Elements of a Winning Personality

“Tact in dealing with persons and situations and open mindedness are other cardinal virtues to insure an agreeable personality.”  — Professor I. S. Westerberg was in demand throughout the county as a speaker on problems of educational interest, and was the President of the Education Professors of the Colleges and Universities of Southern California.

 “Sarcasm may win us laughter, but not friends,” he stated. “Tact in dealing with persons and situations and open mindedness are other cardinal virtues to insure an agreeable personality.” Another important element is a sense of proportion, including a sense of humor, accessibility though not “gushiness,” confidence and self-reliance, attractiveness of manners, freedom from idiosyncrasies, which interfere with effectiveness, idealisms and ‘genuiness,’ “that translucency of character that attracts people and makes them trust implicitly.” The necessity of vitality was emphasized, Professor Westerberg quoting the late Charles Frohman who said that an artist’s life depended on vitality. Vitality means supreme ability and vibrant energy, although not necessarily beauty. — San Bernardino Sun, 1932

Etiquette Enthusiasts, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Manners, Character and Young Girls

That certain feeling you get when a relative asks if that hot mess of a girl can move in with you. – “First, send your girl to visit briefly some good mother, whose children are now matured and perhaps gone from the home place. I know of one instance of an older mother of this class, who welcomes afternoon calls from young girls and who enjoys with them a delightful, chummny mother-and-daughter relation.”

Uplifting the Girl – She Needs the Acquaintance of Some Good Woman of Character Whose Example Will Be Beneficial

Do not take it for granted that your growing girl will learn from casual observation all she ought to know about the character of good women. Frills and superficialities are not suited to give your daughter even a glimpse into the wealth of sterling qualities which lie beneath and which constitute the substantial part of the character of all the better class of womankind. So long as a girl keeps her eye fixed on the fads and frills of society she will be unhappy, since these light things give satisfaction only for the passing moment. 

It is the deep, rich qualities of an earnest, reverent human personality which are best suited to inspire the young truth seeker and make her strong and willing in the face of her own duties. However, do not assume that your growing girl will learn from casual acquaintance and observation all she needs to know about the character and manners of good women, but plan definitely to have her come into close relationship with a few of the best of these, as follows: 

First, send your girl to visit briefly some good mother, whose children are now matured and perhaps gone from the home place. I know of one instance of an older mother of this class, who welcomes afternoon calls from young girls and who enjoys with them a delightful, chummny mother-and-daughter relation. She always sends her girl caller away greatly cheered, but much sobered and reflective upon the deeper affairs of life. Here, motherliness, the greatest force in womankind, may be seen doing one of its best forms of service. Now ask your girl to try to discern what makes her matronly hostess so attractive and lovable. Is it the garments she wears—and these should of course be well suited to such a worthy personality—or isn’t her affectionate trustful and open-hearted manners? Ask your daughter to find out how this goodly soul thinks, how she behaves toward others in general,  and how she regards life at large. 

Second, have your girl come close to the best accessible type of domestic-minded woman, and here learn some of the further laws governing a helpful and successful personality. How does this woman manage so well to hold a supremacy over her multitudinous household affairs ? How does she economize time in cooking, sewing, mending and the like, so as to keep all those matters evenly balanced? Such work is slowly killing many other women. Why is it not injuring this one? What is the secret of her serenity in the midst of possible confusion? 

What I especially wish your bright young girl to realize is this; The vanities and foibles of women are of very little consequence indeed, as compared with that abundant record of unselfish and self-sacrificing performances which so much more fittingly characterize the quieter hours of the ordinary good women of today. Bring these better things sharply to the attention of your daughter, give them a large place in her mind and heart, and she in turn win pass them on in service of the light-minded young girls who may look to her for a pattern in the years to come. – Dr. Wm. A. McKeever, Los Angeles Herald, 1919

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Less Prosperity = More Manners

The Depression and Post-Depression generation of students reach a much higher level of character development than their predecessors in the colleges during a more prosperous era.

Survey Shows Higher Morals Prevalent

College students today are far more moral than those of former eras, according to Myron C. Cole, Assistant Dean of Men at Chapman College, who has been conducting a survey upon the manners and morals of the students found in his college. The Depression and Post-Depression generation of students reach a much higher level of character development than their predecessors in the colleges during a more prosperous era, according to Mr. Cole.— The Corsair, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette, Manners and Character

A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted.

Manners Are an Index of Character

A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person. The manner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer to judge him, for the reason that the former are involuntary. 

The manner in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness with which the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted. — Our Deportment, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Lady

Be a lady... Not necessarily this one above. Television's Lady Mary is lovely and self-assured, but she can be truly thoughtless and self absorbed. Especially while playing cat and mouse games with men. Besides, she's wearing gloves while she's drinking champagne. Demonstrating poor etiquette and a true faux pas!

Be a Lady

Good breeding is good sense.

Bashfulness is constitutional.

Awkwardness maybe ineradicable.

No art can restore the grape its bloom.

Bad manners in a woman are immorality.

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady.

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford.

Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found.

Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances.

Familiarity, without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling.

Who was Gail Hamilton?

Gail Hamilton, 1833-1896, was an essayist, journalist, and fiction writer. She was born Mary Abby Dodge in Hamilton, Massachusetts, and lived as a school teacher and governess in New England and Washington, D.C. 

In the late 1850s, she began publishing for the anti-slavery paper, the National Era, under the pen name, Gail Hamilton. She went on publish books on women’s rights, politics, religion, and children’s subjects. 

In 1867, she sued her publisher, Ticknor and Fields, for deliberately underpaying her in relation to the industry norm. Although she was unsuccessful, she "made a significant contribution to the history of the professional (women) writers, and she exposed the Gentleman Publisher’s market for what it really was: a relationship based on power, even when conducted as a friendship" –(Coultrap-McQuin).

                                       

From The Los Angeles Herald, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Girls Gone Wild

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable.

Wild Girls

by Gail Hamilton 

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford. Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found, No art can restore to the grape its bloom. 

Familiarity without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling. It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable. 

Bashfulness is constitutional. Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances. All can be condoned and not banish men or women from the amenities of their kind.

But self-possessed, unshrinking and aggressive coarseness of demeanor may be reckoned as a state's prison offense, and certainly merits that mild form of restraint called imprisonment for life. 

It is a shame for women to be lectured on their manners. It is a bitter shame that they need it. Do not be restrained. Do not have impulses that need restraint. Do not wish to dance with the Prince unsought; feel differently, be sure you confer honor. 

Carry yourself so loftily that men will look up to you for reward, not at you in rebuke. The natural sentiment of man toward woman is reverence. He loses a large means of grace when he is obliged to account her as a being to be trained in propriety. 

A man's ideal is not wounded when a woman fails in worldly wisdom; but if in grace, in tact, in sentiment, in delicacy, in kindness, she would be found wanting, he receives an inward hurt. –Los Angeles Herald, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Culture and Character

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be." William Hazlitt

There are people that we do not like, though we may have known them long, and have no fault to find with them, 'their appearance, as we say, is so much against them.' That is not all, if we could find it out. There is, generally, a reason for this prejudice; for nature is true to itself. They may be very good sort of people too, in their way, but still something is the matter. There is a coldness, a selfishness, a levity, an insincerity, which we cannot fix upon any particular phrase or action, but we see it in their whole persons and deportment. 

One reason that we do not see it in any other way may be, that they are all the time trying to conceal this defect by every means in their power. There is, luckily, a sort of second sight in morals: we discern the lurking indications of temper and habit a long while before their palpable effects appear. I once used to meet with a person at an ordinary, a very civil, good-looking man in other respects, but with an odd look about his eyes, which I could not explain, as if he saw you under their fringed lids, and you could not see him again: this man was a common sharper. 

The greatest hypocrite I ever knew was a little, demure, pretty, modest-looking girl, with eyes timidly cast upon the ground, and an air soft as enchantment; the only circumstance that could lead to a suspicion of her true character was a cold, sullen, watery, glazed look about the eyes, which she bent on vacancy, as if determined to avoid all explanation with yours. I might have spied in their glittering, motionless surface the rocks and quicksands that awaited me below! We do not feel quite at ease in the company or friendship of those who have any natural obliquity or imperfection of person. The reason is, they are not on the best terms with themselves, and are sometimes apt to play off on others the tricks that nature has played them. 

This, however, is a remark that, perhaps, ought not to have been made. I know a person to whom it has been objected as a disqualification for friendship, that he never shakes you cordially by the hand. I own this is a damper to sanguine and florid temperaments, who abound in these practical demonstrations and 'compliments extern.' The same person who testifies the least pleasure at meeting you, is the last to quit his seat in your company, grapples with a subject in conversation right earnestly, and is, I take it, backward to give up a cause or a friend. Cold and distant in appearance, he piques himself on being the king of good haters, and a no less zealous partisan. The most phlegmatic constitutions often contain the most inflammable spirits—a fire is struck from the hardest flints. 

And this is another reason that makes it difficult to judge of character. Extremes meet; and qualities display themselves by the most contradictory appearances. Any inclination, in consequence of being generally suppressed, vents itself the more violently when an opportunity presents itself: the greatest grossness sometimes accompanies the greatest refinement, as a natural relief, one to the other; and we find the most reserved and indifferent tempers at the beginning of an entertainment, or an acquaintance, turn out the most communicative and cordial at the end of it. Some spirits exhaust themselves at first: others gain strength by progression. Some minds have a greater facility of throwing off impressions—are, as it were, more transparent or porous than others. Thus the French present a marked contrast to the English in this respect.  

A Frenchman addresses you at once with a sort of lively indifference: an Englishman is more on his guard, feels his way, and is either exceedingly reserved, or lets you into his whole confidence, which he cannot so well impart to an entire stranger. Again, a Frenchman is naturally humane: an Englishman is, I should say, only friendly by habit. His virtues and his vices cost him more than they do his more gay and volatile neighbours. An Englishman is said to speak his mind more plainly than others,—yes, if it will give you pain to hear it. He does not care whom he offends by his discourse: a foreigner generally strives to oblige in what he says. 

The French are accused of promising more than they perform. That may be, and yet they may perform as many good-natured acts as the English, if the latter are as averse to perform as they are to promise. Even the professions of the French may be sincere at the time, or arise out of the impulse of the moment; though their desire to serve you may be neither very violent nor very lasting. I cannot think, not withstanding, that the French are not a serious people; nay, that they are not a more reflecting people than the common run of the English. Let those who think them merely light and mercurial explain that enigma, their everlasting prosing tragedy. 

The English are considered as comparatively a slow, plodding people. If the French are quicker, they are also more plodding. See, for example, how highly finished and elaborate their works of art are! How systematic and correct they aim at being in all their productions of a graver cast! 'If the French have a fault,' as Yorick said, 'it is that they are too grave.' With wit, sense, cheerfulness, patience, good-nature, and refinement of manners, all they want is imagination and sturdiness of moral principle! Such are some of the contradictions in the character of the two nations, and so little does the character of either appear to have been understood!  

Nothing can be more ridiculous indeed than the way in which we exaggerate each other's vices and extenuate our own. The whole is an affair of prejudice on one side of the question, and of partiality on the other. Travellers who set out to carry back a true report of the case appear to lose not only the use of their understandings, but of their senses, the instant they set foot in a foreign land. The commonest facts and appearances are distorted and discoloured. They go abroad with certain preconceived notions on the subject, and they make everything answer, in reason's spite, to their favourite theory. 

In addition to the difficulty of explaining customs and manners foreign to our own, there are all the obstacles of wilful prepossession thrown in the way. It is not, therefore, much to be wondered at that nations have arrived at so little knowledge of one another's characters; and that, where the object has been to widen the breach between them, any slight differences that occur are easily blown into a blaze of fury by repeated misrepresentations, and all the exaggerations that malice or folly can invent! 

This ignorance of character is not confined to foreign nations: we are ignorant of that of our own countrymen in a class a little below or above ourselves. We shall hardly pretend to pronounce magisterially on the good or bad qualities of strangers; and, at the same time, we are ignorant of those of our friends, of our kindred, and of our own. We are in all these cases either too near or too far off the object to judge of it properly. 

From "Table-Talk" a Regency Era collection of essays by the English cultural critic and social commentator William Hazlitt. Originally published as two volumes, the first appeared in 1821

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia.  To inquire about contributing a post, please contact us at Etiquipedia@gmail.com