Etiquette in Gilded Age Boston

“So tell us about your new social club, girls.” The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette!

“New! Social Clubs for Working Girls in 1888!”

The successful beginning of a social club for working girls in Boston shows that experience has taught the way of interesting and amusing a most critical class of young women. Efforts made by girls of leisure to meet socially those who work, are apt to fail from want of tact on the part of the former and suspicion from the latter. Sometimes the benevolent young lady makes the mistake of establishing too intimate and cordial relations with the working girl whom she kindly hopes to elevate and encourage.


She visits the girl at her home, invites her to dinner or tea, and places their relations on the basis of intimate friendship. Although some instances of this method have been excellent in results, many; have been painful in termination. On the other hand, a social club with educational aims may be made beneficial to all its members. A young woman who was active in the formation of a successful club said to me, "Both the girls at leisure and the girls that work gain from our pleasant relations. We learn much from the others. Girls who earn their own living; gain a keenness from meeting the world which we cannot attain in our quiet home lives. They are so bright, too. We feel that they can take our measure, as it were, at once, and we are sometimes positively afraid of their penetrating looks."


It has been found that the young woman who has achieved social success in her own circle is most apt to be appreciated by the girls who know nothing of the ways of society. The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette.—From the Boston Journal, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for 19th C. Ladies

You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

In preparing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down as the first rule, “Do unto others as you would others should do to you.” You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

True Christian politeness will always be the result of an unselfish regard for the feelings of others, and though you may err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be impolite.

Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, in graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant both to please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us; a still clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice; there can be no true politeness without kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. 

Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not really existing in the heart; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much.

Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite and call it deceitfulness.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they may be entirely ignorant of the forms of good society; they may be awkward at table, ungrammatical in speech; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seeking solely for their own personal convenience; they will always endeavor to set every one around them at ease; they will be self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, polite.

Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a lady, created by God, only indebted for the outward polish to the world.

It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and courtesy, but when there is no heart in the work, the time is frittered away on the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and customs of society, and this politeness seeks only its own ends; to be known as courteous, spoken of as lady-like, and not beloved as unselfish and womanly.

Thoughts on Etiquette and Manners, by Florence Hartley, 1860 

Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed and will exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares not approach his ignorant, barbarous ruler without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most polished courts in Europe, or the home circles of America, etiquette reigns.

True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form, and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.

Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot exist where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. It is founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, and to show love. Thus, where such pure, noble feelings do not exist, the mere forms of politeness become hypocrisy and deceit.

Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends. Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be charitable, for all need charity. Remember who said, "Let him that is without fault cast the first stone." Remember that the laws of politeness require the consideration of the feelings of others; the endeavor to make every one feel at ease; and frank courtesy towards all.
Never meet rudeness in others with rudeness upon your own part; even the most brutal and impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy and kindness, than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence on your part. Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished surface throws back the arrow.

Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses polite regret. Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything by being offered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most common-place action will admit of grace and ease in its execution.

Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance with etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely by the heart. To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at all times, and under all circumstances. – From 1860 Vanity Fair Magazine, Taken from the Ladies' Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness in 1860, By Florence Hartley

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pre-Eminent Etiquette Book of 1800’s

… and Dining Dont’s

Professor Thomas E. Hill, author of “Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms,” (regarded as the pre-eminent etiquette book of the late Victorian Era in America) had been a teacher, newspaper publisher and served two terms as mayor of Aurora, Illinois.

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Many Americans in the 19th Century were concerned with how to establish order and authority in a society which was becoming increasingly industrialized and urban. Etiquette, in the broad sense of correctness in many facets of both business and personal life, was one way to address this problem. "Hill’s Manual," first published in 1873, presented proper letter-writing, penmanship, legal forms, family records, and “speaking and acting in various relations of life.” 

The section of this popular, comprehensive volume entitled, “The Laws of Etiquette: What to Say and How to Do,” included helpful advice on improving one's manners, the proper use of calling cards, conduct when shopping, how to engage in conversation, traveling, proper behavior in church and school, rules of parties and dances, courtship, marriage, etc...

“Never allow butter, soup or other food to remain on your whiskers. Use the napkin frequently.” Thomas E. Hill

Dining was a popular social pastime, and a meal could be twelve courses or more. "Etiquette of the Table” was prominently featured in "Hill's Manual." Politeness at the table was to be cultivated; ways to achieve it were outlined on one page and illustrated with properly dressed and well-behaved diners.

       

           

“Errors to be Avoided” were presented, along with a comical, numbered depiction of “Bad Manners at the Table,” including:

1. Tips back his chair.
2. Eats with his mouth to full.
3. Feeds a dog at the table.
4. Holds his knife improperly.
5. Engages in violent argument at the meal-time.
6. Lounges upon the table.
7. Brings a cross child to the table.
8. Drinks from the saucer, and laps with his tongue the last drop from the plate.
9. Comes to the table in his shirt-sleeves, and puts his feet beside his chair.
10. Picks his teeth with his fingers.
11. Scratches her head and is frequently unnecessarily getting up from the table.

Some of Thomas Hill’s advice may seem overly fussy or ridiculous to the modern reader. However, one must consider that many people in the Victorian Era, both in the U.S. and abroad, were seriously concerned with promoting civility in all aspects of their lives. In an updated “Hill’s Manual,” one writer suggests that “Perhaps we would add: Do not talk on your cell phone or text at the table.”

From a variety of sources and Thomas E. Hill’s, “The New Revised Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms: A Guide to Correct Writing,” 1893

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

18th and 19th C. Children’s Etiquette

Books containing rules of courtesy and behavior were plentiful among early printed English books. These books conveyed the ideal manners and morals of children in Colonial America.

One of the earliest books, "The School of Manners," had been published in London in 1701. The directions in this book of etiquette were copied from a famous book entitled, "Youth's Behavior, Or Decency in Conversation Amongst Men," a popular 17th century publication.

Originally written in 1577, rewritten in 1908

The "Youth's Behavior" contained many rules and instructions worded from still older books on courtesy, such as "The Babees Book" and "The Boke of Nurture." According to all of these publications, it was certainly natural the children should be affected by the regard for etiquette and the distinctions of social position which they saw all around them. 

In those days all children were considered to be young adults and expected to obey the same rules of etiquette as adults. Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

19th Century Shaker Advice to Children on Table Manners

"Cut your meat both neat and square,
And take of both an equal share.
Also, of bones you'll take your due,
For bones and meat together grew.

Don't pick your teeth, or ears, or nose,
Nor scratch your head, nor tonk your toes;
Nor belch nor sniff, nor jest nor pun,
Nor have the least of play or fun."

In Colonial America, the Puritans were opposed to girls and boys or men and women dancing together.

They were also opposed to May Day celebrations and dances around a maypole. In the southern colonies, however, dancing was regarded as a pleasant social activity. Many dance manuals were published, with diagrammed instructions.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Sewing and embroidery were favorite pastimes in early America. Scrapbooks were another favorite pastime, and both children and adults would spend hours carefully pasting illustrations into albums with flour and water glue. They also made their own cards and pressed flowers.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

In the early days of America, children were ordered never to seat themselves at the table until after the blessing had been asked, and their parents told them to be seated. They were never to ask for anything on the table; never to speak unless spoken to; always to break the bread, not bite into a whole slice; never to take salt except with a clean knife; not to throw bones under the table.
One rule reads, "Hold not thy knife upright, but sloping; lay it down at the right hand of the plate, with the end of the blade on the plate."
Another rule stated, "Look not earnestly at any other person that is eating."
When children had eaten all that had been given them, if they were "moderately satisfied", they were told to leave at once the table and room.
Ask for nothing; tarry till it be offered thee.                                Never sit down at the table till asked, and after the blessing.  
Speak not.  
Bite not thy bread but break it.  
Take salt only with a clean knife.  
Dip not the meat in the same.  
Hold not thy knife upright but sloping, 
and lay it down at right hand of plate with blade on plate.  
Look not earnestly at any other that is eating.  
When moderately satisfied leave the table.  
Sing not, hum not, wriggle not.  
Spit no where in the room but in the corner"

The School of Manners

The School of Manners, 1701 

From "Of Behaviour at the Table"

Come not to the Table unwash’d or not comb’d.

Sit not down till thou art bidden by thy parents or superiors.

Be sure thou never sit till Grace be said, and then in thy due place.

Offer not to carve for thy self, or to take any thing, though it be what thou ever so much desireth.

Ask not for any thing, but tarry till it be offered thee.

Find not fault with any thing that is given thee.

When thou haft meat given thee, be not first to begin to eat.

Feed thy self with thy two Fingers, and the Thumb of the left hand.

Speak not at the Table; if thy superiors be discoursing, meddle not with the matter.

If thou want any thing from the Servants, call to them softly.

Eat not too fast, or greedily.

Eat not too much, but moderately.

Eat not so slow as to make others wait for thee.

Make not a noise with thy tongue, mouth, lips, or breath, either in eating or drinking.

Stare not in the face of any one (especially thy superior) at the Table.

Graese not thy Fingers or Napkin, more than necessity requires.

Dip not thy Meat in the Sawce.

Take not salt with a greazy Knife.

Stuff not thy mouth so as to fill thy Cheeks; be content with smaller Mouthfuls.

Smell not to thy Meat, nor move it to thy Nose; turn it not the other side upward to view it upon the Plate.

Spit not forth any thing that is not convenient to be swallowed, as the Stones of Plums, Cherries or such like; but with thy left hand neatly move them to the side of thy plate or trencher.

Bend thy Body a little downwards to thy plate, when thou moveth any thing that is sauced to thy mouth.

Before and after thou drinkest, wipe thy lips with thy Napkin.

When thanks are to be returned after eating, return to thy place, and stand reverently till it be done, then with a bow withdraw out of the Room, leaving thy superiors to themselves, unless thou be bidden to stay.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia