Post vs. Vanderbilt on 1950s Etiquette

Emily Post felt that employers may be embarrassed if a pregnant woman was working him an office. Amy Vanderbilt strongly disagreed. Lucile Ball broke a barrier on her hit television show by showing herself pregnant on screen in 1952. According to ScreenRant.com, “As one of the first hit TV series, I Love Lucy had to tread the murky waters in establishing what networks, censors, and audiences would and wouldn't accept on TV.  When Lucille Ball, the actress who played lead character Lucy Ricardo, got pregnant, the series had to figure out how to handle an expectant mother on TV. Luckily for the network, Ball was married to co-star Desi Arnaz, who played her TV husband Ricky Ricardo, meaning that there was little scandal with the actress being pregnant, only how to present it to viewers. The major problem that CBS had with the pregnancy was not the state of Lucy, but with the word pregnancy itself. Noted as a medical and indecent word, CBS refused to allow the word to be spoken on screen. Dancing around the facts for the whole episode, and even using the French word for pregnancy, "Enceinte" in the title, in the last moments of the episode Lucy tricked her husband into figuring out that they were in the family way. 55 years later, ‘Knocked Up’ premiered. We've come a long way.”– Image source, Pinterest

To the Ladies: From the Editor

Emily Post, arbiter of etiquette, lays down the rule: “If a pregnant woman works in a small office she can stay at work, provided it does not embarrass her employer. But in a large office, she should leave when her condition becomes obvious.”

Amy Vanderbilt, another authority on etiquette, who says that she herself worked in a big office until six weeks before the birth of her second son, disagrees, contending that “this is a completely accepted thing to-day.”

The turning point so far as etiquette is concerned, Amy Vanderbilt says, was during World War II, when women were desperately needed in their jobs.

Obstetricians, according to the New York Times, “are all but unanimous in praise of the trend. There is nothing harmful about a pregnant woman working, they say, provided she feels comfortable about it.”

The main problem, it seems, in many cases is transportation to and from work. In crowded buses and streetcars women have found that there is not a vast number of cavaliers who will offer a seat to a pregnant woman.

One woman who worked until three days before delivery reported that other women occasionally gave their seat. But male travelers: “Never!” Guess Mothers’ Day, like Christmas, comes only once a year – The East Bay Labor Journal, 1958

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Bridal Etiquette and Thanks

In 1957, Amy Vanderbilt wrote that no one may write notes of thanks for the bride. Wrote Vanderbilt, “It is a social responsibility she alone must fulfill.” But a more modern etiquette has evolved since then, and it is refreshingly common for new spouses to assist one another in writing notes of thanks for wedding gifts they receive. We believe Amy would approve!

Q. “What is the most frequent error that brides make?”

A. People can smile tolerantly and forgive any little mistakes that can easily happen at a wedding or a reception. But the thing they are most often deeply hurt by is the bride’s failure to acknowledge their wedding gifts promptly and properly. It is never correct to send printed cards of thanks for wedding gifts.

Wedding gifts should always be acknowledged with handwritten notes as soon after their receipt as possible, within 3 months at the very outside. They may be short, but they should be sincere, appreciative, and should mention the gift itself, even where literally hundreds of gifts have been received. And no one may write them for the bride. It is a social responsibility she alone must fulfill. –Amy Vanderbilt, 1957 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Things to Retrain From

Here at Etiquipedia, we are big fans of the common sense manners which Amy Vanderbilt espoused and encouraged, through her numerous books and syndicated columns.

Rules of Etiquette That Don’t Change

By Amy Vanderbilt

As my readers know, I have a large collection of very old etiquette books and keep adding to it during the course of my travels in this country and abroad. Just recently in Ireland I was given a copy of an English etiquette book that, although undated, seems to have been published about 1902. It is called “Etiquette for Women.” One section lists “Things to Retrain From.” I was interested to see how well most of these rules stand up and are today good American manners, too. 

Here they are, just as they appeared in that old book I brought back from Dublin: 

• “Don’t talk of your pedigree, save in the bosom of your own family, and then only indulge yourself once in a lifetime.”
• “Don’t, whatever the fashion may be, wear a lot of jewelry.” 
• “Don’t wear a number of diamonds 0r other precious stones by day. It is not in good taste.” 
• “Don’t speak to attendants in shops as your servants, or anyone in an inferior position in life to yourself, as though they were dogs; neither gush at them, nor be familiar.”
• “Maintain a genial dignity, and a gracious kindness and consideration, which will win esteem and respect.”
• “Don’t mention names when talking in public about persons you know; a near friend 0r relative of those you are chattering about, may be overhearing the conversation. ”
• “Don’t eat in the street.”
• “Don't ever have dirty nails, soiled handkerchiefs, or soiled linen.” 
• “Don’t use quantities of perfume.”
• “Don’t behave in the street in a way to attract attention by railing about; attitudinizing, or shrieking with laughter.” 
• “Don’t be profuse with terms of endearment and kisses in public.” 
• “Don't if a friend mispronounces a word, immediately pronounce it in the correct way; it will probably hurt his or her feelings very much.” 
• “Don't push your plate away when you have finished eating.”
• ‘‘Don’t use a knife when eating an entree or hors d’œuvre if a fork will do.”
• “Don’t use a knife when eating rissoles of any kind, or minced meats; or curry.”
• “Don’t when you are served, wait until everyone else is served also before beginning to eat; neither must you attack the meat on your plate until you have the accompanying vegetables and sauces.”
• “Don’t mistake a haughty, overbearing manner for an air of good breeding, either in yourself or your fellow creatures.”

My friend and fellow columnist, Mrs. Walter Ferguson, wrote recently that this is an age of vulgarity. Many of these old, sound rules of good manners are as important today as they have ever been. Are we properly teaching them to our children? Are we occasionally breaching them ourselves? — Amy Vanderbilt, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Profiles in Etiquette–Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt was born on July 22, 1908 in New York City, New York, a relation of Cornelius Vanderbilt, an American business magnate and philanthropist who built his wealth in railroads and shipping. She worked as a part-time reporter for the Staten Island Advance when she was 16 while attending Curtis High School. She furthered her studies and was educated in Switzerland and the Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn, before attending New York University.

From 1929 to 1932 she was married to Robert Brinkerhoff. She worked in advertising and public relations, and published her famous book, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, in 1952, after five years of research. She also wrote, among other books, 1961's Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cook Book illustrated by Andy Warhol. This cookbook's illustrations are attributed to "Andrew Warhol", and predate Andy Warhol's first New York solo pop art exhibition. His illustrations are simple line drawings in pen and ink. 

                                                              

How to Eat a Lobster from Amy Vanderbilt accompanied by Andy Warhol's illustrations.

From 1954 - 1960 she hosted the television program It's in Good Taste and from 1960 - 1962 she hosted the radio program The Right Thing to Do. In 1968 she married Curtis Kellar, a lawyer for Mobil Oil. She also worked as a consultant for several agencies and organizations, including the Princess House Crystal Company and the U.S. Department of State.

On December 27, 1974, she died from multiple fractures of the skull after falling from a second-floor window in her townhouse at 438 East 87th Street in New York. It remains unclear whether her fall was accidental (most likely due to the medications she took for hypertension, which friends and relatives said caused her to have severe dizzy spells) or whether she committed suicide. She was buried at the Cemetery of the Evergreens in Brooklyn, New York.
                                                         

Sooner or later everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt's Obituary and the Mystery– 

Jump Or Fall? 

Amy Vanderbilt Dies In New York Plunge

“December 28, 1974, The Desert Sun– NEW YORK (UPI) - Amy Vanderbilt, columnist and etiquette expert whose book on manners became a standard for American behavior, died in a plunge from her second-story apartment Friday night. She was 66. Police at first said it appeared to be a suicide, but today said it had not been determined whether she jumped or fell. 

“An official ruling was withheld pending an inquiry and an autopsy. Police said no suicide note was found. Her husband, Curtis Kellar, was inside the apartment when the fatal plunge occurred. He said he walked into the front room, noticed his wife was not present and saw the open window, police said. Police said a passerby found the body of the author of ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette’ lying on the sidewalk in front of her apartment at 7:55 p.m. Reached later at home, Kellar said his wife had been ill for a long time with hypertension and had been taking various drugs. He said she complained of dizzy spells and may have fallen out of the window. A friend, who asked not to be identified, described Miss Vanderbilt, who she said she saw two days before Christmas, as being ‘a little harried preparing for Christmas, but in good spirits.’

“Miss Vanderbilt was taken to Metropolitan Hospital and pronounced dead on arrival at 7:58 p.m., police said. Her ‘Complete Book of Etiquette’ which was completed in 1952, made her a national authority on etiquette. The 700-page book was later revised as ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette.’ In 1954, Miss Vanderbilt joined the United Feature Syndicate, where she stayed until 1968 as a syndicated columnist. She wrote her column for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate since 1968 and wrote regular monthly columns for the Ladies’ Home Journal and McCall’s. 

“In addition to her literary efforts, Miss Vanderbilt also appeared often on television and radio. From 1954 to 1960 she hosted ‘It’s in Good Taste,’ a television program on etiquette, and from 1960-62 she had her own radio show, ‘The Right Thing To Do.’ Miss Vanderbilt was married four times, the last to Kellar, an assistant general counsel for the Mobil Oil Corp., in 1968. She is survived by three sons, all from previous marriages. They are Lincoln Gill Clark, by her second husband, Morton G. Clark, and Paul Vanderbilt Knopf and Stephen John Knopf, by her third husband, Hans Knopf. Miss Vanderbilt’s body was taken to the Manhattan Medical Examiner’s office for an autopsy.

“A memorial service will be held Tuesday at 3 p.m. at the Church of the Holy Trinity, and a family spokesman suggested that in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Eye Bank for Sight Restoration in New York.”

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Amy Vanderbilt

Even Amy Vanderbilt knew to update her book, yet again, by 1972.

More And More ‘Couth’

Etiquette is dead, you say? Young people don't know the meaning of the word manners? Be advised that in the second major revision since it was published in 1952, Amy Vanderbilt has found it necessary to add 120,000 words to her standard book on etiquette. That's worth 200 printed pages, bringing the total to 960.
                                           

Sorry, but by 1972, you're toast! The long-suffering Anna Bates, lady's maid to Lady Mary, of Downton Abbey

The butler, footman and ladies’ maid are dead. Taking their place are sections on such things as how to behave in a sauna, the wearing of sunglasses, locker room speech (acceptable in the drawing room now) and the etiquette of snowmobiling. As the old French saying doesn’t have it, the more things change, the less they remain the same. –From The Desert Sun, 1972

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the  Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Etiquette Books

Amy Vanderbilt had style and exhibited a grace rarely seen today. The fact that she referred to herself as an "Etiquette Adviser," and not an "Etiquette Expert" (as so many people deign to do today) makes her special to those of us at Etiquipedia. Though we have all taught and studied etiquette for many years, and in some cases, many decades, the majority of us consider ourselves "Etiquette Enthusiasts." Even Amy Vanderbilt admitted that she had to  occasionally use her own book for reference, as there is just so much information one retains and she could remember, "only those details that have, or have had relevance to" her own way of living.

"Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family, if it hopes to move just a little into a wider world, needs to know at least the elementary rules. Even the most sophisticated man or woman used to a great variety of social demands cannot hope to remember every single aspect of etiquette applying to even one possible social contingency. 

The human mind is so constructed that even if a person were to read through a book such as this from cover to cover he could retain only that information that had interest for him at the time of reading. Consciously, at least, the rest would be discarded as irrelevant to his way of life. But let some new way of living open up for him a move from city to country, a trip to a new part of the world and his etiquette book becomes his reference book, ready to piece out his own store of information.  

You might imagine that the writer of an etiquette book would certainly know everything in it and therefore have no need for it as reference or guide. But even this is not the case. After ten years as an etiquette adviser, four years of writing this book four years of interviewing dozens of authorities in their own fields for material to be incorporated here I, too, can remember only those details that have or have had relevance to my own way of living. If you asked me, for example, some detail of a wedding in a faith other than my own, I might have to refer to my own book. The information is here the result of my research but in the writing of such sections I made no attempt to memorize all these details. However, in this book, I, like you, have such information in simple, complete form all in one place, and it can be readily found if needed.  

The word "etiquette" for all the things I have tried to discuss is really inadequate, yet no other will do. It covers much more than "manners," the way in which we do things. It is considerably more than a treatise on a code of social behavior, although all the traditional information still of value has, I feel, been included in a way that is simple and concise, shorn of mumbo- jumbo and clearly learnable. For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move." Amy Vanderbilt

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette's Importance in WWII

Amy Vanderbilt

"During World War II the Government understood the importance of teaching our military men and women some of the subtleties of proper social behavior in foreign lands. Proper American social behavior was not enough. Our soldiers and sailors learned to remove their shoes before entering a Japanese home, or a Mohammedan mosque, or a Buddhist temple. They squatted or sat cross-legged at table and ate out of communal dishes in Mohammedan lands and in various Oriental countries.

They tried to remember certain shibboleths and taboos and what English words could not be politely used in English drawing rooms "bloody" and "fanny," for example. They noted that in England "napkin" or "nappie" often meant diaper; "flannel" meant a washcloth, and "serviette" meant a napkin as it does on the Continent. 

Our truck became a "lorry" or a "van," and our trolley was a "tram," a closet was a "cupboard," and molasses "treacle." "Tea" could be just that or the equivalent of our Sunday night supper. A shower was a "douche" and a tiny toy, a "dinkie," a boutonniere, a "button-hole." To charge something was "to put it down," and to do an errand was "to run a message." Shortly, under military instruction and because it was more convenient, our men and women learned to do in Rome as the Romans.  

If this works under the stress of war, it will work in peacetime. As much as possible, while still identifying ourselves as Americans, we should behave as those we visit behave, not try to take the freest manners and language of our Main Streets abroad." Amy Vanderbilt

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Retro Etiquette for Smokers (and Nonsmokers, Too)

In all fairness, it must be admitted that smokers annoy nonsmokers.

On the Genial Vice of Smoking

Now, most etiquette books seem to contain more gravy than meatballs. They tend to shut their eyes to life as it is lived. But not every boat you get into is the good ship Lollipop. Not every story has a jolly ending, or every situation a perfect solution. Bearing these things in mind, then, let us consider the existing cold war between the smoker and the nonsmoker.

Smokers and nonsmokers will never see eye to eye. The nonsmoker can't comprehend that good raw clutch at the bronchials and the resultant feeling of dim placidity which the smoker feels with his first drag on a fresh cigarette. The smoker can't understand what the nonsmoker does with his time. The best the two can hope for is an armed truce.

 

A place setting from a Lyndon Johnson White House State Dinner, with cigarettes and ashtrays for the guests at the table.  It wasn't until the Clinton administration that smoking was banned in the White House at the dining tables.

In all fairness it must be admitted that smokers annoy nonsmokers. I know of no smokers who ever got sick from watching a nonsmoker not smoking. But I do know some people who turn pea green at one sniff of the smoke from a cigarette or a pipe or cigar.

Furthermore, the smoker's sins against etiquette outnumber the nonsmokers, five to one. Still, the nonsmoker can usually comfort himself, as he digs the butts out of the dirt around his philodendron, by reflecting on the latest lung-disease statistics. And the smoker can always assuage his hurt feelings--caused by that lady's icy stare on the bus--by lighting another cigarette.

Let's remember, too, that smokers annoy other smokers. One complicating factor is the international butting order: The pipe smoker looks down on the cigarette smoker, and they both look down upon the cigar smoker.

So let us consider the basic rules each group should abide by, in order to live in moderate comfort together.

“Excuse me, but I believe your nose is lit.”

Good Manners for the Nonsmoker

He really ought to provide some decent ash trays* in his quarters, at least one ash tray per room.  This will cut down on the number of butts in the potted plants.  And if you will keep some sand-filled flower pots outdoors, on the patio or the lawn, smokers won't be so apt to grind out their cigarettes on the tile or flip them onto the grass to ugly themselves away.

He shouldn't expect to be asked, by a cigarette smoker, if he objects to smoking, unless he is over 90 or unless this ill-matched pair should find itself in a small closed compartment, like a telephone booth.  Asking permission is expected today only of pipe and cigar smokers.

He mustn't whisk an ash tray away the minute it holds an ash, for the smoker doesn't really notice these things until this ash tray runneth over.  The big danger here is that the nonsmoker will whisk away an ash tray holding the true shank of the smoke: A cigarette which has burned down to its -- for the smoker -- precisely perfect length and feeling of lived-with comfort. (With some smokers this is 1 5/8 inches, with others, 1 1/2 inches.)

And the nonsmoker must use a pleasant Approach Direct, instead of a pained look, when the wind wafts smoke in his face.  He must ask the smoker to please move his cigarette or the ash tray. (Smokers are often absent-minded and unperceptive, although they don't mean to annoy people. But pained looks annoy them, and they tend answer with a good puff.)

"Some people say I was hard on smoking in my new book on etiquette. Actually, I was hard on smokers--some smokers.  I do not like ash droppers. I dislike cigarette butts on my hearth, in my potted plants and ground out on my best china. I do not like to see people smoking throughout their meals. I like considerate smokers. I like to see a man light his woman companion's cigarette. I like to know my escort is thoughtful enough to carry my brand, which, not so incidentally, is Lucky Strike." Amy Vanderbilt, on "The Etiquette of Smoking" in 1950's magazine advertisement for cigarettes

Good Manners for the Smoker

He mustn't smoke in elevators. Cigarette smokers are especially prone to palm their cigarettes for the short ride down to 5, which is against most building regulations and burns holes in people's clothes.

He mustn't smoke where there are No Smoking signs, for these usually mean business. It is bad form to explode a plane load of people or blow a hospital sky high. He must use whatever self-control he can scrape together on long bus rides, especially in bad weather when the windows are closed.

Pipe smokers have long been considered the nobility of the smoking fraternity, for reasons that are not immediately clear... 

He mustn't go smoking to the table when he is a dinner guest in someone's house. Perhaps it holds no ash trays; the hostess may have planned to set them forth later. If she does not, by the end of the meal, the smoker may correctly ask for one. Using his saucer or plate is Pigsville. (So is dropping a cigarette butt into the toilet without flushing it promptly.)

Pipe smokers have long been considered the nobility of the smoking fraternity, for reasons that are not immediately clear, and the longer you think about them, the fuzzier they become. The pipe smoker's ash tray, full of decayed yellow pipe cleaners garnished with dottle, is actually pretty disgusting, no matter how virile the pipe smoker may look biting his briar. Pipe smokers should clean up after themselves and quickly.

Also, remembering some people dislike pipes just on general principles, from the pipe smoke itself to the sucking noises pipe smokers so often make while playing with their pipes, the pipe smokers should, in most indoor situations, ask permission. Then, when he gets it, he should pay particular attention to the audience reaction. The all-pervasive aroma of some of the sweet rum-fudge-and-butterscotch mixtures would gag a goat.

The cigar smoker must be careful, too, about invading feminine quarters with stogie in hand.

Cigar smokers must always ask permission anywhere. And they must leave those big, fat, chewed, soggy cigar butts in ash trays. They can bury them or flush them or swallow them -- no matter, but they must do something.

The cigar smoker must be careful, too, about invading feminine quarters with stogie in hand. A cigar smoking man, picking up his wife at the hairdresser's, can quickly have the shop smelling like the City Hall. This is unkind to go to the ladies and to Mr. Tony.

Women Who Smoke

Etiquette rules for the woman smoker are the same as those for men, except for the fact that she can't smoke on the street and look ladylike. Even today, this gives her a Sadie Thompson or beatnik or washerwoman effect, depending on her age and build.

When should a man light a woman's cigarette?  According to 1953's The New Esquire Etiquette: A Guide to Business, Sports & Social Conduct, on secretaries who smoke, "If she's sitting within reach of a lighter and if she's not crippled, nobody expects you to walk a mile with a match." but  "Light her cigarettes, be you ever so far across the room whenever she is apparently lightless." 

Two errors in etiquette are still committed occasionally by the woman smoker. One is never having cigarettes or matches, only the habit. Most men consider this fairly charmless. (And these lassies learn quickly, of course, that they can't get away with it at all, with other women.)  The second error is expecting her cigarettes to be lit for her even though matches are on the table beside her. I know a camellia blossom who will sit endlessly with cigarette poised, waiting for some man to quit whatever he's doing and light it. This is bad manners, for it makes other people uncomfortable, and it is not the action of a lady, but of a blob of glup.

Which brings up the question: When should a man light a woman's cigarette? Most women would answer, not when he must cross the room to do so.**  If a man lunges with a lighter from 15 feet away every time she fumbles, a woman will presently get the uneasy feeling that she's smoking too much.  And he shouldn't butt in if she has her own cigarette lighter already to flick.  After all, she didn't bring that cute little gadget along for a paperweight.  She likes to use it and show off its pretty monogram.  Also, lighting her own cigarette gives her a small feeling of accomplishment, which, in this push-button age, isn't to be sneezed at.

One more tobacco crumb: Formerly, when two smokers were lighting up, it was de rigueur to light one's own cigarette first. But that was in the days of sulfur matches, when the first cigarette lit was apt to taste of the fumes of hell. Today, courtesy dictates that the lighter light his own last.

*Smaller than a breadbox, bigger than a tangerine, and grooved for the specific purpose of keeping cigarettes from a) burning themselves out and b) slipping off on the table top.  No porcelain pin trays; no lalique shells.

**Although if she is using and unobtrusive matchbook imprinted HYMIE'S GAS STATION, he might as well.

Main text from “I Try  to Behave Myself” Peg Bracken's Etiquette Book, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a World Citizens Guide

'Ugly American' abroad: Worryingly accurate? The world's worst tourists are American... according to Americans (and they admit to stealing hotel towels too)

Loud and brash, in gawdy garb and baseball caps, more than three million of them flock to other shores every year. Shuffling between tourist sites or preparing to negotiate a business deal, they bemoan the failings of the world outside the United States. That is the image most people have of the "Ugly American Tourist" 

And then there is this guy...

That's Lord Disick to you! ~ Arrogant, over-materialistic, insensitive and ignorant about local values. That, in short, is the image of the Ugly American abroad.

Scott Disick, famous for impregnating a Kardashian a few times, traveled to London "...and in true Disick fashion, made sure he painted the town red like only he can. Among the hijinks he pulled off during his trip: He became British royalty in an authentic knighting ceremony after purchasing the title over the Internet. "Whether it's Sir Disick, Lord Disick, Count Disick -- becoming royal is going to get me the respect I deserve," Disick said prior to pledging his allegiance to the laws of England and Wales. "I don't have to be walking around like some peasant. I'm royalty!'" Us Magazine
 
Aside from those who buy titles over the internet, the reputation of the "Ugly American" abroad is not, however, just some cruel stereotype, but - according to the American government itself - worryingly accurate.

• Survey showed that 20% of Americans polled said they were the worst tourists
• Americans ranked Chinese second worst at 15%
• U.S. residents also readily admitted to stealing from hotels

Helpful pamphlet with excellent etiquette tips for anyone traveling out of their own country

 In 2004, the State Department in Washington joined forces with American industry to promote an image make-over by issuing guides for Americans travelling overseas on how to behave.  Under a 2006 programme, the "World Citizens Guide" was issued, featuring 16 etiquette tips on how Americans can help improve America's battered international image. The goal was to create an army of civilian ambassadors.

From the World Citizens Guide

The guide offers a series of "simple suggestions" under the slogan, "Help your country while you travel for your company". The advice targets a series of common American traits and includes:

• Think as big as you like but talk and act smaller. (In many countries, any form of boasting is considered very rude. Talking about wealth, power or status - corporate or personal - can create resentment.)

• Listen at least as much as you talk. (By all means, talk about America and your life in our country. But also ask people you're visiting about themselves and their way of life.)

• Save the lectures for your kids. (Whatever your subject of discussion, let it be a discussion not a lecture. Justified or not, the US is seen as imposing its will on the world.)

• Think a little locally. (Try to find a few topics that are important in the local popular culture. Remember, most people in the world have little or no interest in the World Series or the Super Bowl. What we call "soccer" is football everywhere else. And it's the most popular sport on the planet.)

• Slow down. (We talk fast, eat fast, move fast, live fast. Many cultures do not.)

• Speak lower and slower. (A loud voice is often perceived as bragging. A fast talker can be seen as aggressive and threatening.)

• Your religion is your religion and not necessarily theirs. (Religion is usually considered deeply personal, not a subject for public discussions.)

• If you talk politics, talk - don't argue. (Steer clear of arguments about American politics, even if someone is attacking US politicians or policies. Agree to disagree.)

From the World Citizens Guide

One of New York's top advertising executives said at the time that surveys consistently showed Americans were viewed as arrogant, over-materialistic, insensitive and ignorant about local values. That, in short, is the image of the Ugly American abroad.

The guide also offers tips on the dangers of dressing too casually, the pluses of learning a few words of the local language, use of hand gestures and even map-reading.

Of course, US foreign policy - and perceptions of it - has the biggest impact on the image of Americans abroad. President George W.  Bush recognised this when he appointed Karen Hughes, a close confidante, to head the country's public diplomacy push.  And individual Americans can also make a difference.

According to one business executive, "In many parts of the world, America is not getting the benefit of the doubt right now. People prefer to dump on us instead. But for many people, corporate America is their main point of contact, and that's where we come in."

Business for Diplomatic Action, which was formed in 2004, had in 2006 already distributed 200,000 -passport-sized guides tailored to college students going abroad.

At the time, a spokesman for the National Tourism Agency for Britain said last night: "Americans have a certain reputation which, for the majority, is undeserved. These guidelines sound like good common sense but they're not something the majority of our American visitors need. As tourists, they're out to enjoy themselves and have a good time. We continue to welcome them."

Amy Vanderbilt, circa 1950

The U.S. government has stepped in many times before.  According to Amy Vanderbilt, "During World War II the Government understood the importance of teaching our military men and women some of the subtleties of proper social behavior in foreign lands. Proper American social behavior was not enough. Our soldiers and sailors learned to remove their shoes before entering a Japanese home, or a Mohammedan mosque, or a Buddhist temple. They squatted or sat cross-legged at table and ate out of communal dishes in Mohammedan lands and in various Oriental countries. They tried to remember certain shibboleths and taboos and what English words could not be politely used in English drawing rooms "bloody" and "fanny," for example. They noted that in England "napkin" or "nappie" often meant diaper; "flannel" meant a washcloth, and "serviette" meant a napkin as it does on the Continent. Our truck became a "lorry" or a "van," and our trolley was a "tram," a closet was a "cupboard," and molasses "treacle." "Tea" could be just that or the equivalent of our Sunday night supper. A shower was a "douche" and a tiny toy, a "dinkie," a boutonniere, a "buttonhole." To charge something was "to put it down," and to do an errand was "to run a message." Shortly, under military instruction and because it was more convenient, our men and women learned to do in Rome as the Romans. If this works under the stress of war, it will work in peacetime. As much as possible, while still identifying ourselves as Americans, we should behave as those we visit behave, not try to take the freest manners and language of our Main Streets abroad."

From articles originally printed in the The Telegraph, April 2006  By Philip Sherwell, and the Mail Online, March 2012, US Magazine and Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Etiquette, Race and Immigrants

“Do not criticize another’s religion, belittle his race or country, or refer unnecessarily to his color in his presence.” Amy Vanderbilt

The Unimportant Differences

As long as I can remember, I have been bored with landscapes. I couldn’t look at a picture, a photograph, or a view with much interest, unless somewhere there were people or something that indicated they were there or soon would be.

I was long secretly ashamed of this limitation in me. I should have, I felt, been able to drink in the beauty of Mount Hood without stealing a connective glance at the outskirts of Portland. I should have been able to love the ocean, even when no ships rode low on the horizon to excite my speculations. But now, after half a lifetime of getting to know myself, I realize that there are too many of us who see the view and not the people humanizing it. My need for people in the picture has given me a fuller understanding of life.

I believe I have something warm and good to give my children in my love of people. When my eldest son was a little boy, we were on a Fifth Avenue bus. He kept turning around to smile at someone I couldn’t see. When we got off, this person did too, and I saw that she was an elderly Negro. “Your little boy likes me,” she said with some surprise. “He don’t seem to notice any difference in me at all, like I was his own grandmother. How’s that?” “Because,” I replied, “he’s never been taught by the grownups around him that there is a difference.”

Children un-coached in prejudice and class consciousness enjoy people for what they are. As they mature, our society soon sets them right, as to their place in it. More often than not, they accept this place without question, and thereby shut themselves off from warm human contact with many of their fellows. They become cocoon-like in their fear that reaching out beyond their own immediate social confines will place them in an untenable position.

It did take a certain courage, maturity, and sophistication to broaden my own circle to include people of other races, nationalities, and religions on the same terms as those born into my own little place in the world. But in doing so, I lost my fear of those different from myself in some way God chose to make them. As friendship became possible, differences seemed very unimportant. I think I’ve learned to accept the differences as an interesting part of my new friends’ personalities, not something to be feared, tactfully ignored, or excused.

I shall never forget my first lonely schoolgirl days abroad before I learned to speak French. I was entirely surrounded by the majestic beauty of the Alps, but I could not speak a word to the people, nor they to me. But within a few months, through the miracle of language, people came into the picture for me. It was the beginning of my understanding that the greatest natural beauty is for me, at least, comprehensible only through living contact with people of all kinds who share the view.

Our Attitude Toward Newcomers to the U.S.

    from Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, 1957

Caribbean immigrants in the 1950s

Every generation has its immigrants. Many of us are descendants of the of Italians who came to supply our labor pool or bolster our artisan class in Irish who emigrated here during the potato famine in the nineteenth century, the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, of early Dutch settlers dissatisfied with opportunities at home and who came to trade and colonize in New Amsterdam. We are all, no matter how impressive our family trees, descended from immigrants of one kind or the other, if we are Americans. Even the American Indian is now known to have emigrated here from Asia.

Millions of us are the children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren of those who took refuge here to escape political, social or economic upheavals in their own lands or who fled from religious persecution. The fleeing religious persecution, just as in the twentieth century refugees from Pilgrim fathers, now so revered socially as ancestors, were the first refugees, Hitler Protestants, Catholics, and Jews sought not only the right to worship as they please among us but the very chance to stay alive. The Pilgrims faced the Indians, who, being here first, resented any encroachment on their hunting grounds. Every new settler today has us to face the entrenched Americans, who, like the Indian tribes, forget sometimes that they came (or their grandfathers or great-grandfathers) to this land of opportunity because, for some reason or other, things were not good at home. It is only natural for every man to regard the stranger, the possible economic encroacher, with a wary eye. But we need to remember our own sources and realize that the vigor and progress of the country is stimulated by each such influx of new Americans, who bring with them talents, trades, ambition, and even wealth America can use. 

Let's examine some of our attitudes toward refugees in our century-

One hears the criticism "Why do they all have to live in one neighborhood all the Italians, all the Poles, the Scandinavians, all the French, the Germans, the Jews in tight little settlements?" The answer is that our ancestors, even if they came here at the time of the founding of our country, tended to do the same thing for reasons of solidarity. The melting pot that is America doesn't immediately gobble up the new citizen. Any American who was born abroad must, of necessity, have mixed feelings about his new homeland.

The old living patterns, morals, social habits, and language are all part of him, and it is his children or perhaps his grandchildren who will first have the feeling of being uncomplicatedly "real Americans." Even after generations of assimilation there tends to be this gathering together of Americans with like backgrounds the Irish in Boston, the Germans in St. Louis, Milwaukee, and Chicago, the Italians and Jews and dozens of other ethnic groups in New York, the Scandinavians in the Midwest, the Pennsylvania "Dutch," (really German) in Pennsylvania. Newcomers, quite understandably, gravitate toward these centers, where they can hear their own language, eat their own food, go to their own houses of worship, and receive assistance in their adjustment to a new and strange and often unfriendly land.

It is true that the young do move out and into other circles, through marriage or business opportunities, but it is human and understandable that the older and less adventurous often prefer to make their way in a more familiar atmosphere.

We should all remember that, no matter how American we are now, our ancestors, even if they were English speaking, had their own problems of adjustment here too physical, social, and economic. Even well-bred English who settle here today feel our hostility or experience our ridicule of their manners and customs as any English-born bride of an American can tell you. So it isn't language that is the principal difficulty at all. It is just the perversity of human nature. We all hate to move over, as others had to move over for us. 

Prior to writing her bestselling “Complete Book of Etiquette,” Amy Vanderbilt worked in magazines and advertising. She went on to write a newspaper column and host TV and radio programs about etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia