Global Etiquette of Parting Ways

“An English woman shakes hands with a man of her acquaintance, while in Spain she always gives her hand to be kissed.” – During the late 19th C. Gilded Age, wealthy American men adopted the custom of kissing a lady’s hand. It was often seen at the time being done by the men of the aristocracy in Europe. American women found it charming at the time. Many still do to this day! – Above, Pinterest image of Larry Russell and Marian Brook of HBO’s “The Gilded Age”

Of Kissing and Weeping

An English journal prints the following: “A very disagreeable habit of the King of Portugal is that he kisses his male friends. The Princes of our reigning house all do this, and of course it is common enough abroad; but, thank heaven, so far this nasty looking (no matter how really innocent) habit has never become fashionable in this country. 

It is of course all a mere question of etiquette, but let us fervently pray that Englishmen when they meet with or part from their friends will never get to think it the correct thing to kiss one another. Etiquette in parting varies all over the world. In America the men shake hands and the women kiss one another and sometimes cry, for the American ladies are champion ‘weepists.’ 

In France and in Italy, even more the women weep, while the men kiss and hug one another almost as vigorously as if they were in a wrestling match. An English woman shakes hands with a man of her acquaintance, while in Spain she always gives her hand to be kissed. It makes the same sensation in Madrid for a man to take a woman’s hand and shake it as it would in London for a foreigner to seize a lady's hand and kiss it.” – Humboldt Democrat, 1896

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia

Etiquette for the Tea or Breakfast Table

Settings for Tea have changed very little over the past 200 years. Settings for Breakfasts have changed dramatically, however, as breakfasts have become less and less formal, with far fewer foods served, than they were in the 19th century, through to the gilded age, and Edwardian era in the early 20th century. 

Setting a Table for Breakfast or Tea

1. Lay the rug square with the room, and smooth and even.

2. Set the table square with the room, and see that the legs are properly placed to support the leaves and to stand firmly.

3. Put on the tablecloth, square with the table, and make it lie smooth and even.

4. Put on the waiter, for breakfast or tea, and set the saucers and cups on in two or three piles, and the spoons in the slop-bowl; or, if there are few persons to eat, set the cups in the saucers, with a spoon to each. Set the sugar and slop-bowls and cream-cup the back side of the waiter, and put the spoon or sugar-tongs on the sugar-bowl.

5. Lay the mats on the table, in a regular order, and set the plates around the table, at regular distances, putting at each plate a napkin, and a cup-stand.

6. Put a knife and fork to each plate, laying them even, and all in a similar manner. If meat is used, put the carving-knife and fork and steel by the master of the house.

7. Set the tea or coffee-pot on a mat, at the right side of the waiter, and the dishes on the mats, putting them in a regular order.

8. If meat is used, set the caster in the center, and at two oblique corners set the salt, between two large spoons crossed. Lay the salt-spoons across the stands, and put the mustard-spoon by its cup.

9. Set the chairs.

From Catharine E. Beecher’s, “A Treatise on Domestic Economy,” 1841

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette and Chaperones

Though this was written in the Gilded Age, chaperones were still in fashion until after WWII. This photo (by an unknown photographer) shows Mrs. Chambers (chaperone), Bonnie Mealing, Clare Dennis, Frances Bult, Eileen Wearne, Thelma Kench (N.Z. sprinter) at the 1932 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, California, USA.
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“Chaperone” or “Chaperon”? “Chaperone” is the modern English spelling of the word and used more often than the older, more antiquated spelling of “chaperon.” – Image source, Wikipedia

The need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers. Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna young woman carefully guarded in her home. It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.

In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in society, to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance.

The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.

The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends. Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to any place of public amusement.

No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. – From a 19th C. Book of Manners, by an Anonymous Author

⚜️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for New Couples

You have a little band around the third finger of your left hand in which is set a turquois, and when it was put there you remembered that the ‘Hindoo’ said: “He who hath a turquois hath a friend.” 

When Girls Are Engaged

You have a little band around the third finger of your left hand in which is set a turquois, and when it was put there you remembered that the ‘Hindoo’ said: “He who hath a turquois hath a friend.” 

Now, that’s what you have in the man you love best, and whose wife you are going to become — a friend. He is your sweetheart, your lover, it is true, but because to you his heart seems best worth having, his love the richest gift you can possess, you will not vulgarize, as many girls do, the tie that binds you. 

It is true you go with him alone to hear some wonderful music, or look at some fine pictures, but I hope it is not true that when you are at a party or in your own home you two pair-off and make yourselves the objects for silly. chatter and idiotic jesting.—Ladies’ Home Journal, 1892

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Gilded Age Wedding Gift Etiquette

Array of Gilded Age combination salt cellars and napkin holders, patented in 1877. A set of any of these designs would make a lovely wedding gift for the bride and groom who enjoy entertaining. A salt cellar and napkin, after all, would be the required etiquette for each place setting at a dinner party or luncheon.

A good rule is to send a wedding present a couple of weeks at least before the wedding, as gifts sent early are sure of being much more appreciated than those that come from all quarters at the last moment. By observing this rule the sender will not hear “the salt cellars you so kindly sent were charming"- the third set already received.”

The package should be addressed to the bride if you are intimate with both the prospective bride and groom: and to the bride's house, addressed to the bridegroom if it is he with whom you are best acquainted.

The future circumstances of the recipients should govern the choice of gifts, and if they will not be particularly well off it is only kind to select some useful present instead of something artistic and pretty but of no use to them. – The Social Mirror, 1899

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age “New” Wedding Etiquette

It was the accepted fashion a little while ago for the bride to go to the altar leaning on the arm of her father, brother or whichever male relative was chosen, to give her away. Now this custom is rather more frequently honored in the breach than otherwise, for the bride has come to the conclusion that not only is a supporting arm not needed, but that she makes a more striking and effective appearance proceeding up the aisle alone. - Pinterest image of Consuelo Vanderbilt in her wedding dress in 1895, when she married Charles Spencer Churchill, the 9th Duke of Marlborough.

More “New” Wedding Etiquette

Of 1899

For this Spring a new type of announcement card has been issued very successfully. It consists of a small Bristol-board square bearing the maiden name and address of the lady, tied by a bit of white ribbon to a larger card, on which is engraved her married name, coupled with that of her husband, and then below their address and day at home. Too many persons are negligent in acknowledging the receipt of a wedding invitation, or are puzzled to know just how such an invitation should be treated, accepted or regretted. 

One fixed rule to keep in mind is the importance of acknowledging this courtesy and doing so promptly. If asked to the church, answer by the accepted formula in the third person, saying Mr. and Mrs. Blank accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. So-and-Sos kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter on June 21st, at 3:30 oclock, at St. Johns church, or Mr. and Mrs. Blank regret that illness (or absence) will prevent their acceptance, etc… This same phrase is employed when the invitation is to the church and the house after the ceremony, the sentence and to the breakfast (or reception) at 4 o'clock added at the end of the page on which the reply is given. 

It is now regarded as not only inconsiderate, but a distinct ill-omen for a bride to keep her guests and fiancé waiting one moment over the time set for the ceremony, and brides of this Spring have proudly boasted that they stepped into the church aisle exactly as the clock struck the hour. This Spring also the superstitious fancy has arisen for catering to the lucky fates by putting the right foot first on entering the chancel, on turning to leave the chancel and on entering the carriage. 

White lilac and asparagus fern has been the choicest bridal bouquet since the lilacs came into flower, but with the passing of these nothing has been considered smarter, than a bouquet of pure white rhododendrons and acacia blossoms. White sweet peas and asparagus fern is another lovely combination very much the mode, and it seems to be the universal custom now for every wedding guest to wear a buttonhole bouquet or breast knob of white flowers. 

It was the accepted fashion a little while ago for the bride to go to the altar leaning on the arm of her father, brother or whichever male relative was chosen, to give her away. Now this custom is rather more frequently honored in the breach than otherwise, for the bride has come to the conclusion that not only is a supporting arm not needed, but that she makes a more striking and effective appearance proceeding up the aisle alone. When this form of procession is adopted the father of the bride gives his wife his arm up the aisle, and only when his daughter is at the foot of the chancel steps does he come forward, take her hand in his. hand her to her fiancé, and stand beside her until the marriage lines are all pronounced. 

Where do the relatives come in and what does the best man do with his hat are the questions that cause anxiety occasionally. Abroad they follow the very expressive custom of lengthening out the bridal cortege with the lady's parents and immediate relatives. When the wedding march begins, following the bridesmaids, the mother of the bride goes up the aisle on the arm of her son, or grandparents go first, followed by married sisters and brothers of the bride, her aunts and uncles and even her cousins. 

This is occasionally the arrangement in America, though, as a rule, the family come in first, quietly take their places, and the wedding march announces the bride, preceded by the ushers and flower girls and followed by her maids. The mother of the bride usually comes to the church in the carriage with the head bridesmaid or maid of honor, and the other members of the family arrive with the other attendants. When the ceremony is over the mother and father go down the aisle together, and then the remainder of the family follow and pass out by the central door.

The best man leaves his hat in the vestry and gloves as well, because he must, at the altar, hold the hat and gloves of the groom, and he would present a very overworked aspect if he stood at attention with a high hat in either hand. When he gives the groom his hat and gloves he returns hurriedly to. the vestry, picks up his own belongings and drives away to the bride's house from the side entrance of the church. 

A woman who is married in a traveling-dress ought not to have any bridesmaids. Her bouquet can be held during the ceremony by the relative who gives her away, and when a couple are married and leave at once for their honeymoon journey, the groom goes to the train or steamship in the frock coat in which he was married. – Stockton Mail, 1899

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Wedding Etiquette Customs

“Only recently have we adopted the English custom of displaying the wedding gifts, and this is done just two days before the marriage, in the library, and a luncheon is given or refreshments served to those bidden to view the jewels and silver, etc…” – Depiction of a Ducal Wedding –The marriage of the Duke of Portland and Miss Dallas-Yorke at St. Peter’s Church, Eaton Square, which in 1889 as a fashionable church for weddings, shared the honours with St. George’s, Hanover Square – Image source, Pinterest

New Wedding Etiquette

It is No Longer Correct to Collect an Elaborate Trousseau 

Until this season, brides-elect never appeared at any social gathering of importance after their wedding cards were issued. That rule is now a dead letter, and up to the day before her wedding a young woman is seen everywhere. Of course, this is the natural result of the recent and reasonable revolt against putting together an elaborate trousseau. 

Smart girls in New York society, who are marrying this Spring, have provided themselves with suitable wardrobes for the season and nothing more, and this, with first getting of the wedding dress, has left them time and strength for all the passing gayeties of the moment. Another new and interesting point in the present busy hymeneal season is the early sending out of invitations. 

Cards are posted just a month before the day of the wedding, and a rule somehow has arisen ordaining that directly on receipt of the invitation the wedding present must be sent, or within four days after receiving the invitation. By this means the bride is not troubled with the straggling in of gifts up to the very day of the ceremony, and a heavy demand on her vocabulary of thanks all in the week preceding her marriage and maybe the week after. 

There is also another deep-laid design in sending out invitations so early. A bride who posts her cards four weeks before the great day fully expects her friends to call upon her promptly, and by skillful conversation acquire a pretty clear notion of what she really wants in the way of a gift. Relatives and intimate friends are expected to openly solicit her wishes on that point, or you can take aside her mother, who knows the young lady's wishes, and will considerately give helpful tips in silver, bric-a-brac, pictures, jewelry, etc…

To her really close friends a girl, of course, writes notes announcing her engagement, and expecting in return not only congratulations, but an engagement souvenir. By men the occasion can be marked with flowers, but by women the memento now takes the form of a pitcher. In glass, gold, silver, pewter and all the varieties of porcelain these pitchers are given, nearly all of them small and engraved or painted with some appropriate sentiment expressing good wishes. The little jug is always sent full of flowers or bonbons, and the giving of one of these, when the engagement is announced, by no means absolves the giver from the duty and expense of a wedding present. 

Only recently have we adopted the English custom of displaying the wedding gifts, and this is done just two days before the marriage, in the library, and a luncheon is given or refreshments served to those bidden to view the jewels and silver, etc… Everybody who has contributed a gift, of course, is asked, and the invitations consist only of the young lady's visiting card, on which is written below her name the words at home, then in the left-hand corner, to view the wedding gifts from 4 to 6. Every one is supposed to bring his or her card along and turn it into the servant at the door as a voucher of one’s identity. – Stockton Mail, 1899

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Girls Who Walk Badly

“…New York is filled with girls who walk badly.” – The $3.50 for 20 lessons in 1892 would be worth about $124.00 today. – The 1892 patent above is for a “dress shield or protector.”

Learning to Walk

According to an enthusiast on physical culture New York is filled with girls who walk badly. To get rid of the “plug, plug” of the heels the pupils are taken to the top of Murray Hill and made to toe down. They retrace in the stage and make the descent again and again. Price, $3.50 a term of twenty lessons. —New York World, 1892

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette and Dinners

Fake it ‘til you make it, or at least until your chef does! – If one did not have a pretend French chef, a gas oven was provided and left in the family kitchen. The meal went into the house in a caterer’s basket… – Image from HBO’s “The Gilded Age”

For those out West… Chicago, that is… 

The principal meal of all people of all ages has been undoubtedly dinner, and the lover of old time customs will find it both interesting and entertaining to notice the various changes which have taken place in the etiquette of the dinner table.-Chicago Herald

For those in NYC with no French chef, or even faux French chef …

There are perhaps thirty caterers within a mile of Union Square, New York city, who make a business of supplying private dining tables. For the regular customer, a gas oven is provided and left in the family kitchen. The meal goes to the house in a caterer’s basket, and is popped out of the basket into the oven. Therefore there is no danger of cold dinners. – From Women’s World, 1892

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Romance Advice

“A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox 
– Public domain image of Agony Aunt, Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

American Men Good Enough for Her

I have never seen a foreign man who, in my most romantic or susceptible days, could have done more than amuse me. I cannot imagine loving any man but an American. A foreigner does very well to pick up a lady’s fan or kill time for her, like a pet parrot, by repeating his little stereotyped compliments, but the thorough, true, sensible American girl gives her heart to an American lover. Those who give them to foreigners usually live to regret it. A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.—Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1892

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Dining Breaks for Shop Girls

The average time for meals are half an hour, and twenty minutes for dinner and tea respectively, except throughout the hottest weather, when the tea time is extended to thirty minutes, in consideration of the longer hours consequent on light evenings. –Public domain image of women depicted shopping at Harrods’ at the turn of the century in London.

Girls in London Shops

In some firms the girls, when not serving, are permitted to adjourn to a comfortable sitting and reading room, or are allowed to sit behind the counters, and, with respect to food, dainties are often provided in the form of fish, fowl or pastry, which the less favored “fellows” fail to obtain. The average time for meals are half an hour, and twenty minutes for dinner and tea respectively, except throughout the hottest weather, when the tea time is extended to thirty minutes, in consideration of the longer hours consequent on light evenings. 

Supper is usually provided immediately after closing time, and then a much coveted span of freedom is enjoyed till 11 o’clock sharp, or 12 o’clock one night a week, for the convenience of playgoers. As any “fellow” who contemplates starting a business for himself usually chooses a wife from among the “girls” of the house, it will be seen that a real “trade unionism” exists among the community, in a peculiar sense, and the so called “rag trade” is thus perpetuated by duly qualified assistants. — Pall Mall Gazette, 1892

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age British Etiquette – The Lady

There are nowadays plenty of spinsters—and young spinsters, too —who insist on being addressed as “Mrs.;” and at one or two places in Sussex, curiously enough, the married lady is “Miss” and the unmarried lady receives the title of “Mrs.” – An advertising page from an 1892 “The Lady”

Miss or Mrs.? 

All women out of their teens are entitled to be styled “Mistress.” “Miss” is merely a diminutive, and is properly confined to young girls, just as “Master” is commonly confined to school boys. In the days of Pope, “Mrs.” was the common appellation of unmarried ladies. Sir Walter Scott, too, speaks of Joanna (unmarried) as Mrs. Joanna Baillie. There are nowadays plenty of spinsters—and young spinsters, too —who insist on being addressed as “Mrs.;” and at one or two places in Sussex, curiously enough, the married lady is “Miss” and the unmarried lady receives the title of “Mrs.” 

The same custom is found in many parts of Ireland. The form “Mrs.” was at one time applied indifferently to persons at all ages. Among servants generally, the cook, whether married or single, expects to be called “Mrs.” So do housekeepers, though unmarried. In point of fact, Mrs. or Mistress is a title of respect that the plain “Miss” is devoid of. Why actresses who are married women should seek to disguise that fact by allowing the misleading prefix of “Miss” to be attached to their names is a mystery that admits of no intelligible explanation.—The Lady, 1892

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Gilded Age City Girls vs Country Girls

In very formal society, a lady does not ask to take a gentleman’s hat; but in the country, where it is less so, and servants are not always in the hall, or in attendance upon callers, there is no impropriety in a young lady asking a gentleman to allow her to take his hat and relieve him from the inconvenience of holding it.

City and County Etiquette

In a city, no young lady goes out in the evening with a young gentleman without a chaperon (some lady older than either, who accompanies them), be it to the theatre, ball or elsewhere; while in the country, it is not considered improper for a young gentleman to call for a young lady and take her to a party or any entertainment in a carriage or to walk with her to the place alone. 

Or, if a gentleman meets a young lady of his acquaintance, and finds she has no escort, to ask permission to attend her to her home; and it is proper, if the party be eligible, to accept his escort, and, on reaching home, to thank him for his kindness, bid him good night at the door, particularly if the hour is late. If it is not late, and the family of the young lady are still in the parlor, it is proper to invite the young gentleman in, that he may pay his respects to her family. 

In very formal society, a lady does not ask to take a gentleman’s hat; but in the country, where it is less so, and servants are not always in the hall, or in attendance upon callers, there is no impropriety in a young lady asking a gentleman to allow her to take his hat and relieve him from the inconvenience of holding it.—Home Magazine, 1892

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NY Wives Were Poor Bartenders

Out of the 500, she found only 12 who “never served cocktails,” which should warm the cockles of the distillers, if they wore not aware of it already. Of these, two declared their reasons were those of taste, and that they preferred Dubonnet or sherry to more potent before-dinner quaffs. On almost every call, Miss Howard was moved to say: “Fie, fie,” for the ladies of the house invariably excused their lack of cocktail knowledge with the information that they always left the mixing business to the men of the house.

A NEW YORKER AT LARGE

The “average New York hostess” knows much about cocktails as Eskimos know about the nocturnal habits of the hippopotamus. So, at least, concludes Cynthia Howard, writer and consultant on cocktail hour etiquette and recipes, after telephoning 500 New York hostesses for answers to a score of questions which she described as both pertinent and impertinent. 

Out of the 500, she found only 12 who “never served cocktails,” which should warm the cockles of the distillers, if they wore not aware of it already. Of these, two declared their reasons were those of taste, and that they preferred Dubonnet or sherry to more potent before-dinner quaffs. On almost every call, Miss Howard was moved to say: “Fie, fie,” for the ladies of the house invariably excused their lack of cocktail knowledge with the information that they always left the mixing business to the men of the house. 

“Housewives who pursue such a negligent path are likely to find themselves living alone, whether they like it or not,” warns the consultant hostess. Informed by the city's barkceps that the most popular mixed drinks are the Manhattan, Martini, Old Fashioned, Whiskey Sour and Bacardi cocktail. Miss Howard asked each hostess if she could mix any or all of them. 

The results, she says, “were appalling.” Only 3 per cent of the 488 who served cocktails were able to mix all five favorites; 7 per cent, four; 18 per cent, three; 20 per cent, two; 25 per cent, one; and 27 per cent none at all. Many of the ladies did not know.-By Jack Stinnett, New York, 1936

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Knave on 1930’s Visiting Etiquette

 In the book, Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens, the character Estella exclaims of Pip, "He calls the knaves, jacks, this boy!" That line highlighted a social class difference between the two. The "knave" was always the correct term for the face card in a card deck. The term, "jack" was considered a more “lower class” or even slightly disrespectful way to refer to the card. The “boy” was clearly using a lower-class manner of speech during the card game.– Public domain image of a 17th century Knave of Spades

An Opinionated Column by “The Knave” on American Etiquette, from 1938

Social Usage American etiquette is not what it used to be. At least I hope not, after reading the chapter titled “Paying and Receiving Visits” in the anonymous work on social usage of the sixties on which I have commented in this Column from time to time. The most proper time to pay a morning visit in “the fashionable world,” we are informed, “is between 1 and 4 o'clock.” All I can say to this is that if I have to pay my morning visits between 1 and 4, you can count me out. 

I have never lost any sleep yet over the question of making morning calls, and I don't intend to begin now. “If the person to whom the visit is intended is not at home,” our informant continues, “leave your card.” At this point I am assailed by a dark suspicion. The author is continually instructing people to leave cards here and there. Practically every occasion, it would seem, calls for card. I am forced to the conclusion that the man who wrote “American Etiquette” was in the calling card business himself or had a good friend who was.

If you want to know how to conduct yourself when you go calling at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, read on: “In paying visits of ceremony a gentleman should not leave his hat in the hall, but take it with him in the room; and, except under peculiar circumstances he should not remain more than a quarter of an hour or 20 minutes.” I should like to serve notice on any prospective 4 a.m. callers that all such visits are peculiar as far as I am concerned. 

As to the 20-minute time limit on 4 a.m. calls, there are in my opinion, circumstances under which the time limit should be extended. In the case of those early morning visitors who enter by way of a second story window the rules of etiquette should be amended to grant an additional 15 minutes or so, depending on how well the host’s valuables are concealed. 

In the populace, it is not considered absolutely necessary to leave a card. But if you are a stickler for formality in such matters it is permissible for you to mail a card from the next town. In such cases it is considered good form to inscribe “P.D.Q.” on the card. As to frequency of visits, the author says only two visits a year are due persons with whom you are not very well acquainted. To this I might add that I have found that when people get better acquainted with me, they are generally satisfied with one visit a year or less. – By The Knave, in the Oakland Tribune, 1938

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Hitchhiking

All too frequently escaping prisoners or police characters use the “thumb” method of getting quickly from place to place. Too many goodhearted motorists have been slugged and robbed of their money and automobiles left stranded on lonely roads.
–With gasoline more expensive during WWII and conservation measures a must, Emily Post advised female employees of the U.S. Defense Department to hitchhike to work in 1942, just 3 years after this article was published.

Hitch-Hiking Highway Peril 

BE CAREFUL in picking up hitch-hikers. This warning was issued by police and highway patrol authorities recently as the summer touring season opened with highways in every direction lined with professional and amateur “thumbers.” So common has become the practice of “hitching” rides that set rules of etiquette and procedure for those seeking lifts have been widely circulated by experts in the business of chiseling transportation. 

Among other things the rules say: “It is found expedient to maintain a well-groomed appearance and a cheerful countenance. Books carried under the arm indicate a student and therefore an ambitious person commendable character. Bags and luggage or traveling kits should be carefully placed endwise so that the legs conceal them from the eyes of approaching motorists, yet may be snatched up at the first squeal of rubber on the pavement.”

But highway patrolmen and police know these tricks of the "hitchers" and many, more that are much more annoying to the motorists who furnish the free rides. All too frequently escaping prisoners or police characters use the “thumb” method of getting quickly from place to place. Too many goodhearted motorists have been slugged and robbed of their money and automobiles left stranded on lonely roads. 

“There is danger every time a motorist picks up a stranger,” E. Raymond Curto, state chief of the highway patrol recently said. “Almost every day some motorist is beaten or robbed by a hitch-hiker to whom he had extended courtesy of a lift.” With hitch-hikers so well organized that they issue rules of instruction to their kind, law enforcement officers charged with protection of the traveling public themselves suggest a few rules for the motorist. 

Never pick up a strange hiker when driving alone, is one of the first suggestions. Do not pick up hikers at night is another. At no time pick up a hitch-hiker if you are carrying money, jewelry or other valuables, and under no circumstances allow the hiker to drive your car. These are all good rules, and should be carefully observed by every motorist traveling today. While there are many deserving hikers wagging their thumbs along every travel artery it's far better to be safe than sorry. – Press Democrat,1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Diplomatic Etiquette and Ambassadors

“M.Paul Claudel, the French ambassador, like all ambassadors, must never be kept waiting. That is an old White House rule. It was the duty of the White House force to speed him to the President, and also to avoid if possible, any hint to him, that he arrived when he shouldn't.” M. Paul Claudel was not only a diplomat, but a French playwright and a poet.– Public domain image of M. Paul Claudel

WASHINGTON, Nov. 22.—A neat little problem in official etiquette has been avoided at the White House because President - elect Roosevelt’s visit to Washington today is an informal one. If a White House reception or dinner party had been by any chance planned, social “precedence’’ experts say that the distinguished visitor’s status would be strictly that of governor of New York state and nothing more. In other words cabinet members would socially outrank him at such a function. However, senators would not. President-elect Roosevelt's overnight stay here will be the first in some time. He turned down a 10 room proferred suite at the Mayflower hotel for a “kitchenette suites,” one with a bedroom, small breakfast room and kitchenette. Last spring the President-elect and Mrs. Roosevelt were in Washington for a dinner given by President Hoover to governors who had attended the Richmond. Va., conference of state executives. They occupied a small suite at the Mayflower hotel, but did not stay overnight, leaving here at 1 a. m. for New York. 

The list of President Hoover’s appointments for the day came out as usual yesterday— 11:45 a.m., Representative French; 12 noon, Representative Britten; 12:15 p.m., the French ambassador. The latter however upset the routine by coming just one hour early, although he may not yet know it. M.Paul Claudel, the French ambassador, like all ambassadors, must never be kept waiting. That is an old White House rule. It was the duty of the White House force to speed him to the President, and also to avoid if possible, any hint to him, that he arrived when he shouldn't. Pat McKenna, the usher, whisked the ambassador to Theodore Joslin, presidential secretary. “Just a moment, Mr. Ambassador.” said Joslin, bowing himself into the Presidential office, where Mr. Hoover was busy with problems of government. A moment later he returned. “Just step inside,” he said. And M. Claudel, still blithely ignorant of his prematureness stepped inside and paid his respects to the President, as new temporary dean of the diplomatic corps. “Any war debts talk,” Mr. Ambassador," chorused reporters when he came out. “War debts? Non, non, non, ’ he said, shaking his head. “I am just paying my respects. I have a hollow hat. Empty inside —I’m just dean of the corps.” – United Press International, 1932

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Unsolicited Lectures on Manners and More

 

A bit presumptuous, no? When “the Hungarian general Klapka, had been invited… to serve in our army during the civil war, he wrote to Gen. McClellan, giving his terms. Those terms were that he should be paid $100,000. in cash; that his annual salary should be $23,000; that he should serve as Gen. McClellan’s chief of staff for a short time, until familiar with English, and should then take McClellan’s place at the head of the American army...” above, Hungarian General György Klapka, was not only one of the most important Hungarian generals during their War of Independence of 1848–1849, but a politician as well as the deputy War Minister and a member of the Hungarian Parliament.– Public domain image of the General Klapka

The Benevolent Foreigner

Mrs. Micawber, in “David Copperfield,” when about to sail with her alway impecunious husband for Australia, announces that she wishes that husband to take his stand upon the vessel’s prow and firmly say. “This country I have come to conquer! Have you honors? Have you riches? Have you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument? Let them be brought forward. They are mine.” Fiction is always behind reality, and no fancied Micawber ever carried his effrontery so far as many instances, well authenticated, in actual life. 

When, for instance, the Hungarian general Klapka, had been invited by some agent of Mr. Seward’s to serve in our army during the civil war, he wrote to Gen. McClellan, giving his terms. Those terms were that he should be paid $100,000. in cash; that his annual salary should be $23,000; that he should serve as Gen. McClellan’s chief of staff for a short time, until familiar with English, and should then take McClellan’s place at the head of the American army. There was nothing unexampled about this. 

We meek and patient Americans are constantly in the position of being lectured on manners by foreigners so ill bred that, were they Americans, they would never have a second invitation into well bred company; on pronunciation and language by persons unable to make themselves heard before an audience; on the graces of literature and art by orators who cannot even dispose of their own arms and legs without the greatest discomfort long suffering at we are by nature, Americans have had so much put upon them in these ways that the revenge taken in Europe by Barnum and Buffalo Bill seems hardly too severe an international retribution.— T. W. L. , 1889

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Japanese Picnic Etiquette and History

Here, the greatest number of picnics are held in the spring during the period of admiring the blooming sakura - hanami. The two main components of hanami: seasonal products with the addition of sakura or in the form of sakura flowers and picnics under the blooming sakura.

It's summer now, which means it's time to talk about picnics. Very often, a picnic is associated with the summer season. But in Japan, it is a little different. Here, the greatest number of picnics are held in the spring during the period of admiring the blooming sakura - hanami. The two main components of hanami: seasonal products with the addition of sakura or in the form of sakura flowers and picnics under the blooming sakura.

This custom first arose among the nobility during the Nara period (710-794). The first grand hanami festival was organized by Emperor Saga in 812. Japanese aristocrats spent many hours under flowering trees, enjoying exquisite drinks and reading Japanese poetry.

To hold a picnic, you need to prepare in advance. This is an important part of the hanami etiquette. First of all, the items that you need to bring to the park are determined. First of all, it is a vinyl mat, since it is customary to sit directly on the ground during a picnic.

When the capital was moved from Kyoto to Edo (modern Tokyo), cherry blossoms were brought from the city of Nara and planted in the capital's Ueno Park. Today, it is the most popular place in Tokyo to admire the cherry blossoms and have picnics under the blossoming trees, of which there are currently more than 2,000.

To hold a picnic, you need to prepare in advance. This is an important part of the hanami etiquette. First of all, the items that you need to bring to the park are determined. First of all, it is a vinyl mat, since it is customary to sit directly on the ground during a picnic.

Secondly, a folding table on which you can put drinks and food. It is also recommended to take a small blanket, because the weather is quite cool in the spring. And from the point of view of etiquette, ladies can cover their knees with it, it looks more aesthetically pleasing. People come to hanami with relatives, friends, and colleagues. So there is an opportunity to visit spring picnics several times.

What is usually eaten during a picnic: food and drinks. Food is usually o-bento, and drinks can be both non-alcoholic and alcoholic. O-bento are portioned boxes with food, which I will talk about later.

During picnics it is very pleasant to open bento and see that everything was prepared with creativity and imagination. Thus, beautiful and aesthetic compositions are obtained. Of course, this is always a complimentary topic for small talk.

As for alcoholic drinks, you should always remember that the purpose of the holiday is to admire the blossoming sakura, feel harmony with nature, communicate with loved ones, and not to taste a large number of alcoholic drinks. Of course, anything can happen. You should also definitely bring garbage bags. At the end of the picnic, everything should remain as clean as it was before the picnic.

Let’s talk about o-bento. Bento it is the joy of a traditional Japanese lunch and picnic. O-bento is an important part of the daily diet of the Japanese. Of course, it is also customary to prepare such boxes with food for picnics.

Traditionally, bento is meant to be a meal for one person. When picnics are organized, it is agreed who will cook what, and accordingly, bento is for several people. What unites bento? That it is always a surprise. ⠀ According to the rules of table etiquette, the ingredients are prepared with great attention to detail. It is important to consider the color, the placement of products in the box, the balance of nutrients, etc… — everything should be harmonious. To add variety, a number of simple and at the same time unusual kitchen utensils are also used.

Depending on the season, it is customary to make figurines from food, for example, cherry blossoms if it is spring. In summer - sunflowers and roses. In autumn in the form of bright maple leaves. In winter with a Christmas theme. Yes, in Japan there are picnics in winter, this is usually on the island of Okinawa, where the air temperature does not fall below 15 degrees Celsius.

Bento is usually wrapped in traditional furoshiki shawls (square pieces of fabric), the pattern of which is recommended to match the season.

The obligatory components of bento are rice, meat or fish, pickled, boiled or fresh vegetables. Also, for picnics, fruits and beans are often put in bento. Lovers of bread, cheese and sausages also put these ingredients in their boxes, because it is important that it is tasty, beautiful, and that the food is liked.
Bento is usually wrapped in traditional furoshiki shawls (square pieces of fabric), the pattern of which is recommended to match the season. In Japan, bento is not just food, it is a part of the culture, expressing care, attention and a creative approach to organizing food.

During picnics it is very pleasant to open bento and see that everything was prepared with creativity and imagination. Thus, beautiful and aesthetic compositions are obtained. Of course, this is always a complimentary topic for small talk.

Meet Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama, our newest contributor to Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association Specialist of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Politically Correct vs Polite Etiquette

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

Miss Manners: What's the difference between politically incorrect and rude?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the light of rude comments made by political candidates under the guise of not being politically correct, could you please explain how to be polite without being politically correct?

GENTLE READER: Good question. As modern usage of the term "politically correct" has meant refraining from delivering wholesale insults to groups of people, that would be difficult.

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

When much of the public stopped tolerating hate talk, Miss Manners was thrilled. It became her favorite counterexample to those who believe that etiquette has steadily deteriorated since the days of King Arthur or at least their own vaguely remembered childhoods.

But now this tremendous advance is being threatened by both detractors and supporters of political correctness.

Those who scorn the term declare that political correctness is a danger to our constitutional right to free speech, which Miss Manners, like all Americans, holds sacred. No, it is not. Surely you have noticed that lots of people are exercising their legal right to spew obnoxious thoughts, and there are no legal reprisals. Etiquette relies on voluntary compliance.

True, there are social reprisals. Those who seize their right to be offensive should not be shocked that others take offense.

But name-calling is not conducive to debate. All serious arenas of conflict — legislatures, courtrooms, athletic contests — have rules against this. That is necessary because holding opposing goals and debating actual issues require treating opponents with respect.

Yet even that has been perverted by some of the proponents of political correctness. An aggressive form of what calls itself sensitivity — and yet attacks people for perceived slights when clearly none were intended — is, itself, insensitive to the point of rudeness.

Miss Manners is particularly discouraged when such people try to extend the ban on bigotry to cover topics they might find upsetting, even for reasons of private experience. This would reduce meaningful discourse to universally approved issues, presuming that such things existed.

What these critics and proponents of political correctness have in common, besides an ugly presumption of ill-will in others, is an inability to imagine, much less strive for, a civilized society in which sincerely held differences can be safely aired.

The resulting confusion is that many people deplore political correctness when they only mean to declare that they support the principle of free speech and dislike arrogance disguised as sensitivity.

That blanket condemnation puts them in the position of defending cruelty, vulgarity and bigotry. So she suggests that everyone take a look at the content of what is said in the name of eschewing political correctness — is it expressing something nasty? — and judge political candidates accordingly. – By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, United Feature Syndicate, February, 2016

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia