Proper Etiquette Equals Prom Success

 

Although there are many ways to approach the festivities of Prom, there are a few guidelines that will make it more enjoyable, smooth, and memorable. Etiquette coach Kim R. Wilson explains what to do and what not to do.

For Ladies:
1. Manners matter: Always remember to say please and thank you.
2. Eating is a skill: Use the proper silverware by starting with the out- side and working your way in. Put your napkin on your lap to keep from spilling on your dress. Remove your gloves during dinner.
3. Accessorize: Wear a wrap or a shawl around your shoulders over a strapless dress. Do not wear rings over your gloves. Do wear your bracelet over your gloves.
4. You and your date: Make all en- trances with your date, and especially do not walk in front or behind them. Do go to Prom with a date who will pull your chair out at dinner. Tell your date how handsome he looks. Be on time, he's nervous enough as it is.
5. Alternative: Do not be afraid to go with your girl friends to Prom. Think of it as "less stress."

For Gentlemen:
1. Manners matter: Do not seat yourself when a lady is standing. Do stand when a lady excuses herself from the table. Pull her chair out when being seated.
2. You and your date: Do not enter a room before your date unless you are turning on the light for her. Check her wrap in for her at hotels and restaurants. Make all entrances with her. Do ask another woman to help pick out the corsage and be sure to match the color to the color of your date's dress. Do not forget to tell her how beautiful she looks.
3. Look and feel good: Do wear your best cologne, but do not completely drench yourself in it. Do not forget your cash. Do not drink and drive. Make your date feel special, and do not leave her with her friends all night, she spent a lot of time getting ready. – By: Monica Boardman for Woodside World, Volume 51, Number 6, 17 April 2007

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Etiquette for Invitations

There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater.

About Invitations

• A first invitation should be accepted if, possible. 
• A note of invitation to a dinner, luncheon or theater party should have a written note of reply within twenty-four hours so that the hostess may have time to fill the place should a guest be unable to accept. 
• It is polite to give reasons for declining an invitation, such as a previous engagement or absence from town. If a previous engagement is mentioned it is courteous to explain its nature. 
• An invitation should never be accepted provisionally as, for instance, "I should be delighted to accept your charming invitation if I am well enough" or "if I am in town." 
• An invitation once accepted is a binding obligation. If illness or any other cause rises, making it impossible to a dinner or luncheon after having accepted, an immediate note of explanation and regret should be sent to the hostess. 
• There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Receiving Line Etiquette

If you are a friend of the bride and unacquainted with the bridegroom she will introduce him to you after you have shaken hands with her. If you have not had an opportunity of congratulating her on her engagement you might say, "I must wish you both every happiness," but it is an old fashioned custom to offer good wishes to a bride at a reception, and therefore it is seldom done. – Image source, Pinterest

The Wedding Reception

Congratulations are usually offered as soon as an engagement is made known, and therefore there is no need to repeat them at the wedding reception. At the reception it suffices to shake hands with the bride and bridegroom after having shaken hands with the bride's mother. If unacquainted with the bride you should not wait to be introduced to her. She will offer to shake hands with you as a matter of course, you being a friend of the bridegroom and a guest in her mother's house. 

If you are a friend of the bride and unacquainted with the bridegroom she will introduce him to you after you have shaken hands with her. If you have not had an opportunity of congratulating her on her engagement you might say, "I must wish you both every happiness," but it is an old fashioned custom to offer good wishes to a bride at a reception, and therefore it is seldom done. 

Guests pass the bride and bridegroom so quickly that to pause and to make polite speeches would occupy too much time and would weary the newly married couple greatly if all the guests were to follow this lead. Handshakes and smiles are all that circumstances admit of on such occasions. 

Oftener than not, the bride has a word or two to say of thanks for a wedding present received on the previous evening, and this calls for a reply on the part of the sender before she can make room for another guest awaiting her turn to shake hands. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Era Restaurant Etiquette

On leaving the table, the woman follows or precedes the man, as she wishes. She should put on her gloves before leaving the table… An Edwardian Era engagement portrait of a young couple. — Image from the Etiquipedia library

It is the custom when dining at a restaurant for a woman to precede a man, when going to the table, but it is not uncommon for the man to go first, and good taste and common sense will probably make this latter the rule.

A menu card is given to the woman as well as to the man, but she has nothing to do with ordering the dinner unless the man asks her to make some selection. Even then, she should not do much suggesting.

If her escort asks her to choose a salad or her own sweet, she should do so without hesitation, as she should answer any question frankly before the food has been ordered. After the order has been given she should refrain from suggestion or critical comment.

If she wishes the waiter to give her a fork, or any other silver article that may be required through the meal, she is not to ask the waiter for it, but to tell her escort that he may send for it.

A woman is not supposed to give a waiter any order, but to act in all ways as though she were in a private house.

On leaving the table, the woman follows or precedes the man, as she wishes. She should put on her gloves before leaving the table. —From Riverside Enterprise, 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Phone Etiquette Still Apropos

What have we here? — A vintage rotary phone with 2 antique phone dialers with sterling silver handles. – Telephone dialers were used from the 1930’s through the 1960’s, to keep fingernails from breaking or polish from chipping off of fingernails, when dialing a rotary phone. They are similar to flatware handles on one end, with a small knob on the other end, that was inserted into the holes of the phone dial for turning it with ease. Rotary dials were first made about 1900 and were standard on phones made in the 1920s up until the 1960s. Push button phones, like those we have today, were not common in homes until the 1980’s.

Question: In using the telephone. should a woman say: "This is Mary Smith speaking," or "This is Mrs. Smith'"?

Answer: A young woman, whether married or single, when speaking over the telephone to another woman of her own social position, always says: "This is Mary Smith." The person answering should say: "How do you do, Mrs. Smith," unless she habitually calls her by her first name, "Mary."

In business conversations or to one who is not her equal, a woman always speaks of herself as "Mrs. Smith."

A middle aged or elderly woman always speaks of herself as "Mrs. Smith." except, of course, to those who actually call her by her first name.

Socially, a young man should say, This is John Jones speaking, but in business he should say, "Mr. Jones speaking."

Business etiquette requires that a woman say, "This is Miss Smith of the R. H. Jones Co." or "R. H. Jones Co., Mr. Jones' secretary speaking."— From “Standard Rules of Etiquette,” 1930

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Meeting, Greeting Etiquette

When tables in a restaurant are close to one another, or full of patrons and a busy wait staff, proper etiquette is important to follow. Rise from your to meet or greet someone only if etiquette dictates that you do so.

• When a lady passing another seated at a table in a restaurant, stops and shakes hands, the one seated does not rise unless she is very young and the one passing is quite old. 
• All the gentlemen rise and stand until the lady has gone on whether she is known to them or not. 
• The woman whose friend stops to speak to her does not make an introduction unless she is sure that to both an introduction is desired. 
• If the ladies are introduced, they do not rise. 
• If a man stops at the table the gentlemen do not rise unless there is a great difference in ages. 
• Under no circumstances should a woman stop at a table and engage in a long conversation, keeping the poor men standing for several minutes. She should speak a few words to her friend, nod to those in the party that she does know, and go on her way. – From “Standard Rules of Etiquette”, 1930

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Q. and A. Etiquette for Audiences

   Crossing Your Ts, Dotting Your Is, and Minding Your Ps and Qs in a Q & A

  We recently attended a marvelous presentation on a very important historical event. It was informative and entertaining and exceptionally well done.. And then, the floor was opened up for a Q & A session. That's when it all fell apart. It was an excruciating half hour or so as we heard ten or more life stories and maybe one or two worthwhile questions. It occurred to me that there are many people who don't know what a question is and who don't know how to properly ask a question. The art of the question is essential in history and science, in every aspect of life in fact. In order to advance knowledge, in order to learn, in order to be human, everything starts with a question. The ability to question makes us human and sets us apart from other organisms. Putting aside philosophical versions of questioning, questioning is how we interact with each other as humans.  The huge secret that Dale Carnegie revealed in his How to Win Friends and Influence People books, lectures, and programs that still impact countless people today is that one initiates and builds relationships by asking questions of the other person in order to get to know them better and make them feel at ease.

    So questioning is important. We've all been in meetings and situations where questions are asked that make us shake our heads or tune out. Educators, parents, and others should spend time and energy helping their young people learn how to develop and ask meaningful and specific questions so that they can learn and, maybe more importantly, learn how to learn. 

    Here are a few tips for the next time you find yourself in a Q & A session:

    1. Nobody cares about your life story. There is a reason you're in the audience and not on stage.

    2. If you have a question, step up to the microphone and take your place in line. Don't make people wait for you to cross the room.

    3. There should be no more than one or two periods and one or two question marks in your entire speech. Follow ups should be made a part of your original speech.

    4. Ask and move back to your seat. Never ever stand there with three or four questions.

    5. Avoid phrases like "I think." See rule #1.

    6. Don't promote yourself during your time. 

    7. Ask yourself: Will the answer enlighten anyone else in the audience?

    8. DO NOT, under any circumstance, raise your hand after a question is asked and say to the presenter, "May I answer that?" Especially when you are an old geezer who actually does nothing to answer the question because you probably misunderstood it in the first place.

   Every day I find myself developing a greater appreciation for listening and questioning, two crucial life skills that seem to be harder and harder to find, as our world, unfortunately,  seems to be growing more and more contentious, fractured, and dysfunctional.  We should be doing our best to develop and model these skills as much as we can.

Etiquipedia would like to thank Jeff, of The Histocrats Blogspot, for graciously allowing us to reprint this helpful etiquette article which is on the Histocrats’ site ⏳

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Families of Newly Engaged Couples

Meeting the family… “Etiquette requires that within 24 hours after receiving the news of the engagement, the groom’s relatives should call on the bride and her family, welcoming her in the family. Later they should give a dinner, tea or dance in her honor, if the engagement is announced publicly…”

Question: Should the young man's relatives call upon his fiancée upon receiving news of his engagement? Answer: Etiquette requires that within 24 hours after receiving the news of the engagement, the groom’s relatives should call on the bride and her family, welcoming her in the family. Later they should give a dinner, tea or dance in her honor, if the engagement is announced publicly. If there is no public announcement, they entertain her in a more quiet fashion. 

Question: Is public announcement made when the engagement is to be long? Answer: This again is largely a matter of personal taste, but the announcement is often made to protect the couple from conjecture and gossip. – From Imperial Valley Press, 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Depression Era Card Etiquette

Forty years after this playful pup chewing a newspaper was created to hold calling cards, the etiquette of punctilious of card leaving was no longer practiced in large cities like New York, but the custom continued in smaller communities through the United States.

Wondering when should cards be left? Etiquette no longer demands the paying of “party calls”, and in New York, in particular, punctilious card leaving, days at home and visiting have gone out of fashion, although in other communities, particular smaller one, it is considered good form to receive calls and to make them. The individual should adapt himself to the ways of the community in which he lives. In all cities however, certain conventions should be observed by those most indifferent to social obligations. – From “Standard Rules of Etiquette,” 1930

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More 1931 Etiquette of Weddings

Many wedding etiquette rules became a “matter of choice” or a “matter of taste”, both became synonymous with “matter of finances,” after WWI, the Spanish Flu or Great Influenza, and the Great Depression. Weddings became scaled back and less formal affairs throughout the United States for the majority of brides and bridegrooms, as even families who had a bit of money didn’t want to appear “showy” or “ostentatious” to their less fortunate neighbors or family members. Big weddings with all of the traditional frills, did not really come back into vogue until the mid-1950’s and early 1960’s. – A post-WWII, small California town wedding, circa 1946-1947

 

Question: Do bride and bridesmaids wear gloves?
Answer: This is solely a matter of choice.

Question: Who gives the bride away if she has no father?
Answer: Any male relative or a family friend. Sometimes the mother gives her daughter away.

Question: Should there be an exchange of wedding rings?
Answer: This again is a matter of taste and not of etiquette.

– Imperial Valley Press, 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Bridegroom’s Financial Duties

The bridegroom of nearly a century ago, needed to buy a wedding present for the bride which was something for her personal use, jewelry if he could afford it…

Question: What expenses are traditionally born by the groom?

Answer: The groom pays for: 

• The engagement ring, 

• A wedding present for the bride which should be something for her personal use, jewelry if he can afford it, 

• The wedding ring, 

• The bachelor supper, 

• The marriage license, gifts to the best man and ushers, 

• The best man and ushers’ wedding ties, gloves and boutonnieres, 

• The bride's bouquet, 

• The clergyman's fee, 

• And all expenses of the wedding trip.–

 –Imperial Valley Press, 1931

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 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japan, Faxes and Penmanship Etiquette

Writing by hand and especially good penmanship are skills which continue to be highly valued by the Japanese, at a time when cursive penmanship is barely being taught in schools in Western nations.

 From 2012:

The culture of handwriting is firmly rooted in Japan. The majority of resumes or CVs (curriculum vitae) are still handwritten because Japanese employers are said to judge people's personalities from their writings. 

Fax machines gather dust in parts of the world, consigned to history since the rise of email. Yet in Japan, a country with a hi-tech reputation, the fax is thriving.

At Japan's talent agency HoriPro Inc, Yutaro Suzuki is busy writing up his next project proposal. Not typing, but writing by hand.

HoriPro is one of the largest and oldest agencies in the country and Suzuki publicises almost 300 singers and actors. But behind this glamorous profile, he cordially writes detailed schedules by hand.

"It takes longer but my feelings and passion come across better," says the 48-year-old public relations expert. "I find emails very cold so I prefer to fax handwritten documents."

In a country which boasts one of the fastest broadband speeds in the world, Suzuki thinks his affection for the fax may be a rare case in such a tech-savvy country. But 87.5% of Japanese businessmen surveyed by the Internet Fax Research Institute say that a fax machine is a crucial business tool.

And Suzuki's preference reflects aspects of Japanese culture which still embrace fax machines, despite their disappearance from parts of the developed world.

Firstly, the culture of handwriting is firmly rooted here. For example, the majority of resumes are still handwritten because Japanese employers are said to judge people's personalities from their writings.

For season's greetings cards, don't dare think of sending computer generated messages, says Midori's "how to write a letter" website.

"New Year's cards without handwritten messages come across as businesslike and automatic," it says.
                         

Though what we once used daily for a century, has nearly been tossed to the wayside due to new technology, 87.5% of Japanese businessmen surveyed by the Internet Fax Research Institute in 2012 say that a fax machine is a crucial business tool. 

Not surprisingly, people aspire to have good handwriting. Calligraphy remains one of the most popular lessons that parents send their children to and many adults take private lessons to improve their writings, too. 

Secondly, Japan is obsessed with hard copies. People like to hold actual documents, not just to receive soft copies. 

"You may miss an email but if you fax a document, it's physically there so you cannot miss it," says Setsuko Tsushima who runs a real estate agency. 

"Even if I am not in the office, other staff would notice that an urgent document has come through," she adds. 

For any official documents including housing contracts, they also require seals instead of signatures in Japan. 

The majority of the population has a seal called jitsuin which is officially registered as theirs through a government office. 

Unless original documents must be submitted in person, fax machines again come in handy because documents stamped with seals can be sent. 

There is another reason Japan continues to use fax machines in the email era. 

Japan is a country known to be high-tech but not everyone is. More than a fifth of the population is aged over 65. 

The older generation who cannot keep up with emails still prefer to use fax machines. 

That is why Supermarket Aeon has decided to take orders by fax and phone, not just on their website. 

"We started taking orders online in 2008 but received quite a few requests from customers, especially in rural areas, that they prefer to order by phone or fax," says Hideo Binnaka who heads the online sales team. 

"They are mainly our older customers so we also offer to check up on them if we don't receive any orders for a month to make sure that they are ok." 

There are two types of Japanese consumers: those who are very high-tech and others who are still wedded to traditional forms. 

The majority of Japanese households - 58.6% of them according to the government - still owns a fax machine, which also functions as a phone. 

They are not necessarily clunky and old, however, because the manufacturers continue to release new models which have the latest technology including online faxing. It allows users to fax a document by using the internet. 

The Internet Fax Research Institute says that more Japanese companies are keen to use e-fax (a fax sent using the internet) due to advantages such as cost reduction, business efficiency and environmental friendliness. 

But for Suzuki, nothing beats handwriting. "I draw maps, too," he says. And there it is, on his summer party invitation, a map to the venue with every detail that partygoers need. –From BBC News, Tokyo, by Mariko Oi, 2012

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Twin Coat Buttons

“If you put their inception back into the time when the big square art embroidered and gorgeously lined overcoats were worn, two centuries ago, and when the gallants of the time were wont to go forth on dress parade with the sword at the side and ready to resent any informality of etiquette, you will find that in order to reach the side arm more readily the skirts of the coat were turned back in a reverse shaped way and buttoned or looped upon two buttons at the back placed as these are at the present day.” – Image source, Pinterest : Coat National Trust Inventory Number 1348779 Date 1760 - 1770 Materials Linen, Silk, Silk twill, Steel Collection Snowshill Wade Costume Collection, Gloucestershire (Accredited Museum)

For many years the two buttons have figured at the waist line of the back of the man's skirt or frock coat. Now, why are they there? For ornament and effect? Not so, originally, for these two buttons were at their beginning for service and not for decoration. 

If you put their inception back into the time when the big square art embroidered and gorgeously lined overcoats were worn, two centuries ago, and when the gallants of the time were wont to go forth on dress parade with the sword at the side and ready to resent any informality of etiquette, you will find that in order to reach the side arm more readily the skirts of the coat were turned back in a reverse shaped way and buttoned or looped upon two buttons at the back placed as these are at the present day. 

In this way they secured an immunity from drapery when the command came, “Draw and defend thyself,” and at the same time exploited a segment of the rich inside of the skirt of the coat in a very effective way. The tinsel, the side arm, the court etiquette, the duello and the gorgeous flowered texture of the coat have gone before, but those two buttons remain on the tail coats of to-day, a suggestion of that period of laces, brocades and romance. — Lewiston Journal, February 14, 1891

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New Etiquette for Hollywood Needed?

Evidently the photographer was still hanging around when Shelley Winters showed up at the police station to claim her man!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a slew of etiquette books. I have old, collectable books, vintage books, antiquarian books, and even a few new ones hanging around. My favorites are the vintage etiquette books. I especially love any original tomes by Amy Vanderbilt, Letitia Baldrige and Miss Manners. Those are true gems. Whenever I am looking for new things to post, or reading submitted articles, I find things that are well written, funny and honestly helpful with regard to “new etiquette.” This one is a gem! In our celebrity obsessed culture, this plea for new etiquette, from 1957, was a refreshing reminder of just how innocent the 1950s seemed.

New Book Needed? 

"MY GOOD deed for this day is a gratis presentation of a million dollar idea to Amy Vanderbilt and her host of imitators. The etiquette authorities, in their eagerness to transform us into a nation of Fauntleroys and Miss Prisses have somehow overlooked a virgin territory ripe for their ministrations. The ladies have prescribed the ground rules for every social contingency (rum apple bobbing to zebra hunting), but they have let their public down woefully on a 'Book of Etiquette As She Is Practiced in Hollywood.' 

THERE IS a crying well, maybe, a screaming need for such a tome. Such a volume, if written by Mme. Fearless Fairless, would clear up the justifiable confusions that assail the civilian or non-Hollywood mind when Miss Shelley Winters (the inflammable Bernhardt of the screen), and her fiance, Anthony Franciosa, who is incadescent on his own, became entangled with (1) a news photographer and (2) with the law. The nuances of Hollywood social usage and the delicate shadings of custom in the cinema capital are splendidly illustrated by this fracas and also the necessity of a book that will explain these tribal taboos to outlanders. 

TO BEGIN WITH Miss Winters and Franciosa have made no secret of their betrothal in any Broadway or theatre gossip column which would print the word. Nor has the phrase "Festively Top Secret" been stamped on the news that they would be wedded once the fiance was divorced by his wife. Furthermore, Miss Winters has never shown any more repugnance to being photographed by the press than, say, Jayne Mansfield. So when Miss Winters and her fiance went publicly and together to the Superior Court Building in Los Angeles to make an open and public bid on a home in Beverly Hills, a news photographer started to take a routine picture of the pair.

THIS IS WHERE the plot thickens and confusion reigns for us barbarians beyond the hills of Hollywood. The attempt to take a picture of Miss Winters and Franciosa together obviously fractured a strictly cinema social taboo. It caused Franciosa to fall upon the photographer and aim a placekick at his groin. And caused the law to jail Franciosa. "We can't have our pictures taken! He is still getting a divorce!" screamed Miss Winters. "He doesn’t want to be photographed because he doesn't want any scandal!” Sure enough, Franciosa was getting a divorce, on that very day. (Or rather, his wife received such a decree in Reno.)

ANYWAY, there you have the epitome of the delicate social usages that make Hollywood a trap for the unwary and a book of etiquette a necessity. Apparently, one of the basic rules says that if one is engaged to a man in the process of getting a divorce, it is all right to say it in print but not in pictures. That would constitute scandal. Of course, any book of etiquette is one-tenth politesse and nine-tenths anthropology. So my nominee as the author to tackle Hollywood's etiquette problems is Anthropologist Margaret Mead. Her study of the natives of Samoa made her world famous and ought to prepare her handsomely for research among the Holly-woodenheads." — Inez Robb for The Dessert Sun, May 4, 1957

By site contributor, Maura J. Graber. Etiquette and antique silver enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is generally annoyed by pleas for “new etiquette.” Oh yes, and she edits, publishes and maintains the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia blog!

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Italian Etiquette with Galatime II

At the same time we can also decorate the table with small and harmonious ceramic objects (see for example in the photos the delight of the small Oriente Italiano egg by Ginori 1735 in periwinkle colour), but we avoid using fish-themed decorations if it is a meat dinner or using too much silver if it’s a rustic lunch. It is also possible to use a centerpiece that includes flowers, fruit or even vegetables; in the evening the combination of candles and flowers is permitted, but is mostly recommended for weddings.

From the new book by contributors, Petra Carsetti and Carlo Cambi, 

“Galatime ACT II: Life as a stage of elegance”

Many are unaware that candles during the day should not be used, not even for the centerpiece. They are only allowed for evening meals (usually after 8) and must be not too high (for the same principle as the flowers), nor too low not to make the hands and cuffs of the diners hot; the candles will be lit before sitting at the table and turned off when everyone has left, never in the presence of diners.

At the same time we can also decorate the table with small and harmonious ceramic objects (see for example in the photos the delight of the small Oriente Italiano egg by Ginori 1735 in periwinkle colour), but we avoid using fish-themed decorations if it is a meat dinner or using too much silver if it’s a rustic lunch. It is also possible to use a centerpiece that includes flowers, fruit or even vegetables; in the evening the combination of candles and flowers is permitted, but is mostly recommended for weddings.

We think that a beautiful table is the functional one and without ostentation: the furniture of the table with its elements of quality - even if few and not necessarily luxury - are just as important- as many as the quality of the ingredients of a menu! Menu that is key in organizing a successful invitation.

The first reason why it is good to prepare the menu in advance is that among our guests there may be vegetarian, vegan people, with intolerances and allergies or with religious precepts such as to require them to avoid certain foods. Thinking about suitable recipes means first of all having respect for our diners but also then not having problems in the kitchen having to make up for it with a delicious recipe at the last moment. If this were to happen, it would deprive us of the opportunity to be with our guests in serenity and for as long as we want to allow each other.— By Petra Carsetti and Carlo Cambi, 2023

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, is a frequent television guest and is very active on Instagram @galateopetra_carsetti

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Washington DC Hostesses

“The job of hostess to the Vice President-elect was filled. Possibly spurred on by applications from eager ladies (‘I didn't know whether they wanted to marry me or hire out to me’), Alben Berkley named his daughter, Mrs. Max Truitt.” ~ TIME Magazine, November 29, 1948 – Image of “Mrs. Max Truitt” from Truman Library. gov

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Vice President’s daughter was always referred to as “Mrs. Max Truitt” in the press, as at that time, married women were always referred to as “Mrs.” Followed by the names of their husbands. That rule was not relaxed until 30 years later when the “Guidelines for News-writing about Women,” was compiled by Stanford University Women’s News Service and released and circulated to media outlets and to women’s groups in 1978. It took another 30 years or more for it to become commonplace in many parts of the United States. ‘“Prefixes indicating marital status should be avoided.” Why? What about the woman who is proud to be Mrs. John Doe, along with any other accomplishments?’ lamented one Southern California, female journalist at the time.

‘Dolly-Alice’ Social Row May Disappoint Ladies of Washington D.C.

CAPITAL HOSTESSES, who haven't enjoyed a good social row since the days of Dolly Gann and Alice Longworth's spat over who should sit where at dinner, have been glowing with anticipation over the problem of who will be Vice President Barkley's official hostess, and where she will rank at official dinners. Vice President Barkley, like Vice President Charlie Curtis, is a widower. That was why Curtis' half-sister, Mrs. Edward Everett Gann, was made his official hostess.

And it was the question of whether the vice president's sister or the wife of Speaker Longworth preceded the other at dinner which threw social Washington into such a hubbub during the Hoover administration. However, Alben Barkley may disappoint the ladies. Alben is not averse to going out to dinner. In fact, he is in great demand. But he doesn't relish social rows.

Furthermore, his counterpart is also single Speaker-to-be Sam Rayburn. Close friends, Sam and Alben have been going out together as widowers for so long that the idea of their rowing over protocol brings smiles to those who know them.

Barkley Sam was married once, so Rayburn long ago that most people think he was always a bachelor. He has no official hostess and doesn't intend to have one. Barkley says he’s had a “number of applicants” for the Job, but if he needs an official hostess, he will draft his daughter, gracious Mrs. Max Truitt. — By Drew Pearson for The Minneapolis Star, Nov 18, 1948

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tea Etiquette: Reading the Leaves

"Floating tea leaves mean 'watch for strangers coming.' To tell the gender and the day of arrival, put them on the back of one hand and tap with the back of the other until they adhere - each tap is one day - and if they are soft leaves it is a woman; if hard, a man." 

The story of tea is as strange and as fascinating as any that one can read. A prehistoric event dating back some five thousand years is bound to be shrouded in many mysteries, but the exceptional qualities of tea are such that many legends developed concerning its beginnings. A highly civilized people like the Chinese considered it a special gift from heaven. In India, too, it was much the same. In Japan a special ceremony grew around it. This habit of drinking tea is the only purely Asian custom which commands universal interest. Through it the East and West have met - in a teacup! 

Its introduction had a charming influence on our Western culture, even though a great deal of smuggling and piracy helped to bring it about. Discriminating Chinese taste insisted that tea should be drunk from porcelain; and this subsequently had a tremendous effect on world trade and the voyages of clipper ships. Art, politics, and religion were all involved.

All this mystery and adventure stirred up many superstitions. Even today some tea companies attach a little saying to each teabag, such as:

"To stir tea in the pot is to stir up strife."

"Floating tea leaves mean 'watch for strangers coming.' To tell the gender and the day of arrival, put them on the back of one hand and tap with the back of the other until they adhere - each tap is one day - and if they are soft leaves it is a woman; if hard, a man." 

Fortune-telling from tea leaves is not solely a gypsy custom. Many people have read meanings into the shapes and groups of leaves that form in the bottom of the cup - how accurately is, of course, another matter. — By Patricia Easterbrook Roberts, 1967

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Funeral Floral Etiquette

Flowers may be sent to either the house or the church. Flowers can be carried to the burial place if the family so desires. White flowers like lilies, carnations and chrysanthemums are some of the most popular and traditional funeral flowers for faith-based, religious services. The lily represents the spirit of a deceased loved one and it is said that lilies offer hope. Any flowers which are fragrant and long-lasting flowers are ideal. According to the language of flowers, white carnations mean “Innocence” and “Purity.” While white is the most purchased color in the United States, other colors can hold special significance. For example, pink carnations translate to thoughts of remembrance. A favorite color of the deceased loved one can also be a good choice, especially if the loved one being mourned lived a long, full life. Mums, or Chrysanthemums, symbols for grief, are good choices when the family in mourning is Japanese, Korean or Chinese.

Question: To whom does one address flowers sent to a funeral?

Answer: Either to the head of the family or to the person who may be considered the chief mourner. If there are several sisters or brothers, the flowers may be sent to the one whom one knows best. Flowers may be sent to either the house or the church.

Question: Should all flowers be carried to the burial place?

Answer: Only if the family so desires.

–Imperial Valley Press, May 1931

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Formal 1930’s Dinners

The maids in black or gray dresses and with white aprons, if they are well trained, can serve a dinner equally as well as butlers in evening clothes and footmen in livery.

Question: If maid servants are employed, how is a formal dinner served?

Answer: A formal dinner is served in exactly the same way by maids, as by men servants. The maids in black or gray dresses and with white aprons, if they are well-trained, can serve a dinner equally as well as butlers in evening clothes and footmen in livery. Most dinners in large cities take place at 7:30 or 8 o'clock and consist from four to five courses. – From “Standard Rules of Etiquette,” 1931

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bride’s vs Wedding Cake Etiquette, 1931

According to Emily Post, a wedding cake was the chief ornament of a wedding table – “Dear Mrs. Post: Is it necessary to have a wedding cake on a buffet table at the wedding reception, in addition to the small boxes of wedding cake that are to be stacked on a table for the guests to take home with them? Answer: Yes. As a rule the wedding cake is the chief ornament of the wedding table. I have never, as a matter of fact, seen a wedding table without one.”

Question: What is the difference between the bride's cake and the wedding cake?

Answer: The bride's cake is the large white cake, elaborately decorated, and containing the traditional, ring, thimble and coin. The bride cuts the first slice and the cake is served to the guests.

Wedding cake is the rich black fruit cake, slices of which are placed in little individual white boxes, bearing the initials of the bride and groom, and given to each guest.– From “Standard Rules of Etiquette,” 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Correspondence Etiquette

If the wedding is to be so small that no engraved invitations are used, the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride.

Question: When may a written note be used as an invitation to a wedding?

Answer: If the wedding is to be so small that no engraved invitations are used, the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride.

Question: When are wedding announcements sent?

Answer: If no general invitations were sent to the church, the announcement of the marriage is sent to the entire visiting list of both the bride's and the groom's family. – Imperial Valley Press, March, 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Mourning Etiquette

By the 1930’s, after the enormous loss of lives in WWI and the worldwide Influenza Epidemic of 1918 and 1919,  many rules of mourning had fallen by the wayside. One of these was black trimmed mourning stationary, which was seen less and less frequently. As people persevered and life went on, especially in large, growing cities, the previously watched social regulations for those in mourning, became enforced less often. – Above, a 1913 letter signifying a death is mailed, using black trimmed mourning stationary.

 

Question: What is the etiquette in regard to mourning apparel?

Answer: Regulations for mourning are no longer as strict as those prevailing several generations ago since many today do not believe in going into mourning at all. Some prefer it as a protection against thoughtless remarks.

People do not put on black for aunts, uncles or cousins unless there is a deep tie of affection. Today many omit the long mourning veils and crepe.

Lustreless silks and plain, quiet garments constitute mourning. Children, if wearing mourning at all, are usually dressed all in white. A man’s mourning apparel usually consists of a black band on the hat or left sleeve. – Imperial Valley Press, 13 May, 1931

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia