Etiquette and Entertaining Parties

Round tables are best for conversation. That's just a fact. Even with twelve people you can have a group conversation with a round table. This does not mean that you have to have a round table to have a successful party. In fact I don't have a round table in my dining room in Washington. I do, however, have a rectangular table that is almost like a round table, where I can have a cozy group of four or ten. 

Assuming you're not having a buffet supper, the table becomes the most important thing about your party, after the guests. This is where it happens. This is where hosts’ and hostesses’ reputations are made or broken.

Relax, I'm only joking. But... if it doesn’t work at the table, it’s over.

Round tables are best for conversation. That's just a fact. Even with twelve people you can have a group conversation with a round table. This does not mean that you have to have a round table to have a successful party. In fact, I don't have a round table in my dining room in Washington. I do, however, have a rectangular table that is almost like a round table, where I can have a cozy group of four or ten. My problem is that when I put a leaf or two in the table, it suddenly becomes too long for a group conversation and doesn’t really work. I can see my way around this problem. I don't like round tables for fourteen— I think they’re awkward— so I make the best of the situation when I have more than ten. 

Usually, if I’m having more than sixteen to eighteen for dinner, I take the dining room table out and bring in several old round fold-up caterer’s tables, put skirts on them, and that always seems to work better. The worst tables, and I've fallen for this in a country house once, are those long narrow antique wooden refectory tables. For some reason they are conversation killers. At least those at the end of the table have a little threesome, but those stuck in the center always seem to get left out. I think of those tables as lean and mean. The rounder and more generous a table, the better time guests generally have.

You don’t have to have down-filled armchairs at the table, but chairs should be relatively comfortable. Forget backless benches. They may be quaint and look good in the decorating magazines, but you simply cannot have a good time for a whole evening if you can’t lean back and relax. Those bamboo upright caterer’s chairs don't look it, but they are surprisingly comfortable, especially with cushions, and they don’t take up a lot of space, so you can squeeze more people in if you have to. 

I much prefer to have too many people at the table than too few. It is deadly to have great, huge spaces between seats at a party. A five-foot round table is a good size because you can put four people or twelve at it. Twelve is a little tight, but I find people have a good time when they're jammed in together. The caterers will tell you you can’t possibly fit twelve at a five-foot round. They are wrong, but ten is best for that size table. A four-and-a-half-foot round will seat ten, and a four-foot round will do eight. So if you’re hard up for space, squeeze ‘em in. — From Sally Quinn’s 1997 book, “The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining”

🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Weighed Over Dieters

“I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet” – The Duchess of Marlborough 

Dieting Fad has Become an Etiquette Trial: Some Physical Culturistes are Nuisances and

Hostesses Grow Weary with the Lack of Manners

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Some Announce Their Servants Cannot Arrange to Cater for Cranky Guests

Special Cable from LONDON— So great a trial has the dieting fad become that a number of well known English and American hostesses here have put their heads together, and have changed etiquette and drawn up a paragraph which is printed and sent out with invitations for week ends or otherwise to country houses. It runs thus: “I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet”

The truth is, for months past, the food faddist and the follower of the simpler life have given no end of trouble in other people's houses, and servants, who are all autocrats in these days, have decided that they won't put up any longer with the one or the other. Were the food faddists all to take the same menus, they might be tolerated, but it involves complications to feed at the same table the carnivorous, graminivorous and frugivorous.

The young Duchess of Marlborough is known among her friends for her extreme good nature, and the story is told against her that recently at Blenheim she had no fewer than nine “cranks” sitting at her table, each of whom had to be supplied with a totally different class of food. One thrived upon a monkey-like repast of nuts and raisins; another devoured Grapenuts and cream, a third swallowed quarts of boiling water with semi-cooked minced beef, a fourth was convinced that death lurked for her in anything which contained starch and sugar. Another, sipped fearful and wonderful concoctions in which vegetables had been stewed, and so on. Is it any wonder that, even the Duchess’ good nature gave way? – The Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Television Etiquette

A new etiquette has sprung up around the tiny screen, but it is supremely simple compared to the tangle of taboos surrounding speech. Thanks to television, it is now possible to pass an entire social evening without a dozen words being spoken. You simply have a “tv party.”

New Etiquette Arises As TV Replaces Talking

Etiquette has become much less tricky since television moseyed on the scene. Before tv, the chief hazard of social life was conversation. As oldtimers may recall, this messy business was riddled with pitfalls forbidden topics, Freudian slips, grammatical errors into which a person might topple at any minute. But tv, if it has not settled conversation’s hash, has at least dealt it a severe blow. To be sure, a new etiquette has sprung up around the tiny screen, but it is supremely simple compared to the tangle of taboos surrounding speech. Thanks to television, it is now possible to pass an entire social evening without a dozen words being spoken. You simply have a “tv party.” Here below is about all you have to remember:

BE SURE your guests know what programs they are in for. One man’s passion may be another man’s bore. Don't invite more people than you can seat. Deploy chairs in advance so everyone can see. Keep the lights on, but low. Once the set is perking, leave it alone. Nothing unsettles a tele-guest more than to have his host forever twirling knobs and angling antennas, while mumbling apologies for the reception. Beware, lest the numbing influence of television numbs your sense of hostmanship. Guests continue to have the first and last word. If tv wasn’t included in the evening’s plans, but gets turned on anyway, let the guests pick their programs. If there is a tele-phobe in the crowd who doesn't cotton to ANY program, he too must be cared for, even if it means talking to him. 

GUESTS, meanwhile, should behave as guests. If they come to watch, they should do so. Fidgets or any Dark Ages urge to chitchat should be left at home. They shouldn't handle the set. If it’s off, they shouldn't turn it on. If it’s on, they shouldn't switch channels or ask the host to, unless it's clear nobody else likes the present program either. If the guests are missing their favorite program, they can drop a feeler, “Say, aren't the fights on Channel 4?” But if the host replies “So they are,” and doesn't budge well, next time they'd better stay home if they like fights. Under no circumstances (unless asked to) should the guests try to “fix” the unit or improve the reception. Nor should they pick fault with either reception or performance. Many people have an emotional identification with their tv set, and to criticize it is to criticize them. – Don Goodwin for the Sun, 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Duties of Dinner Hosts

"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are."  Brillat-Savarin ...  "To invite a friend to dinner," says Brillat -Savarin, "is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof." 

In summing up the little duties and laws of the table, a popular author has said that — "The chief matter of consideration at the dinner-table — as, indeed, everywhere else in the life of a gentleman — is to be perfectly composed and at his ease. He speaks deliberately; he performs the most important act of the day as if he were performing the most ordinary. Yet there is no appearance of trifling or want of gravity in his manner; he maintains the dignity which is so becoming on so vital an occasion. He performs all the ceremonies, yet in the style of one who performs no ceremonies at all. He goes through all the complicated duties of the scene as if he were 'to the manner born.'" To the giver of a dinner we have but one or two remarks to offer. If he be a bachelor, he had better give his dinner at a good hotel, or have it sent in from Birch's or Kühn's. If a married man, he will, we presume, enter into council with his wife and his cook. In any case, however, he should always bear in mind that it is his duty to entertain his friends in the best manner that his means permit; and that this is the least he can do to recompense them for the expenditure of time and money which they incur in accepting his invitation.

"To invite a friend to dinner," says Brillat Savarin, "is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof." Again:--"He who receives friends at his table, without having bestowed his personal supervision upon the repast placed before them, is unworthy to have friends." A dinner, to be excellent, need not consist of a great variety of dishes; but everything should be of the best, and the cookery should be perfect. That which should be cool should be cool as ice; that which should be hot should be smoking; the attendance should be rapid and noiseless; the guests well assorted; the wines of the best quality; the host attentive and courteous; the room well lighted; and the time punctual. —From "Routledge's Manual of Etiquette"
by George Routledge and Sons, c. 1860s

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Washington DC Etiquette Advice

Advice from the wife of a U.S. President — "How would you like your wife to show dislike for some of the men you bring home?"

"ONCE OVERS”

Husbands, you may not like some of the women friends of your wife, but you are not giving her a square deal if you object to her entertaining them. Also, you are a cad if you do not give them courteous treatment while under your roof. How would you like your wife to show dislike for some of the men you bring home? Raise a rumpus if she should make it evident that she disapproves of those men whom you choose at times to be your guests—tell the truth, would you not? 

Your wife’s friends may be estimable women, companionable to her, but not agreeable to you; however, this does not give you the right to be rude to them nor to put your wife in the position of not daring to invite them for fear you may insult them and her. Your men friends appeal to you, and the same is doubtless true of the friends of your better half. The true gentleman is always courteous to each and every person who enters his home. You want to be a credit to your forbears, don’t you? - Mrs. Woodrow Wilson, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia