Antebellum Gents vs Parlor Snakes

The little book says, “At dinner, where the common household bread is used, it should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick. Rasped rolls are the most proper.” 

Fundamentals Remain the Same, But Strange Modifications Take Place in So-called Polite Behavior

Funny thing, etiquette! Some ways it changes most remarkably from generation; in other respects it remains the same down through the ages. From which one gathers that those points that remain ever the same contain some germ of the universal, while those that change with the seasons have to do with mere fashion. Which observations are stimulated by opening the covers of a little manual, dated 1848, and entitled “Etiquette for Gentlemen.” 

Back in 1848 you could tell a “gentleman” from a mere person. Now-a-days it isn’t so easy. The ante-bellum parlor snake, according to the picture on the cover of the little book, wore highwaisted trousers, with gaiter straps under his boots, a claw-hammer coat, an elaborate neckerchief and a shiny high beaver hat. One of the striking features of the little book, according to these free and easy times, is the chivalric deference assumed toward women. ’Tis said these courtesies were protective coloring for an Oriental attitude toward women, and upon the other hand, this view of the matter has been scouted by many. 

However, the little book says: “If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’ And again, in re introductions, “The inferior should always be introduced to the superior; the gentleman to the lady.’’ 

In the Ball Room 

Here is a little sentiment that might go well at dances of the present day. Almost any girl will tell you so. “If a lady should excuse herself from dancing when you have asked her, and you should immediately afterward see her dancing with another, do not take any unpleasant notice of it; the probability is that she preferred and expected to dance with someone better known and more highly favored, and not that she had any objection to you!’’ The present day youth gives the poor girl a “nasty look” upon similar occasions and ever afterward refuses to dance with the offending damsel. She has taken unwarranted liberty with the lordly male. 

Another quaint bit of instruction in ball room deportment is this: “If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; lightly touch it with the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression, not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.” Times have certainly changed! Here is a style that many of the more juvenile hostesses have found sadly out of date with the lads: “If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it, unless for the most unavoidable reasons.” 

The Music Room 

“If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede.” “When a lady is going to the piano, if near her, rise and give her your arm; if you can read music, turn over the leaves for her at the proper time.’’ 

At Dinner 

This is still good, and applicable more times than you’d think: “Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. But if one tried this, for instance —! If what you are eating before dessert, has any liquid, sop the bread and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of dessert having liquid, a spoon is usually provided.’’ Noting this use for bread one readily sees why the little book says, “At dinner, where the common household bread is used, it should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick. Rasped rolls are the most proper.” 

Finger bowls were evidently new style and not everybody knew how to use them, hence the following: “Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them with the napkin—but on no account be guilty of the disgusting practice of gargling your mouth, and ejecting the water into the glass.” This valuable little hand book belonged to John M. French of Keokuk, Iowa., grandfather of E. A. French of the National Bank of Riverside. — Riverside Daily Press, 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Minor Points of Victorian Etiquette

An old style “bow” — a lady bows first to a gentleman in the street —an action positively forbidden to him—and you see in it the whole theory of the superior innocence of women.
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

The Usages of Polite Society

Harper’s Bazar thus pleasantly calls attention to some minor points of every-day etiquette: Take, for instance, the fact that a lady bows first to a gentleman in the street —an action positively forbidden to him—and you see in it the whole theory of the superior innocence of women. A man keeps his place in society, and has the entree of respectable houses, when, it is possible, his life has become questionable; the innocence of women of any such conduct is asserted and maintained by giving her the right to say who shall be her acquaintances. 

It is a safeguard of society; if he chooses lower women, he cannot have her. And thus many things that seem trifling have in reality important bearings. Among these let us mention the circumstance that previous permission is needed before the introduction of the friend who may be walking with you to the friend whom you may meet, and that it is equally necessary to know if it be desirable to the other party; unless this is understood, the friend who is with you will walk on a few paces slowly, should you find it necessary to stop and speak. 

Of course, cases arise where this rule must be violated, but in those you probably know circumstances that warrant your taking the law into your own hands. Permission, however, is not needed at a ball to introduce a gentleman to a lady for a dance, provided that you have the right of introduction, probably for the reason that she is at liberty in that case to continue or end the acquaintance next day. — 1877


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia