Expected Edwardian Etiquette

You didn’t know? To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very distasteful to others, who also have achieved!

1. In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention to the form or features or dress of any one present.
2. In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining table it should be used very sparingly.
3. Better retire than be obnoxious to even the most fastidious.
4. Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing, whether in the home, or in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.
5. Do not touch anyone in order to arrest his attention, but address him.
6. To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.
7. Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for safety.
8. Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.
9. Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted. Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always thereafter be maintained.
10. Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.
11. Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement.
12. To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very distasteful to others, who also have achieved. – Edith Ordway 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Control

The Difference Between Controlling a Situation and Etiquette-fully
Being in a Situation

There is a sense of security that comes with feeling in control of a situation.  When your home is neat and clean, you may feel you are in command of your household.  When you know how to introduce yourself to people and aren’t shy about doing so, you may feel you can command a room at any gathering.  And when you are confident in your work, you feel secure in your job.

You’ve probably been in situations when you felt out of control.  As if you were sledding down a hill too fast, you reach the bottom and wonder, “What happened?”  Memories of situations when you felt out of control may not be so pleasant.

However, there are times when you are called upon to control a situation and times when you only need to be in a situation.  Etiquette can help you determine the difference.

Controlling a Situation

Self-command is an admirable quality.  When you have it, you know how to conduct yourself in various environments and situations.  You know appropriate things to say, you respond rather than react, and you maintain a friendly demeanor.

When you are nervous, you may tend to take over a situation rather than let others – who are doing just fine – handle it.  Jumping in when someone is doing something and taking over tends to escalate.  No one enjoys the feeling of being dominated by another person.

Fear is another culprit in feeling the need to be controlling.  We all know the person who wants to make sure a social situation goes well for others.  And so, you see them hovering over a guest with food and drink or lurking around conversations to finish sentences and interject to ensure everyone is laughing.  Sadly, this makes for a clumsy social gathering.

In a professional environment, one may fear that a project or situation won’t go well unless he directly oversees it.  Colleagues find him looking over shoulders, sending endless emails, and repeatedly going over checklists.  Unfortunately, the primary achievement of this behavior is earning a reputation for being a micromanager.

The Reality of Control

The things we can and cannot control are constantly shifting.  There are far too many elements at work in our lives to give us 100% command - other people, nature, and our own moments of carelessness.

However, there are some things you have the ability to control:

• How you prepare
• What you wear and how you present yourself
• What you say and do
• Your attitude
• Your decisions
• Your actions
• What you give attention to
• How you listen
• Your breathing  

We can all wish for more common sense as we gain experience and knowledge in work, relationships, and life.

How to “Be”

Most situations are entered into with a desire to enjoy yourself, add some value, and avoid feeling out of control or embarrassed.  But no situation requires you to dominate. 

If you are not the one called upon to lead, “take the floor,” or direct, then you are only asked to be present – and “etiquette-ful.”

Being etiquette-ful means you are aware that you are in the company of others.  Whatever your role is at the gathering, being kind, helpful, and respectful is bound to add an element of “upbeat” to any situation. 

Sometimes being etiquette-ful is knowing when to be quiet, understanding that all gatherings and situations aren’t going to be happy.  You are doing the best you can, given the givens, and know that others probably are trying to do that, too.

To “be” is to know when, why, and how you may need to control – or not.  Control should only be exercised to improve a situation.  Otherwise, etiquette requires that you only be present.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and One's Servants

Nell Ashley, Writing from a Reform School, Tells What Maids Endure from Sons and Husbands of the Fashionable Women Who Employ Them

What Shall Be Done to the House Sheik?

No one seems able to tell us why is it that a girl who goes into domestic service is looked down upon by folks inside and outside the home, while the girl who takes a business position if regarded with respect. While homemakers are theorizing about the scarcity of help, Nell Ashley, a high-school girl who became a personal maid in a rich home in order to save enough money to take a business course, comes right out with the facts. 

The true story of her experiences, published in February Smart Set reveals that there is need of a course in etiquette to teach men members of wealthy households, that the maids employed by their wives and mothers, are not there to satisfy their flirtatious desires. Here are interesting extracts from this disillusioned girl’s expose: 

“My mother, who had been a chorus girl, died when I was five years old. My Aunt Millie adopted me. She, herself, was a domestic servant. I graduated from High School when I was sixteen. That summer my aunt got me a position as chambermaid in the palatial country home of a New York millionaire. 

“It was hard work. My mistress was one of those women who are always having trouble with her servants, and in addition to my own duties, I often had to act as personal maid, parlor maid and kitchen girl. But I didn’t mind hard work, I was buoyed up by the prospect of entering business school in the fall.

“Toward the end of my vacation, the oldest son arrived. He was a student at Yale. He was nothing to write home about; a jolly, good-natured boy, full of the devil. He liked to tease me because I blushed so easy and I tried to keep out of his way as much as possible. 

“One morning as I was making his bed, he returned unexpectedly to get something. Suddenly he seized me in his arms and said jokingly, ‘Come on now, let me see you blush. Goldilocks!’

“Just at that moment his mother appeared in the doorway. ‘What does this mean?’ she demanded angrily. ‘You disgraceful creature! Pack your trunk and leave this house immediately.’ Bewildered, dazed, overcome with embarrassment, I stood motionless. ‘Have you no shame?’ She hissed the words, venomously like an angry snake, or a vicious cat. The young man protested halfheartedly. ‘It wasn’t her fault, Mother—really —’

“And it wasn’t. It was just as I have told you. But I have never been ready with a quick answer. I am stupid like that. And her sudden attack made me dumb. My tongue was paralyzed with fear. ‘What do you mean, lying here when I tell you to get out?' she screamed. The charming, perfectly poised society leader was a raging cat. Her friends wouldn’t have known her. 

“‘You ungrateful baggage! Wait until I tell your aunt about this. I will see that she commits you to an institution!’ “While I was packing, tears blinding my eyes, I heard a piece of paper being shoved under the door. It was a note from Mr. Harry, folded around a fifty dollar bill. ‘Sorry, Goldilocks, I can’t make mother listen to reason.’ it read. ‘In case you have nowhere to go, you can probably find a room at West 50th Street. Ask for Miss Brandon. She’s a friend of mine. Be sure and let me know your address anyhow.’

“I didn't hesitate to take that fifty dollars—my wages were being paid to my aunt, and I didn't have a cent of my own. Had I had time to think the matter over, I might have acted differently. As it was, I was terrified at the prospect of being sent to a ‘home.’ I took a train for New York.’’ 

Miss Ashley proceeds to relate how her victimization sent her to a reform school, when she was prepared for domestic service, which led to a fresh round of humiliation. — Madera Tribune, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Self Control

Control of the Impulses — "He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties."

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquility that the French admiringly call "sang froid." He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette – breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner. —Lillian Eichler

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Self-Control Are Contagious

Studies showed there is a direct effect of our friends' behavior on our own behavior, and the findings apply not only to the people we choose to hang out with, but those we are forced to hang out with, such as co-workers.

People you spend time with affect your behavior, for good or bad, research finds...

If you spend time with people who exhibit self-control -- resisting the death-by-chocolate cake after a restaurant meal, for instance -- you can expect your own self-control to be pretty good, too, according to new research. But the opposite seems true, too: Spending time with people with less-than-ideal self-control will influence you negatively, the researchers found.

"Before, we knew people tended to hang out with other people who were like themselves," said Michelle vanDellen, a visiting assistant professor of psychology at the University of Georgia, who led the research, which was published online in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

"But in these studies, we actually show there is a direct effect of our friends' behavior on our own behavior," vanDellen said. The findings apply, she said, "not only to the people we [choose to] hang out with, but those we are forced to hang out with," such as co-workers on the job.

The conclusions came from five studies conducted by vanDellen and her co-author, Rick Hoyle of Duke University.

The best study, she said, and the most fun, involved 71 participants and two plates of food -- one stacked with carrot sticks, the other with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The participants either watched someone exhibit self-control by eating the carrots and leaving the cookies, or vice versa. Later, the participants took self-control tests (not involving cookies and carrots). Those who had watched a person eat cookies did less well than those who had watched someone eat carrots.

In another study, the researchers found that 36 participants randomly assigned to think of a friend with good self-control persisted longer on a handgrip test used to measure self-control than did the participants assigned to think about a friend with bad self-control.

What about online behavior? Why are people so rude online? According to research from professors at Columbia University and the University of Pittsburgh, browsing Facebook lowers our self control. The effect is most pronounced with people whose Facebook networks were made up of close friends, the researchers say. Most of us present an enhanced image of ourselves on Facebook. This positive image—and the encouragement we get, in the form of "likes"—boosts our self-esteem. And when we have an inflated sense of self, we tend to exhibit poor self-control. "Think of it as a licensing effect: You feel good about yourself so you feel a sense of entitlement," says Keith Wilcox, assistant professor of marketing at Columbia Business School and co-author of the study. "And you want to protect that enhanced view, which might be why people are lashing out so strongly at others who don't share their opinions." These types of behavior—poor self control, inflated sense of self—"are often displayed by people impaired by alcohol," he adds. From WSJ.com

Another study involved assigning 42 people to list the names of friends with good and bad self-control. As the participants took a test designed to measure self-control, a name was flashed very briefly on a computer screen. Those who saw the name of a friend with good self-control did better on the test than those who saw the name of a friend with poor self-control.

The researchers also assigned 112 people to write about a friend with good self-control, a friend with bad self-control or an outgoing friend. Those who wrote about a friend with good self-control did best on a test of self-control, those who wrote about a friend with bad self-control did worst and those who wrote about an outgoing friend scored in between the others.

In the fifth study, 117 people were randomly assigned to write about friends with good or bad self-control. Those who wrote about a friend with good self-control did better on word identification tests related to self-control, the researchers found.

"I think the message is really two-fold," vanDellen said of the research. "The first is, one way you can improve your behavior is by finding social networkers that support you." It makes sense, she said, to seek out people you know have self-control if you want to boost your own.

The other message, she said, is accountability. The research suggests that others aren't just watching your behavior when you show a lack of self-control but might actually be influenced by it. If a woman's husband is trying to lose weight, for instance, the last thing she should do is act like a lazy person who doesn't exercise in front of him, she said.

The research findings make sense, said Connie Diekman, director of university nutrition at Washington University in St. Louis. "Surrounding yourself with motivated, healthy people improves your odds of staying in control," she said.

Diekman said that's certainly the case with healthy eating. "When it comes to making healthy choices, we know that it is easier to skip dessert, limit portions or purchase the right foods if others we are with support these behaviors," she said.

From a 2010 article in “Going Places,” and a 2012 article in WSJ.com 


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia