Gilded Age Etiquette in Public

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid.

“In the Street”

A gentle-woman is known by her quiet self-possession. Self-effacement in the street is the rule of good manners as imperative in the street as it is in as in Society. One can almost invariably distinguish the well-bred girl at the first glance, whether she is walking, shopping, in an omnibus, descending from a carriage or a cab, or sauntering up or down in the Park. 

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid. This is perhaps the best word to describe the lively gestures, the notice-attracting glance and the self-conscious air of the underbred, who continually appear to wish to impress their personality upon all they meet. 

The well-bred woman goes quietly along, intent on her own business and regardless of the rest of the world, except in so far as to keep from intruding upon their personal rights. This is another test of the well-bred woman. A delicate sense of self-respect keeps her from contact with her neighbour in train or tramcar or omnibus, so for as such contact may be avoidable. The woman of the lower classes may spread her arms, lean up against her neighbour, or in other ways behave with a disagreeable familiarity; the gentlewoman never.

There was a good old rule of manners that forbade a lady to look back after any one in the street, or to turn and stare at any one in church, opera, theatre, or concert room. These good old rules seem fast to be becoming obsolete; or so one might suppose from the frequency with which they are disregarded. — Manners for Women, by Mrs. Humphry, “Madge of Truth”, 1897

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Gilded Age Handshake Etiquette

Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in hand-shaking. Etiquette allows considerable latitude. It is proper and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when introduced. A lady does not usually shake hands with a new acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her responsible for showing special cordiality, as when a person is introduced to her in her own house

The offer of the social right hand of fellowship is a tacit recognition of equality. Hand-shaking is said to be an American habit. Certainly the social conditions in a republic are favorable to such a custom. It is a pity that a mode so adapted to express the warmth and loyalty of friendship should be indiscriminately employed in casual greetings. The pressure of the hand should mean more than it can mean, when, as now, it is bestowed with equal alacrity on life-long friend and recent acquaintance.

Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in hand-shaking. Etiquette allows considerable latitude. It is proper and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when introduced. A lady does not usually shake hands with a new acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her responsible for showing special cordiality, as when a person is introduced to her in her own house. A host and hostess shake hands with a guest; they may omit to shake hands with the same person when they meet him elsewhere.

Whatever one’s personal impulse, it is polite to defer to the evident preference of another; and to shake hands heartily if a hand is cordially extended, or to refrain from proffering the hand when reserve is evident in the manner of the other person.— By Agnes Morton, 1899

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Concert Etiquette

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions…

Of Concerts

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side of them. 

One should observe the most profound silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton for a gentleman to stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves attentively, if he knows how to read music.

We ought also, after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of thanks. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Fan Language

                Alas, this is all ‘Fan Fiction’ — “Unfortunately, the fan language — and other, similar codes like the language of the handkerchief and the language of the parasol— were largely the result of advertising campaigns meant to popularize and sell accessories. There is little evidence that the fan language was ever in widespread use, though the concept was satirized by several writers in the 18th and 19th centuries. Besides being rather impractical, fan codes were a bit dangerous; an unconscious fidget or desire to actually fan herself could embroil a lady in a totally unintentional feud— or marriage. Not to mention the consequences if the matron acting as chaperone to a courting couple had, a few years earlier, employed the fan language to win her own husband!” -Esti Brennan, Clements Library Chronicles

An Early ‘Advertorial,’ Disguised as Fashionable Etiquette

An amusing little book has been published in Berlin, entitled “The Fan Language of Queen Isabella.” In its introduction, which copies the Spanish work of Fenella, it is as easy to make oneself understood in the language of the fan as in that of flowers, and since the sentences are of necessity short, it is easy to learn them by heart.” It gives a manual for this voiceless speech, consisting of the usual sentences in love and friendship, with appropriate directions as to their expression by means of the fan, in part as follows:

• You have won my love—the right hand points with the closed fan toward the heart. 
• When may I see you?—touch the right eye with the closed fan. 
• I would like to be ever near you —fan the person in question with the open fan. 
• Be quiet; we are watched—hold the closed fan over the mouth. Dare I hope to win your love? —unfold the fan with a quick movement. 
• Do not be so cold —move the fan backward and forward with the right hand. 
• Do not be so jealous— rest the closed fan against the eyebrow of the right eye. 
• You may kiss me— press the half-open fan on the mouth. 
• Yes —rest the open fan upon the right cheek. 
• No —rest the open fan against the left cheek. 
• You are the darling of my heart—press the open fan against the heart and mouth. 
• Explain yourself clearly — look earnestly at the closed fan. 
• I give my consent—slowly close the fan. 
• Why do you wish to leave me?—fan violently with the half-open fan.

                        — The Los Angeles Herald, 1874

Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for over 30 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Her popular etiquette books are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Mistaken Notions

“The Englishman traveled to the town where his victim’s widowed mother lived, and at the end of a two hours’ conversation, he convinced her of his sincere regret and his wish to serve her. She admitted that her son had not died through his fault, but through the mistaken notions of honor current among the youth of Germany.”  What a shame that the Englishman could not exhibit self-discipline and keep his criticism and thoughts to himself. A young fool’s life could have been saved until he could at least grown up a bit and learned from his mistakes.    
“The Code Of Honor—A Duel In The Bois De Boulogne, Near Paris,” wood engraving after Godefroy Durand, Harper's Weekly, 1875, Public Domain... For more on the etiquette of duels, click here

A Young Fool’s Duel 

and an Etiquette Critic’s Remorse

At Heidelberg an English friend once dined at the table d’hôte, and being seated right opposite a young man who wore the badge of a “corps” across his breast, he could not help noticing the extraordinary manner in which the young man took his meal. At first he admired him for the skillful manner in which he managed his knife, which incessantly passed from his plate to his mouth, heavily laden as it was with green peas. But when the student, having finished his meat, took up his gravy with the knife, the Englishman began to feel his blood boil within him. 

Pudding with apple-sauce followed, and the student operated with his dessert knife just as he had done with the larger knife. But the Englishman could control himself no longer. In a hoarse whisper, he addressed his vis-a-vis, saying: “You will cut your mouth open if you don’t leave off eating gravy with your knife.” The student looked up and answered: “What is that to you? I can cut my mouth open to my ears, for all you have a right to interfere.” “Oh nonsense,” said the Englishman, coolly; “you can’t expect a decent person to let you butcher yourself at dinner!” “Oh, but I can, though, and you shall see! Dummer Junge!” With that the student rose and left the room. 

‘Dummer Junge!’ (meaning ‘stupid fellow’) signifies as much as a challenge. When the student’s seconds came to arrange details with the Englishman he was terribly surprised at the serious consequences of what he had deemed a most natural remark. He offered to apologize, and begged them to remember that he knew nothing of German customs and had believed himself in the right But the seconds declared their friend would accept no apology, and they even hinted that the Englishman had probably been told that his opponent was a first-rate fencer, the pride of Heidelberg. 

Of course when matters took this turn, the Englishman spoke in a very different tone, and everything was arranged for a duel with pistols, he being no fencer. He spent a dreadful night, because he was told that the young student was in such a foaming rage that his only desire was to see his opponent lie dead on the ground. The Englishman did all in his power to have the matter arranged, but be did not succeed, and on his way to the trysting-place he said to his seconds: “It is a dreadful shame that I should have to kill this young man because he does not know the proper use of his knife and fork. Still it would be just as unfair to let him kill me.” 

The Englishman intended firing in the air if he had the second shot, but chance was averse to him. He had the right to shoot first —the aim was deadly; the young Teuton fell without a groan. Next day the Englishman traveled to the town where his victim’s widowed mother lived, and at the end of a two hours’ conversation, he convinced her of his sincere regret and his wish to serve her. She admitted that her son had not died through his fault, but through the mistaken notions of honor current among the youth of Germany.— Vienna Correspondent, London Times, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Behavioral Trends

“A man should remove his hat in a parlor car but not in a day coach,” says an etiquette book of the early Pullman era.” — From this current era, we say a woman should remove her elbow from the dining car table!

“A man should remove his hat in a parlor car but not in a day coach,” says an etiquette book of the early Pullman era. A ridiculous distinction, which Americans have had the good sense to overcome, for nowadays we keep our hats on in the parlor cars, too. Indeed, examination of the etiquette books of the past suggests that there must always have been a certain lunatic trend in human behavior. We don't want to go quaint on you, but bear with us a moment while we quote from "Etiquette for Ladies," published in 1838: “When alone with him, a lady may address her husband by his Christian name.”

We don't for a moment suppose that the lady of 1838 was always able to stick to this rule. But if she did slip: if she did thoughtlessly, in public, address her husband as “Joe” assuming that that was his name, she knew that she had been inexcusably vulgar. Of course, if his name wasn't Joe, it was probably even worse. It is hard to exaggerate the supreme niceness of the ladies of that day. We knew an old lady who, when her husband sprained his ankle, refused to remove his sock in order to bind it up. “I have never seen your grandfather's bare feet,” she told her grandchildren. And shuddered as she said it. —Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Etiquette for Bachelors

“Horse Show At Madison Squre Garden 1895”, by A.B. Wenzell

From the Men’s Section

Our men have, most of them, been well and correctly garbed during our horse show, and have many of them established the reputation of being excellent whips. In England at a recent “hunting breakfast” the table was wonderfully effective. Top boots held the flowers at opposite corners, a hunting cap formed the centerpiece, and was of a bright color; across it was a crop gracefully arranged. The cap had a tin lining and held “blackberries cut in long trails, hawthorn berries and shaded chrysanthemums.” The spurred boots were filled with the richest of crimson chrysanthemums and were slightly splashed with mud; horns, horseshoes and hurdles were arranged about the table in an artistic way. The designer advises that real bits, horns and shoes be always used. 

The fad of collecting old and unusual furniture and historical bits of silver is much indulged in by many of our bachelors, who show good taste in their selections. Men who have little “shooting boxes” should avoid when furnishing having too much furniture and should eschew all light and flimsy articles, having everything solid, practical and comfortable. It is nonsense to fit up a country home in city style.

At the New York Horse Show a few men showed a tendency to appear in very gay waistcoats. Tan and leather ones were popular. Ascot and Teck ties were universally seen and red prevailed, and real yellow gloves were seen in the morning, but of course, the evening saw every one in evening dress. Vogue remarks: “The collars this year are straight and standing; the all-round turned-down collar is still very popular. Otherwise everywhere there is a disposition to dress less and to avoid conventionalities, and I regret to see it. 

I shall always be an apostle of dress, and I believe firmly in its inexorable etiquette. There can be no mixing of matters. We must either dress to suit the occasion or we must abandon all hope of being considered gentlemanly. The present revolution in dress is arrant socialism. I am not in favor of it, and I shall fight against it.” – San Francisco Call, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of a Later Dinner Hour

“A marked change has taken place in the fashion. The evening dinner has for years been steadily gaining in popularity, and promises to become even more common than it is now. Thoughtful men and women recognize the wisdom of eating lightly at midday, when they are in the full tide of business, and reserving the heartiest repast for an hour when it can be discussed leisurely and digested peacefully.” – 1890

The New Fashionable Time to Dine

Twenty or thirty years ago the late dinner was not nearly so popular as it is now. The majority of people dined in the middle of the day, and not a few of them considered a six-o'clock dinner as an effort after fashion, that was unworthy the imitation of sensible men and women. Even in the large cities, servants rebelled against an alteration of the time-houored custom of serving the principal meal of the day at, or near noon, while in small towns the late dinner was so unusual that it was almost impossible to persuade domestics to consent to it.

A marked change has taken place in the fashion. The evening dinner has for years been steadily gaining in popularity, and promises to become even more common than it is now. Thoughtful men and women recognize the wisdom of eating lightly at midday, when they are in the full tide of business, and reserving the heartiest repast for an hour when it can be discussed leisurely and digested peacefully. Mistresses have learned that there is a gain in keeping the morning free for housework, instead of devoting most of it to the preparation of the dinner.The light lunch eaten in most homes demands much less time in cooking and eating than does a dinner, and leaves those who have partaken of it more fit for work than they would be, were their stomachs burdened with the task of digesting soup, meat, vegetables and dessert.

The late dinner is a more dignified meal than can possibly be made of a similar repast eaten at noon. The festal appearance imparted by the gleam of candles, lamps, or gas upon silver, china and glass, cannot be acquired by daylight. The pleasant harmony around the board of the members of the family, whose positions and interests have been divergent since morning, the happy consciousness that the work of the day is done, the knowledge that there is no toil waiting at the door of the diningroom, all bear their share in rendering the meal cheerful and care-free. 

More ceremony can and should be preserved at the evening dinner than is feasible at noon. The orderly sequence of courses and the careful serving have a part in adding to the dignity of the meal. These suggestions should not frighten the house-keeper who contemplates introducing the late dinner into their household. Very little extra work is involved in bestowing the touch of state referred to, and, after all, it consists chiefly in a slight additional care in waiting and serving, and to these the mistress can readily accustom the maid.— Christine Terhune Herrick, in Harper's Bazaar, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Wealth

By the 1890s, the center of fashionable Newport, and its famous 400, was Ochre Point, Ocean Drive and out Bellevue Avenue, where the nouveaux riche were all building their “palaces.” –Good manners are not the exclusive property of the wealthy. Good manners do not discriminate between the “haves” and the “have nots.” This gent was actually lamenting the stilted snobbery, not the actual etiquette of the wealthy.

Wealth vs. Happiness

A Millionaire  Sighs for Freedom From Conventionalities

“I never realized more forcibly that wealth does not bring happiness than one day at Newport,” said Austin Corbin, the millionaire banker and President of the Reading Railroad. “I had been moving along the fashionable drives scanning the faces of the passers-by. All were evidently bored to death. The ladies, arrayed in richest carriage toilets, seemed afraid to move lest they should disarrange their apparel. Not a ripple of laughter did I hear. All seemed to have arrayed themselves in their best and gone out to drive because it was a duty they owed to their social position to be seen among the other fashionables. Everybody's spirits seemed completely bowed down beneath the weight of fashion, decorum and etiquette, so inseparable from wealth. 

“Leaving the four hundred element I drove to an unfashionable and remote part of the beach. There in an eligible-situation, at just the right distance from the water for enjoyment, I saw a neat cottage adorned with the legend, ‘Mrs. O'Donnelly's ladies’ and gents’ boarding-house. Terms, $6 per week.’ A number of athletic young men and a bevy of buxom, rosy cheeked young girls were congregated on the porch and lawn. What a contrast the charmingly, healthful and natural appearance of these young people to that of the blighted, artificial victims of fashion I had just left. They were all in negligee costume, and merriment, playfulness and health sparkled in every eye and rang out heartily from every lip. „ “‘Oh.’ I thought, “if I could only escape from the fashionable prison, called a hotel by courtesy, where I am confined, with what inexpressible joy I would board at Mrs. O'Donnelly's.’”—Pittsburg. Dispatch, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Society

Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush —A Queen's Counsel (postnominal QC), or King's Counsel (postnominal KC) during the reign of a King, is an eminent lawyer (usually a barrister) who's appointed by the Queen to be one of "Her Majesty's Counsel learned in the law." The term is also recognised as an honorific.

What Constitutes Society?

A famous essayist once wrote: "l have but seldom sat at the tables of the great. but on such occasions I did not fail to notice that exalted rank does not always confer a superiority of manners; however, I must confess that while respect must always be paid to nobility, the arts of polite conversation, gentle manners, discretion of speech, kindness, sobriety, wit and learning seem to me most successfully cultivated by those who possess no title to respect other than may be conceded to integrity, Industry and success in life.

“Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush. He himself was a scholar and a wit, yet a wit who sought not to wound. His son, though apt to blush in conversation, had in him the making of a very pretty wit. His daughter, lovely in person, could also display the graces of the mind. They understood music enough to play movingly upon the spinuet. They were also well read and could aptly quote from Shakespeare. Milton and Dryden. They conversed intelligently on all subjects generally allowed to be Introduced before ladies, without boldness, but with a modesty which always best becomes a young geutiewoman. Of the wife and mother no praise would be too extravagant, but it will be sufficient to say that her daughter*, in attempting the task, despaired of emulating her. 

When contrasting a dinner given by my Lord Fullacre, the noisy talk that prevailed, the low topics introduced, the profusion of wine and other evils and extravagances, with a dinner at the house of Sam Littleton, the sobriety of his table, yet the plenty, the moderation of the drinking, the pretty conversation and lively sallies of the girls, the graciousness of the matron, the innocent mirth and laughter of the company, then you find what is true society—that is, society ordered according to the politeness of the age—must be sought for where the men are scholars of delicacy and breeding, and where the women have been educated to make them fit mates for the men." — San Francisco Call, 1892

                   Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Naturally

"No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches..."

Be Natural — Act Naturally 

One of the fashionable follies of the day is the affectation of great coolness. It is considered vulgar to be demonstrative. You meet an old friend; it is a blessing to your eyes to behold him once more. Your heart leaps up at sight of him—your impulse is to grasp him warmly by the hand. You feel almost like embracing him. You must do nothing of the kind. No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches. 

Self-possession is a strong quality, but we do not believe in this kind of self-possession. And people who school themselves in this are not apt to have the other and better kind. They are not apt to manifest self-possession on such as really call for it—occasions of difficulty and danger, and of great trials. Touch their self-love, make an unusual demand upon them for self-denial, and their assumed and superficial self-possession vanishes in an instant. For ourselves, we like naturalness of manner. Seem as you feel. Let the heart speak out, or what is the use in having a heart? There are crops which grow only on light soils, and the school of philosophy —miscalled philosophy—of which we speak must have originated in shallow brains. — Red Bluff Independent, 1874

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Quaint Customs and Etiquette

To "take one's dust" was a common expression or contempt. The custom was not without its uses in its day. But will it be believed that at the close of the nineteenth century this etiquette of the road is rigidly maintained, and that among well-bred people each equipage has to take the gait of the slowest?

Old-Time Virginia
Regions Yet Untouched 

by Nineteenth Century Innovations

The genuine, untouched Virginian of today has often been declared to be the most complete survival of eighteenth century England now in existence. There are certain eighteenth century customs and manners in common use here that have not been heard of in a hundred years in England. One of the quaintest is a custom of the road which died out in England when the post road and the traveling chariot went out of vogue. In those days, it was considered almost an affront for one traveler in a carriage to drive past another going the same way.

The traveling class was made up generally of the rich and leisurely, and as they bowled along in their coaches to have another coach dash by and give back its dust, and perhaps incite the coachman to a race, was considered highly indecorous. To "take one's dust" was a common expression or contempt. The custom was not without its uses in its day. But will it be believed that at the close of the nineteenth century this etiquette of the road is rigidly maintained, and that among well-bred people each equipage has to take the gait of the slowest?

True it is, some iconoclasts and outsiders drive past their fellow travelers without compunction, but they, therefore, prove their claim to be called iconoclasts and outsiders. When it is a very pressing case, an apology is called out such as "Pray excuse me, but my horse is restless," or "I am in haste to catch the boat," or something of the kind. But to drive ruthlessly ahead without a word of apology is considered the acme of ill breeding. –
Boston Evening Transcript, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Diplomatic Ethics

The sinking of the U.S.S. Maine: While the incident is still fresh in the memory of the people, our Secretary of State has seen fit to give a public dinner, and to include in the list of invited guests the Spanish Minister at Washington!

Disgusting Subserviency

The ethics of Diplomacy seem to have no limitations. While the dead of the Maine were being fished out of the slime of Havana harbor, our ambassador at the Spanish Court was engaged in wining and dining and toasting the Ministers and Diplomats of that country.

So outraged was the American sense of propriety over this incident that public sentiment was voiced in a Congressional resolution of censure, which, although not adopted, at least served to emphasize the universal conviction that good taste did not call for any such demonstration at that time.

Yet, while the incident is still fresh in the memory of the people, our Secretary of State has seen fit to give a public dinner, and to include in the list of invited guests the Spanish Minister at Washington.

While the wine was being passed around at Sherman's Washington home, the wife of Minister Woodford was hurrying out of Spain, and the consuls of this government in Cuba were being concentrated at Havana, ready to flee for their lives upon the first announcement of a break in Diplomatic intercourse, a precaution never before deemed requisite in dealings between recognized civilized nations.

If diplomatic etiquette demands any such sacrifices of national dignity to have been laid at the doors of Minister Woodford and Secretary Sherman, it will be conceded that they are in sore need of revision. — Los Angeles Herald, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Manners and Character

A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted.

Manners Are an Index of Character

A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person. The manner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer to judge him, for the reason that the former are involuntary. 

The manner in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness with which the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been ungraciously granted. — Our Deportment, 1881

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Fastidious Victorian Etiquette

“Never in any crisis of your life have I known you to have a handkerchief!”

“At a lecture, a special personal respect is due to the speaker. This is shown by a courteous attention and a general demeanor of interest and appreciation. If applause is merited, it should be given in a refined manner. The stamping of the feet is coarse, and the pounding of the floor with canes and umbrellas is as lazy as it is noisy. 

“The clapping of hands is a natural language of delight, and, when skillfully done, is an enthusiastic expression of approbation. Some effort is being made to substitute the waving of handkerchiefs as a symbol of approval or greeting to a favorite speaker, but it is quite probable that this silent signal will not take the place of the more active demonstration of clapping the hands, except on very quiet and intellectual occasions. 

“Scratching the head or ears, and picking the teeth, are operations that are properly attended to in one's own dressing-room. The conspicuous use of the handkerchief is in bad form. Blowing the nose is not a pleasant demonstration at any time, and at the table is simply unpardonable. A person of fastidious taste will take care of the nose in the quietest and most unobtrusive way, and refrain from disgusting other people of fastidious taste.”  —Agnes H. Morton 1892

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Royal Victorian Sunday Etiquette

She seldom leaves her bedroom much before 1:00, at which hour breakfast is taken with any member of the royal family who may be there, a cup of tea and a little toast having been previously conveyed to her Majesty's bedside by one of the “dressers.”

The Queen's Sundays

Among the articles in the November ' Quiver" is one by Mary Spencer Warren telling how the Queen spends Sunday. In former years it was customary for her Majesty to rise quite early on the Sunday morning—as, in fact, she did every day in the week. Of later years, however, she seldom leaves her bedroom much before 1:00, at which hour breakfast is taken with any member of the royal family who may be there, a cup of tea and a little toast having been previously conveyed to her Majesty's bedside by one of the "dressers." After breakfast the Queen has a turn around the grounds in her donkey carriage, the donkey being the one she bought at Florence.

To preach before the Queen is, of course, a greatly coveted honor, and etiquette formal and prescribed has to be observed. No personal reference to her Majesty is permissible, a pure Gospel discourse being de rigueur, delivered as though her Majesty was not present. Many have tried to evade these rules. The Queen likes and enjoys a plain, practical discourse, selected from the lessons or Gospel of the day, to occupy about twenty minutes in delivery. Questions of the day, and, above all, politics, must be entirely excluded. A celebrated divine broke this rule one Sunday, and preached a very strong political sermon; but it was his last opportunity—the royal pulpits have neither of them been filled by him again. Wherever her Majesty may be it is now her inevitable custom to drive out in a pair-horse carriage on Sunday afternoon.

 Dinner subsequently is somewhat stately. Very often the Queen partakes of it with only the members of her own family present, or any royal guest who may be staying there, save and except that the officiating clergyman of the day and the minister in attendance generally receive an invitation. As a rule, other guests are not asked. 

After dinner the Queen retires direct to her own special drawing-room, where, together with any of her family who may be present, she will enjoy some music of the old masters, preferably Beethoven and Mendelssohn. The Queen herself often takes part in duets with one of her daughters, and the Duke of Edinburgh, when present, contributes with his violin. — Sacramento Daily Union, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Portuguese Royal Court Etiquette

Doña Maria Pia of Savoy ~ She was a Portuguese “Queen Consort,” spouse of King Luís I of Portugal

The Best Dressed Woman In Europe

The Queen of Portugal is supposed to be the best dressed woman in Europe. The statement that she never wears a dress twice is an exaggeration. What are evidently referred to, are dresses worn on public occasions. This is in accordance with Court etiquette.

It may not be generally known that the Queen of Portugal has all her morning dresses made in London, and a morning costume just finished for her Majesty is in blue and brown, a plain skirt in brown brocade in a floral design, the outline of the pattern being in pale blue. Over the skirt is draped a pointed tunic of brown cloth, with black draperies of the same.

The bodice of brown cloth is shaped somewhat like an officer's shell jacket, with little gilt buttons all round the edge. Where the jacket is cut away in front, a loose vest front of pale blue silk is revealed, a sash of the same being ranged like a scarf drapery passing under the basque of the jacket behind, tied in two loops. — Cardiff Mail, May 8, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Above the Salt

A royal salt holder — In medieval times, due to its scarcity, salt was extremely expensive and only affordable by those in the higher ranks of society. At that time, royalty and nobility sat at the 'high table' while the commoner servants sat at lower, trestle tables. Salt was placed in the center of the high table. Only those of rank had access to the salt. Those less favored, and of lesser rank on the lower tables, were below, or beneath, the salt.

The proposed visit of the Infanta Eulalia of Spain to this country has given rise to a pretty exhibition of Court etiquette. She and her husband, Prince Antony, were to be the guests of the United States government, but in proffering hospitality, the mistake was made of intimating that the Duke of Veragua would be included in the company. This was quite too much for Spanish notions of propriety. 

A person of royal blood to sit with a mere nobleman, and have the salt between them on equal terms — never! A Monarchical guest must take separate treatment to sustain her dignity; to hobnob with an inferior is tantamount to insult. So the Infanta gets out of this disparaging predicament by undertaking to pay her own expenses, an independent course which may grieve this country the less inasmuch as Congress has not appropriated a dime for her august entertainment. — New York Herald, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Louis XVIII – Stickler for Etiquette

Louis XVIII, known as “The Desired” (le Désiré), was a Monarch of the House of Bourbon who ruled as King of France from 1814 to 1824. He spent 23 years in exile, from 1791 to 1814, during the French Revolution and the First French Empire, and then again in 1815, during the period known as “the Hundred Days” upon Napoleon I’s return from Elba.

How a Bright Answer Banished a King’s Anger 

ONE of the problems that sorely perplexes those who employ spies is whether or not some particular spy is not selling to the enemy as much information as he gives his employer. When Louis XVIII returned to France after his exile he appointed as his minister of police, Fouche, who had served under his enemies. During a private conversation with Fouche, Louis asked him to be frank. “Tell me.” Louis said, “who was the spy who did you the best service when your men were watching me?” Fouche tried to evade replying, but was compelled to answer. “Well sire, if you insist on knowing, it was the Duc de Blacas.” “How much did he get for the job?” the King smiled. “Two hundred thousand francs a year, sire.” “Ah!” the King cried with satisfaction. “That was the sum. He didn't cheat me. We went halves!” 

Stickler for Etiquette 

However free and easy Louis was as an exile, he was most punctilious in his demand that the Court etiquette be observed when he ascended the throne. One of Louis' ministers was M. de Corbiere. During a heated discussion one day, Corbiere, having his handkerchief and snuff box in his hand, unconsciously placed them on the King's table beside which he was sitting. The King seemed thunderstruck, and “looked daggers” at the offender. But Corbiere was an honest, simple Breton, who was not easily awakened to what he had done. Ignorant of the niceties of Court etiquette, he really didn’t know he had done anything very wrong. He was brought to a sense of something wrong by the furtive glances and expressive gestures of another of the men sitting nearby. Without haste, and with quiet gesture, Corbiere removed the offending handkerchief and snuff box from the King's table, remarking as he did so: “Sire, it would be very much better if you always had ministers who empty their pockets instead of those who fill them.” In his exile Louis had learned many things. One of these was to permit his spirit of fellowship full play. This witty apology pleased him, so he permitted his love of etiquette to vanish in a laugh that pardoned Corbiere.  – By Mark Stuyvesant, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Ball Etiquette and the Patroness

 A ball's patronesses should see, as far as possible, that the proper introductions are made, and that every one is enjoying the evening, their own pleasure coming last. 

The Duties of, and Details on, Patronesses at Balls

It is customary for the management of any institution giving a public ball to formally invite six, eight, or more married women to act as patronesses, and for their names to appear on the invitations. If badges are worn, each patroness is sent one or given one at the ball-room. The patronesses, after being welcomed at the ball by the management committees, take their places, ready to receive the guests. The Committee of Arrangements should look after the patronesses, introduce distinguished guests to them, escort them to supper and finally to their carriages.

Their duties are varied and responsible – among them, the subscription to the expenses of the entertainments. The patronesses should be divided into various committees to attend to special duties – as, music, caterers, supper arrangements, the ball-room, and all other details. While affairs of this kind could be left in the hands of those employed to carry out the details, it is better and safer for each committee to follow the various matters out to the smallest details.

Those devising new features and surprises for such an occasion will give the most successful ball. The one most active and having the best business ability should take the lead. Lists should be compared, in order to avoid duplicate invitations. The tickets should be divided among the patronesses, who, in turn, distribute them among their friends.

The patronesses should be at the ball-room in ample time before the arrival of the guests, to see that all is in readiness. They should stand together beside the entrance to welcome the guests. They should see, as far as possible, that the proper introductions are made, and that every one is enjoying the evening, their own pleasure coming last. 

If time permits, a hasty introduction to the patroness beside her may be made by a patroness, but it should not be done if there is the slightest possibility of blocking up the entrance. A nod of recognition here and there, or a shake of the hands with some particular friend, is all that is necessary. Prolonged conversation should be avoided.

A patroness should not worry over the affair, or leave anything to be done at the last minute. If she has to worry, she should not show it, lest she interfere with the pleasure of others. They should be the last to leave as well as the first to arrive, to see that the affair closes brilliantly. – From a variety of sources, including "The Book of Manners"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia