Etiquette of a Dinner Guest List

Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the legendary daughter of Teddy Roosevelt, took great pleasure in inviting people to her dinners who hated each other, and then seating them next to each other. Then she would watch with glee as they either squirmed in discomfort or took out after each other. (She also had a needlepoint pillow in her drawing room that said, If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come and sit here by me.)

Sometimes I'm in the mood for large parties, but there are times I really enjoy just having dinner with six or eight people. If you're going to do a small dinner, though, it is crucial that the guests be compatible.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the legendary daughter of Teddy Roosevelt, took great pleasure in inviting people to her dinners who hated each other and then seating them next to each other. Then she would watch with glee as they either squirmed in discomfort or took out after each other. (She also had a needlepoint pillow in her drawing room that said, If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come and sit here by me.)

I never did understand the point of that. It just seemed mean and sadistic to me. Remember the Golden Rule. I certainly don't want to be in the room with someone I intensely dislike, much less be seated next to that person. I want to relax and have a good time. So do most people unless they are perverse. Certainly you don't want people who agree on everything. That's boring, which is the ultimate sin in party giving. You definitely want spirited debate at the table. I always like it when my guests start throwing their napkins at one another. But it should be friendly and fun. You shouldn't, for instance, put a serious pro-choice person next to a determined pro-life person, or a spokesperson for PETA (the animal protection group) next to someone wearing a fur coat.

Toni and Jamie Goodale (she’s a development consultant in New York; Jamie is a First Amendment lawyer) had a large book party for Ben a few years ago, and in walked, at the same time, Dan Rather and Connie Chung, who had just split up their CBS Evening News anchor team, as well as Judge Kimba Wood and writer Michael Kramer, who were in the midst of a very public divorce. Some of the guests, assuming that these people would not be speaking to one another, rushed up to Toni to advise her to separate them. As it turned out, they were all fine about it and it wasn’t a problem. But it did remind me that people often agonize about their roles as host or hostess in these situations. 

My feeling is this: invite whom you want. If your guests are worried that somebody they don’t like will be there, they don’t have to come. If they find themselves arriving at the same time as somebody they’re not speaking to, or in a room with someone they are uncomfortable with, let them work it out. That’s not your problem

Years ago I was planning a party in my old bachelorette apart ment on California Street. I invited the writer Larry McMurtry and two women who were both interested in him and, unbeknownst to me, had had words with each other. One of the women, a close friend, told me that if I didn't uninvite the other she would never speak to me again. I did uninvite the other woman, reluctantly, and she has barely spoken to me since. And I don’t blame her. We’re all older and wiser now. I would never do that again.

I recently had a party where a guest was entering the front door and another guest, who had just been publicly fired by him, quietly whispered to me that he was leaving, and slipped out the kitchen door.

If you are among writers and journalists, you should be especially careful not to put a guest next to someone who has written something awful about him or her.

Sometimes, though, it's hard to know. Once, at a Swedish embassy lunch years ago, I was seated next to New York Times columnist Bill Safire, who had just written something that I considered negative about my husband. Of course, in high dudgeon, I turned my back on him and refused to speak to him the entire time. This was really awkward for everyone at the table, and I felt extremely bad about it. You can imagine, then, my chagrin when, after lunch, Ben came over to the table and threw his arm around Safire with a big friendly grin and a hearty “How are you, ole boy?” (Bill has since become an admired friend.) So much for loyalty.

Ben and Kay Graham are very much alike on this score. Neither one of them is capable of carrying a grudge. Sometimes people will write bad things about Kay that upset her, and I don't speak to them for years. Then I'll go to her house for dinner and there they'll be, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, her new friends.

The question of whether or not to invite people who have been disgraced is always an issue. Maybe you don't know anyone who’s been disgraced, but then you obviously don't live in Washington. Half the people here are publicly disgraced at some point your in their careers for various reasons. My feeling is that decision should be made on a case by case basis. How close are you to the person? Is the person somebody you need to stand up for, no matter what he or she did? Did the person actually commit a crime, or was the disgrace a little more personal, like getting caught with a prostitute, for instance, or having an affair, or being drunk and disorderly?

Oh, what is the poor hostess to do?

As always, the answer is simple. Do what you believe is the right thing to do, not what people think you should do. If the person has committed some crime and you basically believe that he or she is a truly decent human being who made a mistake, stand by your friend and invite him to your party. Have him next to you at the front door as you greet people, to show that you are supporting him. If your guests are offended, too bad. They can leave.  — From Sally Quinn’s 1997 book, “The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining”

🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The History of Seating Etiquette

It was a common fiction that the order of precedence mattered more to the women than the men. The idea was that the men were too busy getting on with the work that needed to be done to worry about unintended flights. One suspects this fiction was no more true than the idea that men do not gossip.

To the Victorians (and diplomats today), where one sat at the table was very important. Feelings would be hurt, and tempers would flare, if these rules were violated.

In England, the order of precedence was set by one's rank in the tables of Nobility. Dukes ranked above Counts, and so forth. If two people held the same rank, then the order in which the titles were granted was the deciding factor. The holders of the title were men, and women took the precedence of their husbands.

For example, when 19 year old Consuelo Vanderbilt, as the wife of the Duke of Marlborough, went to dinner, she took precedence over women in their fifties and sixties who had not married as well.

In British colonial society this was carried further, and the order of precedence depended on the husband's job. Books of official order of precedence were published to set out the relationship between different jobs and time in those jobs. If one wanted to know the order of precedence of an assistant inspector general of forests, a District Judge in Lower Burma, a Lieutenant with seven years of service, and a sanitary commissioner, one merely looked in the official warrant of precedence.

In the United States, the question of precedence was mostly confined to Washington D.C., where the order among diplomats and politicians' ranks was important. Many hostesses did not use precedence in seating their guests — they placed people to ensure good conversation.

It was a common fiction that the order of precedence mattered more to the women than the men. The idea was that the men were too busy getting on with the work that needed to be done to worry about unintended flights. One suspects this fiction was no more true than the idea that men do not gossip.

In most of the United States there was little order of precedence, there being no nobility, or diplomatic or bureaucratic ranking to go by. What order there was took the form of the oldest woman being first or perhaps an out of town woman being first. If a new bride was present she often took precedence.— From Forgotten Elegance, 2002

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Formal Dinner Seating Arrangements

This diagram shows what was, in the Gilded Age, a reportedly popular French-style, dinner party seating arrangement. This savvy seating arrangement places the host and hostess in seats across from one another, midway to the center of the table on each side. The couple, seated in such close proximity to one another, can direct or control the conversation with their guests, and help the dinner party flow along more easily throughout the evening.

These diagrams above show a popular dinner party seating arrangement for rectangular tables, at which the host sits at one end and the next male “of importance” is seated at the opposite end. At these tables, the hostess sits on that guest’s left, while the woman next in importance sits on his right. Note that “importance” is a relative term. It can refer to rank, seniority, age or even to which guest traveled the furthest distance or who will next be celebrating a birthday.

“When the party numbers 6, 10, 14 and so forth, the more modern way of dispensing with end places entirely, and seating the host and hostess directly in the center of each side, is increasingly used. To make this come out right, the number along each side, as you can see, must be an uneven one such as three, five, seven. This places the host and hostess opposite in the midst of their party, allows them to direct and control the conversation as necessary and look after the general welfare of their guests. At the usual friendly dinner party, there is seldom a special “guest of honor.” If, however, you were giving the dinner party in honor of a particular woman guest, you would seat her at the right of the host. If a man were the one to be so distinguished, you would see him at the right of the hostess.”— From Helen Sprackling, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia