An Etiquette New Year’s Resolution

“All too often written thank you notes are overlooked when they should be second nature to us. Busy schedules and "relaxed" standards are usually blamed. Unfortunately, lack of knowledge and undeveloped social skills to make people feel appreciated is the real culprit. Life for many of us has become so hectic we feel we can cut back on certain things and still acquire or retain the quality of life we want to have. However, a handwritten or even typed (if for professional purposes) note or letter will help retain bonds of friendship, professional ties necessary for profitable businesses, and a reputation for not taking others for granted that can undoubtedly improve the quality of anyone's life.” –Etiquipedia Site Editor and Director of the RSVP Institute, Maura J. Graber, 1991

Resolved: Write Notes of Thanks 

Before the year gets a day older, Christmas thank-you notes ought to be written. But cheer up, the experts say they may be brief.

Take up the quill, they admonish, and try to recapture that pleasurable moment when the tissue paper fell aside to reveal the marble cigarette box, the toaster or the cashmere sweater.

The greatest pleasure of Christmas, to most of us, is viewing someone'’s delight over the gift we have selected. This is the spirit that should govern the thank-you’s to those who could not be there.

The stationery selected for the occasion may be your usual correspondence paper, personals or a card in the form of a personal with “Thank You” *(or other suitable sayings) on the front flap with space inside for a message. Etiquette experts decry the use of a printed card requiring only a signature.

A quick look at the stock available in the shops shows that the strict “thank-you” notes come in many varieties. Colorful lettering, interesting script styles and handsome striped: backgrounds are included.– From The New York Times, 1957

✍️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Changes to Dining Forks

The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

Until 1922, proper etiquette demanded that specialized forks be used for eating ice cream. Not everyone was happy with this fad. As Florence Howe Hall, the the granddaughter of Julia Ward Howe, complained in 1887:

The fork has now become the favorite and fashionable utensil for conveying food to the mouth. First it crowded out the knife, and now in its pride it has invaded the domain of the once powerful spoon. The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

The more diners resorted to the fork, the more they noticed its limitations. A two-tined fork may be useful for spearing, but it is not a good tool for eating delicate foods like flaky fish or pastry. To meet this need and other presumed ones, flatware manufacturers stepped into the breach, paying greater attention to the shape of the utensils as they related to food. Although multi-tined forks had periodically been manufactured for centuries, dinner forks were now regularly made with several tines (usually three or four, but on occasion up to five or six) rather than with two long, widely spaced straight ones. 

In this way, the diner could spear food without having to twist the fork and risk damaging a delicate morsel or, worse yet, having the food fall off the tines or slip through the space between them. The additional tines, now molded in a slightly curved fashion, helped to scoop up food like a spoon, and the curve allowed for a clearer view of the food being cut. Fish forks were designed with four tines, of which the outer two curved slightly for ease in picking up flaked pieces of fish. A special pastry fork, or “cutting fork,” was patented in 1869 by Reed & Barton, with one thick outer tine sharp enough to cut the pastry. Its remaining tines functioned like those on a regular fork to bring the food to the mouth. — From “Feeding Desire,” 2006

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Manners Q. & A. on “Thank You”

There are those that we need to thank in business. Those people we are obligated to thank, if we want to start or continue a good business relationship. 

A Reader’s Query on the Importance of “Thanks” 

Question from Anonymous: My wife is angry with me because I asked complete strangers to contact with me any helpful information they could give me, in an unnamed situation that happened in the past. This was over social media. Several people responded. It’s been 3 weeks, and I appreciate it all the information that was sent to me, but my wife is angry with me because I never responded with a thank you to these people who sent information. But I have been busy with other things. Am I in the wrong or she is wrong? I’m planning on thanking these people soon. She knows I’m always prompt in thanking people in business situations.

Answer: There are those that we need to thank in business. Those people we are obligated to thank, if we want to start or continue a good business relationship.

Then there are personal notes of thanks that are needed for complete strangers who have gone out of their way to help you. There is nothing in their job description that requires them to help you. Because you are a complete stranger, they are helping you out of the kindness of their hearts.

A note of thanks is needed in both cases. In both cases it is good manners to say, "thank you." But for the people who have gone out of their way, out of the goodness of their hearts, deserve extra prompt notes of thanks from you. They were under no obligation to be kind to you. — Site Editor Maura J. Graber

 
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia