Etiquette and Deference to Others

At the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small. Lynn Truss compiled a list of those due.

It is very bad news for our society that overt disrespect is such a big game these days, because it just stirs people up without enlightening them. Mass entertainment that demeans public figures satisfies popular base instincts but leaves nobody better off. Besides, at the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down.

The “end of deference” is about a lot more than the flattening of class distinctions, in any case. This where the baby has been so thoughtlessly poured down the drain with the bath water. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small.

Here are twenty (mostly lapsed) reasons to show special politeness to other people that have nothing to do with class.

1. they are older

2. they know more than you do

3. they know less than you do

4. they got here first

5. they have educational qualifications in the subject under discussion

6. you are in their house

7. they once helped you financially

8. they have been good to you all your life

9. they are less fortunate than you

10. they have achieved status in the wider world

11. you are serving them in a shop

12. they are in the right

13. they are your boss

14. they work for you

15. they are a policeman / teacher / doctor / judge

16. they are in need

17. they are doing you a favour

18. they paid for the tickets

19. you phoned them, not the other way round

20. they have a menial job

The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things, as we have already seen, but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way “deference” has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative "respect" has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds. 

The dictionary definition of “in deference to” is: “out of respect for; in consideration of”. To show deference does not mean “I hereby declare I am inferior to you.” But that's what people seem to think it means, so they refuse to defer to anybody, on any grounds at all. The same misunderstanding prevents people from apologising. They think that if they say “Sorry”, it means “I am 100 per cent to blame. And now that I've admitted it, you can sue the pants off me.”

From Lynn Truss’ “Talk to the Hand: # ?*!, The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners Spring from the Heart

Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important.

Good Manners Leave Impression Upon Observers 

Learning Courtesy and Avoiding Rudeness in Manners is Quite Essential

A well-modulated voice in men or women and a clear-cut, distinct enunciation in speech are important facts in an agreeable personality. These can be acquired by a little practice. Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important. In conversation with our fellow beings there are two well-known quotations which may be serviceable. One is: “Three things observe with care: Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, And how and when and where.” 

The other is—before repeating any unpleasant news or disagreeable gossip about any one, to ask one’s self, “Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” Sometimes an important statement may be true, but it is neither kind nor necessary to repeat. Sometimes it is true and not kind, and yet necessary to repeat. It is necessary to tell a woman with a baby in her arms if she is about to call at a house where there is an infectious disease, that such a condition exists within. But it is only where there is necessity to warn or where there is a possibility of helping and changing the existing conditions, that one is really justified in repeating and commenting upon the disagreeable and painful things of life. 

People who possess the refinement of good manners always leave a pleasant and stimulating impression upon those with whom they converse. Even in a brief interview in which only the ordinary events or happenings of health and weather are touched upon, the really good mannered individual whose manners spring from a good heart will find an opportunity to leave an agreeable and brightening effect. Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brains, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life, and you will need no book of etiquette to direct you, although it may not harm you to read one. – Los Angeles Herald, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Our Elders

As a rule, your parents and your teachers are your best counsellors. They have traveled the road before you, and have your highest interests at heart. Listen to them.

Duty to Older People

“The mildest manners, and the gentlest heart.” —Pope

1) Show especial deference—not indifference—to your superiors in age, office, and the like. Do this not once, but always. Watch for opportunities.

2) Rise, when an older person who is standing begins to talk to you.

3) If you wish to become a musician, you seek help from the finest musical instructor within reach. Just so in the greater art of living effectively, seek help from those who have learned wisdom. As a rule, your parents and your teachers are your best counsellors. They have traveled the road before you, and have your highest interests at heart. Listen to them. Don't make your life a wild experiment in blundering; it doesn't pay.

4) Never regard age, even advanced age, as a joke. To do so blunts your own sensibilities.— From 1921's “Manners and Conduct in School and Out” by Fanny R. Smith

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia