Showing posts with label Etiquette and Discretion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Etiquette and Discretion. Show all posts

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Etiquette and Confidentiality

 Keeping a Confidential Conversation Private

Young Couple

Knowing when to share a piece of information, and when not to share it, is a life-long learning process.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes in this regard.

At the same time, to be someone others can count on, you have to know when to keep a confidential conversation to yourself.  If you can't do this, you won't be considered trustworthy, and this can be costly when you think of the friendships and opportunities you may be losing.

How to Know When It's Confidential

You know you're in a confidential conversation when someone says, "This is just between us," "Please don't say anything, but . . ." or, "I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, can't I?"

However, a request for confidentiality is not always verbalized, so it is important to train yourself for mindfulness.  If the person with whom you are speaking changes the tone of or lowers his voice, you are likely to hear something that shouldn't be repeated.

If you're comfortable doing so, ask the person directly if what she is sharing is private.  Or you might just say, "I'll keep this confidential."

In fact, when it comes to sharing information, establishing some ground rules for yourself may be helpful:

  • Always consider the information from another person's perspective.  Can the facts be misconstrued at all?
  • Never say anything personal about someone unless that person is present, or if you can imagine her standing right next to you.
  • Never participate in gossip or harshly delivered messages.
  • The Bottom Line Rule of Thumb: if information is revealed that seems in any way personal to someone or his business, never repeat it.


When a Confidential Conversation Goes Public

What do you do if a friend or co-worker doesn't respect a confidential conversation?  You can always ask the person if he has permission to share what he's telling you.  And if what he's sharing is not professional or friendly, you can stop him and mention that you prefer not to participate.

You might also call for a higher standard of conversation: "John, I know you are a person who doesn't like office gossip, so let's raise the bar here."

When you are the brunt of the conversation, however, it is very difficult not to take it personally.  But try to remain cool, calm, and collected.

After much thought on what you will say, go to the source of the gossip and discuss the situation.  Try and understand, without direct accusation, what the underlying concern is.  It may be that what you told her was misunderstood and then not handled appropriately.

Consider your own behavior and words.  Did you share a confidential conversation with the wrong person?  Someone you shouldn't have trusted?  Or did you share information that wasn't yours to share?

If you were seeking relief by relying on a trusted friend, you probably feel very betrayed if that person did not keep your confidence.  You may need to take a stand with that person and be clear that what is being said (or done) is not appropriate.  Unfortunately, you may also have to accept that it can take time for publicized information to die down.

Communication is Key

Remember, communication is the goal of any conversation.  Having a reason, a purpose, for talking with someone else helps you keep your words aligned with that purpose.  And, hopefully, that purpose is never to spread confidential information.


 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia


Monday, August 5, 2019

Etiquette of Modern Era Butlers

“For the new super-rich, an English butler is a status symbol to line up alongside the Swiss banker, French chef, German car manufacturer, and Italian lover. The English are seen as refined, dignified, deferential, reserved, formal when needed, and able to adapt to any given situation without giving way to emotion or anxiety. They are also there to bring sophistication and old-world charm to the halls of their otherwise ostentatious homes; a touch of class alongside the gold taps and garish chandeliers.” –“... the two most desirable qualities in a good butler are loyalty and discretion. Loyalty, but also the ability to ignore his pretensions (and there are many), and discretion as a confidant who can also stay socially aloof.” The Guardian, 2011, photo source Pinterest 

Running households for the rich has payoffs for Coachella Valley’s top domestics 

Imagine having a butler order custom brass or porcelain matchboxes for your party guests. Or employing three butlers; one to oversee household operations, one to take care of paintings and another to polish floors. That might seem a little far-fetched to most people, but not those in the Coachella Valley. Butlers may not be as plentiful now as they were 100 years ago, but the profession is far from dying out. Butlers are in demand, particularly by single business professionals and entrepreneurs with new wealth, according to local butlers and two Palm Springs employment agencies “There is a bigger demand here for butlers because of the influx of wealth into the valley. 


The younger blue bloods in the 1960’s were out there doing their own thing Now they are going back to the old style,” said Michael, a butler for an affluent local businessman. Michael, 40, spoke on the condition his name not be used, thus ensuring anonymity for his employer as well as for himself. “Discretion is of the utmost importance,” he said. “There are some things about an employer that you wouldn't even tell your brother.” Michael has worked his way up through the ranks, learning the business as he went along. “You learn as things happen,” he said, “I used to move with great caution. If I made a mistake around guests, I would move swiftly, like nothing happened. If you make a mistake and get nervous, you’ll make the people around you nervous.” 

He has worked for British aristocrats, royalty and Australian diplomats. The story of his career sounds like a fairy tale. Michael, the youngest of six children, was reared in an old-fashioned home in Ireland At age 16, he landed a job as a pantry man for Sir Edward and Lady Wills, at the tobacco magnate’s eight-bedroom country estate in Berkshire, England His assignments: polishing the silver, cleaning “a huge hallway" and setting aside silverware, glasses and plates for the head butler to set the table. 

Employers with large domestic staffs rank butlers according to their responsibilities. The first or head butler is usually given the coveted duties. His tasks include greeting guests, pouring tea, serving dinner, planning menus and managing the domestic staff. Although Michael was promoted from pantry man to third butler, he soon grew weary of life on the secluded estate. After he and the other domestics returned from the Wills’ annual stay at the family castle in Scotland, he left for London. He then worked as the second butler for the Duke of Gloucester at St James Palace in London. His duties included serving afternoon teas for world figures such as Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, King Hussein of Jordan and Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands. “Working with royalty was more important for my mother than for me.” Michael said “She took great pride in my profession. I was taught a lot about how to work in a very formal environment with people on a one-to-one basis.” 

In England, butlers often exchange notes on the tastes of the people they serve Michael said it was common for butlers to call each other before a dinner party to learn what foods the guests liked or disliked. When guests arrived, they were greeted with their favorite drinks without having to ask. Michael said to be a butler, “you have to have a lot of dedication. And tranquility must prevail at all times.” Sometimes striving for perfection is hard to turn off. Michael admitted he has a habit of arranging other people’s tables when he is a dinner guest. 

Like Michael, valley resident Jackson, who didn’t want his last name used, also worked his way up the ladder to his status as butler Jackson. 36, became a hotel busboy at age 16 and later worked at a variety of jobs. It was in Las Vegas that he entered domestic service, working at a seven-acre home once owned by billionaire Howard Hughes For nine years he took charge of the estate and even managed the rearing and breeding of Andalusian horses. “When you work for a family you become part of the family on the service side. You see children grow up,” Jackson said. When his employers were divorced, Jackson decided he wanted a change His next job was in Beverly Hills. "I worked briefly for a Hollywood’ wife. I wish her husband would find out the truth,” he said, referring to her extramarital affairs. “A lot of those women have their noses up two inches higher than God intended. But they can’t fool the butler because I've seen it all.” 

Jackson, who has been a butler for 14 years, said he doesn’t mind being called a servant. “I’m there to serve the needs of the family. We’re all servants in life. You’re providing a service to your employer,” he said. His present boss is listed in Forbes Magazine as one of the nation's wealthiest men. “I work within a budget and spend the money as if it were my own.” Jackson said money isn’t a concern when planning a lavish party. The key to being a butler, Jackson said, is knowing your employers’ habits and keeping them content and happy. “What makes a good butler is surprising their (the employers) lives with new things, like food. Or using floral arrangements to create a little spark that gives them something new to look at. Doing things always to please them . . never to embarrass them,” he said. Jackson said he loves his job because it enables him to be around the ultra-rich. 

Charles, who also wanted anonymity, said he’s been a butler/houseman for 25 years. His local employer is also well-to-do. “I chose to be a butler because I found it a means of always being employed," he said, “There are always going to be wealthy people and wealthy people can always afford help.” He is an American butler who grew up in an area where there was no work except as domestic help. “I went to school and worked part time as valet," Charles said. “After I finished school, I had trouble finding a job. I went back to being a domestic because you usually have room and board, a very decent salary and ample time off.” Also, a car allowance is often provided. “If you’re smart, you can pretty much keep all you earn," Charles said. 

Palm Springs resident Sonny Karlsson, 45, arrived in the United States from Sweden in 1964. “When I came to America I didn’t have any idea about being a butler, other than what I saw in the movies,” he said. One year later, he was a Beverly Hills butler for Lita Annenberg Hazen, sister of Rancho Mirage resident Walter Annenberg. Five years later Karlsson went into business for himself, mainly serving dinners as an on-call butler. His clients included the late Henry Fonda, Kirk Douglas, Bob Hope, Danny Kaye and the late Walt Disney, he said. Karlsson also worked for Mrs. Henry Ford 11. He served at “very, very formal dinner parties” and once worked for five weeks at her Long Island estate. He is still in business serving dinners, but his 25-year-old son now helps. Karlsson, Charles, Jackson and Michael agreed that a live-in butler’s life is hard work, but they say the pay is good with a $500 average weekly salary. Jan Williams of the Palm Springs Employment Agency said her firm has placed butlers with monthly salaries ranging from $800 to $2,000, depending upon the butler’s experience and the employer’s needs. “Employers usually want incredible reference checks and a great work background,” Ms. Williams said. The wealthy who live on large estates frequently demand security checks with the FBI. 

“When butlers are working with larger estates, naturally they’re going to be in contact with diplomats from all over the world,” she added The head of the household usually interviews butler candidates himself, Ms. Williams said. Ms. Williams and Dorothy “Sully” Sulman, of Surfside Services Agency in Palm Springs, said many people still maintain that the stereotypical English butler is tops. Ms. Sulman said, “A true domestic is one who smiles, does what he is told and keeps his mouth shut. In other words, what goes on in the household is nobody’s business. Butlers are servants, period. They serve.” 

Butlers in Southern California frequently come to Palm Springs in search of work and solitude, she said. “Butlers in Beverly Hills and Hollywood are killing themselves with kinky parties and Mickey Mouse parties,” Ms. Sulman said. “They have to tolerate what goes on there. So, they come here when they get tired of working at that level and under the stress of that particular kind of world.” Ms, Sulman said many local employers who want butlers are “geriatric people” who need to be pampered. Why do Coachella Valley residents hire butlers? “So they never run out of anything and when they reach out for something, it’s there,” Ms. Sulman explained. – By Noel Fletcher, Desert Sun News, 1985 


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Etiquette and What’s Overheard

What to Do When You Overhear Conversations

When you overhear conversations between other people, there are a variety of reactions that may occur. You may be disturbed, entertained, surprised, or saddened, among other feelings.

Even when you have no intention of listening, it is easy to become drawn in, especially if you have an opinion about the topic, or if the topic affects you personally. While there isn't much to be done about people conversing in public or shared spaces, there are things you can do to manage what you might hear.

Cell Phone Conversations

Overhearing someone on a cell phone can be very distracting! Mostly because you pick up on the half of the conversation you can hear, and begin assuming the other half of the conversation you can't hear.

You feel as if you are eavesdropping when you're really not. After all, the conversation entered your space.

Whenever this happens and I become annoyed by it, someone near and dear to me always advises, "Just don't listen." Easier said than done, so if it's possible to move away from a phone conversation, I do. But when it's not, I make the best of it, sometimes giving my imagination a little exercise.

If you need to take a call in a public or shared space, keep it short - and quiet. And if you can move to a more private space to take your call, the people around you will appreciate it.

Conversations at Work

Open work spaces allow for much information sharing. Some of it you don't need to know, or don't want to hear.

Discretion is a valuable commodity for professionals. The bottom line is, even if you don't work in an open office environment, there are likely times when you will overhear conversations or see written materials that were not meant for you. This information is not to be shared.

However, if these conversations are not work related and the circumstances of your overhearing them seem to repeat themselves, it's a good idea to let the parties involved know that you hear them talking and remind them to be more discreet in a professional environment.

I Can Hear You!

In the grand scheme of things, we live in a free society where most people feel comfortable speaking their thoughts. While this is something to be valued, we forget that our words will enter the space of other people who may have no appreciation for them for whatever reason.

As a listener, you might offer these solutions:

  • Consider letting the person(s) know that you are overhearing them, if doing so wouldn't be a distraction to others.
  • If the people talking don't know you are there, say or do something to be noticed. Try clearing your throat or coughing.
  • Don't repeat what you heard to others. This will only light the fire of gossip.
  • If you know someone who isn't aware she is being overheard, you can interrupt politely with a question related to another subject. In private, mention the reason you were trying to change the conversation.
  • If you are at a restaurant and are bothered by someone who is talking loudly, ask your server or the manager if you can move to another table.

Should You Try to Help?

What is probably the hardest thing about overhearing someone talking is when there is an obvious conflict or sadness, and you wonder if you should break the boundaries of personal space and see if you can help. If you hear an argument through the walls of a hotel room and it sounds serious, or you hear someone sobbing as they’re talking on the phone, should you do anything?

Should you then choose to eavesdrop for the purpose of standing ready to help someone?

We always want to be available to help someone, to give an encouraging word, or to have enough information to say the right thing. This means taking risks, erring on the side of more listening rather than less.

The decision to get involved in a situation like this is a very personal choice. It's also important to understand that your offer of help may be rejected.


Meet our newest contributor, Candace Smith... A retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia