Etiquette: Praising vs Complaining

Constructive criticism and complaints can help companies grow. Business experts agree that finding out about employees with poor behavior can save a business money, and customers, in the long run. After all, poor behavior cannot be corrected if the management staff is unaware of the behavior. – “The managers I have talked to are generally responsive to customers' complaints, and tend to deal fairly with the employee who has been criticized. I talked to the headwaiter at a good restaurant, who said that the waiters and waitresses were allowed three minor infractions before dismissal.”

Complaining isn't always bad manners…

Is it necessary to put up with bad service in the name of politeness?

I say, "No."

Take the case of the two young women who had just finished a large lunch at a nationally franchised restaurant. They decided that they'd each like to have a hot fudge sundae, so they called the waitress over.

"We'd each like a hot fudge sundae," said Girl One.

The waitress looked perplexed. "Your checks are both full. I don't have any room to write down the sundaes."

"Why don't you put both of our sundaes on a new check?" asked Girl Two.

"I can't, because the rules say that two people's orders can't be on one check," replied the waitress.

Girl One: "Why don't you give us each a second check?"

Waitress: "The rules say each customer can only have one check."

Silence. Then Girl Two said, "You mean we can't have any hot fudge sundaes?"

"I guess not," said the waitress.

I watched this Alice in Wonderland dialogue, and was surprised when the girls decided to deal with the waitress' incompetence by not leaving a tip. Instead of leaving without their sundaes, they should have discreetly explained the situation to the manager.

Then there was the case of the woman who called the coat department of a store to ask about a specific coat. She got a clerk on the phone, who immediately said, "Hold on a minute, I've got a customer." After 10 minutes the woman on the phone got the idea the clerk wasn't coming back, so she decided to go downtown to look at the coat in person.

When she got in the store she recognized that she was talking to the same clerk who had held her on the phone.

"I'd like to ask about that raincoat," said the woman. Just then the phone rang and the clerk said, "Just a minute, I've got to answer the phone." You guessed it. She didn't come back. After 10 minutes the disgruntled customer left the store without any information. That was a mistake.

It's unfortunate to have to make complaints, but it's not bad manners. When you pay for services, you deserve to get them. It's important, however, that you don't lower yourself by indulging in sarcasm, yelling or name calling when making a complaint to the offender or his or her boss.

In some cases going over someone's head to complain to the boss is the only fair thing to do. If you want to discuss poor merchandise, it makes more sense to talk to the buyer or customer service. In a restaurant, ask for the owner or manager.

The managers I have talked to are generally responsive to customers' complaints, and tend to deal fairly with the employee who has been criticized. I talked to the headwaiter at a good restaurant, who said that the waiters and waitresses were allowed three minor infractions before dismissal. He gave throwing matches at a customer or being short as examples of prohibited behavior.

The letter is another way to register a complaint. You could write to the owner or manager of a business, outlining as rationally as possible the problem you've had. A letter is also a great way to compliment a clerk, waiter or waitress for special consideration.

In some department stores employees who receive letters of praise are rewarded with money, or by having their picture in a company paper.

Go out of your way to complain about bad service. And go even further to praise good service.– By Maureen Elena Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette is Not Antiquated

 Behaving Well is Not an Antiquated Idea

Showing up in a polite, positive, or good way means that you are behaving well. Adults enjoy seeing children who mind their manners; children form etiquette-ful habits and behaviors from the example of adults; and everyone appreciates the kindnesses shown by others. 

Yet, as an etiquette instructor, I hear comments about how etiquette skills are antiquated in modern society.  Ironically, this perception only holds when people, and those around them, are behaving well. 

Tradition

Custom may inform us on how to govern, manage or conduct ourselves, and it’s wise to observe the local circumstances and try our best to adjust behaviors accordingly. Only individuals, however, can conduct or comport themselves.

Conducting oneself responsibly is the crown on considering oneself grown-up.  How good it feels when someone recognizes you for not only being appropriate, but going a step further in kindness, and consideration for the feelings of another.

Longstanding language expressions call us to serve our better selves: 

• Act politely
• Mind your manners
• Make good choices
• Mind your p’s and q’s
• Play fair
• Observe the rules
• Tow the line
• Keep the peace
• Act reasonably
• Do the right thing
• Be nice and kind
• Be on your best behavior
• Observe the Golden Rule
• Act with decorum

These reminders have been heard throughout our lives on various occasions. Not only are they traditional phrases, they are instructions for behaving well.

Behaving Well Encourages Positivity

In the 18th century, Adam Smith claimed that agreeable manners inflame our natural love of virtue and increase our tolerance of imperfection.  They often correct or ascertain our natural sentiments with regard to the propriety of conduct. Suggesting many nice and delicate intentions, they shape us to a more exact justness of behavior—without which instruction we would have been at a loss to think of.

The above list of reminders, and the fact that we hear or say them often, offers clues to the difficulties of acting on them.  It also prompts us that another person may be struggling with their own good behavior, calling us to patience and compassion as they choose to act with propriety and kindness.

Though a person who has been reminded that he needs to behave more suitably may feel that the idea is antiquated and instead retorts, “Whatever,” humans might have long understood, the building of mental strength is about self-regulating emotions, managing thought expression, and aiming for the positive, despite circumstances.  

Behaving well, or acting in a manner of kindness, courtesy and respect, flies under the radar of noticeable actions.  Why? Because it is assumed that everyone aims for good rapport and harmony with each other in every circumstance.  As long as this is the norm, conducting oneself properly will never become an antiquated idea.

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New Year’s Etiquette in Japan

Holidays – Parliament Day in Japan

“At the recent election for the House of Peers held under the newly adopted Japanese Constitution, forty-four members were returned – twenty-two, were farmers, fifteen were merchants, and only one a noble. When it is remembered that until recently Japan has been con- trolled by the nobility with their feudal ideas, the reaction of the present day will bring to pass great and wholesome changes. It is to be hoped the spirit of modern improvement will now animate the Japanese.” – 

From the back of this card. This collector card and others like it, were packed in Duke's Cigarette’s packages, from the Gilded Age to the early 1900’s

Holiday Etiquette in Japan:

How the Jovial Japanese Make Life Merry and Happy

Mrs. H. H. Thompson, writing in “The Cosmopolitan” of the holidays of the Japanese, says New Year’s day is not altogether a holiday. The national idea of justice is shown by the law requiring all debts to be adjusted at the beginning of the year. Therefore, no one gives himself up to unrestrained enjoyment of this day until his accounts are satisfactorily arranged.

On this day, for which we had been impatiently waiting, we prepared to go everywhere and see everything. Festive preparations had been going on for many days, such as thoroughly renovating and cleaning houses, planting evergreen and bamboo branches along the street and on either side of the vestibules or doorways. The bakeries were teeming with delicacies. Professional rice-pounders, with their immense mortars and pestles, were hurrying from house to house. Flowers and ornamental shrubs of exquisite varieties were sold on every street, and shops displayed their daintiest wares and toys.

An interesting custom prevails in preparing the home feast to provide a liberal supply of food for the poorer neighbor. Each house, too, must be decorated, which is not a difficult task in this ever-blooming land. Every house and street was brilliantly illuminated for the inauguration of the new year; in fact, the entire city, bay and adjoining country presented a brilliancy that we never saw equaled. During the morning a Sabbath-like stillness prevails while accounts are being adjusted. Indeed, it has been said that New Year's day is the only Sabbath of Japan. After that all is astir; every one in festive garments and with smiling face exchanging polite greetings.

The Japanese are well trained in the laws of good breeding, and, in their several grades, seldom offend the rules of etiquette. According to these rules, a joyous freedom is extended to everyone on this day of days. Various styles of reception cards are carried through the streets on elegant lacquered trays by obsequious servants. It is the custom of Japanese merchants to send as gifts to the families of their customers beautiful fans and toys of exquisite designs.

One of the most popular amusements of its day is masquerades, in which parents, children and servants delight in puzzling one another by personifying various families of rank. Here there are fathers, with the big and little boys, who are intent upon the use of the top, with which they are very expert, while groups of pretty girls and young women play merrily with battledore and shuttle-cock. 

At one time we were mystified by sweet, musical sounds in the air, resembling those proceeding from an aeolian harp, and discovered that these came from a great number of kites flying over the city. Our Japanese teacher and interpreter explained this mystery by showing us a strip of the bamboo stretched across the frame of the kite.

Banquets are spread in the streets for the police, and for the benefit of those that prefer this repast to the more private dinner at home. Buckets, barrels and porcelain jars are everywhere overflowing with new saki, which everybody drinks, and yet to the credit of these people be it said, there is little drunkenness. Far into the night some religious ceremony is enacted by the head of each household, and by the priests in their public temples, which all evil spirits brooding about on wrong intent are said to exorcise; and thus the day is ended.

The Japanese are determined to enjoy life as they go. All classes may be seen leaving their homes to go on short journeys into the country - where, under the rustic shade of blossoming fruit trees, or in one of the endless tea houses, they may rest, refresh and enjoy themselves. We often observed family groups visiting the suburbs, or temples, or statues on some high hill, with apparently no other object than to view the landscape under a light fall of snow, or to gather some of nature’s treasures to adorn the grottoed wall, or miniature lake in the bit of garden at home, or to amuse the children. - Los Angeles Herald, 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tobacco Etiquette in Diplomatic Circles

“Bismarck always smoked like Vesuvius until the infirmities of advancing years compelled him to exercise a certain discretion, but even now that he has passed his seventieth birthday he is rarely seen outside of official hours and spaces without a huge porcelain pipe with its stem, a yard long, hanging against his waistcoat.” – Public domain image of Otto Von Bismarck, the German statesman and aristocrat, Bismarck was the Minister President of Prussia, and later, became the first German Chancellor. 

                                             

Great Men and the Tobacco Habit

It is pathetic to remember the helpless writhings of Charles Lamb in the toils of the habit enfolding him like a coil of Medusaen serpents or like the tentacles of a Newfoundland octopus. In his “Confessions of a Drunkard,” he describes the exchange of one thralldom for another, that of the goblet for the pipe, and how at first the latter seemed benign in the comparison, but at last became a scourge of scorpions, leaving him no rest night nor day. Spirits, diaboli, black anthropophagi, hob- gobblins, lemures, continually haunted him; Abaddon vexed and Maher perplexed him; to him, Raleigh, who brought the terrible weed over the seas, was as one who had opened a new Pandora box, fountain of inexhaustible woe to mankind, or as the dark angel who had uncorked the last Apocalyptic vial, loosing the pent up and unend- ing floods of wrath to engulf and overwhelm the world. He would have sympathized with Dr. Talmadge’s denunciation of it and lent him tropes and rhetorical missiles to hurl at it.

Tennyson, according to Carlyle, “floats in and out in a great element of tobacco smoke a wide, breezy, comfortable figure of a man not easy to waken, but great when he is once aroused.” Carlyle’s own pipe went with him to the end. “Doctor,” he said in his later days, when at some health resort he had called in the local Asclepius, “I'll do anything ye say, but ye maun na tak away my pipe be.” When he was usher at Annam he suffered, as he always did, from dyspepsia. He went forty miles to consult a doctor of great local fame, who told him to stop smoking. He stopped several months, but it produced no effect upon his malady, so he took up his abandoned pipe again. “I found,” he said, “that I might as well have poured my woes into the long, hairy, hollow ear of the great jackass I met, as to have ridden forty miles to consult that doctor.”

Bismarck always smoked like Vesuvius until the infirmities of advancing years compelled him to exercise a certain discretion, but even now that he has passed his seventieth birthday he is rarely seen outside of official hours and spaces without a huge porcelain pipe with its stem, a yard long, hanging against his waistcoat. It is plain enough that tobacco has been associated with some of the highest practical speculation and imaginative work which has been done in the world since it was discovered, and if it could be brought face to face with its enemies in some court qualified to sit in judgment on its case it would doubtless have a good deal to say for itself.

Webster hated tobacco, and if his guests at Marshfield wanted to smoke they had to go out to the horseshed. In this way he was almost alone among the public men of his time. Clay chewed; Jackson smoked a corncob pipe, giving audiences while in the White House to all manner of people with that inexpensive calumet (said to be the best pipe going) in his mouth. The Washington of that day, as of some subsequent periods, was paved with spittoons, one President anchoring a gigantic utensil of this description, its crater a yard across, in the middle of his reception room by way of diverting in that direction the noble expectoration rage of his visitors some of whom in the ardor of colloquy spat on the floor, out of the window or perchance fortuitously in the casual neighboring hat. 

Such was the habit of the American patriot of that period, surviving yet in some of his successors. It is a safe bet that when Joe Blackburn called on the President the other day, in the heat of his emotions he executed salivary parabolas worthy of the best days of the Republic, hitting everywhere with a casual disregard of etiquette, cuspidors or precedent. – Brooklyn Eagle, 1885

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Persian Smoking Etiquette

Though smoking is still a very popular habit in Iran, formerly Persia, lawmakers there implemented a tobacco smoking law which banned smoking in all outdoor and indoor public places, places of work, and while on public transport.– Public domain image of hookah smoking in Persia

THE WEED IN PERSIA… AN ORIENTAL LAND, SAID TO BE THE SMOKEN'S PARADISE.

The Persian's Social Position Shown by the Number and Value of His Pipes

The Eternal Water Pipe – The Etiquette of Smoking

Persia is the smoker's paradise. In the first place, tobacco is cheap; fourteen pounds of it in the cured leaf cost from three to ten shillings. There is no middleman or manufacturer to mix, chop, scent, flavor and adulterate it. The grower cures it and packs it in bags of skin. In these bags the merchant sells it to the retailer; and then the smoker, pipe in hand, samples the various lots, and purchases from a pennyworth to a bagful, as seemeth to him good. 

There are various kinds of tobacco in Persia: the leaf tobacco, which is smoked in the kalian, for hubble-bubble; the Kurdish tobacco, which is almost white, and consists of the leaves and stalks of the plant coarsely pulverized. This is a very fragrant pipe tobacco, and may be obtained mild or excessively strong, and it is smoked in chibonques or in the Arab short clay pipe. The only recommendations of the Arab pipe are its cheapness and its portability. It is a simple tube of clay about six inches long, with a bore an inch in diameter; it is constructed in the middle, and bent at nearly a right angle. It is essentially the poor man's pipe. Crammed with a Kurdish tobacco, of which it will hold half an ounce, it is passed from hand to band until it is smoked out.

In the north of Persia and in the capital the papiros, or cigarette, is rapidly gaining ground; the commonest Samsoon tobacco is used as a rule, or a very similar article grown in Ghilan and rather superior to it. But the real national pipe of Persia is the kalian. Among the merchant and tradesman class the kalian is over between the lips. The peripatetic vender of smoke is seen in Persia in every place where men congregate for business or pleasure. Even at executions the criminal will ask for and receive a farewell whiff of the eternal water pipe before he is blown from a gun. I have seen a man undergoing the long agonies of crucifixion seeking solace in the kalian.

THE PERSIAN AND HIS PIPES

The social position of the Persian is shown by the number and the value of his pipes. The pipebearer to a great man is a highly paid domestic, who may have in his care from fifty to a hundred pipes, varying in value from £5 to £500. The pipes of the King and of the Royal Princes are often made entirely of gold incrusted with a profusion of gems; the middle and upper classes generally content themselves with kalians whose reservoirs and stems are of solid silver, the bowl only being of gold ornamented with gems or enamels. 

The religious classes mostly affect a kalian of the simplest kind; the water reser voir being a wide mouthed bottle of course porous clay, the stem being composed of curiously turned wood stained a bright crimson, and the bowl made of a black porcelain resembling ebony in appearance. But in the privacy of their own harems, the holy men do not disdain to smoke the costly pipes of their wives; for everybody smokes in Persia - old men and maidens, young men and children - and the old women are the most inveterate smokers of all.

Among the middle classes the water reservoir is often composed of glass, elaborately cut and often decorated with the florid colored and gilt ornamentation which Turkish art has rendered familiar to us. These glass reservoirs, for which there is an enormous market throughout Persia and central Asia, are made in Russia. Rose water is frequently used in place of the vulgar fluid; rose leaves, tiny rosebuds, and the immature fruit of the almond or plum are tossed into it, and as the smoker at each inhalation sets the liquid in violent motion, a pleasant sight is thus offered for his contemplation, much resembling the pretty toys that may be seen in some of the filter shops in London. In the hot weather, a porous clay reservoir is affected by all classes, as it is supposed to cool the water that purifies the fragrant smoke; they will even ice the water. The water is changed every time the pipe is lighted, and is itself not without its uses; for it is an ever handy and never failing emetic – useful thing in a country where poisoning is not infrequent.

ETIQUETTE AND PUNCTILIO

Probably the Persians are the most poetical as well as the most practical people in the world. All through the summer the stems of their pipes are decorated with circles of tiny moss rose buds; or, the interstices having been filled with grass seeds or grains of corn, the pipe is handed to the smoker covered with rows of sprouting verdure an inch and a half long. This decoration of pipes is part of the duty of the pipe bearer or of the ladies of the harem, and the pipe bearer's office is no sinecure. He has several stocks of tobacco of varying quality.

The etiquette and punctilio of pipe smoking are endless. When a visitor is offered a pipe, and there is not a second one, he declines it at once; his host must smoke first. This, if the entertainer be much superior in position, be will actually do, but otherwise ho declines, and the guest, having first offered the pipe to the other visitors, who decline it as a matter of course, proceeds to smoke, and then it is handed round to everybody in order of rank. 

No business in the east can be done without the smoking of many water pipes; it forms a large portion of the enjoyment of the Oriental bath, it fills up the pauses of conversation, and, when a man is at a loss for an answer, it gives him time to think. The very sound of the bubbling water in a hot country is soothing to the ear. That it is not smoked in Europe is probably due to the fact that he who would smoke the Persian water pipe would need to keep a Persian servant to fill it for him. - Foreign Letter, 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Contributor Spotlight on Candace Smith

 

As Etiquipedia’s most prolific contributor, Candace Smith is so valued by us for her contributions to this site, we are delighted to focus on her for our Contributor Spotlight during the month of April 2025.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, who for the last dozen years has been teaching university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, Candace discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations and she sought out lessons in etiquette to help her smoothly fit in with everyone – from world leaders to struggling university students.

 

What was the impetus for starting her Etiquette business?

A life-changing event was the impetus for Candace Smith’s interest in teaching and writing about etiquette. When her husband was awarded a Nobel prize in 2002, Candace found herself traveling the world with him and dining at some very formal social gatherings. In the years that followed, she said that she gradually became aware of how uncomfortable she was in many of these social situations.  

Awakening to a long-felt desire to know appropriate social graces that would put her at ease and help her feel ≥confident in social situations, Candace decided to attend etiquette and protocol certification classes, and these kicked off a deep immersion into the study of the importance of etiquette and its practical application to many of the problems of life. 

By 2012, after her first classes in etiquette and protocol course work, Candace and her husband attended a formal event in Scotland. The experience was like night and day from the others, she says. She noted a markedly increased comfort level in dining and socializing skills and she truly enjoyed the occasion. It was her confirmation that a knowledge and training in social skills do matter. She realized then and there that she had a desire to help others gain the confidence and poise so vital to feeling comfortable in not only social, but professional, settings. 

Published weekly, her Etiquette Blog now features over 475 etiquette articles. They are filled with straightforward considerations and solutions aimed to address social and workplace challenges of not only daily, but professional life. We are thrilled and thankful that she allows Etiquipedia to repost so many of them.

 

Below are links to a small amount of Candace Smith’s popular articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette and Adam Smith
• The Art of Modern Introductions
• Respect and Etiquette
• Etiquette and Confidentiality
• Etiquette and Self-Awareness
• Defining “Modern Manners”
• Etiquette and Control
• Etiquette and Modesty
• Confusing Etiquette with “Outclassing” Others
• Etiquette and the Grief of Others
• Elements of Great First Impressions

What do you enjoy teaching the most regarding Etiquette?

What is often thrilling is that participants in my hands-on seminars report being very pleased that their comfort and confidence levels have increased in such a short time. Fears are reduced through their new knowledge. I enjoy thinking of my projects and services as public goods.

What do you find rewarding about teaching Etiquette?

I am always learning, too. Questions posed to me, or that come to mind and the need to research them, lead me on to new appreciations. The concept of civility, which interrelates with etiquette and fine manners has grown in mind and practice. It is through my engagement with others that spur ideas for my blog articles. I am writing a book, “Etiquette in the Business of Life Day by Day,” that I hope will offer inspiration each day by engaging readers in civility appreciation through practicing etiquette a little each day. 

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why?

I enjoy adult groups as they aren’t forced into taking the class or in need of being persuaded.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading?

Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Amy Vanderbilt, – Candace’s favorite quote of Amy’s is, “I am a journalist in the field of etiquette.” And Emily Post.

If you would like to reach Candace, you can get in touch with her through her website, Candace Smith Etiquette. Her book, Etiquette in the Business of Living, Day by Day was published in February of this year. It is available on Google Books.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia