Etiquette: Two Rings Are Too Much

“The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that…” — You may be on cloud nine over your boyfriend popping the question, but if you’re still married to another, you cannot wear your newest engagement ring. One engagement or wedding ring at a time is the proper etiquette, even if you are no longer wearing the ring from your soon-to-be ex-husband. Wearing another ring before the ink is dry on your divorce decree is just plain “tacky” and not proper.

PARENTS OPPOSE RING

Dear Mrs. Palmer, I married at 17 and after three and a half years of trying to make the best of a bad situation have obtained an interlocutory divorce decree. Now I have met the man I feel I should have married in the first place and he has said he would like to give me an engagement ring on my birthday this month. My parents are quite happy about my choice of a husband but said they thought it would be quite improper for me to wear his engagement ring while I am still legally married to my first husband.

My divorce has hurt them a great deal, since there has never been a divorce in our family before. I don't want to make them any more unhappy, but I want to do what is best in order to build a good life for myself. My boy friend said he will abide by my decision. We know our love is real and the life we plan together will last whether I wear his ring or not.

Would you advise me on the desirability of wearing the ring, whether it is socially acceptable or not, if my parents object to it? And is there a book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage? I know I cannot wear a white gown, but there are other questions that come to mind occasionally. — Mrs. A., Los Angeles.

Dear Mrs. A., I agree with your parents about the ring. The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that, for divorce is the death of something born with high hopes and solemn intentions and promises. A good life in the future is never insured by taking the errors and failures of the past lightly.

Whether you agree with your parents’ and my reasoning or not, there is a simple matter of values. Postponing your acceptance of a diamond until your divorce is final shouldn’t cause you any pain. You'll have all the rest of your life to wear it. What justification could there be for offending your parents with something that is of so little real importance to you? Giving a little here and there out of consideration for others is a good habit to get into if you want this marriage to be more successful than the last.

I don't know of any book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage. I don't think the subject is big enough to warrant an entire volume dedicated to it. All the questions of form are handled in books on etiquette in general. The important rule of good taste is restraint.— From “Most Sincerely, Jane Palmer,”Los Angeles Mirror, 1952

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Patriotic Rings, 1918

Until recently diamonds —either a solitaire, a cluster or circlet— set in platinum were most in vogue, but the recent plea on the part of the government for the conservation of platinum has put this type of engagement ring out of the list of things patriotic. 

What Readers Ask 

“Will you please tell me what is the most approved style of engagement ring at the present time? Is it usual to have the ring bought ready to present at the time of proposing marriage or is it usually purchased afterward?”

A man would have to be a mind reader or pretty sure of his own powers of persuasion to be sure before asking the young woman of his choice that he was going to be successful in his suit. Most young women wouldn’t like to be so taken for granted, and besides it is usual to consult the one who must wear the ring as to her taste in settings and stones. Until recently diamonds —either a solitaire, a cluster or circlet— set in platinum were most in vogue, but the recent plea on the part of the government for the conservation of platinum has put this type of engagement ring out of the list of things patriotic. Diamonds are still the usual stones, but they should be set in gold. —Mary Marshall Duffee, 1918

 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1914 Engagement Etiquette

Friends of a bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride’s family send their wedding presents to him, and he forwards them to the bride’s mother, so that they may be on view with the other presents on the wedding day.

An engaged girl should write to her personal friends to tell them the news, while her mother writes to older relatives and friends.

Letters of congratulation in answer to these should be written as soon as possible. Young girls do not write to their men friends to congratulate them on an engagement. They either congratulate them personally or not at all.

It is considered extremely bad form for engaged couples to be too demonstrative in public. They should try to be as natural and unaffected as possible, so as to avoid causing embarrassment to others.

The engagement ring should always be worn once it has been placed in position. It is useful as a friendly warning to any unwary and over susceptible admirers.

Those who invite engaged couples to their houses should make a point of sending them down to dinner together and of doing all in their power to show that they recognize and approve of the engagement.

A girl may dance practically as often as she pleases with her fiance, although, of course, she will do well not to forget entirely all her old friends in this respect.

It is the girl’s privilege to ask any friends she likes to act as her bride’s maids, but it is an understood thing that some relative of the bridegroom shall be among the number.

Friends of a bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride’s family send their wedding presents to him, and he forwards them to the bride’s mother, so that they may be on view with the other presents on the wedding day.— Trinity Journal, 1914

💍Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia