Etiquette and Swigging Drinks

Paper drinking straws are the ideal means and manner with which to sip beverages in their original containers.When drinking a beverage through a straw, hold the straw with one hand while holding the bottle or a glass with the other. In this manner, carbonated beverages are less likely to fly out from the top of the straw, when placing a bottle or glass back down on a countertop or tabletop.

Swigging is Not a Smart Habit and 

Not Good Manners 

“To me, just about the tackiest thing a cocktail party guests can do is to roam around, beer bottle or can in hand, swigging from it at will, when a bar glass is close at hand. Here comes a sexist remark: I think it's even tackier when a woman does it than a man.” -Letitia Baldrige

Many teenage youngsters believe that “swigging” soft drinks directly from the bottle is the thing to do. This mistaken notion is not only bad practice from the standpoint of good etiquette, but can be downright dangerous. Paper drinking straws, which eliminate the necessity of the lips touching the mouth of the bottle, are the ideal means and manners with which to sip beverages in their original containers. – San Bernardino Sun, 1948

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and the Workplace

How to Be a Team Player in Today's Workplace

In many company cultures you hear the word "team" often.

“Our team is working to improve the process for . . .” 

“My team will be on-site to begin the project on Tuesday.” 

“Our team presented the Q4 report at the conference.”

But what does it really mean to be part of a team in today's workplace? How do you work as a team player?

Work as a Sport

There is an evolution taking place in work environments today. Lines are being blurred in the segmentation of workers. Managers and Directors are becoming Project Leaders. Offices are now open work spaces and conference rooms have glass walls.

Transparency is key when working as a team.

Each employee - or player - has an assigned role that contributes to the goal of the team. Sounds a little like baseball or football, doesn't it?

By definition, a team player:

• Understands her role and goals at work are very important, but can put them aside to work for a common goal and aim. 
• Helps others succeed and shares credit for successes.
• Wants others to feel confident and notices when it’s time to give someone a compliment.
• Knows and follows the rules.
• Has an encouraging and positive attitude.
• Listens and is friendly. 
• Lends a helping hand. 
• Doesn’t hold anyone back by failing to perform duties.
• Is honest and forthcoming. 
• Is always punctual!

When a company department acts as a team, work doesn't stop - the ball doesn't get dropped - just because one player drops out for a time. It's an effective concept, but how does this relate to etiquette?


The Ultimate Etiquette-ful Person

Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates. 

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

When you demonstrate and practice etiquette, you place concern for others first in a given situation, while remaining true to yourself. Though carrying through with your assigned roles in a work environment and being polite and courteous is important, it does not qualify you as a team player.

A team player takes on the equivalent of hosting roles. That is, regardless of the role you play, you help create an atmosphere of good will. You greet others, make everyone feel welcome, and are observant when it comes to others' needs. You don’t hesitate to share information and help direct when necessary.

In this sense, members of the team share in leadership. They also:

• Do their jobs in a timely and reliable way. 
• Are constant learners, keeping eyes open for other views and ways things might be accomplished.
• Acknowledge the leadership roles of others.
• Give feedback at appropriate times. 
• Take turns with office responsibilities.
• Appreciate and value differences of personality and working styles of other team members.
• Are attune to the maxim of “live and let live,” never participating in idle gossip and minding other people’s business. 
• Quick to look for and congratulate or affirm their associates on successes.
• Use power words (otherwise known as “magic words”) of proper acknowledgement: “Thank you! … You are welcome. … I’m happy to do it. ... Please forgive a mistake I just made.”
• Volunteer to take on extra roles to help the team out and advance shared goals.

The Advantages of a Team Player

Employers are looking for people who are capable of working in a cooperative environment. This trend is sure to continue as companies shift toward a more "open" work culture.

A productive member of a team earns a good reputation over time. Regardless of the speed at which you advance or succeed in your job, or even move on to other opportunities, the ability to function well in your group will bring positive recognition.

Meet our newest contributor, Candace Smith... A retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Empress “Sisi”

Chafing and frustrated at the strict regimen, etiquette and ceremony of Habsburg royal life, Empress Elizabeth, or “Sisi,” routinely defied protocol. Her mother-in-law, disapproving of Elizabeth, named her first child after herself and insisted on taking control of the child. In fact, her mother in-law demanded she give up control and allow her to rear all of Elizabeth’s and Franz Joseph I’s children. Elizabeth holds the record as the longest reigning Austrian Empress. For 44 years, Elizabeth championed independence and individualism. Elizabeth was assassinated when visiting Geneva, by an Italian anarchist. Upon death, Elizabeth became a world-renowned icon.

We are not, after all, to be permitted to catch a glimpse of the fair Empress of Austria, though she did pass through Paris a few days ago. About a thousand people went to the railway station to see her come in, but the lovely Elizabeth, at the last moment, quickly changed her destination and came into Paris by another route, thus disappointing the eager crowd of sightseers. She is well worth looking at, is this fairest of Royal ladies, though she is 38 years of age and a possible grandmother besides. 

I saw her at Vienna ten years ago; she then looked about 20, slender as a reed and graceful as a deer, with the lovliest dark eyes in the world, and such a profusion of dark silky hair that it fell, coil upon coil, from under her coquettish little hat, only restrained by the meshes of a fine silk, hair net. Her style and elegance were unsurpassable, far exceeding, to my mind, the more artificial graces of Empress Eugenie. She dresses very simply now, it is said, usually in black, gray, or lilac, never having worn gay colors since the death of her eldest daughter, several years ago. 

Her manners are marvelously sweet and winning, and she is as popular as she is beautiful. Truth compels me to state that it is currently reported that she henpecks her Imperial spouse unmercifully, and that he, like a wise man, submits quietly to her dominion. When she first arrived at the Imperial Court, she gave immense offense to her haughty mother-in, law, the Archduchess Sophia of evil memory, by insisting upon going out walking (think of profaning the sacred feet of the Empress of Austria by contact with the vulgar earth!) and carrying an umbrella, which last is, we believe a fatal sin against Royal etiquette.  She inherits the simplicity of her manners from her father, the Archduke Maximilian Luitpold, of Bavaria. This gentleman always travels very quietly, and with no more state or form than any ordinary private gentleman. 

He was recently on his way from Munich to Vienna to visit his daughter. In the same compartment in the train with himself, was a talkative little Austrian tradesman, who soon got into a conversation with his quiet-looking companion After talking over matters and things for some time, and getting ample information about his business, etc... he asked: “And, pray sir where are you going?” “To Vienna.” “On business?” “No, to visit my daughter who is married to an Austrian.” “Is your son in law in a good business?” “Well— tolerably good— but troublesome at times.” “What is he?” “The Emperor.” At his answer, the poor little man became covered with confusion, nor could all the laughing protestations of the good-natured Archduke avail to reassure him and he darted out of the carriage at the very next stopping-place. – Paris Letter to the Philadelphia Telegraph, 1875

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Epitomized for Women

Woman's redingote, c. 1790. Silk and cotton satin and plain weave. Los Angeles County Museum of Art

1905 in “Winter Women’s World”

A New Walk 

“A new figure and a new poise have been called into existence by the winter fashions. A slow, languorous movement of the limbs is therefore cultivated, as being more conducive to grace when wearing the long redingote coat and the newly introduced ‘Princess Styles.’ The new walk is just a little suggestive of the ‘Gibson Girl,’ but in a modified form. 

“The figure is held upright at the shoulders, with the slightest forward bend at the waist, the head is erect, the chin in, and the legs swing from the hips. The practice of sleeping on the back or one side is fatal to the new poise. If the woman of fashion would look tall and stately she must sleep face downwards, with a small pillow tightly wedged under her chin in order to avoid suffocation.”

Etiquette Epitomized

A written reply to the hostess is required to a written invitation to a dinner luncheon or card party.

The first invitation from a new acquaintance should always, where it is possible, be accepted.

When rising from the table at a dinner, luncheon, etc., It is not necessary to replace one’s chair.

At the leave-taking, it is permissible, and an act of friendship and courtesy, to shake hands with your hostess. – Los Angeles Herald, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

13 Victorian Etiquette Tips for Men

Did you know that flowers and candy comprise the gifts which, according to etiquette, a young woman may receive from a man friend? And that a gentleman alway sends his card with a gift?

Thirteen Points of Etiquette

Thirteen questions gent by “Bashful,” concerning the correct deportment of a young man in his relations with young women, are answered in the following: 

1. It is not the correct thing for a young man to call upon a girl unless he has first received her permission to do so. 
2. If a young man desires to make the acquaintance of a girl whom he has never met, let him ask some friend of hers for an introduction, or obtain a letter of introduction to the young lady. 
3. Two gentlemen should never try to “sit each other out” when calling upon the same young woman. The caller who arrived first, ought to leave first. 
4. When making a call, the young man should leave his umbrella, overcoat and rubbers in the hall, also his hat and cane. A formal call should not be of more than half an hour's length. 
5. If a man is escorting two ladies, only one of them should take his arm, the other walking by her side. A gentleman does not offer his arm to the second lady unless there be some special reason, such as the bad condition of the sidewalk or feebleness on her part. 
6. A man does not offer his arm when walking with a lady in the daytime unless it be on a crowded street or slippery walk. 
7. Flowers and candy comprise the gifts which, according to etiquette, a young woman may receive from a man friend. A gentleman alway sends his card with a gift. 
8. When a gentleman is introduced a second time to a lady whom he has met before, it is not necessary for the lady to mention the previous meeting. Gentlemen are expected to ask for introductions if they do not know the ladies who are without partners at a dance. 
9. Gentlemen and ladies do not enter a room arm in arm. The lady enters in advance of the gentleman. 
10. Gentlemen should always shake hands with other men when introduced, but a man should never offer to shake hands with a lady unless she indicates a desire to do so. 
11. A gentleman lifts his hat to a lady acquaintance whom he meets on the street, and also to any lady whom the person walking with him happens to salute, but he does not look at the lady if she is not an acquaintance of his. 
12. When a young man escorts a girl to her home, he goes with her to the door and leaves when she is admitted, unless she invites him to come in. 
13. If a young man wishes to invite a girl whom he has met only a few times to go with him to an entertainment he had better send her a written invitation by mail or ask permission to call, and then when he calls, invite her. It would be correct to ask for the young lady whom you wished to see, if some member of her family whom you did not know came to the door to admit you. – Marin Journal, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Global Umbrella Etiquette of Old

“It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped on the teeth, or worse still, sucked.”

Umbrella Etiquette Unique to China, Japan, Turkey, India and the U.S.

In China, ladies were attended by servants who held umbrellas over their heads. The Chinese and Japanese introduced both the umbrella and parasol into their decorative work and athletic sports. And although it may have been raining, no Japanese person was allowed to put up an umbrella while her Majesty was passing by.

In India, the umbrella was the emblem of royalty, the sign of a Rajah. So natives generally folded their umbrellas before a Rajah, and not before anybody else, however great, it was not a part of the dress, but a protection from the rain or sun, a necessary appendage, just like the watch and chain. A coolie was not bound to fold his umbrella when a brigadier general rode past. But a menial generally closed down the umbrella upon seeing his master, whom he considered his “King.” But no Indian, however humble, ought to have folded up the umbrella, even before a magistrate, because he was neither the master of the humble passer-by, nor his superior officer, nor was he bound to salaam him. But if he did, no harm. In a word, natives generally folded the umbrella before a master or a superior officer, and not any other citizen, however great and this was no insult.

In western Turkey, it was necessary to close an umbrella on meeting people of high rank, and a European traveler who was passing one of the Palaces of the Sultan was nearly run through by the guard before he comprehended that he must put down the open umbrella he carried. Every one passing the actual residence of the Sultan lowered his umbrella as a salutation to “the brother of the sun and the moon.” 

And according to Frost’s By-Laws of 1869, an American lady, “When calling, keeps her parasol in her hand, and is not required to remove her glove. It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped on the teeth, or worse still, sucked. No lady will be guilty of the vulgarity of sucking the head of her parasol in the street. To eat anything, even confectionery, in the street, is a sign of low breeding.”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Sexual Harassment and Etiquette

With the new code of office etiquette, the stenographers also demand a minimum wage of $10.00 a week and the eliminating of swearing on the part of employers.

Stenographers Put Ban on Kiss
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 
Oath from Bosses

BOSTON, May 16.—Kissing is to be taboo in business offices and the gentle caress must be foresworn by employers in the future if the “clean up” campaign launched by the Union of Stenographers, Bookkeepers, Accountants and Office Employes of Greater Boston today has its desired results. 

With the new code of office etiquette, the stenographers also demand a minimum wage of $10.00 a week and the eliminating of swearing on the part of employers. They claim kissing is submitted to frequently, in order to hold positions and that many employers swear at their fair subordinates. – International News Service, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Over Royal Pretender

“Some people have declared that the Jacobites used to drink from the finger bowls themselves to ‘Charlie across the water,’ but this is a needless aspersion on the followers of James II...” – The focus of the Jacobitism political movement in Great Britain and Ireland. Jacobites and Charles Edward Stuart (1720 – 1788) aka “Bonnie Prince Charlie” aimed to restore him and his heirs to the thrones of England, Scotland, France and Ireland.

Royal Etiquette for Finger Bowls

During a visit of Royalty in a country house everybody rises when the Royal personage enters a room, but there is another custom which is perhaps little known to the outside world. That is a curious rule regarding finger bowls. 

At dinner parties where any members of the Royal family happen to be present, none of the other guests is provided with a finger bowl. The reason given for this practice is that it is a custom dating from the time of the pretender, when the Jacobites used to drink from them to “Charlie across the water.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Tyranny

By invitation only? “Shall persons be excluded from society or be allowed to enter it on their own terms? Society might be so conducted as to make of it a charming and delightful recreation instead of tyrannical business, and those who see this clearly can do much toward making it so.” – Invitation to election for the Executive Board and Officers of the Society for 1895-96, etc... Florence Earle Coates was elected President of the Browning Society of Philadelphia that year. (Photo Public Domain)

The Tyranny of Etiquette

It is impossible to read even the least dogmatic books on etiquette without being oppressed with the conviction that a heavy and binding addition has been made to the code of morals in the bylaws which have to do with visiting cards, invitations, conventional phrases and other minor, but vigorous formulas. It has been reiterated by writers on those subjects that not a single rule of etiquette is arbitrary, but that all prove their reason in the very nature of things, and that those who disregard them simply show their own lack of insight and incapacity to appreciate genuine refinement. 

While this is all very well for society people pure and simple or those who have other definite and absorbing work in life compliance with all the thousand and one trifling points of etiquette is an utter impossibility. The question then becomes, shall such persons be excluded from society or be allowed to enter it on their own terms? Society might be so conducted as to make of it a charming and delightful recreation instead of tyrannical business, and those who see this clearly can do much toward making it so.—Philadelphia Press, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Timeless Business Etiquette

“Keep private life to yourself. Avoid office politics and religious discussions. Keep business life and recreation separate. Don't be interested in other people's work at the office.” – Miss Wava McCullough

Commercial Club sponsors “Etiquette”

Sponsored by the Commerce Club, various articles are to appear in the Corsair from time to time on “Etiquette.” The first article, below, by Miss Wava McCullough, commercial art instructor, is on “Business Etiquette.” Later articles will be on etiquette at games (sportsmanship), etiquette at dances, and etiquette on the campus. 

Business Etiquette  

Making Contacts 

Determine the type of job you want. Talk to your friends. What do they do? Discuss it with your instructors. Do research reading. What kind of a firm do you want to work in? Don't rely on your friends to get you a job. Use business associates for contacts. Use agencies. If you must make a “cold” contact, plan your approach. 

Attitude Is Important 

Don't be a clock-watcher. Try to do more than is asked of you. Make an effort to familiarize yourself with terms needed in office use. Admit mistakes. Think of your job as a stepping-stone to a better job. A job is what you make it. Sit and stagnate or develop it and in so doing advance yourself. You do yourself a favor by making yourself a better-than-average employee. Impress the boss with the quality of your work rather than your personality. Be ambitious but don't push yourself on others.

You and the Business World 

Appearance gives color to an office. Cleanliness and neatness are more important than expensive clothes. Extreme lines and bright colors are distracting in an office. Wear simple, well-pressed clothes —no bobby socks or excessive jewelry. Give special attention to hair and hands. 

Habits 

Be on time. Gum chewing and nibbling are not allowed. Don't slouch. Avoid mannerisms — hair twisting, and leg winding. Use the office phone in emergency only. Smile, be pleasant. Don't complain. Listen, do not talk too much. 

Policy 

Keep private life to yourself. Avoid office politics and religious discussions. Keep business life and recreation separate. Don't be interested in other people's work at the office. – The Corsair, 1945

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Coffee Klatch Etiquette

The etiquette of the Coffee Klatch consists mainly of being glad you have friends to share your coffee cakes with. On a large tray, place coffee pot, cups, creamer and sugar bowl, enough small plates and small napkins.

Invite Your Friends to a Coffee Party 

By Mrs. Penrose Lyly

Coffee Klatches must have been invented by genial angels. A pot of sparkling coffee, a bowl of glistening sugar, thick cream and a ring of coffee cake fresh from the oven and a few friends, of course, when the winter day darkens to a cold, brisk night, no man or woman has a right to expect more from the kindly gods. 

The etiquette of the Coffee Klatch consists mainly of being glad you have friends to share your coffee cakes with. On a large tray, place coffee pot, cups, creamer and sugar bowl, enough small plates and small napkins. Light your living room fire and put the tray on a small table near it. Draw as many comfortable chairs as you have guests around the coffee table and then snuggle down for a grand afternoon. 

The Coffee Klatch, when held along the lines described above, is a lot like the traditional afternoon tea, of course except that you don't serve any tea. For that very reason, perhaps, you'll find it a welcome change in your entertainment routine. And you might find, too, that it creates a slightly different atmosphere than the afternoon tea creates; less conducive to gossip, more productive of  “homey” comfort. – Every Week Magazine, 1933

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Miss Manners on Parenting

“The easy-going parent may well be remembered as uncaring, and the demonstrative one as suffocating. There is hardly a parental instinct that cannot be perverted into a grievance by the efforts of a thoughtful child, especially if aided by an enthusiastic therapist. It is a mistake, therefore, to guide one’s parental behavior with the risky business of reputation in mind.” 

Reminiscences of Childhood

“Be kind to your biographer,” Miss Manners’ dear father used to say when carefully dating his letters, diaries and memorabilia. It is an idea that takes on a whole new meaning when you consider that your most likely biographer is your own child. That few parents will end up as the leading characters in films or books written by their children is probably just as well. But there is a natural and not unreasonable human hope that one will be remembered as a supporting character when that child comes to bore his descendants with his reminiscences. What the overall judgment will be on the parents performance is a gamble. The easy-going parent may well be remembered as uncaring, and the demonstrative one as suffocating. There is hardly a parental instinct that cannot be perverted into a grievance by the efforts of a thoughtful child, especially if aided by an enthusiastic therapist. It is a mistake, therefore, to guide one’s parental behavior with the risky business of reputation in mind. 

The rule is to do the best you can, in what you believe to be the child's ultimate interests, and be prepared to suffer through the child’s later explanation of how he (by that time a childless young adult who knows everything) would have done it better. Nature has its own revenge, in that these people usually eventually have children of their own. But there are certain factors that can enhance childhood in a memorable way. (Miss Manners feels that this is a more acceptable way of putting it than suggesting that the parent work on the image.) The most effective of all, according to Miss Manners’ dear mother (and you can see what a success Miss Manners’ parents were at figuring favorably in their child’s memory), is the simplest. A teacher, she often heard the parental lamentation of “But we give him everything” from those whose children confided to their teacher, separately, how much they cheerfully hated their parents. The parental complaint was followed by a list itemizing valuable goods given. “I could never find a correlation between the parents’ generosity and the child’s feeling about them,” noted Miss Manners' mother. “Then I began to notice a connection between the child's feelings and the parents’ facial expressions when they came to pick him up at school, or even when they just talked about him. The parent who beamed at the child had a loving child, and the one who didn't, didn't. After that, it didn't seem to matter what else the parents did or didn't do.” 

Miss Manners is happy to present such unmaterialistic news, although she does not deny that many people’s fondest childhood memories have to do with toys or other presents. But then again, it is the way the thing is presented. The parent who gives whatever is asked, when it is asked, seems to get no return except increased expectation. The generally sensible parent, who restricts giving to fixed occasions and the choice of presents to items that are educational, useful or apt to be of lasting, rather than fleeting, enjoyment, will give enormous pleasure by a rare wild deviation from this policy. A gentleman of Miss Manners’ acquaintance once, while out to lunch with his teenaged daughter, impulsively stopped in a jewelry store and bought her diamond stud earrings. Miss Manners’ own father achieved the same effect, at somewhat less cost, when she was 11 and on an educational sightseeing trip by suddenly, without apparent cause or warning, buying flowers and pinning them on her coat. It is of such that memories are made and, incidentally, standards for future entrance into the family. A young lady who has experienced spontaneous romanticism is unlikely to fall in love with someone of grudging manners. – Miss Manners, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Guest Etiquette Quiz

Take this quiz from Bride's Magazine and see if you're up to the wedding season ahead! 

Do you know how to be the perfect guest?

If the first sign of spring is the crocus, the second is just as surely the wedding invitation. Now is the time of year when any day is likely to bring an elegant envelope tucked in with your electric bill, supermarket circular and favorite magazine subscription. So it's a good time to ask: How's your guest etiquette? 

True or False: 

1. Verbal acceptance of a wedding invitation is okay. 
2. You don't have to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. 
3. You should bring the wedding present to the reception. 
4. If you're dating someone, it's all right to bring him or her to the wedding. 
5. A female guest shouldn't wear all-black or all-white. 
6. The last person to be seated in church is the mother of the bride. 
7. On the receiving line, you “congratulate” the groom, offer “best wishes” to the bride. 
8. You shouldn't leave the reception before the newlyweds do. 

Answers: 

1. F– Unless it's a very informal invitation. A formal, engraved invitation should be answered with a brief, handwritten note on a double sheet of fine white note paper. If a response card is provided, use that. 
2. T–  If you're close to the couple, you'll probably want to send a gift, but it's not required. 
3. F – Except if the gift is a check. Then you can bring it to the wedding and give it to the couple personally. (Make it out to Mr. and Mrs.) Otherwise, send the gift to the bride at her home as soon as possible after you receive the invitation. A check sent before the wedding is made out to the bride.
4. F – An invitation is only for those specifically mentioned. Unless it reads “and guest” or “and family,” they only want you. 
5. T – Although the rules are bending somewhat on this, especially since black is so fashionable now. In general, judge what you should wear by the formality of the invitation. You can rarely go wrong m a suit and tie, for a man, and a street-length dressy party or cocktail dress, for a woman. 
6. T – This is the signal that the ceremony is about to begin, so if you arrive later, stand unobtrusively at the back unless the ushers direct otherwise. It's best to try to arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. 
7. T – You could cause offense if you reverse them. Other tips for negotiating the receiving line: Introduce yourself to anyone who isn't certain to know you. (Remember, the whole wedding party is in a bit of a daze by now.) Say something brief and pleasant to parents and other family members. 
8. T – Although this was truer in the days when the bride and groom always left the reception early, in a shower of rice, to go directly on their honeymoon. These days, some newlyweds stay right until the end of the party, so an alternate rule might be: Don't leave until the cake has been cut and served. Remember to thank the wedding's hostess (usually the bride's mother) when you do go. – Bride’s Magazine, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Scone History, Etiquette and More

Freshly baked blueberry scones sit properly on their lofty perch, the top of the 3–tiered tea stand, as biscuits or scones are traditionally eaten first at tea time. The etiquette for tiered tea stands is simple. The order of items eaten is from the top tier to the bottom tier, with the bottom tier’s treats eaten last.  – “There are all manner of variations: afternoon-tea scones, cheese scones, herb scones and spice scones, to name a few. Try the Scottish Cream Scones with the addition of your favorite herb or spice and create your own royal version.”

There is a village in Perthshire, in central Scotland west of the modern village of New Scone, called, simply, Old Scone. It was the seat of Scottish Kings and Parliaments until the 15th century and it was here with the Coronation Stone the Scottish Stone of Destiny, called The Scone that the Kings of Scotland from Kenneth I to Charles II were crowned. A most Royal beginning for this humble breakfast and tea-time treat. The root of the word scone is probably Dutch, Schoonbrot or Schoonbrood, which means fine bread.

Although scones have a reputation for being dry, when they are made correctly, with the proper ingredients, they are, oh, so fine. Scones are a plain, homey mixture and should have a low fat content, a lot of baking powder to give them an open, light texture and a high proportion of liquid to ensure a soft, elastic dough. They should be mixed just until large lumps form, are gently gathered, pressed together and then lightly kneaded with the finger tips for a few minutes to develop some elasticity. Lovingly shaped into inch-thick rounds, they are placed on a baking sheet and cut into four quarters that are left in place or, sometimes, separated slightly. They may be brushed with a milk or egg wash to insure some browning, but traditionally they are simply dusted with flour. There are all manner of variations: afternoon-tea scones, cheese scones, herb scones and spice scones, to name a few. Try the Scottish Cream Scones with the addition of your favorite herb or spice and create your own royal version. 

Muffins in the British Isles are, of course, English Muffins. So popular, they were once sold on the streets of London by the Muffin Man with his tray and bell. English muffins should always be pulled apart never cut! You may use a fork for the operation or there are special pronged instruments available for this delicate maneuver that is imperative if you want to experience the crunchy, toasty hills and valleys so necessary to contain gobs of fresh butter and jam. –Santa Cruz Sentinel 1990

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

French Etiquette Peculiarities

Beautifully monogrammed, French Damask linen napkin – It is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such.

French Habits and Peculiar Customs?

We have no idea that our customs and habits are peculiar or different from those of anybody else till we see them described by someone to whom they are familiar. Indeed, it is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such. But if one is invited to dine once, or only occasionally, it is almost an insult to fold his serviette on leaving the table, as this is as much as to say he expects to be invited again soon.

A gentleman who did not know this custom, dined and returned home without suspecting that he had failed in any point of etiquette. The next day a servant came to tell him that dinner was waiting. “Dinner,” he exclaimed in surprise, “but I did not know that anyone expected me to dinner; I have received no invitation.” “Why, you folded your napkin yesterday.” This information only increased his amazement, as he had no idea what the act had signified. In some parts of the country it would not have been a hint that he expected to come again the next day, but only that he hoped to come soon. I was saved from such a mortification by hearing a family exclaim one day after some guests had departed: “What vulgar people; did you not see they folded their napkins.” I had not remarked it, of course, as I did not know that it was a matter of any consequence, and should certainly have done the same myself the next day, where it would have been almost a disgrace, had I not been thus put upon my guard.

On speaking of it to a lady who had been in America, she said it was a custom similar to ours of putting the teaspoon in the saucer, if one wished another cup of tea, and leaving it in the cup to call signify the contrary. Not knowing this she had been served with two or three cups of tea more than she wished the first time she had been invited among strangers to partake of this beverage, yet it never occurred to us before that it was anything peculiar. – Daily Alta, 1863

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Modesty

In its use today, ‘modesty’ can be an emotional word, ringing of judgment and disdain, particularly when referring to what a person does not possess. It’s a word people can and have taken sides over.

Modesty in Today's World

If you look up “modesty” in the dictionary, you’ll find three variations of its meaning:

1. Not vain or boastful
2. Decent behavior or dress
3. Simple, minimal

In its use today, it can be an emotional word, ringing of judgment and disdain, particularly when referring to what a person does not possess. It’s a word people can and have taken sides over.

Masculine and Feminine Variations

Searching “modesty” online, I found images and sayings galore. And immediately noticed the majority related to the female of the species: what she shows or doesn’t show, or an inner quality of her beauty. Or her behavior of restraint to avoid being seen as less than decent or moral.

It became apparent that, what I believed to be a timeless, all-encompassing word, is generally associated with the feminine. And just as much today as in more conservative times.

It also seems that when applied to men, it is sometimes viewed as weak and unmanly.

But I think of modesty as a power word. If a person of either gender is modest, unassuming or understated in the presentation of himself or herself, that person actually has more power in that his or her qualities lay waiting to be discovered.

Dressing Modestly

Attire is what most people notice immediately when seeing someone. It is a primary element in a first impression.

When you show up to an event or occasion and are not dressed in the same level of formality that the event calls for, or you are dressed in a manner that draws undue attention to yourself, it is considered immodest.

It seems to matter more if you are a woman, the level of importance varying in different cultures. A woman who attends a business meeting dressed in a slinky cocktail-style dress is assumed to be of lesser character.

A man, I think, would be judged less harshly. If he showed up in sweats he would be judged crude, but not immodest, or of lesser character.

Behaving Modestly

Judith Martin, alias “Miss Manners,” agrees that modern modesty is not an easy word to define. For instance, “immodesty is to wear a bathing suit on a nude beach, thus calling attention to one’s body.”

What’s worse for her “than immodesty of dress or undress, is the current immodest fashion of dressing up one’s experience so that one appears to be more than one really is.” She goes on to say that she does not favor the “shocking policy of face-value honesty, but merely calling attention to the pleasure of being discovered to be better than one has presented oneself to be.”

Modest behavior consists of calm courtesies. One introduces himself, participates in conversation, does not disturb, smiles and makes eye contact appropriately, and shows genuine care for himself and others.

It is the making of that person everyone refers to as “nice” before they learn she is a famous playwright, brilliant scientist, or successful businessperson.

Etiquette-ful Modesty

Have more than you show, speak less than you know. 

~ William Shakespeare

Etiquette occurs within context, situation and relationship. It matters where you are and why you’re there.

It defers to respect, courtesy, and kindness in every situation, context and relationship. It is gender-free and applies to everyone.

Actions of etiquette that breed modesty are:

1. Know where you are!
2. Intend respect, courtesy, and kindness always.
3. Remain ever-mindful of what a situation calls for so that you aren’t the focus – nor are your outfit or body parts.

To be modest, is to be etiquette-ful. The elements of both appear in every aspect of our lives, encouraging quiet authenticity, and an avoidance of chaos

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Queen Victoria’s Breakfast Etiquette

A trend for tartan and tweed was inspired across the Kingdom due to Queen Victoria’s and Albert’s love of Scotland. They visited Scotland repeatedly, and after taking possession of Balmoral in 1848, they actually built a castle of their own.

The Queen’s Scottish Breakfast

A correspondent, after picturing the simplicity of the life at Balmoral during the Queen’s stay there, describes one of her ordinary, everyday breakfasts. The following is the menu of the breakfast served one day last week: 

Scotch porridge, cold rump steak pie, hot rump steak, cold gammon of bacon, boiled eggs, Scotch scones, brown bread, butter, honey, tea, coffee, and a kind of cocoa specially prepared for the Queen. The porridge was placed on the sideboard, and was served to each guest in blue and white china basins. These basins were filled by the attendants, as a matter of course, without any question as to whether porridge was wanted or not. It was evidently required by Court etiquette that the meal should be begin with this solid foundation, and that individual tastes of the honored visitors had to be kept in abeyance. 

Our informant expresses surprise that there was no game on the table, considering that to his certain knowledge, the larder was full of grouse shot by Prince Henry and the keepers, which certainly wanted eating. He is probably not aware that the Queen cannot tolerate the smell of game the first thing in the morning, and only allows it at the  later meals, out of deference to the tastes of others.—London Correspondent for The New York World, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Common Sense and Etiquette

A confused Senator unwittingly holds the Emperor of Brazil and other White House guests until 3:00 a.m. – Above, the 19th century Imperial family of Brazil, Dom Pedro II his wife and grandson.

Held Hostage by Etiquette

When Dom Pedro, then Emperor of Brazil, was entertained at the White House, he had been told by a confused Senator that it would be expected that he, the Emperor, should be the last of the guests to depart.

The President’s wife, however, informed her other guests that they would be expected to follow, not precede, the royal party in leaving the house. The result was that no one dared to go for fear of a breach of etiquette. But at 3 o'clock in the morning, a tired woman pretended illness, and the deadlock was broken.

Great is etiquette, but common sense is sometimes allowable. – Amador Ledger, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Good Manners Beget Good Manners

Simple good manners beget good manners. Most of us, though quite unaware of it, are imitative. We react almost instantly to the spirit of the other person and take our cue from his behavior. Thus, when we are pushed in the subway, we push back. When we are yelled at by a motorist, we retaliate. No wonder that at the end of a day nerves are raw and tempers hot. But it is all so needless even in the rush hours of a big city. 

The Simple Act Of Courtesy

Last week a tiny elderly lady from Virginia visiting in New York asked me to help her shop for gifts to take back to her family. After a tour of stores she remarked how courteous the sale spcople were. But I noticed that in this rushed and noisy and often harsh metropolis it was her own courtesy that had induced courtesy in return. When she spoke, softly and graciously, irritability vanished and voices turned gentle. Unconsciously, her manner influenced theirs.

Later in the afternoon, she asked to stop at my local dry cleaners. Here, I was sure, the ill-tempered manager would ruin her illusion that all New Yorkers were polite. She wanted 24-hour service on a dress, a request which would normally send him into a small fury. But again, the little miracle occurred. “Anything for a lady,” he said, and opened the door for us as we left. So do simple good manners beget good manners. Most of us, though quite unaware of it, are imitative. We react almost instantly to the spirit of the other person and take our cue from his behavior. Thus, when we are pushed in the subway, we push back. When we are yelled at by a motorist, we retaliate. No wonder that at the end of a day nerves are raw and tempers hot. But it is all so needless even in the rush hours of a big city. 

Traffic is fully as tangled and hectic as in Chicago or New York, but a calmly agreeable mood prevails throughout the day. Rather than try to beat one another onto a bus, people line up in orderly fashion awaiting their turn and heaven help the rude oaf who tries to cheat. He is rarely rebuked, but the concerted chill of the British glance would freeze an Eskimo.

As a woman bus conductor explained to me when I marveled at how smoothly this system worked: "We don't queue up just for buses, we do it at the greengrocers or any place that's busy." I said, "You’ve used courtesy to organize, to streamline. And it's such a gracious system.” “Well,” she said practically, "I don't know how gracious it is, but it sure saves everybody time.” I am often surprised how few people realize that simple acts of courtesy actually save time by bringing order out of confusion. – Elizabeth Byrd for Lenten Guideposts, 1965

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia