Early 20th C. Children’s Party Etiquette

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. 

HERE is a code of manners which every American child should learn. The accent is on the “American,” because on the Continent children are rarely seen until they have a certain poise, and know how to conduct themselves in due and proper manner. They are not at the table until six or eight years of age, if there are guests present, and then usually for dessert only.

In this country, when they are scarcely able to walk, children begin their social career by having parties and all sorts of festivities.

American children have rather an unsavory reputation in Europe, for which they are not to blame; it is the place of the parents to see that a child knows how to acknowledge an introduction by saying, “How do you do, Mrs. French,” or to reply, “Very well, thank you.” A child should not interrupt when older people are engaged in conversation; and when spoken to should say, “Yes, mother,” or, “No, Mrs. Gray.”

Having learned these first steps in the nursery, a child will be fitted to mingle with children and be a polite little host or hostess. Children have the same responsibility as their elders when it comes to entertaining. They must see that their guests play the games they like best, and they must give up treasured belongings for the amusement of others. Realizing that the choice of everything belongs to the visitor is a lesson hard to be learned by many petted “only children.”

To give parties often is indeed a splendid method of teaching self-control. Not elaborate evening functions, but afternoon parties with simple refreshments, where the young host or hostess works out his or her own problems, with a guiding hand to aid when necessary. It is a lesson, in more ways than one, to permit the young aspirant for social honors to plan the affair with all the individuality at command. Of course this is by far the hardest way for mothers; it is much easier to say, “Now, don't bother, mother will attend to everything”; but, what responsibility it gives a child to write the note of invitation, and plan the refreshments and favors!

This is of course for the little neighborhood affairs which should be a part of every child's life. For the elaborate birth-day party, or dance, the following models may be of service:

Miss Mary and Master Robert Kellar will be happy to see Miss Gretchen Murdoe on Tuesday evening from seven to nine at Flossmore, Park Hill Terrace

Dancing

Miss Josephine Greene requests the pleasure of Master Harold Lock's company at her birthday party on the afternoon of June the tenth, from three to six o'clock

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. — Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1909

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Table Manners from Dame Curtsy

What have we here? A plate specially designed for eating asparagus, along with individual asparagus tongs. It is said that no other vegetable had as many utensils made for eating it or serving it as asparagus did. Cale assiettes eventually fell out of fashion in France when special plates for separating the tender green stalks from the accompanying sauce were created. – Dame Curtsy is one of them few etiquette writers who does not recommend the use of one’s fingers or asparagus tongs to eat asparagus: “Asparagus should not be eaten with the fingers; cut off all the tender portion with a fork.”

When a meal is finished in a café or hotel, the napkin is never folded but laid as it was used on the table beside the plate. The same rule applies when at a repast in the home of a friend, if it is for one occasion only. If one is a guest in the house, a clean napkin should not be expected at every meal in the average household, so it may be carefully folded and laid beside the plate. It is the rule in most families to have a fresh napkin at dinner, which is the most ceremonious meal of the day, and partaken of with the most leisure. In the same category, let it here be chronicled that toothpicks are never passed at the table, and never used in public. One might just as well take out false teeth and cleanse them, or manicure one's fingers; yet these questions are asked so often that an emphatic denial seems necessary here.

“How shall the knife and fork be held?” The knife is invariably held in the right hand, and its exclusive use is cut ting, never to convey food to the mouth. The fork is used with the right hand in eating, but of course held in the left hand when cutting with the knife. Careless training is in evidence when a person mashes food with a fork, or jams a fork full with all sorts of food picked up at random from the plate.

A knife and fork should never be held in the hands when the plate is being replenished. They must be laid side by side, their entire length on the plate, and, when one has finished, they are placed on the plate, knife blade in, and fork tines up.

Nearly every article of food is eaten with a fork: meats, fish, and vegetables.

All “made” dishes, salads, ices, and creams, are provided with special spoon-shaped forks, but if a hostess does not possess them, she need not hesitate to use spoons. They say it is a test of good manners to watch how a person eats lettuce, cress, or chicory, which should never be cut with a knife. The leaves are folded up neatly with the fork, and so conveyed to the mouth.

An unfailing rule must be remembered by those who wish to have at least the semblance of good table manners, and that is, never permit a spoon to remain in the tea, coffee, or bouillon cup while drinking from it, or after the beverage has been stirred once or twice. The spoon must rest in the saucer. 

The last mouthful in a bouillon cup may be drank with perfect propriety. It is a relic of nursery days to blow a spoonful of soup to cool it. Those who are very correct say that an out ward motion should be used in taking soup, and it must always be eaten from the side of the spoon. This also applies to tast ing tea, coffee, or chocolate.

Grape fruit, oranges when cut in halves and put on a plate, hot and cold puddings, custards, gelatins, and soft-boiled eggs, are all eaten with spoons.

To eat slowly and deliberately is not only an evidence of good manners, but shows a knowledge of hygiene. Only the unlettered bolt their food, scrape the dish for the last mouthful, and make a noise when eating. Children must be taught early to eat quietly, for habits formed in younger days stand by one often until the end of life. 

Apparently well-bred persons often seem unaware of the careless ways they have in eating. An attempt has been made to explain this by saying that the average man eats breakfast alone in order to catch an early train, eats a hurried luncheon generally alone, or with another man who is equally hurried and careless, and so habits are formed, hard to shake off in the bosom of one's family, where all should be as perfect as possible for the sake of one's own self-respect.

This last preachment makes me think of a charming woman who lost her husband, her money, and home, and was forced to support herself and two growing lads by working all day. They lived in small quarters, and the meals had to be served in the kitchen. So afraid was this little mother, used to all that wealth and position could give her, that her boys would grow up unaccustomed to the amenities of life, that she never omitted the finger bowls, and served the meals just as daintily as she knew how, no matter how tired she was.

Finger bowls are always necessary with a fruit course; the bowl is half-filled with water and placed upon a doily-covered plate. Unless a second plate is provided, the doily is removed with the bowl and placed to one side, and the fruit put on the plate. The fingers are dipped daintily one hand at a time in the bowl and wiped on the napkin. Finger bowls for some years were not in evidence with desserts, but are again in favor. A plate with a bowl resting on a doily is placed before each person and often these plates are of glass to match the bowls. Salt should never be taken from the salt dish with the blade of a knife and put on the table cloth, but on the side of the plate.

The worst of all errors is to spit out a prune, cherry, or peach pit onto the plate; but it has been done, or this awful warning would not have to be chronicled. A delightful old gentleman said the reason he never married was that he watched the young woman to whom he had made up his mind to propose, eat a peach, and she spit the pit out. That finished his ambitions in that direction, and he said he didn't care to have any more illusions vanquished in this man ner, so gave up all hopes of the fair sex for fear he should again be disappointed. This may be rather far-fetched, but the moral is there nevertheless, for all who will apply it.

The youthful candidate for good manners should be taught never to hold a morsel of food on the fork while conversing, but once having it there, to eat it and not dilly-dally. Also never try to get the last mouthful of anything if it proves illu sive; you 'll not starve and there is probably enough for a second helping. As pushers, when children have outgrown the implements of silver provided for this purpose, bits of bread may be used, the fingers, NEVER, spelled in capital letters.

A morsel that proves too hot, or spoiled, may be quietly removed with the napkin and consigned to the side of the plate without comment.

This reminds me of the young man from the far West who had to go to New York on business, and while there was enter tained by a millionaire mine owner who liked the chap for his sterling qualities. He tasted olives for the first time, his face colored as he removed the strange thing from his mouth to his plate, with a motion of momentary disgust. His host noticed but said nothing, and the rest of the dinner was finished without any further discomfort to the stranger guest who was clever enough to watch and see what the others did with the array of forks and knives, but in the privacy of his host's den after dinner the chap said with the utmost earnestness: “That was a bully spread, Mr. B–, but did you know those plums were spoiled?”

Bread and butter plates are universally used at luncheons, breakfasts, and suppers, also at informal family dinners, with a small silver butter spreader. On this plate all breads, muf fins, and rolls must be laid. At a formal dinner the roll in the napkin is taken out and laid on the cloth, at the right of the plate.

Bread is never bitten off in mouthfuls from a large piece, but broken off in small pieces, which are buttered and eaten. Crackers are eaten from the fingers, also celery, olives, radishes, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, bon-bons, corn on the cob, and most raw fruits. Peaches are quartered, then peeled, and cut into bits, which are eaten from the fingers as are apples and pears. Cherries, small plums, and California grapes are taken up one by one and eaten, the seeds or pits are removed from the mouth with the fingers and placed on the plate in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. Cheese may be cut in small pieces, placed on morsels of bread or crackers, and lifted with the fingers to the mouth.

It is most inelegant to take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers. Cut the meat as cleanly as possible from the bone and forgo the pleasure of the rest.

Asparagus should not be eaten with the fingers; cut off all the tender portion with a fork.

At formal dinners, or luncheon, a guest is never asked to have a second portion and should never ask for it, but all is different at a dinner “en famille”; the hostess considers a second helping complimentary. When a host carves, he may request a guest to have his plate replenished. A second, even a third glass of water may be asked for, even at an elaborate spread, but of course, always of the servant. 

At a simple family dinner, where the hostess may have no maid or one only, a guest may be asked to serve or pass certain dishes, which makes him feel at ease and at home. Never, when a meal is finished, push back the last plate used and brush the crumbs up into little heaps but leave everything exactly in place with the napkin beside the plate; if called unexpectedly from the table or a sudden illness seizes one, the request “Please excuse me,” must always be made of the hostess.—From Ellye Howell Glover’s Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Ball-Room Customs

Sometimes it is more convenient to entertain in a public hall, instead of at home, especially where there is no room for dancing in the house, and there are a large number to be entertained. In that case the invitations are issued as shown above.

A DANCING party assumes the proportions of a ball when several hundred invitations are issued, and the affair takes place in the ball-room of a club or hotel. Few private homes are equipped with sufficient space to give a large ball with comfort. Subscription dances always take place in a public ball-room, the invitations bearing the names of the patronesses.

At private dancing parties the word ‘ball’ is not used, but “Cotillon,” or “Dancing after ten,” or just simply the word “Dancing,” at the bottom of a reception card, indicates the nature of the entertainment.

An awning is usually spread from the house to the street, with a canvas or carpet to protect dainty gowns and slippers, especially if the weather is inclement.

A polished hardwood floor is fine for dancing, with paraffin, wax, or even a slight sprinkling of corn meal to make it delight fully smooth. This will be a welcome hint to those who are fond of after-dinner drawing-room dancing, with an accommodating member of the family at the piano and even father participating in the pretty figures which young people love.

There should be a row of small chairs around a ball-room for chaperons and dancers. Camp chairs are best, as they may be easily moved. Decorations of flowers and palms add to the effect, but ostentatious trimming of the room is not necessary.

At a full-fledged ball, a stringed orchestra furnishes the music; at dancing parties of an informal nature, two or three pieces are sufficient. There must be dance programmes furnished. They are placed in the dressing-rooms or handed to the guests by a servant as they enter the ball-room. At small parties programmes are not necessary; there should then be a master of ceremonies, who will attend to the music.

When the guests number more than a hundred, there should be checks in the dressing-rooms, and for the carriages, these details being in charge of a servant. At such affairs, a buffet supper is served and no attempt made to seat all the guests at once. There must be a punch or frappé bowl in charge of a servant who must keep a large supply of clean glasses constantly on hand. A caterer is usually employed for these large functions, and he supplies everything, from extra servants to smallest items, such as spoons, napkins, etc.

A mother is assisted in receiving by her daughters, and by as many others as she wishes to honor. Her husband assists also, and carefully watches to see that every one dances; that the chaperons receive attention; in fact, he must be a general utility man.

A young man, at a ball, must put aside all his personal preferences and dance with any strangers in the community who may not know many people. For the time being he must consider himself the obedient servant of his hostess, and assist her in every possible way. This is put thus strongly because often our dancing men absorb the attention of one or two especially popular girls to the exclusion of other maids who are not so attractive, or perhaps not such good dancers. A hostess feels dreadfully if there are “wall-flowers,” and every man should see to it that there are none.

Introductions are essential at a ball, and the daughters of the house are equally responsible with their mother in seeing that presentations are made.

For the “German,” or as it is more generally called, the “Cotillon,” there should be an equal number of men and women. It is the hostess who chooses the man to lead, and she asks him if he wishes a partner to assist or if he wishes to lead alone. His decision must be unquestioned.

She consults him as to the favors, and he selects all the figures to suit himself. Any friend who does not dance may be asked to preside at the favor table, and the hostess may do so if she is not dancing, or one of the chaperons may thus assist.

A son of the hostess must see that all guests are provided with partners, and assumes an equal responsibility with his mother and father. It is poor taste for men to congregate in the cloak rooms and smoke during more than one dance. They were invited to make themselves generally agreeable, and a man who wishes to lounge and smoke should not accept the invitation. In entering a ball-room, a woman precedes a man whether husband, father, or brother; an elderly woman precedes the younger in making her greeting to the hostess.

If a young woman is not asked immediately to dance, she remains seated by her chaperon. Unless her programme is entirely full, a dance with the son of the hostess may not be refused, nor may she refuse a dance with one man and immediately after give it to some one else. She must sit out that dance.

A woman may not be excused from a promised engagement unless too ill to dance. If she refuses, that finishes her dancing for the evening. The young man she refuses may look for another partner, after seeing that she is made comfortable by returning her to her chaperon.

Unless engaged to a man, a girl should not make herself conspicuous by dancing with the same person too often, nor is it proper to disappear into secluded corners and sit out dances with a man.

The writer is often asked by young girls just entering society what to say when asked to dance. A woman merely hands the man her programme, and says “I am not engaged for that dance, and will give it to you with pleasure.” there are no programmes, she says “You may have the dance (or that number); I'll be very glad to dance it with you.” There really can be no set phrases, for what would sound natural from one person would sound affected from another, and the main thing is to be just one's natural self.

When the dance is over a man may say “Thank you,” and the girl respond with, “It certainly was delightful, the music is excellent,” or words to that effect. A man, if late to keep his dance engagement, should be profuse in his apologies.

A man must always give the first dance to the woman he escorts, or if he is unattached, his first duties are to the daughters of the hostess or guests in the house; after that he may seek his own pleasure, keeping a watchful eye open to see when he may assist his hostess. It is a woman's privilege to make the move to go home, and adieus need not be said unless occasion offers when the hostess is disengaged.

If a man is suddenly called away from a ball it is his duty to personally explain his absence to everyone with whom he may have a dance engaged, and if possible provide partners for them; this may be difficult, and he may be pardoned if not successful.

A man may send flowers to the young lady whom he is to escort to a ball, but it is not obligatory. If he is engaged, it is a thoughtful attention to send his fiancée a bunch of violets, for there is no girl who does not love and appreciate them. —From Ellye Howell Glover’s Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia