Manners and Diplomacy 101

The amusing and fascinating book, Cherry Denman's, ‘Diplomatic Incidents -  Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife’

Table Manners and a Semi-Diplomatic Guide Book

Good table manners are more than just knowing which fork to use. They reflect your respect for others, your cultural awareness, and your overall poise. In professional settings, they can enhance your image and build trust. In social situations, they contribute to a pleasant and enjoyable atmosphere. Remember, it's not about perfection as you will soon discover! It's about showing consideration and confidence. She writes, 
“Never underestimate the usefulness of official entertaining. When ice needs to be broken, when friendships need to be forged and contacts consolidated, what better tool to use than food and drink?” 

I want to share with you one of the funniest books I have read so far is Cherry Denman’s, “Diplomatic Incidents - Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife.”  You really do will laugh out loud at experiences that she and her husband, a diplomat for the United Kingdom, encountered when posted to a new assignment. I’m sharing my favorite excerpts from her wonderfully detailed book and I am sure you too will ‘lol’. 

 Let’s really dig in to some delicious bits of Denman’s book…

“Charlie has never flinched in the service of his country. He has chomped his way through jellyfish, ducks' feet, slugs, deep-fried scorpions, donkey burger, assorted testicles, unmentionable innards, turtles, frog-snot, swallows' vomit, snake, dog, camel's hump, yak's eye and my cooking. He was even offered bear's paw on one trip round China and when he drew the line at this, his hosts tried to insist he ate it because next year it would be an endangered species.”

Wow, has that happened to you at someone’s house or at a restaurant? It has happened to many the world over and when you think about it, yes, it does make your stomach turn. How do you bring it light without making drama at the table? Simply, call over the servers point to the offending object and hopefully your meal will be replaced. At someone’s house catch the eye of your host, quickly point to it with gaining attention from those at the table and your host should be up and over to you within seconds replacing your plate.

“My first-ever diplomatic dinner party was a disaster. I had discovered through a series of embarrassing misunderstandings that foreigners are in fact a lot more formal than Brits, so I had gone all out to do things properly. I had invited a number of young diplomats from other embassies in Peking.”

I’ve made embarrassing cooking mistakes and boy have I learnt from them. I like to be super prepared. Let’s say it’s an evening event, I will set and decorate the table in the morning making sure glasses and plates are clean and napkins are laundered. A day or two before I will create the menu and match wines and non-alcoholic beverages to the meal served. Just in case a meal fails, I will make extra which will be waiting for me in the freezer or cooked fresh on the day…for those unexpected ‘dining disasters’.

“Chinese National Day is always worth attending because the food is so good, except for one year when their chefs didn't separate the sweet dishes from the savoury. Everyone piled their plates with spring rolls and noodles, dim sum and butterfly prawns, and poured what they thought to be sweet and sour sauce over everything. It turned out to be a sweet, sickly strawberry custard.”

Have you gone to someone’s house and received ‘less-than-likeable-food’, yes, I have! There is a diplomat inside of us that says you-can-do-this. It is polite to eat some of the food served and you can leave the rest. If there is food that meets your approval, why not take a few servings of that dish to show you are enjoying the hosts food.

“As for dietary restrictions, I once had to cook a dinner party for a group who consisted of a Jewish couple, one of whom was diabetic, two vegans, one person suffering from coeliac disease and one who was allergic to dairy products. Oh, and one nut allergy.”

Arrrrhhh that’s me screaming!!! Allergies and dietaryrestrictions are now something that the modern host needs to deal with. Could you imagine dealing with the guests Cherry Denman hosted! As a host it is good to ask if people have these food requirements and for guests to inform the host. This should occur when the invitation has been given so it gives the host fair warning before shopping is completed.

“At a Chinese banquet I spun the Lazy Susan in the centre of the table with such enthusiasm that the protruding serving spoons knocked over all the wine glasses, one by one, sending China's No. 1 Great Wall claret cascading over everyone's deep-fried noodles with pig's intestines, radically changing the recipe to soup. And I was completely sober.”

Always consider something might go awry...be prepared as a girl scout! I’m sure this was quite amusing to see a diplomats wife spin the wheel of fortune…or unfortunate! When someone spills, breaks or more, keep your cool, smile and proceed to fix the mistake with flawless ease and pretend it never happened.

Other Tricks and Manners’ Minded Tips

Basic Etiquette

Start with the basics. Arrive on time, greet your host or hostess warmly, and offer to help with drinks or appetizers.

Mobile Phones

This is a big one! Silence your phone and avoid checking it during meals. It's a sign of disrespect to those around you.

Ordering and Eating

Be mindful of others when ordering and take your time eating. Avoid making noise while eating or drinking and elbows off the table.

Passing Food
When passing dishes, always pass to the right. If a dish is being passed around, don’t grab it directly across the table; wait until it comes to you in the natural order.

Engaging in Conversation
Mealtime conversation is an art. Listen attentively and engage with others but avoid controversial topics unless you’re in a setting where such discussions are welcome.

Handling Difficult Foods
Certain foods can be tricky, such as pasta, soup, or shellfish. For shellfish, use the appropriate utensils or your hands as needed, and always follow the lead of your host if you’re unsure.

Responding to Service
Treat waitstaff with respect. If you need to get a server’s attention, raise your hand slightly or make brief eye contact rather than calling out or waving.

In our increasingly casual world, it’s easy to dismiss table manners as outdated or unnecessary. However, good manners transcend the table; they are about respect, discipline, and cultural awareness. Ultimately, table manners are a form of communication, silently conveying your appreciation for the food, the company, and the shared experience. So, the next time you sit down to eat, remember these tips and tricks, and take pride in the art of dining well. –By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette & Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Broken by Ambassador

“The etiquette of diplomacy has it that an Ambassador, even one from a republic, who hangs about a throne thereby acquires a sort of obligation to observe the etiquette of the throne. When Bismark wrote his memoirs, even that man of blood and iron wrote only of Kingly persons who were dead; etiquette forbade him even discussing the relations he had with living royalties. It is this rule that Gerard is breaking all to pieces.” Kaiser Wilhelm II was the last German Emperor and King of Prussia, from 1888 until his abdication in 1918. This marked the end of the German Empire and the 300-year reign of the House of Hohenzollern in Prussia, along with the end of the 500-year reign in Brandenburg.– Public domain image of Ambassador James W. Gerard, Ambassador to Germany from 1913 to 1917

Gerard’s Story Will Stir London

(Special Correspondence) LONDON, July 28.- Official London is "shocked." It is not the first time London has been shocked by American ways of doing things, and probably will not be the last. The thing which has caused this particular shock is the announcement of the publication of the memoirs of Ambassador Gerard, who but a few weeks ago was President Wilson's personal representative at the court of Berlin. This story will run in the Los Angeles "Examiner" beginning August 5.

It appears that there is a divinity which doth hedge a King– or a Kaiser – for which Ambassador Gerard, like other Americans, care not one straw. The etiquette of diplomacy has it that an Ambassador, even one from a republic, who hangs about a throne thereby acquires a sort of obligation to observe the etiquette of the throne. When Bismark wrote his memoirs, even that man of blood and iron wrote only of Kingly persons who were dead; etiquette forbade him even discussing the relations he had with living royalties. It is this rule that Gerard is breaking all to pieces. 

Just back from Berlin, only a few days out of the diplomatic service, he is proceeding to tell his fellow citizens in good plain American language just what he said to the Kaiser and just what the Kaiser said to him, and how the German secret-service tried to search his. papers while the German Foreign Office was trying to divert his attention by telling him how much they loved America; and how he introduced the good American phrase, "Until hell freezes over," into the German language, and a lot of similar things.

The point is that Mr. Gerard ought to wait until the Kaiser is dead. Eng- land has no love for the Kaiser, and would just as lieve that the Kaiser play he is dead, but England has a KING and a court, and etiquette is etiquette. In the meantime, the American public will undoubtedly be looking for every installment of Gerard's story, and reading it with eager interest, as it appears as a serial in the leading daily papers of all parts of the United States. – Ventura Free Press, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Stickpin Etiquette and Diplomacy

No stranger to etiquette is the new social arbiter. For years, at various diplomatic posts here and abroad, he has had opportunity to learn what to do, how to do it and at just what time. First, as private secretary to the American Minister at Peking, then as Diplomatic Secretary at Constantinople, Paris and until recently at London, to say nothing of service in the State Department at Washington, have attended to that. This side of 50 years of age, one of the best and most correctly groomed men in the diplomatic corps from pince-nez to pearl stickpin in his cravat, he is sartorially perfect.

Washington – What with a short session of Congress and an early Lent resulting in the White House having perhaps its most crowded social calendar in years, the appearance of Ferdinand Lammot Belin in Washington takes on real significance. Belin has been just appointed to the job of social arbiter at the executive mansion. Upon his shoulders rests the responsibility of steering the social program of the White House quickly, yet faultlessly, along its brief way. And from all indications, he is well-equipped for the task. So those observers of the capital’s haute monde seem to think at any rate. Lavish praise of his ability was seen in the papers when his appointment was announced. It was pointed out that Belin is correct—and the “correct” was capitalized throughout. And there was no doubt in the minds of these writers but that he could tell off-hand where Alice Longworth will sit, as well as the weight of the gold braid on a general’s epaulet. 

No stranger to etiquette is the new social arbiter. For years, at various diplomatic posts here and abroad, he has had opportunity to learn what to do, how to do it and at just what time. First, as private secretary to the American Minister at Peking, then as Diplomatic Secretary at Constantinople, Paris and until recently at London, to say nothing of service in the State Department at Washington, have attended to that. This side of 50 years of age, one of the best and most correctly groomed men in the diplomatic corps from pince-nez to pearl stickpin in his cravat, he is sartorially perfect. But with all these qualifications it is by no means an easy task which he finds confronting him. The White House social program cannot be inaugurated until after congress convenes on December 1st. And it must be concluded before Lent starts on February 18. 

There are 14 official functions on the calendar. It’s up to Belin and his associates to wedge these in during the last ’3l days of 1930 and the first 48 days of 1931. Included in this list are the customary five State Dinners—to the cabinet, to the Vice President, to the Chief Justice and the Supreme Court, to the Speaker of the House and to the diplomats. Receptions, including the famous New Year reception to the general public, complete the list. All eyes will turn to the White House this year. Last season’s official entertaining in the capital suffered greatly, due to the deaths of Chief Justice Taft and Secretary of War Good and subsequent periods of mourning.– Herbert Plummer, Washington Correspondence for San Pedro Pilot, 1930

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Washington Ladies' Etiquette Code

Known the country over as the most beautiful and influential woman there ever was in Washington, Kate Chase, occupied the most powerful position in Washington society that a woman could hold. She held sway in 19th Century Washington D.C., far beyond her gender at the time. 

Gilded Age Ladies’ Etiquette in Washington:  

“The Ladies’ Code”

A 2nd Debut Article 

The ladies' code is more complicated, and it is important to be understood. Ladies of the Diplomatic Corps receive first visits from official society, and duly return the same in good form. 

There is a friction between Senate ladies and Cabinet ladies regarding first calls, but the common law of custom exists, and should be gracefully, accepted. There was more excuse for sensitiveness during the present administration than has existed before. 

The Cabinet ladies were entirely new members of Washington society, excepting the honored and beloved wife of the Secretary of State, who was called to a higher court before social etiquette of the new administration was established, and naturally they felt the newness of their position, and, from a home point of view, regarded it etiquette for the older members of society to make the first call upon the new, hence a conflict, without an authorized umpire to decide a vexed question.

The ladies' visiting code admits of great latitude, and rules must be observed to avoid complications. The old rule of fixed days in every part of the city was best. Why any innovation from the old rule is regarded with favor, I am unable to say; but if carriage hire has produced this result, let it be canceled by "Jeffersonian simplicity," and ladies take time to enter and leave the house with formality due a hostess, and not pay visits as if life depended on the action. 

Many compromising episodes result through lack of "time" and method. Not long ago, a new member of official society with ambition to call where the largest number of carriages were seen, found herself at a funeral. — Brooklyn Magazine, April 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia