Etiquette and “First Ladies”

or...

 Will the Real First Lady Please Stand Up?

Writers of etiquette books, and those in Washington society, were horrified in 1877 when journalist Mary C. Ames referred to Lucy Webb Hayes as “the First Lady of the Land”

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON

The wife of the chief-justice, and not the wife of the President, is the first lady in the land, and takes precedence of all others. She holds receptions and receives calls, but she alone is excluded from all duty of returning calls.
 
The life of a lady in society at Washington is exceedingly onerous, and more especially so if she be the wife of any official. Next in rank comes the wife of the President.

SOCIAL DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT

It is made the duty of the President to give several state dinners and official receptions during each session of Congress. Besides these, there are the general receptions, at which time the White House is open to the public and every citizen of the United States has a recognized right to pay his respects to the President.

PRESIDENTIAL RECEPTIONS

On the days of the regular " levees " the doors of the White House are thrown open, and the world is indiscriminately invited to enter them. No "court" dress is required to make one presentable at this republican court, but every one dresses according to his or her own means, taste or fancy. The fashionable carriage- or walking-dress is seen side by side with the uncouth homespun and homemade of the backwoodsman and his wife.

From "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette- A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society E. B. Duffey ~ 1877

DINING AT THE WHITE HOUSE

DURING THE HAYES ADMINISTRATION

 

Etiquette and Protocol

At these affairs, a balance between men and women was maintained. Upon arrival, guests gathered in the East Room where the gentleman received an envelope containing the name of his dinner partner. At 7:00 P.M., the President and First Lady appeared. They led a double procession from the Red Parlor into the dining room.

 

During Hayes’ term in office, state dinners were served a la Russe - in the Russian style of bringing prepared plates and bowls from a separate serving area. No food or serving dishes appeared on the table to detract from the elaborate centerpieces, candlesticks, etc. Because Lucy was fond of fresh flowers, bouquets from the White House Conservatory were prominent on the tables. Each guest chose between two offerings for each course. The multi-course dinners could last up to three hours. Following dinner, Lucy was fond of leading guests into the conservatory.

Dinner with the Hayes Family

The Hayeses entertained close to 400 guests at formal and informal dinners during their four years at the White House. Cabinet members, politicians - friend and foe alike - intellectuals, literary figures, and military officers were frequent guests. Fellow Ohioans, Congressmen William McKinley and James A Garfield, were the Hayeses most frequent guests. Future president William McKinley, Hayes’ close friend and Civil War comrade, attended dinner 17 times while Garfield enjoyed dinner at the White House eleven times

.

Even though the First Lady had the social obligations of her "office," she had no hired staff. Lucy Webb Hayes invited nieces, cousins, and the daughters of friends to stay at the White House. The young ladies assisted as hostesses, attending state dinners, Lucy’s Tuesday evening levees, and Saturday receptions. Everyone benefited from the arrangement: Lucy had help with her entertaining, and the young ladies enjoyed Washington society. The letters of Lucy Scott West, penned during her stay at the White House, offer a rare, first-hand glimpse into White House social events during the Hayes Administration.

From The Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center

Lucy Webb Hayes was a popular hostess in Washington D.C. ; “Mrs. Hayes, on one of her tours with her husband, was asked if she did not get tired of seeing so many people and going so much, and she replied: ‘Oh, no; I never get tired of having a good time.’”—  Laura Carter Holloway

The following is a newspaper account of a luncheon held by Mrs. Hayes for fifty young ladies: 

Mrs. Hayes Lunch Party
State Dining Room in the White House
(Extracts from Philadelphia Times)

The young ladies visiting Mrs. Hayes, Miss Morgan of New York; Miss Mills of San Francisco; Miss Russell of New York; Miss Scott of New Orleans; Miss Devens of Boston; and Miss Herron of Cincinnati, have had much done for their entertainment during their visit. To day Mrs. Hayes gave a lunch party in their honor at 2 P.M. In the state dining room. Over fifty young ladies were present, and no married lady except Mrs. Hayes. In addition to the guests staying in the house, there was Chief Justice Waite's daughter; Justice Harlan's daughter and her friend, Miss Butler, Justice Bradley's daughter; Justice Miller's daughter, Ex-Justice Strong's daughter; Miss Lucy Work, who is a guest of Judge Swayne's family; the daughters of of Senators Carpenter, Bayard, Kernan, Pendleton, Randolph, Bailey, Edmonds and Vorhees, Speaker Randall's daughter, General Le Duc's daughter, Admiral Porter's daughter, Surgeon General Barnes' daughter, General Sherman's youngest daughter, two of Secretary Evart's daughters, Secretary Shurze's two daughters, British Ministers two daughters, the daughters of the Chilean, Spanish and Portuguese Ministers; Miss de Chambrun, the great-grand-daughter of General Lafayette; Miss Devans, the Attorney General's niece; Miss Bartlett, the daughter of the Secretary of the Chinese Legation; Miss Davenport and Miss Scovil, the guests of Representative Claflin s wife; the daughters of Representatives Loring and Norcross of Massachusetts; Miss Freeman, daughter of the late Colonel Freeman, whose family are so well known in Pennsylvania; Miss McCulloch the daughter of the Ex- Secretary of the Treasury; Professor Baird's daughter; Miss Scott, whose father is stationed at the Arsenal; Miss Pattison, whose father is in command at the Washington Navy Yard; Miss Stone, the sister in-law of Assistant Secretary of State John Hay, and her friend Miss Mather; Miss Haymaker, the guest of Mrs. Senator Nathan P. Hill of Colorado; and Miss Taylor; Miss Porter of this city.

As the State dining table seats only from thirty six to forty, it was extended by long tables reaching nearly across the room place that right angles with it at each end. Mrs. Hayes sat at the end of the room, and it the other opposite and Miss Russell of New York. The other young ladies staying in the house were dispersed among the guests. No gentleman were present. The table was exquisitely adorned with flowers and dishes of fresh and candied fruits, candelabra, etc. Potted plants were also grouped about the room. The plants and ferns in the conservatory were seen to great advantage through the long windows. A photograph was taken off the table, by Jarvis, the Washington View Photographer. The dinner cards were perfectly plain, square, white cards, with a silver edge and the coat-of-arms of the United States upon them. From the list of guests it will be noticed that nearly all the classes of officials ever seen in Washington society were represented- the Supreme Court, both Houses of Congress, the Cabinet and Diplomatic Corps, and also some private citizens. –Miss Grundy

A White House Wedding... President and First Lady Nixon in the recessional of the 1971 wedding of Tricia Nixon and Edward Cox

“I applaud the wives of our Presidents. They do wonderful work for the people of our country. They are to be commended for simply helping their spouses through the grueling hours and painful intrusions into their most private lives. However, the First Lady (an honorary title, by the way) was always the spouse of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, as those on the Supreme Court have their jobs until they die, or retire, if they so choose. They are the only such lifetime jobs our government offers. The Presidency was, and still is, simply a “temp job.”

Writers of etiquette books, and those in Washington society, were horrified in 1877 when journalist Mary C. Ames referred to Lucy Webb Hayes as “the First Lady of the Land.” Prior to Ms. Ames pilfering the “First Lady” title for her article, no references to wives of the President were anything but just that; The wife of the President. Aside from the fact that Washingtonian etiquette prescribed the social duties involved in being a First Lady at that time, and the Supreme Court Justices wives took their duties very seriously, many wives of Presidents were not all too happy that their husbands were running for the office. Some wives were very content to stay in their homes, close by to their friends, and they did not wish to pull up stakes for a move to Washington.

Take Anna Harrison for example. She was 66 years old when her husband William Henry Harrison was elected President. She loved her home was not too keen on moving. She had bore many children, and six had died over the years prior to her husband winning the Presidency. She had no political or social agenda, or desires. She is often quoted as saying, "I wish that my husband's friends had left him where he is, happy and contented in retirement." She skipped the festivities in Washington after her husband's win, and decided to wait until after his inauguration to move to Washington. She missed his record breaking inaugural speech in the freezing Washington air. Six weeks into his term, Harrison died from pneumonia and pleurisy. Anna received the news as she was packing to move to Washington D.C."
-From Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura Graber, Etiquette Sleuth

On official rank ~ “The President's wife, however, holds a position only second in importance: the wife of the Chief-Justice of the Supreme Court is the First Lady in rank.”  —    From “Our Manners at Home and Abroad: A Complete Manual on the Manners, Customs, and Social Forms of the Best American Society... Compiled from the Leading and Most Reliable Modern Authorities” 1881

“The closing months of President Hayes’ administration were marked by national good feeling and cordiality, and the social life of the White House was most brilliant. Dinner parties and invitation receptions followed each other in rapid succession, and the guests that were entertained there were great in numbers. The extent of her hospitality was estimated by ladies whose husbands had official relations with the President, and who by right of their positions were often at the White House entertainments, as being greater than any other hostess who had preceded her in her high position. She never gave a dinner or an evening party that was not on a scale of elegance compatible with her position, and hence only praise can be said of her administration.” 
—From “The Ladies of the White House, Or, In the Home of the Presidents: Being a Complete History of the Social and Domestic Lives of the Presidents from Washington to the Present Time” By Laura Carter Holloway, 1881 

Though “POTUS” had been used since the Johnson administration, it is believed Nancy Reagan was the first to be referred to as “FLOTUS”

Secret Service agents were reported to have picked up the term in everyday use during the Reagan years, and added a dimension: “To their Secret Service shadows they may be ‘Potus’ and ‘Flotus,’” wrote Donnie Radcliffe in The Washington Post in a 1983 citation, the first use in the Nexis database. Flotus (pronounced FLOW-tus, to rhyme with Potus, and not FLOT-tus) is “First Lady of the United States,” an informal designation first applied to Mary Todd Lincoln that has become a quasiofficial title. –From “On Language; Potus And Flotus” By William Safire, 1997

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ptah-Hotep's Early Egyptian Teachings on Etiquette

Ptah-Hotep, a prominent figure of Ancient Kemet society is the first recognized philosopher of moral values.  He wrote an early piece of Egyptian "wisdom literature" meant to instruct young men in appropriate behavior, or etiquette.

Ptah-Hotep; The Instruction of Ptah-Hotep is the most ancient complete literary work existing. It was written in the Fifth Egyptian Dynasty, 3580 B.C. to 3536 B.C. In this papyrus book, Ptah-Hotep sets down the rules of behavior that all wise men should convey to their sons.

In the 3rd millennium BC, Ptah-Hotep wrote The Maxims of Ptah-Hotep. The Maxims were conformist precepts extolling such civil virtues as truthfulness, self-control and kindness towards one's fellow beings. Learning by listening to everybody and knowing that human knowledge is never perfect are a leitmotif. Avoiding open conflict wherever possible should not be considered weakness. Stress is placed on the pursuit of justice, although it is conceded that it is a god's command that prevails in the end. Some of the maxims refer to one's behaviour when in the presence of the great, how to choose the right master and how to serve him. Others teach the correct way to lead through openness and kindness. Greed is the base of all evil and should be guarded against, while generosity towards family and friends is deemed praiseworthy.

Some of Ptah-Hotep's Teachings

Rules for Courteous Debate

If you find an debater talking, one that is well disposed and wiser than you, let your arms fall, bend your back, be not angry with him if he agrees not with you. Refrain from speaking evilly; oppose him not at any time when he speaks. If he address you as one ignorant of the matter, your humbleness shall bear away his contentions.

If you find an debater talking, your fellow, one that is within your reach, keep not silence when he says anything that is evil; so shall you be wiser than he. Great will be the applause on the part of the listeners, and your name shall be good in the knowledge of princes.

If you find an debater talking, a poor man, that is to say, not your equal, be not scornful toward him because he is lowly. Let him alone; then shall he confound himself. Question him not to please your heart, neither pour out your wrath upon him that is before you; it is shameful to confuse a mean mind. If you be about to do that which is in your heart, overcome it as a thing rejected of princes.

Proper Etiquette as a Guest

If you be among the guests of a man that is greater than you, accept that which he gives you, putting it to your lips. If you look at him that is before you (your host), pierce him not with many glances. It is abhorred of the soul to stare at him.

Speak not till he address you one knows not what may be evil in his opinion. Speak when he questions you ; so shall your speech be good in his opinion.

The noble who sits before food divides it as his soul moves him; he gives unto him that he would favor- [it] is the custom of the evening meal. It is his soul that guides his hand. It is the noble that bestows, not the underling that attains. Thus the eating of bread is under the providence of the God; he is an ignorant man that disputes it.

Do Not Gossip

Repeat not extravagant speech, neither listen to it; for it is the utterance of a body heated by wrath. When such speech is repeated to you, do not listen to it, look to the ground. Speak not regarding it, that he that is before you may know wisdom.. 

Etiquette, Forks and Chopsticks

The Latin “de gustibus” translates to “in matters of taste” – For those who dine primarily with chopsticks or with forks, it does boil down to a matter of taste and personal preference, regardless of the history involved, ease or difficulty of use, or one’s country of origin. For another point of view, we have reprinted a 1990 New York Times’ article.

De Gustibus; Older Than Forks, Safer Than Knives

THIS is a plea for chopsticks. Chopsticks for pasta. Chopsticks for string beans. Chopsticks for french fries. Chopsticks for grilled chanterelles. Indeed, chopsticks for just about anything, except perhaps a thick hunk of meat. I have one friend who even uses them to eat ice cream.

I don't mean to be demanding. I know running a restaurant or arranging a dinner party is tough enough without having to worry about additional utensils. But I have long thought most food just tastes better when eaten with chopsticks, and I think diners should have the choice. Let's face it: there is nothing sacrosanct about an eating utensil. It was not until the 18th century, after all, that most people in the United States even used a fork.

According to “From Hand to Mouth,” a history of the use of cutlery by James Cross Giblin (Thomas Y. Crowell, 1987), the wealthy began using forks in this country in the mid-1700’s. Until that time, people got by with a spoon and a sharp-pointed knife. (Potatoes, like other food, were routinely stabbed and gulped off the blade.) Indeed, the fork met with resistance for centuries.

In “Food in History” (Crown, 1989) Reay Tannahill says that although small forks were first used in the 10th century by the Byzantines (the ancient Egyptians used large forks to display sacrificial offerings), it was not until 1533 that Catherine de' Medici introduced them to France, where they were for the most part ignored.

More than 100 years later, Louis XIV still ate chicken stew with his fingers and forbade the Duke of Burgundy and his brothers to use forks in his presence. The British did not start using forks until the 17th century. As late as 1897, Miss Tannahill writes, sailors in the British Navy were forbidden to use them “because they were regarded as being prejudicial to discipline and manliness.”

In contrast, chopsticks have gracefully provided sustenance since as long ago as 1200 B.C. Nina Simonds, whose book “China's Food,” a travelogue of food in China, is to be published later this year by Harper & Row, says that chopsticks (kuaizi in Mandarin, which is derived from the Chinese word for ‘quick’) have been in common use since the Early Han Dynasty, 206 B.C. to A.D. 8.

Simply put, Mr. Giblin writes, they appear to have provided a polite alternative to knives, which Confucius said reminded the diner of the violent act of slaughter. “The honorable and upright man keeps well away from both the slaughterhouse and the kitchen,” Confucius wrote. “And he allows no knives on his table.” I agree to a certain extent, although men do have their place in the kitchen these days. Chopsticks are serene instruments that permit diners to lift food to their lips rather than spearing it. They are elegant in both their simplicity and their singularity of purpose. But so far as I am concerned, their chief appeal is not their absence of violence. It is the opportunity they provide for gustatory involvement. 

In many ways, chopsticks are the culinary equivalent of the stick shift. They enhance the act of eating and make it more participatory, tactile, not to mention fun. They give a certain ceremony to consumption and force the calorie-conscious diner to focus on the ritual of gustation, and therefore on the amount of food being shoveled into the mouth at any time. This increased awareness, in turn, enhances the attention paid to whatever is being eaten and encourages the diner to focus more on flavor.

But the advantages of chopsticks don't stop there. Chopsticks instantly promote a sense of community and conviviality at the table. Chopstick eaters are far less reluctant to lift up their individual plates and taste around. Even French foods like cassoulet, choucroute and ratatouille lend themselves, in part, to chopsticks. (Clearly a knife and fork are helpful for large chunks of duck.) But so do Indian beef curry, thick Tex-Mex chili and Greek souvlaki.

I know a lot of Westerners who do not use chopsticks. They either have little interest in them or have never learned how. Some have been exposed only to Japanese chopsticks, which are tapered, come to a point at the tip and are more difficult to maneuver than Chinese chopsticks. Like sensible shoes, Chinese chopsticks - square at the head and thick at the base - are clunkier, perhaps, but far more functional. They are perfect for eating shish kebab, asparagus spears, shrimp, linguine with clam sauce or Chicken McNuggets.

Of course, anyone can learn to use chopsticks. Chopstick users outnumber fork eaters throughout the world by at least 2 to 1, some scholars of eating habits say. They simply require a desire to learn. But be forewarned: teaching someone to use chopsticks is a little bit like teaching someone to drive a car. It is best not to be related, and better yet not to be teaching someone who is hungry. “Why can't I just use a fork?” is obviously the kind of question best left unanswered.

Norge W. Jerome, director of the office of nutrition for the Agency for International Development in Washington and a professor of nutritional anthropology at the University of Kansas School of Medicine, is pessimistic about the future of chopsticks in the United States. Knives and forks, she says, have a certain “snob appeal” and are too deeply embedded in the national sense of propriety. But I think it is time to re-evaluate this parochialism. Not that everyone should be forced to eat with chopsticks. Let fork eaters have their forks. But why should chopstick lovers always be made to feel like outcasts? Why do they always have to feel left out? Why can't they feel that they belong?

No question about it. Having to bring your own chopsticks to dinner, and to be instantly made a spectacle, is a form of discrimination - not the most heinous kind, but still a shame. At a time when East and West are being merged more than ever before, isn't it time to reaffirm our sense of tolerance, to re-evaluate our table-setting habits and to give chopstick lovers a chance? – By Dena Kleinman, NY Times, 1990 

🥢Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Theater Etiquette for Silent Movies

"It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for the entertainment, or else he or his companion may be obliged to take up with seats where they can neither see nor hear. " John Young

Just in Time for Oscar Week and the Academy Awards

"When you go out on the street, wear an English silk hat, not one of the taper crowned variety popular in the 'movies.' And wear it on your head, not on the back of your neck. Have your overcoat of plain black or dark blue material, for you must wear an overcoat with full dress even in summer. Use a plain white or black and white muffler. Colored ones are impossible. Wear white buckskin gloves if you can afford them; otherwise gray or khaki doeskin, and leave them in your overcoat pocket. Your stick should be of plain Malacca or other wood, with either a crooked or straight handle. The only ornamentation allowable is a plain silver or gold
band, or top; but perfectly plain is best form." Emily Post 

"The fact that slang is apt and forceful makes its use irresistibly tempting. Coarse or profane slang is beside the mark, but "flivver," "taxi," the "movies," "deadly" (meaning dull), "feeling fit," "feeling blue," "grafter," a "fake," "grouch," "hunch" and "right o!" are typical of words that it would make our spoken language stilted to exclude." Emily Post

"There should be no loud talking, boisterous laughter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstrations or anything in manners or speech to attract the attention of others."  John Young

"One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical, but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn." Edith Ordway

"But the girl who goes to the theater with a man about whom she knows nothing except that he has the price of the tickets is running a serious risk. She is violating one of the most rigid principles of etiquette and she is skating perilously out beyond the line marked off by common sense. Nearly every man can, and does, if he is the right sort, present credentials before asking a girl if he may call or if he may escort her to a place of amusement."  Nella Henney

"Very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them." Emily Post

=VERY INCONSIDERATE TO GIGGLE AND TALK=

Nothing shows less consideration for others than to whisper and rattle programmes and giggle and even make audible remarks throughout a performance. Very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them. If Mary and Johnny and Susy and Tommy want to talk and giggle, why not arrange chairs in rows for them in a drawing-room, turn on a phonograph as an accompaniment and let them sit there and chatter!
 
If those behind you insist on talking it is never good policy to turn around and glare. If you are young they pay no attention, and if you are older--most young people think an angry older person the funniest sight on earth! The small boy throws a snowball at an elderly gentleman for no other reason! The only thing you can do is to say amiably: "I'm sorry, but I can't hear anything while you talk." If they still persist, you can ask an usher to call the manager. The sentimental may as well realize that every word said above a whisper is easily heard by those sitting directly in front, and those who tell family or other private affairs might do well to remember this also.
 
As a matter of fact, comparatively few people are ever anything but well behaved. Those who arrive late and stand long, leisurely removing their wraps, and who insist on laughing and talking are rarely encountered; most people take their seats as quietly and quickly as they possibly can, and are quite as much interested in the play and therefore as attentive and quiet as you are.  A very annoying person at the "movies" is one who reads every "caption" out loud.

Emily Post's Theater Etiquette