Etiquettical Introductions

 “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – Nancy Page

A “Second Debut” Article from 2019

Nancy Page has an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions.

Nancy found many old friends down in Florida. They were glad to see her and gave teas, receptions, bridge luncheons and affairs galore in her honor. At one sorority tea she noticed that one of the girls was watching her intently. Later she found the reason. It seems that the girls had been having an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions. They had been told to watch the guests at this particular tea. Later Nancy and the girls discussed the whole question. 

“Why did you remain seated when other folks were brought up to you and introduced, Mrs. Page?” “Because a woman never rises when being introduced unless the other person is elderly or very distinguished. Of course, if I were a young girl and were being introduced to—oh say, a person as old as I am—l would stand. That is youth's duty. But if I were a college girl being introduced to another, college girl X would not get up.” 

‘‘Would you rise if a man were brought up to be introduced?" “No indeed, unless he were most distinguished, say a Bishop, a President or a cabinet officer or foreign diplomat.” ‘‘Should the man rise if he is seated when a woman is brought up?” “Yes, surely. That motion of hospitality belongs unless he were aged.” 

“Should a man extend his hand in greeting to the woman?” “She should extend her hand first. Of course, if a man does reach out his hand she does not acknowledge it by extending her own, but the man made the error in putting his out first.” “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – “Nancy Page” by Florence La Ganke, 1929

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Addressing a Widow

Maureen Eleva Reardon’s columns and advice were called “The new etiquette” back in the mid 1970’s…

Q. When a person's husband is deceased, is it proper to use the name “Mrs. John Smith?” Mrs. F. W., Fort Smith? Wayne, Ind.

A. That's the customary way of doing it. The main alternate would be for Mrs. Smith to call herself “Mrs. Mary Smith.” It's not a good alternative since that combination has generally come to mean that a woman is divorced. The woman could also call herself “Ms. Mary Smith” if she preferred. I like “Mrs. John Smith” better.

When to use the term "Mrs. John Smith" is another question. It's sensible for a woman to identify herself as “Mary Smith” in social conversation, since her name is, after all, “Mary” and not “John.” She might add “My husband was the late John Smith” if the explanation is necessary.

Business dealings are another matter. If all of the family's accounts have been in her husband's name, for instance, she may find that she must identify herself as “Mrs. John Smith” to avoid the wrath of the computers.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

“What is Etiquette,” You Ask?

Etiquette and the Golden Rule: John Caveman came to learn that it was smart to speak gently to his neighbor if he didn't want a sizable stone ax bounced on his skull.

You can find a lot of definitions of the word “etiquette” in the dictionary. Boiled down, they all mean about the same thing as that old copy-book favorite: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Even back in the days when our ancestors trotted around in skins, John Caveman came to learn that it was smart to speak gently to his neighbor if he didn't want a sizable stone ax bounced on his skull. Probably it would cost John a good many burned houses, stolen wives, and private wars to find that out, but sooner or later he had to admit that the surest way to success in life is by getting along with other people.— From “Manners for Moderns,” by Kathleen Black, 1938

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Scandal Prone Etiquette Authority?

The British socialite and philanthropist was a renowned beauty of the Victorian Era and was one of the most scandalous women in the highest of Edwardian England’s social circles.

–  Public domain image of Frances “Daisy” Evelyn Greville, Countess of Warwick

 An Authority Speaks – Is An Etiquette Expert!

Frances Evelyn, Countess of Warwick, Writes For Papers

One of England's Most Popular Hostesses Will Give a Series of Articles on the Charm and Dignity of Good Manners In Social Life

It is announced that Frances Evelyn, Countess of Warwick, will write a series of articles on etiquette for newspapers. In her introduction the countess states:"If parents were more with their children familiarity with all the details of etiquette would be inherited rather than acquired.

While mothers are content to leave their little ones to others, boys will tend to become rough and self conscious and girls will regard instructions as a lesson and resent it accordingly. I have made it a rule to have my children around me on every possible occasion.

"The tendency toward carelessness must be repressed by all of us, and etiquette has done much to add to the charm and dignity of life. We need more study of demeanor than do the French, Italians and Spaniards, for the Latin races have a natural grace that is only seldom found among us. The Italian peasant of the Maremma, the Spanish shepherd of the Asturias, will astonish you by his perfect courtesy, his instinctive knowledge of the right word, the appropriate action.

"We are rougher and more rude until we have been polished on the grindstone of polite custom or until we have traveled and lost our insularity.

"After all, our behavior is the reflection of our personality, and while, if that personality be gracious, knowledge of etiquette will set it off to complete advantage, an aggressive personality cannot be made tolerable by amount of perfectly correct action.

"Yet knowledge is power. I think it was Francis Bacon who said that the man who goes to a foreign country without a knowledge of its language, goes to school and not to travel, and in the same way the men or women who seek the pleasures of social life, without knowing either how to entertain or to be entertained, miss the fundamental pleasures of intercourse." —Oceanside Register, May 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Q and A with Nell Drake

In 1943, during WWII  when this was written, the fee for the clergyman, ranged anywhere from $10 to $100 or $200, according to the means of the groom and the importance of the wedding. Whatever the amount, it was enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man, who handed it to the clergyman in his vestry room, immediately after the ceremony. 

1. – WHEN YOU ARE complimenting a woman friend, how should one do it?-W.Y.A., San Pedro.

Women are very “catty” when complimenting each other. They are always sure to notice the little mistakes of dress rather than notice the many lovely things about a well-groomed woman. They'll take pains to notice an off colored thread, a fractionally “off the beam” hat, a hairpin that's falling or any other similar little item. If you are complimenting another woman on her dress don't say... “Why, I've never seen you look so nice”... but say in a pleasant tone of voice, minus any sarcasm, “That dress is so becoming.”

2. – HOW DO YOUNG people introduce their friends?-J. В.Los Angeles.

A young girl taking her girl friend to the country club would greet a group of her own friends with “Hello everybody, this is Sally.” In the modern fashionable world, the titles Mister, Missus and Miss are never used except to outsiders. If Sally is accepted as a member of a certain group, she is at once called Sally, or quite likely, Sal. To be called Miss Stranger announces that she is not a member of the group.

3. – WHAT ARE detailed directions for perfect dinner giving? A. T., Los Angeles.

The requisites at every dinner of perfection, whether a great one of 200 people or a little one of six, are as follows:

• Guests, people who are congenial to one another… this is of first importance. 

• Food, a suitable menu perfectly prepared and served hot food should be hot, and cold, cold. 

• Table furnishing, faultlessly laundered linen, brilliantly polished silver, and all other table accessories in perfect condition. 

• There should be of course, a cordial and hospitable host and a hostess of charm. Charm says everything. Tact, sympathy, poise and perfect manners are always proper

4. – WHAT ARE some of the last minute obligations of the bridegroom before the wedding? -L. M., Glendale.

Gifts must be provided for the bridegroom's best man and ushers, as well as their ties, gloves and boutonnieres, a bouquet for his bride, and the fee for the clergyman, which may range anywhere from $10 to $100 or $200, according to the means of the groom and the importance of the wedding. Whatever the amount, it is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man, who hands it to the clergyman in his vestry room, immediately after the ceremony. – By Nell Drake, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Grouchy Husbands

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

Husband Grouchy? Consult Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette Book!

NEW YORK - People used to refer to etiquette books when there was a question about forks or formal invitations, but that's the least of a modern book on manners.

Husband grouchy when he gets up in the morning? Consult the etiquette book.

What to name the baby? Consult the etiquette book. 

Taking a bath in a foreign country? Consult the etiquette book.

Want to write your congressman a nasty letter? That's in there too..

And if you're tempted to write a passionate love letter-well, you might just read one sentence in the etiquette book, to wit: "Love letters are sometimes bombshells." 

Scope Broadened

All those matters, and some 650 pages of other private and personal problems, are dealt with in the latest revised edition of Amy Vanderbilt's complete book of etiquette, recently published by Doubleday.

As high society has ceased having such rigid rules of admittance and behavior, the social experts have broadened their scope to include manners for family occasions.

Under the heading, "The Agreeable Husband," Miss Vanderbilt writes that if a man must be grouchy before coffee in the morning, he should be sure the family understands that there is nothing personal about it. 

She also lists the following rules for agreeable husbands: Clean And Presentable

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

"No well-brought-up husband should ever bring anyone except a most intimate friend home to dinner without sufficient warning to his wife."

There is also a section on agreeable wives, with emphasis on personal good grooming and tidy habits around the house.

Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both.

"Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives." — The Napa Valley Register, 1955

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Tent-Style Place Cards vs Flat

 

Place cards are used for seating arrangements and should never be tampered with if you want to be invited back. Hosts/Hostesses go to a lot of trouble and time to make sure the seating arrangements are proper and that everyone's tastes and feelings are accommodated. Sit where a place card has been set for you (the one with your name on it) and mingle with others you didn't sit with afterward.

Dear Maura:

What is the proper way to include a placecard at a formal table? Where is it placed? Is the name only written on one side of a “tent- style” card, or both sides? — K.E., Ontario

Dear K.E.:

The correct usage of place cards deals solely with the intent of the usage. If you are hosting an affair with people who do not know one another, tent-style cards are a wonderful way of letting one know which place at the table is his. Tent-style cards with a name written on both sides allows others at the table to not have to fumble to remember the names of those sitting nearby them.

Both sides of the card should have the name on them and the card should be placed above the place setting in clear view of other diners.

If your meal is a get-together of friends or family who all know one another, flat place cards can be placed at each setting, on the charger, service plate or place plate to signify where one is to sit. Tent cards can also be used.

And by no means should place-cards ever be removed or rearranged by guests. Protocol and etiquette dictate that certain people be seated at certain places. Hosts and hostesses going to the trouble of following the rules in those situations are to be commended. A guest should never take it upon himself to “improve” the seating arrangement. — By Maura Graber for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Entertaining Visitors

Whether the party is formal or informal depends entirely upon circumstances and requirements, as well as the personal taste of the hostess, when her out-of town visitor is to meet her friends. Well she knows the heart-warming influence of a cup of tea and the friendliness of a fat tea-urn!

Wise in the ways of entertaining, the clever hostess gives an afternoon tea on the day that her out-of town visitor is to meet her friends. Well she knows the heart-warming influence of a cup of tea and the friendliness of a fat tea-urn! The illustration opposite aptly portrays the jolly, informal type of tea party at which out-of-town guests are entertained. Of course, whether the party is formal or informal depends entirely upon circumstances and requirements, as well as the personal taste of the hostess.

The hostess who is entertaining a visitor from another town, and who desires to make her stay as pleasant and agreeable as possible, may give a theatre party to which a group of interesting men and women are invited. The theatre party may be followed by a dinner at her home or at a hotel.

It is not good form to make a round of calls on one's friends and acquaintances with the sole purpose of presenting the out-of-town visitor. In fact, the hostess may not attend any social function with her visiting guest unless an invitation is included for this guest also. However, she may, if she wishes, advise the friend from whom she has received an invitation that an out-of-town guest is with her and request that she, too, be invited. – From Lillian Eichler’s “Etiquette Problems in Pictures,” 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Society As I Have Found It”- A Review

It is not that his book is given up to trivialities, but that his solemn way of dealing with them creates the impression that he imagines himself occupied in a kind of philosophical research. Darwin, in his evolution of his evolution theory, was not more impressed with the magnitude of his theme than Ward McAllister in establishing a rule of etiquette.

Oh! That Mine Enemy, Etc...

The enemies of Mr. Ward McAllister are indebted to that gentleman for a means of retaliation. Mr. McAllister’s book on “Society As I Have Found It” exposes him to merciless criticism. As a conductor of entertainments he was above reproach. He had studied one thing until he knew it well. No man in either hemisphere is more competent authority on such important matters as the month in the year in which salmon may be served at a swell dinner or the kind of sauce which may be served with it, he has given many, years’ study to intricate problems of this nature, and if he has not solved them satisfactorily, the man does not live who can prove that he has not. But a clever man with Mr. McAllister’s knowledge of society, in both Europe and America, ought to write an entertaining book. That is precisely what Mr. McAllister has failed to do. 

It is not that his book is given up to trivialities, but that his solemn way of dealing with them creates the impression that he imagines himself occupied in a kind of philosophical research. Darwin, in his evolution of his evolution theory, was not more impressed with the magnitude of his theme than Ward McAllister in establishing a rule of etiquette. In most pursuits, earnestness is an element of success. A writer impresses a public in proportion, as he is able to convince them that he believes his own theories and regards them as important. But with society as a theme, a man may be wise or witty, satirical or indulgent, a scoffer or a worshiper, but he must be bright. McAllister’s book is both trivial and dull. — San Francisco Call, 1890

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Confusion Over Respiratory Etiquette

 

Disgusted? You are not alone! Why Ms. Millett doesn’t know about respiratory etiquette is a mystery to Etiquipedia. Any good etiquette book has good manners regarding coughs and sneezes.— “If ‘stay at home with a cold’ were a definite rule of etiquette instead of just a health rule, maybe more of us would pay attention to it. After all, more people break health rules than eat with their knives or otherwise defy the rules of etiquette.

It Shouldn't Happen!

If “stay at home with a cold” were a definite rule of etiquette instead of just a health rule, maybe more of us would pay attention to it. After all, more people break health rules than eat with their knives or otherwise defy the rules of etiquette. As it is now, a guest will come to a party and in between a cough and a sneeze, explain to anyone who cares to listen how she really should be home in bed, but she just didn't feel she could let her hostess down at the last minute. Other guests must accept her graciously, expose themselves to her germs and take home colds of their own as a memento of the party.

That wouldn't happen if the “cold spreader” was frowned upon socially, and “stay at home with a cold” was a real and definite rule of etiquette. After all, why shouldn't it be considered really bad manners to go to a party with a cold? The guest with a cold is certainly not a sparkling addition to any party. And she or he is a very real menace to the health, of the other guests. The guest with a cold who. says proudly, “I really should be at home in bed” is telling the truth. She SHOULD be. And there's probably not a soul in the room who doesn't wish that she was. — By Ruth Millett, 1948

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners For Sniffle Season

He Goofed! This young lady is not waiting to see if his germs are Asian or domestic. She’s ducking fast!

Winter, the germiest season of all, has arrived in many parts of the world. All in all, the times seems ripe to review germ etiquette: 

• When you sneeze or cough, cover your mouth with a handkerchief. 
• If there isn't time, at least muffle the explosion with your hand, turning your head away from the nearest person.
• Blowing your nose at the dinner table is permissible, but don't make a production of it and don't apologize; the latter merely calls attention to the act. 
• If your cold is a whopper, carry extra handkerchiefs.
• Fastidious souls are offended at the sight of a battle-worn hankie, and even non-fastidious souls don't enjoy seeing one bloom from someone's breast pocket. Once used, a breast handkerchief stops being picturesque. 
• P.S. to tissue users: Don't blow and throw. How many litter with tissue debris? Alas, too many. 
•  Q & A on P's & Q's 

(Q) “Is it passe to ask guests if they want to wash hands before dinner?” Mrs. S.J., Cleveland 
(A) Until germs are passé, asking will never be.

 

—Portions taken from Don Goodwin‘s ‘Male Polish,’ 1957

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Etiquette of the Sexes

Such familiarity is not proper. A kiss should be held too sacred and valuable to be given away promiscuously.

Dear Mrs Adams,

1. Is it proper for a young lady to take a man’s arm while out walking? I find it somewhat awkward to know what to do with my hands.
2. What should I say when asked to go to the theater or other places of amusement if I wish to accept? I do not wish to appear over anxious, and yet really enjoy going.
3. Is it perfectly proper for a young lady to kiss a young man if they are not engaged? I have not been brought up to think so, but many seemingly nice girls think it is all right. I would appreciate your views on the subject.
4. I very much admire a young man, as he comes from a very fine family, but the only thing is he is “too familiar” in a way, and continually wants to “hold hands” which I consider very silly and unladylike. I do not in the least approve of this sort of thing and would like to know how I can tell him so, without hurt hurting his feelings. A few suggestions from you certainly would be appreciated.


1. She should not do so unless there is a great need of assistance.
2. Be frank and say: “Yes, thank you, I shall be glad to go.” 
3. Such familiarity is not proper. A kiss should be held too sacred and valuable to be given away promiscuously.
4. First of all, I should tell the young man that I disapproved of such actions. If he disregarded the statement, I should forbid him to call. It would be better to give up his society, than to lose your dignity. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hotel or Lunchroom Table Etiquette

The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one's plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.

Dear Mrs Adams,

Kindly advise me on the following questions relative to table etiquette in hotels and lunchrooms:

1. How to use napkin.
2. Where to place individual dishes such as bread, butter, water, fish, so on to salad.
3. When dishes are placed by a waiter, should they be moved to suit one’s convenience,
4. How to eat different bread stuffs, such as biscuit and hot rolls.
5. What to do when one does not care for courses that are brought on.
6. Is one supposed to eat from side dishes or dinner plate?
7. When a waiter brings courses ‘round should I take them off of the tray and place them on the table, or should the waiter?
8. How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?


1. The napkin is taken from the table, unfolded and laid across the knees. At the close of the meal, it should be placed unfolded, a little to the side of one’s plate.
2. The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one’s plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.
3. Yes, in an unobtrusive manner.
4. Bread, biscuit or rolls are eaten in the same manner. A piece is broken off each time one wishes to convey any to the mouth.
5. The best way to do this is to make a pretense of eating it, or to continue eating bread or crackers, so that you will not make yourself conspicuous by sitting back and not eating. Of course, if you are asked whether you would care for a certain dish when the order is given, you can then give your explanation.
6. If small portions are brought in on side dishes, you should take the food directly from them.
7. Leave the amount you desire to give the waiter on the tray when he brings your change. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Dance Programs

Mrs. Chester Adams requests her friends to bring to her their Social Problems and Perplexities by letter at any time

Dear Mrs Adams,

Will you kindly tell me if it is proper for a hostess to provide programs when giving a large dance? What kind should they be, and when should they be given out? —A Reader


Dance programs are still very much in vogue for large entertainments, and either a card with gilt edges or a small sheet of bristol board, folded once, is provided, and also a small pencil, attached to the card or sheet by a silk cord or ribbon. They either are placed in the dressing rooms, convenient to the guests to help themselves, or they are offered by a servant from a silver tray as the guests enter the ballroom. — Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Degree in Etiquette Never Offered

                          

From what we at Etiquipedia have researched, NYU never did offer the degree mentioned in Dix’s 1916 article. It is disappointing, though, as it would have been one way of actually “certifying” someone as knowledgeable in etiquette and manners. — Elizabeth Meriwether Gilmer was an American “Agony Aunt” who wrote under the pen name, “Dorothy Dix.” A forerunner of today’s advice columnists, Dix was America’s highest paid and most widely read female journalist when she died in 1951. Her advice was syndicated in newspapers around the world, with an estimated audience of 60 million readers. Along with her column, she campaigned for woman suffrage.

— Public domain image

School of Manners, Dorothy Dix Says, Is Badly Needed American Child Too Often Lacking in Politeness and Little Graces of Human Intercourse

It is announced that the New York University is going to establish a school of manners, and that the degree of M. E.—Magister Elegantiarium—may be conferred on such students as perfect themselves in the etiquette of polite society. This news sounds almost too good to be true. Let us hope, however, that such a course of study is really to be established in one of our great schools, and that it will be compulsory, for nothing is more sadly needed.

For whatever other charms and virtues the American youth may possess, good manners are seldom among them. As a child he is almost invariably a little savage. As a hobbledehoy he is generally a hoodlum, and as a grown man, he is only too often an awkward blunderer, who is like a bull in the social china shop. On every side we encounter multitudes of men who have intelligence, force, power, men who have achieved success in their own particular calling, but who are as ignorant as babes of any of the graces of human intercourse. 

They cannot enter or leave a room without falling over their own feet. They do not know what to say when presented to a stranger, or how either to pay or receive a compliment. At dinner parties you may see them hopelessly floundering around among the silverware. At restaurants you may observe them with their legs twined like snakes around their chair legs, grasping their forks as if they were about to harpoon an attacking whale, and, alas, you may even pass away an evening listening to them eat their soup. 

Of course, we excuse such men by saying that they have been too busy with big affairs to give their attention to such small matters as the proper use of a fork or a spoon. We say that it's more important that a man’s heart should be of gold than that he. should wear the right sort of coat for the occasion, and we try to gloss over his boorishness by calling him a rough diamond. All of which is sheer nonsense. Nobody will contend that a rough diamond is as valuable as one that is cut and polished, and the truth is that while a man may succeed without good manners, he would succeed better with them. 

To know how to do things, to possess what the French call savoir faire, is always a help, never a handicap in life. People have always appreciated this fact, so far as women were concerned. In all girls' schools special attention is paid to deportment, and girls are taught the niceties of etiquette that they perhaps de not have an opportunity to learn in their own homes. More than that, at home stress is laid on little girls behaving like ladies, and wherever you go, the small daughter of the house will receive you charmingly, drop her little courtesy and endeavor to engage you in courteous conversation. 

But apparently the mothers of the same families make no effort to instill politeness into their boys, and their lads will storm into the room with their caps on. They will never stop to speak to the visitors, and only grunt by way of reply when addressed. And when these boys are sent off to school, no effort seems to be made to supplement their lack of home training in manners. They are grounded in all the arts and sciences except the most important art and science of all, which is that of making oneself agreeable to one’s fellow creatures. 

For, when all is said and dont, good manners will carry one further than anything else in the world. They are a letter of credit» that every one of us honors* at sight. The clown may compel our grudging respect, but present our hearts as a free gift to the courtier. A young man may be of the most sterling worth and yet wear a decollete collar that exposes his Adam’s apple and a coat and trousers and waistcoat of different makes and colors so that he looks like an animated patchwork quilt, but if he and another youth who knew how to dress, applied for the same job, the good clothes would get it. 

A man might he a genius and yet eat peas with his knife, but he would have a hard time getting close enough to those who might help him to get a chance to show what he could do. A man may have almost superhuman ability in any line, but if he is rude and crude in his manners, if he does not know how to please, he lives and dies neglected. On the other hand, the man who has what we call a charming personality, who is gracious in speech and polite in manners, finds a helping hand always at his elbow and a friendly shoulder ready to boost him up the ladder. That is why it is so important to teach boys good manners and why the opening a department in the New York University is epoch-making. — By Dorothy Dix, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The 1990’s Etiquette Era

New etiquette books were suddenly plentiful in the last dozen-or-so years of the 20th century, in preparation of the 21st century and to address all of the technological advances of the 1990’s. Judith Martin’s, “Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium” was one of the most popular.
—————
“What’s the office etiquette when men and women work together? Judith Martin: The very simple rule that takes care of most problems is that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace. Once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled. It should be settled just as if it were an all-male workplace— by rank and position.”

Establishing Polite Parameters for the 1990’s

Dear Amy: Help! On second thought, make that: Help, please! 

Ms. Vanderbilt, you must be turning over in your grave because of the problems that polite society is suffering as we enter the ‘90s.

I mean, as manners go, I’m not exactly a model of decorum. (I take special pleasure in cutting off Camaros on the freeway). But even I know there should be a better way of congratulating your second husband on the birth of his first child from his third marriage than just looking embarrassed and saying, “Gee, you told me you’d had a vasectomy!”

Or writing to all your friends in one fell swoop by using the recall button on the personal computer. Or telling a potential sexual partner to use a condom by strategically leaving a dozen boxes of Trojans next to the Champagne in the refrigerator. Or wrestling with the complexities of call-waiting by shouting “Hang on!” or murmuring “Sorry, this new caller is richer than you, Mr. Murdock.”

Just consider, for instance, the contretemps I found myself in just trying to write this story. I was chatting on the phone to New York etiquette arbiter Charlotte Ford when suddenly I heard a “beep” and Miss Manners (a.k.a. Judith Martin) was holding on call waiting from Washington.

“Uh, what do I do, Charlotte?” I asked in a panic.

“It’s easy,” she replied, soothingly. “I think that whoever’s on the phone first when call-waiting comes in takes precedence. Tell the other person you’ll call them back.”

Hmmm, logical enough. So I clicked back to Martin.

“Judith? I’ve got Charlotte Ford on the other line, and she says I should stay on the phone with her and call you back. Does that sound OK?”

Miss Manners paused a moment to consider.

“Absolutely,” Martin purred.

What I need, Amy, is a definitive guide to all this stuff. Something to keep right by the bedside to govern matters of a sexual, or nonsexual, nature. It’s no good to find out the proper way to act after the fact. By then my social life is going to degenerate into watching reruns of “Facts of Life.”

But wait, what are these packages on my desk? Could it be that America’s foremost etiquette experts have been working overtime to establish polite parameters for the ‘90s?

Some of these books are from the usual suspects: Judith Martin, Letitia Baldridge, and Charlotte Ford. But, suddenly there are new names making waves in the manners business. After all, who better than Sidney Biddle Barrows of Mayflower Madam fame to solve such bedroom dilemmas as: Do you make eye contact at an orgy? (No.) Do you use your lover’s toothbrush? (Yes.)

“My literary agent thought up the idea,” Barrows confides. “Most people think sex is inherently not very polite, and certainly not something one talks about unless one absolutely has to. But etiquette is a way of romancing between men and women. And now that we’re not jumping into bed with someone, we need something like this to drag out the courtship a little longer.”

All the authors attempt to create a new code of etiquette for a new time. Let’s see, Amy, how do I explain it? Men are sometimes women. A child can have four different mothers. Answering machines talk to one another.

As social arbiter Letitia Baldridge notes, “Manners comprise everything in our human relationships, all the things that we do all day long and the way we interrelate with people. And if any of these things change, then we want to change with them.”

That’s why Baldridge, the former chief of staff during Jackie Kennedy’s stint as First Lady, has written her “Complete Guide to the New Manners for the ‘90s.” (Remember her, Amy? In 1978, four years after your death, she updated your etiquette book. Then Tish decided she was a big enough name to go it alone.)

Baldridge, who cheerfully dispenses advice on what a pregnant bride should wear and whether it’s polite to send a dinner invitation through the fax machine, is convinced that manners are making a comeback in the ‘90s. “You bet. I see it in my mail, I see it in the people I lecture.”

But why? “We became very self-obsessed in the ‘80s when the philosophy was ‘succeed, make money and spend it.’ And I think it’s time to stand back and start spending as much energy thinking about other people.”

I thought, at 646 pages, Baldridge’s book would be le dernier cri . Yet, it’s beaten hands down in sheer heft and chutzpah by fellow Washingtonian Judith Martin’s latest opus, released in November and entitled grandly enough, “Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium.” The syndicated columnist takes 742 pages to impart her wit and wisdom on contemporary quandaries from the decline of the nuclear family to the rise in women in the workplace.

Are things really that bad to warrant so much space? “Certainly,” Martin sniffs. “We have such a long way to go to get to some place approaching civilization.”

It’s her view that American society is coming to the end of a generation-long experiment that started in the ‘60s when the baby-boomers decided just to chuck existing rules of behavior and be themselves.

“This is what I call the Jean Jacques Rousseau School of Etiquette,” Miss Manners relates. “The problem being that in our natural state we’re not all that livable.”

In addition, Martin sees our current social situation complicated by two main factors: technology— the fax machine and answering machines weren’t ubiquitous a decade ago— and sex. Not only are sexually transmitted diseases a topic that must be addressed these days, but so is sexual etiquette in the workplace.

“The very simple rule that takes care of most of these problems— that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace— is a very difficult concept to get across. Because once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled by rank and position.”

Compare that to the Mayflower Madam. She was only too willing to be interviewed about this month’s “Mayflower Manners,” which describes itself as an “Etiquette for Consenting Adults.” Of course, Barrows is the very picture of politeness as she delves into such uncharted territory as: Is it rude to rip an exotic garment off a woman? (It depends on how much the thing costs.) Or when two people meet through personal ads, who is the host? (Whoever placed the ad.) Or even whether there are basic principles of etiquette that apply to the menage a trois. (No one should show favoritism.)

Barrows, of course, believes she’s providing a valuable public service. “I don’t think you’ll find anywhere in the other books the proper etiquette for treating a call girl or escort service. And I don’t think you’ll see too many pages on how to behave at an S & M party in a club or a private home.

“A lot of people think, ‘Ugh, an etiquette book’ and think of Letitia Baldridge and all that dry, ponderous stuff,” says Barrows, defending her lighter touch. “That’s what makes my book fun.”

But it wasn’t fun at all when a seemingly simple question about AIDS drew Barrows into a national controversy recently and one gay activist group in New York City claimed the Mayflower Madam had made a major faux pas.

The question was: “If a host invites a known carrier of AIDS to a dinner party, should he so inform his other guests?”

Barrows responded: “Yes. Most people will know that they cannot contract the disease by being seated at a dinner table with a carrier. But it is a courtesy to all to let them know ahead of time.”

As a result, Barrows was “disinvited” to the premiere of a movie, while her publisher, Doubleday, was asked to issue an apology.

Using language not printable in a family newspaper, Barrows fumed that she had been the victim of a setup by “a very radical gay group that’s always looking for media attention. How could I be disinvited to something when I was never invited in the first place? This whole thing is so personally upsetting to me I can’t tell you. It’s a real nightmare.”

As for what to do in the situation, Barrows still sticks by her advice. “I have a huge number of gay friends and every time I’ve ever been invited anywhere I was always told if there was somebody with AIDS who was going to be there. Not because these people were trying to warn me. But because they wanted other guests to have an extra level of sensitivity.”

On the other hand, both Baldridge and Martin didn’t see the necessity for telling anyone anything. “At most respectable dinner parties,” notes Miss Manners, “there wouldn’t be any activity where you would catch AIDS so I don’t see why you should have to tell people.”

But etiquette arbiter Charlotte Ford professed some confusion as to what to do. “Hmmm. Such a tough situation,” she murmured. “I think there are certain people who don’t care, and there are other people who would be just devastated if they were at a party with someone who had AIDS.”

Her solution, she decided, was simply not to invite the person with AIDS to dinner— which AIDS support groups say is also wrong.

So who’s right, Amy? I honestly don’t know. The only thing I’m certain of is that by next week, next month, next year, another social phenomenon will create another conundrum for etiquette experts.

And, Amy, you won’t be here to help us through it.

What’s the office etiquette when men and women work together?

JUDITH MARTIN: The very simple rule that takes care of most problems is that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace. Once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled. It should be settled just as if it were an all-male workplace— by rank and position.

CHARLOTTE FORD: If I was a woman and invited to dinner by a male colleague, I would certainly say, “Let’s have lunch first.” I just wouldn’t be available for dinner.

How do you ask a man to wear a condom?

LETITIA BALDRIDGE: You can say to him, “I’m very sorry, but if you don’t use a condom, there’s just no way we can be together.” You can then give him some, or tell him where the nearest drugstore is, or tell him, “Let’s have dinner another night,” and send him away.

MARTIN: If you know the person well enough to make that necessary, you ought to be able to say anything. What amuses me is when people shift into prudery. If you are on intimate terms with somebody, surely you can ask them intimate questions.

FORD: I’d be a little bit embarrassed and a little bit shy and say, “Listen, I hope you’ve taken some sort of protection because I don’t want to contract any diseases, and I’m sure you don’t either.”

SYDNEY BIDDLE BARROWS: It is not seemly, nor necessary, to smile on the first date and say, “Love your dress. By the way, will you be giving me a fatal disease?” Instead, allow time to pass--that’s what these dates are for, after all. By the time sex seems a possibility, you will have necessarily both crossed that line beyond which these sensitive issues may be discussed.

If you’re giving a dinner party and invite someone who has AIDS, should you tell your other guests?

BALDRIDGE: I don’t think you tell anybody that the person has AIDS. Because frankly the guests are not catching AIDS from that person. It really isn’t relevant.

MARTIN: It depends on the activity of the dinner party. At most respectable dinner parties, there wouldn’t be any activity where you would catch AIDS, so I don’t see why should have to tell people. Would you tell your guests that one of them had cancer? But if you were giving an orgy, I think you should tell people.

FORD: I don’t know that I would invite somebody to dinner knowing they have AIDS, simply because I think it would make everybody very uncomfortable. But I think it all depends on the situation. If you are going to do that, I think you have to be very careful how you do it and whom you invite.

BARROWS: Yes. Most people will know that they cannot contract the disease by being seated at a dinner table with a carrier. But it is a courtesy to all to let them know ahead of time.

What is the proper way to use your answering machine?

BALDRIDGE: The best way is to record as short a message as possible, 15 seconds, and be very business-like and be very up.

MARTIN: The telephone is a very rude instrument. Monitoring calls on the answering machine is polite. People somehow put the onus of politeness mistakenly against people who do not accept all calls at any time. There is nothing wrong with picking and choosing.

Is it polite for a mother to breast-feed her baby in public?

BALDRIDGE: Definitely not. Anyone looking over, especially any man, immediately starts to conjecture about the size and shape of the breast.

MARTIN: No. In some countries people breast - feed on the street, but it is not done properly in the United States, and the argument that it is a natural thing bears no weight with me.

FORD: I’ve always said that whatever a mother wants to do is her business. The only thing is, I think you should do it in private. Go to an airport area not populated by people, go into another room in someone’s house.

If a child has several sets of parents because of divorces, how do you decide who should come to school on parents’ day?

BALDRIDGE: It’s up to the child to decide whom he or she wants. The child should ask that parent to come and then apologize to the others and explain why they weren’t asked.

FORD: It all depends on the relationship between the adults. Forget the children. It’s the adults that set the mood for whatever the function’s going to be. It’s very, very hard, but somebody’s got to bite the bullet.

MARTIN: That is incredibly complicated. I’d say parents, their mates and assorted other people who want to be involved. I was president of a school board where we didn’t realize for a long time that it was offensive to send out questionnaires where it gave only one line for “mother’s name” and “father’s name.” So we would put four lines under each for families to do what they liked. So those things have had to be adjusted.

What is the worst new breach of entertaining etiquette?

BALDRIDGE: Some people feel that they should turn on their TV sets even at dinner parties. I’ve seen guests leave the table to go and watch their favorite football game in the library.

MARTIN: The understood social contract whereby the host sets the terms of the contract and the guests can take it or leave it has broken down miserably. People now consider an invitation to be the opening of negotiations. You tell me what you’re serving for dinner, and then I tell you this is going to kill me, or you tell me who the other guests are and then I decide if I want to accept. And heaven forbid if you try to set a dress code.

FORD: Hosts who ask guests to take their shoes off. You have to respect your host’s wishes. But as somebody said, if their carpets are that good, why do they ever have any guests? — By Nikki Finke, Los Angeles Times, 1990

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, , is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Party Etiquette Do’s and Don'ts

What type of dinner party will you be inviting guests to? An alfresco candlelight party on the patio?  A formal dinner party in your dining room? — “Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.”

A few years ago, Dorothea Johnson, former etiquette writer for the Washington Star and entertainment lecturer for the Foreign Service Institute, received an invitation to “A Party.”

“It said, ‘Regrets only,’ but I phoned the hostess anyway to ask her what kind of party it was,” Johnson recounted at a recent lecture, “and she said, ‘Oh, just a party.’ I asked her, ‘What should I wear?,’ and she said, ‘Oh, anything.’ So I asked, ‘What are you wearing?’

“ ‘Oh, I haven’t given it a thought,’ came the reply.”

Johnson said she got out her I’m-not-sure dress, which is a basic black, “and my husband saw it and got out his I’m-not-sure suit— a three-piece gray.” They arrived at the party only to discover everyone else there dressed more casually “except a liaison from the British Embassy who said, ‘I say, aren’t we overdressed?’ ”


Hostesses should be kinder to their guests, said Johnson, a veteran of countless parties here and in the 20 other posts where her Marine family has been stationed.

More Than When and Where

Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.

All of this information should be issued by phone, she said. “I lecture to people in the diplomatic corps, and all over the world hostesses are having trouble with invitations. I haven’t sent out an invitation in eight years.”

Reminder in Mail

Instead, she gets a yes or no by phone, and then follows up with a reminder in the mail about a week before the party, giving the same details and including a map for newcomers. She issues the telephone invitation one to two months in advance because “around here, you have to get your bid in early.”

Then she gets out her calendar and breaks down the preparation for the party into several steps, doing as much as possible in the days and weeks before the party occurs.

“I try to do almost nothing the day of the party, so I can be relaxed for my guests,” she said. She said this is the key to a good party. “If you’re relaxed, your guests will be relaxed and will leave your place happy.”

It’s easier to stay relaxed if you start with the kind of party with which you’re most comfortable, she said.

“You don’t need to copy your neighbor or your friend, although I’m not above stealing a good idea here and there.”

Keep Menu Simple

She also emphasized that the food one prepares is not the key to a successful party. “If the food is splendid or elaborate, but you’re a nervous wreck, what do you think your guests will remember?” Simple food that can be prepared in advance and heated up quickly does best, and no more than three courses are necessary (main dish, salad and dessert).

You should also check with your guests before planning the menu, especially if you plan to serve foods that may be taboo to many: pork, seafood, foods cooked or soaked with liquor.

Johnson avoids serving fowl with bones (“I don’t think guests should have to struggle with it”) and anything that requires cutting, if the party is a buffet. “I’ve seen too many accidents happen when people hold their plates on their laps and try to cut,” she said.

Some Washington hostesses she interviewed for her column confessed that they use the same menus every year and that it doesn’t bother them. “They say that people don’t come for the food, anyway.”

Party Pointers

Here are some of Johnson’s party props:

— Pink light bulbs. “These make the women look beautiful and the men look handsome, and hide the dust,” she said.

— Tablecloths. She makes them out of inexpensive cotton or sheets on sale, and protects them from dripping wax by charring her candles before the party (lighting them, blowing them out and pinching off the charred wick). She also wards against spills from hot drinks by filling cups no more than three-quarters full--and serving them in the living room, if possible.

A last safety precaution is to set the table first with service plates— large glass plates that remain on the table throughout the changes of course. “I was once complimented on my fine Swedish crystal plates until I just couldn’t stand it,” she said, “and had to confess that they’re Pyrex pizza plates I bought for $1.29 each from the PX (post exchange).”

— Menus. Johnson writes out a copy on anything from informal note paper to paper bags (for a picnic) and places them between the place settings.

— Seating. She makes up a chart ahead of time and uses place cards, because she believes that saying, “Oh, just sit anywhere,” means you don’t care. Another Washington hostess uses place cards as a conversation piece. “She makes up clever names for each of her guests,” Johnson explained. “I’m always Emily Post Jr. A retired Naval officer was the Old Man of the Sea, and one fellow--a really shy man--was the Swinger.”

— Guests of honor. Honoring a special friend is a great excuse for a party, Johnson said. Remember that an honored male guest sits on the hostess’s right and an honored female guest to the right of the host. The place of honor in the living room, she said, is the right-hand side of the couch--a place that more than one unfortunate member of the diplomatic corps has unknowingly usurped, she reported.

Soup in Cups

— Hors d’oeuvres. Johnson doesn’t serve these anymore, substituting a soup course that she serves in cups while her guests are still in the living room.

— Buffet. A clever way to bring people to the buffet line is to slip the men names of women they are to escort, she said, or draw seasonal decorations (such as Christmas trees and shamrocks), cut them in patterns down the middle and have the two genders match up the halves. “That way married couples don’t always sit together.”

Johnson also advises hostesses to try sitting everywhere they expect their guests to sit (including the floor) to see if it’s comfortable —and reliable (“I’ve seen chairs break on guests”)— and serving beverages from a tray after everyone’s been served their food rather than have people balance a plate, silverware, napkin and glass as they wander about looking for a place to sit.

— Conversation. She advises using Eleanor Roosevelt’s trick with the alphabet: “She’d start with ‘A’ and think, apples— Aren’t the apples lovely this year? If that bombs, she’d go to ‘B,’ books —Has anyone read any good books lately? One night, they say, she got home and told F.D.R. about a terrible evening— she’d gotten all the way to ‘W’!”

She also helps ensure good conversation by never inviting only people from the same office or occupation and inviting “at least one new couple” to every party.

— Working women. She’s seen some splendid parties done all with carryout food, “and nobody knew but the hostess and me.” By setting the table the night before and coming home early enough to dump the carryout into pots and scoop ice cream into fancy dishes, you can pull off an elegant party--without having to ask your guests to help. — By Deborah Churchman, The Christian Science Monitor, Washington 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A “What’s Wrong” School of Etiquette

In the decade from 1920 to 1930, about a dozen books of etiquette were published and promoted, including those by Lillian Eichler, Emily Holt and Emily Post. One columnist thought etiquette’s popularity had waned by 1925, however, the 1920’s - 1930’s “Etiquette Era” was just taking a brief break, and would continue for over 10 more years. —Thousands and hundreds of thousands of assorted Americans are worrying over what is wrong with “this picture” and perspiring freely over the choice of forks at a banquet, or words at an introduction.

Frenzied Etiquette 

The latest great non-essential industry to occupy the attention of the American people appears to be a nation-wide concern for the manufacture, sale and use of a more strict etiquette. Led sheep-wise, by a publicity campaign comparable only to the merchandising effort that put Harold Bell Wright on the literary map of the universe, thousands and hundreds of thousands of assorted Americans are worrying over what is wrong with “this picture,” and perspiring freely over the choice of forks at a banquet, or words at an introduction. Like marathon dancing, this activity affords a somewhat painful picture to the observer, but brings with it the comforting thought that so much fruitless enthusiasm will soon burn itself out and be over with. 

The most painful aspect of the craze is the general tone of snobbishness and the laudation of ridicule and embarrassment as a means of teaching “good manners.” Knowledge of etiquette is, of course, nothing to become snobbish about, and the most casual thought will reveal the inadequacy of embarrassment as a preceptor. What the campaign would amount to if it amounted to anything, would be to make the American people a nation of self-conscious dummies, painfully eager to do the “right thing,” horribly fearful of doing the opposite, continually uncomfortable, gauche and ridiculous. There are as many don’ts in the average encyclopedia of cheap etiquette as there are symptoms in a patent medicine almanac. As the symptoms aim to catalogue every possible reaction of the reader’s sensory apparatus, so the admonitions of the etiquette books aim to interpose in every possible situation of daily conduct. 

The aim of the medicine man’s almanac was to make the reader acutely uncomfortable till he “falls for” the medicine man’s product and the aim of the etiquette books is the same. There’s no cause for alarm, of course, in the sudden rise of the “What’s Wrong” school of literature, because the craze for it is happily only a craze, and therefore impermanent. Its effects probably won’t endure long enough to stamp our national subconscious —we’re talking nonsense now —with an inferiority complex. We’ll get over it all right, but like the baby-talk stage of the flapper’s progress, it’s uncomfortable while it lasts. — San Diego Union, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia