Etiquette, Honesty and Integrity

In a world full of old and new etiquette books, we highly recommend the late-Amy Vanderbilt’s books. They can hold many treasures, not the least of which is terrific etiquette advice!

The Proper Etiquette? 

Return the Money

DENVER (AP) - A garage sale buff who found $475 inside a copy of Amy Vanderbilt's book on “Everyday Etiquette” didn't need the late Ms. Vanderbilt to advise her on the proper thing to do. 

Robin A. located the book's former owner, Francis T., 14 years after Mrs. T. hid it there in an old Easter card, and returned the money.

Ms. A. was flipping through books at the garage sale sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation on Aug. 17 when she came upon the Vanderbilt guide to proper everyday behavior.

As she thumbed through the book the card fell out, with the cash stuffed inside. Ms. A. noted the name and address on the card, bought the book and contacted Mrs. T., who lives in northwest Denver.

Mrs. T. said she had hidden the money inside the card 14 years ago, put it in the book and forgot all about it. She gave Ms. A. a $75 reward. – The Desert Sun, 1985

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Respect for Others

“We can't get rid of her. We've insulted her, ignored her, done just about everything but she still tags along. What can we do?” — Outrageous behavior on the parts of these three girls! Rudeness is inexcusable behavior to someone new you meet, regardless as to whether or not you wish to develop a friendship. “The Golden Rule,” honesty and showing some respect for others would be the best policy in a situation such as this one. Treat everyone as you would like to be treated.

DOROTHY DIX: We three girls have been friends for years. Recently a new girl came to our school and attached herself to our small group. We can't get rid of her. We've insulted her, ignored her, done just about everything but she still tags along. What can we do? —Dianne

DEAR DIANNE: It's much easier lo travel in a quartet than in a trio. Why be so selective? This girl is lonesome and frightened of her new school and different companions. She needs someone and has chosen ycur particular group as her idea of the best girls in school. Why not live up lo the honor? Be friends to this friendless youngster. Help her over the hurdle of getting accustomed to new surroundings. Encourage her lo overcome her shyness. Give her self-confidence. Some day you, too, may need a friend.— Dorothy Dix, 1958

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “B”-ing

Be Plucky. The faint-hearted rarely know what it is to win place and power.

A Swarm of Household B's

in Six Brief Texts and a Half-Dozen Short Sermons

1. Be Honest. “Honesty is the best policy,” Quixotically speaking.
2. Be Plucky. The faint-hearted rarely know what it is to win place and power.
3. Be Earnest. Be earnest in doing good and just as earnest in not doing anything bad.
4. Be Watchful of yourself as well as of others, for “all will bear watching.”
5. Be Patient, and don't allow impatient folks to draw away your own stock of patience.
6. Be Content. If “a contented mind is a continual feast,” be careful not to go hungry from discontent. — Good Housekeeping, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Fortunes Told

“What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous.  – Reading palms, tea leaves, cards and consulting one’s planets through astrology, enjoyed great popularity as social pastimes in the last few decades of the 19th century and early decades of the 20th century. These pseudosciences, along with Tarot cards and other forms of divination, were promoted in most etiquette books from the late 1800’s. Sadly, the art of tactfully giving one’s social circle any of one’s terrible predictions of “doom and gloom” seen in the palm, a crystal ball or cards, was never mentioned.

Philosophy of Palmistry - Logic Wasted on Those Who Consult Fortune-Tellers

Last week a poor egotistical creature, who had been employed as a barmaid, drowned herself, chiefly, as would seem from her letters, on account of the sinister predictions which she read in her palm, combined with her ‘‘planets.” No doubt this girl was weak-minded, if not actually insane, but there is a good deal in her case worth thinking about, says a writer in London Truth. Some years ago, when I conducted some researches into palmistry with the assistance of a lady who claimed to be an expert in that craft, I put the question to her: “What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous. 

This is all very well but no one can prevent people who dabble in palmistry or astrology or other occult means of reading the future from discovering their own fate for themselves. Those who discover by such means that the outlook for them is very black may not all commit suicide, like the unfortunate barmaid, but such knowledge is bound to have an injurious effect on all but persons of the toughest moral fibre, and persons of the toughest moral fibre, I may remark, are not in the habit of dabbling in the occult sciences. As a rule, fortune-telling in its various shapes, is chiefly denounced as a swindle and a means of obtaining money under false pretenses, but I question whether the moral mischief which may result from efforts to ascertain what the future has in store for us may not be far worse than any trifling financial loss. 

Nothing is more certain than it is to the advantage of mankind on the whole act to know the future. In saying this, I do not lose sight of the fact that it would be a profitable thing to many to know, for instance, who is going to win the next year's Derby, or the price at which any particular stock will stand at the end, of the next account. That knowledge, however, can only be profitable so long as it is in the exclusive possession of one or two individuals. If it were made accessible to all, the knowledge of the future would cease to have any more value than the knowledge of the past. On the other hand, the knowledge of the coming misfortune —if it is so preordained that it can be predicted—can only have a demoralizing effect, and on the whole, life has generally as much of the unpleasant as of the pleasant in store, for the majority of humankind. – San Diego Union News, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Unclassified Laws of Etiquette

From “Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms: Guide to Correct Writing with Approved Methods in Speaking and Acting in the Various Relations of Life” 

 Thomas E. Hill, 1875

Hill's Unclassified Laws of Etiquette

• Never exaggerate.
• Never point at another.
• Never betray a confidence.
• Never leave home with unkind words.
• Never neglect to call upon your friends.
• Never laugh at the misfortunes of others. 
• Never give a promise that you do not fulfill.
• Never question a child about family matters.
• Never send a present, hoping for one in return.
• Never speak much of your own performances.
• Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed.
• Never make yourself the hero of your own story.
• Never pick the teeth or clean the nails in company.
• Never fail to give a polite answer to a civil question.
• Never present a gift saying that it is of no use to yourself.
• Never read letters which you may find addressed to others.
• Never fail, if a gentleman, of being civil and polite to ladies.
• Never call attention  to the features or form of anyone present.
• Never refer to a gift you have made, or favor you have rendered.
• Never associate with bad company. Have good company, or none.
• Never look over the shoulder of another who is reading or writing.
• Never call a new acquaintance by their first name unless requested.
• Never appear to notice a scar, deformity, or defect of anyone present.
• Never arrest the attention of an acquaintance by touch. Speak to him.
• Never punish your child for a fault to which you are addicted yourself.
• Never answer questions in general company that have been put to others.
• Never, when traveling abroad, be over boastful in praise of your own country.
• Never lend an article you have borrowed, unless you have permission to do so.
• Never attempt to draw the attention of the company constantly upon yourself.
• Never exhibit anger, impatience or excitement, when an accident happens.
• Never pass between two persons who are talking together, without an apology.
• Never enter a room noisily; never fail to close the door after you, and never slam it.
• Never forget that, if you are faithful in a few things, you may be ruler over many.
• Never exhibit too great familiarity with the new acquaintance, you may give offense.
• Never will a gentleman allude to conquests which he may have made with ladies.
• Never be guilty of the contemptible meanness of opening a private letter addressed to another.
• Never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.
• Never neglect to perform the commission which the friend entrusted to you. You must not forget.

• Never send your guest, who is accustomed to a warm room, off into  a cold, damp, spare bed, to sleep.
• Never enter a room filled with people, without a slight bow to the general company when first entering.
• Never fail to answer an invitation, either personally or by letter, within a week after the invitation is received.
• Never accept of favors and hospitality without rendering an exchange of civilities when opportunity offers.
• Never cross the leg and put one foot in the street-car, or places where it will trouble others when passing by.
• Never fail to tell the truth. If truthful, you get your reward. You will get your punishment if you deceive.
• Never borrow money and neglect to pay. If you do, you will soon be known as a person of no business integrity.
• Never write to another asking for information, or a favor of any kind, without enclosing a postage stamp for the reply.
• Never fail to say kind and encouraging words to those whom you meet in distress. Your kindness may lift them out of their despair.
• Never refuse to receive an apology. You may not receive friendship, but courtesy will require, when a apology is offered, that you accept it.
• Never examine the cards in the card-basket. While they may be exposed in the drawing room, you are not expected to turn them over unless invited to do so.
• Never, when walking arm in arm with a lady, be continually changing and going to the other side, because of change of corners. It shows too much attention to form.
• Never insult another with harsh words when applied to for a favor. Kind words do not cost much, and yet they may carry untold happiness to the one to whom they are spoken.
• Never fail to speak kindly. If a merchant, and you address your clerk; if an overseer, and you address your workman; if in any position where you exercise authority, you show yourself to be a gentleman by your pleasant mode of address.
• Never attempt to convey the impression that you are a genius, by imitating the faults of distinguished men. Because certain great men were poor penmen, wore long hair, or had other peculiarities, it does not follow that you will be great by imitating their eccentricities.
• Never give all your pleasant words and smile to strangers. The kindest words and the sweetest smiles should be reserved for home. Home should be our heaven.