Social Slobs Have No Manners

Children should understand from an early age that notes of thanks should be written when gifts are sent or given to them. It’s heartbreaking when parents who have attempted to instill good manners in their child, or children, watch them ignore what they have been taught. It’s a shame they won’t discover that good manners can open doors and bring a wealth of opportunities into a young person’s life.

The Parents of a Social Slob

Dear Ann Landers: Our experiences in parenthood lead us to believe that whoever wrote "as the twig is bent..." was a bachelor. We have bent a lot of twigs through the years, but eventually they grew in the direction of their choice once the pressure of bending was released.

Being the parents of children who are social slobs is an embarrassment. We know we aren't the only ones, so perhaps this letter will end up on some refrigerator doors and bulletin boards. Here's the message: 

Dear Friends and Relatives: We know that not one of you who sent gifts for our son's 18th birthday and high school graduation has heard from him. We are deeply ashamed but decided not to nag him about it. We feel it is high time he accepted responsibility for his own thank-you notes. 

In the future, please do not feel obligated to send him a gift. Chastise him or continue your generosity as you wish. Also, if he doesn't RSVP to an invitation, invite someone else and notify him the day before the party that his place has been filled. Stop including him. If he doesn't return your calls, replace him with a more responsive friend and companion. 

We have done what we can to teach this young man decent manners, which are nothing more than consideration for others. When HE can't collect postal insurance without the embarrassment of asking if HIS gift arrived, maybe he will get the message. We are, of course, His Parents

Dear Parents: Thanks for a terrific letter. I applaud every word of it and recommend that others who find themselves in your position follow your example. — By Ann Landers, 1983

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Bar Etiquette Advice from 1990

Rockland, N.Y. won a baseball pool at the local pub. When he went to pick up his winnings, the bar owner asked if he was going to buy a round for the bar. He replied, “Why should I?” I don't know these people. The owner suddenly had an attitude problem and said, “That's not proper bar etiquette.” The question: “Was the bar owner right?”

Person, Place and Win Total Determine Bar Etiquette

Dear Readers: A while back I confessed that I didnt know much about bar etiquette and asked for some guidance from my savvy faithfuls. The heft of the mail convinced me that I had led a very sheltered life. 

Rockland, N.Y. won a baseball pool at the local pub. When he went to pick up his winnings, the bar owner asked if he was going to buy a round for the bar. He replied, “Why should I?” I don't know these people. The owner suddenly had an attitude problem and said, “That's not proper bar etiquette.” The question: “Was the bar owner right?” 

Here’s what the readers say: 

From Boston: “That bar owner was looking to beef up the day’s take. The standard practice is to buy drinks for the other members of the pool, not for every person in the place.” 

Hampton Roads, Va.: “I blew a lot of money in bars before I sobered up six years ago. Theres no such thing as bar etiquette. People do what they want to do. If a guy wins the pool and feels like buying drinks for the house, OK. If not, thats OK, too.”

 

Pittsburgh: “I owned a tavern and have run hundreds of pools. (In some states pools are illegal so both buyers and sellers have to be careful.) Normally, the bartender gets 5 percent of the winnings. The winner can buy drinks for the house if he wants to. Its not expected. The drinks could easily cost more than the winnings, and he might wind up in the hole if he's not careful.” 

Brooklyn: “Unfortunately, I happen to know a lot about bar etiquette.My advice to Rock (the guy who wanted to keep all the winnings) is to watch the game at home and go to the bar to collect at 10:30 the next morning.” 

Cincinnati: “Only a fool would offer to buy drinks for the house. I’ve seen this done and do you know what happens? The beer drinkers switch to Scotch and the winos suddenly develop a taste for double strawberry daiquiris.”

Burlington, Vt.: “I resent the bar owner trying to make the winner of the pool feel guilty. The winner is under no obligation to buy anybody anything. I’ve made that scene plenty and I wouldn't spend $50 on drinks for strangers unless I had won a pool at least three times that amount. A fool I am not.” 

Sacramento: “If a bartender handles the pool, he is entitled to a 10 percent tip. I’m in a few pools around town and one of them keeps 20 percent out for the United Way. Please don't use my name if you print my letter. My husband doesn't know I do this. He would be mad as hell.”

San Diego: “That cheap bum in New York burned me up. I’ll bet he wont be invited to be a part of any more pools. Word travels fast in the tavern circuit and guys who cheap out get passed over.” 

Orlando: “A few years ago in Las Vegas, after I lost my limit of $200, 1 stopped in a bar to drown my sorrow. I spotted a slot machine and bought a half dozen $ 10 rolls of quarters. Of course I lost it all. Like the drunk who goes from scotch to wine, I bought six $10 rolls of nickels. After getting down to my last roll, bells rang and neon lights flashed all over the place. I had hit the jackpot $450! When I handed the bartender $10, the guy next to me said, You must be from out of town. It’s customary to give the bartender 20 percent. I picked up the $10 bill, put down a $20 and walked out. Did I feel guilty? Nah!”

 From Ann Landers, syndicated advice columnist, 1990

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A 1920’s “Modern Etiquette” Sampling

Roberta Lee was a popular “Agony Aunt” who was syndicated in newspapers across the United States, answering random, but helpful, questions in her column, “Modern Etiquette” from the 1920’s through the 1960’s. Women at the time were often characterized as ditzy or flighty, like the popular comics’ page flirt, “Mopsy” (from the 1930’s through the 1960’s), and were not always taken seriously as journalists until the 1970’s and beyond.

“Modern Etiquette” of 1927 by Roberta Lee

Q. How should lobster claws be eaten?
A. They should be pulled apart and conveyed to the mouth by the fingers.

Q. Can one accept a second helping at the table if one wants it?
A. Yes, unless doing so makes the others wait.

Q. Are napkin rings still used?
A. No; they are out of date, except in the nursery.

Q. What rule governs the form of introduction?
A. It should be cordial and simple, but never careless or offhand.

Q. Is it proper for children to be introduced to adults?
A. Yes: children should be taught the significance of formal introductions.

Q. Is it bad taste to be demonstrative in public?
A. Very; well-bred people will avoid it.

Q. What are two subjects that always should be avoided in general conversation?
A. Religion and politics.

Q. In what way can a business man or woman get rid of a tiresome caller?
A. By rising, or by pleading a pressing business engagement.

Q. If a man finds himself by chance next to a woman of his acquaintance in the street car, should he offer to pay her fare? 
A. No.

Q. After attending the theater with a man, is it necessary for the woman to thank him for a pleasant evening?
A. No, unless he has in some way inconvenienced himself to be with her.

Q. If her next dance is promised, should the woman go to seek her partner?
A. No, she should wait until he comes to claim her.

Q. Should ushers at a wedding be friends of the bridegroom or of the bride?

A. The ushers are chosen from among the friends and relatives of either the bride or the groom.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hat Etiquette of 1940

Custom has changed the etiquette of tipping your hat to every lady you chance to meet. This is impractical, as you would soon wear your hat out. Nevertheless, the hat should be tipped when you meet a lady of your acquaintance, and should be taken off when in the theater, lobby of a hotel, church or an elevator.

Why must the men take off their hats?

And wave them shoulder-high, while the women smugly keep theirs on, when the flag is passing by? Why, in these days of “equal rights,” should this fact be always true? Men's hats come off when they meet the girls, why don't girls doff theirs, too?!?

The reason is that hats may be hats, but etiquette still differentiates between the customs of men and women. In other words, it is never necessary for women to tip their hats, while it is often the rule for a gentleman. 

The controversy arises as to whether the hat should be raised when a patriotic song, ether than the national anthem, is played. No, it is not necessary. The hat should be lifted only when the flag is passing or when “The Star-Spangled Banner” is played.

Custom has changed the etiquette of tipping your hat to every lady you chance to meet. This is impractical, as you would soon wear your hat out. Nevertheless, the hat should be tipped when you meet a lady of your acquaintance, and should be taken off when in the theater, lobby of a hotel, church or an elevator.

When you tip your hat to a lady, it need not be taken completely off, merely raised slightly. When the flag goes by the hat should be taken off and held over the heart. Of course, in public buildings, as the theater, it is a matter of convenience to take it off and hold it in your hand.

This bit of etiquette may seem very elementary to collegiates, but due to the fact hats are seldom worn on the campus, it is a good idea to check up on what to do when you do wear a hat.

Ladies need never remove their hats in public places, but it is a good idea to let the people in the show behind you see some of the picture instead of your New York creation.

So if you wear a reproduction of the leaning tower of Pisa or a similar style, remember we are all behind you! – Sally’s Social Slants in the Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Agony Aunt Greeting Etiquette

Some women are so naturally effervescent and affectionate that they have difficulty in restraining their enthusiasm when they meet a woman friend whom they have not seen for a long time.

Dear Miss Markel- I have a woman friend who always kisses me, even if our meeting takes place on the street. Isn't this considered bad taste? – Mrs. J.

Answer- Some women are so naturally effervescent and affectionate that they have difficulty in restraining their enthusiasm when they meet a woman friend whom they have not seen for a long time. The enthusiasm should not carry one to the extent of kissing in public places or at parties. While we should not restrain our natural vivacity upon meeting dear friends, we should curb the public kissing habit – which is greatly overdone, and frequently nothing more than form of affection. 


Dear Miss Markel - How long should the wedding party remain in the receiving line?- K. 

Answer - Until all of the guests have had time to greet the bride and groom. Then they go to the dining room, into which the bride and groom lead the way, followed by the best man and maids-of-honor, the bridesmaids and ushers coming last. - By Francine Markel, 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Tardy Dinner Guests

Tardiness for dinner being one of the cardinal social sins, the detained guest should certainly call his hostess on the telephone, explain his delay and insist that she shall not wait for him. On his arrival he should go to her and offer a profound apology.

How long should dinner wait for a tardy guest? This question I am asked continually.

Not more than 15 minutes at the most. Tardiness for dinner being one of the cardinal social sins, the detained guest should certainly call his hostess on the telephone, explain his delay and insist that she shall not wait for him. On his arrival he should go to her and offer a profound apology.

Reader's Questions Answered

Dear Miss Markel: Recently I was bridesmaid at the wedding of a close friend. I gave her a wedding gift. Do I have any other "musts" regarding this? –Anne

Answer: Wedding attendants, whether best man, maid of honor, bridesmaid or usher, owe a social call to the mother of the bride.

Courtesy and etiquette demand that within three weeks after the wedding you pay your respects in this manner to the family of the girl who was thoughtful enough to have included you among her very best friends.

All wedding guests, too, are expected to call. You might also entertain in honor of the bride and groom, if you wish. – Francine Markel, 1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and “Polite Notes”

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends.

Will you kindly advise the custom concerning letters of condolence and congratulation? Should letters be sent only to friends out of town, or may they be used between friends in the same city? Are letters of condolence better than a call? – ANXIOUS

Letters of condolence are always proper, no matter whether to a person living out of town or in one’s home city. A card with the word “sympathy” or “to inquire” left at the house of mourning is always good form, for, of course, only the nearest and dearest friends see a bereaved family; but afterward they look at the cards and letters and deeply appreciate all who have thought of them in their sorrow. 

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends. The good book says “rejoice with those who do rejoice and weep with those who mourn,” or words to that effect, and it is a pretty good maxim to follow.– From Madame Merri, 1912 

 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Pushy Teenaged Girls

By the 1950’s, the novel automobiles and telephones from a short 70 years earlier had entered everyone’s homes and garages. At about that same time, the chaperones of young women had long exited the scene in most of the United States. It became more and more common for assertive young women to call young men on the phone and they began reversing the traditional, acceptable roles and doing the pursuing. But at what point did teenaged girls make the leap from being assertive and outgoing socially,  to being aggressive and rude? It was a quick evolution from women entering the work force en masse, to take traditionally male jobs in WWII, to the slow simmering of the roots of the Women’s Liberation Movement. Below is a prime example of what one modern teenaged girl had become by the end of the 1950’s.

DEAR DOROTHY DIX: Was I born 30 years too soon? Our 18-year-old son has been going steady with a 17-year-old girl for the past year. The young lady in question comes to our home looking for him when he's not at her house, she calls him to take her to school or on other errands, and even asked to accompany us on our vacation this summer. Her mother seems to encourage her aggressive attitude. I wonder whether common courtesy has died? I've always enjoyed having our children's friends in our home but this young lady seems to be a problem. – Worried Mother 

DEAR MOM: You've undoubtedly been told a hundred times that "times have changed since you were young," "things aren't done like that any more," etc... We'll all agree that times have changed but the qualities underlying common courtesy and graciousness have not changed. Your son's girl friend is a brash young thing, who has never been taught mannerliness and will never develop into a gracious and charming woman. 

She has the instinct of a savage she must get her man at any price and hold him against all comers. The best protection you can give your son against this predatory female is to show him, by example, that this is not the way girls behave. Your daughters can help. Maybe the girl will absorb some of your charm; she certainly isn't learning any from her own mother. And for your comfort, may I offer the suggestion that most teen-age romances are passing fancies. – Dorothy Dix, 1958

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Nell Drake on Manners, 1943

At a perfectly managed wedding, the bride arrives exactly one minute after the hour to give a last comer time to find a place. 

1. CAN YOU GIVE ME the details of etiquette at lunches?- N.D.G., Eagle Rock

Men leave their coats and hats in the hall; women leave heavy outer wraps in the hall or dressing room, but always go into the drawing room with their hats and gloves on. They wear their fur neckpieces and carry their muffs in their hands, if they choose, or they leave them in the hall or dressing room. 

But women of best taste never take off their hats. Even the hostess herself almost invariably wears a hat at a formal luncheon in her own house, though there is no reason why she should not be hatless if she prefers, or if she thinks she is prettier without! Guests, however, do not take off their hats at a lunch party even in the country. They take off their gloves at the table, or sooner if they choose.

2. WHAT IS CONSIDERED a perfectly managed wedding?- T.C., Santa Monica.

At a perfectly managed wedding, the bride arrives exactly one minute after the hour to give a last comer time to find a place. Two or three servants have been sent ahead to wait in the vestibule to help the bride and bridesmaids off with their wraps and hold them until they are needed after the ceremony.

The groom’s mother and father also are waiting in the vestibule. As the auto of the bride's mother drives up, an usher goes as quickly as he can to tell the groom. Any brothers or sisters of the bride or groom, who are not to take part in the wedding procession and have arrived in their mother’s automobile, are now taken by ushers to their places in the front pews. Then the wedding ceremony begins. 

3. WHAT GOES INTO the making of a really successful saleswoman?-C.B, Los Angeles.

Really great saleswomen have not only cultivated an expert knowledge of the commodities they sell, but an equally expert ability to appraise the customers to whom they sell. It is essential to know, therefore, whether a customer likes to be “dearied” or “madamed,” or chatted to about every topic under the sun to camouflage the sales talk; and whether she is one who likes to have her mind made up for her, or whether she is one who, knowing exactly what she wants, prefers to have her own questions answered intelligently, but does not want any unasked for advice.

But above all saleswomen, the one an intelligent customer is certain to like best... the one in-fact to whom she always returns, is one who listens to what she says and tries to give her what she wants, instead of trying to sell her what the store seems eager to be rid of.– By Nell Drake, L.A. Daily News, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A New “Agony Aunt” Arrived

“Agony Aunts” have been popular in newspapers and magazine since the late 1800’s. Men and women usually wrote under fictitious names in the 1920’s, but James Samuel Lacy wrote under his real moniker. Being an educator, his focus was on children and parenting. Many of his columns focused on manners and morals. This was posted in the San Pedro News Pilot in 1929, announcing the new feature and requesting letters from parents. We have several of his columns and  advice already posted in our archives. – “Has your experience with your own children in guiding them to paths of beauty and service given you an insight into problems of child training which you would be willing to share with other parents?”

Tuning in With Our Children

By James Samuel Lacy, Chairman of School Education

Do questions arise in connection with the guidance of your children which you would be glad to discuss with a friend who will listen with a sympathetic understanding? James Samuel Lacy is that friend.

Has your experience with your own children in guiding them to paths of beauty and service given you an insight into problems of child training which you would be willing to share with other parents?

Send a report of such successful experience to James Samuel Lacy who conducts Tuning In With Our Children, a feature appearing daily in the pages of this news paper. Your ideas, no doubt, may serve to help other parents, who find themselves confronted with a dilemma as to the proper procedure for their children's best interests.

Tuning In With Our Children is for all fathers and mothers, and for all friends of children everywhere. This is your column. We want you to use it and the expert service of its author to the fullest extent.

Address James Samuel Lacy, care of this newspaper.– San Pedro News Pilot

State Chairman of School Education of The California Congress of Parents and Teachers

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Invitation Etiquette

 

What Readers Ask: “I am to be married the end of this month and my mother says that, as a matter of war time economy, she thinks we can get along without engraved invitations. Still, I am to be married in church and am to have about fifty guests all of whom, are to be invited to a little breakfast after the wedding. Won’t you write and tell us that engraved invitations are necessary so that my mother will see her mistake? She doesn’t seem to think I know.” 

I am sorry for your sake that I cannot say that the invitations must be engraved. At formal weddings they are usually engraved but there is not the least reason in the world why personal notes written, by your mother would not answer the purpose. Of course, the invitations should come from her and not from you and if she would rather write fifty notes in order to save the cost of the engraved invitations for some good war relief work, I think you should be content. 

I recall the case of a young friend of my own whose wedding invitations were written by her mother, although they were persons of really large fortune. They did it in this way because the young girl wanted to invite all her school and college friends rather than friends of her family whom she did not know and the notes were in keeping with the informality of the affair. 

The written notes, to be a success, should be well written, of course, and on white a paper of very good quality. Since they are to be thus informal it is better to word them informally— not using the third person—and of course they should be sent only to intimate friends of your own or your mother’s, or your fiance’s. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette When a Young Man Calls

“When a gentleman acquaintance calls on a lady for the first time, presenting her with a box of candy and the parents are present at the time in the parlor, is it necessary to open the box and treat always?”

What Readers Ask: “When a gentleman acquaintance calls on a lady for the first time, presenting her with a box of candy and the parents are present at the time in the parlor, is it necessary to open the box and treat always? Is it necessary for the parents to meet the young man at his first calling? What would be most proper to say on the parents’ leaving?”

It is not positively necessary to open the box of candy and treat, but it is a courteous thing to do. The person who brings you the candy usually likes to see you enjoy it. To the second question, emphatically yes. The parents need not remain in the parlor or reception room throughout the call.

If they know the young man caller to be a suitable acquaintance for their daughter, they may leave, pleading the excuse of wishing to read, write a letter or something of that sort. If they do n not intend to return to the room again, the father or mother should express pleasure at having met the young man and the hope that they might meet again. If they simply adjourn to an adjoining room they need make no excuse, but when the young man leaves they should return to bid him goodnight.

A young man's first call should always be short, never exceeding three quarters of an hour. Remember that theoretically the parents of the young girl are the hosts when a young man calls, and not the young girl he calls upon. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Young Women and Chivalrous Men

Don't belittle masculine chivalry by violating these rules of etiquette.

A young miss who is taken out by an escort for the first time to dine is reminded that it is a gentleman's prerogative to order for her. Although this piece of advice is directed to the youngster, there are older women who might also profit from the tip. According to masculine squawks, too many women for get that a man does the honors when he takes a lady guest out to dine.

A man not only orders a restaurant meal for his guest but he relays to the waiter any questions which she wishes to ask concerning the food listed on the menu. Don't belittle masculine chivalry by violating these rules of etiquette.

Etiquette also decrees that a man calls out the address to the driver when he accompanies a woman in a taxi. Even if you know the address and your boyfriend doesn't, you permit him to exercise his masculine prerogative by telling him where you are going and allowing him in turn to inform the cabbie.— Nell Drake, 1948

🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Agony Aunt Chastises Young Men

“O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.”

I am in receipt of a letter from one Dame Durden, spinster, who is anxious to be allowed some little space in the Sunday issue of this paper, in which to express her sentiments as regards the treatment of her “pets.” Be it known that Dame Durden is the “Friend of Woman.” Some of her “girls” have been confiding their woes to her of late and have prevailed upon her to publicly express her views. It is with great pleasure that I allow Dame Durden space in my particular column.– The Society Editor

NOTE– Men, don't tell the young ladies who told you, but Dame Durden is, to my certain knowledge, as fond of and as ready to uphold you as she is the said young ladies, and should they, during this their year, in any way mistreat you, I will just as willingly donate my column in your behalf as theirs. – The Society Editor

SAN BERNARDINO, Feb. 5. I am passé. The saddest moment of my life was the one in which this fact came home to me. But this does not prevent my having some of the dearest friends one could wish for, and among the most cherished are some of this season’s “buds.” The young ladies all come to Dame Durden for consolation and advice. And no one takes more pleasure in their pleasures than I. 

About 11 o'clock last Saturday morning I went over to G’s house to learn all about the ball given the evening before. I found my dear little friend in tears. On asking the cause of all this sorrow, she led the way, silently, to her own room, and there on the bed lay her newest evening gown– ruined. She held up the once dainty waist, and could some of the beaux of that ball have heard the tirade (uttered be tween sobs) against them, they would, I am sure, have pitied poor little G.

“O, how I hate them! (Sobs) Every last one, although I'm not sure just which one did do it!" (More sobs) And she showed me the once gauze-covered sleeve with the gauze hanging in strings, and amid more and more of those sobs told me how she had gone there after three hours’ primping and how all the neighbors who came in to see her ready for the “fray,” as it afterward proved, told her she looked “like a dream.” “But you should have seen me when I got home!” And she went on to tell how one man in particular took hold of her as tho’ for protection more than anything else, and tugged away at her dainty sleeve until– well, you could only realize it all by a look at that sleeve.

And the back of that beloved gown was next displayed– I know there must have been an hundred handprints there. O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.– “Dame Durden,” The Weekly Sun, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Christmas Gift Giving Etiquette

“A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts…is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time.”
 -Image source, Pinterest

The Evening Chit-Chat: A Christmas Quandary

A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts has written her a little note, telling her that she is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time. My letter friend’s quandary is this: 

“I don’t like the idea that Christmas gifts are just an exchange. If I assent to her plan and do not give her any thing this year, that will look as if it had always been a kind of barter to me. I would rather give her something this year without letting her know beforehand that I am going to do it and drop the thing next year. It seems less calculating to me. Don't you think this is the best way out?”

Frankly, my friend, I don't. 

Put yourself in her place. She wants you to relieve her from the embarrassment of having nothing to give you by not giving her anything. If you give her something, you force that embarrassment upon her. Will the pleasure of receiving what you have to give, cancel the pain she will feel at being empty-handed? Probably not. Then, is it generous, is it worthy of the spirit of Christmas to put your dislike of the thought of barter above her sense of humiliation at receiving without giving? Perhaps it might show a finer spirit in her to be above that, sense of humiliation, but few of us have reached the happy height where we can give or receive according to the position in which we happen to be placed, and ; be equally dignified and gracious and content in either position. 

And if you really dislike that sense of barter and not merely the appearance of barter, and really want to give your friend some material symbol of your affection, why not give it just the same, even if you do not give it at Christmas, which has become so emphatically the day of reciprocal gift giving? Why not send your gift Easter or St. Valentine’s Day? Or why wait for any special day? There are three hundred and sixty-five days every year when the spontaneously offered gifts of a friend are welcome. Indeed, I think the gifts that come unexpectedly are rather more delightful than the formal kind. To have the postman bring some totally unexpected little package lights up a whole day with the pleasure of the surprise and the warm sense of kindly feeling behind it. – By Ruth Cameron, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Etiquette Advice of 1917

Among members of certain churches weddings conventionally always take place in church. That is a matter of church ruling, not of etiquette, however. 

What Readers Ask…

Q. ‘‘Is it more correct to be married in church or in one’s own house? I live in an apartment without an elevator, and, though I think it is nicer to be married at home, I don't know how it would seem to ask the guests to walk up two flights of stairs.” 

A.  “Whether you are married in Church or at home, is largely a matter of personal taste. Among members of certain churches weddings conventionally always take place in church. That is a matter of church ruling, not of etiquette, however. Your guests will not mind the stairs, I am sure. If it is your home, it is the best possible place—outside of a church—where you could be married.” – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette with Physical Challenges

 

(Above) A pie, pickle or even a “Nelson fork” — Some fork designs were sold for different purposes in different regions of the U.S. and in Europe. Other utensils were modified a bit to suit new foods, as foods that were considered delicacies, fell into and out of, fashion. A “Nelson fork” was a fork adapted for eating with one hand, after British Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson lost his arm while fighting Napoleon at Tenerife.

Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat apposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life’s most difficult adjustments. 

Of course, I didn’t and don’t now know his story. I didn’t have to him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone, in a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the Individual himself can make. Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide it he is going to go right along with it.

 DECISION COMES FIRST 

This decision must come first. And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things. There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap. When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place. 

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE 

He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn’t stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact, I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor. I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don’t believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn’t need either. – Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hotel or Lunchroom Table Etiquette

The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one's plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.

Dear Mrs Adams,

Kindly advise me on the following questions relative to table etiquette in hotels and lunchrooms:

1. How to use napkin.
2. Where to place individual dishes such as bread, butter, water, fish, so on to salad.
3. When dishes are placed by a waiter, should they be moved to suit one’s convenience,
4. How to eat different bread stuffs, such as biscuit and hot rolls.
5. What to do when one does not care for courses that are brought on.
6. Is one supposed to eat from side dishes or dinner plate?
7. When a waiter brings courses ‘round should I take them off of the tray and place them on the table, or should the waiter?
8. How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?


1. The napkin is taken from the table, unfolded and laid across the knees. At the close of the meal, it should be placed unfolded, a little to the side of one’s plate.
2. The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one’s plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.
3. Yes, in an unobtrusive manner.
4. Bread, biscuit or rolls are eaten in the same manner. A piece is broken off each time one wishes to convey any to the mouth.
5. The best way to do this is to make a pretense of eating it, or to continue eating bread or crackers, so that you will not make yourself conspicuous by sitting back and not eating. Of course, if you are asked whether you would care for a certain dish when the order is given, you can then give your explanation.
6. If small portions are brought in on side dishes, you should take the food directly from them.
7. Leave the amount you desire to give the waiter on the tray when he brings your change. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Dance Programs

Mrs. Chester Adams requests her friends to bring to her their Social Problems and Perplexities by letter at any time

Dear Mrs Adams,

Will you kindly tell me if it is proper for a hostess to provide programs when giving a large dance? What kind should they be, and when should they be given out? —A Reader


Dance programs are still very much in vogue for large entertainments, and either a card with gilt edges or a small sheet of bristol board, folded once, is provided, and also a small pencil, attached to the card or sheet by a silk cord or ribbon. They either are placed in the dressing rooms, convenient to the guests to help themselves, or they are offered by a servant from a silver tray as the guests enter the ballroom. — Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Agony Aunts

Numerous “Agony Aunts” have given advice to readers of magazines and newspapers throughout the late 19th, the 20th and now into the 21st centuries. Even the popular period drama, “Downton Abbey,” had an Agony Aunt of its own, offering advice to women in Edith’s magazine. Butler for the Dowager Countess, Septimus Spratt, wrote under a female pseudonym. 

Agony Aunt, Anne Singleton, Gives Advice Passed Down from Her Aunts

“Dear Miss Singleton:

In writing a note to accept an invitation, one should say ‘I accept with pleasure.’ Or ‘I have pleasure in accepting.’ The act of accepting is not in the future, but in the present so ‘I shall be delighted to accept’ is wrong. 

Sincerely yours, A. H. L.” 

And so it is technically wrong, and often enough my aunts have called the same to my attention in early youth! But by the almost universal sanction of custom (and smart custom at that), this mode of expression has assumed a correctness which, as my correspondent points out, is not a true one. We project ourselves into the future when we say, “shall be delighted to accept” and imagine ourselves already at the party. We should say, “I shall be delighted to dine, dance, or play cards with you.” But “I accept with pleasure your kind invitation to dine, dance or play cards.” 

 A. H. L. is right, and I entirely agree with her. I was so carried away by the “will” and “shall” illustration, and so accustomed to the rather casual social usage of today, that it never struck me as incorrect. Alas, I am many years away from my aunts’ accurate teaching. Under their tuition, I learned to say “In the street,” never “On the street” one lived on a road, but in a street because the houses formed the street. To this day, I feel guilty when I find myself using any other forms of expression than those they approved. — San Bernardino Sun, 1931

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia