Gilded Age Invitation Etiquette

The invitations should be issued a couple of days before the party, that those asked may make their arrangements to be present and not be forced to refuse because of conflicting engagements.

Manners and Customs Practiced in Polite Society

Unless there is to be a large number of guests, verbal invitations are preferable to written ones for a lawn party, as being more in keeping with the informality of the entertainment. If notes must be sent, Demorest advises that they should at least be easy in tone. Couch the requests for your friends society in plain, direct terms. 

The following will serve as a model:

25 SUMMER AVE., GREENFIELD, N. Y.

DEAR MRS. BROWN:

MAY I have the pleasure of seeing you at a little garden party at my house, on next Tuesday afternoon, at four o'clock?

                                               Cordially (or sincerely) yours,

Sept. 7, '87.                                              M. B. GRAY

Never sign a note Miss or Mrs. anything. Let the name stand by itself. The invitations should be issued a couple of days before the party, that those asked may make their arrangements to be present and not be forced to refuse because of conflicting engagements. – Sand Diego Daily Bee, 1887

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Gilded Age Etiquette for the Table

 

“Do not overload the fork. To pack meat and vegetables on the fork as though it were a beast of burden has been pointed out as a common American vulgarity, born of our hurried ways of eating at hotels and restaurants.”
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Unlike contemporary table knives, those of the 18th and 19th Centuries had dull and wide, flat blades. Usually they were steel. Many who were unfamiliar with utensils and their expected dining usage, found the knives ideal for not just cutting with, but for eating from. By the mid-1800’s, etiquette books encouraged diners to stop the practice of eating their food from their knives. As etiquette books are often ignored, small numbers of several generations continued the practice.— Image from “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

Hints for the Table

All soft cheeses should be eaten with the fork.

In using the spoon, be careful not to put it too far into the mouth.

Salt cellars are now placed at each plate and it is not improper to take salt with the knife.

To make a hissing sound when eating soup shows very bad breeding.

Do not overload the fork. To pack meat and vegetables on the fork as though it were a beast of burden has been pointed out as a common American vulgarity, born of our hurried ways of eating at hotels and restaurants.

Pears and apples should be pared, cut into quarters and then picked up with the fingers. Oranges should be peeled and cut or separated, as one chooses.

Grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin falling into the fingers unobserved and thence to the plate. – San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

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Etiquette and Appropriate Conversation

If you’re going to discuss the misfortunes of others, make sure it’s actually your business. “Do not take meal time for retailing … your own or other people’s illnesses, accidents or misfortunes. To do so is always unwise, and, if guests are present, it is decidedly ill bred.” – Actress Linda Emond portraying Clara Barton, the real-life founder of the Red Cross on 'The Gilded Age'

Inappropriate vs Appropriate  Conversation

Do not take meal time for retailing the faults of servants, the misdeeds of children or your own or other people’s illnesses, accidents or misfortunes. To do so is always unwise, and, if guests are present, it is decidedly ill bred. 

A perfect entertainer never confides her worries or her sorrows to an abiding guest, much less will she mention them to one whose visit is to be brief or is only casual. It would be laying a burden upon another at a season when the sacredness of hospitality should protect him from every unpleasant thought.– San Diego Daily Bee, October 1887

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Themes and Gilded Age Levees

Unusual parties of all sorts were commonplace in the Gilded Age. Hostesses were always making attempts to outdo one another in creativity and novelty. The guests at this event wore dominoes? Where? In their hair? The report tells us that the ladies were “elegantly costumed” but fails to mention how they wore the dominoes and why they wore dominoes. But the domino party is certainly not nearly as creative or novel as the “Doll Tea Party” with young adults mainly in attendance during an episode of Julian Fellowes’ and HBO’s “The Gilded Age.” – “Whether their fortunes were old or new, members of Gilded Age society reveled in hosting and attending teas, cotillions, lawn parties, luncheons, and formal dinners—all of which had their own codes of dress and manners. Even picnics were served on fine china.” – SmithsonianAssociates.org

A Brilliant Domino Party 

A brilliant levee was held last evening at the residence of Mrs. Thomas Hildreth, corner of Seventh and Reed streets. The guests wore dominoes, and the ladies were elegantly costumed. The reception was given by Miss Diana Murphy, assisted by Miss Virgie Murphy. Mrs. Dan Murphy and Miss Diana received the guests. The elegant mansion was a blaze of light from top to bottom. The dancing floor was covered with canvass, and at 9:30 dancing commenced. Parkman's band supplied the music.

The company represented the creme de la creme of San Jose society. At 11:30 the dominoes were removed, and at 12 o'clock supper was announced. This important adjunct of the event was conspicuous for its bounty and luxurious provision. It was a royal banquet. Everything passed off in the happiest manner. Miss Diana Murphy is a charming young lady, and her management of this congress of beauty and fashion was a triumph of generalship. Many of the dominoes were quite novel in pattern and color, and the whole affair was characterized by elegance and strict etiquette.

Following is a list of the guests: Miss Annie Colambet, Miss Lois Singletary, Miss Effie Smith, Miss Marcella Spring, Miss D. Sinnott, Miss Ada Ryland, Miss Ryland, Miss Mamie Cory, Miss Carrie Campbell, Miss Gertrude Moore, Miss Amelia Fisher, Miss Virgie Murphy, Miss Viola Lawrey, Miss May Bethell, Miss Lou Bethell, Miss Florence Younger, Miss Gussie Younger, Miss Alice Younger, Miss Fannie Enright, Miss Mary A. Enright, Miss Emma Hildreth, Miss Laura Hildreth, Miss Linda Hildreth, Miss Polhemus, Miss Ida George, Miss Mattie George, Miss Mamie Wilson, Miss Jennie Wilson, Miss Fannie Montgomery, Miss Belle Montgomery, Miss Sallie Trimble, Miss Maggie Trimble, Miss Susie Stone, Miss Ida Davis, Miss Leonia Gambert, Miss Kate Lewis, Miss May Lewis, Miss Lucie Houghton; Mr. and Mrs. Frank Staples, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Caldwell, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Thorne, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Hensley, Mr. and Mrs. Capt. Maddox, Mr. and Mrs. Col. Younger, Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Enright, Mr. and Mrs. J. M. Murphy, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Ben Cory, Mr. and Mrs. Dan Murphy, Mr. and Mrs. J. T. Murphy, Mr. and Mrs. T. W. Spring, Mr. and Mrs. P. McArdle, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Finigan; Mrs. T. H. Burke; Messrs. Joc Ellis, Chas. B. Hensley, Wm. George, Fred. Saxe, Nich. Bowden, Col. Younger, Mr. Schrieve, Horace H. Stevenson, Ed. Rhodes, Chas. Williams, Ned Younger, Shelby Stone, J. B. Clark, A.W. Inglesby, Frank Metcalf, Frank Lewis, O. N. Kent, D. W. Wallis, C. M. Shortridge, Chas. White, Geo. Polhemus, Clemi Columbet, Chas, Chapman, Dan Murphy Jr., Peter Columbet, J Columbet, Willie Beans, Robt. Brennam, J. R. Loeb, W.L. Gill, John Ryland, Jos. Barry, Joe Maddox, Harry Pierce, John Cory, Howell Moore, T. W. Hobson. – San Jose Mercury, 1881

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Tabletop Linen Etiquette and History

Nowadays the tablecloth is only one of several features in the decoration of the table and must share its responsibility with fine china, shining silver and sparkling glass and serve as a background and foil for all of them as well. — Green table linens (as shown above), more than just about any colored linens, seem to go with just about every manner of tabletop accessories, from china and ceramics, to flatware and crystal.

The oldest decorative appointment of the table is the cloth. When plates were still slabs of bread or wooden trenchers, when fingers preceded forks and every guest brought his own knife, nevertheless, strips of cloth were laid over the bare boards with meticulous care and detailed ceremony. By the sixteenth century the cloth had become a specially designed adornment for the table, woven (by hand, of course) in a diaper, basket weave, or damask, and always of linen. Frequently it was ornamented with fringed edges, inset strips of lace, or richly embroidered, those of Italy reveling in color. Save perhaps for a standing salt of silver it was, until the food appeared, the only decoration of the table.

Nowadays it is only one of several features in the decoration of the table and must share its responsibility with fine china, shining silver and sparkling glass and serve as a background and foil for all of them as well. For what is on the tabletop — cloth, place mats or only the fine finish of the table itself — must have the quality of building up all the other appointments or toning them down, of pulling them all together into a unified scheme. With all this responsibility this cover has to be completely right in itself, intrinsically, decoratively, functionally.  

From “Setting Your Table... Its Art, Etiquette and Service,” by Helen Sprackling, 1960

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Place Setting Etiquette

Lay the silver so that the piece to be used first is always on the outside. The piece or pieces for each succeeding course should follow in logical progression of use. — Above is a mid-century modern setting featuring the Franciscan Ware “Desert Rose” patterned tableware with the 1940 Grille Flatware in the “Treasure” pattern.

The Individual Place

Place plate: Mark each individual place with the place (as frequently called “service”) plate. If you have no special plates for the purpose, use a regulation dinner or luncheon-size plate. Space the plates evenly. See that those that you intend to have opposite each other are really opposite each other. The plate should be set just far enough in from the edge of the table so that it will not slip off. A plate at each place is standard table setting except at the most informal meals. Special service plates are nice if you can afford them but any sizable plate will do.

Silver flatware: Lay the silver so that the piece to be used first is always on the outside. The piece or pieces for each succeeding course should follow in logical progression of use. This brings the silver to be used last closest to the plate, which generally is the silver for the salad course.

Lay all silver pieces in a neat parallel arrangement, with the tips of the handles in line with the edge of the service plate and far enough back from the edge of the table so that they are not easily brushed off. They should be laid close enough to each other and to the service plate, yet without crowding, to give a feeling of unity to the complete place setting. Sprawling silver is a pretty sure indication of a careless hostess.

Silver used in the left hand lies at the left side of the plate; that used in the right hand at the right of the plate. In other words, forks are at the left, knives and spoons are at the right.

The oyster fork is the exception to the above rule. It is used in the right hand only and quite naturally lies at the right of the plate. The cutting edges of the knife blades are turned toward the plate.

Whatever your menu, there should be no more than three forks at the left of the plate and three knives at the right on a well-set table. This is a matter of taste and good usage. If the menu requires more knives and forks, they should be brought as needed. Dessert silver is brought later with the dessert service or may be laid at the top of the plate for an informal luncheon or dinner.

 —From “Setting Your Table... Its Art, Etiquette and Service,” by Helen Sprackling, 1960

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Medieval Dinner Service Etiquette

During the Middle Ages, the set-up of the tables, and table manners themselves, were very important. Diners were seated according to their social class at tables of varying heights. Reserved for members of the clergy or, if no clergy were in attendance, the highest in the social class such as the king and queen, were the highest tables. Steel knives, silver spoons, dishes for salt, silver cups, and “mazers.” Mazers were shallow, oftentimes silver-rimmed, wooden bowls that soups were drunk from.    

Medieval service, with its buffet-like courses of many dishes followed by a void at the close of the meal formed the basis of court dining protocol throughout Europe until the middle of the nineteenth century. More strictly defined rules for this kind of arrangement were imposed at the court of Louis XIV, leading to a modified form of medieval-style service known as “le grand couvert.” The pre-eminence of French cuisine during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries led to the adoption of this modus operandi at every other European court and it became internationally known as service à la française. 

A meal of this kind consisted of two courses served from the kitchen and a third course from the 'office' (pantry or confectionery), called le fruit or le dessert, rather than la voidée. Each course usually consisted of the same number of dishes arranged in perfect symmetry, though there was room for variation. A typical first course of an important meal à la française might start with a choice of four different soups (grosses entrées), accompanied by four hors-d'oeuvre, two fish dishes, four main meat dishes (relevés or grosses pièces), twelve side dishes (entrées) and four cold dishes (pièces froides). The second course would consist of a variety of roasts (rotis) and entremets (light dishes, both sweet and savoury). The third course or dessert was frequently laid out on a different table in a separate room and consisted of seasonal fruit, cheese, ices and confectionery.

Although service à la française was visually a sumptuous way of dining, it was wasteful and impractical and gradually started to be replaced in France during the early nineteenth century by service à la russe. This much simpler approach, in which the dishes arrived at table one after the other, rather than in two large mixed buffet-like courses, ensured that the diners could enjoy the hot dishes at the correct temperature and afforded plenty of room in the middle of the table for decorations. This custom was apparently introduced into France by Prince Kourakine, the ambassador of Tsar Alexander I, but did not become widespread until the Second Empire, when it was popularised by Urbain Dubois and Émile Bernard, chefs to William and Augusta of Prussia. 

Their remarkable illustrated book of recipes La Cuisine Classique (Paris, 1864) was the first work to fully explain service à la russe. Dubois was also responsible for its adoption at the English court through his Artistic Cookery (London, 1870), another lavishly illustrated work with sample dinners à la russe for royal occasions and ball suppers of up to 5,000 covers. Dubois also discusses service à l'anglaise, an English arrangement in which there were two separate courses served on the main table, with removes such as roasts and ham on a side table.— From “British Cutlery, An Illustrated History of Design, Evolution and Use”, York Civic Trust, 2001

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19th C. Turkish Royal Court Debuts

Depiction of a 16th C. Turkish bride being taken to her wedding.

A COURT RECEPTION IN TURKEY

In Europe, social life is diversified by Court receptions, the opera, the theatre, balls, dinner-parties, garden-parties, rides and drives, walks, shopping, church-going, and foreign travel. All these have their counterpart more or less true or grotesque in Turkey. Take first Court receptions. These, it is true, are rare, but they are very magnificent when they do occur. The grandest was that held in 1863 at the fete of the circumcision of Youssouff Izzeddia Effendi. As this was a public occasion, answering to our Court drawing-rooms, the wives and daughters of all the great Pashas were obliged to present their congratulations in person to his Majesty; and, the strictest rule of all Turkish etiquette being for the time superseded by another even more stringent — no woman, whatever her rank, dare veil her face in the presence of the Commander of the Faithful.

I leave it to the imagination of those ladies who have undergone the ordeal of preparing a train and a curtsey for our own Court, what anxious cares were bestowed on ugly green and garnet-colored satin gowns, puffed pantaloons to match, on huge wadded paletots worn over the dress, and on French satin shoes. But, above all, the head-dress was the most difficult to arrange, many of the ladies having short-cropped hair. Everything depends on the set of the hótose or coiffure of colored silk gauze, and on the blaze of the jewels affixed to it; crescents of diamonds, aigrettes of diamonds, sapphires and rubies, pearls almost the size of strawberries, pear shaped diamond ear-rings as large as hazel nuts, or coronets resembling old-fashioned Imperial Crowns. Moreover, the head-dress must be most firmly attached, for, as with us, a Court débutante has to exercise herself in the most graceful manner of bending low before Royalty; there a lady has to practice how she may best advance demurely with a long square train passed between the feet, drop suddenly on her knees, dip her forehead three times to the ground, kiss the hem of the august personage's keurk, or furred robe, if that happens to be worn at the time— and after all this, retreat with good grace, and with out losing her jeweled cap at the feet of her Imperial Sovereign. 

Some of the younger married ladies were courageous enough to adopt the European corsage combined with Turkish train and trousers; but the most authoritative of all were three young khanuns who appeared in white Court dresses made in faultless Parisian style, trimmed with wreaths of white roses gemmed with dew, and very simple coiffures to match. These youthful Princesses looked altogether lovely, and when they advanced up the crowded presentation-chamber, they excited murmurs of admiration; they also saluted the Sultan by a deep courtesy only, he standing; but on passing to where the Validé Sultan was seated near her son, they made to her the customary acknowledgments. His Majesty was evidently much charmed by the grace and dignity of the sisters, and showed them marked attention by insisting that they should be seated— a sign of condescension and respect not extended to any other lady present. The Validé humored her son's whim, saying to the oldest of the young Princesses, while patting her on the shoulder, and motioning her to be seated on the low cushions beside her, “Come, my child, come! Be welcome. Sit beside me.”— Cornhill Magazine, 1876

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Dining Etiquette History Bits

“Now” is always a good time to brush up on inoffensive dining habits and how they evolved. If you know how a rule came about, you will most likely remember the rule, rather than tuning it out of your mind as being ridiculous.

Let's start with the table and how it is set. Would you set your table with forks, spoons and handguns? Probably not, unless yours is some type of “theme” event which I do not want to dwell on.

The question of handguns is out of the question for those of us who consider ourselves civilized. But this was a problem European forefathers faced when it came to knives at the table.

Before forks and spoons arrived on the scene, the only implements for eating were knives and one's fingers-a problem, because knives were the weapon du jour and someone who had consumed too much grog I might take offense to another diner’s remarks during the course of the meal. And according to old literature, many people were done away with during dinner time.

Once Europe decided to become more civil, rules for knives at the table had to be created. The blades must be rounded, Cardinal Richelieu decreed, after watching dinner guests pick at their teeth with the pointed ends of their knives.

It was also decided that knives could only be used if they were necessary for a particular fare. Soft foods had to be eaten with the hands (breads, pasta before sauces were added, etc…). Knives laid at the table were to have the blades facing the plate or the diner they were set for, as opposed to facing toward another diner in an aggressive manner.

The placement of the silver, or flatware, is what everyone seems to get confused with in modern society. We still eat with the utensils farthest from the plate first and work toward the plate as we continue the meal. And the utensils above the plate are reserved for dessert, with two exceptions: the salt spoon and butter spreader.

Salt cellars are small dishes containing salt, and hopefully a salt spoon, which is a tiny thing that looks as if it belongs in a dollhouse.

And gesticulating (waving one's knife in the air) while talking was and still is frowned upon. When eating with one's hands, one finger was kept extended and out of the trencher (the bowl the food was served in) to remain free of grease. That finger could then be used to dip into the salt without tainting it. Once it was determined your fingers could touch nothing at the table except for the bread or utensils, you could no longer use your finger for the salt.

The little things are what tend to add up to one big faux pas, so I will list in order of importance the basics of the table and settings that most people find confusing:

• Your bread plate is above your forks to the left of your plate.
• Your glasses are the ones above your knives and spoons to the right of your plate.
• The fork is the only utensil that can be at all three sides of the set ting: three on the left, one above, one on the right.
• Coffee is never served with the meal if the meal is a formal one. It is only served after the meal, away from the table.
• Nothing is to be spit into your napkin at the table. Spitting has not been allowed for at least 100 years.
• Shoving your plate away from you to let others know you are done isn't done in polite dining.
• The charger or service plate is customarily removed prior to the serving of the entree, but can remain on the table through to dessert.

From an article by Maura J. Graber in “Southern California Magazine,” 1993

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Corn on Cob Etiquette

Numerous corn forks, corn holders, corn “strippers” (also marketed as corn “scrapers” and corn “slitters”) were patented from the Gilded Age well into the mid-20th century. 

Corn Fork

Corn on the cob, even today, is not a normal item at a formal meal— it is too messy. Yet, some Victorian hostesses did serve corn on the cob. There were several ways of handling corn on the cob. One was to use the silver cob holders shown. These worked exactly like the plastic cob holders the fastidious use on picnics to day.

At least one 1880s etiquette book favored serving corn on the cob, noting, “A lady who gives many elegant dinners at Newport causes to be laid beside the plate of each guest two little silver-gilt spike-like arrangements. Each person then places these in either end of the corn-cob and eats his corn holding it by two silver handles.” Some etiquette writers advised people to use a knife to cut the kernels off the cob and then eat the loose kernels with a fork.

The corn fork reflects another approach. The center portion of this large fork was designed to be used in scraping the corn kernels from the cob. The fork could then be used to eat the loose kernels. As a design, it was a success, the scraper worked quite well. How ever, it was a product for which there was no real market. Few diners wanted to go to that much trouble for corn so the fork sold very poorly and today is almost impossible to find.— From “Forgotten Elegance,” 2003

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Etiquette for After Dinner Coffee

Some hostesses prefer to pour the coffee themselves and have the coffee pot and coffee cups brought to the drawing room on a tray. For a formal party, however, this is not generally done.

Black coffee is always served after a formal dinner. The men usually have it in the dining room as soon as the ladies withdraw. It is served to the ladies in the drawing room. The filled coffee cups, with a sugar bowl in which is loaf or crystal sugar, are passed on a silver tray, the waitress returning to the drawing room for the cups about fifteen minutes later.

At more informal or family dinners, the making of coffee is sometimes looked on as quite a rite and is prepared in the percolator by the host or the hostess. Again, some hostesses prefer to pour the coffee themselves and have the coffee pot and coffee cups brought to the drawing room on a tray. For a formal party, however, this is not generally done.— Eileen Cumming, 1923

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Names of the New York Social Register

Public domain image of Clare Boothe (Brokaw) Luce, American editor, playwright, social activist, politician, journalist, and diplomat

American Society and Near Society

THE Social Registers, which are the official indices of “society “ in the United States somewhat resemble, in character, Le Bottin Mondain of Paris, Webster's Royal Red Book of London, the various Taschenbücher of Europe, with an occasional faint touch of the Almanach de Gotha and Burke's Peerages.

The New York Social Register for 1931 contained about thirty-five thousand names, an increase of fifteen thousand over the Social Register of 1914; and the fourteen social registers of the largest American cities contained more than one hundred thousand names an increase of over fifty thousand names dur ing the same length of time..

These figures are particularly remarkable when one considers that the social register of exactly one hundred years ago, Longworth's New York Directory, boasted exactly eighteen names. (They were, even in those days, “important” ones, and, with few exceptions, they have continued to figure prominently in the annals of American society: Astor, Brevoort, Bleecker, De Rham, DePeyster, Halleck, Irving, Livingstone, Brockholst, Rhinelander, Roosevelt, Rutgers, Schermerhorn, Suydam, Stewart, Taylor, Vanderbilt, Van Rensselaer.)

The present Society census therefore shows an increase of ten thousand percent, which is to say that the efflorescence of American society has outdistanced every other phenomenon of that phenomenal country. Not even the population itself has kept step with the growth of the beau monde. From being practically nonexistent a hundred years ago, it now blooms like the green bay tree throughout the country.

The average foreigner would deduce, from these figures, that the development must be a superficial, and not a profound, one. He cannot believe that a delicately integrated society, founded on birth and kept alive by breeding– even with due consideration of the usual intravenous injections of money– could evolve at such a rate. He is correct. As a matter of fact, authentic New York society of today is still fairly represented by those eighteen names of a hundred years ago, with the addition of perhaps two or three hundred other names– a normal enough increase. – Clare Boothe Brokaw, 1932

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Etiquette for Servants and Visitors

Train them to answer the door promptly, speak politely to any one who may be there, excuse you, if necessary, to visitors in courteous terms, or, if you are in, show the callers into the parlor, take their card, and come back quickly with your answer.

Opening the door seems a simple act, yet few servants perform it in a proper, respectful manner. Let your servant understand that the door must be opened immediately after the bell rings. 

Visitors, from neglect of this rule, will often ring several times, and finally leave the door. I have known an instance when in a case of severe illness the patient lost the visit of the doctor, who, after ringing some minutes, was obliged to pay other visits, and could not return to the sufferer's house until several hours later.

When opening the door some servants hold it ajar and hold a long parley with the person on the steps, as if afraid they wished to enter for the purpose of murder or theft.

Train them to answer the door promptly, speak politely to any one who may be there, excuse you, if necessary, to visitors in courteous terms, or, if you are in, show the callers into the parlor, take their card, and come back quickly with your answer.— Florence Hartley, 1860

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The Etiquette of Girls’ Hair Bows

But what about a giant bow on a girl’s hat? Does this send a signal of some sort??

“Girl’s Hairdo Reveals Love Life” 

Really?

As silly as the notion of romantic signals using fans was– not to mention handkerchiefs, parasols and even walking sticks– in the mid-1940’s someone came up with this handy guide for what a young woman’s hairdo signaled regarding her romantic intentions. 

One has to wonder if Ann, Betty, Becky and the other Betty, actually tried this system out to alert others as to whether they were “on the make” or not. Either way, Etiquipedia has found no evidence to back up the validity of this secret code using hair bows, but we do think it’s wonderfully creative.

Bow on the top of her head means that Ann Mitchell is “out to get herself a man.”

Bow worn in back means that Betty Dupree is “not interested in men.”

  

Bow worn on the right side indicates that Becky Brown is deeply in love.

Bow worn at left is a signal and challenge. It means Betty Chaney is “going steady.” — Life Magazine, 1944

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Gilded Age Resort Etiquette of Jewish Society

They laugh to scorn the indolence and apathy of the average Summer visitor, wage war on hammocks, on darkened rooms, stiff table etiquette, and dissipate with their bright smiles the hyper sensitiveness of time-honored invalidism. They ride, they walk, they talk, they row, they swim. They revel in athletic sports; they even climb the tall trees which have stood ward over the valley since the memory of the earliest settler. Nothing is too sacred for their daring approaches.– Image from KQED.org and a 2014 documentary telling the colorful story of how San Francisco became Jews’ American Jerusalem

SUMMER IN SAN RAFAEL

A California Resort After the Newport Style

Jewish Society

Of late years San Rafael has been growing in favor with the Jewish people of San Francisco. This class of citizens constituting an important percentage of our population, is second to none in the city in respectability, education and progressive tendencies. Their presence as a preponderating element in any community insures a respectful observance of the law, thriving homes, educational facilities and a hearty interest in local improvements. 

The Jews who spend the Summer months in San Rafael, are like the permanent residents, a bright, intelligent class, many of whom annually resort thither with a view of establishing a permanent residence. The are in variably accompanied by their chidren, a healthy, handsome set of little people, and parents and children together take more genuine comfort in their Summer's outing than any other class of visitors to San Rafael.

It savors ill of enterprise of the little town, that although in possession of a population of more than 3,000 people, it boasts no public library. Tradition relates that at one time in years gone by, an effort was made to establish a library in the place, and a small number of books, a mere nucleus of a collection, invited the public patronage. But the good people of San Rafael, destitute neither of culture nor of literary taste, were too indolent to put forth the necessary exertion to borrow books, and allowed the undertaking to languish for lack of support. 

A scheme is now under way to meet this crying need, and ere long the Summer visitors will be spared the tedium of life fifteen miles from a bookstore or a library, or relieved from the tiresome alternative of making a long trip cityward to exchange the volumes pro cured from San Francisco associations. To the energetic spirit of the late J.O. Eldridge belongs the entire credit of putting the scheme for a public library in motion, but the work is being ably carried on by his co-workers, Mrs. Stratton, T. B. Morris and Dr. Miller, liberally seconded by wealthy residents of the place.

The Coming Generation

It behoves the conservative visitors of San Rafael to enjoy while they may the quiet and the seclusion, the laziness and inactivity of life in this dainty Summer resort, for the day is swiftly approaching when the existing condition of affairs will be overturned. The young feminine population who are coming to the front are a bright and winsome class, with a fine disregard of conventional laws, an inborn zest for excitement, and little disposition to revere the traditions of their ancestors. The barriers of dignity and reserve behind which their elders are entrenched, fall away at the touch of their iconoclastic fingers.

They laugh to scorn the indolence and apathy of the average Summer visitor, wage war on hammocks, on darkened rooms, stiff table etiquette, and dissipate with their bright smiles the hyper sensitiveness of time-honored invalidism. They ride, they walk, they talk, they row, they swim. They revel in athletic sports; they even climb the tall trees which have stood ward over the valley since the memory of the earliest settler. Nothing is too sacred for their daring approaches. The lazy exile from the city, trying to cultivate a state of chronic lassitude, finds no comfort in their atmosphere. Many among them, including the Misses Forbes, Miss Kittle, Miss Boardman, the Misses Otis, Miss Sears, Miss Walker, Miss Stearns, Miss Harney, Miss McAllister, the Misses Tompkins and the Misses Watt, are graceful and accomplished horsewomen. 

To show the enterprise of these young people, it may be mentioned that on the 30th of May, a score or more among them, chaperoned by two married ladies, formed a riding party, and, equipped with all the essentials for a mountain trip, started out for a three days' jaunt among the hills, making Olema the first night, proceeding to Bear Valley the day after, and returning home by way of Bolinas the next day. This small undertaking is but a slight earnest of their capabilities for energetic exercise. 

Romping, daring, mocking, dragging their unhappy victims to the top of Mt. Tamalpais to view the glorious panorama spread out before him, taking long jaunts through forest and valley, tramping to the waterside, driving spirited horses, the stimulus of their example is working a revolution in the valley. Abetted by the insidious influences of a library, there is no telling where the progressional movement will end; and the only salvation open for the conservative resident is to flee to Ross Valley, where the friendly mountains, the moat and drawbridge of the bay, the happy limitations of the locality, offer a stern and impregnable protection against the onslaughts of the mischievous, meddling outside world.– Daily Alta, 1885

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japanese Chopstick “Don’ts”

According to an article on Mashable, “Western foods,” like a breakfast of bacon and eggs, are eaten with a knife and fork, but, “In Japanese culture, chopsticks are more than utensils; they can be works of art.  It is common for families to have sets made of abalone or painted gold. Painted sets, which may include designs like cranes or cherry blossoms, are usually sealed with lacquer.”

Chopstick Etiquette

🥢 Saguri-bashi
To look for contents in a soup with chopsticks

🥢 Mayoi-bashi
To wander chopsticks over several foods without decision

🥢 Sashi-bashi
To pick up food by stabbing it

🥢 Neburi-bashi
To lick the tips of the chopsticks

🥢 Yose-bashi
To pull plate or bowl around with chopsticks

🥢 Hotoke-bashi
To stand chopsticks up in rice

🥢 Kaki-bashi
To shovel food into one’s mouth attached to plate or bowl

🥢 Nigiri-bashi
To hold two sticks together as one would grasp a knife to attack

🥢 Hashi-watashi
To pass food to another person, from chopsticks to chopsticks

🥢 Namida-bashi
To drip the sauce from the food or from the chopsticks

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age “New York Girls”

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect.

The New York Girl Portrayed by One Who Dislikes European Fault Finding

Our Girl Learns to Look Out a Little for Herself– She Trusts to the Chivalry of American Gentlemen– We Are Proud of Her

So the English think that the New York girl has more solvency in her fortune than in her complexion, do they? We beg to differ. The New York girl's complexion is as fine as any milkmaid's. She is piquant, pretty, original and new. That is why the Englishmen like her, and wish to marry her. She amuses, stimulates and fills their somewhat jaded fancy.

New York girls are well educated. They speak both English and French fluently, which is what very few English girls do. They have been brought up under the repressive system, the English girls. They are lovely, but sometimes a little depressing. They are hidden from the eye. The New York girl perhaps lacks the “violet by a mossy stone” charm. She has not the cloistered graces of that home education of the English. She has been admired frankly since she was 10 years old.

SHE HAS A WOMANLY COURAGE

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect. The mother is the chaperon, and the girl is stamped with “l'usage du monde et du plus grand, et du meilleurs.” She is well bred in the forms and ceremonies of a court of London and Parisian society, where she succeeds marvelously. Sometimes she offends a Roman mamma by walking across the Piazza di Spagna alone. She cannot always respect the severe Italian “etiquette” and take her maid.

She is a knowing person; she believes in herself, she is independent and breezy. She has been much consulted in her family, where she is the important personage. Latitude in reading and thinking has been allowed her, which to an English or French girl would have been impossible.

She can stand more amusement (some would call it dissipation) than any living creature. A prize fighter would go down under the fatigue which a New York girl imposes on herself– all the subscription balls at Delmonico’s, all the private balls, Tuxedo, Newport, lawn tennis, Lenox in the fall, private theatricals, French and singing classes, sewing societies, charities (for she is a dear creature, and as kind as she is beautiful). She haunts the happy hunting grounds of Long Island; she is seen on top of a four-in-hand.

THE GIRLS SHOULD TAKE HEED

She is described in all the newspapers when she comes out. Her fortune, her toilet and her prospects are all matters of every day comment. She has the American idea of being useful; she works as well as plays. She neglects nothing. An early morning walk, or a horseback ride, a plain gown for her hospital work, the toilet of the Queen of Sheba for Delmonico's– she at tends to it all; and when she marries she is apt to make the best of wives, if she chooses. If she does not choose to be the best, she can be the worst.

Neglects nothing, did you say! Yes, so far as foreign ideas are concerned, she sometimes neglects appearances. She sometimes
goes about with too young a chaperon. Accustomed to the chivalry of American men, she does not know how other men are regarding her. Novelists sketch the exceptions, not the rule, as to the New York girl; but it would do the best of them no harm to read the foreign criticisms in novels, plays and newspapers. 

Some New York girls are not averse to achieving a reputation for fastness. These few exceptions should not, however, be taken for the conglomerate photograph. They are not the rule. She is not a humble, expectant Juliet, the New York girl. She will marry a lord, if she likes. Some people call her heartless. She needs luxury; she lives in an age of gold. A clever creature, a precious and beautiful combination, of fine mind and splendid physical perfection, she can be criticised as a rose, which opens its glorious petals for all men to admire; but it is hard to equal her.–Mrs. John Sherwood in “Once a Week,” 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Garden Party Etiquette

Lawn tennis, croquet, archery and, for those disinclined to active exertion, card tables, furnish sources of amusement at these picturesque assemblies. Sometimes a platform for dancing is provided, and a band of music is another pleasant feature of entertainment.

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE

Manners and Customs Practiced in Pollte Society

People in pretty country or suburban places can hardly devise a happier form of entertaining than the garden party. There may be a little awkwardness at first where people are unused to these parties. Without the accustomed shelter of a house, guests may feel a little forlorn and wander dismally about for a time, but a hostess of tact soon suggests forming parties for whatever sports or games are provided, and after the first stiffness is over any one can find congenial entertainment of some sort.

The garden party proper is held entirely in the open air. The hostess receives upon the lawn, wearing her hat or bonnet, and lady guests always wear bonnets. Upon arriving at the house guests are shown upstairs to lay aside wraps and brush off dust, if they wish to, and are then shown to where the hostess is receiving. It is proper for a lady to ask for an invitation for a friend to a party that is to be entirely out of doors, as there will always be plenty of room. 

Still no lady should take offense if such a request is not granted, as a hostess may have excellent reasons for refusing. Lawn tennis, croquet, archery and, for those disinclined to active exertion, card tables, furnish sources of amusement at these picturesque assemblies. Sometimes a platform for dancing is provided, and a band of music is another pleasant feature of entertainment.

These parties are sometimes conducted on the principle of an afternoon tea. The hostess receives in the house, the guests then wander through the grounds and return to the house for refreshments when fatigued. This is a modification of the garden party which meets with approbation from the timid, the elderly and the rheumatic, and is less troublesome to the entertainer than serving refreshments on the lawn. Where grounds are ample and handsome, the garden party proper, however, is a beautiful and enjoyable affair. – The Humboldt Times, 1887

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Etiquette and Borrowing Items

“In cities and large communities there is comparatively little of the kitchen borrowing that has come to be proverbial in stories, but there are few households which do not find a fairly good list of borrowed articles accumulated in the course of the year. A book from this friend, an umbrella from that, a written recipe from another, a bit of fancy work as a model from another, and so on. The use which the borrower has for the loaned articles is temporary. It is, therefore, purely a selfish laziness which retains them, after such case, from the owner, who may be in positive and continuous need of the thing.” Above– A silver fork novel. Etiquipedia has loaned out hundreds of etiquette books over many years. Fortunately, most people return them after reading them. 

Along with the habit to pronounce people's names correctly, to reply promptly to-notes, and the like, another mark of the regard for the rights of others, which indicates inherent refinement, is the practice of returning borrowed articles. In cities and large communities there is comparatively little of the kitchen borrowing that has come to be proverbial in stories, but there are few households which do not find a fairly good list of borrowed articles accumulated in the course of the year. A book from this friend, an umbrella from that, a written recipe from another, a bit of fancy work as a model from another, and so on. The use which the borrower has for the loaned articles is temporary. It is, therefore, purely a selfish laziness which retains them, after such case, from the owner, who may be in positive and continuous need of the thing.

No one likes to send for something which has been loaned– it is a rebuke which it is unpleasant to give as well as to receive. The expedience of one woman in this connection may be of use to some others. A certain shelf in a certain closet was given up to borrowed articles. The moment one came into the house it was put there. If its use was immediate, it was returned to the shelf after such use, and a constant inspection kept the receptacle clear of such articles as had served their borrowed purpose. Nothing borrowed was ever lost, and everything was always promptly returned, by being easily accessible at the opportune moment. Children in particular are apt to be careless borrowers and lenders. Such a shelf is a valuable object lesson in a family of young people, and there are many elders who can profit by it as well. – New York Times, 1892

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and “Feeing” Waiters

“Not long ago I saw a man in a New-York restaurant tuck a five-dollar bill in the waiter’s hand at the beginning of a luncheon he was ordering for his party of two ladies and himself. This seemed to me as bad in its way as the five cent fee. We Americans do not take kindly to the fee system. It is contrary to the principles of our institutions, but it, is apparently beyond control, and we women, with the rest, must accept, if in moderation.”

Gilded Age Tipping in America

“Women are accused of being inclined to meanness in the matter of feeing waiters,” commented a woman recently, “but I think, perhaps, those who are take their cue from a meanly-inclined husband or brother. On a dining car recently a man sat opposite me who ate stolidly through the courses of the dollar dinner, had a bottle of Apollinaris opened for him, and left 5 cents by his plate when he had done. The waiter pointedly allowed the nickel to remain until every dish had been removed, undoubtedly hoping that the persons at the adjacent tables would see the small coin before, with an indescribable flip, he pocketed it.

“Not long ago I saw a man in a New-York restaurant tuck a five-dollar bill in the waiter’s hand at the beginning of a luncheon he was ordering for his party of two ladies and himself. This seemed to me as bad in its way as the five cent fee. We Americans do not take kindly to the fee system. It is contrary to the principles of our institutions, but it, is apparently beyond control, and we women, with the rest, must accept, if in moderation.

“Among my women friends I find no general rule in regard to the matter. One woman whom I consider rather fast doesn't fee because ‘it's vulgar’; another, who is proverbially extravagant, because she ‘can't afford it’; still another because the waiter won’t expect it from a woman, and so on. I’ve seen a rich woman leave 5 cents and a poor one leave 50 cents. A favorite practice when several women are lunching together is to divide the fee, each contributing an equal part. Men, I believe, never do this, though I don't see why it isn’t a sensible notion. I should really be glad of some authoritative utterance concerning the etiquette of women’s feeing.”– New York Times, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Fans of Prince Forget Manners

Abbas Hilmi Pasha, the last Khedive and second Viceroy of Egypt
–Public domain image, 

The other Eastern Prince now in Europe, the Viceroy of Egypt, has been mobbed in London. The unfortunate man went to the Zoological Gardens, and in a moment became an attraction greater then even the monkeys or the cockatoos. Whether the hippopotamus from the banks of the Nile recognized his Sovereign Lord or not we cannot say, but the well-behaved public gave chase to the new lion and pursued him down all sorts of avenues and walks until, as we read, he regained his carriage, scared and breathless. So much for the politeness of Londoners. The Horse Guards had better detach a squadron to assist the Viceroy in his explorations of the English metropolis, or he may go away with the impression that the manners of the people are modeled upon the habits of the wild beasts in their show gardens.– New York Times, 1867

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia