Gilded Age Etiquette History Article

Butter knives, shown above with antique butter dishes and butter forks, were new to tables in the 1830’s- 1840’s. Butter forks and butter picks came later in the 1800’s. Prior to butter knives and individual butter spreaders being introduced, it was very common for diners to butter their bread with their thumbs.

While certain forms of table etiquette may seem altogether conventional, even fantastic, the forms usually observed are founded on good sense, and adapted to general convenience. Table etiquette is not, as is often alleged, merely a matter of fashion, although some things that were in vogue a generation or two ago are no longer deemed polite. The reason is that manners and table furniture have undergone so many changes, have really so much improved, as to require a mutual readjustment.

For example, everybody was accustomed twenty or thirty years since, to use the knife to carry food to the mouth, because the fork of the day was not adapted to the purpose. Since the introduction of the four-tined silver fork, it has so entirely supplanted the knife that the usage of the latter, in that way, is not only superfluous, but is regarded as a vulgarian.

Another example is the discontinuance of the custom of turning tea or coffee from the cup into the saucer. Although small plates were frequently employed to set the cup in, they were not at all in general use; and even when they were used, the tea or coffee was likely to be spilled upon the cloth. The habit, likewise, of putting one’s knife into the butter arose from the fact that the butter-knife proper had not been thought of. Such customs as these, once necessitated by circumstances, are now obviously inappropriate.

Certain habits, however, are regulated by good taste and delicacy of feeling, and the failure to adopt them argues a lack of fine perception or social insight. One of these is eating or drinking audibly. No sensitive person can hear any one taking his soup. coffee or other liquid, without positive annoyance. Yet those who would be very unwilling to consider themselves ill bred are constantly guilty of such breaches of politeness. 

The defect is that they are not so sensitive as those with whom they come in contact. They would not be disturbed by the offence; they never imagine, therefore, that any one else can be. It is for them that rules of etiquette are particularly designed. Were their instinct correct, they would not need the rule, which, from the absence of instinct, appears to them irrational, purely arbitrary.

To rest one’s elbow on the table is more than a transgression of courtesy, it is an absolute inconvenience to one’s neighbors. All awkwardness of position, such as sitting too far back from or leaning over the table, are reckoned as rudeness, because they put others ill at ease through fear of such accidents as are liable to happen from any uncouthness.

These and kindred matters are trifles; but social life is so largely composed of trifles, that to disregard them wholly is a serious affront. We can hardly realize to what extent our satisfaction of dissatisfaction is made up of things in themselves insignificant, until their observance or nonobservance is brought directly home to us.– Scribner’s Monthly, 1884

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Relaxing Etiquette Reveals Poor Form

The image above is a great example of what can happen when etiquette standards become relaxed. If one has an elbow on the table, it invariably leads to slouching, poor posture and to the casual observer, points out how graceful your dining companion looks beside you!  
What got into Emily Post’s head in 1938? When her best selling book was published in 1922, EmilyPost was 50 years old. I have often suspected that with advanced age, Emily slowly began to relax her standards. After all, this was the woman who served bar-b-que’d meats at an afternoon tea… “Reportedly, on Martha’s Vineyard, Emily Post was accused of ‘losing it’ when she served members of the Garden Club barbecued meats, rather than the anticipated tea sandwiches. When town members gossiped about her social gaffe, she responded that grilled meats seemed more festive for the occasion than “old-fashioned ladies food.’”

ONE BY ONE our most sacred. traditions and beliefs are destroyed. Now we read of Emily Post, high priestess of etiquette, eating dinner with her elbows on the table.

When we were kids we were taught that a table elbower was almost as low in the social plane as the shameless wretches who resorted to the unspeakable tooth-pick. 

The story said Emily's fellow diners at the Gourmet club, New York, were shocked at her sudden emancipation of the elbow though she tried to prepare them for the surprise to come by first knocking over a bowl of lingonberries.

The human elbow has never been regarded as one of nature's lovelier creations and it has always been our idea that the rule banning its display at meal times was more esthetic than scientific. 

Many an American grows to manhood without ever discovering why nature equipped him with a pair of elbows. And then he visits New York and takes a ride on the subway during rush hour.

Meanwhile, the elbow is in danger of disappearing completely in Italy and Germany. The Fascist-Nazi straight arm salute is gradually reducing it to the status of an unused hinge.

While we are grateful to Miss Post for the return of the American elbow from exile, her liberalism might have gone a bit further. Up to press time the napkin tucked under the chin has not been declared constitutional. – By William Ritt for the Imperial Valley Press, February 1938

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1963’s New Etiquette for Teens

Advertisement for teen girls in 1960’s Seventeen Magazine

A teen-age girl doesn't HAVE to wait for her date to open the car door…

She MAY apply powder or lipstick at a restaurant table ...

There are times when ANYONE may put his elbow on the table!

These are some of the new standard-setting etiquette hints designed with today's teen-agers in mind by Enid A. Haupt, author of “The Seventeen Book of Etiquette and Entertaining,” just released by the David McKay Co. Writing with strong personal conviction and a deep understanding of young people, Mrs. Haupt, who is editor-in-chief of Seventeen Magazine, explores all areas where teen-age girls and boys may feel unsure and answers questions before they arise on subjects ranging from eating to dating, from meetings to skating.

For the first time ever in an etiquette book, complete chapters are devoted to “The Art of Saying No Nicely,” a “16-Point Plan for Making Good on College or Prep-School Weekends” and “When You Eat or Entertain in Restaurants.” Subjects including beauty parlor etiquette, school, sports and spectator manners, job manners, dating, telephone talk, hotel and bus travel, and the formalities of life are handled.

Don't wait and wait for your date to open the car door. “This is one of those agonizing customs. It's good manners for him to open the car door for you so it's good manners for you to wait until he can get around the car to do it ... If, however, he gets out of his door and then just waits for you to join him, hop out by yourself. If he’s one that does (open the door), appreciate him.”

“You may touch up your lipstick or powder the tip of your nose” at a restaurant table. “But .. the place for major reconstruction is the ladies' room.”

Elbows “are fine on the table - occasionally - except when you have food or eating implements in hand.” –San Bernardino Sun, 1963

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Do Your Manners Fuss Your Escort?

A show of bad manners! Dorothy is both a “cup-cuddler” and an “elbow-bracer!”

Oh Dorothy! Only one hand on the coffee cup, please. Can’t you see how fussed Paul is because people are watching your show of bad manners?

He’ll invite Polly next time, you may be sure. She’s no “cup-cuddler” or “elbow-bracer.” Nor does she wad her napkin! She lays it across her lap folded double or triple- deftly touching only a corner to her lips. 

Leaving the table to dance, she drops the napkin on her chair. At the close of the meal, she tucks it partly folded - under the edge of the plate as she rises. Charming table manners certainly are an asset! – Santa Ana Journal, 1937

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners: When and How to Sit at a Table

 

“While at the table, it is not considered good manners to put one's elbows on the table, to trifle with the knives and forks or to clink the glasses. When not occupied, the hands should be quietly in the lap, for nothing so marks the well-bred gentleman or lady as repose at the table.” — They are both sitting properly, but he can’t understand where his stemware is located!

Whether it be a family dinner without guests, or a formal occasion, a man shows courtesy and breeding by waiting until the ladies have been seated. At a luncheon or dinner, a woman waits politely until her hostess is seated and a young girl does not take her place until each older woman has taken hers.

One should sit erect and neither lounge nor bend forward while eating. A seat drawn too closely throws out the elbows, one too far away and crooks the back. The proper compromise is a position in which the waist or chest is about eight inches from the table.

While at the table, it is not considered good manners to put one's elbows on the table, to trifle with the knives and forks or to clink the glasses. When not occupied, the hands should be quietly in the lap, for nothing so marks the well-bred gentleman or lady as repose at the table. — The Bride's Book, 1907

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Merry Table Etiquette of 1894

 

Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.”

Eat, Drink and Be Merry... 

And While Doing So at Table, Observe These Rules

• Children should be taught to drink as little as possible while eating. 
• “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” 
• No gentleman will ever place his arms upon the table either before, during, or after a meal. 
• Meats are to be cut with a single gliding movement of the knife, not by converting it into a saw. 
• Keep the elbows always close to the side, no matter how ample may be the room between the guests. 
• Never hurry the dinner. Let everything come along promptly on time, and move steadily thereafter. 
• Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. 
• Be punctual. To keep a dinner party waiting under any circumstances is the greatest social indecorum. 
• Take soup only from the side of the spoon—unless wearing a mustache. Never sip it with an audible sound. 
• Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. 
• He lives longest and most safely who at dinner, and elsewhere, turns down his glasses and “tastes not the cup.” 
• If an accident of any kind should occur during the dinner do not seem to notice it—unless help may be quietly given. 
• Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.” — The Morning Union, December 27, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

23 Victorian Dining Rules

Though catalogs and shops in the 1870’s, 1880’s and 1890’s featured the newest and latest designs in tableware, knowledge of the “correct fork” to use is nowhere on this list of good table manners for guests, and hosts, alike. Knowing all of the correct utensils is wonderful, but the premise of good manners being based on kindness towards our fellow man, remains the same. 

Dining at the 19th C. Table

True politeness has its origin in Christian charity and kindness. All standard rules of etiquette were founded for the greater convenience and happiness of all the members of society. Although the reasons may not be obvious at first sight, they exist, and will be apparent on a careful consideration. 

1. Do not keep others waiting for you, either at the beginning or at the close of the meal. 
2. Do not sip soup from the tip, but from the side of the spoon. 
3. Be careful not to drop nor spill anything on the table cloth. 
4. Keep your plate neat; do not heap all sorts of food on it at once. 
5. In passing your plate to be refilled, retain the knife and fork. 
6. When asked for a dish, do not shove, but hand it. 
7. While drinking, do not look around. 
8. Instruct the servant to hand the cup at the left side, so that it may be received by the right hand. 
9. Do not drink your tea or coffee without first removing the teaspoon from the cup to the saucer. 
10. Use the knife for cutting only; never put it to the lips nor in the mouth. 
11. Break your bread into small pieces and rest them on your plate while spreading. 
12. Do not eat too fast. Besides giving one the appearance of greed, it is not healthy. 
13. If you find anything disagreeable in your food, put it aside as quietly as possible, without drawing the attention of anyone to it. 
14. Do not open the lips nor make any unnecessary noise in chewing. 
15. Do not touch the head. 
16. Do not rest the elbows on the table. 
17. Do not speak with the mouth full. 
18. Brush the table neatly before bringing on the dessert. 
19. Be thoughtful and attentive to the wants of those about you. 
20. Converse on pleasant subjects with those sitting near you. 
21. Do not say anything not intended for all present to hear. 
22. Leave your plate with the knife and fork lying parallel, the handles pointing to the right. 
23. Never leave the table before others, without asking the lady or gentleman who presides to excuse you. — Russian River Flag, 1871

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Elbows and Emily

One blogger unaware of her 1937 stance, states that Emily Post's position​ evolved on many subjects but,"There was one standard, she refused to relax, which was the importance of chaperones." In Victorian society which she came of age in, "no proper young lady would risk the damage to her reputation that might be incurred by an unchaperoned trip or overnight stay with a young man. Until the end, Emily Post believed that was sage advice."

The fountains of sacred rivers flow upward, everything is turned topsy turvy. This plaint of Euripides is echoed 23 centuries after the Greek dramatist by no less a modern mentor of manners and morals than Emily Post, whose name is synonymous with etiquette. Mrs. Post is nonplussed by the confusion of modern life, by the way in which the younger generation has taken the bit in its teeth. 

But she is not worried as to the basic goodness of her fellow women, she told a New York audience. Instead of deploring the disappearance of the ancient institution of the chaperone, she chuckles over the interesting problems that have resulted; instead of teaching the conventions to her young readers she finds she must adapt the conventions to fit modern behavior. 

Etiquette means something more important in human conduct than choosing the right fork, a lapse of which Mrs. Post herself frequently is guilty since she is both near-sighted and absentminded; she also, let it be whispered so that your children do not hear, puts her elbows on the table at dinner when she feels like it, and says, "it really makes no difference." 

What does make a difference is eternal vigilance to be considerate of the rights of others, and to be kind. At the moment, Mrs. Post is deep in the study of a great problem; Is it correct for a woman to pay all or part of the dinner and entertainment check? She is brooding about this to the exclusion of all others and will write a book about it when she has completely made up her mind. 

In the daytime in the business world, she muses, a man and woman are equals, work as companions, lunch as co-workers. But in the evening matters are changed, the woman becomes a woman again and the man pays and pays. Is that fair, she wonders, when women are earning as much or more than the men who entertain them? Would it not be fairer if he takes her out once and she takes him another time? We await with bated breath her decision on this vital question. – San Bernardino Sun, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia