Etiquette for Manor House Servants

Lord, help the Tweeny! The pecking order and “who’s who” of domestic service in the grand, aristocratic houses of the British. Poor manners and classism recommended in “The Laws of Etiquette,” from 1836. No wonder the author wanted to remain anonymous, and simply calls himself “A Gentleman.”:
“When women appear at the door of the coach to obtain admittance, it is a matter of some question to know exactly what conduct it is necessary to pursue. If the women are servants, or persons in a low rank of life, I do not see upon what ground of politeness or decency you are called upon to yield your seat. Etiquette, and the deference due to ladies have, of course, no operation in the case of such persons. Chivalry -- (and the gentleman is the legitimate descendant of the knight of old) — was ever a devotion to rank rather than to sex. Don Quixote, or Sir Piercy Shafestone would not willingly have given place to servant girls. And upon considerations of humanity and regard to weakness, the case is no stronger. Such people have nerves considerably more robust than you have, and are quite as capable of riding backwards, or the top, as yourself.”

Many aristocrats could afford a large team of live-in servants at their country estate, and there was a distinct social hierarchy in the servants’ quarters.

According to Dr. Lucy Delap, director of studies in history at St. Catharine's College, Cambridge, servant status was reinforced at mealtimes.

“There would be a strict order of coming in to eat and strict rules about where different ranks of servants sit, and you might also have rules such as no speaking unless you were addressed by one of the senior servants,” says Delap.

“The senior servants had a great deal of power, so the butler for example in some households would put down his knife and fork, and everyone else had to fit in whether you had finished or not. So servants had to learn to be fast eaters.”

The Butler - in charge of the house, coachmen and footmen. He looked after the family and the wine cellar

The Housekeeper - responsible for the housemaids and carried the keys to the china and linen cupboards

The Ladies Maid - the mistress of the house's personal attendant, helping her to dress and do her hair

The Valet - the master's manservant, attending to his requests and preparing his clothes and shaving tools

The Cook - ran the kitchen and larder, overseeing the kitchen, dairy and scullery maids

The Governess- educated and cared for the children with the head and under nurse

The Hallboy - worked 16-hour days, lighting all the lamps and candles and polishing the staff boots before they woke up

The Tweeny - was the in-between stairs maid, earned £13 a year, worked seven days a week from 5am-10pm and looked after slop duty.

Main article by Lucy Wallis for BBC News, published 21 September 2012

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Foul Hotel Manners Cause Trouble

Holiday Village Red Sea is threatening guests with eviction and a £1,400 fine for pooping in the pool

‘Code Brown’: Hotel threatens £1,400 fines to rowdy Brits caught “pooing” in swimming pools in disgusting new “logging” craze that exposes guests to harmful bacteria

• Disturbing trend responsible for infecting innocent holiday-makers
• Egyptian resort threatens to evict and prosecute party poopers
• Pools at Turkish resort have been repeatedly closed due to floating faeces
• Holiday makers will be hit with £1,400 if caught pooping in the pool

Rowdy teens, students and boozed up Brits are behind a revolting new craze that encourages people to deliberately defecate in hotel pools while on holiday.

Travel experts say the troubling trend, known as ‘logging’, is responsible for thousands of innocent holidaymakers becoming infected with harmful bacteria that causes diarrhoea and sickness and could result in irritable bowel syndrome and even death in extreme cases.

The party poopers are purposely ruining holiday-makers’ getaways without realising or caring about the threat they are posing to fellow guests.

Warning: Letter sent warning guests about the craze from Holiday Village Red Sea

At least one hotel has issued a stern warning to guests after its pools were fouled several times, and reps for tour operators are calling the vile incidents ‘code browns’.

While it is believed teens or young adults are mostly responsible, children as young as 10 are now believed to be taking part.

Travel law expert Nick Harris, of Simpson Millar solicitors, said the ‘worrying’ craze has taken off in the last few years.

He said: ‘We have dealt with hundreds of cases where people have been left seriously ill. Some idiots think it is humorous to deliberately poo in a crowded pool and then sit back and watch the carnage unfold as people try to escape the pool like a panic scene from the film Jaws.’

He said: ‘We have seen cases where people have had to have their bowels removed due to catching serious infections form people going in the pool.’

Harris said the law firm has already received more than 20 claims this season from traveler's who became ill after being in a hotel pool.
                                    

Revolting craze: Experts say 'logging' is exposing innocent holiday-makers to harmful bacteria

Fouling has become such a problem at a resort in Egypt that staff at the Holiday Village Red Sea are now threatening guests with eviction and a £1,400 fine for pooping in the pool.

The resort in Sharm el-Sheikh, on the southern tip of the Sinai Peninsula, circulated a letter vowing to get to the bottom of what it suspects is a deliberate trend.

The letter reads: ‘There have been numerous instances of excrement being found in the pools lately. We understand that accidents can happen, but the frequency of this suggests that it no longer remains accidental.

‘As a consequence all guests are being massively inconvenienced for several hours during pool closure whilst the hotel adds additional chemicals to the pool and backwash.’

The resort is asking guests to be vigilant and report anyone acting suspiciously to staff.

Guests are being told to stay out of the water if they have an upset stomach and put swimming nappies on their babies.

The dangerous bacteria could result in irritable bowel syndrome and even death in extreme cases

Problems have also been reported at Turkish, Greek and Spanish resorts that are popular with Brits.

Pools at Holiday Village Turkey in Sarigerme, Turkey have been closed up to nine times in the last few weeks due to floating faeces. Guests are being warned over loudspeakers.

A spokeswoman for First Choice, the company that runs the Holiday Village resorts, said the incidents are beyond its control.

She said: ‘Once we have been notified of an incident, hotel staff members ensure that all customers leave the pool immediately and then put the pool water through an extensive filtration system.’

Dr Lisa Ackerly, Visiting Professor of Environmental Health at University of Salford and an expert on holiday illnesses, said: ‘It's becoming a really serious problem and I have come across it before when investigating illness in hotels.

'Many hotels now have CCTV to keep an eye on the situation, as it can occur at night when the pool is unguarded.

‘This totally unacceptable and selfish behaviour causes a serious health risk and massive inconvenience and expense to tour operators and other holidaymakers. What pranksters don't realise is that in many countries this could be seen as a criminal act, which could have serious consequences that they hadn't considered.’ – From Mail Online, 2014

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Self-Awareness and Etiquette

Considerate Conduct 
Requires Self-awareness

Considerate conduct implies that we are aware that our behavior has impact on others.  We can put ourselves in another’s shoes and imagine how we would feel if someone were on the other side of us. Questions to ask ourselves: 

• “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” 
• “Is feedback informing me as to whether my intentions seeming to align with impact on others?” 
• “Am I consciously approaching interactions with thoughtfulness and kindness?” 

The practice of considerate conduct, like etiquette-fulness, requires self-awareness to grow.  When we aim for etiquette-fulness, behaving in recognizably respectful and thoughtful ways and mindful that others are on the other side of us, we consistently abide by our good manners and kind ways.

A favorite book on my shelves is Choosing Civility, by P.M. Forni, who was the Cofounder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project.  In the 2002 book he offers “The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct,” which have not outgrown their usefulness.

How We Ought to Treat Each Other with Considerate Conduct

1. Pay Attention – Only after we notice the world, can we begin to care for it.
2. Acknowledge Others – Say hello to everyone. Avoid treating anyone as invisible.
3. Think the Best – Most people are doing the best that they can in the circumstances they’re in.
4. Listen – You have two ears and one mouth so that you listen twice as much as you speak.
5. Be Inclusive – Push past your boundaries; expand your experiences.
6. Speak Kindly – Kind words are never, ever wasted.
7. Don’t Speak Ill – When you speak unkindly about people, it says more about you than others.
8. Accept and Give Praise – Give praise and receive praise; both matter.
9. Respect Even a Subtle “No” – Honor other people’s boundaries.
10. Respect Others’ Opinions – Honor other people’s opinions, especially in the midst of a disagreement.
11. Mind Your Body – Appearing our best should be the goal.
12. Be Agreeable - Look for opportunities to agree. Don’t contradict just to do so.
13. Keep it Down – Noise is pervasive and frustrating.
14. Respect Other People’s Time – Arriving on time is a basic rule of considerate behavior.
15. Respect Other People’s Space – Respect that personal space is important.
16. Apologize Earnestly – Be sincere and repair damaged relationships.
17. Assert Yourself – Learn to say no when you need to say no.
18. Avoid Personal Questions – People are entitled to their privacy.
19. Care for Your Guests – Commit yourself to your guest’s comfort.
20. Be a Considerate Guest – Commit yourself to being a good guest.
21. Think Twice Before Asking for Favors – Try to solve your problems yourself.
22. Refrain from Idle Complaints – Let go of unproductive complaining.
23. Give Constructive Criticism – When disagreeing, stick to the issues and don’t make it personal.
24. Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals – Defend what can’t defend itself.
25. Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame – Own it.

Being etiquette-ful in every social and professional situation, personally or digitally, has as core objectives promoting positive and harmonious relationships.  The commitment to considerate conduct takes us to attentive listening, polite speaking, and the use of courteous language.  We are punctual and reliable and hopeful that the efforts we make will be a small contribution to a better world.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Peacemaking

There are steps which must be taken before Uncle Sam will hang up his musket!

Modes of Peacemaking:

In the Etiquette of Chaining Up the Dogs of War, the Vanquished Pay the Piper

🔹🌟🔹🌟🔹🌟🔹🌟🔹

Steps Which Must Be Taken Before Uncle Sam Will Hang Up His Musket

 

The etiquette of peacemaking is as strict as that of war-making. Pending negotiations for permanent peace, the President may agree to an armistice. Neither side can then take advantage of such a truce by making warlike movements or repairs beneath the other's guns. If a city is under siege, however, it will be permissible for its defenders to repair or build inner defenses out of reach of our artillery. In other words, neither the country at war with us, nor the United States may do anything during an armistice which the other might have prevented it from doing at the exact moment when the truce began to take effect.—Taken from an article in the Mariposa Gazette, 1898

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Flag

When the flag is passing in a parade all persons present should stand at attention and salute. Those in uniform should render the right hand salute; when not in uniform men should remove head dress with the right hand and hold it over the left shoulder, hand being over heart. Women should salute by facing the flag, right hand over heart. When the national anthem (Star Spangled Banner) is played, all present should stand and face toward the music. If the flag is present, a salute to the flag should be given. The flag is the symbol of a living nation, a nation that leads the world in providing comforts and a high standard of living for its citizens. Let’s pay our respects to the flag and display it in the proper manner.– Healdsburg Tribune, 1927

Memorial Day and the Flag

On This Day We Pay Tribute to Veterans of All Wars  

On Memorial Day the American flag is displayed at half-staff from sunrise until noon, and at full-staff from noon until sunset, for the Nation Lives and the flag is the symbol of the Living Nation. –Merced Sun-Star, May 1924

 

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Outrageous Conduct of Boys

Not all cherubic-faced young lads will grow into fine mannered gentlemen… Just ask the little daughters of Mrs. John Jolly!

Sonora has the misfortune of containing many rude boys who stand in need of being hauled over the coals and taught a few beneficial lessons. A few days ago, while the little daughters of Mr. John Jolly, of Gold Springs, were driving in a light wagon at the north end of town, a number of these young hoodlums fell to and stoned them- throwing in rocks that would weigh at least from eight to ten pounds. The lads are known by description, and should a like occurrence take place, will be rewarded as they deserve for their breach of etiquette. – Tuolumne Independent,1874 

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Imperial Court Etiquette Heartburn

Princess Masako Takeda

Public domain image of HIH Princess Takeda Masako, 

6th daughter of Emperor Meiji, 1909

Heartburning in Korean Court Circle’s Etiquette:

Question of Appropriate Decoration for the Three Imperial Brides 

SHANGHAI. Aug. 16.– There was much heartburning recently in Korean Court circles over an unfortunate lapse from the sacred rules of etiquette. It appears from the Japanese newspapers that in offering Grand Cordons to Princes Takeda, Kitashirakawa and Asaka, on the occasion of their nuptials with daughters of the Emperor of Japan, the Korean sovereign failed to send at the same time appropriate decorations for the three Imperial brides. 

This failure in etiquette, having been made clear to the Imperial household, steps were hastily taken to remedy it, and a special envoy received orders to set out at once for Japan carrying three first-class orders. But when it came to obeying this command, the officials discovered that the necessary insignia were not in the possession of the Imperial Household Department, and accordingly a choice had to be made between two alternatives - either to postpone the Embassy until new insignia could be prepared or to have recourse to old ones. The latter plan seemed preferable, and in order to carry it out the desired insignia were taken from three Korean Princesses. 

Two of the ladies, to whom the facts were explained, readily gave their consent, but the third, who received no such explanation, not unnaturally concluded that she had incurred the Imperial displeasure in some signal manner, and her grief was so violent that the whole story came to light, Ultimately the difficulty was solved by suspending the dispatch of the special envoy with the old decorations and entrusting to the Korean Prince Imperial the duty of conveying to the three Japanese Princesses a document announcing the presentation of the orders, the actual delivery of the insignia being postponed. – Special to the San Jose Mercury Press, 1910

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Card Protocol

‘‘There is one unvarying rule for women, married and single. It is never right nor in good form to sign one’s name with the addition of Miss or Mrs. You are Mary Emily Jones, not Mrs. Patrick Fitzgerald Jones, to whomsoever you may be writing. If it is necessary to notify your correspondent of your married style and estate, you may do so and in one of several ways. 

A Woman’s Name: The Etiquette of the Signature and the Name on the Card

As far as the etiquette of the signature is concerned, Harper’s Bazar says: ‘‘There is one unvarying rule for women, married and single. It is never right nor in good form to sign one’s name with the addition of Miss or Mrs. You are Mary Emily Jones, not Mrs. Patrick Fitzgerald Jones, to whomsoever you may be writing. If it is necessary to notify your correspondent of your married style and estate, you may do so and in one of several ways. 

“Please remember that a correspondent should not be left in doubt as to this, much embarrassment being frequently caused by the omission, in letters between strangers, of exact information as to whether the writer is married or single. You may readily indicate all you wish to tell. “You may place Mrs. P. F. before the Mary Emily aforesaid in parentheses. You may write Mrs. Patrick Fitzgerald out fully and plainly in the left hand corner of your sheet below your proper signature, or you may simply inclose your engraved visiting card in your letter, this being on the whole most elegant and also the most convenient method of showing one’s relation to society. 

“The exception must be remarked here that the visiting card is out of place in an exclusively business letter — one which has not even remotely a social bearing. Card etiquette is one of the finest and most delicate tests by which a woman classifies her acquaintances. Its laws are unalterable, its sins of omission or commission among the few that are absolutely unpardonable. Concerning the name on the card an authority tells that the name engraved in script through the center should have the address below it in the right hand corner, the day for receiving in the left corner. This name should never include a husband’s title or profession, but spell out the husband’s name in full, and not be written with the initials alone. 

“A daughter in the first year of her social life has no card, but engraves her name on her mother’s card. After this probationary year the eldest or the only daughter in a family writes only Miss before her family name. The younger daughters write the full name. It has been decided that on a widow’s card the dear name so long borne, so hard to relinquish, may be retained with propriety for social use, though in all practical matters the widow writes her own Christian name instead of that of her husband.”— Los Angeles Herald, 1893

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Rules of White House Etiquette

“Mrs. Monroe refused to permit relatives to appear at social affairs in the President's mansion on account of their failure to come in small clothes and silk stockings. An edict from Mrs. Monroe decreed that no visitor would be permitted to be seated in her presence.”
~ James Monroe served from 1817 to 1825, as the 5th president of the United States 
— Public domain image of James Monroe

Bypaths of History

What rules of White House etiquette, which still prevail to more or less extent, were established by the wives of Presidents James Monroe and John Quincy Adams?

Social customs prevailing at the White House are a result of long precedents. Those customs which prevent the President and his wife from making private calls, while occupying the White House, and which determined the places at the dining table, had their origins back in the times of Presidents James Monroe and John Quincy Adams. Both of these executives had spent years in the courts of Europe and hence were acquainted with the social customs prevailing there. Even the daughters of President Monroe refused to return calls made by the ladies of foreign embassies.

Both the Monroe girls had spent their younger days in the court circles of France. When their father became President, they married into prominent families. The older daughter married a George Hay of Virginia and he was appointed to a judgeship by President John Quincy Adams. When the younger daughter, Maria, married Lawrence Gouverneur, of New York, President Adams appointed him to the postmastership of New York City. While their father was President both girls and their husbands lived in the White House. The sons-in-law acted as private secretaries to President Monroe.

The rigid etiquette which prevailed at the White House under both the above-named chief executives, was severely criticized. Mrs. Monroe refused to permit relatives to appear at social affairs in the President's mansion on account of their failure to come in small clothes and silk stockings. An edict from Mrs. Monroe decreed that no visitor would be permitted to be seated in her presence.

Another cause for criticism of this First Lady was that she wore an ornamental gold comb which resembled a crown. Upon the death of the elder daughter's husband, she moved to Europe and joined the Catholic Church. Pope Gregory XVI sent her a fine bracelet with cameo setting of the head of Christ. 

When she died she was buried in France. After the expiration of the term of Monroe's presidency, he was so heavily involved that most of his property was sold for debt. He died July 4, 1831, at the home of his daughter in New York City.—By Guy S. Allison, San Pedro News Pilot, October 1947

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Mourning Attire Etiquette 1908

Collar and cuffs sets of white crepe. – Worn with mourning attire, they serve to relieve the gloominess of all black. Dull fabrics for whites are required.

Collars and cuffs are worn with mourning and serve to relieve the gloominess of all black. Organdy generally is worn by widows throughout the entire period, and linen and several other materials are worn by other members of the family. These dainty accessories require care and thought to arrange properly. Organdy does not launder satisfactorily and must be discarded after a short time. 

One way of adjusting is to cut foundations from stiff black crinoline the width of the cuff, smaller on the wrist edge. On this the organdy is basted, after being folded to fit it, a single edge one inch deep being turned under to represent a hem. On one side of the cuff sew small white linen buttons, three or four, according to its width, and opposite these cut buttonholes through both crinoline and organdy. If carefully done this will be neat.

The finishing of seams, methods or hemming, setting in of lace, etc… are of unfailing interest to women who like to sew well. In any white work it is exceedingly bad to leave a raw edge. In years gone by many women in making the long seams on underwear would stitch it on the wrong side on the machine, then have a quarter inch edge left which was overcast together in the finest possible manner. The reason for this was that it was supposed to lie so flat, iron more easily, and look better when done. But the French or felled seams, if not clumsily done, make a fine finish and are generally preferred.

When one can take the time and can sew evenly these seams are sometimes done by hand. This almost seems a waste of time, when nearly all of us have so many calls on our time. But if the work is to be hand sewed, the first sewing of either of the seams named is done by taking several running stitches and then a back stitch. In the finish of the felled seam it Is hemmed, and in the French seam it generally is run. To look neat the stitches must be tiny ones and perfectly even. 

A French seam is made by running and back stitching a seam on the right side or stitching it on the machine, trimming it off close, creasing it well. and, turning to the wrong side, a second row of stitch- ing is put in, which covers the first row. The finished seam should not be over an eighth of an inch wide. A felled seam is stitched first on the wrong side, then one edge is trimmed close to the stitching, and the other edge is turned over and hemmed down. It is a nice finish to do this hemming by hand. The finished width should be the same as the other. _San Francisco Call, 1908

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mourning Attire Etiquette in 1908

Mourning clothes of today are much less depressing and easier to wear than formerly. This has direct reference to hats and bonnets. There may be said to be almost a touch of coquetry given to the hats, many are so bewitchingly shaped and trimmed and the short veils are so becomingly draped. One seldom sees the long crêpe vell worn over the face now. Instead a transparent veil has a border of crêpe or dull silk, and the long veil is draped at the back of the hat or toque.

  

Styles in Mourning Garments Show a Tendency Toward a Softening of the Somber Tone

WHILE there are some people who do not approve of dressing in black when some near and dearly beloved relative dies, probably the majority feel differently and feel that they must go into mourning; that it not only shows respect to the one who has died, but that in a measure it is a protection to themselves. Like many another question it is not an easy task to choose a mourning outfit when the purse is light, while if money does not have to be considered the matter is made an easy one.

The first thing that must be considered in choosing materials is quality. Nothing is a much poorer investment in the clothes line than cheap black goods, while black cloths of good quality wear long and satisfactorily. While the first cost of going Into mourning may be considerable, it is the reverse afterward, as the same gown may be worn on almost every occasion, the same suit also doing good duty, and nothing like the variety is needed in hats, gloves, parasols, and the various accessories.

Mourning clothes of today are much less depressing and easier to wear than formerly. This has direct reference to hats and bonnets. There may be said to be almost a touch of coquetry given to the hats, many are so bewitchingly shaped and trimmed and the short veils are so becomingly draped. One seldom sees the long crêpe vell worn over the face now. Instead a transparent veil has a border of crêpe or dull silk, and the long veil is draped at the back of the hat or toque.

The long veils may be of crêpe silk which comes especially for the purpose, or brussels net. There is nothing much richer or handsomer than crêpe, used either for a veil or for trimming, and it is better finish, softer, wears better, and is less expensive than formerly.

Deep mourning is supposed to be worn only six months or a year, and then is lightened decidedly. There are doubtless a great many who pay no attention to these dictates of fashion, but yield instead to their inclination to wear the same depth of mourning for a much longer period. People in deep mourning should wear plain clothes; elaborate trimmings, glossy cloths, and silks are all out of place. – San Francisco Call, 1908

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Bachelor Hospitality

The Edwardian era bachelor – “… the most independent of creatures.”

THE day is past when the bachelor is supposed to have no home, no mode of entertaining his friends, no lares and penates, and no "ain fireside." He is now an independent householder, keeping house if he choose to do so, with a corps of efficient servants, presided over by a competent house-keeper, or, in a simpler manner having a small apartment of his own, attended by a man-servant or maid, if he takes his meals in his apartment. Oftener, however, he prefers to dispense with housekeeping cares and live in a tiny apartment of two or three rooms, going out to a restaurant for his meals. He is then the most independent of creatures. 

If he can afford to have a man to take care of his rooms and his clothes, well and good. If not, he pays a woman to come in regularly to clean his apartment, and she takes charge of his bed-making and dusting or, if he be very deft, systematic and industrious, he does this kind of thing himself. In any of the cases just cited he is at liberty to entertain. 

He may have an afternoon tea, or a reception, or an after-theater chafing-dish supper. Unless he has his own suite of dining-room, kitchen and butler’s pantry, he cannot serve a regular meal in his rooms. But there are many informal, Bohemian affairs to which he can invite his friends. For the after-theater supper, for instance, he may engage a man to assist him and to have everything in readiness when the host and his party arrive at the apartment. The host, himself, will prepare the chafing-dish dainty, and with this may be passed articles supplied by a near-by caterer, such as sandwiches, ices and cakes. He may make his own coffee in a Vienna coffee-pot. The whole proceeding is delightful, informal and Bohemian in the best sense of the word.

A sine qua non to all bachelor entertaining is a chaperon. The married woman cannot be dispensed with on such occasions. The host may be gray-headed and old enough to be a grandfather many times over, but, as an unmarried man, he must have a chaperon for his women guests. If he object to this, he must reconcile himself to entertaining only those of his own sex. The age of this essential appendage to the social party makes no difference, so long as the prefix "Mrs." is attached to her name. She may be a bride of only a few weeks' standing, but the fact that she is married is the essential.

The host, then, first of all, engages his chaperon, asking her as a favor to assist him in his hospitable efforts. She should accept graciously, but the man will show by his manner that he is honored by her undertaking this office for him. She must be promptly at his rooms at the hour mentioned, as it would be the height of impropriety for one of the young women to arrive there before the matron. If she prefer she may accompany a bevy of the girls invited. 

To her the host defers, from her he asks advice, and to her he pays special deference. If there is tea to be poured, as at an afternoon function, it is she who is asked to do it, and she may, with a pretty air of assuming responsibility, manage affairs somewhat as if in her own home, still remembering that she is a guest. In this matter, tact and a knowledge of the ways of the world play a large part. The chaperon is bound to remain until the last girl takes her departure, after which it is quite en règle for the host to offer his escort, unless she accompanies the last guest, or a carriage be awaiting her. The host thanks her cordially for her kind offices, and she in turn expresses herself as honored by the compliment he has paid her.— Marion Harland’s Complete Etiquette, 1905

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Housekeeper’s Week

“In removing dishes the waitress should never pile one upon another and should not attempt to take more than two plates at a time. Perhaps it is unnecessary in this day and age to say that the silver should be placed in the center of the plate, the knife, fork and spoon side by side and not at varying and dangerous angles.” – From Marion Harland’s, “The Housekeeper’s Week” on the Laying of the Table

 At the turn of the 19th to 20th century, numerous magazines for housekeeper’s and for housewives were available to help guide the etiquette for how household’s could be run more efficiently. Both the Ladies’ Home Journal and The Housekeeper were two such popular publications.

“The Housekeeper's Week”

By Marion Harland, author of “Complete Cook Book.” “Complete Etiquette,” etc… Published by the Bobbs-Merrill company, Indianapolis. Price $1.50.

This is essentially an encyclopedia of household information. As the author's "Complete Cook Book" is an exhaustive manual for the kitchen, so this new volume covers the whole supplementary range of house keeping. It contains directions on a thousand and one matters of interest and importance to the housewife, compactly set forth, readily found, reasonable, moderate, scientific and satisfying.

The arrangement is one of the book’s best features. The plan of naming the chapters for the days of the week and giving instruction in each for the kind of work sacredly set aside by the housekeeper's unwritten law for that particular day is not only clever, but practical as well.

Thus in the six chapters devoted to Monday and Tuesday every phase of washing and ironing receives attention. Wednesday is devoted to baking, with recipes for making old fashioned yeast and instruction on mixing and the use of the oven. The Thursday section is devoted to methods of removing dirt from clothing, carpets and furniture, with an exhaustive discussion of dry cleaning. 

Under “Friday” is treated the extermination of household pests, and Saturday is devoted to the care of furniture and household utensils. That subject takes three long chapters, and no thinkable detail is omitted. Sunday, with the subhead “Works of Necessity and Mercy,” embraces information on domestic materia medica, home surgery,

The book is a fitting and valuable crown to Marion Harland's long life devoted to labor in behalf of the home. – San Francisco Call, 1908

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Etiquette and the Deaf

It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly.– Image source, Candace Smith Etiquette

 

Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them. –From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of Today"

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1830’s Women and Carving at Table

“A lady who has to preside at table should make herself acquainted with those parts of each dish that are esteemed prime, and, as far as possible, divide a portion to each of her guests.” – The Housekeeper’s Guide, 1838

This is rather a laborious office to devolve upon a female, and every thing should be done that fore-thought can dictate to render it easy.

• A seat rather higher than ordinary, that she may command the table: 

• the dish placed as near the front as will admit of her own plate: 

• the joints of loins, necks, etc… properly divided by the butcher: 

• a knife well sharpened, and of shape and sizes suitable to the purpose required. For a large fleshy joint a long blade, for smaller joints a shorter knife, but strong; 

• for ham or bacon a middling sized knife, pointed and and worn thin at the edge, answers best; 

• and for game or poultry a strong, short knife, sharp pointed, and a little curved. A guard-fork is desirable, especially for large joints. The dish large enough to admit of moving the contents without splashing the gravy. 

A lady who has to preside at table should make herself acquainted with those parts of each dish that are esteemed prime, and, as far as possible, divide a portion to each of her guests. It sometimes happens that a part not esteemed prime is preferred, which enables the carver the better to supply her other guests.—From “The Housekeeper's Guide: Or, A Plain & Practical System of Domestic Cookery,” by Esther Copley, 1838

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1830’s Tables and Arrangements

“… the prudent housekeeper will endeavour to secure variety and avoid extravagance, taking care not to have two dishes nearly alike (such as fowls and veal, or ducks and pork); and also avoiding, when several sorts are required, to have such as are quickly perishable, or will not bear rewarming or eating cold.” – The Housekeeper’s Guide, 1838

In providing for a family or for company the prudent housekeeper will endeavour to secure variety and avoid extravagance, taking care not to have two dishes nearly alike (such as fowls and veal, or ducks and pork); and also avoiding, when several sorts are required, to have such as are quickly perishable, or will not bear rewarming or eating cold. It is surprising how much waste is occasioned if these principles are overlooked in providing for a party.

When a large table is to be set out, and present at once a tasty appearance, it is usual to place nearly the whole provision at once; but if comfort is the object, it is much better to have each dish, and its accompanying sauces and vegetables sent up hot and hot.

For plain family dinners, soup or pudding is placed at the head of the table, and meat at the lower end: vegetables straight on each side of the middle, and sauce boats in the middle. Boiled meat at top; roast meat at bottom; soup in the middle. Then the vegetables and sauce boats at cross corners of the middle dish. 

Poultry or veal at top; ham or bacon in the middle, roast beef or mutton at bottom; boiled poultry at top; roast poultry or game at bottom. Vegetables and sauces so disposed as that the whole table shall present a covered appearance without being crowded.

Where there are several courses, the first consists of soups, stews, boiled fish, fricassees; poultry with ham, bacon, tongue or chine; and roast or boiled meats.

For second courses, birds and game of all sorts; fish fried, pickled, or potted; pigeon pies, patties, brawn, omelets, oysters stewed or scalloped, and lobsters or crabs.

Tarts, cheese-cakes, and sweet dishes of all kinds are sometimes placed with the second course, but more frequently form a separate course by themselves.

Cheese is sometimes accompanied on the table by things of a high relish, such as Dutch pickled herring, dried or potted salmon, anchovies, etc.. and generally by salad, cucumbers, and radishes.

The dessert is usually served in another room, which is a great accommodation both to the servants who can prepare it at leisure, and to the guests in quitting the smell of a hot dinner. 

A d'oyley, a finger glass, two wine glasses, china dessert plate, and silver knife, fork, and spoon, to each person. Every variety of fruit, fresh or preserved, is admissible, also biscuits and pound cake, with an epergne or stand of jellies in the middle. Varieties of wine are generally placed at each end.

The modern practice of dining late has given importance to the luncheon, and almost annihilated the supper meal. The following are suitable for either: soups, sandwiches of ham, tongue, dried sausage, or beef; anchovy toast or rusks; potted beef, lobster, or cheese; dried salmon, lobsters, cray fish, or oysters; poached eggs; patties; pigeon pies; sausages; toast with marrow (served on a water plate); mashed or scalloped potatoes; asparagus, brocoli, or sea-kale with toast; creams, jellies, puffs, cheese-cakes, preserved or dried fruits, salads, radishes, etc..., etc…

When a more substantial supper is desired it generally consists of either game, poultry, or fish: slices of cold meat; pies of pigeons, chicken, or game; rations or toasted cheese; lamb or mutton chops; cold poultry broiled with high seasoning, or fricasséed.—From “The Housekeeper's Guide: Or, A Plain & Practical System of Domestic Cookery,” by Esther Copley, 1838

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Etiquette for Getting Around Mumbai

“I have been in rickshaws where the driver is talking and even video calling family members, watching IPL cricket or YouTubing random videos, even warning a driver who was cooing over his baby daughter not to crash into the back of a stationary truck. This is alarmingly quite normal. Most of these rides will have a little shrine above the driver's head indicating the driver’s religion. That helpful information may come in handy if he fails to pay attention to the vehicles or people in front or to the side of you.”

Bustling Busy Streets:

Etiquette for Traveling Mumbai by Bus, Rickshaw or Foot

Getting on to a Mumbai bus and getting off of one, is a skill, and you will need to prepare yourself for it, before attempting this tricky maneuver. You are probably chuckling to yourself and wondering, “Why? It’s just getting on or off of a bus.” Well, in Mumbai the bus experience for the novice is quite jarring. You may never recover from the experience! I jest, of course, but to be as clear as possible, bus stops in Mumbai are not marked! Familiarize yourself with Google Maps, as it is excellent for seeing them. 

The roads in Mumbai are constantly under maintenance, and the pole that tells you to alight a bus has somehow disappeared. Once you find your bus stop, it is time to check when the bus arrives. I use India’s bus app called Chalo. It is a live bus tracking app, as buses do not and never conform to timetables. The allotted bus numbers may be written in Hindi or English, so do your numerical homework. Once you see your bus in the distance, have at least 20 rupees ready in your pocket, and be sure to have your hands free! Why? Once the bus stops, you have less than 30 seconds to get on. Be sure to hold the side or middle rails. Warning: you will be pushed by people behind and, in my case, one day, body slammed right into the bus.

Once you have successfully gotten onto the bus, congratulations are in order. Take less than a fraction of a second to mentally pat yourself on the back, then you will need to let the conductor know, who will also be squashed between a sea of people, where your final destination will be. 

Researching this beforehand will be vital, as you do not want to hold up the conductor's time and your getting yourself to the other end of the bus is essential. You will want to identify a landmark, such as a metro or regular station name, a mall, or famous main arterial road. Once he hands you a printed docket, don’t throw it away, as there could be a second inspector waiting to see if you purchase a ticket as you get off. 

There will be a section on the bus for women and one for men. The section for women is generally on the right side and men on the left. If you are standing and it is peak time, two rows of people will be crammed like sardines in a King Oscar tin in the passageway. Once you have found your place, hold on for dear life. I am convinced that the bus drivers in Mumbai are selected based primarily for their tactical and aggressive driving skills!

Next, shake off that whiplash and prepare to alight the opposite way you came in. You must have all your senses about you as you get off the bus. Before your stop, get ready and line up at the door next to the driver. He will come to a rolling stop; you will see individuals jumping off whilst he slowly puts his foot down on the break. 

Bus drivers in Mumbai don’t wish to come to a full stop because all of the buses are manual, over 50 years old and they need to grind through those gears to get back to normal speed.  Once you have gotten off the bus, look to your left and then right to make it over the pavement, which, of course, is not there. Motorcycles and rickshaws will be busy getting around the bus to get in front quickly. Scooters and cycles will be beeping and screaming for you to get out of the way with no concern for life.

Here is what you need to watch out for when walking the streets of Mumbai: wet concrete, potholes, electrical wires, unfinished and uneven walkways, exposed rebar, animal excretions, people sleeping, those living on the street, rickshaws and motorcycles going the wrong way to avoid traffic jams, and the street vendors with fruits, vegetables or fish sellers crowding the footpaths. 

I would attest that rickshaws are a fantastic mode of transport and cheap when the bus doesn’t turn up or the train doesn’t service a particular area. To hail a rickshaw, just put your hand out; you will have a rickshaw roll up within a minute. Again, you will tell them what your destination is by using landmarks. If the rickshaw driver agrees, he will nod, which indicates to you to get in, and then he will turn around to push the leaver to start the meter at 23 rupees. 

Now I have been in rickshaws where the driver is talking and even video calling family members, watching IPL cricket or YouTubing random videos, even warning a driver who was cooing over his baby daughter not to crash into the back of a stationary truck. This is alarmingly quite normal. Most of these rides will have a little shrine above the driver's head indicating the driver’s religion. That helpful information may come in handy if he fails to pay attention to the vehicles or people in front or to the side of you. 

The driver depends on you letting him know where you need to alight. He will generally know where to stop if it is a station or a mall. If it is, for example an apartment block, kindly let him know when to go to the side and break for you. This can be hazardous to your health. Those working in dangerous jobs such as mining or deep sea cable repair get paid extra because their job is risky. Your danger money comes in the form of travel insurance. You may be wondering why I recommend travel insurance. It is because getting around in Mumbai, especially walking around, is definitely hazardous to one’s health! 

Here is what you need to watch out for when walking the streets of Mumbai: wet concrete, potholes, electrical wires, unfinished and uneven walkways, exposed rebar, animal excretions, people sleeping, those living on the street, rickshaws and motorcycles going the wrong way to avoid traffic jams, and the street vendors with fruits, vegetables or fish sellers crowding the footpaths. 

While you will find that people will blithely go in front of you without a care in the world, children walking home from school will walk in a line, making no room for those coming the other way. In saying this, due to the incomplete footpath, I have myself, even with precautions taken, tripped more than a few times. But Indians by nature are very kind and will help you without making you feel embarrassed, it’s just the way the busy business of getting on with life is here.— By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette& Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia