Social Etiquette at Washington, 1898

 

Lucy Webb Hayes was a popular hostess in Washington D.C. ; “Mrs. Hayes, on one of her tours with her husband, was asked if she did not get tired of seeing so many people and going so much, and she replied: ‘Oh, no; I never get tired of having a good time.’”— Laura Carter Holloway

The wife of the President makes and returns no visits. The wife of the Vice-President pays first visit only to the wife of the President. The wives of Senators make first calls on the wife of the President, the wife of the Vice- President, the wives of the Ambassadors, the ladies of the Supreme Court and upon each other in the order of the length of service of their husbands in the Senate, The wife of the Vice-President holds receptions on Wednesdays, cabinet day, because her husband is a member of the President's cabinet, while the day of receiving for Senators' wives is Thursday, between the hours of 3 and 6 in the afternoon. These receptions begin after the 1st of January and continue to be held until Lent begins. Some ladies observe the day for receiving all the time Congress is in session. 

The customary preparations for holding an afternoon reception are to station one man at the drive to open and shut carriage doors and call carriages, and another at the hall door to admit callers and take cards. The hostess receives the visitors, standing near the door of the entrance, and is dressed in a high-necked gown, which may otherwise be as elaborate as taste may dictate. Visitors may be announced by name to the hostess by an usher, or may speak their names themselves.

Any person is at liberty to make the visits at the homes of Senators, and all persons are cordially received. Those leaving cards expect their visits to be returned; resident and non-resident sightseers, who call without introduction of any sort, do not leave cards. A large proportion of the official folk owe first calls to the ladies of the Senate. the ladies of the cabinet, the wives of foreign ministers, and the wives of the members of the House of Congress. These are termed “duty calls,” and must be returned in person. A woman whose husband is in the “upper house” can be quite as exclusive as any lady of private position, if she so desire. The women of the cabinet could not close their homes to the public, however much they might wish to do so.-Woman's Home Companion, 1898

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Schools of Table Etiquette Everywhere?

“… one seldom witnesses a lady, even of the most mediocre pretensions, sit at table picking her teeth, lolling over the board, licking the teaspoon and sticking it in the sugar, using the knife as a coal shovel, impaling morsels of meat and potato on the fork as if spearing fish in the Columbia River, straining the coffee through the mustache, bolting food by the bucket with a loud gurgling noise, lassoing dishes across the table which might easily be passed upon a simple neighborly. request, and other delightful stunts in the gentle art of dining too unspeakable to be mentioned.” –Above: Sir Alec Guinness looks on in bemusement as Sir John Mills eats food straight from his knife in 1946’s “Great Expectations.” By the latter half of the 19th century, etiquette books were decrying the practice of eating from one’s knife, though it had earlier been perfectly acceptable behavior in England for hundreds of years.

EVERYWHERE, schools of domestic science are being installed with promising success in the effort to lure the eye and tickle the palate in gustatory function. By the side of these commendable educational efforts in the art of keeping ourselves alive for a normal period, are other schools devoted to the scientific study of the value of baled hay, beardless barley, flaked rye, withered cornhusks, little-necked clams, Edam cheese, bread fruit, egg-plant, vegetarian turkey, desiccated jelly-fish, and other delightful comestibles too numerous to catalogue in this article.

It is certainly desirable for the sake of joyful longevity to know, how and what to prepare as food. Not less necessary is it, perhaps, to refined tastes under reasonable and civilized cultivation, to know how to dispose of the food thus tastefully and factfully prepared, in a manner inoffensive to the casual spectator. Pertinent is it, therefore, to inquire: “Where is our School of Table Etiquette?” Presumably, etiquette of the table is to the manor born. But we find it necessary to have our schools of parlor etiquette. Why, therefore, is it not expedient to have a course in table manners which shall teach us the disadvantage of trying to imbibe soup with a fork– and some other graver things?

To realize the necessity for such an educational enterprise, we need only partake of a few meals in a public dining-room to perceive the porcine proclivities of some of our “best” people. Men, perhaps, are the chief offenders. Women, as a rule, pay some attention to the semi-natural and common decencies. For instance, one seldom witnesses a lady, even of the most mediocre pretensions, sit at table picking her teeth, lolling over the board, licking the teaspoon and sticking it in the sugar, using the knife as a coal shovel, impaling morsels of meat and potato on the fork as if spearing fish in the Columbia River, straining the coffee through the mustache, bolting food by the bucket with a loud gurgling noise, lassoing dishes across the table which might easily be passed upon a simple neighborly. request, and other delightful stunts in the gentle art of dining too unspeakable to be mentioned.

Possibly a lady of high degree may be observed removing an un-chewable morsel from the mouth on the tines of a fork or on the point of a spoon in full view so that all assembled may enjoy the unappetizing spectacle: Possibly also, if she has attended a school of table etiquette, she will remove the offending bit of food under cover and in a way not to attract undue attention. Indeed, the possibility is that she will behave at table with a commendable degree of rectitude, even to the extent of refraining from proper chewing of her food lest the masticatory exercise will distort her cherubic mouth to such an extent that the services of a beauty doctor must be summoned.

But the men! Oh, horrors! Let us forthwith have a Department of Table Etiquette attached to every Grammar and High School to whose sessions women may and men must attend or suffer the penalties of starvation and ostracism from ordinarily polite society. The sooner man learns the use of the knife, fork and spoon, as well as modest quietude at table, the better for the reputation of our vaunted civilization.— San Jose Mercury News, 1909

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On Manners and Table Customs

“The flesh of the hog, unless as ham, finds its way to few fashionable tables; and as there are many persons with strong aversions to the animal, besides Jews and Mohammedans, it is best to dispense with it as much as possible.” – Above : Two lovely Victorian serving pieces – A sterling bacon serving fork and a gilded sterling waffle server. No one would bat an eye if the bacon serving fork was used to serve “fakin’” or “facon”, a popular nickname for the numerous vegan bacon brands available to consumers now .

We shall give a few observations on eating, and the manners and customs of the table:

There is a certain fitness and character to be observed respecting what you eat. Coarse people are coarse livers. Refined people eat delicately. We do not expect a lady to eat beefsteak and onions, washed down with beer or porter. She will scarcely eat pork or drink whiskey. 

The flesh of the hog, unless as ham, finds its way to few fashionable tables; and as there are many persons with strong aversions to the animal, besides Jews and Mohammedans, it is best to dispense with it as much as possible. 

The most refined people I know dispense with the flesh of animals entirely, from esthetic, moral, and hygienic considerations. But, as I am not writing a work on physiology or dietetics, I will not discuss the point. —From “The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments,” 1855

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More Child Etiquette Training Utensils

On children learning table manners ~ “Every human being without exception must pass through this rite of passage, being forbidden the motherly breast or the bottle and taught to eat solid food. The child must learn for most of its mealtimes to give up sucking, the skill with which it was born. The area inside the cheeks of small children is well provided with taste buds, which adults' cheeks are not; babies taste not only with their tongues but with their cheeks. This is thought to be why they like packing their mouths with food. They must be made to take less at a time.” ~ Margaret Visser, in “The Rituals of Dinner”

A few more examples of
Child Etiquette Training Tools
from the 1800’s & 1900’s

Food pushers for baby were essential in a day when "cleaning the plate" was a rule observed by every child. These pieces were available in almost every popular flatware pattern.

The R. Blackington Company created these fun toddler spoons – “A barrier at one side of the bowl of baby training spoons supposedly frustrated the child who wanted to use his left hand at the table. The manufacturer offered a variety of appealing  animal barriers.” 

The “My Own Set” plate came with a toddler-sized, silver plated fork and spoon set. Some even came with a matching child-sized mug. They were available featuring art depicting boys, girls, and even animals, though most popular was this adorable girl with her teddy bear in a high chair, “learning to eat properly.” The plates were designed to remind the child where his or her fork or spoon should go— on the right or the left side. This is one of the rare plates that was available in Spanish.

These patent and description images, along with a previous Etiquipedia post on Child Etiquette Training Tools and other items, can be found at this link.

— Advertisements and text above from “American Silver Flatware 1837-1910,” by Noel Turner, 1972 and the “My Own Plate Set” is from the Etiquipedia private library and will be featured in an upcoming book by Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

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Italianate Style Dining

“… meals had been served in what was called the Italianate style, which had been brought to the French court by Catherine de'Medici. In this style, apparently revived from the Roman Empire, all food was prepared, then placed helter-skelter on the table. There might be separate “services” or “plates,” but since each service might include fish, fowl, game, fruits, and sweets, there was little point in keeping them apart.” — Public domain engraving of Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, in his Physiology of Taste, published in 1825, had introduced a new “ordinance of the table,” which he is said to have devised during his exile in the United States during the last years of the 18th century. Prior to the introduction of his new theory, meals had been served in what was called the Italianate style, which had been brought to the French court by Catherine de'Medici. In this style, apparently revived from the Roman Empire, all food was prepared, then placed helter-skelter on the table. There might be separate “services” or “plates,” but since each service might include fish, fowl, game, fruits, and sweets, there was little point in keeping them apart.

Under Savarin's system, which has now become so common that few people realize how original it was at the time of its introduction, the old “services” became “courses,” each consisting of only one fundamental food, and these were arranged in a logical order. The logic was Savarin's; if anyone questioned why fish should come before meat, or a stew before a roast it was because Savarin said that was the way it should be -and Savarin was confident of his own taste. He stressed the necessity of having the wines complement the food, and taught that every meal should be a festive occasion with gay, cheerful conversation and a well-chosen group. The new scheme was adopted to a limited extent throughout Europe during the ensuing years; it made its appearance in the United States about mid-century, but was not generally accepted until after the War between the States.

At least one silverware manufacturer paid his debt to Savarin by naming a tableware pattern after him; there seems to be no record of the dedication of one of the numerous books on decorum and etiquette to the French master, but that was surely merely an oversight on the part of the authors and publishers for whom a whole new field had opened.— From “American Silver Flatware 1837-1910,” by Noel Turner, 1972

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2nd Debut: Singapore’s Courtesy Campaign

 On behalf of all the contributors to the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia, I would like to personally thank the over 20,000 readers of Singapore who have viewed our etiquette articles over the past month. We thank you and applaud you for your efforts in understanding etiquette and etiquette history! Here is an article on the Singaporean Courtesy Campaign that was originally posted in February of 2021 —

A public education campaign featuring Singa the Lion was launched in 1982 under the National Courtesy Campaign with the slogan, “Courtesy is part of our tradition, it’s so nice to be courteous.”

The month of July has been “Courtesy Month” since 1979 in Singapore. Themes have changed from yearly, with songs, comic books and posters, all promoting courtesy. In 2013, Singa the Lion, Singapore's Courtesy Month mascot shockingly quit. In a letter, he explained his reasons:

Singa, the mascot for the Singapore Kindness Movement has called it quits. In an open letter the former Courtesy Lion, said that after 30 years, it was “just too tired to continue facing an increasingly angry and disagreeable society.”

Having done the job for over 30 years, Singa noted that kindness should not be a campaign, but a part of values education, adding that “people in authority - at work, in school, at home and in government - should lead by example”.

“I suppose it's time for real people to step up, and for the mascot to step aside.”

The letter also stressed that “it's not that we aren't a gracious society, or that kindness is not innate in all of us. But some days it feels like not very many of us believe in or care about expressing kindness.”

Signing off as “your friend Singa” the letter reminded that being rude, either online or in public, is a choice and people should be responsible for their actions and the society that they create.

 

The following day, it was revealed that the letter had been a publicity stunt.

Singa the lion to come out of retirement – the day after ‘quitting’

In what may prove to be one of the most predictable PR stunts in recent memory, the Singapore government’s “Singa the Lion” – the brand mascot for the Singapore Kindness Movement – is not retiring after all.

According to a story in government-backed broadsheet, The Straits Times, the stunt to withdraw Singa from the public eye – announced via a mock resignation letter– was actually a media campaign “to generate conversations and reactions online”, and Singa is likely to make a comeback. 

In the 2013 letter, the 30-year mascot, formerly known as Singa the Courtesy Lion, stated: “I’m just too tired to continue facing an increasingly angry and disagreeable society.” The letter also hit out at anonymous comments made by Singaporeans online, saying: “We can go online and be rude to others, but let’s not think it doesn’t count because it’s anonymous.”

The resignation appeared to have the opposite effect in inspiring kindness among online communities in Singapore, with the stunt prompting ire among bloggers and posters in social media. The Singapore Kindness Movement’s ad agency is DDB Singapore, although the agency said it had nothing to do with the stunt.

Poor PR stunts aside, Etiquipedia asks, “Can etiquette and genuinely good manners, ever be legislated or government run?” You are welcome to leave your thoughts in the comments below, or send us an email. We’re curious as to what our readers think.

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Lady’s Maid

The lady’s maid, though she may wear all-white for her morning duties, has a black dress and apron for afternoon and evening; the apron may be pleated or plain. The costume above is from Madame Joseph’s Shop.

The single word “maid” means lady’s maid in that society which has always provided its women with personal attendants. But later-comers to the social game like to make sure there's no mistake about the fact that they have an individual attached to their persons, and so “personal secretary,” (when “private secretary” would be right) and “personal maid” (when “maid” would do) have come to be very usual expressions in this country.

The duty of the employee properly called lady’s maid is that of waiting upon the lady, or ladies, of the house. She would be expected to keep the entire wardrobe in order, and, sometimes, house-linen also is under her charge. This, of course, depends upon her position in the household and on the size of the staff.

With several ladies to look after, especially if their service were exacting, a maid might not be able to do more than meet the obligations of her office, in which case a housemaid might have charge of the up- stairs linen, and the waitress, or parlour-maid, (in some households, the butler) might have charge of the table linen. But in many places the maid has time to take full care of the whole linen-closet and give out its stores.

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Madame l’Etiquette vs Marie Antoinette

  

Anne d'Arpajon, the comtesse de Noailles (Anne Claude Louise d'Arpajon, was a French noblewoman and Versailles court official. She served as the dame d'honneur for two French Queens, the young, Marie Antoinette and her predecessor, Marie Leszczyńska. Dubbed “Madame Etiquette” due to her insistence that not even the smallest minutia of Versailles court etiquette ever be ignored nor altered, she was a continual irritant to Marie Antoinette.— Public domain image of “The Lady with the Mask” aka Madame Etiquette,” by Louis Surugue, 1746

When fourteen year old Marie-Antoinette arrived in France the lady singled out to be her guide was not a warm, motherly person but the one who was next in line for such an exalted office. It was Anne Claude Louise d'Arpajon, Vicomtesse de Noailles, who had been the first lady-in- waiting to the late Queen Marie Lesczynska and was therefore a stickler for etiquette. The Polish Queen had been strict about etiquette since she was the daughter of a dethroned king and later a As Madame Campan shrewdly describes in her memoirs:

“While doing justice to the virtues of the Comtesse de Noailles, those sincerely attached to the Queen have always considered it as one of her earliest misfortunes not to have found, in the person of her adviser, a woman indulgent, enlightened, and administering good advice with that amiability which disposes young persons to follow it. The Comtesse de Noailles had nothing agreeable in her appearance; her demeanour was stiff and her mien severe. She was perfect mistress of etiquette; but she wearied the young Princess with it, without making her sensible of its importance. It would have been sufficient to represent to the Dauphiness that in France her dignity depended much upon customs not necessary at Vienna to secure the respect and love of the good and submissive Austrians for the imperial family; but the Dauphiness was perpetually tormented by the remonstrances of the Comtesse de Noailles, and at the same time was led by the Abbe de Vermond to ridicule both the lessons upon etiquette and her who gave them. She preferred raillery to argument, and nicknamed the Comtesse de Noailles Madame l'Etiquette.”

Marie-Antoinette rebelled against the stringency of the etiquette, which she did not think was necessary, and as Queen she changed some of the rules. She also chose people for offices not from the usual noble families but based upon her liking of them and whether she thought them capable. It would amaze us how much resentment she caused among the nobles, resentment which her enemies put to work against her. Nevertheless, Madame de Noailles and her husband were loyal monarchists and died on the guillotine during the revolution.— From the Tea at Trianon Blogspot

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1930’s Flatware Etiquette Changes

Toward the end of the Great Depression and the start of World War II, fewer households had the differing types of flatware that had once been produced during the Victorian era, Gilded Age or Edwardian era. Teaspoons were recommended for bullions and dessert-spoons were being called “oval soup or dessert spoons.” Specialty “melon spoons” (pictured above) and the longer, quite different “melon forks,” like those offered just 30 years earlier were no longer being offered by silver companies and were difficult to come by unless one had inherited them.

The necessary implements are: For the melon a dessert-spoon on the right, or if grapefruit or fruit cocktail is to be served, a teaspoon; for soup in a bouillon cup, a teaspoon— if served in a wide soup cup, a dessert-spoon; for the main course, a dinner knife on the right and a dinner fork on the left. The salad fork lies next to the plate. A bread-and-butter plate set above and slightly to the left of the place plate holds the individual butter knife with which to butter small rolls or toast during the meal, and the crackers which are served with the salad and cheese.

A small but elaborate luncheon for only three or four persons would perhaps have less food, though practically as many courses. To give an example:

Soup

Curried Eggs

Mousse of Ham with Peas Alligator Pear Salad 

Chocolate Soufflé

In small households where both cooking and serving are done by the same person, food and service are simplified. Stuffed eggs, to be prepared beforehand, might begin the meal, salmon cutlet with potatoes and carrots come next, followed by stewed fruit. Some women drink tea with luncheon, but the rule is to serve coffee after it, either at table or in the living-room, as seems easiest. Since none of the food needs to be cut, this menu would require as table implements only two forks, both small, and in this case they may go either on the left or on the right. The dessert plate would, as always, carry the dessert-spoon and fork, and even at the smallest lunch there would be finger-bowls. – From “Table Setting and Service,” for the Home Institute, by Elizabeth Barnard, 1935

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Simplicity in Table Setting is Key

Elaborate and ornate settings go with ceremonious living; if you do not live ceremoniously, do not adopt them. Simple living calls for the beauty of simplicity. If you live one way, you can not imitate the other smartly.

The Keynote Is Simplicity

Two or three implements on each side of a plate take up considerable space, so for reasons of neatness and order the table is not loaded with more silver than is needed for the main courses. The dessert spoon and fork are therefore placed on the dessert plate, which stands on the sideboard ready – set for convenience. They are brought to the table on that plate after the more substantial part of the meal is over and placed in front of the diner, who himself not the maid-lifts them off at once and places them on the table.

As we noted in a previous post, service is always from the left because it is easier for the person served to help himself from that side. Used plates are always removed from the left lest the person removing them precipitate a great crash of china and glass by knocking against a diner's hand, which might be stretched out suddenly to take a glass of water. Therefore, we repeat: serve from the left; take all dishes away from the left, but remove glasses and unused right-hand implements from the right.

The sort of china, glass, and silver used, the way a table may be decorated and lighted, the kind of covering most appropriate -all these depend on the taste of the hostess and her understanding of what fits her surroundings. There is no rigid rule of etiquette about them. Elaborate and ornate settings go with ceremonious living; if you do not live ceremoniously, do not adopt them. Simple living calls for the beauty of simplicity. If you live one way, you can not imitate the other smartly.

Good taste is not a matter of the pocketbook; it is shown in the table arrangements of cottage and mansion alike. For instance, costly lace cloths, silver candelabra, priceless porcelain compote dishes, and great silver tankards filled with hothouse blossoms are suitable for fine houses, while a table made of polished silvery driftwood, set with gay pottery and colored glasses and decorated by large shells filled with wild flowers, is charming in a beach cottage.– From “Table Setting and Service” by Elizabeth Barnard, 1935

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The “Why” of Our Table Setting

Reduced to its simplest terms, arranging the flat silver is only a matter of placing it in the order of use, so that as he picks up the implement for each course, the diner will be working from the outside in.

Table setting is a simple enough procedure if you understand that the silver is placed as conveniently as possible for the user. Once you have decided on the menu and the silver to be used for each course, begin setting the table by spacing the place plates. Allow about thirty inches to each cover. And naturally if the table is larger, the places will be a little farther apart.

Reduced to its simplest terms, arranging the flat silver is only a matter of placing it in the order of use, so that as he picks up the implement for each course, the diner will be working from the outside in. Following this rule, you will have at the left the fish fork, the meat fork, and, nearest the plate, the salad fork. At the right: the soup spoon, fish knife, and, nearest the plate, the meat knife. The cutting edges of the knives should be turned in to face the plate. For the placing of flat silver see the sketch above.

Convention has decided, broadly, that soup spoons and knives go on the right of a plate because they are used primarily by the right hand, and forks on the left because as long as their fellow utensils, the knives, are in action, they are left-hand implements. If you eat according to the English method, as many Americans do, you do not change your fork to your right hand while there is anything on your plate to cut. You use the two implements continuously during the meat course. 

If, however, you prefer to eat according to the American method laying down the knife every few minutes and transferring the fork to the right hand-there is no rule against doing so; it is a manner of eating upheld by many. Of course, when a fork is the only implement necessary, it is always held in the right hand.– From “Table Setting and Service” by Elizabeth Barnard, 1935

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Small Points of 1850’s Dining Etiquette

From the upcoming book, “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?” — Gilded Sterling and Sterling Egg Spoons in Gorham’s Ivy Pattern, Durgin’s Lily of the Valley, and Two Olive Pattern Spoons by an unknown maker. Egg “Toppers” in Silver and Silver Plate, a Herend Porcelain Egg Cup, among other egg servers and an egg cruet set.

If a lady requests you to pare an apple or peach for her, take her fork to hold it, or some other than your own. This is a service that may be asked, but not often volunteered.

Servants now wear white gloves in waiting on table; but a clean napkin is as well to hand plates with. For a lady or gentleman to wear gloves at table is a small affectation, that may as well be dispensed with.

Preserve your calmness and presence of mind under all circumstances. If you are so heedless as to scald your mouth; if a careless waiter pours a plate of soup in your lap; if china crash, or your satin is ruined, still smile serenely, and even jest, if you really have as good command of yourself as you must seem to have. The gentleman who remarked, when his servant dropped a boiled tongue on the dining room floor, “Tis a mere lapsus lingua, gentlemen,” set a good example.

At our fashionable hotels, where so many people now live, move, and have their being," it is customary to have breakfast ready from eight o'clock to twelve, and to order from the carte. You take a seat at the table, give your order to the waiter, and read the morning paper while it is in preparation.

The small points of table etiquette, like many others, may easily be learned by a little observation. A well-bred person, attentive to the prevailing customs, never turns his tea or coffee into his saucer to cool. The cup was made expressly to drink from, and the saucer to hold the cup. He does not stir or blow his food or drink to facilitate its cooling. He drinks it hot, or waits. He eats his eggs from the shell, with or without an egg cup, which is to hold the shell, and not its contents. — From “The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments,” 1955

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Monogramming Etiquette Advice

Your monograms must be correct. They must be chosen with discrimination, suitable for the articles on which they are used, and. they must be correctly placed. 

Monogramming in Good Taste 

Monogramming calls for so much more than mere embroidery of initials. Your monograms must be correct. They must be chosen with discrimination, suitable for the articles on which they are used, and. they must be correctly placed. 

In every city the leading store handling linens will be able to advise you on this most important problem of good taste. — From “New American Etiquette,” 1941

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Formal Invitation Etiquette

Street numbers may be spelled out unless they are too long or they may be put in figures. House numbers are usually put in figures unless they consist of only one figure when they may spelled out if preferred. 

GENERAL RULES FOR FORMAL INVITATIONS

1. Telephone numbers should not be used on formal invitations.

2. The family crest or coat of arms may be embossed without color at the top of the invitation if the invitation is issued jointly by husband and wife, or by the husband alone. If issued by a widow, only the coat of arms should be used, omitting the crest and motto, and in the form of a lozenge.

3. “request the pleasure of your company” is used in dance invitations, dinner invitations, etc., and not “the honour of your presence.” (Note that in formal invitations the English style of spelling honour and favour is always used.)

4. If an invitation to a formal luncheon or dinner is hand-written, the same form is used as that of an engraved formal invitation.

5. The most personal, formal engraved invitation of any kind is the form in which the guest's name is filled in by hand. This confers a special compliment on the recipient.

6. Teas are generally given by women only. However, they are sometimes given by “Mr. and Mrs.” jointly.

7. One envelope is used for invitations to teas, dances, etc. The tissue may be discarded in mailing invitations engraved upon cards, unless two cards are mailed in one envelope, when a tissue should be placed between them.

8. Invitations may be engraved on plain or paneled sheets or cards.

9. It should not be necessary to have to ask for a reply, but in these changing and rather careless times it has become quite essential in many cases. The most commonly used forms are “Please address reply to (address),” “Please send response to (address),” “R. S. V. P. commonly written ‘R.s.v.p.’ meaning “Répondez s'il vous plaît (Reply if you please)” and “The favour of an answer is requested.”

10. “At home” or “At Home” are usually used on tea invitations in place of "will be at home."

11. Street numbers may be spelled out unless they are too long or they may be put in figures. House numbers are usually put in figures unless they consist of only one figure when they may spelled out if preferred.

12. Dance or tea invitations should be mailed three weeks in advance of the occasion, if possible.

13. “A small dance” is a term frequently used in dance invitations, regardless of the size of the affair. The word “ball” is used only on invitations to a public occasion of this kind. — From, “New American Etiquette,” 1941

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Table Setting – The Napkin

It is no longer good form to put bread or a dinner roll in the napkin– too many embarrassing moments resulted from that custom.

Proper Napkin Placement

The napkin is usually placed at the left of the forks and parallel with them. If the napkin is folded in a square or otherwise folded so that the corners are up, it is placed so that the open corners are toward the plate.

Often one sees the napkin placed on the service plate, but unless space demands this, it is not to be recommended. Service plates are usually of such loveliness that none of their beauty should be sacrificed.

It is no longer good form to put bread or a dinner roll in the napkin– too many embarrassing moments resulted from that custom, for it was most natural, when one was engrossed in conversation, to take up the napkin unthinkingly and discover the roll flying for the regions under the table. – From “The American Woman’s Cookbook,” 1951

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Table Setting – Bread Plates

In the Gilded Age, bread plates often were sold with “butter pat” plates. Plates even smaller than bread plates. These fell out of fashion in the Unites States by the second quarter of the 1900’s. They are very collectible however and can make for more authentic historical place settings.

Bread and Butter Plates

These convenient little plates are used at breakfast and luncheon, and at family and other informal dinners. Since butter is not served at formal dinners, bread and butter plates, are not usually placed. However, there is now a tendency to place bread and butter plates on the table, except at the most formal dinners, many hostesses maintaining, and quite rightly, too, that these plates are of great convenience, in affording a harbor for the roll or bread and for the celery, radishes, and nuts that are passed at dinner. Bread and butter plates are removed after the salad course, with the salts and peppers.

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Table Setting – Service Plates

A service plate is a background plate on which other plates are placed. Since its function is largely decorative, it should be as handsome as your circumstances permit. 

Service or “Cover” Plates, Chargers, Place Plates or Lay Plates

A service plate (sometimes called a “place plate” or “lay plate,” and, most appropriately, a “cover plate”), which is about one inch larger than a dinner plate, is used in formal service. A service plate is a background plate on which other plates are placed. Since its function is largely decorative, it should be as handsome as your circumstances permit.

Service plates are usually of beautiful china, though sometimes they are of gold or silver or silver plate or even glass. If they are of china, they do not match the rest of the china in design, since they are usually far more ornate. In advance of the meal, the service plate is set in the center of each cover, one inch, or sometimes two inches, from the edge of the table. No food is served directly on the service plate. On it are placed the plates containing the first courses of the meal, such as fruit, oysters, and soup. It is not removed until it is exchanged for the plate of the first hot course after the soup.

Large service plates are not used for breakfast, and it is usually inconvenient to use them in homes where there is no service, or in homes where the food is served at the table by the hostess or host or both. – From “The American Woman’s Cookbook,” 1951

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Etiquette Origins of Table Utensils

Ancient Roman dinner guests, depicted lounging on a triclinium... “If they were too full to finish their food, they could wrap the leftovers in a napkin to take home.”— “The first napkin was a lump of dough the Spartans called ‘apomagdalie,’ a mixture cut into small pieces and rolled and kneeded at the table, a custom that led to using sliced bread to wipe the hands. In Roman antiquity, napkins known as sudaria and mappae were made in both small and large lengths. The sudarium, Latin for 'handkerchief,' was a pocket-size fabric earned to blot the brow during meals taken in the warm Mediterranean climate. The mappa was a larger cloth spread over the edge of the couch as protection from food taken in a reclining position. The fabric was also used to blot the lips. Although each guest supplied his own mappa, on departure mappae were filled with delicacies leftover from the feast, a custom that continues today in restaurant ‘doggy bags’.”

WE give little thought to the origin of the table utensils in daily use, but a recent French writer throws interesting light on the subject.

The old Romans, it seems, not only breakfasted, but dined and supped, if not in bed, reclining upon couches, and not until the days of Charlemagne were stands introduced, the guests sitting around them upon cushions. In the Middle Ages, when a table and benches with backs were an innovation the ultimatum of luxury and ease seemed reached. The food was eaten from a kettle with side-handle, not unlike a porringer, but after a time thick rounds of bread were cut from the loaf to serve as plates.

Of very remote date is the salt-cellar (as the use of salt. belongs to the earliest ages); at Roman and Greek banquets it occupied a prominent place, and was termed by Homer, "divine." The salt cellar was made for the rich from silver or gold, and was a family heirloom. Francis I had several of exquisite workmanship, the chasing credited to Benvenuto Cellini.

At the Louvre are specimens made from faience for the wonderful service of Diana of Portiers or Henry II. In con trast to this elegane, salt-holders were formed from common earthenware, and at the onlinary repasts of the poor pieces of bread were cut and hollowed out, and placed at each plate to hold the salt. Individual, it seems, even if crude No. mention is made of the castor until the sixteenth century, and then it is termed "cruet-stand."

The knife is very old; but not until the tenth century is it classed as a table appointment; while spoons are also very antique, mentioned as early as the soventeenth century . The old Greeks and Romans knew by experience that “fingers were male before forks” and used them accordingly. Even in the Middle Ages a fork was a curio, and to Henry III, we owe its establishment as a table convenience.

From the most remote period comes the drinking-cup, in the Middle Ages formed from precious metals, and later jeweled, inscribed, and ornamented. From fair Venice in the fifteenth century come glasses, probably very unlike the delicate things of beauty and value that we style “Venetian glass,” but nevertheless just an rosy lips quaffed the water and wine then as now, and eyes were as bright, smiles as sweet, and homes as dear in that long ago

When we consider the progress in table appointments-to dainty service at command in this nineteenth century, in contrast with the slender opportunities of the wives of those old Roman and Greeks for handsome entertaining-we resolve with what we have therewith to be content.– The Pottery Gazette (London, Greater London, England) Sat, Apr 1, 1893

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Table Setting — Table Decorations

No table decorations should obstruct the view of the guests (although at large, formal dinners, when the conversation cannot be general anyway, they may be tall). All tall decorations should be narrow (e. g. candles). Avoid over-decoration and inappropriate decorations.

Have in mind a definite plan. Consider carefully the artistic height for your table decorations: table decorations that are too high are awkward, and those that are too low become monotonous to the eye.

No table decorations should obstruct the view of the guests (although at large, formal dinners, when the conversation cannot be general anyway, they may be tall). All tall decorations should be narrow (e. g. candles). Avoid over-decoration and inappropriate decorations. Don't crowd your table or make it look heavy. Discriminate between a formal party and an informal party, and adapt your decorations accordingly.

Keep in mind the color-scheme of your room, and the colors of the food in your menu, and harmonize the color of your table decorations with these.

Adapt your flowers to the type and proportions of your flower-container.

Centerpieces

Centerpieces are of infinite variety, their beauty and distinction being limited only by one's imagination and one's budget. Flowers are still— and probably always will be— the most lovely decoration for the center of the table. The fashion of supporting a few flowers in flower-holders in low silver or glass bowls makes possible simple and very effective arrangements.

Unusual effects may be obtained with central mirrors and with mirrored tables, with fruits, with formal combinations of flowers and fruits, with crystal trees and flowers, with deli- cate figurines, and even with amusing accessories of simple or elaborate kinds. But one must be careful that the designs built with unusual accessories are beautiful and appropriate and not simply bizarre.

Compote Dishes and Candles

To balance the centerpiece, decorative silver or glass-or gold!-compote dishes, two or four in number, are usually placed toward the ends of the table. These dishes, containing bonbons or mints or nuts, may be low, medium, or high, accord- ing to the proportion required by the other table decorations.

Four candles, or more if the table is very large, are used in candlesticks of glass or silver or fine china, and sometimes of pottery for an informal dinner on an Italian or Spanish table. Instead of candlesticks handsome silver candelabra may be placed on each side of the centerpiece.

The candles should be lighted before the guests enter the dining-room, and allowed to burn until they leave the dining- room, even if they stay so long in the dining-room that the candles burn down to their sockets!

The height of the candles should, of course, be adapted to the height of the candlesticks-very tall candles in low stand- ards, and shorter ones in the standard of average height. Low candlesticks with tall slender tapers are interesting and - tive, but their use is more appropriate to informal occasions. Formal functions seem to need the dignity of tall candlesticks.

Candles for formal dinner tables usually are the color of natural wax or, if that is not obtainable, of white. As a matter of fact, many hostesses use candles of this color on their tables for all their parties. Of course colored candles may be used to carry out a decorative scheme, and are festive and appro- priate for special occasions. Candles are now never shaded.— From “The American Woman’s Cookbook,” 1951

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Car Pool and Ride-share Etiquette

A car pool or ride-share arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

In large companies whose many employees come from far and near, car pools will usually spring up, formed by people who live in the same area and want to share commuting expenses. Either the members take turns driving their cars, or one member drives regularly and the others pay him their share of expenses. In either case the arrangement can lead to disagreements unless the members of the car pool observe rules of etiquette.

General rules of etiquette for the car pool. Here are some basic rules:

1. Be punctual. Driver and passengers must realize that to hold up the others is impolite and can cause them to be late. It is best to have a definite agreement on what the latest time is that the pool can leave, and to stick to it.

2. Let others know of a change in plans. It is inconsiderate to neglect to notify the others of a change in plans. Naturally, this is especially true when you are the driver, but it applies to passengers as well. Even if by agreement the group will leave at a given time if you don't arrive, it is polite to tell someone that you won't be there and save the group the wait and the uncertainty. For this reason it is best if each member has the phone number of the others.

3. Don't offend through personal habits. In the close quarters of an automobile, personal habits are accentuated, especially offensive ones. This makes it essential that you show extra care. To smoke a cigar, for example, would not be considerate unless you knew that no one in the pool would object. Insisting on a window seat or on some other preferred treatment will only create ill will.

When you are a passenger. As a rider in a car pool you have certain responsibilities toward the driver:

1. Respect the driver's property. Do not drop cigarettes or cigarette ashes on the upholstery. Close car doors gently. In short, treat the car you ride in as if it were your own.

2. Be prompt in payment. If yours is a pool where payment is involved, don't make the driver have to ask you for it. This can be an embarrassing situation for both of you. To avoid it, pay the driver promptly on the day agreed upon.

3. Don't ask the driver to be your private chauffeur. Even if you are paying for your ride, don't ask the driver to go out of his way to help you do any of your special errands. Of course, in an emergency this rule can be relaxed.

4. Help, or at least offer to help, the driver with emergency repairs. It is extremely inconsiderate to sit in the car while the driver is changing a tire or doing some other emergency work.

When you are the driver. If you are the driver in a car pool, you have special responsibilities, too:

1. Drive safely. The lives of your passengers are in your hands. Drive with prudence and remember that unnecessary sudden stops or jackrabbit starts can make the ride an uncomfortable and uneasy one for your riders.

2. Keep your car in good repair. Regular maintenance will pre- vent breakdowns that can greatly inconvenience both you and your riders. Don't leave broken windows, doors and the like in disrepair — an open window can defeat even the best car heater on a cold winter's day!

3. Make sure you have adequate insurance. Even if insurance is not compulsory in your state, make sure that you are protected against any liability that might arise out of an accident.

4. Make definite financial arrangements with your riders. If cash payments are involved in your car pool, each member should know exactly what he has to pay and when you expect him to pay it. Some people feel that it is polite to appear casual or reticent about these matters; actually, it is inconsiderate to be anything but clear. It only embarrasses your passengers when a mixup occurs because they weren't sure of the rules. — From, the “Business Etiquette Handbook,” by Parker Publishing Company Inc., West Nyack, NY

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Etiquette of Servants and Skewers

Swift, in his “Advice to Servants,” bade them “send up the meat well stuck with skewers to make it look round and plump.”

For centuries slender wooden skewers or skivers were used to fasten meat to the revolving spit and to preserve the shape of the joint while it was cooked. These giant pointed pins were cut from dogwood until about 1680, when lignum vitae began to be used. Handles were usually elaborately carved to facilitate removal from the meat. Swift, in his Advice to Servants, bade them "send up the meat well stuck with skewers to make it look round and plump." 

A mid-eighteenth century refinement was the introduction of silver skewers for this purpose. Wooden skewers held the meat while it was on the spit or in the oven, but, before serving, these were replaced by silver ones. Silver skewers were made in sets of varying lengths. The smaller, six or seven inches long, were used for game and small joints of meat. Skewers eleven to fifteen inches long were for larger joints. Such a skewer, thrust through the meat on the dish, offered a projecting top which served as a handle to aid the carver.

The earliest silver skewers, dating from the 1730s, were cut from flat plate. In shape, this design resembled a bodkin, with the faces of the blade flat and terminating in an elongated oval eye, soldered on, which aided its withdrawal from the meat. Such skewers are very scarce. By 1760 the oval loop terminal soldered to the blade might be moulded with a shell decoration. After about 1765 the blade was chamfered or bevelled, and this and the circular loop were cast as a single entity. From 1770 the skewer might be die struck with a decorative end, such as the shell and thread design, matching forks and spoons of the period.

A skewer was usually hallmarked close to the loop where the metal was about one-quarter of an inch thick. A crest might be engraved on the reverse. Counterfeiters have been known to transpose these marks to other articles of silver or to convert the silver into some more valuable article. — From “1500-1820 Three Centuries of English Domestic Silver,” Bernard & Therle Hughes, 1968

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Mote Spoon Etiquette and History

What have we here? A Georgian Era Tea Bowl and Tea Cup. – The tea bowl and tea cup are based on early Chinese tea cups and bowls with no handles, however it is a bit larger. This Georgian era cup is shown with 2 period mote spoons and Georgian “tea tongs” or sugar tongs, to better show the size.

The Georgian tea-equipage usually included a tea-strainer or mote-skimmer, mote being the old English word for a minute particle of foreign matter in food or drink. This dainty little tool was like a long-handled spoon. The barb or point on its slender stem was used for clearing the perforations at the base of the tea-pot spout, and the bowl, patterned with perforations, for skimming the infusion in the cup.

The London Gazette for 1697 refers to “long or strainer tea-spoons with narrow pointed handles.” They were known as “long tea spoons” throughout Queen Anne's reign.

The bowl had rat-tail strengthening and circular perforations, pierced bowls. Saw-pierced bowls, lacking the rat-tail, were of Georgian origin. Early examples were sold en suite with tea-spoons.

It has been suggested that the contemporary tea-pot spout was usually too boldly curved for the spear-topped stem to be thrust down it. This suggestion overlooks the fact that the juncture of spout and body was protected by a perforated tea-leaf strainer. At that period, according to John Worlidge and other contemporary writers, the tea leaves were dried whole.

After two or three minutes infusion in the pot “the leaves spread out to their former breadth and shape” and were liable to block up the perforations, obstructing the flow of tea into the spout. The spear-knop of the mote-skimmer was used to remove these from inside the perforations.

Another widespread misapprehension concerns the perforations in the bowl of the mote-skimmer. Some collectors consider these too large to collect tea dust. In this connection it must be remembered that Georgian tea contained all the foreign matter now extracted by mechanical means. Such as floated on the cup of tea could be removed in the skimmer bowl. The skimming was sometimes done by the “tea-blender”, usually the most presentable house-maid or parlour-maid, who had charge of the tea-table equipage, preparing the tea and handing a cup to each guest and member of the family. On less formal occasions, however, mote-skimming was each individual’s own concern. Giant specimens usually bear George III hallmarks and were designed for use with contemporary tea-urns.

Some collectors of “strainer spoons” express their belief that they were used in France as snail-spoons, shellfish-spoons and absinthe-spoons. While somewhat resembling the mote-skimmer, such spoons show certain dissimilarities of design in keeping with their different purposes. — From, “1500- 1820 Three Centuries of English Domestic Silver,” Bernard & Therle Hughes, 1968

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