“Attending to One’s Business” in Attire

In Mr. J. W. Forney’s “Anecdotes of Public Men” there is given a story as it was told by James Buchanan at his own table. Although it contained a reproof from the President to one who was to succeed him, it is said to have been a favorite story at that board. –Public domain image of John W. Forney , Congressional Clerk and Journalist, B.1817- D.1881

Blunt Andrew Jackson 

“Old Hickory’s” Caustic Advice to James Buchanan

Stories of Andrew Jackson are likely to be pointed and to have a practical application, as do the stories told of Franklin. In Mr. J. W. Forney’s “Anecdotes of Public Men” there is given a story as it was told by James Buchanan at his own table. Although it contained a reproof from the President to one who was to succeed him, it is said to have been a favorite story at that board.

Shortly after Mr. Buchanan's return from Russia in 1834, to the court of which country he had been sent by Jackson in 1832, and immediately following his election to the senate he called upon “Old Hickory” with a fair English lady whom he desired to present to the head of the American nation. Leaving her in the reception room downstairs, he ascended to the President's private quarters, where he found General Jackson unshaved, unkempt, in his dressing gown, with his slippered feet on the fender, before a blazing wood fire, smoking a corncob pipe of the old southern pattern.

He stated his object, and General Jackson said that he would be very glad to meet the lady whom Mr. Buchanan desired to present. Mr. Buchanan was always careful of his personal appearance and in some respects was a sort of masculine Miss Fribbe, addicted to spotless cravats and huge collars, rather proud of a foot small for a man of his large stature and to the last of his life what the ladies would call “a very good figure.” 

Having just returned from a visit to the fashionable circles of the continent after years of thorough intercourse with the etiquette of one of the stateliest courts in Europe, he was somewhat shocked at the idea of the President meeting the eminent English lady in such a guise and ventured to ask if General Jackson did not intend to change his attire. Thereupon the old warrior rose, with his long pipe in his hand, and, deliberately knocking the ashes out of the bowl, said to his friend: “Buchanan. I want to give you a little piece of advice, which I hope you will remember. I knew a man once who made a fortune by attending to his own business. Tell the lady I will see her presently.”

The man who became President in 1857 was fond of saying that this remark of Andrew Jackson humiliated him more than any other rebuke he had ever received. He walked downstairs to meet the lady in his charge, and in a very short time President Jackson entered the room, dressed in a full suit of black, cleanly shaved, with his stubborn white hair forced back from his fore- head, and, advancing to the beautiful visitor, he greeted her with almost kingly grace. As she left the White House she said to her escort, “Your republican President is the royal model of a gentleman.”  – Trinity Journal, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Presidents’ Day Parties

Patriotism in the United States was celebrated proudly and openly throughout the country at the turn of the 20th century. February is still a particularly patriotic month, celebrating Presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.– Above – Patriotic themed table-scape for a 5 course formal dinner, from a Wallace Silver hostess book of 1900. 

IN SOCIETY'S REALM

This is the season when the “Colonial Party” opens and is ready for picking. There is no record to show who invented this species of social functions whether he was first in a little Iberian village, or second in Rome, but whoever he was there is little doubt that he is dead, so that the honor of the invention would be of no import to him. Some attribute its origin to George Washington, and others to Thomas Jefferson. As the former is admitedly the father of this country and the latter of the Democratic party, it seems an injustice to lay a second offense at the door of either.

A Colonial Party is one of the few occasions on which etiquette allows us to libel our sensible old ancestors. A favorite character which misrepresented at these gatherings is that of the Father of his Country, and if the ghost of the esteemed patriot could be presented and see some of the caricatures of its earthly habitations there would probably be an upheaval at Mt. Vernon. 

The callow youth, with a touch of velvet just below his nose, and with as much nobleness of face or figure as a Christmas turkey on the day after Christmas, dons a wig and a suit of clothes which were evidently made for a man, has powder rubbed on his face, and then proceeds to perspire, and try to look benignant, and imagines he is creating a sensation. There are usually from four to six George Washingtons at every Colonial Party: never less and often more. No two were ever known to resemble each other even to the extent that they would be mistaken for fourth cousins. The specimens are all original, painfully so.

Martha has never been neglected by the social colonist of today and the Puritans, too, are compelled to work over time. The cavaliers of the Old Dominion are annually blackguarded to the amusement of those concerned in the transaction. But after all, when the unsophisticated gaze back in retrospective, they must admit that our ancestors did not live in vain. – The San Jose Herald, February 1900

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Tenthold Tips” of Safari Etiquette

Tips for when on African safari, from 2 experts on the subject. Above, Jock & Betty Leslie-Melville, authors of the book.

6. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT SNAKES - We’ll be willing to bet quite heavily you won't even see one, let alone a scorpion. Indeed, there are very few insects and nasty reptiles about.

7. DO NOT WEAR A PITH HELMET - This is about as chic as spats and high-buttoned shoes.

8. DO NOT SHAVE IN THE TEA - A dreadful custom in East Africa is early morning tea. It is automatically brought to you at 6:30 a.m. every morning in the lodges. When one of our safariers asked on the first day of his trip about shaving facilities in tents, we told him hot water would be brought to him in the morning, but we forgot to mention that morning tea comes first. When he got his tea he shaved in it. It never occurred to him to drink it, but this is really what you are supposed to do.

9. DO NOT REFER TO AFRICANS AS “NATIVES” - Though we may refer to ourselves as natives of America or Sweden or whatever, the word in Africa has somehow fallen into disrepute and has insulting connotations. Other words to avoid are “boy,” “coloured people,” “blacks,” “negroes,” etc… (especially the etc...). The word to use, and the only word when referring to the indigenous people is “African.” This is extremely important. When hailing a servant say, “Waiter” or “Steward” or “Porter.”

10. DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH AFRICANS WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT - Some primitive Africans still believe that their soul goes into the “little black box” (camera), and the fact that you are trying to capture their image to them means you are trying  to capture their soul. Therefore, it is important our repeated warnings, one of our safariers photographed a Masai morani (warrior) who had already refused to have his picture taken, so the Masai threw his spear at the camera. Fortunately the car was in motion and nobody was injured, but our sympathies were certainly with the Masai knowing how strongly he felt. However, the sight of money can often have an extraordinary effect in dissolving the concern they feel about the capture of their souls. It is perfectly in order to bargain with them about money, and if you pay more than two shillings (twenty-eight cents) you are being taken. 

Others, and this includes Asians, have no superstitions about their soul, but just don't like being photographed for the same reason we would not like an unknown African visitor in the United States to photograph us doing our weekly shopping in the Food Fair - even for twenty-eight cents. However, many Africans love pictures of themselves and a Polaroid – From “Tenthold Tips: An amusing and informative introduction to Africa,” by Jock & Betty Leslie-Melville, 1971

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Elizabeth Soos

Meet Etiquette Coach and Etiquipedia Contributor, Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette & Protocol

When Elizabeth Soós, founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette and Protocol in Australia, was growing up, “etiquette was King” in her household. Her parents taught her European etiquette standards throughout her childhood. Later, together with self-directed studies, she completed the Train-the-Trainer course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London. To further her education, Elizabeth became certified in Chinese Etiquette with Ms. Joy Koh at Image Avenue and she studied with Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac, based in Paris and Shanghai, for excellence in customer service.

Elizabeth’s enjoys working with clients of all ages and backgrounds, at home and abroad. Over the past 10 years, Elizabeth has positioned herself as a voice of authority in etiquette as a contributing writer to the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia, co-sponsoring global etiquette competitions, and has been featured in The West Australian and The Sunday Times, among other media outlets. Ms. Soos firmly believes that etiquette is a life-changing skill, an attainable precious possession that lasts a lifetime. Her travel and cultural articles have become some of the most popular on the Etiquipedia site, especially those on Pakistani, Ethiopia and India. 

Below are links to just a few of Elizabeth Soos’ numerous articles on global etiquette you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Pakistani Culture and Etiquette

• Etiquette of Mauritius or “Mini India”
• Etiquette and Culture in Oman 
• The Royal Favourite Tokay Wine
• Etiquette and the Melbourne Cup
• Aboriginal Dining Etiquette in Australia

The following is a Q. & A. with Elizabeth:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?
From a young age, etiquette was like a second language in my household. I'd constantly observe and participate, always curious about the "whys" behind everything, from proper hosting to phone manners. My mother’s love for learning fuelled my own fascination with social interactions and cultural nuances.

After owning and running a business in a completely different field, I craved a new challenge. While diving deep into the world of etiquette, I researched and found there were many differing etiquette perspectives around the world, but all with the same core basis: Respect. After receiving differing certifications in many types of etiquette, I returned to Australia with a burning desire to share my knowledge. Building Auersmont School of Etiquette and Protocol was only the beginning.

Crafting the curriculum ignited a deeper thirst to understand the very history and evolution of etiquette, and to learn why others felt compelled to teach it. The pandemic pause presented a fortuitous opportunity to connect with Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, a fellow etiquette expert, who further enriched my journey as a coach. It's safe to say, my lifelong fascination with etiquette blossomed into a full-fledged passion project!

Elizabeth at work, addressing a room full of young business women.

What do you enjoy teaching the most?
There are two parts to a great lesson, and I truly enjoy both. Firstly, I relish delving into the fascinating history and scientific underpinnings of etiquette with my clients. It's incredibly rewarding to share the "why" behind the rules, not just the "how." This deeper understanding creates a foundation for using etiquette authentically and confidently.

However, the true magic happens when we get hands-on. Dining etiquette becomes an interactive adventure as we explore proper utensil use and tackle tricky foods with finesse. Whether it's mastering a multi-course meal or navigating a formal event, these practical exercises equip my clients to navigate any social or business situation with grace and poise. It's incredibly satisfying to see them transform from apprehension to amusement as they embrace these new skills.

What do you find rewarding about teaching Etiquette?
The true reward of teaching etiquette lies in those "a-ha!" moments. When a client, regardless of age, suddenly grasps the "why" behind a particular rule – understanding the history or cultural significance – it's like a lightbulb clicks on. The same goes for mastering a formal table setting; the look of accomplishment on one’s face is truly heartwarming. But the ultimate satisfaction comes months later.

Hearing from a client who successfully used an etiquette or protocol point I taught them, whether in everyday life or a work setting, is the ultimate validation. It lets me know my lessons have a real impact, empowering them to navigate the social world with confidence and grace. That's what truly makes my work rewarding.

What types of classes do you offer?
My passion truly lies in crafting programs that cater to real-world situations. That's why I've developed three core etiquette offerings: 1. Social Etiquette, 2. Business Etiquette & 3. Dining Etiquette. These areas touch every aspect of our lives, and I find immense satisfaction in equipping my clients with the skills they need to navigate these areas with confidence. The beauty of my approach is that clients can choose to focus on one area or combine all three to create a well-rounded skillset.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why?
There's a special joy I find in working with two distinct age groups: children and school or university graduates. Firstly, children possess an incredible openness to learning. They're like sponges, eagerly soaking up the rules and customs of etiquette. Witnessing their learning journey in classes like mastering skills like table manners or polite conversation, is incredibly rewarding. In a way, it's like giving them a secret code that unlocks a world of social confidence.

On the other hand, when working with school and university grads, it feels like I’m empowering them for the exciting but sometimes daunting transition into adulthood. Having missed out on etiquette education myself during those years, I understand the challenges they might face. Equipping them with social graces and professional know-how – from introductions to business dinners – gives them a head start in navigating the professional and social landscapes with confidence. It's a privilege to be a part of their journey.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy most?
When it comes to navigating the intricacies of etiquette and protocol, I rely on a few trusted authors whose works have profoundly shaped my understanding of social norms and behaviours. Maura J. Graber stands out with her insightful analysis and extensive research on historical etiquette, offering invaluable insights into how etiquette has evolved over the centuries. Additionally, Amy Vanderbilt's timeless classic, "New Complete Book of Etiquette," has been a personal favourite, providing not only clear guidance but also a warm and personable approach to the subject matter. "Australian Protocol and Procedures" by Asher Joel and Helen Pringle has become my go-to resource for everything related to governmental, royal, business, and dining etiquette, offering comprehensive guidance tailored to various contexts. These authors and their works have been instrumental in shaping my understanding of etiquette and protocol, offering guidance that is both informative and enriching.

If you’d like to reach Elizabeth, she can be contacted via her website, email, etc… listed below:

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

George V Bucked Victoria’s Etiquette

King George V and Queen Mary of the British Empire were crowned Emperor and Empress of India at the Delhi Durbar in December 1911, with celebrations continuing into January 1912. This historic Delhi Durbar was the only ever attended by a reigning Monarch. The Durbar marked the official proclamation of the King and Queen’s Imperial titles in India. 

 

King George MAy Be Crowned in India 

LONDON. Dec. 2.—The King and Queen hope to be crowned at Delhi as Emperor and Empress of India on Jan. 1. 1912. The announcement of this epoch making event has come as a great surprise, as there is no precedent for such a function. 

Queen Victoria, who was proclaimed Empress of India in 1877, never at any time contemplated holding a Coronation Durbar. King Edward visited India when he was Prince of Wales, but adhered strictly to the rules of royal etiquette laid down.by his mother, and never saw any of his colonial dominions after he came to the throne. – The Humboldt Times, 1910

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Credit Only When Due

Receiving Undeserved Credit 
for a Job Well Done

Doing good work can and should bring accolades.  But what if you receive undeserved credit for an accomplishment?  

You can’t in good conscience accept credit for a job well done when you didn’t actually do all of the work or when other people deserve recognition as well.  And yet, correcting the person offering you congratulations would make them uncomfortable or cause embarrassment.

Deflection Is a Great Tool

Being acknowledged and complimented meaningfully is something we all enjoy.  And it’s just as enjoyable to give a compliment unless you give it incorrectly.

When someone has given you undeserved credit or congratulated you for something you had little or nothing to do with, deflecting rather than outright correcting can help them save face.

• “John, thanks for giving me credit, but Bill Shrewsbury and Sally Henley deserve the bulk of the credit, as they did all the groundbreaking background work.  I’m honored that you consider me a worthy part of this team.”
  
  
• “You are so kind to give me credit for the accomplishment, Todd.  However, my only mark on the success of this program is to claim a small role in the early stages of the project.”
  
  
• “Gillian, thanks for thinking of me, and though there are many things I can take credit for, I confess, this accomplishment actually belongs to Vincent.”

Honesty Prevails

Getting credit for your work and accomplishments happens as you aim for effectiveness and do your work well.  Letting others know what you did, including meeting a deadline, what you contributed to a project, and the beneficial ideas you came up with are not conceited ideas. Rather, they are a way of keeping track of yourself and your work.

Being etiquette-ful requires that we be truthful.  In our weaker moments, it might feel easier to let a compliment slide and we know that another person may be struggling to find the right words in a conversation.  Our kindness will go a long way as we accept their willingness to be generous in bestowing praise.  However, any situation benefits from honesty.

• “Millie, I think we should turn this around.  Here you are giving me credit, but I assure you, it’s you and your associates who deserve a round of applause!  Look at all you have done to bring this event to fruition!”
  
  
• “Well, thanks for saying this, John.  But though I contributed with the original idea, it’s others who carried the ball and made something of it.”
  
  
• “I’d be remiss if I didn’t seize this opportunity of congratulations to bear witness to the real person behind the scenes, none other than you, Tylor MacIntosh.  Our entire company should know who the real hero is.”

Seeking opportunities to congratulate others instead of accepting undeserved credit will make you feel great and will only enhance your reputation as a team player on the small and large stages of life.  Anytime you seek to prevent misunderstanding, you’ve gone a long way in making it a better world.   

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thanksgiving Manners: Different Views

                    

“… whoever got his dessert first started right in without waiting for the others to be served. We cleared the table by stacking the dishes. Once we were invited to our fancy relatives for supper. When we sat down at the table, my sister - who was about 11 – announced gleefully, as children do when they figure they have caught a grown-up in a mistake, ‘Somebody gave me two forks!’ We had never heard of a salad fork.”

Saints and Sinners – Etiquette at the Table

No matter how memorable your Thanksgiving was, the chances are it didn't hold a drumstick to the riotous holiday festivities of Robert Allen and his young friends on one Thanksgiving Day past. Robert was 12 at the time. The parents of one of the two boys he hung out with were suddenly called away for the day.

The food for Thanksgiving dinner had already been bought, so it was arranged that the three boys would try their hand at cooking the small turkey and making their own meal. “We were given full instructions, which we followed with much horseplay,” Allen wrote in a magazine article years later. “As the smells began to emanate from the big wood range, we went around clumping one another on the back and chortling with satisfaction.

“What made the meal memorable,” he recalled, “was that we were on our own, free of sisters and mothers and able to dispense with such things as napkins, bread-and-butter plates, manners and all civilized restraint. We heaped mounds of mashed potatoes on our plates, took all the gravy the plates would hold, eliminated sissified thin slices and just cut the turkey in chunks - to match our appetites. If someone reached across the table and clawed off a choice piece, nobody sent him from the table. We just laughed and yelled and kept on eating.

“About halfway through the meal, we all got quiet. Nobody finished his mountainous serving. We cleaned up the dishes Without any enthusiasm and wandered off in different directions, not talking. I wasn't able to think of turkey with any sense of pleasure for quite a while. Whenever the meal was mentioned afterward, we had to pretend we had a wonderful time.

“Actually, we had all had an early lesson - that joy and lack of restraint are not synonymous. That there is something to be said for women’s ways. That there is real value in etiquette, formality and civilization. Robert Allen’s story brought back memories of what mealtime was like at our house when I was growing up. You could usually find the milk bottle on the kitchen table when we were eating.

“And whoever got his dessert first started right in without waiting for the others to be served. We cleared the table by stacking the dishes. Once we were invited to our fancy relatives for supper. When we sat down at the table, my sister - who was about 11 – announced gleefully, as children do when they figure they have caught a grown-up in a mistake, ‘Somebody gave me two forks!’ We had never heard of a salad fork.

“So I suppose you could say we grew up without any table manners. You could if you were talking about the kind of manners you read about in etiquette books. But after I grew up, I realized that we had been learning the kind of table manners that count. We were not allowed to stuff our mouths or talk with food in our mouths.

“We never criticized anything our mother put on our plates. We had to say ‘Please’ and ‘May I?’ and my father insisted on no nonsense at the table. Each of us said a table grace before we started eating, and another prayer before we left the table. I remember how shocked I was when I saw my first food fight at the fraternity house when I went to college. My father would have taken me out of college if he had seen the rolls and other food flying around the dining hall.

“As for Robert Allen, looking back with chagrin at the disastrous Thanksgiving dinner of his boyhood, he confessed. “In the future, whenever I let my appetite get away with me. I practically glowed with pleasure as my mother would lean across the corner of the table, rap me a good one behind the ear with her knuckle, and say sternly. ‘Robert, you're at the table!’” – George Plagenz, ©1999 Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Proclaiming Thanks

Sending gratitude and Thanksgiving greetings to all of our Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia readers.

THANKSGIVING PROCLAMATION

Strict Code of Etiquette in Handling the Sacred Document

It has been customary in recent years for the Department of State to draft each Thanksgiving proclamation. After the draft has been O. K.'d by the president, it is handed to the State Department's expert penman, who in his copper plate chirography writes it upon a large sheet of excellent parchment, which is sent to the president for his signature, and then. returned to the State Department to be signed by the Secretary of State.

Next it must be impressed with the great seal of the United States, whose custodian will refuse to place it even upon so important a document unless authorized to do so by a formal warrant signed by the President, for the use of the great seal or the possession of an impression without the chief executive's written authority is a grave offense, punishable by law. Indeed, the great seal -which was made by a jeweler at a cost of $10,000 and which is kept locked in a great rosewood case - is the most sacred instrument used by the government.

Having had this hallowed cipher of the republic pressed into it, the new Thanksgiving proclamation is filed away in the State Department archives, later to be found in its chronological order, with other accumulated proclamations.

Uncle Sam takes all of these technical pains merely to retain the handsomely written proclamation as his own souvenir. But before the instrument has been filed away a typewritten copy is sent to the state Department’s official printer, who has a shop of his own in the basement of our foreign office. His printed copies are given to the newspapers or to anyone who wishes.

Each of the state governors must also be sent an exact copy, but the department’s strict code of etiquette demands that these copies must not be printed. They are typewritten, and signed by the President’s and Secretary of State’s own hands. Each governor then seconds this move of the President in appointing the annual feast day of thanks and prayer and, in their turn, the mayors of cities now generally second the move of their governors. 

By such indirect means does the prompting of the nation’s thanks theoretically reach the people, who actually receive it directly from the President himself through that eliminator of red tape – delays in the daily newspaper. In some localities, the bishops receive the proclamation from the governors and hand it down in circular form to the lesser clergy, who read it from their pulpits upon the Sabbath following its issuance. 

In parts of New England it is still the custom to read the proclamation from the pulpit on two successive Sundays. These infinite pains are taken, despite the fact that there is nothing in the federal statute authorizing a President to set apart such a holy day. But the proclamations make the holiday legal.  –The Stockton Independent, November 1920

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia