Polite Conversational Skills

Etiquipedia guesses there are other plagues much worse, but a brainless babbler can make one feel terribly sick. — “The worst plague of society is the inexhaustible verbosity of the brainless babbler, who talks without thought. Anybody can argue, only a few can converse. The use of the voice and manner of  speech in conversation are of first importance, as they are the truest indication of education and refinement, and betray the absence of this quality with painful directness.”

A good talker in a company can produce a variety of conversation without confusion; lead the minds of the company to evolve new ideas, and bring out the best in his or her neighbor without catechizing or contradicting. The great attraction in conversation is sincerity; a sincere word was never utterly lost, but comes back to do good in wholly unexpected and unthought of ways.  Conversation is an accomplishment difficult to master, and there is probably no instrument which is used so imperfectly as the human tongue. Every one of us has our acquaintances with whom talking is a delight, who can draw us out and enable us always to be at our best, while there are others who act as a brake on conversation; in spite of our every effort, while in their company, talk is halting, language clumsy and the tongue unable to meet the demands made upon it. 

The art of conversation should be taught to every child. The first and most essential rule is that one must be a first-rate listener, who appears mainly to be interested in the conversation about him or her; able by tact and judgment to put in the right word at the right moment, and, without interrupting the flow of ideas, to assist the progress of conversation. The worst plague of society is the inexhaustible verbosity of the brainless babbler, who talks without thought. Anybody can argue, only a few can converse. The use of the voice and manner of  speech in conversation are of first importance, as they are the truest indication of education and refinement, and betray the absence of this quality with painful directness. 

Conversation is raised in character in its ratio to the lack of personalities it contains and which should be avoided like poison. Keep away from the discussion of living persons, and especially of near persons. Personalities are a form of scandal-mongering, resulting in uncharitableness and injury, evidencing extreme poverty of intellectual resources. Random shots are dangerous and cruel and most frequently likely to hit the wrong person. The great secret of succeeding in conversation is to admire much, to hear much; to encourage others to do their best; to listen to what is said; never to go out of the way to lug in a fine word or phrase, and when the occasion comes, to make talk interesting, because of the originality of the central idea which serves as a pivot, and the fitness of the illustration, which illuminates the talk. 

To become a good talker no physical condition is necessary; stammerers have been most agreeable conversationalists. Not everybody can scintillate and amuse, for to excel in this is a gift of God. The majority are obliged, therefore, to depend on knowledge of current facts and events to keep up their end of the conversation, which requires study and application, but it is study which will be well repaid. Many a man and woman who has succeeded in life, can attribute their success to an agreeable way of putting things. It is only the fool who is troublesome in company. A man or woman of sense can soon see whether their talk is agreeable or tiresome and conclude any given topic, before it is talked out. 

The student of history who seeks for the animating source of the great movements that have changed the boundary lines of nations and improved the social condition of man, knows that the inspiration has resulted from the conversations moving unknown underneath revolutions, battles, and dynasties, which play their part on the visible stage. The fugitive talks of these pioneers in retirement, at the bench and in forge and mill, who have shaped the policies of nations and decided the progress of the world. Those who are masters of conversation stand on a vantage ground of real service not only socially, but materially. A man who knows how to talk well and listen well will, all things being equal, get along faster than the man of equal ability, hesitating in speech and unable to express himself. The one thing everlastingly to be tabooed, is indecent conversation. “Immodest words admit of no defense. For want of decency is want of sense.” — From The Lost Art of Conversation, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Courtesy is Contagious, By Jupiter!

At the urging of Juno, Jupiter gives a cranky human, Thornton J. Poindexter, a chance to re-do one particular bad day. The message was to be “wisely selfish” and that “courtesy is contagious.”

Veteran actor, Chick Chandler, plays a man who reacts to every rudeness, supposed slight, or mishap around him all day, with rudeness. 

With the help of Jupiter during his do-over, Thornton J. Poindexter has nicely and politely changed his thinking, changed the ways he deals with others, and has made everyone around him happier, and more polite, as well. Oh... and he also got a nice steak instead of “boiled beef,” his newspaper slipped under his doormat as requested, the new bank loan he wanted, and earned some bonus points at the office.

Personnel Head Addresses Future Business Leaders of America

M. Garnett, Manager of the Alpha Beta Markets in the La Habra area, was the speaker at the Future Business Leaders of America meeting last Wednesday at the La Habra High School. Mr. Garnett showed a movie entitled "By Jupiter” which gave students hints on poise, manners and courtesy. After the movie cookies and punch were provided by FBLA members. –LaHabra Star, 1956

1947’s “By Jupiter!” was produced by Marshall Field’s as a way of “showing how all of us can make this world a much more pleasant place to live.”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Some Thanksgiving Courtesy

“Courtesy goes far beyond the dictates of etiquette, for the generous, perceptive heart has its own codes. The man who never saw a salad fork or held a tea cup may be more instinctively courteous than a nobleman. Courtesy is a facile tool that can smooth the most difficult situations, as I discovered one Thanksgiving.” 

More Than Etiquette 

Often people think of courtesy as a synonym for etiquette. Yet courtesy goes far beyond the dictates of etiquette, for the generous, perceptive heart has its own codes. The man who never saw a salad fork or held a tea cup may be more instinctively courteous than a nobleman. Courtesy is a facile tool that can smooth the most difficult situations, as I discovered one Thanksgiving. 

I had been invited to dinner by a friend who lived in a mountain village in New Hampshire. There was all the nostalgia of the season, even to a horsedrawn sleigh from the station and a ride through snowy woods to the farmhouse. As the family gathered around the fireplace before dinner we heard a car pull up, then a knock at the door. But it wasn’t an expected guest. It was Uncle Jonathan, whom no one had seen for eight years and no one wanted to see. His arrogance and selfishness had estranged him from everyone in town, including his family. 

Some of the family bridled and there were exchanges of angry glances. His sudden appearance could have been tensely embarrassing, but no one was so rude as to question his presence there or make him feel awkward or unwelcome. After dinner as we sat in the firelight, he offered a pathetic little excuse for his coming. “I was just passing by (on a wooded path that led nowhere) and since it was Thanksgiving, I . . . I . . “We're so glad you came,” his sister said. “Really?” The bravado suddenly left him. “I was so lonely,” he admitted humbly. Then, embarrassed, he rose, a big man forlorn as a lost child. As he started toward the door, I begged the family silently, “Do something, say something. This calls for more than etiquette or he'll be lost forever.” 

He was putting on his coat when his eldest brother detained him. “No rush, Jonathan. Why don’t you stay on at least through Christmas?” Courtesy had saved the day. The traditions of graciousness had kept open the lines of communication so that the family’s problems were smoothed out, and eventually solved. Empathy, imagination, tact, are all ingredients of courtesy which the dictionary defines as “gracious politeness . . . a considerate act or remark.” But Ralph Waldo Emerson penetrated to the very heart of the word when he wrote, “Love is the basis of courtesy.” – By Elizabeth Byrd, in The Madera Tribune, 1965

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Conversation

Harper's Bazaar's 1893 Hints on Conversation

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~Dorothy Nevill

It has been recently stated that conversation is a lost art. Certainly the listener appears to be out of date. Persons who have regard for the usages of polite society should remember that listening is one of the canons of good manners. 

Absent mindedness is impolite. Every one is entitled to have a fair share of attention paid him when conversing. If one is bored, courtesy demands he should listen and appear to appreciate the story that is related on the subject under discussion. A writer on social etiquette once remarked that "nine times out of ten the attentive listener is more admired than the most brilliant talker." 

Avoid in conversation all mention of your own affairs. The clever woman guards her hearthstone, its sorrows, troubles and annoyances, as carefully as she does the sacredness of her religion. The world admires your cheerfulness, your attractiveness, your brightness. Your griefs belong to yourself. They are your inner life, which should be closed with iron portals. Even if your heart breaks, recollect the critical public at all times, likes a smiling face and cheerful manner. —Harper's Bazar, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia