Etiquette of the Gilded Age Dinner Party

When the party is assembled, the mistress or master of the house will point out to each gentleman the lady whom he is to conduct to the table.

To be acquainted with every detail of the etiquette pertaining lo this subject is of the highest importance to every lady.

Ease, savoir-faire, and good-breeding are nowhere more indispensable than at the dinner-table, and the absence of them is nowhere more apparent. How lo eat soup and what to do with a cherry-stone are weighty considerations when taken as the index of social status; and it is not too much to say, tha a young woman who elected to take claret with her fish, or ate peas with her knife, would justly risk the punishment of being banished from good society.

An invitation to dinner should be replied to immediately and unequivocally accepted or declined. Once accepted, nothing but an event of the last importance should cause you lo fail in your engagement.

To be exactly punctual is the strictest politeness on these occasions. If you are too early, you are in the way ; if too late you spoil the dinner, annoy the hostess, and are hated by the rest of the guests. Some authorities are even of opinion thal in the question of a dinner-party " never" is better than " late" ; and one author has gone so far as to say, " if you do not reach the house till dinner is served, you had better retire, and send an apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkward excuses and cold acceptance.

When the party is assembled, the mistress or master of the house will point out to each gentleman the lady whom he is to conduct to the table. — From Collier’s Cyclopedia of Social and Commercial Information, 1882

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for the Nosy at Dinner

Unless you have knowledge of markings of different companies, it may not only be tacky and impolite to check the makers of china plates, cups, etc… when a guest at a table, but you could accidentally break something very valuable or see a never removed discount price sticker still on the dish. If you really are enamored with a certain patterned dish or cup, etc… as a guest, you could also give the host or hostess a compliment on the dish and say that you’d love to know more about it, or something similar. Your host or hostess may be very obliging.

 Don't Turn China Over

Dear Mrs. Tobin; 

Is it proper to turn over, say a cup or plate, when dining at a friend’s home? I was severely criticized when all I wanted to do was read the manufacturer’s mark. –Curious in San Diego

 

Dear Curious: 

I think it looks crass. It would be better to tell your hostess how lovely her china is and let her fill you in on the details. If it's a pretty pattern and beautiful workmanship it really doesn’t make any difference whether it’s from a pottery in Japan, France, England or the catalog from a discount house in the United States. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1977

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pretentiousness

 

“We have always given beautiful parties in the past. Our menus included fillet of beef. asparagus, flambé desserts and fine wines.” –What have we here? A plate specially designed for eating asparagus, along with individual asparagus tongs. It is said that no other vegetable had as many utensils made for eating it or serving it as asparagus did. – Image source, Etiquipedia private library

Retrench with Grace

Dear Mrs. Tobin:

We are four wives whose husbands are corporate executives and we are feeling the pinch of inflation. We have always given beautiful parties in the past. Our menus included fillet of beef. asparagus, flambé desserts and fine wines. You know, the whole bit. Two of us think we should cut back and have less expensive parties. The other two women feel this might, in some way reflect on our husbands What is your opinion? – Four in Florida

Dear Four:

I agree with the other two women. It would, indeed, reflect on your husbands. It would show their guests you were able to serve a tasty dish of stew and rice with gracious aplomb. It would also tell your guests you stand by your husband and are willing and able to retrench when necessary And who ever said the best parties were built around a rack of lamb, asparagus tips and vintage wine? To go into debt to try and impress one's guests is not only foolish but short- sighted.– By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Question of Royal Etiquette

                       

According to Town & Country Magazine, “For years, there has been a curious rumor circulating around the British media that President Jimmy Carter once kissed Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother. But did it really happen? Well, it depends on who you ask. The alleged kiss is believed to have taken place during a May 1977 dinner at Buckingham Palace, where the 39th U.S. president had the pleasure of meeting the royal family and several NATO leaders. When Carter went to say goodbye to Queen Elizabeth II's mother at the end of the night, it was reported he broke protocol and gave the matriarch a peck on the cheek. (It is customary that a royal is greeted with a bow, curtsy, or handshake.) But at the time, the British tabloids had heard the Queen Mother say he actually kissed her lips.” – Town & Country

 

Dear Mrs. Tobin:
Please settle an argument on two points of British royalty. What is the difference, if any, between the heir apparent and the heir presumptive. Also what’s the distinction between the queen mother and the dowager queen? – Just a Mr. and Mrs.

 

Dear Mr. and Mrs.:
According to the American College Dictionary, an heir apparent is one whose right is indefeasible, provided he survives the ancestor. Prince Charles is the heir apparent to the British throne. An heir presumptive is one whose expectation may be defeated by the birth of a nearer heir.

A queen dowager is the widow of a King. A queen mother is a queen dowager who is also the mother of a reining sovereign. Please note that the words queen dowager and queen mother are spelled with small letters. In speaking of THE Queen Mother, the term becomes a pronoun and so is capitalized. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Exchanging Pleasantries

“… most people, are basically shy and need a crutch to help them over their reluctance to tall…” – Elizabeth Post (above) was asked about exchanging common pleasantries.

From, “Ask Them Yourself”

A Question for Elizabeth L. Post, author of “The New Emily Posts Etiquette” – Isn't it time we stopped saying, “How do you do?” When we are introduced? It means nothing ; no reply is expected. What would be a good substitute? – Mrs. Alfred C. Herz, New London, N.H.

Answer – Not all, but most people, are basically shy and need a crutch to help them over their reluctance to talk to strangers. We use many phrases as crutches; “How are you?” “Glad to meet you,” etc... “How do you do?” really means, “How are you doing?” You're right. No answer is required. But these automatic responses make it easier to break the ice than thinking up apt remarks for each new situation. Without, “How do you do?” many conversations would never get off the ground at all. – Hanford Sentinel, 1976

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Charity and Low-Neck Gowns

On one occasion the Queen was told that some ladies did not care to be presented at Court on account of the great expense incurred on this occasion. This was a revelation to the Queen, and a thought struck her. — 
Public domain image of the Queen of Sweden in 1889, Louise Alexandra Marie Irene Mountbatten (born Princess Louise of Battenberg

As she is a German Princess, the Queen of Sweden, of course, attaches great importance to etiquette. At the same time her deep desire to relieve poverty of every kind prompts her to favor what Carter calls "the simplification of life." 

Sometimes the conflict between these two interests leads to funny incidents. For example, on one occasion the Queen was told that some ladies did not care to be presented at Court on account of the great expense incurred on this occasion. This was a revelation to the Queen, and a thought struck her.

"Well," she exclaimed, "at my next drawing room everybody must come in calico dresses." "And must be cut low in the neck?" one of the courtiers asked. Of course. You don't suppose I intend my guests to come in everyday attire?" "But your Majesty forgets that these gowns, too, will be of no use afterward, for nobody wears low-necked, calico dresses." "Ah! don't they? I thought of course they did."-Boston Transcript, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Eva Sorribas Costantini

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight for January 2025,
Eva Sorribas Costantini.

Eva Sorribas Costantini was born in Barcelona Spain, but currently lives in Rome Italy. She is a graduate of La Sapienza University of Rome, specializing in in the courses of Etiquette, Good Manners and Costume Paths, Ceremonial, Protocol and Institutional Etiquette. She has performed Basic and Advance courses in Etiquette and Good Manners at the Accademia Italiana Galateo in the city of Rome, and has studied British Etiquette, English Afternoon Tea, Social History of Tea and Colonial Drinks. She also worked in the luxury retail fashion sector in window dressing, image consultancy and fashion history. Her expertise is in the history of dress code and court dresses with a focus on the psychology of fashion, gender identity, body, image and symbolism of color.

Below are links to Eva Sorribas Constantini’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Restaurant History and Dining Out
• Roman Era Dining in Today’s Italy
• The French Revolution and Haute Cuisine

The following is a Q. & A. with Eva:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?

As a curious woman, I have always been interested in good manner especially how to present yourself appropriately dressed on formal occasions due to my work in the luxury retail but it wasn't enough for me. For this reason i started attending any single private school / university course or lesson, my main goal was to get to the root of the topic because i do not like stop me on the surface, to me is more important the substance than the form.

At an important exhibition(2023) about italian royal table "Sovereigns at the table" in the Regia della Venaria (Turin)

What do you enjoy most about teaching etiquette? 

I truly enjoy  teaching the historic part of etiquette and good manners, especially the ancient history of the objects that include the world of the table. Every single lesson/lecturing I give I discover something new. I like very much the time that I spend researching in archive papers, ancient books, museums and exhibitions.

Measuring for a proper and correct place setting.

What do you find rewarding about teaching etiquette?

Teaching/lecturing etiquette and good manners is one of the most rewarding works of my life. I can share my knowledge, I can see the surprise in people's faces, the pleasure, their curiosity, something very strange in the age of social media. It does not seem like lecturing/lesson, they told me that time flies, once the course is finished they ask me about new updates. 

Eva with some of her favorite books in her library.

What type of classes do you offer?

I choose to teach three specialized courses/lectures

1. *Anthropologie of the table, a four hour course in which I teach history of the table and contemporary dining etiquette. 
2. *English Afternoon tea and Colonial drinks
3. *Dress Code with a focus in its history

Eva discussing “Power Dressing” at a seminar.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? 

Usually the  range group age are from thirty to seventy-five five years old most of them are women, also most of them have a degree or are graduate, they usually have contact with public institutions or a very intense social life they want to learn who to have the propers manners and social skills.They come with preconceptions but once i talk about the history of etiquette and good manner they are fascinated.

Eva with is shown here with her teacher, Barbara Ronchi della Rocca

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading? 

Italy is one of the homelands of good manners and etiquette.  I studied at university the analysis and history of some of the two most important books of the world about this topic, "Il Cortigiano, The Courtier"1528 by Baldassarre Castiglione, "Il Galateo"1558 by Monsignor Giovanni della Casa. Another historic book from European table manners is from the XIII century, " Cinquanta Cortesie a Tavola, Fifty Courtesies at the table"  by Bomvesin della Riva.  

I also studied the difference between books and mere manuals, the first books of etiquette written by women  in the XVIII century because in the past it was a topic written by men. I currently owe a lot to my teacher Barbara Ronchi della Rocca, especially the lessons about table manners, she is an authority, and wrote about etiquette. "Si fa non Si fa" 2013, by is one of the most well known books of hers. There is another very important authoress, Colette Roselli "alias" Donna Letizia, she wrote a very important book in 1960 "Il Saper Vivere" by Donna Letizia the bible of etiquette for middle class women. This book taught the new post-second world war Italians, how to behave in the proper manner.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia