Hotel or Lunchroom Table Etiquette

The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one's plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.

Dear Mrs Adams,

Kindly advise me on the following questions relative to table etiquette in hotels and lunchrooms:

1. How to use napkin.
2. Where to place individual dishes such as bread, butter, water, fish, so on to salad.
3. When dishes are placed by a waiter, should they be moved to suit one’s convenience,
4. How to eat different bread stuffs, such as biscuit and hot rolls.
5. What to do when one does not care for courses that are brought on.
6. Is one supposed to eat from side dishes or dinner plate?
7. When a waiter brings courses ‘round should I take them off of the tray and place them on the table, or should the waiter?
8. How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?


1. The napkin is taken from the table, unfolded and laid across the knees. At the close of the meal, it should be placed unfolded, a little to the side of one’s plate.
2. The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one’s plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.
3. Yes, in an unobtrusive manner.
4. Bread, biscuit or rolls are eaten in the same manner. A piece is broken off each time one wishes to convey any to the mouth.
5. The best way to do this is to make a pretense of eating it, or to continue eating bread or crackers, so that you will not make yourself conspicuous by sitting back and not eating. Of course, if you are asked whether you would care for a certain dish when the order is given, you can then give your explanation.
6. If small portions are brought in on side dishes, you should take the food directly from them.
7. Leave the amount you desire to give the waiter on the tray when he brings your change. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The United Nations' White Chair

 

János Áder, President of Hungary is waiting to speak at the General Assembly. An interesting protocol rule, tradition is established at the General Assembly: a White chair is placed on the podium for the honour of a high dignitary guest. 

A Glimpse into the Protocol of the United Nations' General Assembly

Order of Precedence


Every year during the session of the General Assembly, the seating order between the Member States is changed by drawing a name of a country. That lucky state has the right to precede the other Member States during the General Assembly meetings. The precedence of countries is followed by the designated state in English language, alphabetical order. Member states have to seat the Heads of States or Prime Ministers first, then the Ministers, and then on the last row, their Permanent Representatives.


Official Visits of Dignitaries


When a Head of State or Government visits the Secretary-General, the Chief of Protocol greets the Head of State as he or she alights from his or her vehicle and escorts him or her to the office of the Secretary-General. At the end of the meeting, the Secretary-General will bid farewell to the Head of State or Government. 

Brazilian President Michel Temer addresses the opening of the 73rd General Assembly of the United Nations in 2018. 

The Chief of Protocol escorts the Head of State or Government either to the General Assembly Hall or to another designated area. During the general debate, seats are reserved in the VIP area of the General Assembly Hall for the spouses of the Heads of State or Government, Vice-Presidents, Crown Princes or Princesses participating in the general debate, provided that the Chief of Protocol is notified in advance of their attendance at the Session. (Reference: https://protocol.un.org/dgacm/pls/site.nsf/xpManual.xsp)

When a Head of State or Government speaks on the podium at the General Assembly, he or she always has to be accompanied by the Chief of Protocol of the United Nations, who waits for the high ranking person to finish the speech.

The chair itself had its own wait backstage with a cautionary sign, before the opening of the General Assembly.

The White Chair

An interesting protocol rule, tradition is established at the General Assembly: a White chair is placed on the podium for the honour of a high dignitary guest. When Royalty, Prime Minister, or a President, etc... attends the General Assembly meeting by entering the Assembly, he or she goes — in the company of the Head of Protocol of the United Nations— directly to the podium and sits on the White Chair.


The White Chair, right next to the podium of the U.N. General Assembly in New York City is reserved for world leaders waiting to speak at the annual meeting, which is a very interesting tradition of the UN.

Gabriella Kanyok is a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 10 years' experience in working with EU institutes, NGOs, internaionalorganisations, and supporting professionals. She not only advises and trains government- and EU officials, and businessmen in the field of diplomatic protocol and business etiquette, but she leads the communication department of an international organisation. Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies, and a Master’s in Protocol, Diplomacy and Cross Cultural Relations. She speaks Hungarian, English and French, and is currently learning Mandarin Chinese.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of Gloves and Fans

Etiquipedia has not found any other resource stating that women wore gloves when “taking tea” but it is possible the authors actually meant a literal definition of ‘taking the tea,’ and that the gloves were removed prior to ‘drinking’ said tea. Then again, the author may not take into consideration that history was littered with people exhibiting bad manners, just as they do today. This is just one example... Why bother removing one’s gloves for dinner, when one can just unbutton them at the wrists, tuck the ‘fingers’ under, and shove them back as the blithely unthinking character Michelle Pfeiffer played in the film, ‘Age of Innocence’ did? Plenty of women were said to have ignored the etiquette of the day, and used this method to get to their food more quickly at social events and suppers. It remains tacky, gauche and totally incorrect!

Women wore long, over-the-elbow gloves, for dinners. These were taken off at the dinner table and kept in one's lap while one ate. It was not easy taking off a tight fitting set of gloves and keeping them on one's lap when wearing a slick silk dress. 

Etiquette books warned against leaving the gloves on, and just folding back the portion that covered the hand. So this must have been a common expediency. 

A common sight at the end of dinner, when the women were ready to withdraw, was men down on their hands and knees picking up the gloves and fans that had fallen to the floor during the dinner.

When one took tea, one wore gloves, but one took off gloves to eat at that same tea. Women put on gloves to shake hands while men would remove their right glove to perform this honor.  A hostess would never wear gloves. — From Forgotten Elegance, 2001

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Dance Programs

Mrs. Chester Adams requests her friends to bring to her their Social Problems and Perplexities by letter at any time

Dear Mrs Adams,

Will you kindly tell me if it is proper for a hostess to provide programs when giving a large dance? What kind should they be, and when should they be given out? —A Reader


Dance programs are still very much in vogue for large entertainments, and either a card with gilt edges or a small sheet of bristol board, folded once, is provided, and also a small pencil, attached to the card or sheet by a silk cord or ribbon. They either are placed in the dressing rooms, convenient to the guests to help themselves, or they are offered by a servant from a silver tray as the guests enter the ballroom. — Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette ~ Marjabelle Young Stewart

From the back of the 1969 book, ‘Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say “How Do You Do”’

Marjabelle Young Stewart; taught and wrote about etiquette

Marjabelle Young Stewart, an authority on proper manners who wrote more than 20 books and ruled the White Gloves and Blue Blazers children’s etiquette empires, died in 2007. She was 82.

Stewart, also famous for the annual list of best-mannered cities she began issuing in 1977, died March 3, 2007, of pneumonia at a nursing home in Kewanee, Ill., according to her daughter, Jacqueline Ramont.

Stewart’s career took her to the White House to teach manners to the daughters of Presidents Johnson and Nixon and later made her a fixture on the talk-show circuit. But her early years were anything but aristocratic.

“She was a self-made woman,” Ramont said. “She always said a good handshake and good table manners would get you anywhere.

Stewart was the second of four daughters born in Council Bluffs, Iowa, to Marie and Clarence Cullen Bryant. Her father was a great-grandson of poet William Cullen Bryant. The couple divorced while the girls were young and turned them over to a local orphanage called Children’s Square, where one of them died.

“I’ve just recently come to grips with all this,” Stewart told a Times interviewer in 1987 while recalling her childhood. “It was an old tin can I had to get rid of.”

But although she often spoke of the rigors of her orphanage upbringing, Stewart also credited the training she received there for her knowledge of etiquette, her granddaughter Erin Marjabelle Albert said.

After being reunited with her mother, Stewart lived on an Iowa farm and graduated from high school in Council Bluffs. In 1941, at the age of 17, she married scientist Jack Davison Young and moved with him to Washington, D.C., where she worked in a naval yard before being recruited for a modeling assignment. She soon became one of Washington’s top models and founded a modeling agency with two other women.

Her modeling work brought Stewart into contact with Washington society. She met the late humor columnist Art Buchwald, who persuaded her to collaborate with his wife, Ann, on a light-toned etiquette book. The result, “White Gloves and Party Manners,” became an unexpected bestseller. Stewart collaborated on two other books with Ann Buchwald before going on to write more books by herself.

Stewart and Young divorced, and in 1962 she married attorney William E. Stewart and moved with him to Kewanee.

Impressed with the success of his wife’s books, he and several of his friends founded a business based on the etiquette training technique she had been offering in classes for professionals and college students.

The results were trademarked etiquette classes for children, White Gloves for girls and Blue Blazers for boys.

The classes were eventually offered in conjunction with department store chains in 800 cities nationwide, including Bullock’s in Southern California.

Stewart is survived by her husband, two children, three grandchildren and one great-grandchild.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Movie ‘Extras’

Dancing Don’ts and Other Don’ts for the Uninitiated on Movie Sets

Allen Holubar is thinking of writing a book on ball room etiquette and presenting a copy to each extra man. Holubar has been trying to get several hundred extras to act as though they had been on a varnished floor before in their lives, in a big scene for Dorothy Phillips’ feature, and the director and his assistant, Harry Bucquet, have outlined the following commandments:

• Do not lift your dancing partner by her ears. 
• Do not drag back the right leg in making a bow. 
• Do not nudge your hostess in the ribs to attract her attention. 
• Under no circumstance must men playing “diplomats” engage in fist fights while the camera is clicking. 
• Dowagers must not shoot crap with the property men. It interferes with their work. 
• Dinner guests must not eat all the food until it is certain that a retake will not be necessary. 
• While dining, the guests will keep the elbows close to the ribs and avoid bayoneting their neighbors with their funny bones. 
• In the scene where the music recital is depicted, the guests will neither stamp their feet, whistle or be seen accompanying the musicians with mouth organs, comb and tissue, or other instruments. — Los Angeles Herald, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Table Novelties

 

It would be possible to duplicate this arrangement by combining two sizes of bowls already in possession in these days, when many glass closets show shelves well-stocked in this line. 

Many asparagus servers do not serve satisfactorily to the purposes for which they are designed. It remains to be seen if this will. It certainly has a plausible appearance.

A Floral Finger Bowl and One More Sort of Asparagus Dish

Housekeepers will be glad of a look at the two novelties shown. The double finger bowl is a simple arrangement of two bowls, one inside the other, the larger one holding a little water, enough to moisten the few flowers needed to give the upper and actual finger bowl the appearance of resting in a wreath. 

It would be possible to duplicate this arrangement by combining two sizes of bowls already in possession in these days, when many glass closets show shelves well-stocked in this line.


The second novelty is an asparagus rack for serving that rather difficulty-handled vegetable, with a sauce boat at each end, in which may be offered respectively, the plain melted butter and white sauce served with the course.


Manufacturers seem weary of offering improvements and suggestions in the way of asparagus dishes, tongs, forks, and spoons. Many of them do not serve satisfactorily to the purposes for which they are designed. It remains to be seen if this will. It certainly has a plausible appearance. — The New York Times, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fads and Beauty Trends

Ouch! Creating scented blood? Sewing eyelashes on? Throughout time, men and women alike have gone to extremes for the sake of keeping up with the latest, so-called ‘beauty trends.’ The gilded age was no different.

It was the Parisian women who were so credited two or three years ago with the objectionable practice of injecting perfume under the skin, by which the very blood became aromatic, and now to them is ascribed another process, less objectionable, perhaps, but still very questionable. It is a method by which false eyelashes may be made. A fine needle, threaded with dark hair, is drawn through the skin of the eyelid, forming long loops, and after the operation is over— it is said it is painless — there remains a beautiful fringe to veil the wearer's eyes. — The New York Times, June 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for 1915 Movie Theaters

For the concert or drama everybody is on time, while the picture house is more of a “drop-in” place at any old time. The patrons seem quite willing to arrive for the last of a multiple reel subject and wait over to got the first of it last. For that reason they do not become greatly interested until there is a new subject on... 

Motion Picture News From Elsewhere

PROPER manners in the motion-picture theatre have as yet not been definitely determined. Authorities on the subject agree that it is not proper form to converse in loud tones: but in a general way abide by the etiquette of the concert hall and spoken drama. It is recognized, however, that this is more difficult to adhere to in the picture theatre when screen incidents so frequently occur that are conducive to some side remark that would meet with instant disapproval during the rendition of a symphony or during a theatrical scene when so much depended up on the expression of the actors. 

There is more or less constant confusion in a picture theatre. For the concert or drama everybody is on time, while the picture house is more of a “drop-in” place at any old time. The patrons seem quite willing to arrive for the last of a multiple reel subject and wait over to got the first of it last. For that reason they do not become greatly interested until there is a new subject on. With this situation a constant performance it is natural that many minds should be lax in considering the concentration others may have subjected themselves to. 

Many are so bored, they will enter at any time and remain as quiet as a mouse and if they do not fully grasp the screen subject, they find more or less enjoyment in the musical accompaniment. This lack of consideration for others is the present bane of picture theatres. One can notice this in persons entering a theatre late and keeping up a loud conversation, obscuring the vision of others at both taking a seat and leaving it, and in a multitude of other ways. 

Sometimes the deficiency is due to a lack of house discipline as theater employees are frequently lacking in the proper form. Discussions over the price of gas or what the weather was at this time last year, may be wafted from foyer or projection room while the big resolve of the story is taking place. Some time, perhaps, the situation will be different. One trade paper has suggested, facetiously, that the management provide ear mufflers.— Morning Press, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Patriotic Etiquette for WWI Rationing

“Don’t forget that every patriot in the nation has a personal obligation to aid in winning this war by reducing consumption of wheat to a minimum, until the next harvest. Wheat means victory.”

— Photo source Etiquipedia private family library  

Don’ts for the Patriotic Diner

While practically the entire commercial baking and public dining industries of California, including hotels, restaurants and clubs, have pledged strict conformity with the wheat saving rules and regulations of the United States food administration, and have perfected organizations among themselves to force observance by those who might refuse to do so voluntarily, their cooperation, to be 100 percent effective, depends largely on the attitude of the individual patron, Ralph P. Merritt, federal food commissioner for the state, announced today when he issued a list of “Don’ts” for the guidance of patriotic “diners out.” They follow in brief:

• “Don’t ask for food containing wheat flour or wheat products unless you are an invalid and must have it for your health’s sake. 
• “Don’t ask for more than two ounces of wheat bread and wheat products combined at any one meal under any circumstances. The restaurant is fordidden to serve more.
• Aid in observing the restrictions. “Don’t allow the waiter to serve you any foods containing wheat on the wheatless Mondays and Wednesdays, or at the daily evening wheatless meal. 
• “Don’t buy more bread from your baker than you absolutely must have. 
• “Don’t hesitate to report personally observed infractions of the rules to the food administration, or to your local food administrator. They will be investigated. 
• “Don’t forget that every patriot in the nation has a personal obligation to aid in winning this war by reducing consumption of wheat to a minimum, until the next harvest. Wheat means victory.” 
• The advice to the people to eat chicken and game is a good deal like the suggestion of Marie Antoinette that the people of Paris eat cake instead of bread. — San Pedro Pilot News, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Guest Don’ts of 1916

     When you have your food, don’t hesitate about beginning to eat. Old-fashioned people wait until all are served before eating, but it isn’t strictly correct to do this. Of course, if you happen to be one of a home party, where you are passing vegetables to others, you would naturally see that you had done your part before beginning to enjoy your own share of the meal. —A Theodore Haviland patent design for a plate of the era.

A Few Don’ts For the Table

Here are a few valuable “don’ts” for the table; they are worth remembering: 

• When your hostess passes you a plate, don’t offer to pass it on to another person. Take what your hostess intended for you. 
• And when you have your food, don’t hesitate about beginning to eat. Old-fashioned people wait until all are served before eating, but it isn’t strictly correct to do this. Of course, if you happen to be one of a home party, where you are passing vegetables to others, you would naturally see that you had done your part before beginning to enjoy your own share of the meal. 
• Don’t take a second “helping” of soup or fish if you are going through a meal of several courses. 
• Never cut your bread. It should he broken on the cloth or the plate that may be provided, and broken without raising it from the table. 
• Don’t shake salt over your food. Salt and mustard should be placed on the side of the plate. 
• For the sake of your neighbors, don't stick out your elbows when dining. People who have acquired this very bad habit should practice until they find another angle. When manipulating food on the plate, use the hands from the wrist, not from the elbow's. 
• Here are the distinctive glasses used for particular wines : For those of the sparkling variety, we use a very broad and shallow glass; for Burgundy and claret, large goblet shaped glasses are correct; Sherry and Madeira require ordinary wine glasses, but port is poured into somewhat larger bell shaped glasses ; green glasses are used for hock. — San Francisco Call, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Proper Use of the Finger Bowl

For less formal use, the finger bowl is set up on a doily on the dessert plate and is removed with its doily and set at one side to wait until needed. It is bad form to pass a finger bowl without a plate and doily underneath it. The latter should never be omitted, though it is sometimes done ignorantly.

We have all laughed at the story of the country guest who drank from his finger bowl, and his hostess, to put him at ease, followed suit. It would scarcely seem possible in these days for such a mistake to occur, but many well bred people are uncertain as to finger bowl etiquette. Finger bowls are now used at every meal. At breakfast, they are sometimes on the table with the fruit plates and removed with the doily to the side. In some families they are only used with the fruit course; and in others, fresh ones are passed at the close of the meal, after the breakfast plate is removed. 

For lunch or dinner, the finger bowl is passed at the close of the meal; though occasionally it is used if grape-fruit in the rinds is a first course. And in formal families, where servants are trained never to have a vacant space in front of the guest, except just before the dessert course, when the table is brushed, a finger bowl on its plate is set down in front of each guest at the other hand. For less formal use, the finger bowl is set up on a doily on the dessert plate and is removed with its doily and set at one side to wait until needed. It is bad form to pass a finger bowl without a plate and doily underneath it. The latter should never be omitted, though it is sometimes done ignorantly.


A finger bowl doily may be as plain or as elaborate as the taste of the hostess and her pocketbook dictate. For ordinary use, those of fine linen or damask, embroidered with a simple scallop and with the initials of the hostess at one side, are very nice. The popular crocheted doilies are also liked for steady wear, or those in Madeira embroidery. Sheer lace doilies, or heavier ones of fine Cluny, Russian lace, or combinations of filet and eyelet embroidery on fine linen, are in best taste.


When the finger bowl is passed by itself, it is allowed to remain on the doily on the plate; when it is passed on the dessert plate, the bowl and doily are removed together. A finger bowl doily should about cover the center of the plate and must be spotless and well laundered. The fingers should never be wiped on it. A finger bowl is filled with clear, cold water, to a little more than a third of its depth. It can have a slice of lemon in it, a rose geranium, or other scented green leaf. Lemon verbena is delightful in season. Occasionally, a single flower of those used in the table decorations, floats in the finger bowl. Nasturtium blossoms are especially effective. 

If you have not enough finger bowls to go around, better do without them. One bowl shared by two persons is absolutely impermissible. Do not feel it necessary to take a bath with your finger bowl. Dipping the tips of the fingers in the water or rubbing them over the scented leaf, should be all that is needed for a dainty eater. Some well bred persons run their moistened fingers over their lips, but its propriety is a mooted question. Dry the fingers on the napkin unobtrusively. — The New York Times, May, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Correspondence Etiquette — the Don’ts

Whether hand written, via email or text, these tips survive the test of time—Don’t write anything in a perfunctory way; remember always that each letter or endorsement should bear the impress of the writer's dignity, courtesy and intelligence.

Some ‘Don’ts’ for Letter Writers —They Might Help You

Samuel McGowan, Paymaster General of the United States Navy, has compiled a long list of instructions for the members of his department of the service, particularly on the subject of letter writing. The Paymaster’s department is the business office of the United States Navy, and what are good rules for it are good rules for any business house. 

The following is the list of “Don'ts” for letter writers, which Paymaster General McGowan has compiled, believing that the advice is good for any person who has to write letters or conduct business negotiations. 

The “Don’ts” follow; 

• Don’t write at all unless you have something to say; and, having said it, stop. 
• Don’t answer a letter just because somebody else wants you to. If you did, many a purposeless correspondence might go on indefinitely. 
• Don’t give reasons or explanations unless they are called for.
• Don’t write anything in a perfunctory way; remember always that each letter or endorsement should bear the impress of the writer's dignity, courtesy and intelligence. 
• Don’t hesitate to say “no” if that is the proper answer; having said it, don’t attempt to suggest an alternative aimed to circumvent your own “no.” 
• Don’t discuss people; discuss things.
• Don’t write anything quarrelsome; it would probably not be signed. 
• Don’t get excited; or, if you do, don’t record the fact on paper. 
• Don’t use long words when it can be helped (and it generally can). — Los Angeles Herald, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Respect and Etiquette

 

What "Respect" Looks Like

Respect is one of the most important words we can know.  We feel it when we read or hear it. We know its significance when we use it.  And, as the 18th century icon, Adam Smith said, “We desire both to be respectable and to be respected.”  The positive view formed on how persons are living their lives is the stuff of respect. 

But as important as respect is, it’s interesting that the word itself no longer shows up with the same frequency it once did.  Google Books Ngram searches of its data bases of printed books, indicates usage of the word “respect” is the lowest it has been in over three centuries.    

Now is the perfect time to ask ourselves how we conceptualize and demonstrate respect.

Respect is Not Fear

Respect and fear are sometimes intertwined when it comes to how they are perceived, however the two are very different.  You may think you respect someone or something you fear, but this is not true if insecurity, distrust, or chaos also exist.

The following statements help confirm the difference between respect and fear:

• A respected person commands respect, but their respect is never commanded. 
• When you admire a person and what she stands for, she commands your respect. 
• Recognizably honoring a person or cause demonstrates your statement of respect, or your desire to show respect for what others value. 
• If you deem another person worthy of respect, you can find personal inspiration in that person.  
• Qualities, deeds, values that attract and draw us to a person also call us to make these our virtues.
• Respect is not earned by making people fear us, but by their naturally admiring us. Admiration by fear is coercion. 
• We can always be afraid; we only earn respect.  Fear repels; respect attracts.
  
  

Putting it Into Practice

Respect in action is as simple as living by The Golden Rule.  You can test this by asking yourself:
“Am I treating others the way I would want to be treated?”  
“Are my actions admirable, honorable?”
“Do my actions make others feel cared for, valued, and important?”

Practicing respect looks, sounds, and feels like:  

• Listen, really listen, to what others say. 
• Give your attention to those you interact with. 
• Offer encouragement and support for the best in others. 
• Acknowledge that another person wants to speak and be heard.
• Put yourselves in someone else’s shoes to enable compassion, which sometimes is friendly silence. 
• Recognize and honor the difference among what’s mine, thine, and held in common. 

Each of the actions above demonstrate that respecting others is simply treating them as you would want to be treated.

Does Self-respect Come First?

It’s a “chicken and egg” question.  Learning to respect yourself does not happen apart from learning to respect others.  Other people are necessary in complex social mirroring and feedback processes.  

Every human being has intrinsic value and discovering this is a lifelong uncharted journey.  We respect ourselves when we find, define and accept our own worth and value.  

Self-check on self-respectful actions:

• Am I consistently being honest with myself?
• How am I doing with my learning and self-education?
• Am I taking care of myself, treating myself well?
• Am I taking responsibility for my own conduct?  
• Do I self-assess and work to eliminate bad influences or habits in my life?
• Do I give myself time to clearly articulate how I feel?
• Am I able to give myself an “A” for good manners and proper conduct, realizing that how other people react to me can be signals that I need to reevaluate and make changes?

Showing respect for yourself and others is the core of etiquette.  It is a simple word, but holds more meaning than the majority of other words in our language.  As George Matthew Adams wrote in the Sacramento Union on March 21, 1913: 
“Respect is the name of the Fellow who tends door for your Conscience.  He is the most sacred Office in life of your Character…Respect is your most faithful of Friends, your greatest Guide, your most powerful Protector, your safest Pilot into Port.”

“A person is a person no matter how small.”  ~ Dr. Seuss

                                          

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Stupidity and Etiquette

The objectionable features of the after-dinner finger-bowl arise principally in the stupid idea that they add to the elegance of the table, as much as does an épergne, and from the other fact that those using them, in order to do homage to the host, who has provided them with much récherché utensils, deem it incumbent on themselves to perform an elaborate after-dinner toilet. —The New York Times, February 1880

FINGER-BOWLS

The objectionable features of an after-dinner toilet

The subjects of finger-bowls, and mouth-cleansers are apparently again agitating the minds of the diners-out. Quite a long time ago, in the Household columns, an opinion was advanced in regard to after-dinner ablutions. Considered as a matter of dinner etiquette, it may be roundly asserted that finger washing after dinner is really an over refinement, and rather disagreeably suggestive than otherwise. If this system of cleansing the hands were pushed a l’outrance, we might require that the servants between the different courses, should go through the same operation, for a good many doubtful thumbs concealed under dingy cotton gloves might be the better for it. Practically considered, however, finger-bowls after dinner are rather useful than ornamental. 

Possibly it is too much for the latter cause that they are used. There are certain fruits which cannot be eaten without sticking the fingers. Confectionery — marron glacé and such things — when partaking of, does make the fingers feel uncomfortably. It is, then, perfectly legitimate to use a finger-bowl and small napkin; even further use may be made of the bowl by dipping the end of the napkin in the water and applying it to the lips. Such as are masculine, with mustaches, find such use of the finger-bowl is comforting to a degree.

All the trouble about it is in the display. Why do people who give dinners, insist on having such highly decorative small-sized hand basins at their tables? The simpler, the less obtrusive they are, the better. In fact, when introduced, they should be brought in last, just as the curtain falls on the dinner, not advanced while the play is going on. Those who use these finger-bowls are often at fault in the way they employ them. They make too much of a business of it. They repeat, on a minor scale, the tubbing process. 

The best table manners are those which are the most quiet. If there is any one thing more uncomfortable than any other, it is to hear your neighbor at the table swishing away, scrubbing his hands, and flicking his napkin around as if it were a jack-towel on a kitchen door. All you have to do is dip your fingers in the water, but you must be a very clumsy feeder if the palms of your hand are sullied; then the business is over. You may, before you begin, dip your napkin in the water and wipe your mouth. But the use of that extra cup inside of the bowl is to be inveighed against as a disgusting thing. No screen made with the hands avails to hide this repulsive act. 

There is something horrible in the idea of one’s rinsing out their mouth at dinner, which recalls the toothbrush or the dentist’s chair. The act of gurgling, and the final expulsion of the fluid, is simply nauseating. This filthiness was never intended, as the usage of the smaller glass. What it was put there for was to wash the outside of the mouth only. The nasty use of it may be called one of the false developments of civilization, and should be held up to scorn. As it is a temptation in the way of the ignorant, it would be wiser to abandon the small glass entirely, and then no mistakes could be made. 

Unusual things at a dinner table are not to be recommended to be recommended; nevertheless there is an Eastern custom, sometimes used in the south of France and in Spain, derived undoubtedly, from the Moors, which is not so much out of the way. At the conclusion of a dinner a servant presents to each guest a large copper basin, which he holds in one hand while with the other he pours from a large metal vessel, which has a spout with a small aperture, a thin stream of water. A very little water, without splashing falls on the fingers of the guest, who then uses his napkin, or takes one from another servant who follows. It is the parade of the thing, however, which renders it objectionable, though it is sensible enough. 

The objectionable features of the after-dinner finger-bowl arise principally in the stupid idea that they add to the elegance of the table, as much as does an épergne, and from the other fact that those using them, in order to do homage to the host, who has provided them with much récherché utensils, deem it incumbent on themselves to perform an elaborate after-dinner toilet. —The New York Times, February 1880

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Politician Profits Off Terrapin’s Backs

With terrapin’s popularity on dining tables and on restaurant menus, the turtles became popular motifs, patented for everything from flatware to soup tureens in the gilded age.  

“Green turtle is the epicurean soup, par excellence.” - Eunice C. Corbett in Good Housekeeping Magazine, March 1894

“Send the terrapins to the table hot in a covered dish, and the sauce separately in a sauce tureen, to be used by those who like it, and omitted by those who prefer the genuine flavor of the terrapins when simply stewed with butter. This is now the usual mode of dressing terrapins in Maryland, Virginia, and many other parts of the South, and will be found superior to any other.” —From The Whitehouse Cookbook, 1887

United States Senator Dennis, of Maryland, has about twelve acres of land put down in a pond, that is fed by salt water. This pond makes the largest terrapin farm probably in the world, and is the source of a heavy income. In it, terrapins are raised for the market, and it is said that over 12,000 “count” have been sold from it in one year. It may be noted, for the benefit of the uninitiated, that a “count” is a terrapin over seven inches in length; and that “counts” sold by number—bringing from $10 to $14 a dozen, or about a $1 each. 

In market they retail for about $20 per dozen—and in the fashionable restaurants are served at $1.50 a plate —one terrapin filling about three plates. Smaller terrapins are sold at lower figures, but all bring good figures and are “diamond” backs in fact, as well as name. There are several terrapin ponds in Maryland, and they grow in importance as “terrapin stew, Maryland style,” is becoming more and more popular among high livers. The thriving city of Crisfield, in Maryland, ships terrapins by the thousands, along with its millions of oysters. — Napa County Reporter, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Visiting Card Etiquette

A depiction of “Chinese Literary Men”

Visiting is made a most serious business in China, and every individual of respectability must have a servant to carry and present his cards. A Chinese card is not a white, glazed little bit of pasteboard, but a huge sheet of scarlet paper, with the name inscribed in large characters; the more mammoth-like the character, the more grand and respectable it is. Cards are of several kinds. There is the plain card, a single sheet of scarlet paper, with the name written or stamped nearest the right hand and topmost sides. This is employed on common occasions. 

Then there is the official card, mostly used by the Mandarins on visits of ceremony. This is also a single sheet, and it contains the name, preceded by the entire title, written down the center from the top to the bottom. Then again, there’s the full card, which is only produced on very grand occasions, such as New Year visits, visits of congratulations or condolence. The full card is folded and must contain 10 folds. It does not give titles, but simply contains the name of the individual, written in the right hand and bottom corner of the first fold, prefaced by the words, “Your stupid younger brother” and followed by the words, “bows his head and pays his respects.” 

Where the person visited belongs to a generation senior to the visitor, the latter styles himself, “Your stupid nephew.” If to two generations senior, the visitor writes, “Your more than stupid nephew.” Should the individual visited belong to a younger generation, the visitor takes to himself the name of “uncle,” instead of “nephew,” retaining, however, the depreciatory appellative of “stupid.” 

There are still further varieties of self-designation, according to the particular gradations of relationship; but those we have quoted will suffice to give an idea of the punctilious rules particular to Chinese visiting. We may add that the card last described is, as a matter of etiquette, always understood to be returned to the visitor, it being presumably expensive to leave such voluminous proofs of regard with a number of friends. —The New York Times, 1871

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A Gilded Age Servant Problem

The habit of calling servants “the girls” and “helps” has had not a little to do with the demoralization of domestics in this country. They insist there are no servants in the United States, and the deference due to superiors in the ‘old countries’ is not to be exacted here. Now, what we want are honest, efficient servants, with a sufficient quantity of neat dresses and undergarments to render them tidy and respectable looking. At many boarding schools, each girl is obliged to bring a stated number of good undergarments. Why not exact the same from servants? 

Understanding the Importance of Undergarments and Proper Training

To the Editor of the New-York Times: The excellent article in the TIMES on “Servants” has encouraged me to speak. I have been anxiously expecting to see it followed up by other hints, and thus prepare the way for action. Every household is suffering more or loss from the want of good, efficient servants, not “helps.” Farmers in the country employ these, when they get their equals, or the sons and daughters of their neighbors to assist them.


The habit of calling servants “the girls” and “helps” has had not a little to do with the demoralization of domestics in this country. They insist there are no servants in the United States, and the deference due to superiors in the ‘old countries’ is not to be exacted here. Now, what we want are honest, efficient servants, with a sufficient quantity of neat dresses and undergarments to render them tidy and respectable looking. At many boarding schools, each girl is obliged to bring a stated number of good undergarments. Why not exact the same from servants?


And in yesterday morning's TIMES we see by the address of Reverend H.W. Beecher, that there are 30,000 unfortunate women in the city of New York, many of them brought to that condition for want of proper employment or training for work. Again, we hear of thousands of thousands out of employment, and also that household after household is without its usual complement of servants, either because it cannot afford to pay the enormous wages required, or supply its domestics with the luxuries they require; or, what is often the case, the heads of households are in despair as to where to turn to look for honest women to do their work properly.


Answering advertisements, all can tell you who have tried it, no matter how much trouble one is put to to hunt them up, is almost always unsatisfactory for one reason or another. And intelligence offices, what are they but places where women congregate to gossip and insult ladies who come after them by their arrogance and exactions? If a good girl goes into one, she is soon spoiled by the rest, who dictate to her what she must do, and what she must not. The keepers of the offices are often, if not always, the fosters and encouragers of discontent, as it fills their pockets with money and the offices with women.


Cannot some enterprising person bring about a better state of things? Domestics themselves would certainly be benefited, for under the present state of affairs they are far from being a happy class of creatures; they drift from pillar to post, and finally die, never having reached any position of trust or esteem. - From a Subscriber — The New York Times, April 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Digital Civility

How is Technology 
Challenging Civility?

Technology can improve lives and provides boundless communication possibilities.  It brings people together when physical distance would keep us apart.  The opportunities for friendships, education, and employment abound because of endless technological advancements.

However, there is a downside.  Technology makes private reactions instantly public, creating a challenge to civility.  

In 2020, Microsoft reported that digital civility is at the lowest level in four years.  “Microsoft’s Digital Civility Index stands at 70%, the highest reading of perceived online incivility since the survey began in 2016, and the first time the DCI has reached the 70th percentile.  Moreover, the equally troubling trends of emotional and psychological pain—and negative consequences that follow online-risk exposure—both also increased significantly.”

A recent personal experience with online incivility came about when I entered a live-streaming news event.  The app allows for anyone to post immediate, hair-raising reactions in emoji’s and comments as well.  An angry emoji often accompanies a venomous comment.  Comments consume two-thirds of the app screen and subsumed the live news report.  

During this same live-stream event, I offered a compliment regarding the person speaking.  I received an instant notification from a person I don’t know who had placed negative emojis and negative comments about my positive comment—on my social media page.  I checked this person’s social media and he seemed as if he would be a nice enough fellow, yet he felt compelled to “dis” my positive comment with negativity.  Not very civil. 

Technology is a Problem

Technology is neutral.  Whatever good or bad, positive or negative, form it takes is created by how we engage it.  

The problem with digital technology is that there is little accountability or incentive to encourage empathy.  And no disincentives for bad behavior.  

Without an accountability structure, there is no opportunity to learn empathy, as there is no reason to have to put yourself in another person’s shoes.  Absent is in-person, face-to-face, having to look someone in the eye and be response-able.  You really can be more or less anonymous and face no consequences, no feedback. 

Will this hurt civility in our society?  It certainly could.  Empathy is at the core of civility, and without empathy we can never know how we might help someone or understand beyond our narrow bubbles of perception what another person is like or what they might need.

Civility is a Big Deal

A person wrote to me asking why I make such a big deal out of etiquette.  He commented that he likes getting things off his chest and what he says doesn’t hurt anyone—no, he continued—if anything his comments might stop them long enough to think.  I responded, “Maybe your negativity hurts you.  Maybe you are de-humanizing yourself.”  He didn’t write back.  

Being human requires being aware of the effects and impact you have on another human.  Otherwise, there is no consideration.  Feedback and consequences give us the opportunity to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  

If we can’t imagine what it is like in those shoes, then we can’t develop empathy.  Without empathy, we are more likely to create a situation where a person might be hurt.

At the end of the day, we must ask ourselves what kind of a person we’ve been.  Would we want those we love to know that we hadn’t intended to be civil, to be respectful?  

Practice this digital civility challenge daily:  

1. Live by the Golden Rule.
2. Respect differences and perspectives.
3. Pause before responding to things.
4. Stand up for yourself and others.  

There is always promise for the future.  But, really, it’s up to each of us as individuals to be the best we can be.  Humans can choose to be etiquette-ful.  This quality can never be legislated.

Will you choose to be respectful and kind today?

                                             

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia