Advice to Genteel Ladies of 1853

“On no consideration let any lady be persuaded to take two glasses of champagne. It is more than the head of an American female can bear. And she may rest assured, (though unconscious of it herself) all present will find her cheeks flushing, her eyes twinkling, her tongue unusually voluble, her talk loud and silly, and her laugh incessant.” — Above, two champagne coupé glasses with champagne stirrers. Champagne stirrers were popular with Victorian and Edwardian ladies who wished to pop the bubbles in their champagne, so as to reduce the chances of belching or burping when drinking the bubble-filled beverage. By the Roaring Twenties, they were so popular with flappers, they were hooked to long chains and worn as necklaces on nights out to speakeasies. 
—Photo source, Etiquipedia Photo private library.

• Ladies no longer eat salt fish at a public table. The odor of it is now considered extremely ungenteel. 
• The fashion of wearing black silk mittens at breakfast is now obsolete. 
• It is an affectation of ultra fashion to eat pie with a fork and has a very awkward and inconvenient look. 
• Most American ladies beyond the age of 35 look better in caps than without them, even if their hair shows no signs of middle age. 
• Ladies mustn't cross their knees or read with a gentleman off the same book or newspaper. 
• At a hotel or boarding house, a lady may "take wine" once with a gentleman, if she knows him, but the next time he asks she should refuse. 
• On no consideration let any lady be persuaded to take two glasses of champagne. It is more than the head of an American female can bear. And she may rest assured, (though unconscious of it herself) all present will find her cheeks flushing, her eyes twinkling, her tongue unusually voluble, her talk loud and silly, and her laugh incessant.— From Miss Leslie's “The Behaviour Book: A Manual For Ladies,” 1853 Edition

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Courtroom Etiquette

The Los Angeles superior courts have adopted a custom by which those present in a superior courtroom will rise when the judge enters, and remain standing until the judge takes his seat and says, “Please be seated.” – 1921

A Discussion of Courtroom Manners

Should superior courts of  Orange County establish the custom of opening court with the audience standing upon the entrance of the judge? Is the cry of the bailiff calling, “Hear ye, hear ye, the superior court in and for the County of  Orange is in session” advisable? These questions have been brought up at the courthouse by reason of the fact that the Los Angeles superior courts have adopted a custom by which those present in a superior courtroom will rise when the judge enters, and remain standing until the judge takes his seat and says, “Please be seated.” 

That formality such as this, has a tendency to impress people with the dignity and seriousness of the court’s business, has been declared by the two judges of Orange County, Z.B. West and R.Y. Williams. The question as to whether or not the custom should be instituted in Orange County has not been discussed by them. “I believe it is well worth doing and well worth instituting.” said Judge West. “We have always had the formal opening of the court by the bailiff.” The formal opening is not required by law, but is a matter of custom in individual courts. There may be some superior courts in this state in which the custom is established. It is not a general practice, however. – (AP) Orange County, California, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Seasonal Standards

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, who had been unilaterally escalating formality by wearing hats all summer, shows up dressed in silk with pearls and high heels. She is quoted as having refused to participate in “a lowering of standards.”– Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners 

When temperatures go up, fashion decorum goes out the window...

Now that “White Shoe Season” is closing (after today, offenders should expect no mercy), let us review the fashion lessons of this past summer. This year's two big fashion stories are, in Miss Manners’ authoritative opinion: 

A. The Prime Minister of Canada suggests that heads of government attending the 14th economic summit conference in Toronto dress casually.

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, who had been unilaterally escalating formality by wearing hats all summer, shows up dressed in silk with pearls and high heels. She is quoted as having refused to participate in “a lowering of standards.” 

The Prime Minister of Canada wears a suit. 

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B. A Washington messenger is barred from entering the Department of Justice while wearing a T-shirt referring to the then-Chief Executive of that establishment as a pig. He responds by:

1. Unsuccessfully arguing the right of free speech. 

2. Unsuccessfully offering to remove the T-shirt in return for access to the building, presumably shirtless. 

3. Successfully arranging to have an acceptably dressed replacement sent from the messenger service in time to deliver the goods as promised.

4. Delivering his problem to the American Civil Liberties Union, which successfully argues his right of free speech. The Department of Justice, charged with demonstrating that it “obviously doesn't understand what the First Amendment is all about,” reverses its ruling after talk of the ACLU's filing a lawsuit. 

Now, what do these two stories teach us? Quite a bit about politics, notably that it makes an awful lot of difference who is doing the talking. Also that anyone hoping to maintain a higher standard than the society generally recognizes has to be prepared to lend practical assistance. If the Department of Justice, like certain restaurants and clubs, kept articles of “proper attire” on hand to lend those whom it deemed improperly dressed, solution 2. might have worked, and there might not have been a need to escalate to 4. The etiquette angle of all this is, naturally, more subtle. 

High symbolism, and some of the low kind as well, is involved. Social symbolism is not something in which modern people are skilled, and summer heat seems to rob them of any dexterity they might have. Each year, a number of otherwise relatively civilized gentlemen can be counted upon to raise a battle cry against the tyranny of the necktie. The more adventurous even suggest a fullscale clothing revolution, so that each man can express his true self. Miss Manners hopes sensible people can see the fallacy here. Clothing does express individual taste, but only within the context of the community. One's identity involves not only the contents of the particular heart or mind, but the age, gender, era, nationality and particular activity in which one happens to be engaged. To choose clothing that violates those requirements is to broadcast that one is in conflict with them. 

When the British Prime Minister refused to don clothes appropriate to relaxation, she was refusing to pretend that the economic summit was an informal gathering of friends, rather than serious international business. Miss Manner is less ready to cheer on the messenger. Since T-shirts proclaim the wearer’s presumed sentiment, it seems reasonable to hold the wearer as accountable for them as if he were uttering the statements publicly aloud. In most situations, that would merely mean that the bearer should be prepared for counter-attacks by people expressing the right of free speech. The confinement of a necktie is nowhere near as risky in summertime as is offering one’s innermost views to the chance reactions of strangers. – Miss Manners, September 4, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Betty Bradeen on American Manners

“We are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves.” –Betty Bradeen 

Betty Bradeem’s Daily Chat

I am afraid that we are allowing the fine points of etiquette to slip away from our daily life. We are not careful about keeping appointments and redeeming promises, about acknowledging favors and gifts and answering letters. It is downright impertinent to accept an invitation to dinner or luncheon and fail to put in an appearance or send an excuse. The hostess has spent time, money and thought in preparation and her disappointment is keen. When annoyance at thoughtlessness is added, she is quite justified in quietly cutting out that particular guest from her visiting list. A promise should be a sacred thing and only made after due reflection. Then nothing short of a calamity should stand in the way of its fulfillment. 

If social ostracism was the fate of promise-breakers there would be fewer offenders and less discomfort in the world. Harsh remedies are sometimes needed to waken us to a sense of our responsibilities, and I know of nothing more humiliating to a woman than being left out in the reckoning of desirable persons. Few of us show a sufficient appreciation of favors. When we have been entertained through the generosity of woman or man, the least we can do in return is to express our pleasure—the warmer the terms the better. I know from experience, that a few written words or a telephone message the day after an entertainment compensates one for a deal of weariness. I know that a prompt letter of acceptance repays one twice over for the trouble spent in choosing a gift. 

It is always hard to console grief, but it is a duty we owe everybody with whom we associate. Duty is not a pleasant word, but it plays a large part in life, and we should not try to evade it. In a broad sense we are a fairly decent nation in the matter of politeness, but we are apt to overlook small points. We are not courteous to the aged, we are not respectful to our elders. We are not very strong on table manners, since toothpicks are still displayed in conspicuous places. We do not respect the rights of others or the opinions of those better informed than ourselves. Listening is almost a lost art because we all want to talk and are so busy thinking of the things we want to talk about as to make us oblivious of the speech of others. It would almost seem, from this list of shortcomings, that we can have little or no politeness to fall back upon, yet we manage to pass muster in these days. 

Of course, the truly delightful people are those who are polite in small matters, for the little things of life are those which bring us pleasure or pain. Among the guests at a recent house party was a man of middle-age who was established as a favorite in half an hour after his arrival. He was an army officer who had not forgotten his training, and his manners were a delight to men and women. He excelled in small points which other men overlook and there was his charm. Even a multi-millionaire could not have a chance against such a rival for popularity. –Betty Bradeen, 1909

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Etiquette Tips for the Table

Hey... Cover that cough, please!

Coughing at the Table
Ordinary coughing at table is done behind the hand, without excuse, but a coughing fit, brought on by something being caught in the windpipe, indicates that you must leave the table immediately without excuse (you can't talk, anyhow). If necessary, your partner at table offers help in the next room a pat on the back or a glass of water. If there is a servant present he or she attends to this unless the hostess indicates to some member of the family or to a nearby guest that help might be better from that source.

And if you're sick, just stay home.

Blowing One's Nose at the Table

If the nose must be blown at table, it is done as quietly as possible, without excuse to draw attention to the fact.

Don't serve it to your guests!

"Foreign Matter" in Foods
Foreign bodies accidentally taken into the mouth with food gravel, stones, bird shot are removed with thumb and forefinger, as are fish bones and other tiny bones. If a gnat gets into a beverage or some other unappetizing creature turns up in or on a diner's food, he fishes it out, unobserved (so others won't see it and be upset), and then either proceeds or leaves the drink or dish untouched, depending on the degree of odiousness of the intruder. 

A gnat or a tiny inchworm on lettuce shouldn't bother anyone, but most fastidious people draw the line at a fly or worse. If the hostess notices an untouched dish, she may say, "Do let me serve you a fresh portion," and she has the dish or drink removed without remarking clinically as to the need for the move. Or if a servant notices, she asks if the guest would like a fresh serving. In a restaurant, if host or hostess does not notice (and both should be alert for this sort of thing) that something is amiss, the guest may tactfully murmur to the waiter that the dish or drink needs changing preferably when host or hostess's attention is directed else- where.

Use the serving utensils provided, not your own. If the serving utensils have been forgotten, pause long enough for the hostess to notice what's happened. 

When You Need Silverware
Your own wet spoon should never be placed in a sugar bowl, nor your butter knife in the jam or butter dish. If the serving utensils have been forgotten, pause long enough for the hostess to notice what's happened.   

This is informal but only permissible, if a fresh fork or spoon is used, with the possessor of the dish then handing the "taste" implement, handle first, to the other person. As this is an adult and child, Etiquipedia allows it!

Tasting Another's Food
Sometimes a couple dining in a restaurant wish to taste each other's food. This is informal but permissible, though only if a fresh fork or spoon is used, with the possessor of the dish then handing the "taste" implement, handle first, to the other person. The other must not reach
across the table and eat from a companion's plate, no matter how many years they have been married. If one of the two has had included some item say French fried potatoes in his order and doesn't wish them, he asks the waiter to serve them to the other, if desired he doesn't take them on his plate, then re-serve them.

Oh, to be a toddler again and have an actual food pusher to use!

Using Bread as a "Pusher"
A bit of bread, if available, is used to push food onto a fork never use the fingers. At formal dinners when bread is not served one may always switch to the Continental style, if one is adept, and chase the peas onto the back of the fork held in the left hand, pressing them down before conveying the fork, upside down, to the mouth. Or, holding the fork in the right or (French and Italian fashion) left hand, tines up, on plate, one may guide difficult food onto it with the side of the knife.   

Reaching at table is now preferred to asking neighbors to pass things ...

Reaching at Table
Reaching at table is now preferred to asking neighbors to pass things one can well take up himself, but one should not have to rise out of his seat. – Amy Vanderbilt

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Social Custom

The only exception to the old and present day rule is in the case of husband and wife. In such cases the husband gives his left arm to his wife. The origin of this is to show the domination of man over woman. 

"It's a Matter of Etiquette"

Should a man offer the right or left arm to a woman?  In social circles just now there is going on quite a discussion regarding this question.  To one’s wife, one gives the left arm.  To all other women, the right arm.  It is now being urged that the social custom be changed, and that man be considered quite correct should he offer his left arm to all women.  This question of etiquette, like so many others, originated in France centuries ago.


Shakespeare writes of a man “as polite as a French courtier." The "grand Maitres de maintien" decreed some ages ago that a man must give his right arm to members of the fair sex because one always places on the right hand those whom one wishes to honor.  French gallants, just like the American men of today, held the daughters of Eve in high honor.  At a ball when inviting a woman to dance you must give her the right arm, and after the dance, in promenading, you do not change the arm. It is the same rule at all functions, or even when walking in the street.


The only exception to the old and present day rule is in the case of husband and wife.  In such cases the husband gives his left arm to his wife.  The origin of this is to show the domination of man over woman.  It is now being urged that the right be dethroned in favor of the universal use of the left.  The argument is that in such case the man has the use of his good right arm for the defense of his fair companion, and to assist her the better if slipping or falling.  The coming season ought to definitely settle the question. –Sacramento Union, 1908

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Etiquette: Have We Any Manners?

Have We Any Manners? Look at Our Ancestors and Take Courage!

"OUR ancestors do continually surprise us, but what can exceed the amazement, perfectly justifiable, that comes with our first glimpse at the approved etiquette books of only a generation or a century or two ago? It is comforting to believe' that our sires and their dames were the pinks of courtesy and good breeding, irrespective of their nationality or their station In life. But were they?

To the fair minded who study the novels, the jest books and the courtesy books contemporary with their lives — lives lived perhaps in the shadow of a palace— it is not always evident. And, except to the very young, who cannot see beneath the glittering surface, the exaggerated bows, the overpolished compliments, the kissing of perfumed hands and the spreading of velvet cloaks over muddy crossings seem theatrical and decidedly tiresome in an age that believes in such things as democracy, international conciliation, coeducation, pragmatism!

Today one of the most popular and amusing fallacies among the nations is that we Americans have no manners whatever; that all our women are selfish, strident-voiced, overdressed Daisy Millers; that all our men chew tobacco, hide behind newspapers at breakfast and dine in their shirt sleeves. And yet many old cosmopolitans and travelers, who claim to be discriminating in the matter of good manners, solemnly declare that we can well afford to be criticised by both Paris and Berlin.

We are a ridiculously new, composite race, but are we not an intelligent one— Indisputably benign, introspective, emulative, sympathetic and fond of laughter? To us a perusal of the etiquette books that only a century or two ago went through innumerable editions in all the great cities of Europe reveals this important, this unpleasant fact: that the immediate descendants of all the picture gallery folk, so picturesque in powdered wigs, swords, brocades and lace frills were in danger of inheriting the manners of snobs, boors and pigs only. While their background and courtly manners were extremely decorative, we must not regret that they have passed away forever.
         

Society has outgrown the romantic drama period. It is learning to think. Good breeding is founded only upon the Gibraltar of simple human kindness; but society has not always been kind and considerate and manners have ever fluctuated with the tides of fashion. The following dicta from a famous courtesy book were penned by a certain man of affairs for real people, who considered themselves the perfect flower of enlightenment. The glamour of this gentleman's century has faded away.

In the case of an educated democracy, his paragraphs read like directions for a puppet show only: 'If in company with an inferior, it is well worth your attention not to let him feel his inferiority. If you take pains to mortify him it is an insult not readily forgot. At table there can not be a greater insult than to help an inferior to a part he dislikes and take the best yourself. Walking fast in the streets Is a mark of vulgarity. It may appear well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits ill with the character of a gentleman or a man of fashion.'

'Eating quick or slow at meals is characteristic of the vulgar. It has the appearance of being used to hard work. Smelling the meat while on your fork being put to your mouth is vulgar. Spitting on the carpet is a nasty practice. It will lead your acquaintances to believe that you are not used to genteel furniture. Wit is the most. dangerous talent the female can possess. It must be guarded with discretion.'

In a recent item of Americana, printed in New York and in a year so recent as 1849, one reads with little gravity that vehicle was 'written for the socially inferior of that period by a properly serious social leader, long dead and alas forgotten.' This author deems his advice an absolute, necessity In that sadly mercantile period of the fifties, with 'people continually rising in the world and with, their new wealth acquiring a taste for the superfluities of life with the use of which they are only imperfectly acquainted!'

This little book, 'The American Manual of Elegance and Fashion' is divided into 18 chapters. Curiously enough, three of them are entitled 'Tattling,' 'Smoking' and 'Advice to Tradespeople.' Any one but a New Yorker smiles the smile of the unconvinced, as he reads: 'In all cases the observances of the metropolis the seat of refinement should be received as the standard of good breeding.'" –By Olive Percival for the San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Wedding Customs

Traditional Mongolian clothing ~ “However much a Chinese girl may become Christianized there are generally several points of Mongolian etiquette which she expects to observe rigidly at her wedding.”

How Mrs. Fong Fung Regulated Her Nephew's Wedding Feast — A Unique Chinese Marriage Celebrated at the Methodist Mission

The Methodist Mission, on Washington Street, was the scene of a unique Chinese wedding last night. Ngan Kuk was the bride. Five years ago she was rescued from slavery and brought into the home, and since that time, little by little, she has learned Western ways and has abjured her idols, her ancestors and her heathen customs. But, however much a Chinese girl may become Christianized there are generally several points of Mongolian etiquette which she expects to observe rigidly at her wedding.

On that occasion, if on no other, she will paint her face, adorn her head and put on attire more gorgeous than a peacock's tail. She will also refuse the dainties of the marriage feast and refrain from casting even a sidelong glance at the bridegroom. When Ngan Kuk accepted the hand and heart of Chan Hay, a convert of the mission, she expected that her wedding feast would be as regal as the circumstances of the groom would permit, but fate, in the shape of the gentleman's aunt, willed otherwise. It is a Chinese custom that when a man who is about to get married has a mother she shall manage and control all the arrangements for his wedding. There are so few mothers-in-law in Chinatown, that this custom has almost fallen into abeyance.

Chan Hay had no mother, but he had an aunt — Mrs. Fong Fung— who has always been to him as a parent, and this lady made her presence felt at last night's wedding. She is the wife of a well-to-do Chinese merchant, and has been a consistent member of the Methodist Episcopal church for six years. She disapproves of frivolity in dress or deportment, and she considers Chinese custom and etiquette little short of sinful. It was owing to Mrs. Fong Fung's religious scruples that the bride wore no finery last night, and was simply arrayed in a blue blouse and a black shirt, with neat but not gaudy embroidery. The groom's attire was marked by the same absence of extravagance in dress, and as for Mrs. Fong Fung herself nothing could have been simpler than her attire. She was almost a Chinese tailor-made lady.

Rev. Dr. Masters, the head of the mission, performed the ceremony and throughout the whole, proceedings were conducted on the American plan, without the least particle of heathen custom or etiquette. There were about 150 American and Chinese visitors present and at the feast which followed the wedding, they all, the bride included, sat down in tbe big schoolroom of the mission to prettily decorated tables and partook of light refreshments prepared in American style. People declared it was the most unique Chinese wedding they had ever witnessed.–San Francisco, 1896

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Etiquette and RSVPs

      

“Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent.” 

On Social Life and RSVPs

This week the question comes, “Is it necessary to send acceptance or regret to an invitation for a come and go reception?” Up to the present writing no definite answer to that particular question has been found in any books of etiquette that were accessible. However, perhaps a suggestion will be acceptable in lieu of a mere incontrovertible reply; and the suggestion is —“put yourself in her place.”


You have sent, out four hundred invitations bidding your friends come to you on a certain day or evening, you receive regrets from one hundred. Does that mean that three hundred are coming, or one-hundred-and-fifty, or in other words how many gallons of ice cream are you going to order; how much chocolate, or coffee or both shall you have made, and how many chickens, or lobsters, etc..., etc..., etc... ?


Mrs. J. Sherwood and various other authorities on the subject of social etiquette refer to the manner and style of wording acceptances or regrets to functions of one kind and another, as if the fact of answering in some way went without saying—it probably does. A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it? Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent: why not then a reply to an invitation which is almost the least civility that can be paid to an invitation which is usually meant to be a courtesy?

Long before a stamped envelope and a reply card were added to wedding invitations, it was good manners to send a handwritten reply– “A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it?” 

Mrs. Sherwood says: "In our new country the relations of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances demand." Notwithstanding which, if you meet a friend in the street and she says: “I want you to meet some friends in my home such and such a time,'” you don't stand and stare at her, nor turn on your heel and leave her. Should not written invitations, even to a “come and go reception,” have as much attention as one given by word of mouth?
— Los Angeles Herald, 1895



Whether an answer's requested or not by the letters R.S.V.P. (repondez, sil vous plait—" answer, if you please"), it must be sent in a day or two, and written in the same formal style as the invitation, the acceptance of which may be thus expressed: "Mr. T. accepts with pleasure the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of _______ ."
A refusal should be written as follows: "Mr. T. regrets that he can not accept the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of ________."When an invitation is accepted, it must be, if possible, faithfully complied with. It is not seldom that an invited person takes an uninvited friend to a ball or evening dancing-party, but he ought not to do so without first asking permission of the giver of it. As he is not likely to be refused, he must hold himself entirely responsible for the character and conduct of his companion, who, previous to and after the party, should send a card. From “Bazar Book of Decorum” 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Royal Manners

Prince Albert, Prince of Wales, later who became King Edward VII of England 

If fine manners are naturally associated with rank, the supposition would be that the higher the rank the finer the manners. It would then follow that the guest of honor, who is also the stranger, would take precedence of all others. It is therefore bewildering to learn that when the Prince of Wales recently gave a dinner to General Grant the distinguished visitor brought up the rear of the procession to the dining-room.  We are but boors in etiquette; yet if the Prince of Wales had been the guest of honor of the President of the United States he would not have been permitted to close the march to dinner; and he would have proceeded, not as Prince, but as guest; for it would be equally true of untitled Mr. Bright or Mr. Gladstone as of a Prince. 

General Grant, who later became the 18th President of the United States

Courtesy is a poor thing if it cannot dispense, upon due occasion with the rigidity of the ceremonial forms. It is rumored that the American minister in England was long absorbed in the task of arranging General Grant's invitations, so that he should not be apparently insulted by being treated at entertainments given in his honor with less consideration than any other guest. This is hardly credible to an unsophisticated American, because he cannot comprehend either an English gentleman should offer or an American gentleman accept such a situation. The rules of really good society, whether titled or untitled, are everywhere the same in regard to certain essential points, and it is a pity if they are violated in the house of Prince.  To invite an untitled man into titled company, upon an occasion of pure ceremony, where titles determine precedence, is to invite him to go behind. If a Prince gives a dinner in honor of an untitled guest, he is bound to honor him chiefly, and invites the company merely to help him render the honor.

The Prince of Wales entertained General Grant at Marlborough House

If, therefore, it be true that the Prince of Wales gave a dinner specially to General Grant and permitted the greater part of the company to proceed him to the table, General Grant should quietly have left the house, and all the more if, as is constantly said, etiquette and forms are real things to European society. For if that be so, the significance of the situation was that an American without a title, however illustrious, however honored at home, and the especial guest of the occasion, is not to be recognized as the equal of titled people.  Probably, if the story be true, General Grant was not troubled; but if English gentlemen are required by etiquette to acquiesce in so flagrant a discourtesy they're greatly to be pitied.— Harpers Magazine, August, 1877 

 

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19th C. Italian Etiquette vs American... cont.

More on...

 "How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite."

I do not think that Mr. Jarves had any Italian offspring like Madoonna in mind when he wrote his 1880 article on Italian parenting and etiquette, but still, she is sending his message, "Italians do it better," all the same ~ The talent, or "smartness" which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways.

The sincerity of affection of American fathers for their children cannot be questioned, but the quality of its practical manifestation as a whole is open to comment. American fathers are too reserved and undemonstrative; two little given to intimate association with the joys, chagrins, and personal training of their children. From want of practice they do not know how, as do European fathers, to participate in their lives and become their confidential companions. They are over-solicitous to see them on an independent, self-made footing early in life, working out their own careers prematurely, in their separate responsibility, while relieving them of theirs in the matter.

The talent, or “smartness” which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways. A New-England father, cold and commanding in deportment, when not forgetful and indifferent; austere and abrupt and speech, if not taciturn and careless, bountifully provides the means of education, comfort, and entertainment of his offspring, and is prompt to enunciate Lycurgian rules and abstract apothegms for their guidance by already physically and mentally over-taxed mothers, or those whom he liberally pays to vicariously execute the most needful of his own duties, in the inculcation of those habits and principles on which the future welfare of his family depends. 

Hence, between American fathers and sons there is less free intercourse and affectionate courtesy, with intermingling of pleasures and interests, than in European families. Domestic life has more centrifugal than centripetal force. In infancy there is begotten a restraint which tinges all subsequent intercourse between them, and leaves uncomfortable associations on both sides. This state of domestic life is more a defect of the head than heart, chiefly arising from the neglect to cultivate those endearing habits and manners which should be the crowning grace of intellectual accomplishments and parental authority.

The tact with which cultivated Italians pay compliments is equal to their fastidious sense of personal beauty. Nothing elicits more heartfelt admiration than grace or brightness, particularly in children. The most common place are noticed, while any special attraction gets enthusiastically praised. Their quick eyes, even in adults, seize on any distinguishing feature, if it be only a well shaped ear or nose, or other minor organ, and cordially praise that, politely ignoring the homely ones out of consideration of the feelings of their possessor. Their aesthetic sympathies are so keen that they detect charms which untrained senses overlook. They are much less prone than Anglo-Saxons to see only defects and crudely condense them into one sweeping condemnation of absolute ugliness or badness, with no discrimination of mitigating or compensating details. 

In social intercourse they are less inclined to the superficial, impressive, and wholesale prejudices of people of coarser fibre and colder hearts, in regard to persons of unprepossessing appearance. Instead, they charitably discover something to recommend the most forbidding in looks, if, like themselves, well bred, while their respect to age is particularly commendable. Whether this conduct springs from charity of heart or policy of head, it is certainly good breeding. 

The habit of considering others sometimes brings unexpected results. There lived in Florence some years back and Irish painter of merit, who was on the verge of starvation from inability to sell his works. One evening as it so happened that the journal he had taken up at a café to distract him was asked for by a stranger. He immediately handed it to the inquirer, saying another would serve his purpose as well. This led to an acquaintance, which ended in his selling all of his Winter's work to his new friend, who was an amateur, and placing him at once in a comfortable position. 

Another more remarkable instance is the following: An elderly gentleman, partially paralyzed, was traveling by himself in a railway carriage, in which was a young lady, unknown to him. Accidentally dropping the newspaper he was reading, and finding it difficult to recover it, she promptly assisted him, following it up by other little services and pleasant conversation. When the train stopped she considerately assisted him out. He begged her address, which she gave him, and soon the incident faded out of her mind. 

A year afterward, to her astonishment, she received a letter from the old gentleman's lawyer with the intelligence that he had died, and bequeathed her $150,000, "because of her politeness to a stranger." This was indeed casting her bread of civility on the waters of life to some purpose, and forcibly illustrates the power of "politesse de coeur," as the French aptly designate this humane accomplishment.

Matthew Arnold defines civilization as the “humanizing of man in society.” Politeness is one of the most efficient agents in affecting this transmutation of human nature. Poetry, music, painting, and sculpture or even less direct agencies in its improvement, for polite manners are apostolic in their proselytizing functions. No supreme civilization is reached, however, on a single line of progress. To form a complete, well-rounded humanity, scope must be given to every healthful aspiration and no faculty left to lie dormant. The ideal race is yet to be created out of the perfections of all. Hebrewism has given us religion, the spiritual aspects of faith, sacrifice, obedience, duty, and worship as its supreme ideal; Hellenism, the might of philosophy, beauty, and mind in heroic guise of earthly mold; Rome, The power of unity and supremacy of law. 

Germany now proffers inquiry, scientific analysis, and thought; the Latin races, their sensitiveness to beautiful form and behavior; their delicacy of apprehension and technical touch; England, her broad eclecticism, practical skill, and resolute utilitarianism, while inventive, receptive America, the mosaic of nations, opens her doors with the impartial welcome to all but benign influences. Let us hope that humanities highest polish and finest amalgamation will finally be ours. But to secure, this something besides a deep-seated passion for beauty, abstract truth, or prosaic utility is required. 

Progress toward the ideal to be lasting, must be as deeply rooted in the heart as the head. It's complete code exists only in the divine principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, who is the most beautiful manifestation of spirit in the flesh vouchsafed to men. He was the complete gentleman. His perfect brotherhood, gentleness, truth, sympathy, sacrifice, intuition, forbearance, courtesy, kindness to women and children; His energy, courage, and righteous anger; His devotion to His one great object, the alleviation of life's miseries, succor of the afflicted, healing of the sick, regeneration of all man; His exalted, purifying doctrines and practice- all this, combined with an aesthetic temperament that made Him, the most radical of reformers, enjoy nature and art, wear fine apparel, and come "eating and drinking;" a Saviour appreciating the refinements and blessings of life, not despising and fearing them like a misery-coveting, cowardly ascetic; this makes Jesus, after 18th centuries of example, still the "first gentleman" of all time, universal Teacher and ideal man of humanity. 

From “How Italians Train Their Youth,” an article originally published in the NY Times, sent from Florence, Italy, August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Japan's Edo Era

Above: A page from the government-approved morals education textbook 'Watashitachi no Doutoku' ('Our Morals'), for 5th- and 6th-graders, describes behaviors said to be from the Edo Period. In recent years, many Japanese public schools have begun programs teaching Edo period etiquette to the students. The board of education in the city of Moriya, Ibaraki Prefecture, launched a pilot project to teach Moriya shigusa, which is inspired by Edo shigusa, to its elementary and junior high schools. The city has created a booklet that includes 24 “encouraged” behaviors to be used in its public elementary and junior high schools. US government officials in Japan during the Edo period noted the many differences in Western etiquette and Japanese etiquette; "Great inconveniences will of course be experienced by us in furnishing the necessary rooms and accommodations for so large an accession to our numbers, and especially when some will be of the highest rank, and therefore require special attention and conveniences; while all speak an unknown language, and are so unlike to ourselves in dress, in food and in manners. The Japanese, however, are distinguished for simplicity of manners, and simplicity with neatness in dress, and simplicity in diet..." Sources: Japan Times and New York Times

Jeddo, Saturday, Oct. 8, 1859

"You and your readers have been apprised long since, that, according to a provision in the treaty concluded by Mr. Harris between the United States and Japan in June, 1858, two Japanese Commissioners were to be sent to Washington in a national vessel, and at the expense of the United States, the object being to make a good impression upon the Japanese upon their first introduction into the comity of nations, and with whom the United States are destined to conduct an important commerce through the enterprise of our countrymen in California and Oregon. 

It was conditional in the treaty that the Commissioners should leave Japan on the 22d day of February; and as rumors were rife, and universally credited, that the Japanese would never fulfill the condition, it was necessary for Commodore Tatnall to visit Jeddo, and ascertain to a certainty whether the Commissioners would be ready to go at the appointed time, as also to urge an earlier day for their departure, in case they should go, since so much expense would be incurred, and discomfort experienced, by the officers and crew of the Powhatan, should their long-cherished hopes be blasted. For these reasons, leaving Shanghai Sept. 17, we cast anchor before the great and unknown City of Jeddo, Wednesday, Oct. 5, having stopped a few days at Nagasaki.

Daimyo were the most powerful feudal rulers from the 10th century to the middle 19th century in Japan, and were subordinate only to the Shogun. 

Having spent some days under the hospitable roof of Mr. Harris, I have learned all the particulars respecting the Commissioners and their future movements. There are two parties in Japan -- the Progressives and Old Fogies; the men who are attached to the institutions, the customs and the non-intercourse policy of their fathers; and others who see advantages in commerce and intercourse with other nations, or else think it is better to yield gracefully to circumstances, and freely do what they soon must do from necessity. The Emperor is always a mere cypher, and now is a boy only 16 years old, but in fact as important and influential as other Emperors, however venerable the age they attained. A Council of six members is selected from the hereditary princes, of whom there are 360, who are to the Japanese government very much what the House of Commons is to the English. The Emperor may select his Council of State from these Daimais (sic), or princes, and they may pursue the course they please, but unless it also pleases the Daimias, and they refuse to sanction it, the Emperor is obliged to dismiss them and appoint others.

Townsend Harris was a minor politician, a successful NYC merchant, and the first United States Consul General to Japan. He negotiated what is known as the "Harris Treaty" between the US and Japan. He is credited as the diplomat who first opened the Empire of Japan to culture and foreign trade during the Edo period in Japan, 1603-1868. After learning that the Japanese had a large group of men attending to them during the negotiations, Mr. Harris explained that American taste and etiquette are unlike Japanese, and that even our greatest men had no retinue so large.

When the treaty was proposed it encountered violent opposition in the Council, though it was finally sanctioned; while the majority of the Princes denounced it on all occasions, some of them declaring, as they touched their hands to the two swords which every one always carries, that it would be better to perish manfully, standing by the sacred institutions and policy of their fathers, than to open their beautiful and happy country to foreign nations, of whom they needed nothing, as centuries of seclusion had shown, when they had whatever immaterial things their wants required, and, besides, uninterrupted peace and safety. The Emperor, like Queen Victoria, was obliged to succumb to the tempest his Ministers had raised, and, dismissing them, appoint a new Board from the opposite party. Opposed, as the new Cabinet is, to the policy of the treaty, they feel obliged to observe it, which is a circumstance highly in commendation of their integrity; and when Mr. Harris inquired of them, the other day, at the request of Com. Tatnall, whether the two Commissioners would proceed to the United States under his flag, they replied that two new Commissioners had just been appointed, who would certainly be ready to embark at the specified time, but not sooner.

At first, 81 persons of different classes had been appointed to accompany them, of whom two were censors, or, in other words, spies upon the Commissioners, two lieutenant-governors, eight generals and colonels, two interpreters, or Japanese, who can speak Dutch, and perhaps some little English, two physicians, and forty servants. Mr. Harris told them that American taste and etiquette are unlike Japanese, and that even our greatest men had no retinue; so large a suite would, therefore, in no measure contribute to the honor of the Commissioners, but probably, on the contrary, would be an annoyance and disadvantage to them. They informed Mr. Harris that they had struck off ten from the list, and we earnestly hope that there will be a still greater reductio ab absurdo (or "reduction to absurdity".)

Great inconveniences will of course be experienced by us in furnishing the necessary rooms and accommodations for so large an accession to our numbers, and especially when some will be of the highest rank, and therefore require special attention and conveniences; while all speak an unknown language, and are so unlike to ourselves in dress, in food and in manners. The Japanese, however, are distinguished for simplicity of manners, and simplicity with neatness in dress, and simplicity in diet; and we hope to make a pleasant voyage with them across the Pacific to Panama, where they will cross the Isthmus and take passage in a vessel provided by the Government. In the meantime we shall be making our way around the Horn, and hope for a pleasant reunion with our Japanese friends on our own soil. May our country prove to be as interesting to them as theirs has been to us.

Leaving Jeddo in a few days, we shall run down to Shanghai and Hong Kong, and having taken in coal and provisions, return to this port, and, making all the necessary arrangements for the accommodation of the Japanese dignitaries and attendants, be ready to take a last farewell of Japan and its unequaled scenery on Feb. 22, at the first gleam of morning. We now seek the rising and not the setting sun."

Examples of Edo Era Etiquette in Japan

One example of Edo-style etiquette advocated is kasa kashige (umbrella-leaning), the practice by people passing others on a narrow street to tilt their umbrellas slightly away from each other to avoid getting others wet.

The compassion demonstrated in kasa kashige is at the root of Edo shigusa. But it’s not about imposing a certain behavior on people. . . . It’s about having the mind to care for others . . . (to) show compassion for others.

The merchant practice of kobushi ukase, which refers to the behavior of moving over on a bench to make space for others.

Proponents believe these traditions, which are not documented on paper and have been handed down only verbally, were on the brink of extinction until a man known for his pseudonym Mitsuakira Shiba, whose background is little known but who, legend has it, was a descendant of an Edo merchant, started a campaign to restore the Edo Period practices in the 1970s, based on what he had heard from his grandfather.

Some say Edo-style etiquette is not backed up by historical evidence, and that teaching such behavior as if it were a part of the nation’s history may distort Japanese moral education, which includes teaching not to lie to others.

“Lessons of Edo shigusa are indeed ethically sound . . . but that doesn’t mean they can tell a lie,” or otherwise children may mistakenly consider lying is OK as long as it is good for people, said Minoru Harada, an author and independent researcher of pseudohistory.

Source ~ Japan Times

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia.  

Etiquette and Pushing One's Culture

A Japanese woman pictured in a 1980’s etiquette book, expressly written for Japanese housewives.

“People Won't Like Us if We Try to Make Them Over”

"About eight years ago, in Japan, I was serving as Assistant Chief of Education for Japanese Women. I knew that Japanese women were regarded as inferior to men. Still, I was shocked when I saw a shabbily dressed "tsuma" (wife) in Tokyo, harnessed to a wagon filled with fertilizer. Beside her strutted her husband in his finest Sunday kimono. He was holding a parasol high over her head to protect her from the blazing sun.

I was outraged at the thought of a woman being used as a beast of burden. So were the other American girls with me, who would watch the incident from the windows of the Kanda Kai Kan Hotel. We held a one-minute indignation meeting, and then rushed out and told the man off. To teach him a lesson, we harnessed him to the wagon and his wife to walk along beside him, holding the parasol to shield him from the sun.

The couple did as we ordered. No matter how much American orders were resented, they were always followed back in 1945. At the time, we thought we were doing a pretty fine thing, teaching the Japanese male the importance of treating his wife as an equal.

But I shall never forget that woman's face as she walked beside her husband, with their roles completely reversed. She had been content with her lot when she had drawn the wagon. Now she looked unhappy and confused. All sense of pride was gone. Her husband's loss of face distressed her far more than the weight of the wagonload had done.

Today I realize how wrong we were. We had considered the couple solely from our point of view - not from theirs. Until we interfered, that woman had felt she had a very fine husband. It wasn't every sujin who protected his working wife lovingly from the hot sun. But we had degraded him in her eyes.

Americans can't make the world over by forcing it to conform to our traditions. The best we can do is make our point of view so alluring that others will want to do things our way. At Nippon University, where I taught Advanced English, many Japanese boys wrote compositions saying that women should be limited to hibachi, kodomo, hataki- the stove, the children, and the paddy field. I corrected their compositions for English and spelling, but not for their point of view. By that time I realized that everyone has the right to his own point of view. I did hope, however, that democratic practices would in time appeal to them.

To influence others, Americans should first understand the other fellow's point of view -whether the subject is democracy or equal rights for women. But many of us, when we enter a new community, at home or abroad, bring with us the standards of our own community and attempt to impose them on the inhabitants. We must always ask ourselves, 'How does it look to them?' If we don't, we'll make more enemies than friends."

An editorial by Beryl Kent, for The Saturday Evening POST, January 1954

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia