Morals, Manners and Kindness

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice.

Morals and manners, which give color to life, are of much greater importance than laws, which are but their manifestations. The law touches us here and there, but manners are about us everywhere, pervading society like the air we breathe. Good manners, as we call them, are neither more, nor less, than good behavior; consisting of courtesy and kindness, benevolence being the preponderating element in all kinds of mutually beneficial and pleasant intercourse among human beings. 

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice. “Win hearts,” said Burleigh to Queen Elizabeth, “and you have all men’s hearts and purses.” If we would only let nature act kindly, free from affectation and artifice, the results on social good humor and happiness would be incalculable.— Colusa Daily Sun, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early California Etiquette

 "No man or class of men has the power to set up or keep up any pre-conceived standards of right or wrong, of taste or etiquette... Not in Early California, that is!"

Men and Manners, or the Lack Thereof, in Early California

There is in California a practical freedom of speech and action, to be found nowhere in the Atlantic States. Men breathe freely and act as freely, caring, for no lookers-on. The reason is because society here has no leader, and will have none. The adventitious advantages of wealth, family, or profession, which at home enable their possessors to take the lead of the masses, are held at a discount which startles the newcomer. No man or class of men has the power to set up or keep up any pre-conceived standards of right or wrong, of taste or etiquette. The Californian takes a wild pleasure in kicking down the old-fashioned guide boards, so as to make sure of laying out a track for himself.


Wealthy men have their toad-eaters here, as well as elsewhere, but the largest possessions command no real respect among the minds of the people. They look upon riches as the very accident of accidents, as they are in this part of the world, and decline paying reverence to the man of wealth to-day, knowing that he may be "dead-broke" tomorrow, and the raggedest fellow in the crowd comes to play the millionaire in his place. Each one hopes to act the part in his turn, but looks upon the acquirement of wealth, after all, and only the accidental shifting of the colors of the kaleidoscope of existence. — Napa Reporter, 1859

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Birthplace of Etiquette

“It depends, then, upon the spirit in which these forms are observed, whether their result shall be beneficial or not.” 

We at Etiquipedia often read about the “birthplace of etiquette,” as if there is a plaque somewhere, honoring this hallowed place.  In the past year alone, we have read that etiquette hails from: 

• Great Britain's Buckingham Palace ~ We roared with laughter over that declaration. As with other Royals, the British Royal family has there own rules of etiquette which they follow, and there is no real book outlining them.

• France (Versailles, to be more specific) ~ True, some of our etiquette rules did originate in France, including the word “etiquette,” but a minute sum, when one looks at the bigger picture overall. 

• Switzerland ~ Wait... Where?

• China ~ Yes... some of the earliest writings on manners came from Confucius, however he didn't invent etiquette, he simply penned the rules up to that point in time.

• Egypt ~ Far and away most plausible as the African continent and Middle East is believed to be the birthplace of man, but we do not know for certain.

The fact is that manners started when man started, wherever that may have been. Wherever man began, he had to develop manners to get along with others around him. Etiquipedia has posted many articles on man, manners, socialization and development of manners, but rumours persist that there is a “birthplace of etiquette.”

Over time, differing voices have written about manners and their thoughts on where, why and how etiquette was born and preserved.  Case in point, here is something from 1836 :

From The Laws of Etiquette, “A short book on manners and proper behavior for a ‘gentleman,’ as opposed to a ‘man of fashion.’”

The formalities of refined society were at first established for the purpose of facilitating the intercourse of persons of the same standing, and increasing the happiness of all to whom they apply. They are now kept up, both to assist the convenience of intercourse and to prevent too great familiarity. If they are carried too far, and escape from the control of good sense, they become impediments to enjoyment. 

Among the Chinese they serve only the purpose of annoying to an incalculable degree. “The government,” says De Marcy, in writing of China, “constantly applies itself to preserve, not only in the court and among the great, but among the people themselves, a constant habit of civility and courtesy. The Chinese have an infinity of books upon such subjects; one of these treatises contains more than three thousand articles. Everything is pointed out with the most minute detail; the manner of saluting, of visiting, of making presents, of writing letters, of eating, etc...: and these customs have the force of laws -- no one can dispense with them. 

“There is a special tribunal at Peking, of which it is one of the chief duties, to ensure the observance of these civil ordinances?” One would think that one was here reading an account of the capital of France. It depends, then, upon the spirit in which these forms are observed, whether their result shall be beneficial or not. The French and the Chinese are the most formal of all the nations. Yet the one is the stiffest and most distant; the other, the easiest and most social. 

“We may define politeness,” says La Bruyére, “though we cannot tell where to fix it in practice. It observes received usages and customs, is bound to times and places, and is not the same thing in the two sexes or in different conditions. Wit alone cannot obtain it: it is acquired and brought to perfection by emulation. Some dispositions alone are susceptible of politeness, as others are only capable of great talents or solid virtues. It is true politeness puts merit forward, and renders it agreeable, and a man must have eminent qualifications to support himself without it.”– By ‘A. Gentleman’(1836) 

The bottom line is this:

Manners and etiquette were born when mankind was born, and where mankind was born.  Without social skills to suit others around him or her, he or she would have never survived.

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia