Etiquette and Deference to Others

At the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small. Lynn Truss compiled a list of those due.

It is very bad news for our society that overt disrespect is such a big game these days, because it just stirs people up without enlightening them. Mass entertainment that demeans public figures satisfies popular base instincts but leaves nobody better off. Besides, at the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down.

The “end of deference” is about a lot more than the flattening of class distinctions, in any case. This where the baby has been so thoughtlessly poured down the drain with the bath water. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small.

Here are twenty (mostly lapsed) reasons to show special politeness to other people that have nothing to do with class.

1. they are older

2. they know more than you do

3. they know less than you do

4. they got here first

5. they have educational qualifications in the subject under discussion

6. you are in their house

7. they once helped you financially

8. they have been good to you all your life

9. they are less fortunate than you

10. they have achieved status in the wider world

11. you are serving them in a shop

12. they are in the right

13. they are your boss

14. they work for you

15. they are a policeman / teacher / doctor / judge

16. they are in need

17. they are doing you a favour

18. they paid for the tickets

19. you phoned them, not the other way round

20. they have a menial job

The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things, as we have already seen, but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way “deference” has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative "respect" has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds. 

The dictionary definition of “in deference to” is: “out of respect for; in consideration of”. To show deference does not mean “I hereby declare I am inferior to you.” But that's what people seem to think it means, so they refuse to defer to anybody, on any grounds at all. The same misunderstanding prevents people from apologising. They think that if they say “Sorry”, it means “I am 100 per cent to blame. And now that I've admitted it, you can sue the pants off me.”

From Lynn Truss’ “Talk to the Hand: # ?*!, The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Porcupine

"Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice." Meeting someone half-way helps make society cohere.

"Politeness is a signal of readiness to meet someone half-way; the question of whether politeness makes society cohere, or keeps other people safely at arms length, is actually a false opposition. Politeness does both, and that is why it's so frightening to contemplate losing it. Suddenly, the world seems both alien and threatening and all because someone's mother never taught him to say, 'Excuse me' or 'Please.' 

There is an old German fable about porcupines who need to huddle together for warmth, but are in danger of hurting each other with their spines. When they find the optimum distance to share each other's warmth without putting each other's eyes out, their state of contrived cooperation is called good manners. Well, those old German fabulists certainly knew a thing or two. 

When you acknowledge other people politely, the signal goes out, 'I'm here. You're there. I'm staying here. You're staying there. Aren't we both glad we sorted that out?' When people don't acknowledge each other politely, the lesson from the porcupine fable is unmistakeable. 'Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice.'" –From Lynne Truss', 2005's Talk to the Hand

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette's 21st Century Evolution

“An early need for friendliness: In a world peopled with strange creatures of fancy and haunted by terrifying beasts, primitive man soon found a certain comfort in association with his own kind. The lone huntsman: became a clansman, and in the clan were formulated the first laws of primitive society.” - Lillian Eichler

By the 21st Century, we see that the vulgar, face a rude awakening...

The hand gets thrown up in front of the face, palm flicked outwards in a display of defiant aggression. It's a sign most of us are familiar with these days, thanks to American "talk" shows. Indeed you don't even need to hear the words - "talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening ..." - to know just what is meant, and to know how rude it is. The baying audiences may whoop with joy, but in real life it's no laughing matter - especially if it comes from one of your children.

“Talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening ...”

Neither are the sight of women singing with their mouths full of KFC - the most complained about TV ad this year - or those moments when you're standing in a checkout queue waiting to be served but the cashier can't get on with her job because the person in front is chatting on a mobile while trying to pay for a fiver's worth of goods with a credit card.

And spare us from sharing the bedtime secrets of those people who wait until they're on a crowded train or bus to start up mobile phone conversations about their sex lives.

Sing with my mouth full of KFC? I dare say, you would not find me doing such a thing!

These may all sound like the moans of the middle-aged, yet it does seem that a desire to have a more well-mannered society is beginning to take root.  Those who complained about the KFC ad were mostly young parents trying to teach their children table manners. Tony Blair talks of reintroducing "respect" to the populace, and a host of books are hitting the shops exploring the minefield of modern manners and setting out new standards.

From Blaikie's Guide to Modern Manners, Lynne Truss's Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of Everyday Life, Simon Fanshawe's The Done Thing: Negotiating The Minefield of Modern Manners, and Manners from Heaven: The Easier Way To Better Behaviour For All The Family, it seems that authors are tapping into the impoliteness zeitgeist in the hope of sparking change.

So are we all ill-mannered louts or is it just the pace of life and technology which is to blame for a lack of airs and graces? Psychologist Cynthia McVey believes a loss of manners is, in some cases, more about changes in society than deliberate rudeness.

Fewer men ask a woman's father for her hand in marriage.

"Some of the traditional things which would have been considered good manners have gone. Gender stereotypes have changed. Perhaps the biggest change is that couples live together instead of getting married, so a man won't ask a woman's father for her hand in marriage, which suggested the father had power over his daughter.

"Men also used to walk on the road side of the pavement to protect women from splashes, and open doors for them. Now women have gained independence and equality. Some women are offended now if a man opens a door for them, which I think is ridiculous. "The class difference has also been eliminated so you don't get anyone doffing their cap at the master now. Automatic respect for our 'betters' has also gone."

She does say, though, that children's manners, especially table manners, have been affected by changes where now it is more common for youngsters to eat TV dinners than to sit around the table with their parents. "They are also exposed to different cultural practices, for example, people eating with their fingers or using chopsticks, which changes their perception of what is acceptable behaviour," she says. "But I think parents still try to teach their kids about the importance of please and thank-you."
  

"Why learn how to set a table, for example, when you never sit at one?" Sean Davoren.  

Author and head butler at London's Lanesborough Hotel, Sean Davoren, says that after three years of listening to children talking about their lives in etiquette workshops which he ran before writing his guide, he began to understand why their manners were so bad.

"Quite simply, they had never been taught them," he says. "In some instances, their lives don't require them. Why learn how to set a table, for example, when you never sit at one? Why say thank-you to a waiter if your parents never bother to? Why learn to eat with your mouth shut if the only thing looking at you is the TV?"

Thomas Blaikie, like McVey, believes it's a more a flexible approach to life which has brought about politeness pitfalls. He says: "Until recently, social conduct (as it was known) was illogical but at least there were rules: stand up when a lady enters the room; leave your knife and fork at six o'clock/four o'clock/nine o'clock, with the prongs of the fork turned down. Scarcely a trace remains of this labyrinthine world of manners. But the age of e-mails and metrosexuality has thrown up a new set of social dilemmas and our free-and-easy ways have left us in a vacuum of uncertainty and embarrassment."

In his book, Blaikie explains some of the problems and sets out some new rules. Of mobile phones in public, he says: "On buses, on trains, in shops, everywhere, mobile phones are a nuisance, aren't they? It isn't just the ring tones - why are all of them silly? - it's the sword clash of different conversations conducted at full volume: while one person is blaring away about last night's sex, another is having a huge set-to with their insurance company about a minor car accident, and a third is nit-picking their way through the discounts on offer from Thomas Cook."

The solutions, he says, are easy: "You don't need to shout. When phones were first invented, people thought they had to shout into them, since the people they were talking to were far away. But, after almost 130 years, we ought to know better."

He adds: "It really is impolite to be on the phone while paying for things in shops. Make your call quietly in a corner, then pay. If the phone rings while you are paying, ignore it. You are dealing with the person on the till."

Blaikie also has this advice on the increasing practice of erecting shrines to victims of accidents and crimes. "If you are laying flowers in a public place, remove the plastic wrapping. Return to take away the dead flowers. Permanent shrines are hard on the living, especially if beside roads or near houses. After six months they should be removed."

"People used to greet each other on the street primarily to reassure each other that there was no threat," he says. "People don't do that now here. But in Texas, where everyone carries guns, you'll find that they are all incredibly polite to one another." Edinburgh psychologist Ben Williams, who believes manners are about self-preservation. 

According to author Simon Fanshawe, though, "manners are not necessarily worse than they were, just different". "We have achieved a vast amount of personal freedom since the Second World War," he says. "But in the process, we have become selfish. And too often we have kept quiet about what constitutes good social behaviour, for fear of appearing judgmental. Which of us will challenge the litterbug, the 4x4 driver hogging the road, the commuter screeching into their mobile phone?

"We may have thrown over the old authorities but it seems we do want a new social authority that allows us to live at ease with one other. Manners provide one way of doing that. They are the discipline of an easy life."

Whatever the reason for the poor state of modern manners, Matthew Perren, store manager at Ottakar's bookshop in George Street, says there's a great demand for books on the subject. "I think a generation missed out on being taught about these things. People have got to a stage now where they realise that they don't know what the etiquette is in this or that situation and they want to know."

The final word on good manners goes to Edinburgh psychologist Ben Williams, who believes they are about self-preservation. "People used to greet each other on the street primarily to reassure each other that there was no threat," he says. "People don't do that now here. But in Texas, where everyone carries guns, you'll find that they are all incredibly polite to one another."

Main article from The Scotsman, 2005



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Understanding Etiquette's History

A few thoughts on etiquette from various authors ...

“Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice.”

“Politeness is a signal of readiness to meet someone half-way; the question of whether politeness makes society cohere, or keeps other people safely at arms length, is actually a false opposition. Politeness does both, and that is why it's so frightening to contemplate losing it. Suddenly, the world seems both alien and threatening and all because someone’s mother never taught him to say, ‘Excuse me’ or ‘Please.’ There is an old German fable about porcupines who need to huddle together for warmth, but are in danger of hurting each other with their spines. When they find the optimum distance to share each other's warmth without putting each other’s eyes out, their state of contrived cooperation is called good manners. Well, those old German fableists certainly knew a thing or two. When you acknowledge other people politely, the signal goes out, 'I'm here. You're there. I'm staying here. You’re staying there. Aren’t we both glad we sorted that out?’ When people don't acknowledge each other politely, the lesson from the porcupine fable is unmistakeable. ‘Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice.’” From Lynne Truss’, 2005’s “Talk to the Hand”

Distancing of oneself from others was its consummate expression?

“To enact their existence, to demonstrate their prestige, to distance themselves from lower-ranking people and have this distance recognized by the higher-ranking – all this was purpose enough in itself. But in etiquette this distancing of oneself from others as an end in itself  finds its consummate expression.” From Norbert Elias, 1983 “The Court Society”

Etiquette in these cases is merely current usage -- doing things in a way that is generally accepted today.

“What is Etiquette? It is often and glibly said that etiquette is merely a matter of innate consideration and kindness. This is, to my mind, a misleading oversimplification. One part of etiquette – manners – could certainly be so defined.

“Manners, however, are just one part of etiquette. Etiquette is also form – the specific and rigid form established by tradition for answering a wedding invitation, for instance, for introducing a church official, or for having your name engraved on a visiting card. These are all matters of form, and your innate consideration and kindness won't give you the answer to a single one of your questions about them.

“Nor are manners and form all there is to etiquette. As you will see, a great deal of the information in this book does not come under the heading of either form or manners. How to act in a business office, how to serve a buffet meal, and how to get along with your baby sitter are not determined by manners alone, and have certainly not solidified into rigid manners of form. Etiquette in these cases is merely current usage – doing things in a way that is generally accepted today.

“This book, therefore, covers etiquette in its most complete sense – in the sense of manners (our relations with other people), of form (our respect for convention), and of usage (our knowledge of how things are done today).  I hope that this book, either as a reference book for answering a specific question, or as a description of social customs of contemporary Americans, will help you fit comfortably, smoothly, and with confidence into any group of people you will find yourself among, in any part of America.” – From Frances Benton's 1956, “Etiquette - The Complete Modern Guide for Day-to-Day Living the Correct Way”

A knight receiving accolades for his success ~ “The original etiquette manuals of Western civilization were in fact success manuals.” 

“‘It is impossible to overlook the extent to which civilization is built upon a renunciation of instinct,’ Sigmund Freud said.

“There’s always a tension between how much we should follow our instincts and how much we should yield to social conventions. But at times like ours, the tendency is to tilt too far toward our instincts, since the conventions are changing fast and there’s no consensus about them anyway. There’s a risk in that. You don’t know whom you might be offending or how you might be sabotaging your own success.

“The original etiquette manuals of Western civilization were in fact success manuals. As author Steven Pinker notes, they taught knights and nobles how to conduct themselves in the court of the king—which is where we get the concepts of ‘courtly’ and ‘courtesy.’” Rob Asghar, 2014, Forbes.com Contributor

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia