Etiquette and the Deaf

It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly.– Image source, Candace Smith Etiquette

 

Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them. –From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of Today"

🧏🏻‍♀️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette with Physical Challenges

 

(Above) A pie, pickle or even a “Nelson fork” — Some fork designs were sold for different purposes in different regions of the U.S. and in Europe. Other utensils were modified a bit to suit new foods, as foods that were considered delicacies, fell into and out of, fashion. A “Nelson fork” was a fork adapted for eating with one hand, after British Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson lost his arm while fighting Napoleon at Tenerife.

Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat apposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life’s most difficult adjustments. 

Of course, I didn’t and don’t now know his story. I didn’t have to him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone, in a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the Individual himself can make. Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide it he is going to go right along with it.

 DECISION COMES FIRST 

This decision must come first. And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things. There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap. When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place. 

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE 

He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn’t stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact, I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor. I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don’t believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn’t need either. – Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Business Etiquette Diversity IQ Test

Today’s workplace is nothing like your great grandparents’. Workplace etiquette is continuously evolving, as is what is considered one’s actual “workplace.” This Workforce Diversity Quiz is from the mid-1990’s, though the advice given is perfect for many situations in the workplace of today.
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4. You are a white male. Several new positions have been created at your company, but the informal buzz is that they are being reserved for “a certain type of person.” You want to apply but fear that you are not the right color or gender. How do you handle the situation? * A. You ask your boss whether you should apply * B. You let it slide and complain to your colleagues in private that white men just don’t stand a chance at this place * C. You apply

Work Force Diversity...

 Test Your Diversity IQ

Here’s a chance to test your diversity-etiquette IQ by matching your answers against those of our experts in this multiple-choice test. Not everyone will agree with the answers our experts have provided. Clearly, there often is no right or wrong answer. Still, we offer this tentative road map to the evolving new manners of the workplace.

1. A woman in your office is very private about her personal life. You suspect she’s a lesbian, but you want her to know that’s OK with you. So you:

* A. Tell a few lesbian jokes to provoke comment

* B. Invite her out for a drink to talk about it

* C. Mind your own business

The answer is C. She has every right to keep her personal life as private as she wants to, and many lesbian and gay men in the workplace have reason to be fearful of their sexual orientation becoming known. However, if you are supportive and she’s ready to talk about it, she will. You cannot force the issue. As for the other two choices, the first option could be construed as harassment, and inviting her out for a drink might also be construed as sexual harassment, whether you’re a man or a woman.

2. Your male boss has taped a photo of a scantily clad woman from a lingerie catalogue on the wall of his office cubicle. Each time you confer with him, you are forced to see this photo, which you find inappropriate for the workplace. What do you do?

* A. Put up a Chippendale’s male dancer poster

* B. Talk to him about it

* C. Talk to his supervisor about it

The answer is B. Our experts recommend using the most informal method initially. You might say, “That photo makes me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate it if you took it down.” If talking individually to him doesn’t work, you could ask him to meet with a group of women co-workers to show that you are not the only one who finds the picture offensive. Do not post your own poster; you do not want to escalate the situation by stooping to his level.

3. You are an executive in a medium-sized company. Lately you have been hearing a lot of grumbling and complaints about Susan, a mid-level manager. After some investigation, it becomes apparent that Susan is not doing her job, although there’s no smoking gun that would allow you to fire her immediately. Plus, you have another problem: Your company needs to show that its management ranks include a certain percentage of women and minorities, and Susan is both. Still, you are increasingly worried about flagging morale. What do you do?

* A. Fire Susan

* B. Ignore the situation; eventually it will go away

* C. Explain to the staff why firing Susan would cause a problem

* D. Talk with Susan

The answer is D. In fact, our experts say not talking with Susan on a regular basis could have caused the problem in the first place. Part of your job includes providing employees with feedback about how to improve their performance. As a boss, you have a responsibility to develop her talents and communicate with her regularly so things don’t degenerate to the point where you have to fire her. However, if after talking and coaching Susan, you conclude that she is still not performing up to company standards, fire her and document it. Otherwise, you would be supporting an incompetent person to the detriment of everyone.

4. You are a white male. Several new positions have been created at your company, but the informal buzz is that they are being reserved for “a certain type of person.” You want to apply but fear that you are not the right color or gender. How do you handle the situation?

* A. You ask your boss whether you should apply

* B. You let it slide and complain to your colleagues in private that white men just don’t stand a chance at this place

* C. You apply

The answer is A. Our experts advise being as direct and upfront as possible in this situation. Tell your boss you are interested in the position but that you have heard the job may be reserved. Then ask whether it’s appropriate for you to apply. If you have a good boss, he or she will be honest in answering. The boss has a responsibility to tell you whether the job is reserved and why. The boss may tell you, “We need a person of that gender or race in this company because we realize we need different points of view and voices as we make our business decisions.”

5. You are a woman working in a mostly male office. You feel shut out of social interactions with your colleagues and bosses because the men cluster together at every opportunity to discuss sports. You couldn’t be more bored by the topic, but you realize you are missing important opportunities to schmooze and bond socially with higher-ups. You also have a nagging feeling they are doing this to exclude you. You should:

* A. Seethe silently

* B. Bone up on sports so you can take part in this important ritual

* C. Say something

The answer is C. You don’t want to stop men from enjoying their sports confabs, but you also want to feel included and to reap the benefits of these informal relationships. You might say, “Hey, I’m really not interested in sports, but I’d like to be included in conversations, so can we find some other topic in common that we can discuss?” The trick is not to imply that the men are behaving badly, which will only alienate them, but to make it clear what your needs are and that you want to feel included.

6. You work with a person of color. You like this person and want to become more friendly but feel awkward in conversation. You’re not sure how to refer to him or her. As a black? African American? Nor are you sure how to refer to Mexican Americans. By that term or Hispanic? Chicano? Latino? What is the appropriate and sensitive way to proceed?

* A. You play it safe and avoid the topic

* B. You float a term like a trial balloon and wait for the person’s reaction

* C. You ask the person what he or she would like to be called

The answer is C. The reason you feel uncomfortable is because in our society we think it’s inappropriate to introduce and discuss such topics. You might tell your colleague that while you feel awkward about being so blunt, you are bringing up the subject so you can learn. This sets the tone for further communication and dialogue.

7. You are Japanese American. Your boss and some of her colleagues are discussing where to go for lunch. They want Chinese food. Your boss sees you and exclaims happily, “Let’s ask May! She’ll know.” You:

* A. Say, “Why don’t we ask a Chinese American person; I’m Japanese American.”

* B. Make an ethnic joke

* C. Say, “How would I know?”

The answer is A. Don’t assume your boss is a racist, but don’t let it pass unregarded. Take the middle ground. Try to engage your boss in a conversation that will educate her.

8. You’re walking into your office building when you see someone who is apparently partially paralyzed struggling to open the door. You:

* A. Rush up and hold the door open

* B. Stand back and wait for the person or go to another door to avoid the situation

* C. Ask if the person would like help

The answer is C. Don’t make any assumptions— ask instead. When people see someone with a disability, they often assume they don’t have to ask for permission to help. But that is condescending. However uncomfortable it may be, ask first.

9. You are a black female manager. Yesterday you were having lunch in a restaurant with a colleague when you overheard a conversation between Brad, one of your young, white, male employees, and his lunch companion. Brad was complaining vehemently about the lack of opportunity for white men in your group. He said all the recent promotions have gone either to women or people of color, and he threatened to see an attorney because he believes he is a victim of reverse discrimination. What do you do?

* A. Stop by Brad’s table on the way out to say ‘hello‘

* B. Ignore what you heard because Brad was on his own time

* C. Enroll Brad in the company’s next diversity training workshop

* D. Talk to Brad about what you heard

The answer is D and possibly C. Although it might be easier to ignore what you heard, the situation should be handled in a more direct way. Talk to Brad and explain that you inadvertently overheard his conversation and ask him to share more of his thoughts and opinions with you.

Many white men today feel “out of the loop” and passed over for promotions. Some also fail to see women and people of color as individuals, instead focusing on them as representatives of groups that are taking something away from them because of affirmative action programs or government intervention.

In your talk, try to help Brad explore why he’s not being promoted and others are. Also try to help him realize that he is still valued as a member of your staff. It is your job to help Brad see that diversity is a workplace reality that will not go away. You could send Brad to a diversity training course, but this should not be seen as a punishment, and it must be reinforced by discussions before, during and after the training.

10. You’re a male employee who’s receiving love notes from a female co-worker. She wears low cut blouses, leans over your desk, brushes up against you whenever she gets a chance. Everyone in the office thinks it’s a joke, including your boss, but you’re not laughing. You’ve already told her to stop, but she won’t. What should you do?

* A. Complain to a co-worker and find a way to retaliate

* B. Go to your boss, even though he thinks the whole thing is a joke

* C. File an EEOC complaint

The answer is B. You need to go through your direct supervisor first, even if he thinks it’s a joke. You should also put your complaints in writing so there will be a paper trail. Your complaint will then have to make its way up the ladder through the company. It is necessary to follow the chain of command and exhaust in-house remedies before seeking outside action.

11. Maria is a Latina being interviewed for a corporate position. She feels the interview is going well. As it winds down, Maria’s prospective boss says: “Gee, I really admire your ambition. It must have been tough for you to leave your roots behind in order to succeed in the business world.” How should Maria respond?

* A. Let it pass, fearing that if she calls him on his racist comment, she won’t get the job

* B. Make a snide comment back

* C. Regardless of whether Maria gets the job, she should remind him of what he said and explain why she found it upsetting

The answer is C. Whether Maria gets the job or not, she should tell her interviewer afterward that she was offended. Of course, this is a measured risk. Sometimes, when unpleasant comments are made, one has to ask: “Is this a battle I want to fight?” You can win the war, but you can’t win every battle. On the other hand, Maria may decide she doesn’t want to work at a company where people feel free to make such comments.

12. You are a woman who regularly attends management meetings that are dominated by men. One of the men has a penchant for telling sexist jokes. He thinks they’re funny; you find them offensive. What should you do?

* A. Say nothing and hope it doesn’t happen again, but secretly prepare your own sexist jokes aimed at men

* B. Boycott the meetings

* C. Challenge the man and his joke. Say, “I don’t believe this is happening in this room and I find it offensive.”

* D. Go to the boss

There are several ways to handle this common office problem. One choice is C, challenging the joke teller. However, our experts say that if the man persists in telling such jokes, complaining to the boss is the next step.

13. You supervise a group that is composed of three-person teams. Today, one of your white employees came in to talk to you about two other team members. She says they frequently speak Spanish when the three of them are working together and she feels left out. She also thinks they are talking about her. She wants you to stop them from speaking Spanish during working hours. You:

* A. Tell her you think she’s overreacting

* B. Have a group meeting and talk to all of your employees about the issue

* C. Agree to the employee’s request and issue a written memo saying that only English will be spoken in the workplace

* D. Talk to the three people involved

The answer is D and possibly B. Although you cannot stop the two employees from speaking their native language, you can talk about the impact of speaking in a language that other team members don’t understand.

It would also be helpful to determine if there’s a valid reason for their choosing to speak Spanish on the job. Often, employees find it more convenient to communicate work problems in the language they are most comfortable with. If these employees are not fluent in English, perhaps you should provide language training.

The white employee’s complaint is not unusual. She feels left out and assumes that the other two people are talking about her. You should make it clear that you are not forbidding the employees to speak in their native language, but rather asking them to include her and be sensitive to her feelings.

14. John is a 30-year-old black man who has worked in your group for three years. He has an MBA from one of the best business schools in the country and is one of your top performers. An opportunity for a promotion just came up in the corporate office, and you recommended John for the job.

A colleague in the corporate office has other thoughts. Although he is complimentary of John’s work, he doesn’t feel John is “right for the job.” The problem is that John is viewed as arrogant and cocky. Further, John ruffled a few feathers when he challenged the company president about his commitment to diversity during an open forum meeting.

Your colleague said he would interview John but offered little hope that John would get the job. He even hinted that you’d be jeopardizing your own career by sponsoring John. What should you do?

* A. Sponsor John for the position and let him take his chances during the interview

* B. Heed your colleague’s warning. After all, you don’t want to put your career in jeopardy

* C. Sponsor John but give him some coaching before the interview

The answer is C. You should give John as much help as possible in assessing whether this is the right job for him, as well as in preparing for the interview. It would probably be inappropriate for you to share what your colleague said, but it might be useful to give John feedback on how some people perceive him.

Part of a manager’s job is to support their employees and act as sponsors or mentors, which often involves giving feedback based on subjective information. You should be prepared to talk to John about your own view of his work and his behavior.

Assessment of someone’s self-confidence is often based on other feelings we have about the person. Minority men have complained that their self-confidence is perceived as arrogance, while the same trait is viewed more positively in their white colleagues.

If you feel John’s self-confidence is unnecessarily inflated and unseemly, he needs to hear this and have the opportunity to improve.

15. You are a corporate manager interviewing applicants for a marketing job that would include some travel and putting on seminars. One of the applicants, Mel, uses a wheelchair. You have concerns about whether his disability would interfere with the job requirements. You want to bring up the subject but aren’t sure how to handle it. You:

* A. Level with Mel, telling him that despite his qualifications, you worry that his disability will affect his ability to do the job

* B. Ignore the issue, thank Mel and put his application in the circular file

* C. Ask Mel to describe how he would handle the job on a daily basis

The answer is C. With reasonable accommodation, 90% of all jobs can be done by 90% of all working-age people with disabilities. Chances are that if Mel is qualified, his disability will pose no problem.

You should focus on Mel’s experience, qualifications and ability to do the job, not his disability. But don’t be afraid to discuss in an open, straightforward manner how he would approach his job duties and what accommodations, if any, might be necessary. Under the federal Americans With Disabilities Act, answer B would constitute discrimination. Answer A could be discriminatory.

The Diversity IQ Experts
The answers to our “diversity IQ” test were provided by the following group of experts.
* Ed Mickens, a business columnist for the Advocate and publisher of Working It Out, the Newsletter for Gay and Lesbian Employment Issues.
* Alan Reich, of the National Organization on Disability, a Washington-based nonprofit group that promotes full participation of Americans with disabilities in all aspects of life.
* Gerda Steele, a Pasadena-based diversity expert.
* Joy Hawkins, Los Angeles-based, specializing in diversity and leadership issues.
* Elsie Cross, who runs Elsie Y. Cross Associates, in Philadelphia.

— By Denise Hamilton, Los Angeles Times, 1994

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Showing Courtesy to Wheelchair Users

If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

The Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, prepared a pamphlet titled, “What do I do when I meet a person in a wheelchair?” It offers suggestions for non-wheelchair users who encounter wheelchair users. Below are the 12 guidelines from that booklet: 

1. Always ask the wheelchair user if he or she would like assistance before you help. Your help may not be needed or wanted. 

2. Don’t hang or lean on a person’s wheelchair because it is part of the wheelchair user’s personal body space. 

3. Speak directly to the person in the wheelchair, not to someone nearby as if the wheelchair user did not exist. 

4. If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

5. Don’t demean or patronize the wheelchair user by patting him or her on the head. 

6. Give clear directions, including distance, weather conditions and physical obstacles that may hinder the wheelchair user’s travel. 

7. Don’t discourage children from asking questions about the wheelchair. Open communication helps overcome fearful or misleading attitudes.

8. When a wheelchair user “transfers” out of the wheelchair to a chair, toilet, car or bed, do not move the wheelchair out of reaching distance. 

9. It is OK to use expressions like “running along” when speaking to the wheelchair user. It is likely the wheelchair user expresses things the same way. 

10. Be aware of a wheelchair user’s capabilities. Some users can walk with aid and use wheelchairs because they can conserve energy and move about quickly. 

11. Don’t classify persons who use wheelchairs as “sick.” Wheelchairs are used for a variety of non-contagious disabilities. 

12. Don’t assume that using a wheelchair is in itself a tragedy. It is a means of freedom that allows the user to move about independently.      – From the Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette for Graciously Meeting Those with Physical Disabilities

Franklin Delano Roosevelt with a friend's daughter. 
On "The Handicapped"... "In meeting the handicapped there are special elements to be taken into consideration if one is to treat them with the understanding and the courtesy that are the basis for all proper social behavior.  One who is sincerely interested in human communication, in being genuinely helpful, will pay only so much attention to the disability as is necessary to give the other the help he needs and wants, will not call undue attention to it by extravagant gestures of sympathy and elaborate offers of undesired help, will give such help as is asked for or indicated in a matter-of-course way, neither evading nor emphasizing the fact of the disability, and will in general keep his companionship with the other on a basis that will keep communication and companionship between the handicapped and the unhandicapped as nearly normal as possible." From Eleanor Roosevelt's, 1963 "Common Sense Book of Etiquette"

More often we are seeing disabled people in working environments.  Whether they are bagging our groceries or working behind a desk, they are providing a valuable service whatever that may be.  Always show the utmost kindness as they are fellow human beings like us.  This should be obvious but unfortunately silly fears can creep in.

Linda Fitzpatrick, founder of The Disability Etiquette Training Company, outlined some good points about the principles of handshakes with people who have disabilities.

1. Always offer to shake hands.

2. Smile, make eye contact and be at eye level.

3. Be sure you have the full attention of the person with whom you wish to shake hands.

4. If a person with a disability is with a companion, shake hands with both people. However, if there is a service animal, do not pet the animal.

5. By necessity, a handshake involves touching, so if the person seems touch averse, be prepared to be extra gentle or to step back. A simple touching of fingers may be enough to convey the customary respect.

6. Take your time and use the opportunity to form a thoughtful connection.

7. Most important, see the person first, not the disability.

These are good foundations for meeting those with a variety of disabilities.
  

When shaking hands with a person in a wheelchair, bend or find a way to sit so that you can converse eye-to-eye. It can cause neck strain for the person in a wheelchair if they have to look up. My husband is permanently confined to a wheelchair and I know this can bother him. Never touch the wheelchair or rest a foot on the wheels as it’s an extension of their personal space.

Whether you are conversing through sign language, or speech, you are still conversing ~ "Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room." Jonathan Swift

A person who is deaf or hard of hearing may not realize that you’ve extended your hand. Give a slight wave or a very gentle tap on the shoulder to gain her attention. People with hearing disabilities often complain about being handled too roughly.

"There is hardly any personal defect which an agreeable manner might not gradually reconcile one to." Jane Austen

If you are greeting someone who is blind, ask if you can shake their hand and he will be delighted to do so. Depending on where you are, giving simple instructions can be very helpful. For instance, “There’s a table to your left and a chair to the right where you could sit.”

"It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life... All that matters is that you got to get up." Ben Affleck

What if the person is an amputee? Please never look shocked…regain composure quickly. Extend your hand and let the person guide you. A small gesturing of touch is an acknowledgement of the other person and shows respect.

Children often have the best attitude. They aren’t fearful and will ask questions. My husband has no issue with a small child asking him why he’s in that wheelchair. He explains that he had a bad sporting accident and tells them to always play safely. Good judgement and kindly manners will always be effective guides.

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009.  Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media. 


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia