toilet, frankly, I can think of many other places I'd rather be.

Of course, you know the right thing to do in both situations. But merely knowing isn't enough. There are some tasks that men are absolutely required to perform in order to make life easier and more trouble free for everyone. This is one of them. Sometimes avoiding trou ble is the best reason of all for doing the right thing.

Toilet Paper

No one should have to face this sort of thing first thing in the morning. Only two or three sheets were left on the roll. No spare was in sight, and my wife was blissfully asleep.

We all know what it feels like to be in that situation. As men, we should always make a point of knowing where the spare roll of toilet paper is kept, and bringing that spare roll within arm's reach whenever the current roll starts running low. (Many households keep a spare roll nearby at all times, in a knit cover or in some other convenient container.)

Even better: when the roll actually runs out, don't rely on your wife to pop the new roll into the dispenser, but play the unsung hero and do it yourself.

Personal-Care Items

The bathroom is also the ultimate domestic litmus test for how well you and your partner respect each other's "things" and each other's privacy.

Take toothbrushes, for instance. My toothbrush is mine-it's got my own personal germs on it, and I don't want anyone else's joining them there. Your significant other may feel the same way I do. If you suddenly discover you can't find your own toothbrush, before going ahead and grabbing your wife's you should consider exactly how she's going to feel about someone else using her toothbrush. Even if you really think she won't mind, the considerate thing to do is to check anyway by asking her. A trip to an all-night drugstore or missing one night's brushing is better than time spent patching bruised feelings.

The same goes for all other personal-care products, including hair brushes, razors, lotions, and deodorants. Take the time to fully acquaint yourself with your partner's personal idiosyncrasies in these areas, and respect his or her preferences at all times. Sometimes it's better not to "share."

Privacy

The subject of bathroom privacy is more delicate and somewhat more abstract than other bathroom etiquette issues, but it's no less important. When you're living alone, you can leave the door open while you do whatever is necessary and it won't change the universe one bit. Once you begin living in a shared space, however, a closed door becomes important. This is true when you are using the bathroom yourself, and even more true when your partner is using it. A closed door is an unspoken request for privacy, and it should be honored at all times. — From Peter Post’s, “Essential Manners for Men,” 2003

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Society Wine Etiquette

“The first object to be aimed at is to make your dinners so charming and agreeable, the invitations to them are eagerly sought for, and to let all feel that it is a great privilege to dine at your house, where they are sure there will be only those whom they wish to meet. You cannot instruct people buy a book on how to entertain, though Aristotle is said to have applied his talents to a compilation of a code of laws for the table. Success in entertaining is accomplished by magnetism and tact, which combined constitute social genius. It is the ladder to social success. If successfully done, it naturally creates jealousy.” — Quote from Ward McAllister, in his book, “Society as I Have Found It”

There is no need of having a large cellar of wine in this country, for we Americans are such Arabs, that we are never contented to stay quietly at home and enjoy our country, and our own perfect climate. No sooner have we built a charming residence, including a wine cellar, than we must needs dash off to Europe, to see what the Prince of Wales is doing, so that literally a New Yorker does not live in his New York residence, at most, more than four or five months in the year.

In the other seven or eight, his servants have ample time to leisurely drink up the wine in his cellar, bottle by bottle; therefore, I advise against laying in any large supply of wine. Your wine merchant will always supply you with all wines excepting old clarets; these you must have a stock of; and, as servants do not take to claret, you are comparatively safe in hoarding up a good lot of it. Your old champagnes you can order from London, i.e. a winter's supply, every year, for as they say it will not keep in this climate, you must do so to get it of any age. When sherry becomes old and has been kept some time in glass, they then drink it in Spain as a liqueur.

If you cannot get hold of the best, the very best and finest old Madeira, give up that wine and take to sherry. I have seen sherry that could not be distinguished from Madeira by experts. Again, I have seen a superb sherry bring a hundred dollars a dozen. The most perfect sherry I ever drank was the “Forsyth sherry,” given to Vice-President Forsyth by the Queen of Spain, when he was the American Minister at her Court. I give during dinner a light, delicate, dry Montilla sherry. At dessert, with and after fruit, a fine Amontillado.— Ward McAllister on Wines, in “Society as I Have Found It,” 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

How to Behave With a Royal Duke

The Duke and Duchess of Connaught with Princess Patricia and Prince Arthur– What form of obeisance and address is proper when the Duke of Connaught crosses the line on a friendly visit to a democratic republic constitute questions of supreme importance in high social and diplomatic circles.

PROSPECTS of a visit from a Prince of the Blood Royal disquiet exalted circles in New York and Washington, and these are visibly disturbed in mind and body because they are not quite sure how they should behave in the presence. What form of obeisance and address is proper when the Duke of Connaught crosses the line on a friendly visit to a democratic republic constitute questions of supreme importance in high social and diplomatic circles.

If he comes incognito, that pleasing but transparent fiction involves perplexing exploration of the uncertain field of etiquette. What limits shall society put on its eager homage to a Prince in disguise? What restraint must the polite world impose on the pregnant hinges of the knee? It might even be the less embarrassing were His Royal Highness to come in all the pomp and circumstance attending his exalted station.

Such doubts as these might be sufficiently disturbing, even were they not accentuated by the fear that the duke has been captured by “The Whitelaw Reids.” It is not understood that these are an organized banditti taking bodily possession of a wandering Prince. Quite the contrary. The Reids are a distinguished diplomatic family with eminent social aspirations. But the others are suspicious and fearful lest the Duke be held incommunicado by his supposed captors, with a bodyguard to protect him from the climbers. Altogether the situation is embarrassing and full of doubt.– San Francisco Call, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Modern Manners” and Informalities

Over the past 150 years, modern manners could almost be translated to “modern money” as newly wealthy newcomers were purposely excluded from social groups, until manners could be sufficiently relaxed to allow the newcomers entry into the hierarchy – The kind of politeness that we call “formality”deliberately keeps people apart. Its purpose is partly to prevent prying, and to slow down the process of familiarization in order to give each party time to appraise the other. But apartness creates distinction, so that formality also prevents or defers relationships between two people or two groups who want to be separate, or whose status is hierarchically differentiated. 
Image source, Pinterest

Modern manners increasingly force us to be casual. We have no choice but to comply: the lowering of decorum and the flattening out of what the anthropologist Mary Douglas once called “intricacy” rule us as imperiously as protocol ever did. Politeness, whether formal or informal, has always involved manipulating social distance.

The kind of politeness that we call “formality”deliberately keeps people apart. Its purpose is partly to prevent prying, and to slow down the process of familiarization in order to give each party time to appraise the other. But apartness creates distinction, so that formality also prevents or defers relationships between two people or two groups who want to be separate, or whose status is hierarchically differentiated.

Informal manners, on the other hand, reduce distance; when they consciously impose themselves in opposition to formality, they express scorn for differentiation by status. Where informality reigns, there is less likelihood of either error or criticism. But rules there must be, otherwise there would be no means left of communicating with others or relating to them. — Margaret Visser in “The Rituals of Dinner,” 1991

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette-ful Thoughts on Public Breastfeeding

 Is Breastfeeding in Public

Etiquette-ful?

A reader suggested the subject of breastfeeding in public as the topic of a blog article, her point being that nursing a child is healthy and natural and can’t always be timed to suit other’s schedules or beliefs about their privacy in public spaces.  

Covering the activity with a receiving blanket or nursing coverlet is a respectful gesture, but she believes it is a responsible act to encourage others to rid themselves of prejudices.  

Breastfeeding and Women’s Rights

In the United States and in the United Kingdom, breastfeeding in public is legal. The expanding recognition of women’s rights is, of course, a great thing. However, at the same time, it is notable that there are many emotions and beliefs tied up with the subject of breastfeeding in public.

In the UK a law intended to give protection to mothers nursing in public has made it “illegal to record images of or otherwise observe breastfeeding without consent or a reasonable belief to consent.”  It specifies, however, that to be found guilty, the perpetrator “must be acting for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification or of humiliating, alarming or distressing the victim.”

Some businesses and public places provide separate, private spaces for mothers to nurse their children to keep a distance from the general population and give a more comfortable environment for moms and little ones.

Perceptions on Breastfeeding in Public

There are little – and large – biases we all will discover in ourselves, and some we might wish we didn’t have. Some people have visceral reactions to seeing a mother breastfeeding her child in public, even though while doing so she is well-covered. Others identify with it and applaud the practice for younger babies, but differ in feelings when a child is older and still nursing. 

Some openly share their regrets about the intolerance of others, while at the same time, many women believe that the mother and baby are engaging in more than mere feeding and that privacy and bonding would prevent them, personally, from nursing in public. Family customs and traditions call for explicit modesty during the feeding times. Many believe that for some it can be shocking to those who associate the breast with a sexual connotation. And still others have the opinion that it seems too personal, private, and intimate an activity to expose to public view.  

In Adam Smith’s, Theory of Moral Sentiments, Smith indicates that certain strong feelings, though natural, require privacy. “Some passions, though perfectly natural, may invoke little or no immediate sympathy in others, and may even appear in some measure ridiculous.”  

The etiquette question I leave you with today, given that a nursing mother is freer to choose to nurse her child in the open than ever before is, should she?  

Etiquette-fulness asks us to grow in understanding differing and complex emotional and aesthetic sensibilities.  While at the same time, etiquette guides us to consider the comfort levels of the people in our vicinity.  How this applies to breastfeeding in public is an individual choice.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

19th C. Concert Etiquette

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions…

Of Concerts

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side of them. 

One should observe the most profound silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton for a gentleman to stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves attentively, if he knows how to read music.

We ought also, after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of thanks. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dining Requisites

The Gilded Age table often required numerous utensils for dining and serving. A souvenir spoon from Baltimore, featuring a turtle, or terrapin, is on the far left of this assortment – The fancy for collecting “souvenir”spoons, one at a time, suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons with out feeling the burden of the expense. Yet, on the other hand, these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price being paid for the “idea;” but the expenditure is worth while to those who value historical associations.

China, Glassware, Cutlery, Silverware, etc... 

Chinaware for the dinner service should be of good quality. Fashions in china decoration are not fixed; the fancy of the hour is constantly changing, but a matched set is eminently proper for the dinner table, leaving the “harlequin” china for luncheons and teas. In the latter style, the aim is to have no two pieces alike in decoration, or at least, to permit an unlimited variety; a fashion that is very convenient when large quantities of dishes are liable to be needed. But for a dinner served in orderly sequence, the orderly correspondence of a handsome “set” seems more in keeping. But even with this, the harlequin idea may come in with the dessert; fruit plates, ice-cream sets, after-dinner coffees, etc., may display any number of fantasies in shape and coloring.

Artistic glassware is a very handsome feature of table furnishing. Carafes and goblets for water are always needed at dinner; wine glasses, possibly; and the serving of fruits and bon-bons gives opportunity to display the most brilliant cut-glass, or its comparatively inexpensive substitutes, which are scarcely less pretty in effect. Fine glass is infinitely more elegant than common plated-ware, and though more liable to breakage is less trouble to keep in order. The best dinner-knife is of steel, of good quality, with handle of ivory, ebony, or silver. Silver plated knives are much used; they do not discolor so readily as steel, and are easily kept polished. They answer the purpose for luncheon, but they rarely have edge enough to be really serviceable at dinner or breakfast.

Many people who own solid silverware store it away in bank vaults and use its facsimile in quadruple plate, and thus escape the constant dread of a possible burglar. For the sense of security that it gives, one may value the finest quality of plated ware, but it should be inconspicuous in style and not too profuse in quantity, since its utility, rather than its commercial value, should be suggested. Any ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar. But one may take a pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver. Every ambitious housekeeper will devise ways of securing, little by little, if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.

The simplest table takes on dignity when graced with these “sterling” accompaniments. The fancy for collecting “souvenir”spoons, one at a time, suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons with out feeling the burden of the expense. Yet, on the other hand, these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price being paid other hand, these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price being paid for the “idea;” but the expenditure is worth while to those who value historical associations. One may find in the silver-basket salient reminders of all important epochs in our national life, a sort of primer of United States history, to say nothing of the innumerable “souvenirs” of Europe. Its subtle testimony to the intelligent taste of its owner gives the " souvenir collection its chief “touch of elegance.”

The towering “castor,” once the central glory of the dinner table, is out of style. The condiments are left on the sideboard, and handed from there in case any dish requires them, the supposition being that, as a rule, the several dishes are properly seasoned before they are served. Individual salt-cellars are placed on the table, and may be accompanied with salt spoons; if these are omitted, it is understood that the salt-cellar is emptied and refilled each time that it is used. On the family dinner-table the condiment line is not so severely drawn; vinegar in cut glass cruets, mustard in Satsuma pots, and individual “peppers”— in silver, china, or glass, and of quaint designs are convenient and allowable.

A table covered with white damask, overlaid with sparkling china and cut-glass, and reflecting the white light of polished silver, is a pretty but lifeless sight. Add one magic touch— the centre-piece of flowers and the crystallized beauty — wakes to organic life. In arranging the modern dinner-table, when the service is to be à la Russe, floral decorations are almost indispensable. Without something attractive for the eye to rest upon, the desert stretch of linen looks like the white ghost of famine mocking the feast.

The shape of the table, the available space, and the nature of the occasion decide the quantity and distribution of the flowers. It is a matter in which wide latitude is given to individual taste and ingenuity, original designs and odd conceits being always in order, subject only to the law of appropriateness.

For a square or extra wide table a large centre piece, either round or oblong, is usually chosen, with endless varieties in its component arrangement. It may be low and flat, like a floral mat, in the middle of the table, or it may be a lofty epergne, or an interlacing of delicate vine-wreathed arches, or a single basket of feathery maidenhair fern-—in fact, anything that is pretty and which the inspiration of the moment may suggest. —Agnes H. Morton, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Boarding House Etiquette Humor

There are so many humorous news articles and so much ephemera on Boarding House manners and etiquette, living in one must have been challenging to those well versed in proper behavior. The above is from a late-1800’s post card. — “One of the refinements of table etiquette, in a boarding-bouse, is to inform the Landlady and your fellow-boarders when you've had enough to eat. The most delicate and approved manner of doing this is to tilt yourself back in the chair, spread your feet, yawn, stretch yourself, with both arms in the air, and wind up with a hearty grunt. Any gentleman who perfects himself in the practice of these rules of table etiquette would feel at home at a royal banquet at the court of St. James.”

The following observations concerning table etiquette in boarding-houses are worth committing to memory: 

ENTERING THE ROOM

If the door is ordinarily kept open, slam it shut after you ; if ordinarily kept closed, always leave it open. While approaching your place, regulate your gait so that you can carefully inspect every dish on the table before reaching your chair.

TAKING YOUR SEAT. 

In jerking out your chair, always knock it against another. If you're hungry; or in a great hurry, set your chair two teet from the table, so that you may get your mouth within four inches of your plate, and shovel the food in without loss of time. If you're not hungry , or not in a hurry, draw your chair close, so that you may rest both elbows on the table. In either case, if a lady occupies an adjoining seat, never fail to put one leg of your chair upon her skirts — it will attract her attention toward you as she rises.

GETTING HELPED AND HELPING YOURSELF. 

Presuming you are hungry— waste no time in recognizing the landlady, or any of your fellow-boarders but keep your eye on the waiters and call for two of them, at least. The instant you get soup, order fish; and when the fish is brought, order two kinds of meat — on different plates. (Something might give out, you know.) If you are smart, you can generally manage to help yourself to vegetables. The strong point on vegetables is to keep a dish of each within reaching distance; but sometimes you have to watch mighty close to preserve the best arranged semi-circle of vegetable dishes. 

If you are so unfortunate as to be beyond the reach of a castor, you must resort to strategy, and get a bottle from one and another, until you surround your plate with the desirable assortment of condiments. Never take salt from the cellar and put it on the table cloth, or upon the edge of your plate ; but dip your celery and meat into the main supply; this observation invests salt-cellars with a peculiar interest. Always be first in calling for dessert, lest you lose the chance of securing a double supply.

HOW TO EAT. 

The art of getting enough to eat, where there is a promiscuous assemblage of ladies and gentlemen, depends largely upon your skill in handling the knife and fork, and the capacity of your guzzle for unmasticated food. The latter qualification is a natural gift; but the knife and fork business, being entirely mechanical, any one who will keep his elbows six inches above the table and four inches (half the diameter of a dinner plate) inside the edge, will soon acquire freedom of motion and great proficiency in the use of those invaluable implements.

MISCELLANEOUS. 

Newspapers are allowable at the breakfast table, provided the reader turns his back toward one neighbor and puts his feet on the chair-rounds of the other. If no ladies are present except the landlady (and she is never a lady), it is preferable to draw a castor before you and tilt your paper against it. You can then swallow the news with your buckwheat cakes. 

Since two-pronged steel forks have got out of fashion, tooth-picking has become an embarrassing operation to those who have teeth. The prongs of the modern forks are too thick for the purpose and it has become necessary to resort to your pocket-knife, or incur the expense of carrying a quill. Some vulgarians are in the habit of taking a quill toothpick out of their pockets “on the sly,” and, concealing it in the hand, they relieve a suffering tooth without opening the mouth or attracting attention. This is barbarous. 

When you pick your teeth, everybody's attention should be directed to the occasion. You should either open your mouth wide, and use a penknife, or take a quill in one hand and raise a napkin to your nose with the other, as a flag of distress. 

One of the refinements of table etiquette, in a boarding-bouse, is to inform the landlady and your fellow-boarders when you've had enough to eat. The most delicate and approved manner of doing this is to tilt yourself back in the chair, spread your feet, yawn, stretch yourself, with both arms in the air, and wind up with a hearty grunt. Any gentleman who perfects himself in the practice of these rules of table etiquette would feel at home at a Royal banquet at the Court of St. James. – Sacramento Daily Union, 1872

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Candlelit Dining

Colorful, unscented candles can enhance the look of an Al Fresco dining setting, while ivory or white are best for indoor, more formal dining. — “Candlelight makes anybody look more attractive, including the gentleman himself. As with flowers, candles should be positioned so that they are not an obstacle or a safety hazard. The gentleman lights them just before serving the salad course, and he makes sure to snuff them out before leaving the table. (When snuffing out candles, he cups one hand behind the flame, to prevent hot wax from spattering across the table and onto his guest.)”

About Flowers and Candles

When a gentleman hosts a romantic dinner for two in his own home, fresh flowers and the soft glow of candles enhance his table. But the flowers need to be an asset to the table, not an obstruction. He arranges them in a low vase or bowl, so they don't prevent him from making eye contact with his guest. A gentleman shies away from overly aromatic blooms such as heavy-scented lilies, which can overpower even the strongest passion.

Candlelight makes anybody look more attractive, including the gentleman himself. As with flowers, candles should be positioned so that they are not an obstacle or a safety hazard. The gentleman lights them just before serving the salad course, and he makes sure to snuff them out before leaving the table. (When snuffing out candles, he cups one hand behind the flame, to prevent hot wax from spattering across the table and onto his guest.)

In order to make sure that his candles can be easily lit, a clever host tests them ahead of time, letting them burn for a few minutes so that some of the wax slides away from the wick.— From “A Gentleman at the Table,” John Bridges and Bryan Curtis, 2004

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners Are For Any Sexual Identity

In 2005, Miss Manners tackled gay-etiquette. (Hint… It’s pretty much the same as ordinary etiquette!)  “Dear Miss Manners, What am I supposed to say when I am introduced to a homosexual couple?” “Gentle Reader, ‘How do you do?’ And ‘How do you do?’”

Gay Etiquette for the New Dark Ages

Minding your p’s, q’s and Queers with Miss Manners

From “Out There” 

by Roberto Friedman

Of all the many syndicated columns and features the popular papers depend upon to fill up their column inch es, ever-so-polite Out There's in disputable favorite has always been the unfussy “Miss Manners,” written by the impeccable etiquet tist Judith Martin. Now a “freshly updated” new edition of Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (W.W. Norton, $35) has arrived on our desk, and OT has spent many an idle mo ment thumbing through its pages – with white gloves on, of course. 

The niceties and no-no’s of social intercourse are all here, conveniently organized under headings like, “Table Manners for Particular (and Ornery) Foods” and, “Electronic Communication (Personal)- The Itinerant Telephone.” There are 858 pages of good advice, dispensed with wit and economy, on all sorts of heterosexual rites. There are charming illustrations (by Gloria Kamen) with amusing captions like, “The Awfuls Consider Becoming Perfect.” But a quick consultation of the book's index under “gay” first directs us to “see homosexuals” (oh we do, we do), then offers up only three, count 'em three, etiquette questions which concern us inverts. 

We present one of them in its delicious entirety:

“Dear Miss Manners, What am I supposed to say when I am introduced to a homosexual couple?” 

“Gentle Reader, ‘How do you do?’ And, ‘How do you do?’”

We [heart] Miss M's succinct way of pointing out good sense and common civility. She has the best of manners, leavened by a knowing and very modern sense of humor. For example, the second time gays crop up in a gentle reader's inquiry concerns bedroom assignments when a father's gay son brings his boyfriend along for a weekend visit with the parental units. Gentle Reader explains, “I am unsure if the boys want to share a room, or if this arrangement will be uncomfortable to my wife. I don't want to raise an issue if there isn't one, so my solution is to make up both guest rooms and let my son decide, and let my wife know that this should be our son's decision.”

Out There intimate activities of one’s adult guests always leads to disaster, even when the hosts are the parents of the houseguests. In other words, you can assign people separate rooms, but you can not insist that they stay in them after dark.

The third and final instance of homos in this annals of manners concerns lesbian partners of 26 years fretting needlessly over their straight daughter’s wedding plans. “If mom walks our daughter down the aisle, how should I as mom #2 enter with the wedding party?”

“How you assigned yourself to be ‘mom #2’ in this regard, you do not say,” Miss Manners replies with equanimity, “but it might also be fitting for you both to give away the bride.”

Our favorite non-gay-specific gems of advice include the proper way to eat a slice of pizza. “This may be lowered into the mouth by hand, small end of the triangle first, taking care that the strings of cheese also arrive in the mouth.” Yes, please attend to those cheese strands, we can visualize them and don't want to.

Good advice for us winos, erm we mean “wine aficionados,” follows the question, “When wine is ordered by the glass and I have not emptied the glass when an other is served, what do I do?” “Gentle Reader: Have you thought of not ordering a second glass until you I have finished the first?”

On the topic of those ubiquitous “itinerant telephones,” Miss M observes the tendency of bulletins barked on these phones to be of the very important, “Hi, I'm on the bus, I'll be there in 5 minutes” variety. “Miss Manners is astonished that so many people appear to be on parole, and that parole is so strict. It is apparently no longer a question of checking in at set periods, but of not being permitted to make a move without simultaneously reporting it.”

Paging through this veritable orgy of good, old-fashioned etiquette has OT day-dreaming about writing our own advice column on the side. “Dear Mister Man[nerd],” our not-so-gentle reader would write in. “When is it proper to interrupt a panicked columnist on deadline in order to exhort him or her to publicize my gay second cousin's upcoming one-man show about growing up asthmatic, Armenian, big-boned and a big sissy in the Northwest Territories, working title: Yukon!?”

“Gentle Reader: On the 21st of Never.” Miss Manners quite wisely replies. –“Out There” in the Bay Area Reporter,2005

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “B”-ing

Be Plucky. The faint-hearted rarely know what it is to win place and power.

A Swarm of Household B's

in Six Brief Texts and a Half-Dozen Short Sermons

1. Be Honest. “Honesty is the best policy,” Quixotically speaking.
2. Be Plucky. The faint-hearted rarely know what it is to win place and power.
3. Be Earnest. Be earnest in doing good and just as earnest in not doing anything bad.
4. Be Watchful of yourself as well as of others, for “all will bear watching.”
5. Be Patient, and don't allow impatient folks to draw away your own stock of patience.
6. Be Content. If “a contented mind is a continual feast,” be careful not to go hungry from discontent. — Good Housekeeping, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Menu Etiquette

“Escargots” sounds more palatable than “snails,” oui? – For well over a century and a half, the etiquette has been that formal dinner menu cards in the United States are to be written in French. This rule remains in many etiquette books today, although White House State Dinners, under the Clinton Administration, dropped the French menu terminology in the 1990’s and began listing the foods in English.

 French Food Names

It is unfortunate that a prejudice exists against the high-sounding names given to some delicious dishes of a simple character. Naturally, Americans would prefer to see all titles written in the English language, but the fact that a French name has been applied for convenience should not deter people from reading a receipt and ascertaining the nature of the dish to be made by following it. Most of the formidable titles with which one meets, have been given to commemorate the inventors of the dishes or some popular place. An example is “Fillet of beef à la Chateaubriand,” which stands for tenderloin steak, served with a rich, brown sauce – an excellent dish. 

One of the most delicious sauces for fish, Bechamel sauce, is probably not nearly so well known as it would be, but for its French name; yet it is simple and exceedingly useful. As said above, then, a foreign name should be no bar to experiments, for the English equivalent or interpretation might be absurdly long and complicated, and the dish would be none the simpler. 

Speaking of sauce brings to mind the old saying, that “the sauce makes the pudding.” It may be added that it makes the fish and meat, also. Fish always requires a sauce to bring out its best flavor; nevertheless, the art of making sauces is not extensively cultivated. It should be, in company with the making of soups and salads and good bread, the cooking of fish, meats and vegetables, and last, though certainly not least, the making of a cup of perfect tea or coffee.— Good Housekeeping, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Most Etiquette is Common Sense

In ordinary social life, matters of precedence have been reduced to a few sane and very sensible rules—the first of which is “Ladies first!” There are only a few exceptions to this rule. When ascending or descending stairs the woman goes first, unless there is danger of tripping or falling, or if there are several heavy doors to be opened, such as in going from one car of a train to another. 

MANNERS, or etiquette, or whatever name you wish to call our general behavior, has changed a great deal since the days of our grandparents. I am very glad, for I never could remember all the silly little formalities that the young bride was supposed to have learned by the time she left the church door. In court life, or in our own army and navy life there are certain rules of precedence that must be observed. Why one should call first on the C.O.’s wife is more than I can tell, but it must be done. However, in ordinary social life, matters of precedence have been reduced to a few sane and very sensible rules—the first of which is “Ladies first!” There are only a few exceptions to this rule. When ascending or descending stairs the woman goes first, unless there is danger of tripping or falling, or if there are several heavy doors to be opened, such as in going from one car of a train to another. 

In going in and out of a restaurant the woman always precedes, but in getting out of a car, the man alights first and offers his hand to the woman to assist her. At the theater we find one of the exceptions to the rule. When there are tickets of admission, the person with the tickets always goes first. If it is a man, he goes down the aisle first, then stands aside and the woman enters first—by the way, the woman never takes the aisle seat when she is with a man. This is a carry-over from the old days when rowdies often made sitting on the aisle a precarious thing to do. In leaving, the woman precedes the man up the aisle. When two couples enter the theater together, the woman who is to have the farthest seat goes first, then the man who is to sit beside her. In boxes at the theater or football game the hostess takes the least desirable seat, giving the best view to the oldest guest, or to the guest of honor. 

Of course, at a circus, or a children’s performance, the children take the front seats. The bride issues at home cards and does not call until others have called upon her. A newcomer waits for her neighbors to call on her. If you glance over these rules, you’ll see that most of them are just common sense. If you just remember that it’s “Ladies first,” unless there is some reason, such as high-ranking title, or dangerous stairs or heavy doors, you shouldn’t encounter any difficulties. I wish that if you get stuck with any small problems, you’d write me. Maybe I can help straighten them out. – Deborah Ames, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When Emily’s Etiquette Ditched Chaperones

“He says that Emily Post now writes that you can dine at his place as long as your self-respect and reputation remain intact. He asked can you be there at 6:00?”– Mrs. Post has not been content to chop away an outmoded custom here, and relax a hidebound convention there. She has almost thrown the old edition out the window and written a new one. Mrs. Post now accepts practices which would have created a national furore had she sponsored them two decades ago. For example: a young woman may dine alone with a young man in his bachelor flat (providing, of course, she is positive that neither her reputation nor her self-respect will be damaged thereby). 

Emily Post Yields to Modernity: Even Chaperone Is Now Ditched

NEW YORK. Sept. 9, (UPI) Emily Post, who put etiquette on a paying basis back in 1922, is bending a social knee to the behavior of our times. The famous authority on good manners has rewritten completely her earlier standards to comply with a changing world. For 16 years Mrs. Post’s blue-covered book has been the final appeal on what constitutes gentility and good taste. But a new generation has so kicked over the traces of horse and buggy days gentility that Mrs. Post has been forced to give ground. This she does, reluctantly but gracefully, in a new edition of “Etiquette, the Blue Book of Social Usage,” published today by Funk and Wagnalls. 

Mrs. Post has not been content to chop away an outmoded custom here, and relax a hidebound convention there. She has almost thrown the old edition out the window and written a new one. Mrs. Post now accepts practices which would have created a national furore had she sponsored them two decades ago. For example: a young woman may dine alone with a young man in his bachelor flat (providing, of course, she is positive that neither her reputation nor her self-respect will be damaged thereby). 

No Chaperones . . . The author flatly consigns chaperones to the ash heap, concluding that a girl’s best chaperone is the training she has received before she makes her debut. She even goes so far as to say that when a college boy hangs his fraternity pin on a co-ed, it may be accepted as a formal engagement of marriage. And that, as Mrs. Post almost allows herself to admit, is quite a social jump from 1920. Actually, the theme of Mrs. Post’s social dicta now is not rigid formality, but informal comfort. Just about anything that is sensible and practical and inoffensive, is (to use a word not in Mrs. Post’s vocabulary) okay. And a young modern who cannot afford either a maid or a banquet, can with decorum invite her friends to “supper” instead of dinner, and toss them up hash and scrambled eggs. It'd be “de rigeur,” so to speak. 

The Woman Can Pay . . . Here are a few other new standards of etiquette: It is permissible for a woman to pay the dinner check when she dines with a man, if he is indigent and she has money. It’s proper for a girl to attend, unchaperoned, a fraternity house party and stay overnight in the fraternity house if the occasion is a time-honored festival on the campus. (But she should take only one suitcase.) It is correct to leave a party early in order to go home and listen to a favorite radio program. 

Smoking Etiquette . . . Trends of the times can be seen in a chapter on smoking etiquette, on motoring manners, and even in a section on short ocean cruises. There's also a discussion of the young man’s problem when he’s invited to parties where he knows the bridge stakes will be high, or where he'll be roped in for theater tickets after dinner. Young man, the thing to do in that case, is to decline the invitation. 

Mrs. Post still clings to a few positive “dont’s.” Her formal dinner is as stiff-shirted as ever. Her big wedding, her coming out party, her little niceties about correspondence, are as pat as formerly. People still may not smoke at dinner, unless the hostess has signified her permission by placing cigarettes on the table. And no lady smokes on the street, even yet.– 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid-20th C. Etiquette and the Sexes

(1.) Good etiquette, for a man, is what ever makes a woman feel more like a woman, without making her feel weak minded. (2.) Good etiquette, for a woman, is whatever makes a man feel more like a man, without making him feel more harassed and put upon then he normally does anyway. 

Lady Chatterly’s Mistress: Men and Women and What to Do About It 

The subject of men and women versus etiquette is absolutely fraught with sex, which is as it should be. It is a good thing from other standpoints, too, for the fact greatly simplifies the approach to this chapter. 

1. Good etiquette, for a man, is what ever makes a woman feel more like a woman, without making her feel weak minded. 
2. Good etiquette, for a woman, is whatever makes a man feel more like a man, without making him feel more harassed and put upon then he normally does anyway. 

These are the touchstones, then, against which to test any puzzling point of intersexual etiquette, whether in the elevator* or in the bed. For today, with each sex doing so many of the same things, and push buttons doing most of the rest, both men and women need occasional reminders as to which team they're on. 

It has come to my attention that some people have, as a matter fact, forgotten. That is, some men would rather act like women, and some women would rather act like men, which makes for a certain confusion. But several books have already been written about this, so I won't need to go into it. This chapter will concern itself only with the old-fashioned clear-cut kind of people, of whom there are still many around. It will not concern itself, however, with the sex appeal factor (except in so far as it becomes as a happy side effect of observing points 1 and 2.) 

Lady writers in particular are always advising other women on how to attract men: 14 ways to up your sex appeal**. And it is a curious fact that these pieces are often read and followed even by women who don't want any more sex appeal – say a woman who has so much already that she is in perpetual hot water, or a woman who privately considers the whole thing a great nuisance and doesn't really want to get to where all that sex appeal would probably lead her. Like a vegetarian going to a great deal of trouble to make friends with the butcher. 

At any rate, before upsetting your applecart to do things those articles recommend. It's wise to take a look at the men attracted to the lady writer who is touting her own wiles. Of course, you seldom get a chance to – although, just once, I did. I met a couple of the men this charm expert had attracted, herself, and decided I'd sooner draw flies. So each to his own, and you can never tell.  

Actually, and the glorious fact is that everyone – flat-chested or bulbous,silent or talkative, rosy or sallow, tiny or tall – everyone appeals to someone, as a cursory glance at one's married friends will attest. 

But who can make the rules? Some men think sultry perfume is sex appealing; others like a fresh soap and water smell, like a little child's clean hair. Some women find a male mustache fetching; some find it scratchy. Many people haven't the slightest idea what they want until they marry it, or till they don't marry it and wish they had. 

So let's get down to where the work is – right into the etiquette of going out together and being out together – before we go on to the matter of living together, around the house and in the bedroom. (Most etiquette books never get into the bedroom, but this one will, because, after all, a great deal of etiquette takes place there, or ought to.) 

Before getting mired in some minor details (what woman actually cares much whether a man is on the outside or the inside of an ordinary suburban sidewalk?), we 'll look at some basics: for one thing, the etiquette of the invitation proffered female by the male. 

To hear your apt to get some real sparklers: “Want to go anywhere tonight, hon?” Or, “Nothing special you want to do, is there?” these approaches don't make a woman feel womanly, they make her feel either apathetic or domineering. (Now she'll have to think of something.) 

What she would vastly prefer is the approach of a high school boy I know. He phones a girl and says, “I'm going to go see that Western at the Paramount tonight. Want to come?” If she doesn't, fine. He'll call somebody else. This lad will go far. 

Some men would counter my thesis here with “yes, but she never wants to do what I want to do.” But this probably isn't so. If he clearly and enthusiastically wants to do it enough, she usually will – that is, if they like each other, and if they don't, what are we talking about? 

Anyway, many women like men to fight harder for their rights. There's too much male docility around, these days, and it's taking a lot of fizz out of the battle between the sexes. Take the matter of who was supposed to go first. 

Well, he is. Nearly every time. Common sense says so, and so does present-day etiquette, although many men have Ladies First so firmly wedged into their heads they often hang back when they shouldn't.  

Women like men to go first. After all, the farmer walking six feet ahead of his wife across the cow pasture showed native gallantry, even when she was carrying the cow. He was blazing the trail around ditches and other unpleasant things she might have stepped in. A woman doesn't mind doing a little toting, so long as he will pioneer. 

(If ever saw a well-meaning man trying to get a woman through a revolving door headed him without knocking her hat off and her teeth in , you saw good example of misguided manners. He should have gone through first. Then she'd have followed, on his push.) 

Look at some other instances: he goes up a ladder first, for reasons of delicacy and so you can give her an assist at the top. He gets into a cab first, so she need'nt scoot across the wide backseat to make room for him. Scooting is easier for someone and trousers. He goes first down a train corridor because it's going to take biceps to open those stubborn doors between the cars. 

If he has no biceps, this will develop them. He goes first down the theater if there's no usher. (If there is, she goes first, close to the wandering pool of light from the ushers torch.) He goes first into a dark nightclub. This could be a nasty bistro, and he'd better lead the way. He goes first into a restaurant, it's no maître d' is there to greet them. Masterfully he finds a table. 

He climbs into a bus or streetcar first, to help her up. He gets off first, to help her down – unless it's crowded and she's nearest the door, in which case she'll just have to keep her eyes open and her wits about her and move.

An exception is escalators. Here she should go first – and she usually does, automatically, because she's on a high lope for the Dress Sale on Three. But he's supposed to be behind, anyway, to catch her if she slips. 

Finally, he gets off a crowded elevator first if he's nearest the door. Women prefer this to being squashed by his gallantly hanging back. He should just get out. It's all quite simple, you see. He goes first when ever that's easier or safer for her.  

Sometimes a man finds it hard to play his proper role with aplomb or even with good will. I asked a worldly man I know what annoys him most in the area of women and etiquette. After considerable thought, he said, “the woman who takes me for a salaried doorman when I hold the door for her in a public building.” He thought some more. “And,” he added, “the forty women right behind her who know a good thing when they see it.”

Then, too, when a woman slams full tilt into a man and waits for him to apologize, or hogs the middle of the escalator step so no one can get around her, or forgets that her umbrella points on the average male's eye level, or that her free swinging 10 pound pocketbook is a first-class battering ram – Well, she does her cause no good, for men find it hard to be gallant to a Sherman tank. But many men would enjoy being more courtly, it women would make it easier. 

“... Pleasant as they have been, my years in the United States whatever more agreeable if American women had allowed me to kiss their hands... Despite my frustration, I still regard the kissing of a woman's hand as one of those small courtesies necessary for the preservation of the essential margin between men and women, which makes them both, in different ways, superior to each other and, therefore, again in different ways, and on a higher level, truly equal.” -Romain Gary 

Which isn't to say that she should be an entirely fragile blossom. Take modern car doors. Automotive companies pay high-priced talent to design latches that open at the touch of a pinky, and so Antoinnette might as well use hers. Or, if that is just more than she can bring herself to do, a man can correctly reach across her to open it for her. 

A great deal of trivia has crept into intersexual etiquette, and that's a fact. For instance a man – saith the etiquette book – mustn't walk between two women, except when the Trio crosses a street. But if he's the only man they've got why mustn't he? The book says it's because he'd have to turn his face away from one of them in speaking to the other. But this isn't so terrible. Maybe each of the ladies enjoys having a man beside her, and if he weren't, she'd feel like Orphan Annie. Did they ever look at it that way? 

Also, a man isn't supposed to take a woman's arm, and except when crossing the street. But if she is wearing spike heels, or if it is spring (as or summer, autumn, or winter) and they are in love, he certainly may. That's what this book says.

“A now famous Hollywood actor reveals his lower white-collar origins every time he sits down. He pulls up his trousers to preserve the crease.” – Vance Packard

Consider Men's Hatiquette. It's simple, but many words have been wasted on it. Actually, all that matters is that he make sure his hat* is off whenever there's a roof or ceiling overhead – except for long covered thoroughfares like public halls and terminals, and in the Jewish Temple, and on special ceremonial or costumed occasions.

Elevators are a moot point. Taking off his hat is a gracious gesture. But in a closed-packed elevator it can create more distress then joy you must elbow people and knock their hats off in the process.

He never has to take his hat off in the street, unless the flag goes by or stops. Not when a lady goes by or stops. The merest flick of the brim will suffice. And if it's a raw day, practical intersexual etiquette demands that he keep it securely on. Should he catch cold in his sinuses, some woman will probably have to nurse him or put up with him, and thus he has'nt proved to be so gallant in the long run. 

MEN AND WOMEN IN RESTAURANTS 

“If men dine alone, 10 men together, how they dress*** I really don't mind. I'm not there. But if a man takes me out to dinner, I like him to smell of a nice soap, to wear his best suit, maybe a black tie, so that I can wear my nice little dress. I will know then he has kindness of heart, he has said to himself, ‘I will make a little effort so that she can look her best’.” – Louise De Vilmorin

Her point is well taken. Then, there are a few things she should remember, as well, and I am sure she does.

For one, not to keep him waiting too long before they even start out, while she decides that her makeup base is too light or her stockings too, well, purplish or something, and changes them. In most fair to good restaurants these days you need a miner's cap to read the menu by, anyway. Ten gets you twenty the man you're with won't notice what color stockings you're wearing, if any, but he'll certainly notice the three cigarettes he had to smoke while he waited.

She should carry the minimum equipment. If she knows she'll need a complete ballot and ring job by mid-evening, it's simpler to bring along a veil. I know a girl who tapes a lipstick, a dime, and a folded dollar bill above her knee (is she could slip them into her bra too) before she goes dining and dancing. This makes great sense – no swollen velvet pouch to end up in a man's pocket and make him heavy on his feet, or hers. (Of course, a girl must carry a small bag she is lost without Compact, cigarettes, and so forth. But it should have a wrist strap or loop, so she can wear it while she dances.)

As for mad money, you don't hear much about these days, a charge account at a cab company can be handy. It is a no-host evening, she won't need much money along, either. Sonia Goodkid always hands Bill Youngenbroke her contribution before they leave. Or if it is entirely her celebration, she'll have stopped in earlier and arranged with the restaurant to bill her later. (However, she better watch her step with this routine, or Bill will get the habit, and first thing you know, she'll be putting him through med school.)

A working girl, at any age in any job, pays for own lunch when she lunches with a man. Or, at any rate, she is expected to, unless this is a budding office romance (as most wives will assume it is, if their spouses lunch money starts disappearing with twice its usual feverish rapidity). She can give him a few dollars before they go into the restaurant – for her share of the bill – and hope she gets her change back.

Or, if she knows he isn't sensitive about these things – and there's no reason he should be, at a business lunch – she can simply pay her own check and leave her own tip. Either way.

By the way, these financial matters should always be clearly understood all around, whether the situation is business or social. A woman I know gave a lavish restaurant party for three couples – she had been visiting in the city and this was the only way she could return their royal hospitality. The champagne flowed; she urged upon them the pressed duckling, the grapes after the fashion of Suzette, the brandy; and her guests needed little urging. Finally, when she asked for the check, it developed that one of the gentleman had already paid it. She protested, but he was adamant. All she could do was send him a note and a gift – a desk clock, it was. He owned to already, but she still feels indebted to her friends.

The worst female restaurant menace, according to men is the woman who stops to chat – standing – with acquaintances at another table. A man feels ungentlemanly if he doesn't rise, and uncomfortable if he can't sit down immediately thereafter. A sweet smile from the lady, and a brisk hello, are sufficient, before she strides on. If she has to say something, she can send a note by the waiter.

Finally, to the matter of ordering. This is a male prerogative. Giving the order to the waiter will – back to our original touchstone – somewhat build the male ego, if he is knowledgeable about these things, and cares. But not if he isn't and doesn't. He'll properly consider it's not worth the effort, if the menu is abstruse, or if the lady shuffles nervously from Crab Thermidor to the Lamb Chops, with a short but dramatic pause at the Curry Indienne along the way. If she can see her way clear, or if she wants to discuss sauces with the waiter, she'd better do her own ordering.

If there are more than two people at the table, each had better order. The hosts usually can't remember all that. Like a wraparound skirt in a high wind, the whole thing is apt to blow up.

And so to a few rough notes on the Social Gathering, as it concerns men and women, and etiquette.

It is true that a man gets gold stars on a ladies ledger – which cancel some of the black marks on his rap sheet – when he tells her how pretty she looks ( or handsome or well put together, as the case may be) before they go to a party, or while they are en route. But he gets double credit for telling her once they get there, for then it has twice the impact. The reason is this: Before she leaves home, a woman is tolerably satisfied with how she looks (or she wouldn't have left). Indeed, she is often delighted with her appearance – the naked black basic, the company face – wholly different from the rather soul – shattering reflection the mirror handed her early that morning. But once they arrive, her innocent glory is apt to be dimmed by all the other naked black basics and company faces, which in her excitement she had forgotten would be there. At this point, especially, she must know how she stacks up, this is the time to tell her.

Still, this is a minor point. A major one – or, to put it another way, what makes women the maddest – is the male tendency to herd together, drinking and talking shop. Many a woman asked for it, with her crossfire chitchat about purely female concerns, which drives the man perforce into the tall timber where the bottle is. But many a woman who doesn't ask for it gets it, too, which can have unhappy repercussions. After all, she didn't put on her company face and her nice little dress just to swap tatting patterns with Irene and Thelma. She'd be glad to do it for a while, mind you, but not all night.

The fact is that the virtuous housewife – if she doesn't work outside the house – sees and talks to few males alone, except for the milkman and the little old codger in the Blanket Department twice a year at White Sales. And this party – she thought – would be a chance to shine a little, showing a few pretty facets that may have rested a bit at the kitchen sink. If she doesn't get to go – if, on the contrary, she goes home feeling like the little woman in the tight permanent, with a pocket full of tuna recipes – she'll feel like kicking the cat.

This sorry state of affairs, with the sexes is getting no practice in attracting and interesting each other, is often reflected in a certain lackluster performance in the bedroom, particularly where our heroine is concerned. Nothing has come alive for her, including herself, though the moon shine ne'er so brightly over the cow shed. 

* “An almost outmoded grace that still thrills me actually is to have a man take his hat off an elevator when I enter. It makes me feel feminine and cherished – makes me feel, and act, much nicer for at least half an hour.” ~ Kay Taylor 


** I don't know what makes them think they're auricles. It's common knowledge that female writers and resemble either horses or birds, and their fingers are usually smudgy from changing typewriter ribbons. 

***This goes for the convention hats with the funny tassels, too. Sometimes the boys forget, and keep them on and restaurants.

From Peg Bracken's 1959, “I Try To Behave Myself”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia