Surprising Reasons for Etiquette Rules

One “ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice”, as it “was customary to collect table leavings for the poor.”

Centuries-Old Customs Continue To Mold Manners 

Once upon a time knights in armor opened their visors when meeting someone, to determine if they were confronted by friend or enemy. From this stems today's custom of tipping the hat. In medieval days a man walking or riding on the right had the advantage of being able to unsheathe his sword quickly with his right hand. The position of deference is still to the right of the host or hostess.

“Although their practical purpose has vanished, many such etiquette traditions continue today,” says Esther B. Aresty, whose new book, “The Best Behavior,” traces the course of good manners from antiquity to the present. Some customs that have outlived their usefulness, however, have been abandoned, such as the prohibition against cutting salad with a knife. This originated, Mrs. Aresty explains, before the advent of silver or stainless steel blades, when acid in the salad dressing would discolor knives then in use. 

But other regulations laid down centuries ago remain valid to this day, notes the author, who researched hundreds of rare old courtesy and etiquette books. The earliest was “Instructions.” written about 4,000 years ago by the Egyptian Ptahhotep.

“Deference to elders was preached in this ancient papyrus scroll and is one of the oldest rules of civilized mankind,” she points out. “Another ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice, apparently because it was customary to collect table leavings for the poor. This was even called for in the Talmud.”

Earlier books were general, stressing courtesy and human relationships rather than specific rules, Mrs, Aresty says. At the beginning of the 19th century, etiquette books, while they contained some elements of the courtesy books, became volumes of regulations.

However, Mrs. Aresty thinks that conforming to such regulations is not the basis of good manners. “You can put the forks on the right side and the knives on the left side of the plate you may confuse your guest but all you've done is violate a regulation. But if you sit at the table with curlers in your hair and don't give your guest a chance to talk, then you're guilty of bad manners.

“Anything that offends is bad manners and you can define good manners in just three words: consideration for others.” she states, “Manners are what separates the herds from the leaders, the savages from the civilized.” While admitting that today's fast-paced life necessitates more informality, she contends that elimination of the niceties, especially in the area of man-woman relationships, is a “shattering loss.”

“It's a great pleasure to be a woman and have a man look after you,” declares the author, who confesses, “I'm not a women’s lib gal. Women are emasculating men in this country and women’s lib is delivering the coup de grace.” The trim, well-groomed authority on manners of the past is particularly outspoken in her criticisms of children’s manners of the present. Noting that manners were taught in school around the turn of the century, she adds that it would be a good idea for schools to reintroduce such a program.

“You must teach manners; they're not instinctive. The public school system must become surrogate parents in many ways because children are growing up without parental supervision,” says Mrs. Aresty, the mother of a grown son and daughter. “In this country etiquette writers have always complained about the behavior of children,” she goes on. “The tantrum is an American phenomenon. In Europe you rarely see the squalling cutups that are commonplace here.”

In other ways, too, European and American manners differ, Mrs. Aresty says, though the distinction is blurring with the prevalence of international travel. “There was a long tradition in America of not being fancy and not copying European ways,” she comments. “Although the fork came into use in England in the late 17th century, in America most people shoveled food into their mouths with knives right into the 19th century. Well past the Civil War, readers were still being advised not to put the knife into the mouth when eating.”

Men were the arbiters of manners in Europe, since they had plenty of leisure and social life centered around their needs. Thus they wrote the earlier etiquette volumes; but in America women became the custodians of manners and here they wrote the books. The rules of etiquette change constantly, Mrs. Aresty points out, and what is accepted at one period can be considered wrong at another time.

“A period of primness in language began in the 18th century in England and swept from here to this country,” she relates. “Refinement meant that women at American tables would not ask for a piece of breast when fowl was served. They would say ‘I'll have a slice of bosom.’ Even table legs were known as limbs.”

Other bits of advice have remained constant. For example, Mrs. Eliza Farrar, one of the earliest American etiquette writers, warned a lady never to appear before anyone while wearing curl papers. “There is no more frightful appendage to a woman than they are,” she wrote.

In an article in Harper's Bazaar in the late 19th century, Maude Howe suggested this method for entering society: “Give liberally to charity, go on committees and meet there the educated and well-bred. Keep your eyes open to the way they do things, and soon you are able to play the game.” – By Joy Stilley, New York, 1971

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Humor: Taste vs Manners

  “… on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities. – Public domain image of President Abraham Lincoln

 Taste and Manners…

Sometimes They Are Linked and Are Also Both Bad – Truth Can Often be Humorous

What is the difference between taste and manners? It may be bad manners to knock a man down, but it is not necessarily bad taste. A rich man in Philadelphia gave a reception and issued invitation cards upon which were engraved his picture. This was not bad manners. It was certainly bad taste.

A large, handsome woman once broke into a meeting of President Lincoln's cabinet, interrupting the proceedings. The homely Lincoln, arose and, addressing her, said: “Madam, what do you wish?” She replied: “I came in here to take a look at you.” Lincoln smiled. “Well, madam,” he replied, “in the matter of looking I have a distinct advantage of you.”

That was both bad taste and bad manners on her part, and on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities.

To go up to your father-in-law at your wedding breakfast with a bottle of champagne in your hand and slapping him on the back, calling him “old sport,” is not only bad taste and bad manners, but wretched sense, especially if the old gentleman is worth a million.

To be told that your friend is too busy to see you in his office and then to call him up over the nearest telephone is not necessarily bad taste, but bad manners. The two may go together. but this is not an invarible rule. - Life, 1917

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Good Manners Not Just for Wealthy

Elizabeth Post was the granddaughter in-law of etiquette author, Emily Post and Emily’s first family successor.

My column this week is Inspired by the following letter. Mrs. Gold of Pittsburgh, Pa. has been awarded a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette for her prize-winning letter of the week.

Dear Mrs. Post: I have learned so many things from your column. But sometimes I wish there were answers that would not make the poor or low middle-class people feel left out. Many people in my class would like to do the appropriate thing also. We just don't have china, silver, linens and crystal to entertain our guests with.

I have three daughters and want them to be gracious hostesses as they grow. Why don't schools teach more about etiquette? Many students know very little about how to set a table, fold their napkin on their lap, eat at a restaurant, etc… These are all so important to know in order to feel at ease as a hostess, or in a public eating place. I hope that by the time our daughters are in school more etiquette will be taught. -Catherine Gold

Dear Mrs. Gold: If I have given the impression that etiquette is only for the rich, I have failed in putting across my most important message, that good manners, not etiquette, are not a matter of having but a matter of doing and being.

If I talk about china and crystal, it is generally because someone has asked specifically about those things. The person who can live graciously with few material luxuries, who can make a charming home or entertain pleasantly without spending beyond his means deserves far more credit than the one who can afford to pay for all the help, the expensive foods, and the elaborate decorations he wants. No Sterling?

When I discuss elaborate parties or situations I hope that readers will recognize and adapt those elements which are not out of their reach to their own situation. You need not have sterling silver and fine crystal to set a lovely table, but by knowing the correct placement of those things, your own table, set with plastic or crockery, can be as lovely, as imaginative, and in as perfect taste as that of Mrs. Gotrocks.

I know many wealthy men who are not gentlemen, and I know many women with barely a cent to their names who are ladies. In both cases it is their manner and their attitude toward others and themselves which makes them what they are. Etiquette is not a matter of material things; it is a matter of what you have made of yourself, with the help of, or in spite of, your environment.

Are Manners Out of Style?

This answers the question I am asked so often - “is etiquette still important is it relevant in our world today?” Of course it is. Manners, which are outward sign of a person who has self- respect and is considerate of others, must change to keep up with the times, and those which are discarded must be replaced by newer, more appropriate ones. But the need is still there. Manners are still the guideposts to gracious living, and a knowledge of how to behave still gives one self-confidence, security, and self-respect.

I, too, wish that etiquette were taught in the schools. Many parents have abdicated their responsibility in teaching their children basic good manners, and if they are not taught at home, where will they receive such instruction? The number of letters I receive from teenagers is evidence of the lack of instruction they get at home. If their parents had taught them the most rudimentary principles of etiquette, they would surely not go to the trouble of writing to a columnist for information on their social problems.

Unfortunately, schools are invariably so pressed for money and teachers that they are loathe to start any courses they do not consider essential. And I have yet to find a principal who considered the subject more than a desirable adjunct to other teaching, but far from essential. Possibly if this attitude were different they would be paid off by less vandalism, better teacher- pupil relationships, and more cooperation and obedience to rules.

Manners in School

As parents, there is only one thing we can do, and that is to talk to teachers and to principals in our children's schools. If it is not possible to have a separate class in etiquette, it is not impossible that teachers in the younger grades could incorporate “manners” into many of the other subjects they teach. Some do, to be sure, but they are few and far between.

I would also like to see educational films on manners shown, and this, too, has been discussed a great deal. Television has finally incorporated some of this into the delightful and educational show, “Sesame Street.” Again, it is lack of funds which has prevented these films from being made and shown.

So, mothers, let us unite. If enough of you would like to see more etiquette taught in schools and through TV, write to me and tell me your ideas about it. If you provide me with enough ammunition, enough proof of the need, we might conceivably bring an influence to bear on those who could promote a “good manners” revolution. – By Elizabeth Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1970

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Royal Etiquette of Siam

Politeness and respect demand that in speaking to Royalty a special set of words be used - a custom which seems to be due to the common feeling that the use of a foreign or unusual word to express a vulgar object makes the object appear less vulgar. In other words, as the Royal ears might be shocked at hearing a spade called a spade, it is necessary to call it an agricultural implement. – Public domain image of Vajiravudh (Rama VI), King of Siam (now Thailand) in 1915

SIAM'S ROYAL ETIQUETTE

Only Specially Polite Talk Allowed at Court Functions

The King’s person is by far the most sacred thing in Siam. Court etiquette is exceedingly strict, and the ceremonies connected with the throne, such as coronations, are all of a religious nature and are strongly imbued with Brahman influences.

Twice a year the Princes and the noble, or official classes, throughout the country make oath of allegiance to the King. This ceremony is called “Teu Nam,” or “The Holding of Water,” and is of ancient origin, having been observed at the Court of the Kings of Brahman India more than 2,500 years ago. 

In Bangkok the rites are observed in the presence of the King in a temple adjoining the palace. Within the precincts are gathered together the Princes and the leading officers of state, while beyond, upon the wide lawns of the outer palace inclosure, detachments of cavalry, artillery and marines, battalions of infantry and white elephants are drawn up in the panoply of glittering accouterments.

To the sound of drums and the blare of the Royal trumpets the King appears from the inner palace, seated upon a gilded throne carried shoulder high. A thousand bayonets flash to the Royal salute, guns thunder and the massed bands play the national anthem as his Royal Majesty is borne along the front of the troops.

Arrived within, the King seats himself and watches the Court and officers of state walk in, two by two, take from a table a small cup of water specially prepared for the function by powerful Brahman charms, touch it with their lips and retire through an outer door. In the provinces this same ceremony is enacted before the official representatives of the King, and thus the whole country binds itself to the loyal observance of the Royal commands.

Politeness and respect demand that in speaking to Royalty a special set of words be used - a custom which seems to be due to the common feeling that the use of a foreign or unusual word to express a vulgar object makes the object appear less vulgar. In other words, as the Royal ears might be shocked at hearing a spade called a spade, it is necessary to call it an agricultural implement. 

This so called “palace language” is so complete that not only are the crow, dog, cat and other common animals expressed by special words, but the actions of Royalty, such as eating, sleeping, walking, speaking, bathing, dying, are spoken of in words much more distinguished and polite than those used to describe similar actions of ordinary people.–From Exchange, 1915

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Importance of Table Manners Understated

It is surprising how few of us eat absolutely nicely. This does not refer by any means exclusively to those who have not had the advantage of early training. Men, and even women, who, by their birth and breeding. should have good table manners are not above reproach in this respect.

Love Affairs Not Dependent on Table Manners

“Do you remember the hero of Charles Dudley Warner who fell in love with his wife because she ate s0 daintily?” asks the North American. If most of our love affairs depended on our good manners, it is to be feared that this would be a rather loveless old earth.

It is surprising how few of us eat absolutely nicely. This does not refer by any means exclusively to those who have not had the advantage of early training. Men, and even women, who, by their birth and breeding. should have good table manners are not above reproach in this respect.

Of course, we may not indulge in such glaring faults as jugglery with one’s knife, talking with a full mouth, drinking with a spoon in the cup or eating with painful audibleness. But how many of us, for instance, eat our bread only after breaking it into small bits? Do we all remember to dip our soup spoons away from, rather than toward us. Do we duck our heads to get that soup, instead of lifting the spoon to our mouths?

This latter breach of table niceties is something of a temptation, it must be confessed. If one is large of body. shaky of hand and with a fine regard for clean shirt fronts or blouses, which the rigid rules prescribed forbid covering with an expanse of tucked in napkin. Perhaps someone may say, “Finikin’ nonsense, all this talk on table etiquette. It is what a man is that counts, not externals.”

Unfortunately, except to one’s nearest and dearest, what one is may be so obscured by what one does as to go practically unrevealed. A big heart or a profound brain may be admired, but somehow with most of us it is the grating little unpleasantnesses of conversation or manner of those kind, brainy men and women that make the deepest impression.

Too great a stress cannot be laid upon a thorough training in table niceties. If we do not want some one to have occasion to wince at the offensive ways of eating of our children, as we have often winced at others, we should begin almost from the cradle to instill the principles of dainty table manners. – The San Francisco Call, 1907

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Unwritten Social Etiquette

“And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have

melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.”

Unwritten Manners of the Sexes

While innumerable books of etiquette are being written, published and read by the thousands for whom they are intended, It is interesting to note the tacit observances of the unwritten laws of which one sees examples in every streetcar, restaurant or public building. There are hundreds of these unwritten laws, rarely spoken of, never formulated, and yet it is by the strict observance of these that a man is socially judged.

He may be of the kind who finds the study of the etiquette textbook inevitable, or he may be of the sort to whom such work is unknown, but if he be found wanting in any of the thousand and one little finenesses which mark the line between a gentleman and one who is not, the cachet of his class is stamped upon him.

One of these recognized conveniences is the treatment evoked by the streetcar. Should a man enter one of these vehicles and find it already occupied by a woman, the unwritten law demands that he shall seat himself as far from her as the length of the car will allow. It is even better should he decide to ride outside. For by removing himself to the greatest possible distance he is displaying his knowledge of a fine distinction of courtesy which those not of the elect might even decry.

The same distinction holds good in the treatment accorded a woman who may have to enter a restaurant alone. It is not thinkable that any man beholding a table unoccupied save by one or two women would venture to seat himself at it so long as there were other vacant tables near. He must force himself to occupy any seat rather than that one. But should he discover an empty table and a woman should be compelled to occupy it with him, beyond passing her the salt, he must not even appear to know that she exists.

Of this ilk is the blue-blooded restaurant eater. And there are services rendered. A woman may ask almost any service of a man - provided he be of the right degree of amiability - she may even talk with him for full fifteen minutes while he gives her directions presumably concerning her right course, the location and routes of streetcars, or the haunts of the express offices.

He may do all this and she may have been complaisance itself, receiving his words with "nods and becks and wreathed smiles," but if she sees him again later, she must not recognize his presence by so much as the fall of an eyelash. If she does she, too, is stamped. Such are the woman’s limitations.

And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.

And so it goes. Certain limitations for man, certain others for woman. But these unwritten laws must be recognized, else we are pariahs, for such is the law of the great, round world - at least of that portion of it in which we live and move - and being prone to conformity, we conform. _ San Francisco Call, 1907

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Taste and Etiquette

Manners are more than just knowing the rules. It is living them that counts. - Pictured above, the dinner scene from the movie Titanic with a group of supposed ladies and gentlemen. Yet few at this table in the movie, have really earned the titles, or live up to them, in their truest forms. 

A 2nd debut article from 2017

Of Methods and Manners

Showing That Different Persons Attach Entirely  Different Meanings to the Words Constituting the Caption Hereof… “Taste and Etiquette”

Different persons have entirely different opinions in regard to taste and etiquette. Some are sticklers for certain manifestations, of good breeding, while others lay stress upon other and quite dissimilar rules of behavior. 

For instance: 

• There are men who would be ashamed to eat with their knives, even in private, but who will talk at the top of their voices in the public reading-room.
• And men who, though they would scorn to remain seated in a horse car while a pretty girl is standing, will throw a banana skin on the sidewalk, regardless of the inevitable consequence. 
• And women who are scrupulously neat as to hands and fingers, but who will, nevertheless, persist in wearing the biggest hat at the theater that they can possibly get hold of.
• And women who sing like seraphs, and yet will they keep the rear window wide open, though they know that it means pneumonia to one-half of their fellow passengers, and catarrh and sore throat to the other half. 
• And men who never forget to lift their hats to a lady, but who cannot be trusted with impunity for a dollar. 
• And women who would die rather than eat their soup from the end of their spoon, but who will lie like Ananias upon the slightest provocation.
• And women whose conversation is a liberal education and perennial delight to the listener, and yet their hair presents first-class presumptive evidence that it hasn't had the acquaintance with comb and brush for a month, at least.
• And men who are scrupulously careful to give a lady the inside of the walk, and yet think nothing of calling upon you at your busiest hour and boring you until you until you wish you were dead. 
• And boys who never forget to say "Yes, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," but who are taken with sudden sickness the moment they are asked to do an errand for their mothers.
• And girls who do not have to be coaxed to play upon the piano before company, but who will turn around and giggle when a strange man makes remarks about them in the street. 
• And men who would not clean their nails in public, but who will shove a pewter quarter on to a blind man about them in the street. 
• And men who would never interrupt another while he is speaking, but who will advise their best friend to invest in a worthless stock, simply because they have some of that stock which they wish to dispose of. 
• And men who are too polite to look over your shoulder when you are writing, who think nothing of registering false oaths at the Custom-house almost daily. 

Many more instances might be adduced, but the above will suffice to show that we do not all think alike upon these little matters of etiquette. — Boston Transcript, 1885

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s American Engagement Etiquette

Question: Is public announcement made when the engagement is to be long?
Answer: This again is largely a matter of personal taste, but the announcement is often made to protect the couple from conjecture and gossip. – Above, A 1934 wedding invitation.

 

Standard Rules of Etiquette

Question: Should the young man's relatives call upon his fiancée upon receiving news of his engagement?

Answer: Etiquette requires that in 24 hours after receiving the news of the engagement, the groom's relatives should call on the bride and her family, welcoming her in the family. Later they should give a dinner, tea or dance in her honor, if the engagement is announced publicly. If there is no public announcement, they entertain her in a more quiet fashion.

Question: Is public announcement made when the engagement is to be long?

Answer: This again is largely a matter of personal taste, but the announcement is often made to protect the couple from conjecture and gossip. – Imperial Valley News, 1931

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Form in Engagement Etiquette

Those who invite engaged couples to their houses should make a point of sending them down to dinner together and of doing all in their power to show that they recognize and approve of the engagement.

An engaged girl should write to her personal friends to tell them the news, while her mother writes to older relatives and friends. Letters of congratulation in answer to these should be written as soon as possible.

Young girls do not write to their men friends to congratulate them on an engagement. They either congratulate them personally or not at all.

It is considered extremely bad form for engaged couples to be too demonstrative in public. They should try to be as natural and unaffected as possible, so as to avoid causing embarrassment to others.

The engagement ring should always be worn once it has been placed in position. It is useful as a friendly warning to any unwary and over-susceptible admirers.

Those who invite engaged couples to their houses should make a point of sending them down to dinner together and of doing all in their power to show that they recognize and approve of the engagement.

A girl may dance practically as often as she pleases with her fiancé, although, of course, she will do well not to forget entirely all her old friends in this respect.

It is the girl's privilege to ask any friends she likes to act as her bridesmaids, but it is an understood thing that some relative of the bridegroom shall be among the number.

Friends of a bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride's family send their wedding presents to him, and he forwards them to the bride's mother, so that they may be on view with the other presents on the wedding day. – The Trinity Journal, 1914

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 1930’s Street Car Etiquette

When in a Street Car… “Inquisitive curiosity, talking over private affairs, making unpleasant remarks within hearing of those talked about – these all show the observer that politeness, which is etiquette, is unknown in that quarter.”

When In a Street Car

Upon entering a street car those who know how to behave will take a seat quietly, without trying to attract attention or in any manner making themselves conspicuous. 

Names should not be mentioned; gossip should be strictly avoided; a pleasant acknowledgment of small courtesies, such as a move to permit of passing and all those small things that in themselves seem of no importance, but in the aggregate speak loudly of the perfection of good breeding or the lack of it, as the case may be.

Inquisitive curiosity, talking over private affairs, making unpleasant remarks within hearing of those talked about – these all show the observer that politeness, which is etiquette, is unknown in that quarter. – Imperial Valley Press, 1931

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Etiquette Advice

“If you are inviting friends who have visitors staying with them to your house it is usual to include the visitors in the invitation except in the case of a dinner, when you need not necessarily do so. It is not necessary to call on them first, as they are only asked out of compliment to their hostess.” – Two little girls dressed in their Easter Sunday best , standing in front of their new home in their new neighborhood, circa 1931

Etiquette Notes for Women of 1931

If you return to live in a neighborhood again after a long absence call on all your friends without waiting for them to call on you first.

If you are inviting friends who have visitors staying with them to your house it is usual to include the visitors in the invitation except in the case of a dinner, when you need not necessarily do so. It is not necessary to call on them first, as they are only asked out of compliment to their hostess.

If at a dinner party there is one extra lady the hostess generally goes in by herself, following behind the last couple.

A hostess should always allow a visitor to enter the carriage before her when going for a drive.

When an engagement is announced write your congratulations or give them in person to the prospective bride and bridegroom as soon as possible. — Imperial Valley Press, 1931

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: No Interest to 1970s’ Teens

The abruptly waning interest in matters of etiquette by teens in 1971 spurred on one “agony aunt” to publish an extraordinary column which may have caused many a parent of teens concern.

Etiquipedia has posted articles previously on the decline in etiquette which the 1970’s suffered, but no other article has been quite like the following post:

The President's recent Commission on Campus Unrest appeals to all adults to undertake to understand the feelings of the youth of today. The Commission's findings suggest that the dangerous gap in our society is threatening the survival of our nation. Perhaps my teen mail and daily contact with teens will give you a better understanding of youth’s needs of the moment.

Six years ago, when I started answering teen-agers’ questions, few wrote me, and most of those who did had simple matters of etiquette on their minds. Today I get up to 2,000 letters a week. Only a smattering of them are about etiquette. Ninety percent are about sex, drugs, trouble with parents, or some mixture of the three.

I have just finished a lecture tour on which I personally talked to, and listened, to 20,000 teen-agers. These conversations, plus the thousands of letters written to my Teen Forum question- and-answer column in newspapers, tell dramatically where teen thoughts are today.

1. Boy-girl problems, including serious questions on sex - 50 percent.

2. Parental problems, including alcoholic, quarreling, or divorced parents - 25 percent.

3. Vices, including drug use - 15 percent.

4. Grooming and fashions - 8 percent.

5. Etiquette - 2 percent.

When I began "Teen Forum" six years ago, teen boys were interested in how to help a girl into a car; girls wondered about what length gloves to wear. Today both boys and girls are more interested in such subjects as world affairs and sex.

Anyone who says our young don't indulge in sex doesn't know what's happening in 1971. I'm not saying that all teen-agers do, but I am saying that more do than ever before and they don't hesitate to talk about it.

As a statistical example, I recently visited a school in Europe. The school nurse informed me that they had had two pregnancies in the past school year. Upon returning to the United States, I visited a school of the same size in the Southwest. The school nurse informed me they had had 60 pregnancies in the past school year. This is one reason why I'm for sex education beginning at least at the fourth-grade level. I am also concerned that I get the following type of letter each month:

Can I become pregnant at parties where we play kissing games? I think I know how far to go with a boy, but I just want to make sure. -Worried.

People often ask me whether I receive many nut or kook letters. No, I don't. When a teen-ager sits down and writes five to nine pages pouring his heart out, he's not being silly; he's usually desperate. In answering their questions, my philosophy is to tell young people the price they will pay for any of two or three choices - whether the question is about interracial marriage or drugs or alcohol. I believe parents, administrators, religious leaders, and other adults must be honest, reasonable, and free in their discussion of today's problems, so that our youth can know the price of every decision. Then, hopefully, the young people will make sensible decisions about what route to take. Sweeping such issues as pregnancy and marijuana under the carpet will not help us cope with the problems of our time.

Children of divorced or alcoholic parents contribute heavily to my parental hangup mail (25 percent). But even in some of the happiest families. when teen-agers are writing about such mild problems as their hair length, they will add a P.S., “Please don't send me a personal answer. My parents read all my mail!” 

Only a few teen-agers (yet enough to cause me concern) are threatening suicide or running away from home because of a parent-child communication gap. An example of severe communication-gap-itis is illustrated by the following letter:

I have a problem which I think is pretty serious. I hate my parents. It sure isn't a very nice thing to say, but I hate them. I dread liv- ing with them! They are so weird I just can't stand them. All they do is force me to do things. I have been wanting to write to you because they make me so mad, but I always forgive them. But now I just can't stand them any more. How can I tell them I hate them and don't want to live with them? I am so embarrassed and upset about it.- Parent Hater

Recently I was judge at the All-American Family Search. The teens of the 51 families attending were very honest in our forum discussions. They confirmed what my mail says about problems with parents:

• Teens want respect from adults.
• They don't respect an adult just because he's an adult. An adult must do what he can to merit a teen's respect.
• They want their parents to trust them more. Just because a girl broke her parents' trust once, she doesn't want to pay a price for it forever.
• They abhor inconsistent or hypocritical adult behavior - i.e., a father who takes up the collection plate on Sunday but goes out with women during the week or keeps pornography in his desk drawer.

I feel that much of the communication-generation gap could be avoided if we parents wouldn't make such big issues of what are essentially minor problems in the 11-to-13 age group. When a full-blown crisis develops over something, such as when to begin shaving legs, a girl is less likely to come to her parents when she's got a truly serious problem later. A sample letter: 

How can I get my mother to listen to me about getting a bra and wearing make-up? I'm 13, and she still won't let me have or do these things. When I ask her about them, she laughs. I can never have a serious talk with her. – Laughed At. 

About 15 percent of my mail deals with vices such as drugs, alcohol, cigarette-smoking. Drugs are the number-one vice. Most teens who write about drugs have tried them, have already paid a price, and are urging their peers to abstain. Many have had friends who have died from overdoses.

Some letters are from boys and girls with a friend on “Mary Jane” (marijuana) or LSD or heroin. They want to know what they can do to help the friend shake his habit. A few girls, and a few boys too, have friends who drink or smoke too much and wish they would cut down or stop. And of course many, many are deeply worried about drinking parents.

Fashions and grooming have diminished to only eight percent of my teen mail. In this category, however, the number-one question of the moment concerns the midi-length. Ninety percent of the teens I interviewed dislike the new longer skirts (especially the boys). Teens want to wear what they like. They couldn't care less about what New York or Paris dictates. If they tend at all towards the midi, it's for an inexpensive coat to wear over a mini-dress.

One thing is clear: the day when a boy sits down and writes to ask me what side of a girl to walk on is long gone. And this should tell the adults who have their heads in the sand to pull them out. I would make these four suggestions:

• Consider drugs and sex at an early age.
• Listen before saying no-and try to have a two-way communication.
• Endeavor to be honest.
• Show that you genuinely care.

Today's teens are pretty smart. We can't fool them. And, if we try to, we're in trouble. — By Jean Adams for The North County Times, 1971

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edward VII’s Affable Table Etiquette

The prince insists that everybody shall talk at the table without any reference to him, as they would if they were at home; and he banishes mere formality just as far as court tradition will permit.– Public domain image of the former Prince of Wales, King Edward VII King of the United Kingdom

and the British Dominions

Emperor of India

An Affable Prince

I asked Wilder about his parlor entertainments in Europe, and especially about his evenings with the Prince of Wales. “I gave my imitations for him six times,” said the little man. “Last time I saw him was at Mrs. Sloane Stanley’s, and he kindly set me to his right at table. All stand till he sits, and he rises first at the end as a signal to the others. It is not etiquette to eat after he finishes, but he fixes that very neatly by continuing to pick at the food as long as he sees anybody else busy. He is a man of wonderful tact in placing persons at their ease.

“For instance, I took a sip of water on sitting down. That’s water!” said the Prince with a laugh, touching my wineglass. ‘Ah, sir,’ I said, ‘I am a blue-ribbon man. I never drink any wine.’” “No? he said: ‘very well.’ He was polite. He did not quiz me or laugh at or banter me as another might, and say ‘Aw now, just this once, you know.’ Nothing of the sort. He turned the talk to other things.” “About the entertainment?” I asked.

“Oh, my share? Well, I generally have to stand on the table, but the Prince lifted me up on the piano, where, in the intervals of my imitations, there was good music made by an eminent professional. I stood with my face to the Princess and near to her, for she is getting quite deaf. One thing I noticed as odd; the higher up you get the least ceremony there is. The Prince insists that everybody shall talk at the table without any reference to him, as they would if they were at home; and he banishes mere formality just as far as Court tradition will permit.”-Washington Post, 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Conformity and Harmony

Above, a tea out in the country. – It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette.

 

Conformity

You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.

So if you can not adapt your dress and manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take your leave the better. You may and should endeavor, in a proper way, to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it, you must conform to its rules til you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must “do as the Romans do.” The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual, were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are modified by your relations to those around you.

This life of ours is a complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain “inalienable rights;” but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed. 

It is related of a certain King that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That King was a gentleman; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette. The highest law demands complete HARMONY in all spheres and in all relations. 

From the book by Samuel R. Wells, “How to Behave, A Pocket Guide to Republican Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits,” 1856

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Equality

New Zealand Suffragette Political Cartoon from late 1800s 

EQUALITY 

In the qualified sense which no doubt Mr. Jefferson affixed to the term in his own mind, “all men are created free and equal.” The “noble Oracle” himself had long before as explicitly asserted the natural equality of man. In 1739, thirty-seven years before the Declaration of Independence was penned, Lord Chesterfield wrote: “We are of the same species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which arises from fortune. For example, your footman and Lizette would be your equals were they as rich as you. Being poor, they are obliged to serve you. Therefore you must not add to their misfortune by insulting or ill- treating them. A good heart never reminds people of their misfortune, but endeavors to alleviate, or, if possible, to make them forget it.”

The writer in Life Illustrated, quoted in a previous chapter, states the case very clearly as follows: “It is in the sacredness of their rights that men are equal. The smallest injustice done to the smallest man on earth is an offense against all men; an offense which all men have a personal and equal interest in avenging. If John Smith picks my pocket, the cause in court is correctly entitled, ‘The PEOPLE versus John Smith.’ The whole State of New York has taken up my quarrel with John, and arrays itself against John in awful majesty; because the pockets, the interests, the rights of a man are infinitely, and therefore equally, sacred. 

“The conviction of this truth is the beginning and basis of the science of republican etiquette, which acknowledges no artificial distinctions. Its leading principle is, that courtesy is due to all men from all men; from the servant to the served; from the served to the servant; and from both for precisely the same reason, namely, because both are human beings and fellow-citizens!”

From the book by Samuel R. Wells, “How to Behave, A Pocket Guide to Republican Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits,” 1856

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Boors and Spoons

“Whenever it is possible, a fork must be used in place of a spoon, and that same spoon, by the by, must never be left in a coffee or tea cup, but laid to rest politely and securely in the saucer.” – Ruth Ashmore  
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Ever since forks were paired with knives, forks have been designated as the ONLY implement or utensil to use for dining, while the use of spoons at the dining table has been relegated to just breakfast cereals, soups, chili, some plain ice creams and other types of liquid or semi-liquid foods served in bowls, along with tea, chocolate and coffee.  This is a common rule many in the etiquette community either tend to ignore, or simply do not teach, though it has been the rule for nearly 2 centuries. After all, spoons enabled those who could not pace themselves through a meal and wound up suffering from dyspeptic stomachs. One gilded age author, Ruth Ashmore, explained the basics of dining etiquette on a regular basis to young women across the United States and abroad.
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There is no such thing as a “dinner spoon,” though tableware companies have been trying to promote one for years now, A spoon’s function and use at a dining table is very limited and it is good to remember that fact. It may be the reason that during the latter part of the 1800’s, so many spoons became forks by way of patented designs for new utensils. Ice cream spoons became ice cream forks, terrapin soup spoons became terrapin forks, and so on. No rules were broken that way.

As a people, we Americans have been laughed at for eating too fast, and we are credited as being a nation of dyspeptics, writes Ruth Ashmore in her interesting department, “Side Talks with Girls,” in the Ladies Home Journal. Now, of course, this is generalizing, but you, the eldest daughter, have it in your power to make the boor at the dinner or tea-table one of real delight, it is an easy matter, one you will find, to start some pleasant conversation to get your father and brother interested in the talk of the day, so that you will eat your food more slowly, and you will achieve what the Frenchmen consider the great art—you will dine, not merely feed yourself.

But there are a few little questions about table etiquette of the table that some girl wants to know, and these I am going to tell her. She must hold her knife by its handle, and never let her fingers reach up to its blade. Whenever it is possible, a fork must be used in place of a spoon, and that same spoon, by the by, must never be left in a coffee or tea cup, but laid to rest politely and securely in the saucer.

Glasses with handles are held by them. A goblet should be caught by the stem, the fingers not entwining the bowl part. Don't butter a large piece of bread and take bites from it; instead, break your bread in small pieces, one at a time. Butter it, that is, if you are eating butter, and convey it to your mouth by your fingers.

Olives, celery, radishes, strawberries with stems, and asparagus are all eaten from the fingers. The old method of eating cheese with a knife has been given up, with a fork being used in its place. The use of many small dishes for vegetables is not in good taste: indeed, many vegetables should not be served at one time.—From The Ladies Home Journal, as posted in the Sacramento Daily Union, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Your Bottom Line

From a 1992 New York Times article on with Leticia Baldridge on the relaxing of manners in general, which led to a new found need for training in corporate manners for the 1990s, spurring on the “1990s Etiquette era.”

Etiquette used to mean knowing what fork to use and standing when an adult entered the room. Ladies went to charm school to learn how to curtsy, balance encyclopedias on their heads for good posture and attract the right proposal. Today proper protocol is considered a business requirement, and executives are attending charm school in droves, eager to learn the finer points of finishing. In the last 20 years, we have been concentrating so much on productivity that we have forgotten about etiquette. Now companies have realized that half their employees don't know how to conduct themselves, explains Beverly Washington, who owns Image Factor, a Chicago image management firm.

Many American overseas business ventures fail because Americans dont know how to treat . other people, says Dorothea Johnson, director of the Protocol School of Washington, D.C., which provides etiquette and cross-cultural training to ambassadors, senators and celebrities. A business person can determine another's sophistication in five to seven seconds, notes Washington. Whether you know how to properly place your napkin, shake hands or butter bread affects whether someone will choose to do business with you." 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Your manners are always under examination, and by committees little suspected, awarding or denying you very high prizes when you least think it.” Now etiquette means knowing how to conduct yourself and put others at ease in every situation. The goal of charm schools is no longer luring husbands, but contracts. It’s just like any game: If you know the rules, you can play, says Johnson. It’s important for kids to grow up knowing how to conduct themselves, says Washington.

Kids today are thrown into many adult situations, so they must learn how not to appear rude and ignorant. They go out more with their parents. They take internships and work with other professionals. Manners used to be taught in the home, but parents are too tired and busy these days, says Dori Steves, owner of the Don Steves School of Etiquette and International Good Manners in Boca Raton, Fla. Schools don't have time to teach it because they're too busy with gun control. 

Etiquette is crucial in social situations. If you don't know how to make small talk, dress appropriately or recover from forgetting someones name, you're at a distinct disadvantage, says Joseph Durkin, executive director of the John Robert Powers School in Chicago, which offers classes in personal development and social awareness. People think etiquette school just glosses over the surface, teaching clients how to groom themselves, walk and smile prettily, says Steves. In fact, we go into depth with things they use every day: how to present awards, give and receive flowers, pour a drink, serve adults, call a waiter, pull out a chair, butter a roll. We teach them how to conduct themselves not just at the dining table but in life. 

The basis of all manners is showing respect for other people, stresses Janette H. Godfrey, owner of Pennsylvaniabased Distinctions, which imparts social graces to kids ages 8 to 18. If we have good manners, we enjoy confidence in social situations. Knowing how to do the right thing at the right time frees us up to be concerned for other people, not just ourselves.

Etiquette has certainly evolved through the ages, Steves says. It started in Versailles in the 14th Century when the King put a big notice up about how people should behave in Court. The requirements of etiquette have changed since then to suit the age. It used to be very swashbuckling for a man to protect his lady from mud by putting his cape on the ground and walking on the street side of the walkway, she added. 

Today, if you ask a teenage boy to walk on the outside of a sidewalk, he has no idea why, except maybe to stop a bullet. All the things that John Wayne used to know have gone by the wayside." You can avoid falling into this category by checking out training programs. Beyond passing food to the right, here are some specific tips from the experts:

• When you are invited to a party, don't ask the hostess about the menu or who else has been invited. 
• At a reception, take no more than three items of food at a time from the tea table. 
• Don't lift a roll to your mouth. Break bread one bite-size piece at a time. Butter it as you go along, not all at once. 
• If you drop a piece of silverware in a restaurant don't pick it up. Signal the waiter and ask him to do it. 

As our society becomes more mechanized, new guidelines are springing up to govern phone manners, computer manners…even fax manners. 

• With faxes, always use a cover sheet and never fax a document that is longer than 10 pages; use a messenger or overnight service instead. 

And a few general business rules: 

• Always present your business card face up, with the writing facing the recipient 
• When wearing a name tag, place it on the right side of your body. 
• A man should always wait for a lady to initiate a handshake.— By Reshma Memon Yaqub, Special to ‘Your Money’ in North County Times, 1994

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia