Edwardian Etiquette for Invitations

There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater.

About Invitations

• A first invitation should be accepted if, possible. 
• A note of invitation to a dinner, luncheon or theater party should have a written note of reply within twenty-four hours so that the hostess may have time to fill the place should a guest be unable to accept. 
• It is polite to give reasons for declining an invitation, such as a previous engagement or absence from town. If a previous engagement is mentioned it is courteous to explain its nature. 
• An invitation should never be accepted provisionally as, for instance, "I should be delighted to accept your charming invitation if I am well enough" or "if I am in town." 
• An invitation once accepted is a binding obligation. If illness or any other cause rises, making it impossible to a dinner or luncheon after having accepted, an immediate note of explanation and regret should be sent to the hostess. 
• There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for a “No” Response

When You Have Trouble Accepting “No” for an Answer

“No” comes in many forms throughout your day.  The horn blowing in traffic to let you know you can’t move into the next lane, the cashier who closes his line when you’re ready to check out, the toddler who screams “No!” as you try to put away a toy, the spouse who declines your suggestion of dinner out.

Whenever you think you deserve a “yes,” and know what that looks like, you probably shift into the attitude of, “Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer!”  Or you might become defensive and use “Why not?” as a challenging reply.

We know when we ask a question that the chance of receiving the answer we want is like a roll of the dice.  Why is accepting “no” such a difficult thing to do?

Early Messages

Intellectually, we know that limits and boundaries make it possible for humans to harmoniously exist together socially.  However, “no” can be an emotionally charged word depending on how you learned it as a child.

“No” can represent protection or safety as in, “I’m telling you no for your own good.”  But it can also present the message that you are a bad person, you can’t do anything right, or you are being rejected. 

Think of it this way: if you ever passed notes in school that read, “Do you like me?  Yes or No” and you received multiple notes back with “No” circled, it’s no wonder you have issues with the word as an adult.

Accepting Graciously

Etiquette, at times, asks that you set personal issues aside to do what is right in that moment.  One of these times will be when you are told “No.”

In that moment, you are called upon to accept the answer graciously:

• Make eye contact with the person who is saying no or delivering negative feedback directly.  Keep your eyes and face relaxed.
• Acknowledge with a simple, “Okay,” or an acknowledgment that it’s been said.
• Ask for the reason if you don’t understand.
• Really listen to what’s being said and remember to breathe.  
• If it’s the right time and place to disagree, do so, or wait until later to have further discussion.  

Accepting “no” doesn’t necessarily mean the subject is closed.  If you’ve calmly received negative feedback at work, ask to set up a time when you can learn more about how you can improve.  After good use of the interim time, come prepared with your own ideas for improvement to discuss in the follow-up meeting.

In the case of personal situations when you are told “no,” understand that everyone needs boundaries.  Just as you protect yourself with personal boundaries, others do as well.  The “no” may not be all about you.

Ensuring Your “No” Can Be Accepted

Learning to gracefully and appropriately accept “no” for an answer is an etiquette-ful way to help others be more likely to say “yes” to future requests.

One way to pay it forward and help others accept your “no” is to deliver it respectfully and considerately.  You can do this by saying “yes” in some form before you say “no.”

• If your next-door neighbor asks for help with a garage sale and you really don’t want to take time away from your day off, be appreciative that she asked you.
  “Cecilia, it’s nice of you to think I would be capable of this and thanks for asking.  I’m pounding out my entire set of lesson plans for next week so, unfortunately, I am going to have to decline.” 

• Your boss has given you a second big assignment and you know that there isn’t going to be time to get it done.
  “Mr. Johnson, of course I’m ready to take on the task you’ve given me, and I also have the Porter project deadline to meet.  Which one should be my focus to finish by Friday afternoon?”

• A person you’ve had one date with takes the fun evening as a sign that you’re ready to go out with him again soon, but you really don’t want to go so fast.
  “John, thank you for a very nice time.  I’m flattered that you want to go out again soon, but I’m not ready to go forward so quickly right now.”   

Etiquette is about being sensitive to time, place and circumstances.  The skills we learn as children can be fine-tuned as we gain self-command and grow into the people we are meant to be.

It is necessary to say “no” sometimes.  Keep in mind that how you say it can determine how well it is accepted.  The word “decline” is a softer version of the word “no,” or you might substitute with an appropriate phrase.

But however you choose to say it, you have a right to your own decision.  And, from an etiquette standpoint, you are obligated to accept the decisions of other people.

                                             

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

R.S.V.P.s and Good Manners

“To use them (R.S.V.P.) is, of course, the equivalent for suggesting to one whom you invite to be your guest, that some doubt exists as to whether he knows enough of good society to answer an invitation.”
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In other words, putting R.S.V.P. on an invitation, is tantamount to saying, “As you have no manners and normally won’t respond, please do respond this time. Okay?” Because receiving most invitations should be seen as an honor. A simple, “Thank you! I would love to attend.” or an, “I’m sorry, but I will have to miss your event. I hope it is a great success.” are both easy to say and don’t leave hosts or hostesses in the lurch, waiting for replies. To not reply when invited exhibits poor manners. Many snubbed hosts will drop those who don’t reply from future guest lists.

“R.S.V.P.,” “Rsvp” or “RSVP?” 

They are all correct ways of asking for a reply 

The initials R.S.V.P. are still seen upon many invitations, but by no means as often as was once the case. To use them is, of course, the equivalent for suggesting to one whom you invite to be your guest, that some doubt exists as to whether he knows enough of good society to answer an invitation. That they are falling into something of disfavor augurs well for our growing good manners and familiarity with the customs of polite society.— San Francisco Call, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Perfecting One’s Social Etiquette

Never complain, never explain... If ever there was a Dame Grundy in period dramas, it was Violet, the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey. 

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 “When you are the person invited, do not gush over your acceptances or your regrets, but make your replies brief, and simple with complete avoidance of explanations as to why you can not—explanations of any sort now being considered extremely bad form.” 

— Meme source, Pinterest 

For School Girls of Dame Grundy

Perfecting one’s self in the rules of etiquette is a continuous occupation of a most interesting kind, for though the fundamental principles never change, there is a constant change in minor matters due to the fads and fancies of Madam Grundy. And not to keep abreast of the caprices of that autocratic lady, is to be behind the times, indeed.

Madam Grundy this season frowns upon the exhibition of excessivity in any form, and so it is not the fashion now to gush, though it wasn’t too long ago that gushing people were thought most attractive. But the proper tone of today is to have a manner which is cordial and sincere, but distinctly quiet, and this requires considerable drilling to attain.

When you invite your friends to do anything, show the sincerity of your desire to have them accept by a manner which is warm but not urgent. If they accept quietly show your pleasure, but if they decline or if they show an uncertainty, do not be insistent or try to tease them into doing what may be quite impossible. And, on the other hand, when you are the person invited, do not gush over your acceptances or your regrets, but make your replies brief, and simple with complete avoidance of explanations as to why you can not—explanations of any sort now being considered extremely bad form.

So much embarrassment would be eliminated if girls would strive unceasingly to acquire the tone of moderation now in vogue, for everyone has experienced the awkwardness of being gushingly urged to say, “yes” when one has said, “no,” and being expected to give reasons for declining when often the reasons were quite too personal to give. 

At the table, it is a marked evidence of good breeding not to urge food upon a guest. It is an unwritten law of hospitality that what is yours is your guest’s, and this pertains to all matters, but it transcends good taste when you are over solicitous about the things they do or do not eat. It is of course your duty as hostess to see that things are properly served to your guests, but having offered, make no comment on what they do. Some persons are small eaters, others are large, some like everything, and others like only a few things, but all are sensitive to remarks and object to having attention called to their idiosyncrasies.

If you are on intimate terms with your hostess and the occasion is an informal one, since it is quite proper for you to make comments of a personal character, such as praising the good things she has to eat, or the decorations for a party, or expressing your appreciation of the good time she has given you. But do not employ all the expletives in your vocabulary in doing so, for such, excessive effusion is artificial and condemned, as all artificiality is on the score of insincerty and bad taste.

On occasions of a formal character, it is not good form to make personal remarks of any sort in regard to the matters pertaining to your entertainment. Though there may be some particular dish at the table which is a favorite of yours, you should not comment on the fact, nor should you ask to have it passed to you a second time. At a dinner or at a luncheon the idea is that you are in the hands of your hostess, and your cue is to follow her lead, on no account asserting yourself or taking the initiative in any way. 

When things are arranged in courses, there is no question of a second serving, but when the meal is less formal it is customary to have everything passed twice except the soup, and it is quite proper for you to take things a second time they are offered, if you desire to do so. When you are hostess, never stop eating until every one of your guests has finished, for etiquette requires you to save your guest the embarrassment of making herself conspicuous by being the last. And when you arc the guest, do not thoughtlessly dally with your food in a dilatory fashion, for this is not only bad form, but selfish, as you cause not only your hostess, but the others to wait for you.— San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber , is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Regrets and Rudeness

“You can only imagine what a shock and damper hilarity would receive at a dinner table arranged for 30 or more, with only four or five present.” 

Dinners and Dinner Etiquette

A certain keen observer of social fads and whims has been lamenting the winter fashion of not sending regrets to an invitation, until the day of the event or the day before. She relates an actual incident which occurred not long ago, when a hostess sent out 25 dinner invitations, and receiving no replies, ordered plates to be served for that number with the necessary preparations. Not until that very day did she receive replies, and, as our critic observed, “You can only imagine what a shock and damper hilarity would receive at a dinner table arranged for 30 or more, with only four or five present.” 

Another common breach of etiquette which one entertaining much deplores is the easy familiarity with which many try to squeeze in a friend or relative. It is an actual fact that one who had set the utmost limit to the number she could accommodate at an afternoon affair was completely nonplused to find that many of the replies proposed bringing a friend, with the apology, “I know you won't mind.” This would not matter at a large reception, but at many other social affairs, even one extra is a serious disadvantage.—London Standard, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal vs Papal Etiquette

The Duke and Duchess of Connaught with Princess Patricia and Prince Arthur.

Papal Prince Did Not Meet Duke

Cardinal Farley Had His Own Opinion as to Questions of Etiquette

Special Dispatch to The Call

New York, Jan. 26.—The Duke of Connaught left New York tonight without having met Cardinal Farley, one of the new princes of the Catholic church. The Cardinal was invited to two of the festivities given in the Duke’s honor on his five days’ visit, but declined the invitations. A third invitation was not extended to him when inquiries established the fact that he would not accept.

Questions of etiquette were made the basis of the declinations on the Cardinal’s behalf. The question of etiquette was involved in the custom of submitting to Royalty, the names of all prospective guests.

As an American citizen and as a spiritual prince, it was thought that Cardinal Farley's presence should not be made subject to the approval or disapproval of an English temporal prince. – San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia