Etiquette and “Dinner Giving”

An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another.

DINNER giving is perhaps the most important of all social observances, therefore dinner parties rank first amongst all entertainments. Dinner giving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon the principle of an equivalent, that those who do not give dinners hardly come within the category of diners out. This rule, however, is open to many exceptions in favour of privileged individuals, popular and prominent members of society whose presence at dinner parties is appreciated and welcomed in most circles. Dinner parties are of more frequent occurrence, and are of more social significance than any other form of entertainment.

Dinner Invitations:

An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another. It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities. The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess a certain amount of wealth, and wealth and wit do not always go hand in hand. Oftener than not, the former rather overweights the latter; hence, the introduction of a lighter element in the form of amusing people whose métier in life it is to be amusing and to appear amused.

Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position occupied in society by the dinner giver, but it is also a direct road to obtaining a recognised place in society. A means of enlarging a limited acquaintance and a reputation for giving good dinners is in itself a passport to fashionable society. Dinner giving in the fullest sense of the word, is a science not easily acquired, so much depending on the talent which the host or hostess may possess for organizing dinner-parties. When a large dinner-party is contemplated, it is usual to give three weeks' notice, but of late this notice has been extended to four, five, and even six weeks.

Diners out are rather inclined to rebel against this innovation, considering that an invitation bearing the date of a month hence pledges them to remain in town, and as it were controls their movements, for the acceptance of an invitation is in the eyes of diners out a binding obligation; only ill-health, family bereavement, or some all-important reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded. Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at the last moment are not often retained on the dinner-list of a host or hostess.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” by a member of the Aristocracy, 23rd Edition

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Stuffing One’s Mouth When Dining

Only the cute cheeks of chipmunks, squirrels, hamsters and such are allowed to be stuffed! — Etiquipedia is no “Dear Abby,” but after having taught etiquette since 1990, I can confidently say that this mother missed a great teaching opportunity in this instance. It’s never allowable to comment on someone’s poor manners in their home unless you’ve been asked for a critique by the ‘cheek stuffers’ themselves. Based on the ages of her parents in 1982, I’d guess they grew up during the Great Depression, when food and money were in scare supply for many. It’s possible their rushed and stuffed mouths were the result of those days. With a little understanding, a history lesson, and a dose of good manners on her part, Heavyhearted could have taught her children the fine art of ignoring the poor manners of her parents while a guest in their home and offering up their behavior as great examples of “what not to do” at the dining table, before their arrival, and again, after their departure. 

Full Mouth Causes Table Tantrum

DEAR ABBY; My parents are loving, kindhearted people in their 60s, but they have the worst table manners I have ever seen. Other family members have hinted to them over the years with no success. Now we either exclude them from dinner or surround them with people who know what to expect. 

My husband and I and our two small children drive 300 miles a couple of times a year to visit them. We were there for Thanksgiving dinner, and my father once again filled his mouth so full his cheeks were bulging, then he started to talk. Abby, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, so I asked him to please not talk with food in his mouth. He got so angry he refused to speak to me the rest of the visit. 

When we left there was a lot of tension. It spoiled the whole trip for me. I feel so bad. I wasn’t mean or disrespectful. Abby, I just told him not to talk with his mouth full. Was I wrong to say anything? Should adult children never correct their parents no matter what? We try to teach our youngsters proper table manners, and parents like mine really make it rough. —Heavyhearted 

DEAR HEAVY: Some parents accept criticism gracefully, and some do not. Unfortunately yours do not, so if you want to keep the peace, grit your teeth and hold your tongue. — From Dear Abby, in The Desert Sun, 1982

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Your Health”

 

When the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of ducal contempt. 
–Public domain image of the Lord Advocate, Charles Hope

Without “Your Health”

To take a glass of wine during dinner without previously dedicating it to the health of someone, was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of, and anyone so offending would have been thought either eccentric or exclusive. 

In 1803, when the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of ducal contempt.–From the French, “History of Toasting”. – The New York Times, August, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia