Most Etiquette is Common Sense

In ordinary social life, matters of precedence have been reduced to a few sane and very sensible rules—the first of which is “Ladies first!” There are only a few exceptions to this rule. When ascending or descending stairs the woman goes first, unless there is danger of tripping or falling, or if there are several heavy doors to be opened, such as in going from one car of a train to another. 

MANNERS, or etiquette, or whatever name you wish to call our general behavior, has changed a great deal since the days of our grandparents. I am very glad, for I never could remember all the silly little formalities that the young bride was supposed to have learned by the time she left the church door. In court life, or in our own army and navy life there are certain rules of precedence that must be observed. Why one should call first on the C.O.’s wife is more than I can tell, but it must be done. However, in ordinary social life, matters of precedence have been reduced to a few sane and very sensible rules—the first of which is “Ladies first!” There are only a few exceptions to this rule. When ascending or descending stairs the woman goes first, unless there is danger of tripping or falling, or if there are several heavy doors to be opened, such as in going from one car of a train to another. 

In going in and out of a restaurant the woman always precedes, but in getting out of a car, the man alights first and offers his hand to the woman to assist her. At the theater we find one of the exceptions to the rule. When there are tickets of admission, the person with the tickets always goes first. If it is a man, he goes down the aisle first, then stands aside and the woman enters first—by the way, the woman never takes the aisle seat when she is with a man. This is a carry-over from the old days when rowdies often made sitting on the aisle a precarious thing to do. In leaving, the woman precedes the man up the aisle. When two couples enter the theater together, the woman who is to have the farthest seat goes first, then the man who is to sit beside her. In boxes at the theater or football game the hostess takes the least desirable seat, giving the best view to the oldest guest, or to the guest of honor. 

Of course, at a circus, or a children’s performance, the children take the front seats. The bride issues at home cards and does not call until others have called upon her. A newcomer waits for her neighbors to call on her. If you glance over these rules, you’ll see that most of them are just common sense. If you just remember that it’s “Ladies first,” unless there is some reason, such as high-ranking title, or dangerous stairs or heavy doors, you shouldn’t encounter any difficulties. I wish that if you get stuck with any small problems, you’d write me. Maybe I can help straighten them out. – Deborah Ames, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Etiquette and Surface Veneer

I beg of you—don't mistake condescension for tolerance! Learn to like the butcher because he is a person—and, by the way, a person that knows something that you don’t. Respect him because he has learned a trade that may not be very savoury—but it is important. 

I was having an argument the other day as to the correct definition of the word “etiquette.” My opponent insisted that it meant merely the surface veneer of manners that people in the higher walks of life have acquired —that it is something that is not vitally necessary to the average person. I claim that “etiquette,” to me at least, is much larger than is any set of manners alone. It gees deeper than the surface of conformity to conventions, and relies on the basis of tradition that our many forefathers have given us. 

I think it was Emerson who said: “There is always a best way of doing everything . . . Manners form a rich varnish with which the routine of life is washed and its details adorned. If they are superficial, so are the dewdrops that give such a depth to the morning meadows.” I have never known anyone, no matter how great a person he was, who could “get away” with just a superficial veneer. Manners, although important, are truly of secondary importance—it is one's manner that is most important. Once the few basic rules are learned, you can forget the details and build up the biggest thing – your personality. 

You can’t possibly leave a feeling of graciousness and calmness with your fellow beings when you are worried by doubts and a feeling of uncertainty. I think the basis of all manners lies in that old proverb— “Politeness is to do and say the kindest thing in the kindest way.” I don't know who first said that, but I can remember it being dinned into me from the age of dependence until I was old enough not to need it. Make a habit of courteousness always and everywhere. Manners that are brought out only on state occasions usually fit as poorly as clothes that are worn only occasionally. If you feel kindly and act kindly toward everyone—even toward the person you most dislike—before long you will have developed an unconscious courtesy. 

After you have developed this kindliness of manner, there is another thing to learn—a true sense of people’s worth. Never estimate men for what they possess, but for what they are. The truly well-bred man or woman has simple tastes and makes no glorification of money. A display of wealth is as vulgar as a contempt for those who do not have it. Never treat anyone with contempt – remember that there is at least one fine quality in every person. A sense of values will give you a good-humored tolerance of others. When I was a young girl I was an awful snob—and I can see now that I must have been a rather odious person. I had utterly no reason to consider myself better than anyone else—yet I did because my sister and I had a nursery-governess and went away to a private school when all the other youngsters in our funny little town went to the local grammar school, and no doubt had a much better time than I did! 

Since I have been out of school and have lived more or less intimately with the Nobility of Europe, with rough American engineers in South America, and with Mexican peons in ranches along the border—I have learned that tolerance is one of the greatest assets that can be obtained. But—I beg of you—don't mistake condescension for tolerance! Learn to like the butcher because he is a person—and, by the way, a person that knows something that you don’t. Respect him because he has learned a trade that may not be very savoury—but it is important. – By Deborah Ames, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia