Victorian Children’s Table Manners

“If in doubt at any time as to what is proper, follow the example of others of more experience.” Wise etiquette advice then, and just as wise advice now. 

Table Manners for Children

• Drink from the cup—never from the saucer
• Teaspoons are left in the saucer, not in the cup. 
• Making a noise, either in eating or drinking, is vulgar. 
• Always cheerfully defer to older people and to guests. 
• Eat slowly, and do not fill the mouth with large quantities. 
• Eat the food served or quietly leave it on the plate without remark. 
• Avoid drumming with the fingers or feet; it is the height of impoliteness. 
• If in doubt at any time as to what is proper, follow the example of others of more experience. 
• Patiently await the coming of your turn; do not follow with the eyes the food served to others. 
• Never unnecessarily handle the dishes, or in any other way exhibit nervousness or impatience. 
• Do not feel obliged to “clean up the plate;” especially do not make a laborious display of doing so. 
• Do not ask for any particular part of a fowl or similar dish, unless asked your preference; in that case always indicate some part, and if there really be no choice, designate the portion with which the host can most conveniently render service.— The Weekly Bouquet, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teach Etiquette with Games

Not like this below.             Do this below instead!                            

Playing games to teach good manners ahead of time, is better than the alternative of scolding a child later on for exhibiting acquired bad manners.

POINTS FOR PARENTS

Playing games which teach good manners is more effective and much pleasanter than is scolding about bad manners.

Mother: "I was so ashamed of you last night when we had guests—reaching clear across the cake plate to take the biggest piece!" 

Mother: "Let's pass the plate of cookies around the table and you have each one of the dolls take the cookie that is nearest to her."—By Edyth Thomas Wallace, 1953

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boys and Girls

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness.

Wise Etiquette Advice for 

Victorian Era Boys and Girls

Nothing can be a greater mark of ill-manners than to remain sitting while your elder is standing before you talking to you. Rise and offer your seat or another at once, and never lounge on the sofa or take the easiest chair, while there are those in the room whose age gives them a better claim to them. 

And always be polite, respectful and modest in your demeanor to everyone, especially to your superiors, remembering also that there is nothing more disgusting than to see young people assume an air of self-importance and disrespect towards anyone. 

Never stare people in the face. If you are talking with anyone, it is proper to look at them— eye to eye—with a cheerful, dignified assurance; but to stare at anyone, as though you saw something peculiar about him, is exceedingly rude and impolite. 

Do not cultivate clownish or monkeyish manners. We have seen rude boys and even girls, who seemed to take pride in antic gestures, foolish jesting, buffoonery or what is styled "drollery," and who took great delight in using odd expressions, thinking that it made them appear interesting to the lookers on. Such behavior may excite the laughter of the foolish, as the wise men tell us: "For the mouths of fools feedith on foolishness," But every sensible person regards such conduct with disgust and abhorence. And every youth who acts the buffoon lowers himself in the opinion of those with whom he desires to stand high. 

Be gentle and quiet in your movements. If you are a young man just commencing a business career, good manners will be indispensable to your success. Appear to feel an interest in your work; let your eyes light up at every command, and let your feet be nimble to perform it. There are boys who look so dull and heavy, and walk so slowly, and appear so lazy, that no business man will employ them. Be energetic, prompt, industrious, and careful. Attend to your business in a quiet polite manner; equally removed from familiarity and haughtiness. 

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness. And if our young friends would only remember what Lear said while hanging over Cordelia's dead body, it would help them to put far from them loud and boisterous manners: "Her voice was ever sweet, Gentle and low, an excellent thing in woman." — From The California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Cultured Society

“So let me get this straight... If I work on my table manners, and I get a knowledge of dining room etiquette and stuff, then I'll get a passport to the most highly cultured society?”

 How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food, because they do not know the proper table customs?

IT was not until many homes became afflicted with frozen gas that I realized what poor table manners exist in the average home. Many families betook themselves and their ill-mannered children to the nearby moderate priced restaurant. In a suburban restaurant, a mother with two children sat near me. 

There was a boy of 8 and a girl of 6. The unsuspecting waiter put down the usual glasses of water and a semi-sliced half loaf. In the grabbing which ensued the unoffending loaf was deluged with water. “Stop that, you two, or I’ll— I’ll...’’ and then catching my eye she apologetically said, “Isn’t this awful? You see, the children never ate away from home before; our gas is frozen and...” — But here her conversation was interrupted for it was necessary for her forcibly to separate both children from the celery. 

And these bad table manners were not limited to children by any means. Mothers and fathers and other home-bound relatives “forced into the open” by frozen gas or burst pipes, convincingly showed that they never had eaten away from home. Yet it is a simple matter to acquire good table manners, and good table manners are ever an asset. 

The earlier these are acquired, the more fortunate the child. I know a physician of prominence whose early training in this respect was neglected, and today his method of gripping his fork as if it were a cudgel, is a constant source of embarrassment to his highly cultured wife. How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food because they do not know the proper table customs?

“She surely is a pretty girl.’’ said a young man to me recently, “but it would take me years to teach her table manners before I could let mother see her eat.” One mother of six young children whom I know, has exceptionally well mannered children. When her gas froze up, neighbors with the daintiest of table appointments were only too glad to have these little guests. In answer to my question, “How did you do it?” she told her secret. 

She said that as soon as each child was able to hold a spoon, he was taught to hold it “properly.” He was taught ‘‘respect” for food. The ethical side of eating was impressed upon him. To toy with food was wrong. She believes in one clean white tablecloth a week. And each child felt it his or her duty to keep this immaculate. The boys were taught consideration for ihe girls. The rest was easy. The children had a solid foundation upon which to build their table conduct. The rest came with practice. 

“Elbows close to the sides when eating.” was mother's gentle but constant suggestion. Only food too soft to be conveyed to the mouth with a fork should be eaten with a spoon. The children were taught how to cut or prepare the food on the plate before conveying it to the mouth. No child’s food was hashed up by the mother and then eaten with a spoon. Tlie children used their own muscular power and the food was chosen with an eye to their abilities and this direction. 

Only pleasant conversation was permitted. And crying, wailing, arguing or cave-man methods of obtaining one-share meant that the child had to leave the table before the meal was concluded. "So much trouble." I hear some one whisper. Well, everything worth while takes time and patience. 

This woman may not have much cold cash to leave these children when she passes on, but she will leave them with good table manners and a knowledge of dining room etiquette which is often a passport to the most highly cultured society. — Loretto C. Lynch in the Los Angeles Herald, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Our Elders

As a rule, your parents and your teachers are your best counsellors. They have traveled the road before you, and have your highest interests at heart. Listen to them.

Duty to Older People

“The mildest manners, and the gentlest heart.” —Pope

1) Show especial deference—not indifference—to your superiors in age, office, and the like. Do this not once, but always. Watch for opportunities.

2) Rise, when an older person who is standing begins to talk to you.

3) If you wish to become a musician, you seek help from the finest musical instructor within reach. Just so in the greater art of living effectively, seek help from those who have learned wisdom. As a rule, your parents and your teachers are your best counsellors. They have traveled the road before you, and have your highest interests at heart. Listen to them. Don't make your life a wild experiment in blundering; it doesn't pay.

4) Never regard age, even advanced age, as a joke. To do so blunts your own sensibilities.— From 1921's “Manners and Conduct in School and Out” by Fanny R. Smith

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Tea Visiters

The domestic that attends the door should be instructed to show the guest up-stairs, as soon as she arrives; conducting her to an unoccupied apartment, where she may take off her bonnet, and arrange her hair, or any part of her dress that may require change or improvement. 

TEA VISITERS (sic)

When you have invited a friend to take tea with you, endeavour to render her visit as agreeable as you can; and try by all means to make her comfortable. See that your lamps are lighted at an early hour, particularly those of the entry and stair-case, those parts of the house always becoming dark as soon as the sun is down; and to persons coming in directly from the light of the open air, they always seem darker than they really are. 

Have the parlours lighted rather earlier than usual, that your guest, on her entrance, may be in no danger of running against the tables, or stumbling over chairs. In rooms heated by a furnace, or by any other invisible fire, it is still more necessary to have the lamps lighted early.

If there is a coal-grate, see that the fire is burning clear and brightly, that the bottom has been well-raked of cinders and ashes, and the hearth swept clean. A dull fire, half-choked with dead cinders, and an ashy hearth, give a slovenly and dreary aspect to the most elegantly furnished parlour. A sufficiently large grate (if the fire is well made up, and plenty of fresh coal put on about six o'clock) will generally require no further replenishing during the evening, unless the weather is unusually cold; and then more fuel should be added at eight or nine o'clock, so as to make the room comfortable.

In summer evenings, let the window-sashes be kept up, or the slats of the venetian blinds turned open, so that your guest may find the atmosphere of the rooms cool and pleasant. There should always be fans (feather or palm-leaf) on the centre-tables.

The domestic that attends the door should be instructed to show the guest up-stairs, as soon as she arrives; conducting her to an unoccupied apartment, where she may take off her bonnet, and arrange her hair, or any part of her dress that may require change or improvement. The lady should then be left to herself. Nothing is polite that can possibly incommode or embarrass —therefore, it is a mistaken civility for the hostess, or some female member of the family to follow the visiter up-stairs, and remain with her all the time she is preparing for her appearance in the parlour. 
                                         

Let both mothers and children understand that, on all occasions, over-officiousness is not politeness, and that nothing troublesome and inconvenient is ever agreeable.

We have seen an inquisitive little girl permitted by her mother to accompany a guest to the dressing-table, and watch her all the while she was at the glass; even following her to the corner in which she changed her shoes; the child talking, and asking questions incessantly. This should not be. Let both mothers and children understand that, on all occasions, over-officiousness is not politeness, and that nothing troublesome and inconvenient is ever agreeable.

The toilet-table should be always furnished with a clean hair-brush, and a nice comb. We recommend those hair-brushes that have a mirror on the back, so as to afford the lady a glimpse of the back of her head and neck. Better still, as an appendage to a dressing-table, is a regular hand-mirror, of sufficient size to allow a really satisfactory view. These hand-mirrors are very convenient, to be used in conjunction with the large dressing-glass. Their cost is but trifling. 

The toilet-pincushion should always have pins in it. A small work-box properly furnished with needles, scissors, thimble, and cotton-spools, ought also to find a place on the dressing-table, in case the visiter may have occasion to repair any accident that may have happened to her dress.

For want of proper attention to such things, in an ill-ordered, though perhaps a very showy establishment, we have known an expected visiter ushered first into a dark entry, then shown into a dark parlour with an ashy hearth, and the fire nearly out: then, after groping her way to a seat, obliged to wait till a small hand-lamp could be procured to light her dimly up a steep, sharp-turning stair-case; and then, by the same lamp, finding on the neglected dressing-table a broken comb, an old brush, and an empty pincushion,—or (quite as probably) nothing at all—not to mention two or three children coming to watch and stare at her. On returning to the parlour, the visiter would probably find the fire just then making up, and the lamp still unlighted, because it had first to be trimmed. 

Meanwhile, the guest commences her visit with an uncomfortable feeling of self-reproach for coming too early; all things denoting that she was not expected so soon. In such houses everybody comes too early. However late, there will be nothing in readiness.

The hostess should be in the parlour, prepared to receive her visiter, and to give her at once a seat in the corner of a sofa, or in a fauteuil, or large comfortable chair; if a rocking-chair, a footstool is an indispensable appendage. 

By-the-bye, the dizzy and ungraceful practice of rocking in a rocking-chair is now discontinued by all genteel people, except when entirely alone. A lady should never be seen to rock in a chair, and the rocking of a gentleman looks silly. Rocking is only fit for a nurse putting a baby to sleep. When children get into a large rocking-chair, they usually rock it over backward, and fall out. These chairs are now seldom seen in a parlour. Handsome, stuffed easy chairs, that are moved on castors, are substituted—and of these, half a dozen of various forms are not considered too many.

Give your visiter a fan to cool herself, if the room is warm, or to shade her eyes from the glare of the fire or the light—for the latter purpose, a broad hand-screen is generally used, but a palm-leaf fan will do for both. In buying these fans, choose those whose handle is the firm natural stem, left remaining on the leaf. They are far better than those with handles of bamboo, which in a short time become loose and rickety.

There are many persons who, professing never to use a fan themselves, seem to think that nobody can by any chance require one; and therefore they selfishly keep nothing of the sort in their rooms.

If, in consequence of dining very late, you are in the custom of also taking tea at a late hour—or making but slight preparations for that repast—waive that custom when you expect a friend whom you know to be in the practice of dining early, and who, perhaps, has walked far enough to feel fatigued, and to acquire an appetite. For her accommodation, order the tea earlier than usual, and let it be what is called "a good tea." If there is ample room at table, do not have the tea carried round,—particularly if you have but one servant to hand the whole. 

It is tedious, inconvenient, and unsatisfactory. There is no comfortable way of eating bread and butter, toast, or buttered cakes, except when seated at table. When handed round, there is always a risk of their greasing the dresses of the ladies—the greasing of fingers is inevitable—though that is of less consequence, now that the absurd practice of eating in gloves is wisely abolished among genteel people.– From The Ladies Guide to True Politeness and Perfect Manners, by Miss Leslie, 1864

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Erasmus of Rotterdam ~ The Father of Children's Etiquette Instructors

The bronze statue of Erasmus, in Rotterdam. Created by Hendrick de Keyser in 1622, it replaced a stone statue from 1557.

A Christian philosopher and educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam, was considered the greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of Renaissance, determined that manners were best if instilled in children at an early age. His book, “On Civility in Children” (c.1530), considered to be the first treatise in Western Europe on the moral and practical education of children, was a bestseller for over three centuries. The following are from his teachings:

1. “Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.” 
2. “To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use the table cloth or the serviette.” 
3. “Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat down. Wolves do that.” 
4. “You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and rubies might have fallen out of your head.” 
5. “If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere.”
6. “Retain the wind by compressing the belly.” 
7. “Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.” 
8. “Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind.”       

This popular etiquette book by Erasmus, ultimately became a standard textbook used in schools.

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920's Kids’ Lunchroom Etiquette

"Girls are usually daintier and more easily taught than boys, but most children will behave badly at table if left to their own devices. Even though they may commit no serious offenses, such as making a mess of their food or themselves, or talking with their mouths full, all children love to crumb bread, flop this way and that in their chairs, knock spoons and forks together, dawdle over their food, feed animals—if any are allowed in the room—or become restless and noisy." Emily Post 1922

School Lunch Room Etiquette for Girls and Boys in 1921

"Cleanness of body was ever deemed to proceed from a due reverence of God." — Bacon

1) See that your hands are clean.

2) Avoid rushing into or through the Lunch Room. Walk.

3) When carrying your food to your table, pay strict attention to getting it to its destination in safety.

4) Eat in the Lunch Room,—not in the corridors, nor in the Assembly Hall, nor on the street. Give four excellent reasons for this direction.

5) Eat slowly and noiselessly; don't "feed." Avoid talking when your mouth is full. Take small mouthfuls, so that you may talk without giving offense. Keep your lips closed when chewing. Never use your knife to carry food to your mouth.

6) In the Lunch Room, as elsewhere, sit with your knees together and with both of your feet on the floor, not on the rounds of your chairs.

7) Don't throw paper and refuse into the receptacles provided; drop it there.

8) Avoid boisterous talking and laughing.

The tones of the voice proclaim quite accurately the social background of the boy, the girl, the man, the woman. Her voice was ever soft, gentle, and low,—an excellent thing in woman.—Shakespeare 

9) Keep elbows and wraps off the Lunch Room tables; furthermore, do not sit on the tables.

10) Leave your place in the Lunch Room tidy and spotless, with your chair pushed up to the table.

11) Rise when an older person enters the room; remain standing until your courtesy is acknowledged, or until the older person is seated. (Optional with the teacher in the schoolroom.)

12) Boys, when a girl or an older person drops a pencil, a book, or anything of the sort, pick it up and return it unobtrusively, but with a little bow.

13) Avoid rushing from the room when the bell rings. Walk.

14) Open the door, boys, but let the girls pass out first, whenever practicable. When many are passing in opposite directions, keep to the right.

15) Never laugh at the accidents or misfortunes of others, even if they have a ridiculous side. Nothing shows ill-breeding so surely. He who laughs at others' woes finds few friends and many foes.

Compiled by contributor Gero-Dynamics©

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early 20th C. Manners for Children

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her.

There are people who think that courtesy is merely a matter of form. The manners of such people are not worth much. Sincere good manners require that a person be helpful and kind at all times, which means that good manners are closely associated with one's daily work. If you would cultivate the better kind of courtesy, there are many opportunities to do so in your own home life.

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her. Show your appreciation of her by drying the dishes in the evening, so that she may get an opportunity to rest. Help your mother when she is tired.

Girls, you can at least make the beds, straighten the living room, and, in the evening, wash the dishes even if you are attending school. On Saturday and Sunday you have your opportunity to learn to cook and clean and to give your mother a little play time. Sometimes your mother wants to be so very kind to you that she tells you you need not help. The next time she does it, remember your manners and fall to work.

Remember your manners and fall to work.

Outsiders judge you largely by the way you treat your mother. Do not impose your work on your little sisters and brothers. Always do more than they do, as you are bigger than they; and help them out when they are tired. You can never expect them to be considerate if you do not set a good example. Work quickly and carefully and quietly. If you put your best efforts into your task, you will find yourself enjoying it.

A thorough piece of work, no matter what it may be, is always a great satisfaction to the doer. Aside from this, you should endeavor to do your work cheerfully, because your mother is very little benefited by your labor if you are cross and disagreeable. Remember too that the skill and ease with which you accomplish the small home tasks are the best possible preparation for the big tasks you will meet later on.

Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother.

Take care of the things you handle while you are working around the house. Do not let the baby's doll be broken, or your sister's book be mislaid. Do not throw into the waste paper basket the composition over which your brother has toiled hard, even though he has left it very untidily on the table. Your good breeding shows nowhere more markedly than in the care you take of the things other people value. Always thank a member of your family for any favor as graciously as you would an outsider, and remember that "Please" is a helpful word anywhere. Don't say "Thanks"; it sounds ungracious. "Many thanks, Mother" or "Thank you, Fred" are much pleasanter expressions of appreciation.

PROBLEMS: WHO WILL SOLVE THEM?

1. Suppose that a child has never formed the habit of greeting his family with a smiling "Good morning!" — how can he learn to do it? What may make it difficult at first? How can he overcome this difficulty?

2. Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother. How can you get into the habit of helping her every day?

3. What do you think of beginning now a manners drive? You must do the planning for slogans, posters, scenes, plays, tags. These all help to arouse interest and to fix facts.

Here are two suggestions for manners slogans. Can you add others?

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. — Emerson.

Family intimacy should never make brothers and sisters forget to be polite to each other. — Silvia Pellico

By the Faculty of South Philadelphia High School for Girls 1922

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

18th and 19th C. Children’s Etiquette

Books containing rules of courtesy and behavior were plentiful among early printed English books. These books conveyed the ideal manners and morals of children in Colonial America.

One of the earliest books, "The School of Manners," had been published in London in 1701. The directions in this book of etiquette were copied from a famous book entitled, "Youth's Behavior, Or Decency in Conversation Amongst Men," a popular 17th century publication.

Originally written in 1577, rewritten in 1908

The "Youth's Behavior" contained many rules and instructions worded from still older books on courtesy, such as "The Babees Book" and "The Boke of Nurture." According to all of these publications, it was certainly natural the children should be affected by the regard for etiquette and the distinctions of social position which they saw all around them. 

In those days all children were considered to be young adults and expected to obey the same rules of etiquette as adults. Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

19th Century Shaker Advice to Children on Table Manners

"Cut your meat both neat and square,
And take of both an equal share.
Also, of bones you'll take your due,
For bones and meat together grew.

Don't pick your teeth, or ears, or nose,
Nor scratch your head, nor tonk your toes;
Nor belch nor sniff, nor jest nor pun,
Nor have the least of play or fun."

In Colonial America, the Puritans were opposed to girls and boys or men and women dancing together.

They were also opposed to May Day celebrations and dances around a maypole. In the southern colonies, however, dancing was regarded as a pleasant social activity. Many dance manuals were published, with diagrammed instructions.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Sewing and embroidery were favorite pastimes in early America. Scrapbooks were another favorite pastime, and both children and adults would spend hours carefully pasting illustrations into albums with flour and water glue. They also made their own cards and pressed flowers.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

In the early days of America, children were ordered never to seat themselves at the table until after the blessing had been asked, and their parents told them to be seated. They were never to ask for anything on the table; never to speak unless spoken to; always to break the bread, not bite into a whole slice; never to take salt except with a clean knife; not to throw bones under the table.
One rule reads, "Hold not thy knife upright, but sloping; lay it down at the right hand of the plate, with the end of the blade on the plate."
Another rule stated, "Look not earnestly at any other person that is eating."
When children had eaten all that had been given them, if they were "moderately satisfied", they were told to leave at once the table and room.
Ask for nothing; tarry till it be offered thee.                                Never sit down at the table till asked, and after the blessing.  
Speak not.  
Bite not thy bread but break it.  
Take salt only with a clean knife.  
Dip not the meat in the same.  
Hold not thy knife upright but sloping, 
and lay it down at right hand of plate with blade on plate.  
Look not earnestly at any other that is eating.  
When moderately satisfied leave the table.  
Sing not, hum not, wriggle not.  
Spit no where in the room but in the corner"

The School of Manners

The School of Manners, 1701 

From "Of Behaviour at the Table"

Come not to the Table unwash’d or not comb’d.

Sit not down till thou art bidden by thy parents or superiors.

Be sure thou never sit till Grace be said, and then in thy due place.

Offer not to carve for thy self, or to take any thing, though it be what thou ever so much desireth.

Ask not for any thing, but tarry till it be offered thee.

Find not fault with any thing that is given thee.

When thou haft meat given thee, be not first to begin to eat.

Feed thy self with thy two Fingers, and the Thumb of the left hand.

Speak not at the Table; if thy superiors be discoursing, meddle not with the matter.

If thou want any thing from the Servants, call to them softly.

Eat not too fast, or greedily.

Eat not too much, but moderately.

Eat not so slow as to make others wait for thee.

Make not a noise with thy tongue, mouth, lips, or breath, either in eating or drinking.

Stare not in the face of any one (especially thy superior) at the Table.

Graese not thy Fingers or Napkin, more than necessity requires.

Dip not thy Meat in the Sawce.

Take not salt with a greazy Knife.

Stuff not thy mouth so as to fill thy Cheeks; be content with smaller Mouthfuls.

Smell not to thy Meat, nor move it to thy Nose; turn it not the other side upward to view it upon the Plate.

Spit not forth any thing that is not convenient to be swallowed, as the Stones of Plums, Cherries or such like; but with thy left hand neatly move them to the side of thy plate or trencher.

Bend thy Body a little downwards to thy plate, when thou moveth any thing that is sauced to thy mouth.

Before and after thou drinkest, wipe thy lips with thy Napkin.

When thanks are to be returned after eating, return to thy place, and stand reverently till it be done, then with a bow withdraw out of the Room, leaving thy superiors to themselves, unless thou be bidden to stay.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Nursery Etiquette

In honor of the new royal baby…

In July of 1929, the Duke and Duchess of York have a “Tea Party” with Princess Elizabeth in the Nursery 

JEAN PAUL RICHTER, in his great work on education (Levana), intimates that we scarcely realize the momentous possibilities that lie all about us folded up in the heart of childhood, as the blushing petals of the beauteous blossom yet to be lie folded close within the sheltering calyx.

"Do you know," he queries, "whether the little boy who plucks flowers at your side may not one day, from his island of Corsica, descend as a war-god into a stormy universe to play with hurricanes for destruction, or to purify and plant the world with harvests?" And just because we do not know the extent of these possibilities, children must be carefully trained to fill whatever post or province may be theirs in the time to come.

Now, they are in our hands to mold as we will; then, they will be the masters, and much of the character of their sway will depend upon the guidance of the present. Viewed in this light, the manners and the morals of children, closely associated as they are, become of the greatest importance to the world.

The younger baby pictured here was called George VI as King 

Power of Example

Teach the embryo man or woman, in the nursery, the traits, the habits, the customs of the best etiquette, and you have stamped upon them, at an age when the character is impressible as wax, not only the outer semblance, but, in a great degree, the inner reality, of a true man or woman.

Let the children grow up in a home where rude gestures, or ill-tempered words are unknown, where truthfulness, kindliness, forgetfulness of self and careful consideration of others, permeates the very atmosphere, and they will go forth into the world armed with the integrity in which all men may trust, the polish that will win them admiration, and the true refinement that will render their friendship elevating.

See, also, that there is perfect unanimity between the parents as to the government and instruction of the children in the household, and, if any difference should arise, it should be settled in private. Children, being strongly imitative, are best taught by example. Never reprove unless absolutely necessary, and never let the voice rise excitedly to ensure obedience. By keeping your own voice low and calm, you do much toward lowering the key of their high-pitched, childish treble, and soothing the troubled waters of their  souls.

Keeping Promises

Never permit yourself to threaten where you do not perform; children are quick to learn the value of your promises, and place very accurate estimates, in their own minds, as to what their parents will, or will not do under given circumstances. Absolute truthfulness can never be taught a child by precept, when by constant example he is taught that the word of his parents has little or no value in his own case, so far as threats and punishments, or even rewards, extend. If a punishment is the penalty for a broken law, see that it is inflicted; if a reward is promised, be sure that it is given.

Enjoin upon children strict justice in their dealings one with another, even in their games, never allowing the stronger to impose upon the weak, but teaching forbearance and tenderness in all their actions.

Talebearing

Discourage, as far as possible, all talebearing in the home, and, as a rule, do not listen to complaints, and long recitals of injuries received from little playfellows. Care in this respect will nip in the bud the tendency toward exaggeration and talebearing that so early develops in a child, and so soon matures into the "gossip" of riper years. This demand for exactitude in childish statements will pave the way for strictly truthful declarations in the more important affairs of later life, redounding thus to the lasting benefit of the individual and the community.

Truthfulness

The least approach toward prevarication, or concealment of their childish misdemeanors, should be treated as a grave fault. To prevent, as far as possible, all attempts at disguising the truth, penalties for faults should rarely be of so severe a nature that the little transgressor resorts to evasion through fear of the consequences.

Respectfulness

Children should be taught to be respectful toward their parents and others older than themselves, to be polite towards those of their own age, and very thoughtful for the comfort of the sick and weak. Respect must also be shown toward servants and dependents, and no unnecessary demands made upon their time or services.

Queen Victoria with Edward VIII 

Obedience

Prompt obedience should always be demanded of a child, and the spirit of murmuring and questioning firmly repressed. None can command except they have first learned to obey.

Do not allow children to tease, nor, having once refused on good and sufficient ground, suffer your consent to be gained by siege. Make your refusal final, but do not refuse thoughtlessly, or for mere caprice. The wishes of a child are as real to him as those of grown people are to them.

Manner of Address

Rudeness and abruptness must never be tolerated in the manners of a child. “Yes,” and “no,” in reply, and “what?” in interrogatory, are uncouth and disagreeable in sound. “Yes, sir,” “Yes, ma'am,” and “What, ma'am,” are much better substituted, but even these are open to criticism. English etiquette relegates “Sir” and “Ma'am” to the use of servants, save in case of addressing the higher nobility when “Sir is sometimes used.

The Nursery

The better and more graceful etiquette of the day would teach a child to say, “Yes, mamma,” “No, papa;” or a student at school to address the teachers as, “Yes, Prof. Stanley,” “No, Miss Livingstone.” If they fail to understand a remark, a quick, “Beg pardon,” or, “I beg your pardon,” or even, “I did not understand,” can soon be taught to even childish lips and never be forgotten as they advance to maturity. The use of “Please,” and “Thank you,” or, “I thank you,” (never the thankless “Thanks,”) should be early impressed upon their minds.

Teach them never to speak of grown people without prefixing “Mr.”, “Mrs.”, or “Miss,” to their name. It is very objectionable for a child to fall into the habit of saying “Brown did so and so,” instead of, “Mr. Brown, etc…” Insist, too, that at school they shall never say “Teacher,” but address their preceptor by his proper name.

Impress upon children that they must answer politely when spoken to, but strictly repress any tendency on their part toward questioning visitors at the house. Here let it be added, for the benefit of their elders, that nothing can be a surer evidence of ill-breeding than for a grown person to question a child in regard to his family affairs.

Queen Elizabeth with Prince Philip, young Charles and Baby Anne 

Interrupting Conversations

Never permit children to interrupt the conversation of their elders, and see, as a preparation for this, that among the little ones themselves, one who has a story to tell is permitted to finish without an impatient brother or sister breaking in with his, or her, version of the same tale. See that each has his turn and many of the noisy disagreements of the playroom will thus be done away with.

Insist, too, upon the lowering of each eager little voice, and a long step will have been taken toward doing away with the high-keyed voices and the all-talking-together habits that afflict so many of their elders.

See, too, that the children, while not allowed to interrupt the conversation of grown persons, receive in some degree the same consideration from them. In other words, let the children talk sometimes, and listen to them sincerely and respectfully. There is no better way to train a child in courtesy than to observe toward it the most scrupulous politeness, and a child whose own conversation is respected can be easily taught to respect the conversation of others, and to know when to talk and when to be silent.

This habit of listening, inculcated in childhood, will do much toward forming agreeable members of society in after years. If a guest should converse with a child for a moment, watch that it does not make itself tiresome by engaging his or her entire attention.

“Showing Off”

Never "show off" children to visitors. It fosters in them a feeling of vanity, and is often very tedious to the persons upon whom it is inflicted, it being barely possible that your own estimate of their brilliancy is not shared by outsiders.

Neither should strangers be allowed, under any circumstances, at home or abroad, to tease a child "just for fun." Its angry answers may be amusing, but the practice is one that works irreparable injury to the child. As soon as this tendency is discovered in a visitor, send the child quietly, but firmly, from the room, remarking casually, when it is gone, "that children are apt to be troublesome when they talk too much."

“Visiting”

Children should not be allowed to "visit" other children solely upon the request of the children. The invitation should come from the parents. Otherwise great annoyance may result from such unconsidered calls.

Do not take children while making formal visits. They are often an annoyance, and always a check upon conversation. If they must be taken, do not allow them to meddle with anything in the room, nor to interrupt the conversation. Neither should they be permitted to handle the belongings, or finger the attire, of callers at the house. Do not take them to art galleries, artist's or sculptor's studios, and never allow them to meddle with goods in stores.

Queen Elizabeth at her Christening 

– From the book “Social Life, by Maud C. Cooke”

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institure of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia